I've been crying alot...still am actually. I knew it would hurt, but I didn't know it would hurt this much. It's my own fault actually, I think for awhile I didn't believe it was really going to happen. I guess I thought something would come up and they'd stay. But they're not staying.

About ten months ago, I was in a precarious place in my life. I was unsuccessful and miserable at the job I had been doing and had finally quit. I was hundreds of miles from any family or old friends, I'd only made about three "sort of friends" in my new city, and the one I was closest with had just moved away for school. But it was coming out day and I decided I should "come out", well in the most literal sense, I knew I needed to get out and meet people instead of sitting at home worrying about finding a new job.

So I found information about this campus group that was meeting that day - a group open to everyone - and I figured "well, it might be fun". So I went...well I tried to, I wasn't very familiar with the campus and I got a bit lost. Then Jesse found me wondering the area and she asked "Are you looking for the gay and lesbian group?". I was. And I found them.

Later that evening after the little get together Jesse, and her girlfriend Megan decided to have a party at their place. So I went, further got acquainted with my new friends. Played games, mingled, laughed, all around had fun...drank too much though. WAY TO MUCH. I'm an out-going person, but even I was a tad intimidated elbowing my way into a group of already established friends. Didn't show it though, not at first anyway. But I did drink too much, and I was worried about my job situation, and my life in general I guess.

After all but two other people had left I finally ended up in the bathroom with Megan sitting on the floor talking (and eventually crying). We chatted a lot, I confessed that I'd been scared to come that night. She said I shouldn't have been. Everyone liked me and everyone was welcome anyway. She also said she'd had no idea I was nervous. That I appeared so confident. I said that what I really wanted was some people I could trust. She said not to worry, that they'd look after after me. And they did. Without fail, every single time I needed them.

Megan got me a new job at the place where she worked. She didn't just get me the job, she made sure it went well for me. Every time I screwed something up she fixed it. It was amazing actually, it seemed like for the first month every time I turned around I was messing something up and she just happened to be there to take care of it.

Jesse, who knew a ton of people, introduced me to most of them. She made sure I was included in all the club events, and not just the club events, but all the social events as well. As time went on we started a little tradition. Virtually every single Friday we'd hang out, grab lunch, go shopping, watch a movie, go work out, or any/all of these. When it came time to move she helped me find my new place.

I did countless, fun things with each of them - together and separate. I'll never forget how me and Jesse decided we wanted to play raquette ball, only neither one of us could remember the rules. So we just made up our own, we were on the same team actually, it was us against the ball and the wall, and I think we won, at least until we ended up exhausted and laughing hysterically on the floor like a couple of kids.

Megan and I used to have the most amazing conversations. They were always so much fun. We had the same sort of humour. Most recently we (and a bunch of other people) went to see Harry Potter. At this one point Harry said something innocent enough, but we looked at each and both started laughing like mad. Never said anything, we both knew why it was funny.

I guess it's odd being so close with a couple. Most of the time it was just the three of us hanging out. You'd think I'd have felt like a 3rd wheel. Never did though.

Their wedding was so beautiful. Jesse accidentally left her bouquet at home and the whole thing was delayed about 45 minutes while I ran back to their place to get it (and Megan worked on some last minute speaker problems). It was so...fitting though in an odd sort of way. It didn't mess anything up though. It was still...perfect.

I suppose I realized it was real at the reception. I was just laughing and talking with everyone - it was so nice to see all of my (and Megan's) old work friends, as well as all of my (and Jesse's) group friends. So I was just catching up, mingling and such, and it came time to do the toasts. Naturally I wanted to toast them on their special night. Couldn't get through it though, I mean I guess technically I did, but halfway through I got really choked up. Never even saw it coming. Since then I've pretty much cried every time I gave their move any serious thought. It's been awful this last week. I've pretty much teared up at least once every day. Today...well today I cried pretty much the entire time I was in my truck driving around between appointments. I probably looked like crap.

I used to be so much more mature than this. I mean intellectually I'm really happy and excited for them and I want them to go because it's time and it's a great opportunity for them. At the same time there's a small part that just wants to pout. That's a little angry that they're leaving. I guess no one's ever really left me before. I've always done the leaving. It's different that way. When I moved from Baton Rouge I missed my friends like mad. I did cry after I said goodbye to them for the last time...but it's different, I was leaving, I was the one who had something to be excited about, who'd made the decision. Anyway how does someone lose their two best friends AT ONCE?

But I've made a vow to myself. I'm not going to make this hard for them, and I'm not going to make this about me. I'll bitch, and whine to my other friends, I'll cry a ton on my own, I'll tell them how much I love them and how much I'll miss them, but I won't guilt them, and I won't show them just how sad I am.

What I will do is get up and go to their farewell party - it's tonight. I don't want to go. It's stupid, it's childish, but I just want to lock myself up at home and pretend it isn't happening, that there is no farewell party, that they're not going. But they are going, and I'm not going to ruin it. So I'm going to dry my eyes, fix myself up like I would any other night I go out, and wear my biggest party smile.

And in four days, when it comes time for them to drive away I'll see them off, and I won't say the two syllables I most want to say: "Don't go". Instead I'll say the two syllables that will break my heart: "Goodbye".