Mr. Perfect

Mr. Perfect

What would we have in common and why would I be interested in reading about him?

We have all met Mr. Perfect in literature. Perfect grades, perfect teeth, perfect family, perfect life.

What an perfect ass-hat. We have NOTHING in common. I'm hating this guy already.

He's one of those rich, preppy guys that have parties with their rich, preppy friends on their perfect yachts and their perfect mansions.

Where's an F-ing U-boat when you need one?

He looks like an Uber-crumbie & Fitch model: perfect washboard abs, perfect clothes, perfect car.

Now I'm planning on setting this a-hole on fire...

He has no weaknesses, is sweet as Jesus, has unearthly charisma and is loved by all.

Die, die, die!!!

His friends love him and would never betray him, nor would his lovers screw around on him because... he's just so perfect.

*Growls incoherently, falls out with stroke.*

Mr. Perfect does have enemies. They are always one dimensional slack-jawed yokels who just happen to be EVIL for no apparent reason. They are always stupid, short-sighted and overconfident and leave the scene in the back of a squad car.

*From the floor* go villians go! Aw Damnit!

Mr. Perfect may face jeopardy but you are always confident that he will prevail because he's just so perfect, has perfect friends and perfect support in his perfect world.

From the floor *Gack!* Slides clips into automatic pistols and chambers rounds*

Mr. Perfect is hung like a horse and ALWAYS gets the girl/boy friend, gets even f-ing richer and lives happily ever after.

*Gunfire breaks out, explosions, fire...*

Why do we hate Mr. Perfect? The reasons vary. He is the guy of our dreams that couldn't be bothered to fart in our general direction. He broke our hearts. He shacked up with us once when he was drunk and kept calling us Skip or Chip. Regardless of the reason: he's an asshole. He has to be because perfection just isn't natural.

Humans aren't perfect- a fact that at least one major world religion has exploited mercilessly for over 2000 years. Humans have braces, acne, bad breath and average tools. They have real world problems and lovers that screw around on them. They might get along with their parents or they might not because they are alcoholics, religious fanatics, just plain flakey bastards or all of the above.

Humans worry about money and making a living. They worry about their position and prestige in socirty, if any. They betray and are betrayed by the people that they hold dearest because that is their nature.

Humans worry about their career and success and failure and all the hues of the spectrum that lie in between. For Mr. Perfect, success is a forgone conclusion. For humans, it takes a great deal of effort, work and sacrifice and even then, they can fail in spectacular fashion.

Humans aren't invincible. They get hurt and sometimes a trip to the hospital can be their last. They get sick and die. They get depressed. They experience pain so intense that they blot it out with years of alcoholic or drug induced delerium. They get their hearts broken. Sometimes they never get over it. Sometimes they get so fed up they blow their brains out.

Humans have friends but they aren't magical. They can not read minds, alter fate or effect space-time. Friends are sometimes fickle, and change their loyalties when it suits them.

Humans drink, smoke and do dope despite the fact that it is bad for you. They also eat high chlesterol diets, drive at insane speeds and have sex like drunken bunnies. Why? BECAUSE THEY AREN'T F-ing PERFECT!

Humans do and say things exactly the oppisite of their core values, like the faimily values republican arreasted in a rest area for giving $20 blow jobs to truckers. Why? BECAUSE THEY AREN'T F-ing PERFECT!

Humans are worthless and weak and stupid and shallow. On average they live in a trailer park in Tennessee and have more fleas than their dog. They are also all that we as authors have as subject matter and we must embrace them as they are because they aren't perfect. Those very flaws give us room to create the drama that is the life blood of good writing.

I humbly submit that we need to forget Mr. Perfect and get to know some humans: warts, bad-breath, freckles and all because they are a MUCH more interesting than PERFECT people. Readers will actually relate to their humanity; flawed as it is because at the end of the day- none of us are perfect.