So this is a rather long, probably pointless-for-anyone-else-to-read-but-I'm-glad-I-wrote-it entry about my feelings regarding the balance of support, neediness, and power in my ideal relationship. On a side note I'm beginning to get very irritated with the casual, sloppy, informal way I've been writing blogs and posts lately. Still...WHATEVER!

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So I was driving to work today when "Ever the Same" by Rob Thomas came on the radio. I'd never particularly given much notice to the song. I mean I didn't hate it or anything, but I usually tended to check around to see if there was something livelier on a different station. Anyway, I happened to actually be paying attention this time and I heard the line "Just let me hold you while you're falling apart". This really caught my interest and I actually paid attention to the rest of the song. Turns out it seems like it expresses my feelings toward love and relationships pretty well.

It's actually kinda unnerving, because I really don't like what this says about me. However, I've always been a firm believer in truthful introspection and not being afraid to go anywhere in your own head, so I gave the matter some serious thought for the rest of my drive. Actually it's something I've often realized and considered before.

Basically, intellectually I firmly believe in equality in relationships, and I'm all about it being between two co-independent people. Two individuals who are together not because they're lacking something on their own. Not because they have to be or because they need each other, but simply because they want to be. Two strong, self-actualized individuals who can handle life on their own but have formed an alliance based on mutual affection and respect, an agreement to make things better for each other. I've always thought needing someone, or lacking something on your own was a horrible reason to get into a relationship.

That said, I have to admit I'm drawn to people who need me, people who might need a bit of protecting. It's not just with romantic interests either, I tend to do that with friendships as well, and working relationships, and even learning relationships. Like for example at school I often tutored people in some of the more difficult subjects, and to be honest I'm not sure I'd have paid attention and worked as hard on my own understanding of them if I hadn't been thinking in the back of my mind "___ is going to be asking for help later. I'd better get this." At all the jobs I've ever had I've always worked hard to take care of my responsibilities quickly so that I could help out my co-workers.

It's also true that there's no quicker, more effective way to get sympathy and affection from me than to look like you need it. It's probably also no coincidence that conversely I find arrogance and over-confidence to be extremely unattractive. I even admit that as far back as high school I can remember people saying, "So and so whines to much" and responding, "really? I think it's kinda cute."

But where does this leave me and what does this say about me? I know the unflattering flip side is that I like to be the strong, together one. I also admit that several almost relationships didn't work out because there was a sort of mini-power struggle going. That's also probably been my biggest fear about gay relationships. How do two "alpha males" set aside their egos and prides long enough to open up and trust each other, even rely on each other (because ideally I don't think people should have to rely on each other in a relationship, but once the relationship is underway I think it's good to...that makes more sense in my head ). Of course that's also always been one of the most appealing things about gay relationships. I mean it's all about the potential for equality and egalitarianism. I confess I totally "get off" on that intellectually and emotionally. I also feel like I'm a pretty nurturing, supportive person, and I can definitely put my ego aside and defer to people I care about in the areas that they're good at and that are important to them, but it sorta has to work both ways. I can only bring myself to do that if they do the same for me and if they're also willing to show some vulnerability. I love seeing people I care about being strong, successful, and confident. It's just if they always seem that way with regards to everything then it just feels like they don't need me.

And that of course is the root of the problem I'm perceiving. I have to feel needed. I have to feel like I'm contributing something very necessary and important or else I get petulant and all around whiny. Which I hate. I also hate how this tendency indicates that I'll end up letting someone use me and cast me aside if I'm not careful. Actually they'll use me and cast me aside if I'm lucky. If I'm unlucky they'll probably just keep using me and manipulating my affections. Yet, I'm aware of this and I've just as often dodged this particular bullet. More than a few guys have acted needy and weak around me and insinuated that they needed me to "complete them". Fortunately I've always noticed this. I've always thought "I'll be damned if I'm going to live my life as your keeper". Of course these are also the guys I have trouble extracting myself from. I really do freak out if I think I've hurt someone. So it's much easier to avoid the I'm-tough-I-don't-need-anyone type, and they're much easier to leave behind (after all, obviously they'll be fine).

The real danger is in the boys who are sincere. The ones who are just sweet and adorable, but not completely "together". The ones who don't want to use people. These are the ones I could see myself accidentally developing an unhealthy relationship with.

But ignoring all of that, what does it say about me as a person that I need to be needed? Oh I suppose everyone needs to be needed, but I feel like I have the "superhero syndrome" worse than most. The scariest thing of all of course is what if I'm with someone who's just awesome and wonderful on his own, and doesn't need me (which ostensibly is ideal in the first place! )? Will I ultimately be bitter and resentful of his success? ...I don't really think so because that's not me, but what I can see happening is me feeling all around sad and weak. Perhaps I'll eventually grow to feel like some kind of burden on him or something. I suppose it depends on how well I'm doing in my own life. But that's just the most F*(&ed up part of all. My happiness for him shouldn't have anything to do with what's going on with me. I should be able to be a complete failure and still be happy for the one I love.

I think this even affects my physical attractions to guys. Like a lot of gay guys have a fetish for cops, or soldiers, or fireman, but personally I find that to be a mild turn-off. I similarly am not attracted to big, strong, muscular looking guys. No, for me it's twinks all the way, but really I think what this is embodying is smaller guys. Like I would be very uncomfortable dating someone who was more than a couple of inches taller than me, but I could date someone quite a bit shorter. Someone about my build or more "slight" would be ideal too. This is probably why I've also always been completely uninterested in older guys. No, I like guys about my age or a bit younger.

Oh I've always followed the whole "equal in everything" thing, and said that ideally the guy would be about my height, build, weight, age, etc., and I really think that would be ideal, but there's no denying that I have more flexibility with variations on one side versus the other. I'm sure this has to do with me needing to feel like I could "protect" him if necessary.

Yet, in general it would just be ludicrous of me to pretend that I don't like being the center of attention. That I don't like being spoiled and pampered. That I wouldn't jump all over the opportunity to be able to just quit working and do what I wanted all day everyday. No, I definitely like to be taken care of too. Sometimes when life is kicking extra hard I even think how nice it would be to have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me that they'll handle whatever mess is coming at us. The emotional safety and security would be nice, really nice.

Certainly this all goes back to the whole wanting an equal relationship thing. Ideally we'd both be able to handle whatever life threw at us on our own, but we'd be "in it together" and we'd look after each other and handle different things. Yes, that would be nice. I think I have a chance at that, I really do. Besides, last night I got pulled over by this cute, young cop. (didn't get a ticket) Surly just the fact that I found him cute at all means there's hope for me yet.