So, tonight, against my better judgment, I went into what I've avoided doing for a long time. Of all the conversations in my head with Dwayne I knew I didn't want to actually say those things to him. Well, tonight against my better judgment I said some, and his reaction was precisely as I predicted it would be... he really doesn't know how to deal with someone emotionally troubled. Eventually though, after blathering on about my feelings and thoughts I said that I was conflicted, and he remarked that he was too. I asked him how and why. The answer was very revealing.

He never stopped loving Heidi, made a promise to her to love her forever. She broke his heart by being more interested in a girl. He found me... no f**king clue anymore what I ever meant to him.

Lots of things that could be said, but here's what I suspect. He was hurting over Heidi and then he met me. I made myself available to him while he was vulnerable over her. He grabbed onto me. He probably honestly did feel for me, but as time passed on, there were certain inevitable truths working against me. I was far away, she was close, she is the mother of his child... to this point it was still worth it to be with me. Over time, for our own reasons, we became emotionally distanced at the same time he was spending more time with her and she has something I can't ever compete with: his son. That's something he has in common with her, no matter else, she will always be the mother of his child. Right in front of him, the woman he gave his heart to and his child he would never abandon... far away... me. She starts getting over the girl she was interested in. Suddenly, her heart is "free" and able to be swept up by him again. He broke up with me to fulfill his promise to love her, nevermind his promises to me.. which my gut interprets as "you were temporary, and she is who I really want to be with, always have and always will" How could I ever compete with that? With her, he has a family, with me, he would likely never be able to live with his child... and he loves the mother of that child anyway. Now that she's apparently open to the idea of taking him back, he doesn't need my love... not when he has her, and I've always told him to choose his child over me if it came to that. I was a temporary replacement for what he could not have. Now he can have it. I'm not needed, was never really wanted. I suppose its ironic... I chose Dwayne in spite of full knowledge there were plenty of other guys in the world... I chose him anyway... he settled for me, though... I was temporary... someone to be with until she would have him again.

That's what I think... tonight anyway. No idea what I'll think tomorrow. Who knows... he may contact me with more revelations about... I don't know.

I don't know what it is he wants me to believe out of this.... "i did not break up with you for Heidi, however i broke up with you because i was still in love with Heidi and i wanted to fulfill a promise"

Maybe its just me, but thats looks like a pretty damned contradictory statement. He didn't break up with me for Heidi... he just broke up with me so he could be with Heidi and fulfill his promise to always love her, never abandon her, and because he's in love with her and not in love with me he believes he'll be happier with her anyway.

Don't kid yourself Dwayne, that amounts to breaking up with me for her... or perhaps more accurately, for yourself you choose to spend your life with her because you think you'll be happier.

I remember your promise to me, Dwayne, the poem may have been lost when my harddrive fried, but I remember well your promise to give me all the love I deserve. Its appropriate that poem was lost in a stirke of lightning.

And... in spite of it all... I can't be angry with him over this... resentful sure, hurt... absolutely... beyond measure, in fact... but I can't be angry with him over this. My hurt is the consequence of my own naivete. Whatever his feelings for me... he loved her too... by all present appearances much more so. And with her, he has his child. I can't blame him for choosing a life with his child and the mother of that child when he thinks she may return his feelings. I may have serious doubts about whether she will be committed to him... certainly she's proven she's not as committed to him as I am... or was... but that doesn't matter. His heart is after her and I am... relegated to... what? I keep saying that he threw me away, he seemed to take objection to that. The statement made him angry in fact. I think he sees being willing to talk to me despite breaking up with me as not abandoning me or throwing me away. When I think about it, rather than just react to it, he's right. He could very easily end all contact with me. I don't even have his phone number anymore since my cell phone was washed. The only means of contact I have is through his e-mail account. All he has to do to be rid of me forever, if thats what he wanted, is change his e-mail.

What am I supposed to think in the wake of all this Dwayne? I don't know where I stand with you... You've made it clear what you don't want with me. What do you want?

I suppose I already know the answer to that sort of... He was ambiguous in his answer, he'd be a friend if I wanted that or he'd be nothing if I wanted that. He's not ambiguous about what I once wanted - we'll never be lovers again, never in love again, because that's not what he wants. He has what he wants with who he really wants it now. In all honesty, after all this, I don't want to get back with him either. I don't know what I want. I do know this much, a good friendship with him is not within my capacity to have... not while I'm still so conflicted over him. In time, maybe... how much time I don't know. I don't want to rule out friendship... I don't want to go out of contact ... I just need time to forget the illusion of what was... or wasn't... the illusion of what could have been, but couldn't ever be.

I keep looking for some lesson to be learned from all this, the only one I've found is one I do not like but can not deny in the wake of these experiences: do not trust in love. Trust your gut over your heart, and don't let dreams cloud reality from your mind. For a while I was willing to argue that all I'd learned was not generalizable, but limited only to Dwayne... but that's not really true.

I put myself out there... a long distance relationship was a mistake, having that realtionship with a felon was a mistake, having a long distance relationship with someone who could not move out of his state of residency was a mistake, entering a relationship with someone who was about to have a child was a mistake, thinking that I could ever fit into that child's life was a mistake, deceiving myself into thinking I had anything to offer that a child could not trump was a mistake, deceiving myself into thinking that it would be perfectly fine for my boyfriend to spend large amounts of time with an ex that he admittedly loved... that was a huge mistake... I shouldn't have ever believed that would be okay. I certainly could not have forbidden it... but thats not the point... I deceived myself thinking that if he loved me it wouldn't be an issue, never seriously questioning that his love for me was greater than any residual feeling for her. I dismissed every rational red flag I had in favor of one premise "He loves me." That was incredibly naive. I've definitely learned that when what I'm being told doesn't match up with what I observe, I'm probably being lied to.

I never belonged with him... it was never a possibility... only an unrealistic, fantastic dream...and I was a fool to ever think it could be true. It was my decision to make myself vulnerable... I may as well have asked for it. Ultimately I'm responsible for all the hurt I've been through. Yet, even so, I can't escape some sense of betrayal.

Where to go from here? A few new rules I'll probably find some occasion to break later but which feel nice to state now:

1) Never again a guy with a pregnant ex-girlfriend

2) Never again a long distance relationship

3) Never again a convicted felon

If nothing else.... I think I'm going to be vastly more guarded about my heart, and far more discriminating about whom I pledge everlasting love to. Hopefully, when I'm ready to make a pledge like that again... it will be to someone who will not... let go of it so easily... someone who will value it at least as much as I do. With any luck, they won't have already made such a promise to someone else.

I can say this much... I will never do this to someone else. For a brief spanse of time, I thought it was possible Dwayne and I could get back together... in spite of a previous conviction on my part that I would not take him back after the way he had treated me. But... as that possibility crept into my head, I thought of Gavin. Even with things between Gavin and me as ... new as they are. I wouldn't give up Gavin to go back with Dwayne. Gavin deserves better than that.

I think... if Dwayne and I are going to weather this as friends... I need to know where I stand with him... what his feelings... if any, for me are... I know I'm likely going to say many things in conversation with him that will put any friendship between him and me in jeapordy... I know that will pass if he gives it time. He seems to want on some level to still be friends with me, or he wouldn't have bothered to contact me at all tonight. How much of my... confliction... he's willing to tolerate in order to have that friendship... I don't know. I think though, if he answers honestly the question of what his feelings for me are and where I stand with him... that i can just set the... previous events transpiring between us... aside and, after acting long enough like we'd never been other than friends, hopefully I'll forget I thought we were ever more.

Okay... I need to go to sleep before this headache causes me to go into a coma instead.