Its nearing 3am and I can't sleep.

I went off the meds again. It's been two weeks since my "demedification" and there hasnt been any major disasters (yet) but I think Ill keep off them for a while. Why you ask? Because. I have this thing where when Im off the meds I can get a little - some might say - overwhelming? But when Im on the meds I feel nothing at all. Which was part of the reason I started to hurt myself, it was to feel something. Not really the commonly accepted explanation of cutting as trying to "control the pain", more like cutting to feel pain, to feel anything, at all. Which was nice for a while, but then I realized there was a simpler and, more importantly, less bloody way to feel things, which was to actually feel them (by going off the meds). I think it was the right thing to do.

The cuts have mostly healed. They are fairly noticeable though. I dont really mind. And theyre where youd think they were: legs, arms, and torso.

The boy from the last posts - his name is John Paul. Hes bipolar too which is nice just cause we really get each other. We just . . . fit together, its all very cliche and disgusting but oh well. And he opened up to me about how he got HIV - drugs - but now thats all over and done with. I strangely feel like I can trust this one. Strange for me cause I dont trust anyone. My therapist says its because everyone I ever loved when I was younger left me so now I have trust issues. I think its a very basic analysis of my life and my issues but hey, whatever. Im the one in therapy.

John Paul is actually next to me as I type this. Ive always slept better when there was someone else in the bed. Apparently thats not really working tonight...but whatever.

And I was hit on my my neighbor, a pretty hot 30ish father with 2 young girls. He was really drunk and while we were talking to me he kept getting closer to me and touching himself. He wanted to tell me that he hoped I didnt think he was a dick when me and my roommates threw a party - did I talk about that? - and he wasnt the one who called the cops on us. Im not sure yet. If I want to sleep with him I mean. Dunno.

Oh and John Paul knows all about my whorish past. I told him the truth - which is that it's part from the mood disorder, part from just wanting attention, and part cause Im really just a whore. And hes ok with that. As long as I tell him who I sleep with and it doesnt mean anything, hes okay. We have an understanding. Its pretty great. Of course, the chance of me actually sleeping with someone else is pretty low cause John Paul is amazing in bed. Amazing. For serious. And I am going to actively stop thinking about it . . . now. Ok.

Chester French - She Loves Everybody - my new favorite song.

I slept with a boy from my high school. Meaning we went to high school together. I always thought he was hot but there were a few things - and this was before John Paul. 1: Stained underware. 2: Talking about other guys while Im going down on you, not cool. Although with a few simple tricks Ive learned over the years, I quickly shut him up. And 3: Well . . . there was a number 3 at the time but now I cant remember it. I think it was the talking again.

Im rambling and not really talking about anything so Im going to go.

And BSG was amazing. And I love Chester French. And Semi Precious Weapons. And . . . Im out.