Jamie, I know we dont talk anymore, You might not even remember me. Not the point.

Things always suck. My life sucks. Not as much now as it used too, But I have woken up with the only thought on my mind being how to become un-concious again. I spent about 2 years of my life that way shortly after my sperm donor was incarcerated. Did I think of ending it then? More times than I can count. Should I have seen a shrink about it? Probably, But all I could see that accomplishing was them turning me into their next guinea pig--"Here, take these pills and you will feel better". Sorry, I did't wanna be a pill popper anymore than I wanted to deal with life at the time.

What I'm trying to say is,(and forgive me, I usually massacre what I want to say by the time I say it), If you have 2 people who care about you, That means you would just about kill them if you actually do what you are thinking of. Of course, If you are anything like me, You won't be able to do it no matter how good it sounds. Some of us are just meant to be punching bags to the world, And it sounds like you are in that exclusive club. Welcome.

Of course, At some point, Sometimes the punching bag starts punching back.

Sometimes the best revenge is going out and doing the best you can and being the best you can be(no im not an army recruiter). Live well and then rub it in everyones face, and don't share a penny of it with anyone except the 2 people you mentioned that care about you. When I was 18 I had NOTHING except the one backpack full of my clothes. That was a long time ago, And I can't say it hasn't been hell at times, But it's when you rise above everything and not let anything bother you anymore that life gets better. I don't even want to think about all those years that I actually gave a shit about what ANYONE else thinks about me. Now I don't really care if someone thinks I'm a farm-boy hick, Or if someone thinks im an ugly hairy ape. It's easy to look at anyone and see something you dont like about them and point it out to them, Especially if they think they need to bring something like that up in a conversation first. Some people are superficial and facetious, And there's a lot of them in the world. Seek out the real people who actually are decent and care about other people, Because those are the people you need and deserve to have around you.

I care about you too Jamie, Even if we don't knoe each other well. I care about all my family at GA, And it would sadden me greatly to lose someone unneccessarily.

TimTS

Only two out of billions actually want me here.

I'd like to state that if I'm in the billions then.... I DO want you here. So that makes three. I don't like the idea of anyone committing suicide ... also im sure there are plenty of other people who don't know you... who DON'T want you dead... but you do what you have to do....

and I hope it doesn't result in suicide.

I feel your pain but I've got no idea what to tell you except I can give you a list of methods one would think would work but, in practice, don't.

If you want someone who can actually TALK to you about this, send me a PM.

I might just walk out of here and start hitchhiking. Maybe I'd eventually end up someplace where I didn't hate myself and everything around me.

No matter where you go, there is one constant: you.

You can't run from you and that is the person that is giving you hell.

The choice is your own.

I can make a million points that sound pretty and articulate the facts of life to you, but I suspect you already heard it. What can I say to change your mind about the world? Nothing if you are resolute about it.

Yet, I believe you still care about the world and about your life, if you did not then you would not have came on here voicing this issue.

We are all here for you. Yes, we can't be there for you like give you a shoulder to cry on, an ear to speak your mind, or a hug to give you the comfort that you need and should be given. Yet, what your friends here on GA can do is give you hope. It's the last thing in the world between life and death; it is what people throughout the ages have lived on.

I hope that you keep the hope alive; the decision is your own to make.

Well Jamie, we don't talk a lot and it seems everytime we do I lecture you about drugs. Sorry about that, it is just part of my nature.

What you don't know is that out of everyone onthis site I probably worry about you more than anyone. I guess that means I care. Anyway, I'd invite you to live with me so I can show you people care but that isn't practical right now. Still I'm here if you need anything at all, contact me anytime.

Jammers... I love you. You're so full of life, you just don't know. You have a strong and amazing future, but you can't see it. Bad things come to people, but they don't last. What I see is someone who gave up, because it seems difficult right now. But I care enough for you, to want you to be happy, because I know you can succeed, you're a witty individual and I'm so sorry I've not had conversations with you.

You're not wasting anything... and it really hurts when I think about what you're thinking right now. You really do have your world to give people and I hope you see that.

Just wait out and try to change the bad things, be hopeful for the good things, and you'll see it happen.

Krista

Damnit, Jamie! You've gone and pissed me off and now I'm going to have to hit you with both barrels!

It's like the opinion of one or two or maybe even three people can change the world, make everything okay again. That's just not the way it really is, that's a romanticized version of the truth.

Damn right that isn't the way it is. If people don't like you, f**k THEM! As long as you're living for other people's approval you'll always be miserable. You've got to do it for yourself. You've got to find meaning and purpose in yourself. You don't need anyone else to justify you. You're a person in your own right and nothing and no one can ever take away your humanity or your worth.

First off, I doubt that many people really dislike you or are disappointed with you to begin with. Even if they are though (and as I said, I doubt they are), so what? Since when did you start breathing to make other people happy? Ignore the SOBs. Go one with your life and do your own thing. They aren't worth your time if they can't care about you and support you as you are, and if they can care about your and support you the way your are, then they aren't going to want you to sacrifice yourself and your happiness for their sake.

The truth is that I focus more on the tons of people who hate me, who think I'm a pathetic excuse for a person, who wish I were gone...

Of course you do; that's human nature. I remember once in one of my psychology classes they were talking about negative memory bias and they showed this cartoon of a guy getting all these compliments. Everyone was saying how wonderful he was and how much they liked him. Then this one person said he was joke and a loser. The caption read, "this is what he's going to remember later." And it is. A dozen people could tell you you're awesome, but if one person says you're a jerk that's what's going to stand out and you can't really help it. However, it is worth remembering that a dozen other people just said you were terrific.

Does it matter because they like you and care about you? Actually it doesn't. That isn't going to give your life meaning either. But maybe it will remind you that you do have a lot of great characteristics. You think they're lying or just saying it to make you feel better? Why would they? Sure maybe they're nice people, but I'm a pretty nice guy, and when I don't like someone I just don't say anything to them. I wouldn't be wasting my breath if I didn't like you and care about you. I'd have just ignored this post or said something trite like, "aww, it'll get better." Instead I want to take this opportunity to tell you that I think you're f**kin awesome and I really like you, care about you, and desperately want good and happy things for you.

And I think it'd be better to just be gone. I keep running, but my running never lets me run far enough. Maybe I could fix it. Maybe I could just go swimming tonight, and while I'm swimming, take a nice dive. Maybe breathe in deep while I'm under water. I don't know, really, but wouldn't it be better to just not exist as compared to existing and always thinking everyone hates me?

No, it wouldn't. What would be ideal is if you quit thinking everyone hated you and instead focused on the positive tings in your life, or at the very least got over the negativity and moved on.

The only people that really care about me are Liz and my mom. Two people out of this vast, wide world we inhabit.

And, even assuming that's true - which it isn't - that isn't enough? Love is pretty damn powerful stuff. If two people care about you that much, I think that makes you pretty damn lucky and special. I think it speaks very highly of your relationship with them that despite everything else you're able to get over your self-doubt and negativity and focus on the fact that they really do care about you. How many people can truly say that they're confident in the unconditional love and acceptance of another person, yet alone two? Seems pretty frickin special and important to me.

Only two out of billions actually want me here. What the hell? I'm so sick of waking up. Every time I do, I wake up to the fact that I'm a failure at everything I set out to do. When you REALLY take that into account, and stop trying to cover with the politically or socially correct bullshit excuses that life is sacred, what the hell is the point of waking up again?

First of all, who says you're a failure? The only person whose opinion matters in this is you yourself, and I think it would be advantageous to ask yourself by what ideal and values you're living.

No job, no education, no friends, no family, no amusement, no satisfaction.

So get a job, go back to school, meet new people, find something stimulating, and f**king enjoy yourself. Sounds too simple right? Yeah well it is, but if that's what you need to make yourself happy then you're just going to have to frickin do it. Since when is "failure" this permanent thing? I think the whole "better luck next time" thing applies here.

First of all, please don't let your job or your education define you. No matter how great or crappy they are those are just pointless measures of life (at least in my opinion). You're not any better or worse for having a good job or a good education, or for lacking them. They just are. YOU, the real you, the you underneath at all, matters way more than that.

As for friends and family, well it sounds like you have at least one loyal member of each, and I bet you'd find even more if you looked beneath the surface. Regardless, all this goes back to not living for other people's approval.

Amusement and satisfaction? That's so fleeting and subjective. You could amuse yourself with a dandelion and find satisfaction in the way your breath scatters the tiny seeds. Or maybe you could amuse yourself with a good book and find satisfaction with the way the author punctuates. Regardless amusement and satisfaction are easy, albeit temporary, escapes. If you want amusement and satisfaction then by all means go do something amusing and satisfying, but please don't think you'll ever have these states permanently or that you'll ever quit having an infinite number of opportunities to re-attain and enjoy them.

I'd dare anyone to give me just one good reason to keep breathing, because I know, in my heart of hearts, that they can't.

Because I said so and whether you believe it or not I care about you, like you, and respect you. So now all you can do is tell me to f**k off, in which case you accept that other people's opinions don't matter - which should go a long way toward making you feel better to begin with - or you're stuck accepting my will and my opinion. In which case you realize that there's another person out there who cares about you and you're just stuck continuing to breath and trying to be happy.

Jamie, I can't fix your problems. I want to, and believe I would in a heartbeat if I could, but I can't. I will listen and be there for you while you work on them though. If you ever need anything just ask.

-Kevin

Love you all. Thanks.