Friendcest?

[AFriendlyFace]

Hi everyone,

 

So since there's so many threads floating around here in which people are discussing purely physical relationships with their close friends I decided to create a poll to see what everyone thought of this.

 

I've always thought this was a pretty terrible idea and several years ago I coined the term "friendcest" to describe it.

 

Just to clarify, what I'm talking about here isn't falling in love with a good friend and entering a relationship with them. Nor is it a traditional "F*** buddy" set up with a more casual friend or someone with whom sex is the primary - or at least a major - aspect of the relationship.

 

This is casual sex which may or may not occur multiple times with someone who was already a significantly close friend without romantic intentions.

 

To me it's a very bad idea because, in my opinion, close friendships are important and sex and romance inevitably, and usually indelibly, change them. For a serious relationship with someone you love and are in love with I think it's very often worth the risk, but for a meaningless hook-up I think it's a pretty bad idea. Thus I chose "No way!"

 

Anyway, I have several close friends whose friendship means a great deal to me and I would be very disappointed in myself if any of those relationships got sexual just for sex's sake. I have quite a few other acquaintances with whom I suppose it's an unlikely possibility that I would consider an F.B. arrangement. Those arrangements aren't really my thing, but at least with these people they're only "friends" in the most basic you're-an-acquaintance-that-I-positively-regard sense, so I wouldn't consider them off-limits.

 

 

So what are you guys' thoughts on this?

-Kevin

Edited March 6, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[Tristan Thinks]

I would have thought if it is purely a physical thing with no emotional/romantic undercurrents it'd be better than many of the alternatives. Issues only usually affect friendships where one person wants a more emotional/romantic attachment, or reads that into the motives. Other issues include one person being needy or clingy or demanding.

 

It'd be better than a casual thing (because you know each other's preferences better) and are likely to care more about the outcome for both.

 

I've known quite a few friends who have done this with no obvious issues, and they're still friends now. Sometimes they'd be at it every week other times months might go by.

 

One friend once called it 'comfort-sex' which I thought quite apt

[BeaStKid]

I might...depends on a lot of factors...

[Benji]

I might...depends on a lot of factors...

 

 

.............errrrr! I put down "no way"...I'd like to keep my friends, and if we did that I'm sure it couldn't be the same afterwards.

[Procyon]

I know it can work because I did it once (I tried to vote in the poll but couldn't... ) but it would probably get complicated if one of the people involved actually fell in love. Then I agree that the friendship might change irreversibly, and friendships are definitely more important than the need for sex. It is not worth risking a good friendship to have sex, but if you know someone really well -- and I mean *really* well -- you'd probably be able to be honest about this kind of thing. And also, if there's romance from one party it may well ruin a friendship anyway, even without having sex.

[Benji]

I know it can work because I did it once (I tried to vote in the poll but couldn't... ) but it would probably get complicated if one of the people involved actually fell in love. Then I agree that the friendship might change irreversibly, and friendships are definitely more important than the need for sex. It is not worth risking a good friendship to have sex, but if you know someone really well -- and I mean *really* well -- you'd probably be able to be honest about this kind of thing. And also, if there's romance from one party it may well ruin a friendship anyway, even without having sex.

 

 

..........Try posting a few more posts, at least 5, then go back and try to vote!

[Tiger]

This has happened before and it turned out badly...

 

Yes, I have had bad luck with "friendcest", but that doesn't mean it's always bad, Kevin. Sometimes a friend can become more than a friend. You should not forget that.

[scoopny]

 

It's doable.

 

That's all I got.

Edited March 6, 2008 by scoopny

[Tiger]

 

It's doable.

 

That's all I got.

<sniggers> You seem to be an expert on the subject. Surely you can give us more insight than that.

[scoopny]

<sniggers> You seem to be an expert on the subject. Surely you can give us more insight than that.

 

Nope.

[AFriendlyFace]

I know it can work because I did it once (I tried to vote in the poll but couldn't... ) but it would probably get complicated if one of the people involved actually fell in love. Then I agree that the friendship might change irreversibly, and friendships are definitely more important than the need for sex. It is not worth risking a good friendship to have sex, but if you know someone really well -- and I mean *really* well -- you'd probably be able to be honest about this kind of thing. And also, if there's romance from one party it may well ruin a friendship anyway, even without having sex.

Welcome to the forum, Procyon!

 

Benji is right, you will need 5 posts to vote I'm afraid. On the bright side you've already got 4! If you go to the "New Members" thread pinned in the Lounge and introduce yourself that could be 2. The other 3 wouldn't be hard to rack up with a few observations in some of the other threads

 

Yes, I have had bad luck with "friendcest", but that doesn't mean it's always bad, Kevin. Sometimes a friend can become more than a friend. You should not forget that.

I didn't. I explicitly said that I wasn't talking about friendships that turn into romance.

[S.L. Lewis]

Hey, if I'm going to have casual sex, I'm going to do it with a close friend. I know where they are coming from and I won't have to worry about a stalker.

[Benji]

Hey, if I'm going to have casual sex, I'm going to do it with a close friend. I know where they are coming from and I won't have to worry about a stalker.

 

 

............I could see maybe doing it with a casual friend, but a close friend I wouldn't want to lose.

[AFriendlyFace]

............I could see maybe doing it with a casual friend, but a close friend I wouldn't want to lose.

As I said, I agree.

 

 

Hey, if I'm going to have casual sex, I'm going to do it with a close friend. I know where they are coming from and I won't have to worry about a stalker.

I understand the sentiment of course, but really I still think the potential for complications and difficulties is much higher with a close friend. I personally think you'd be more likely to gain a stalker from the friend situation, and worse the stalker would have a lot of useful info about you!

 

Of course it all comes down to knowing your friends properly and having the right sort of dynamic to make it work. If people are able to make these things work then more power to them, but I do not think it would be something I would be comfortable with.

 

I think another big thing to take into consideration would come down to the issue of trust that a future significant other would have. For example I've never "backed off" emotionally from my friends as the result of a romantic relationship, nor do I intend to (at least not purposely, though I suppose it could happen accidentally). I have a close relationship with my friends. I can see how this could be intimidating to a boyfriend, but I expect him to trust me, and part of that trust - for me anyway - would come from being able to say, "There's never been anything sexual or romantic between us".

 

Just my thoughts though,

Kevin

[rknapp]

Being that I have this dilemma right now, I voted that I would consider it. There are the obvious negatives of attachment forming, which could destroy the friendship, but I honestly would feel a lot more comfortable having casual sex with a close friend than someone who I barely (or don't) know. A close friend would care more about you and you would care more about them, which would overall lead to a better sexual experience. This isn't true of all sexual friendships, but the logic is certainly sound.

[Krista]

I have three gay male friends, female friends, and my other male friends are married to my female friends. So I really don't have an outlet.. lol. So I voted no. I doubt I would have sex with any of my friends (sober). I think it would make things incredibly strained. I date completely outside of my friend circles, because it's never a good thing to lose a friend when a break up happens. A stronger relationship ending usually does change a friendship completely - and for the most part I want to keep the friendship relationships just as they are.

[JamesSavik]

Never make the go/no go decision when you are drunk. It can only end badly.

[S.L. Lewis]

............I could see maybe doing it with a casual friend, but a close friend I wouldn't want to lose.

 

 

I guess I should have elaborated. Lets see. With my friends, I don't have casual friends. I have close friends of varying degrees. It's when I start to think of that friend as a brother or sister that I stop seeing them in a sexualize way.

The only friends I wouldn't consider having sex with is an internet friend. And that's only because I haven't met them face to face and haven't had the time to bond with them that way.