Unhealthy way to vent frustration...

[Tiger]

Sometimes I have this problem where if I get frustrated, I'll just start punishing but not in a physical manner. It's like I know what will push a person's buttons and will exploit just because I can. I know it's mean to do it, but at the time, it just seems to make me feel better for some strange reason. Later, I feel extremely guilty, because I know I have gone and upset someone just to vent my own frustration. I don't know what my problem is called or how to fix it. Should I just isolate myself and not talk to anyone just to prevent the problem from occurring, or is there a better solution?

[Johnathan Colourfield]

Sometimes I have this problem where if I get frustrated, I'll just start punishing but not in a physical manner. It's like I know what will push a person's buttons and will exploit just because I can. I know it's mean to do it, but at the time, it just seems to make me feel better for some strange reason. Later, I feel extremely guilty, because I know I have gone and upset someone just to vent my own frustration. I don't know what my problem is called or how to fix it. Should I just isolate myself and not talk to anyone just to prevent the problem from occurring, or is there a better solution?

 

 

keep a diary and vent your feelings in there.

Well thats what i do lol.

 

You can't fix it just talk to people more

 

God i sound like a physciatrist lol

[Daisy]

I'm not going to be much help. don't know how you stop it. I do something simular to my brother and sister or even my mum at times when I'm grumpy or upset, but not often, and I can recognise it when I do it too. I don't really with anybody else. its just they're family . i suppose its self-control, as tough as that may be.

 

celia

[Excuse]

I think it's all down to character... i'll sit and brood or sulk and then when everythings completely built up ill explode at the nearest person...

I guess we all have to train ourselves from snapping at others...

 

I know that with me personally if i just walk away from the situation it helps...

and of course... a cuppa... it sorts out all of lifes problems

[JamesSavik]

I may be wrong- psycho-babble isn't exactly my forte. That sounds like passive-aggressive behavior and it's a real easy pattern to get into.

 

Here's a link of two-see if you think the shoe fits.

 

Passive-aggressive behavior: wikipedia

 

What does passive-aggressive mean?

 

 

Me- I'm aggressive-aggressive. I just kick somebody's ass and get over it.

[Tiger]

I might be passive-aggressive. I've been wondering for a while if I am. I used to do the procrastination thing a lot, though I have subdued that tendency, but I probably have others.

[myself_i_must_remake]

do you do it to the people who are the cause of the frustration, or (and this will be an oversimplified example, no one snaps this easily) is it like okay my car broke down so i'm going to invite my dog onto this person's freshly-washed floor?

 

the former is my problem. when someone disagrees with me i go for the throat way too quickly.

[Tiger]

If someone else is convenient, that person is sometimes the recipient. I know that's bad, but it's true.

[AFriendlyFace]

Tim, I'm pretty sure this is just basic 'projection'. You're projecting your anger, frustration, and sadness on other people who have nothing to do with the situation. It's an almost universal part of the human experience. It's the classic "man's boss gives him a hard time so he comes home and kicks the dog' scenario.

 

It makes you feel better because it gives you a feeling of power. It makes you feel guilty because you're sensible and compassionate enough to see the error in your ways.

 

The solution of course is to be mindful of what the actual problem is. If I'm tired and stressed out about work I need to do something about that. I need to figure out a way to take a break, clear my workload, or at least decompress a bit. It's unfair for me to make sarcastic remarks at my friends.

 

There usually is a degree of passive aggressive behaviour involved as well. If you could openly express your frustration you'd be less likely to get in the situation in the first place so you probably are handling it in passive aggressive ways as well.

 

As I said, the key is to be mindful of what the actual problem and frustration is and to avoid taking it out on others or taking out the 'wrong problem' on the 'right person.' It's never easy, but being aware of the situation is definitely the first step

 

 

Good luck

-Kevin

Edited September 1, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[Tiger]

Thanks, Kevin! I always enjoy your insight. You seem to hit the nail on the head every time. You are wise beyond your years. This is definitely something I need to discuss with my therapist on Wednesday at my next session. I'm also taking some time away to give some people a break from all things me.

[Razor]

Sometimes I have this problem where if I get frustrated, I'll just start punishing but not in a physical manner. It's like I know what will push a person's buttons and will exploit just because I can. I know it's mean to do it, but at the time, it just seems to make me feel better for some strange reason. Later, I feel extremely guilty, because I know I have gone and upset someone just to vent my own frustration. I don't know what my problem is called or how to fix it. Should I just isolate myself and not talk to anyone just to prevent the problem from occurring, or is there a better solution?

 

 

I'd have to say that you should probably go with not indulging this urge. Also, I have to question what the cause of the behavior REALLY is. Why do you do what you do? Just "it makes me feel better for some strange reason" doesn't explain what that strange reason is, so you should work on figuring it out. Is it getting the attention you want that makes you feel better? That's sort of what it sounds like to me.

 

Kevin's got a good explanation, but based off the the teensy bit of information we have here, it's sort of difficult to really figure anything out for certain. All I'll add here is just that you should avoid that type of behavior at all costs. Learn to recognize your triggers, keep yourself calm, and distance yourself from the situation until you can deal with things/people properly. People aren't very forgiving when it comes to intentional harm. Sure, they may SAY everything is fine and dandy, but the one good piece of advice my dad ever gave me is that it takes three "'at-a-boy"s to make up for one "ah shit".

[Tiger]

Jamie, I am pretty sure it is for attention and the satisfaction of a certain level of retribution. I know it sounds awful, because it really is. I often feel guilty afterward, so I am not a complete monster. Learning how to push buttons is not a good thing. In fact, it can be really bad. Thus, I really have to talk to my therapist about this issue to discover the root cause of it and hopefully fix the problem.

[Daisy]

I don't do it with friends, because its not fair and guilt stops me. with my family therefore its only when I am around them (and most of the year I don't live with them, or haven't for the last 3 years) or possibly while on the phone to them. I think I do it with them on the rare occasions I do as I feel I can get away with it on a rare occasion, I've put up with a lot of their shit, mess and tantrums so they can handle a second of mine, that and familys supposed to forgive right, or maybe supposed to not have a choice in that, but Im getting older so thats not really right.

 

Why I do it, yes there is usually some sort of other problem I have, and when Im living with friends instead I simply have to deal with it instead of deflecting and inflicting it on others. I think the last year though I isolated myself more than I should have now I look back and maybe should have approached my friends more, even if it meant I was alittle unstable at times, I'm sure some of them would have coped with it, again, I've had to handle enough of their problems and little 'fits' than maybe I should have.

 

my triggers are stress, pressure and worry. I don't deal with them well. and add to that procrasination (but that doesnt cause me to be like that, apart from when my family puts pressure on me about it ). so really I need to deal with the stress in other ways. actually alot of the time I put the stress and pressure on myself when it doesnt need to be there, thats what I've learnt this year really. I become over anxious. especially I need to fight the urge to procrasinate when I find something difficult or I put pressure on something as important, which then is only compounded when I waste valuable time. to reduce the pressure I think Im going to have to reduce the worry somehow, which unfortunately seems to be an inbuilt thing with me (and often I've realised unnecessary). oh well , well done Tiger you've managed to make me think about alot of things Ive been thinking about for awhile but brought them together. its been one good year for personal lessons .

 

celia

 

so yeah you've all answered my 'problem'.

Edited September 1, 2008 by Smarties

[ashessnow]

Sometimes I have this problem where if I get frustrated, I'll just start punishing but not in a physical manner. It's like I know what will push a person's buttons and will exploit just because I can. I know it's mean to do it, but at the time, it just seems to make me feel better for some strange reason. Later, I feel extremely guilty, because I know I have gone and upset someone just to vent my own frustration. I don't know what my problem is called or how to fix it. Should I just isolate myself and not talk to anyone just to prevent the problem from occurring, or is there a better solution?

I do that. I do that quite a lot really. If you come up with a better way of dealing with things you tell me. But isnt that what life is really about? Belittling people to make yourself feel better?

[Tiger]

I do that. I do that quite a lot really. If you come up with a better way of dealing with things you tell me. But isnt that what life is really about? Belittling people to make yourself feel better?

I know there are better ways, but it's just a matter of figuring them all out and controlling impulses. As far as that being the meaning of life, I don't really think so. I like to be philosophical, but I tend to avoid "the meaning of life". I believe life is too complicated to narrow down to a statement. I just have to remember to control myself and vent my frustration in other ways. We often hurt the people we love. Later we feel guilty and want to make amends, at least that is my experience.

[Tipdin]

That's what therapists call passive-aggressive behavior.

 

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