(Intimi)dating

[Marzipan]

Do you go out on dates? Will you date a person that you are not interested, but he/she is asking? Just to see if there is a spark there?

 

I did that yesterday, and it was only for a coffee. It didn't work. Awfull. He was cool and flirty and what ever. And he is really good looking. The problem was, I didn't feel right to ask the really important questions, those that matter to me. How on earth am I ever gonna date a stranger. Well, I won't. Too much pressure, especially if you are not totally into him/her.

 

So, I've not been on dates for ages and I find them terrifying!

[Nephylim]

I've never been on a date. My first boyfriend was a friend I had know for a while and we just kind of drifted into it and stayed togther for 15 years. My second was someone I had know even longer who was there for me when my first left me and again we kind of drifted into it and we were together for about 17 years. In between I had a short relationship with a girl who was also there for me after my marriage broke down and again, I had known her for ages and comfort just kind of turned into something more.

 

So... never been on a date

 

I have kind of become resigned now that I never will. It's not very likely that there is anyone who would put up with the physical and ... er... strange side of me and I have made the firm decision that anyone in my life... friend, colleague, partner take me for who and what I am or not at all. That's a lot to expect from anyone especially where I live.

[Marzipan]

I have kind of become resigned now that I never will. It's not very likely that there is anyone who would put up with the physical and ... er... strange side of me and I have made the firm decision that anyone in my life... friend, colleague, partner take me for who and what I am or not at all. That's a lot to expect from anyone especially where I live.

 

 

Ok, I see your point Neph! I feel that I'm such a weirdo too, that I can't show myself (meaning the true me) to a complite stranger, I just can't. I must be able to trust someone and that I guess eliminates the dating aspect for me too. Not that I have a low selfasteem, no I like myself, but I don't see many people appreciating the same thinks that make me happy and giddy. And finding the people that do, is really really hard.

[Skyline]

I've never been on a date in the sense that you describe, ie. with a stranger. Its pretty much always been an accelerated form of what nephy described. Met someone, friendship, decide I'm interested, ask them out, if yes, go from there, if no, stay friends. I highly doubt I could date a stranger. I'm not exactly generous when it comes to handing out trust lol.

[Nephylim]

Ok, I see your point Neph! I feel that I'm such a weirdo too, that I can't show myself (meaning the true me) to a complite stranger, I just can't. I must be able to trust someone and that I guess eliminates the dating aspect for me too. Not that I have a low selfasteem, no I like myself, but I don't see many people appreciating the same thinks that make me happy and giddy. And finding the people that do, is really really hard.

 

 

Exactly. I don't have a low self esteem, at least not mostly. I do have trouble accepting compliments but I am confident, optimistic and happy with who and what I am... and that's the problem. If I tell anyone, even friends, the extent of who and what I beleive I am, what I know and what I do I eally don't think that I would see their arse for dust

[Agaith]

My love life can be summed up as 'Dating? What's that?'

So yeah never been on a date, and not expecting to in the near future either.

[Cia]

Hmm... I've never dated. I met Josh right after I was 'officially' allowed to at 16. I'ddone the typical young kid, oh you're cute, let's go out, thing before him with people I knew and strangers but it was mostly physical back then. As an adult I'd be royally S.O.L. because I have no idea how it's done. Add in the fact that I'd rather stay home and read over going out anyday and I will probably be alone unless I meet a hot librarian. I see a lot of those in stories, so it could happen, right?

[TetRefine]

I really only went on probably three to four "dates" with Cammy. After that it just became times where we would hang out and spend time together. I prefer the latter much more, because the first couple times are the sometimes awkward "getting to know you" stage. I enjoyed not being nervous when I would go see him, and comfortable in the fact that it was like spending time with a best friend.

[Stargazer]

I went on a date once with someone I only knew very casually. It was awkward and it didn't amount to anything. The relationships I've had grew out of friendships into more. Or from groups of people we both knew all hanging out together and then getting to know each other better. I can't imagine actual 'dating.' :wacko:

[Tipdin]

I was not a big dater, but I've had a few. Most of my intimate relationships developed from well-established friendships. Consequently, my friends are extremely close and important to me.

 

Going out on a date with a stranger is not a problem for me. I'm confident in myself enough (now...) that I can take charge if need be. It's great fun to learn about someone new, finding out what we have in common and what we could have some great arguments about. Most of my stranger-dates turned into old friends, I've kept them in my life.

 

I actually don't want a partner that is a mirror image, might as well be alone then. I enjoy hearing new perspectives and being (respectfully) challenged so that I have to clarify my thoughts and feelings. It helps me to learn and grow. The same is true for my friendships as well. My friends have wildly diverse backgrounds and hold beliefs that cover the entire spectrum, from traditional to WAY out in left field.

 

Now that I'm on old fart, I don't have to worry about being beautiful and perfectly perfect in every way - to every one - I can relax. It's much easier to be open to others who are critiquing everything about me. It's also easier to deal with less than tactful comments and naive points of view. I can get into a person more deeply and quickly, assessing their stance and perhaps even them. Nearly everyone I talk with provides a learning experience for me. I learn about them of course, but at the same time, I learn about myself. I find out what makes me comfortable, or nauseated, which "type" of person I don't even want to deal with or have around me. I've also learned that most everyone I run into is interesting and I want more of them - for a friendship.

 

Among my friends, someone usually stands out as the one (or three) people that I am most comfortable being around. From those select few, I usually find the one someone that I want a more intimate relationship with. So I always tell people that ask for a date that I would prefer to be friend first - so we can't call it a date, we have to call it hanging out together - less stress and more options.

[Johnathan Colourfield]

Nephy aww *hugs*

 

And me and jason never really had 'dates'. We go out for meals and stuff but dont really go for dates.

 

Our first meeting after the first time i met him (aka our second meeting ) we talked and he opened his heart and asked me out and we ended up cuddling and kissing

 

Been together for 1 year and 2 months and still strong

[Raijen]

Dating... well... I haven't really been on a date in quite a while... I took a year off from dating, and that turned into two... I tried dating a couple of guys this Autumn, but that didn't work out.

 

It's funny though... I've gotten to a point where I think a guy has to earn a date with me. I know that sounds kinda arrogant, it's just that I've gone through waaaay too many guys to be indiscriminate in my choices now.

 

Then again... it may just be a defense mechanism. It's difficult to tell at times.

[Renee Stevens]

I've went on a couple... both of them were guys that I met at work (not coworkers though)... the first one was really awkward... the second... well, I've been with him for almost 4 1/2 years, two of them married, so I'd say it worked out good for me!

[DragonMando]

I've never actually gone on a date. Ever. I'm too much of a chicken to ask anyone and no one's asked me.

Edited January 13, 2011 by DragonMando

[Sendraguy]

To Marzipan, and all the others who've replied,

 

As far as dating goes I applaud your restraint and downright decency in the way you've conducted yourselves. I wish I could say the same for myself!

 

Before my current relationship I was 'in the wilderness' for about a year, and in that time went on about 150-60 dates. That's to say 'hook ups', arranged on a well known gay social networking site! Do they count?

 

Well, to cut a long story short, these 'dates' resulted in a shed-load of sex, many trips to the clinic and no true love, but I did develop a technique for dating survival and this is it,

 

1) Always make the first date a coffee, it's safe, and if someone's just looking for a quickie with you they'll bale, and

2) Have a contingency. I used to arrange meets near a mall or Tesco's so that if the date went bad, or there was a no show I could still do some shopping. You'd be surprised how even grocery shopping takes the sting out of being stood up!

 

After each of my meets I'd complete a diary. There was nothing creepy about this, just a bit of fun and a chance to hone my writing skills. Boy am I glad I did; these reminisences, running now to many thousands of words, are a fabulous thing to look back on.

[Marzipan]

To Marzipan, and all the others who've replied,

 

As far as dating goes I applaud your restraint and downright decency in the way you've conducted yourselves. I wish I could say the same for myself!

 

Before my current relationship I was 'in the wilderness' for about a year, and in that time went on about 150-60 dates. That's to say 'hook ups', arranged on a well known gay social networking site! Do they count?

 

Well, to cut a long story short, these 'dates' resulted in a shed-load of sex, many trips to the clinic and no true love, but I did develop a technique for dating survival and this is it,

 

1) Always make the first date a coffee, it's safe, and if someone's just looking for a quickie with you they'll bale, and

2) Have a contingency. I used to arrange meets near a mall or Tesco's so that if the date went bad, or there was a no show I could still do some shopping. You'd be surprised how even grocery shopping takes the sting out of being stood up!

 

After each of my meets I'd complete a diary. There was nothing creepy about this, just a bit of fun and a chance to hone my writing skills. Boy am I glad I did; these reminisences, running now to many thousands of words, are a fabulous thing to look back on.

 

Wow, that's a lot of dates!?!?! WOW

 

Can I be nosy and ask when did this dating marathon happen? Like in recent years or decade ago or? You sure are a dating survivor!

 

Did you meat your partner at one of these dates?

 

And off topic, lights just went out, I'm in the dark without any candles with my laptop and cell as my only lightsources... lol

[Sendraguy]

Yeah, that's about right, 2002-4. It's really gruelling after a while and does nothing for the self-esteem. I met my partner through a dinner party with other friends, though he'd done the internet dating thing too, sign of our times I guess.

Hope you get the power back: the way the world is now, with floods and things it could be lights out for all of us!! LOL

 

 

[Zolia Lily]

I've been on... hm.... 2 dates? Should have been three but i was too thick to realise i was being set up with the guy. Lol.

Hate dating. I don't want to have to dress up and try to impress someone or whatever. I'd much rather be myself and wear jeans and watch movies at home or something equally boring. Much more into the falling into something with a friend. Then again, never had a boyfriend etc either...

Whole idea of dating just freaks me out. If i could just skip past the getting-to-know-you stage then i'd be fine!!

 

 

[Dark]

In order to skip the getting-to-know-you phase, you have to already know the other person through other means, like a friend of a friend or someone that your 'crowd' hangs out with. For more opportunities like this, you should join clubs or groups that you're interested in. Maybe through your school or church or even scouting or a ymca-type thing (for the younger folks). Someone I know who does yoga was complaining that his favorite class was being innundated with straight men and I was like, why? Well, the girls go because they love the instructor (he's gay). The guys go because the girls are there! hehe

 

I'm far from the type of person who attracts offers of dates from random strangers, LOL -- yeah, right! -- so all of my dates have come from people that I know. My very first date was the boy I competed with for the top grade in our Chemistry class. Shocked the heck out of me when he asked. I'd had a crush on him forever. Tall, awkward red-head, wore glasses, can you say geek? haha, but it was a sweet dorkiness. We were together until he graduated, which was about a year.

 

I dated a guy in my ROTC unit in college, but I was too aggressive for him . Other dates have come like I said from groups that I hung out with or people that I know. The go to a random party or club and approach total strangers freaks me out. I'm a spaz like that. Never been into the club scene because I can't control the panic. Same thing with bars.

 

For me, I can go months between dates and then, like the past week, go on two or three in quick succession. It just depends. You need a little perserverance, and you need a bit of luck.

[Zolia Lily]

Dark- that's exactly what i'd like to happen!

Lol, but my groups of friends seem to be very much made up of girls... and any guys who come tend to be boyfriends or some exs....

and clubbing etc also freaks me out. I think i'm much less of a social creature than i used to think i was.

That's ok. I'm in noooo hurry at all.

I think i'm too random and talk too much and most of them probably think i'm insane.

Nevermind. I kinda like being insane.

[Dark]

Nevermind. I kinda like being insane.

 

I seem to remember a movie that had a scene where one of the characters was trying to convince the other to be proud about her 'freak flag.' That's one of the greatest movie scenes ever. Wish I could remember the movie!

[*HJ*]

I have been on a few dates. One of which I was stood up (shopping really does help). I have a date coming up with a guy I have know since childhood but never really gotten to know. I don't think it will turn into anything, but we will see.

 

I'm a fan of dating even if it doesn't pay off half the time. I like the social part of it I guess. If I meet a guy/girl and they ask me out on a date I will accept unless i'm really not interested.

[Zolia Lily]

Dark- LOL if you remember, let me know!!!

and HJ- wish i could do that. I think i'm a little paranoid. That's just gotta be it....

 

 

[Cyhort]

I've been on three real dates in my entire life. One ended with me almost getting into a fist fight with the girls dad and the other two, with a different girl, were decent enough. All my relationships start out online though so by the time we end up meeting we're past the "get to know you" part and into the "hanging out as an only slightly awkward couple" part.

[Raijen]

Wow, after reading everyone's posts, it's nice to know that feeling jittery about a date, or even being downright paranoid about it, is a common occurrence. I thought I was just being a chicken s*** but now I see that the vast majority of us have nervousness about dates and getting to know other people.

 

I'm reminded of realizing in my English class that everyone was nervous about standing up in front of the class and speaking. Once I realized that everyone was on edge, for some reason it made me relax. Maybe it's just the solidarity in knowing that you're not alone; that can be a big help and ice breaker, if both people realize that they are feeling awkward on a date.

 

And now I'm thinking... We tend to project our thoughts, conscious and not, onto other people. When we can start calling ourselves out on what we're doing, it tends to make it easier to laugh and joke with the other person, and nine times out of ten that playfulness ends up attracting the other person. When we smile, it loosens up everyone and helps make socializing easier.

 

I'm speaking from experience on that one, and I'm also acknowledging that there is always that nervousness, that slight fear of rejection. But the more that you face down the fear, the easier it becomes, until one day you find yourself singing your favorite song in the grocery store or dancing in the halls of your college. It's at this point that you start attracting people, both as friends an otherwise.

 

So... after that birdwalk, I guess what I'm saying is... Be easy on yourself. Acknowledge any fear, and rush at it headlong. Make it into a joke, play with it, find out that it isn't as scary as it seems (isn't that how most monsters are?).