Depression

[rustle]

I've had my own share of depressing moments,

 

You know as a kid, I wanted to be a doctor to help people and maybe create medicines to save the world or something. Today, I'm an accountant, who tell doctors to do the opposite. It's like every thing I do in my life just ends up being opposite of what I had wanted it to be. I'm not rich, but hell, I ain't poor either.

 

I haven't been out on date in a almost a year, and let me just say that I am frustrated beyond belief. No matter how well you do in life in terms of career, what you want is some one by your side to give you purpose and reason for doing it.

 

I don't even know why I go to work every day, I don't know why I do what I do except to fix this mess or make sure everyone gets paid on time. It's like I'm running on auto-pilot and there's no direction for me to go to.

 

Yesterday, I went into my annual physical and my doctor gave me the bad news that I had gained 40 lbs in 8 months, I knew I got chubbier, but I didn't know it was that bad. He asked about my stress level and I told him about some stuff I deal with at work and my eating habits. I'll get a nutritionist and probably need to figure out some way to get my stress factors under control.

 

I don't know if I am suffering from depression or not, but I just feel lost. While I give everyone else help and advice, I wish some one would give me some.

 

Why do I need to do this? Why am I trapped in a world that is based around so much sadness? Why do I need to care, when all logic should be that I just give in?

 

Well that's my rant

 

No accountant wants to believe money won't make you happy, but a lot of 'em burn out.

 

You probably won't like my advice. Your job is eating you. Get a new one, working for a non-profit you believe in. Take the pay cut if you have to, scale back your expenses, and get out of the house more.

 

Find a social hobby. Something fun. Ever taken a cooking class? You're looking at changing your eating habits, anyway. Ask the nutritionist about a class.

 

Weight gain is often linked to stress. Stress can be released through exercise, which introduces endorphins into the body. If you don't already have an exercise program, that's the best place to start. If you want to meet somebody, that might be a good place to do it.

 

The biggest thing is, though, to make a change.

[hh5]

I wonder what your nephew was thinking ... will the car theft bosses come after you? ... it be an amusing story plot

 

Yeah I think its the akward period where teens are trying to find their way thru life with their peers

 

question what would break the ice with a hot guy? ... gosh that would be an interesting investigation ... a new movie "What hot guys want"

 

Bee - hugs are tricky. I very free with hugs nowadays, but usually with people I´m in a "hugging relation" with. I never just attack people with hugs, not even children (or especially not children, I usually wait for them to come and get their hug). When I was youger I was appalled when friends of mine had been in America for some time and came back as serial huggers! And left-right-kissers!

In puberty and as a young grown-up I hated hugging ... maybe because it was more important for me to feel like a separate, independent person, it felt like every bit of idividuality and me-ness was sooo hard-fought for and hugging kind of took away from that. Like another person wanted to suck me in or something.

My oldest nephew is 17 now and I usually don´t hug him without warning - he hugged me a while ago after trying to teach me to play Grand Theft Auto, that startled me. (I think he was enthusiastic because I wrecked a Million cars about a millisecond after starting the game.)

 

And I hate it when I get nothing but a nice friendly hug from someone I´d rather have hot sex with. Damn!

 

[Mark92]

WOW you lot have been busy and Hi all

I'm trying not to be private any more. I've been a secret most of my life. Most of you know the bad stuff by know. And if you want to ask anything? you will get an answer. I'm not hiding anymore. I am me, Mark Lewis,

What is good and what is making me happy. Is everyone here, everyone being good and nice to each other, and hopefully helping.

Until I can get through the gate. I have 10 acres to play and enjoy. I also have the internet. I use google map to find the places you live. I dont mean addresses but the states the countries. I will go down a street and look at the houses or shops. If I find something interesting I look it up.

Eating for example, until Lukey and Baz came here, I had never had a take-away meal or convenience food. Now I have it two or three times a week. I dont know if that is a good thing or not? But I am beginning to copy them and do my own healthier versions.

Have any of you made a significant change to your lifestyle? I mean as in an attempt to self cure to any degree.

Stay happy people

[Y_B]

40 lbs in 8 months

 

Oh look a cute puppy!

[Y_B]

I use google map to find the places you live.

 

[Y_B]

For anyone who is wanting to make a few changes in their lives and has goals set up, I wanna really quickly share a tip that's been helpful for me, and that is to write them down and review them frequently. Goals are more effective when they are written down, measurable, specific and time sensitive. Meaning you write down exactly what you want to achieve, have a way to measure progress, and set a deadline. Also helps to have a buddy to keep accountability.

 

For example, i wanna be able to pay off all of my credit card debts plus outstanding student balances and have enough left over to get all of my car problems fixed by the end of May while not dropping below my own comfortable savings levels. I did some maths and it should work out.

[Mark92]

I really laughed at your little facey up there Y_B And like I said not actual places smaller than a town. You are very safe dont worry.

I am lucky not to have any debt. So good luck to you on your goal

A good Idea that, about goals. I have so many its difficult to sort through them and make just one a priority. And with so many do I workl on the smaller ones while trying to do the main one?

I will have a think and talk to my main man

Hugs all round

[comicfan]

Sometimes the easiest way is to set short term goals you know you can meet. You want to make this in a month, or complete that project by this date. Setting a realistic goal and then going for it makes it possible. As you meet those you set the next to help build self confidence and to keep from sliding back too far.

[acht-acht]

I have been really bad recently, probably the worst for several years, but I'm slowy coming out of it. Got to the point of just being curled up in a semi-comatose ball for a bit, and its frightening because I didnt know where it would end up. It really is hard to go through the peaks and troughs, to endure the worried stares, the "oh no not again", and the embarassment of succumbing again to the old demons.

 

Hi Roan! I´m damn glad I haven´t been to that bad curl-up-and-die place in a long time. There are bad spells where I can´t do much more than go through the motions, but at least I remember what the motions are. What I always hated when I went into a slump was not only that I made everybody around me miserable, I also felt that it stole so much time from me. It took big chunks out of my life.

And the "oh no, not again" looks ... I know my sweetheart feels real lonely when I´m depressed ... there´s really nothing he can do for me, except pick up all my slack, all my work, and worry. At least we always find ways to talk.

 

What I LOVE is coming out of a depression and suddenly feeling myself again ... there´s nothing like it!! Just to breathe makes me happy in such a moment.

[acht-acht]

Hi all!

Until I can get through the gate. I have 10 acres to play and enjoy. I also have the internet. I use google map to find the places you live. I dont mean addresses but the states the countries. I will go down a street and look at the houses or shops. If I find something interesting I look it up.

Eating for example, until Lukey and Baz came here, I had never had a take-away meal or convenience food. Now I have it two or three times a week. I dont know if that is a good thing or not? But I am beginning to copy them and do my own healthier versions.

 

LOL, Marky - nothing wrong with take-away when you´re a healthy young hardworking lad. I love fish and chips and salt n vinegar crisps and sticky pink little cakes, that used to be all I ate when in the UK ... I love all kinds of take-away food indian chinese japanese ... crazy sweets ... or good old fashioned home cooking ... or health food, everything really - when I travelled Europe during summer vacations as a kid I was always drooling over the strange and interesting foodstuffs I saw and couldn´t afford - I was mostly travelling on a bread-and-cheese-budget.

 

Love your arts-and-crafts efforts. I wish I could make beautiful wooden sex toys! Although I have the most beautiful, sleek, futuristic, insanely expensive white latex vibrator that never disappoints, something hand-crafted and -polished would probably look more dignified on my nightstand!

[acht-acht]

Hi All - me again. Actually, I don´t feel so hot right now. My sweetheart´s brother died very suddenly two weeks ago. He´s only two years older than him, and his heart gave out one evening - he was sitting in front of the tv with his mother, and had a heart attack. That was it. We got the call late in the evening. Thank god my brother was there and he could drive us there, otherwise we couldn´t have been there before the next day, and we didn´t want to leave my boyfriends mother all alone during the night. When we got there, we found we didn´t even wear socks (´we´d been ready to go to bed). They both cried and cried, and my boyfriend had the most horrible nightmares that night and the next ... They didn´t even get along so well, they were so different, but still, he was his brother ... we´ve been hardly sleeping for almost two weeks, we´re both just so tired, because there´s so much to organize ... but thre first two days were the worst, because there was nothing we could do, just sit there and wait, we couldn´t even organize the funeral, because the police kept his brothers body for some time (unclear cause of death, can you believe it).

We were afraid his mother would totally loose it because it was such a shock for her, she started acting like she had dementia, told the guy at the funeral home that her son had played soccer all his life (but that was her husband, he died years ago) - scary. Wanted us to move in and do everything for her because she was unfit to live on her own because she forgets things ... It wasn´t only the grief, it was also that she was used to living with a "man of the house" her whole life. After a few day s my boyfriend started to get pissed and told her to get a grip - that she wasn´t a little girl but a grown woman and not in the least bit senile, and it worked. She started doing things without asking him or me first, started answering the phone herself - even started not answering the phone when she didn´t feel like it. We´re back at home now and just phone her every day. Going back next monday. There was a funeral service already, but now we´re burying the urn, just the three of us.

We´re not sick with grief any more, we´re making our jokes and everything, but things are off.

Not the best time to be without my meds, but so far I´m doing okay ... it´s just that my nerves are kind of thrummimg constantly, I can´t really describe it. I always have to remind myself to breathe properly, you know.

Well, but we´re all gonna be good, I think. Just a bit much atm.

[Mark92]

Clara that was hilarious hahaha I really did laugh out loud. And Latex not my thing at all, but sounds fun.

I have those sorts of toys too. But hidden away until my man gets here.

Its easy getting the wood and all shapes and sizes too, as I have my own wood, I mean as in trees

 

Loads and loads of hugs Clara

I cant say I know what that is like. The only person I know who died was my mum and I wasnt sorry for that.

I feel for you though, I really do. I got all the condolences and "it will all be better with time," And I guess that should work. I am out of my depth here and dont want to say the wrong thing.

But if you need a scream, a rant or just a shoulder, its here

 

Thanks for your imput Comic

My goals are so varied. The biggest is getting through the gate, you know that one. Smaller ones are like getting out of the habit of lobbing LOL and eating with a knife and fork, some so silly and small. Mostly habits from isolation and not interacting. But of my own making. I'm not laying blame anywhere.

all

[comicfan]

Mark - Part of your issues are issues you inherited. Time will be a big marker in making change and getting better. Goals are good things to have. They keep you focused. It is when you are rudderless that things get bad.

 

Acht - I recently lost my mother. I know what it is like to see the surviving parent flounder. My father needed time to accept it. They had been married for forty years and that sudden change alters how you live your life. The funny thing is he and I get along like fire and gasoline. However, time has shown he needs a hand and while he might wish it was my brother who would do it, he is stuck with me. The best you can do is offer a shoulder but don't forget you are human too and if you need one don't be afraid to ask for it either.

[Mark92]

Thank you Comic , Oh wise one

 

How is everyone coping ??

I was having an erotic dream last night that turned into a nightmare. For no apparent reason.

Was tossing and turning the rest of the night. Oh well I'm still here LOL

 

Hugs all round

[JOeKEool]

Y_B thanks for the drink-although I seldom drink anymore,I enjoy a Baily's and coffee.

 

W_L if our work-life is out of sorts it can overtake our whole being.

Take Rustle's advice and make a major change if at all possible. You are young enough to make a new start.

Having a partner sure would smooth some rough parts,I know. I have been alone by choice with my depression driving me to be a hermit of sorts. Now I think one of the reasons I stayed in that darkness was to avoid facing the fact that I needed someone to share with. I had no self-confidence to see myself ever finding someone. I have a little more confidence now and I'm willing to face the lonliness until that time comes. Only with all you good people to lean on.

 

Harold - good to see you here. We will talk again soon.

 

Mark, the first impact you had on me was your open, honest SELF. From day one I felt able to tell you anything and knew you could do the same. You were the first face I saw here at GA and I never tire of your company.

 

Y_B I should do that. Write down a plan or a focus. I sometimes live in a dream-state.Just hope things resolve.They seldom do without positive input.

Keep repeating the same action and expect a different outcome-what do they call that? That's what I do.

The other extreme-when I get totally manic is wanting everything to change NOW. I think I can fix everything at once. Then, I think I get depressed when THAT doesn't happen. I have a pretty reallistic outlook now though. Change the things I can and accept the rest. And lean on you guys.

 

Clara-Hi-It is like a new world when that dark shadow lifts. You smell the air. See the sunshine. It's like a rebirth. And to just feel love again. There is nothing but hate in that shadow. Even the extreme emotions I have are worth it now ,to stay in the light if I can. I now have my- MY- poetry. I have been afraid to own it. I felt like it was foreign and just invading my brain. I think I accept it as something OF me now. I can dispell a lot of emotion in a few lines of verse. And this open communication is better than all the drugs or doctors or shrinks ever. Clara -Thanks for just being you.

Clara, my heart goes out to you for your loss of your loved one. If you need a shoulder or anything,I'm here. HUGS And one for your sweety-HUGS

 

Mark- enjoy the food man. You work hard. You're young and healthy. Everything in moderation. And especially moderation.Churchil or somebody said that. And don't stop LOBBING!! I think that defines you. Thats the open honest guy I love. I am going to start doing it. The hell with the neighbors.

 

Comic-Sorry for your loss as well. I am glad you could step in and help your Dad.

Even stressful times give us fond memories to foster in the future.

And ,it is the caretaker who often overlooks taking care of himself. Good advice to lend a shoulder but also ask for one when needed.

 

Mark and an erotic dream turn nightmare. Sounds like a rough night for sure. But, you sound like your feeling more yourself a bit now. Keep looking ahead. And please don't sell that place. I have to come see it sometime. You would not be happy in the real world. You have an enchanted kingdom of your own there. You feel trapped there ,I know,but that will alleviate with time. Then you will have the best of both worlds. I know, I'm being selfish because I envy you're little Eden there. Even with all the pain and the scars. You can't duplicate something like that.

WOW!! I've about written a book here. Thanks for sharing.

My love to all,

Joe

[comicfan]

I'll be the first to admit I am pretty good as a listener. However when it comes to sharing it isn't always as easy. You never know what is going to be the thing that sets off your depression. I am getting to be more and more health conscious and careful about what I do. My father is about to undergo his third surgery for skin cancer because he never wore hats, was always in the sun, loved his tans and all. Funny, but that isn't want sent me into a tailspin this week. Some know I am a big man, and I mean that literally. Deciding I didn't want to die stupidly, I began weight watchers to take it off. So far I've lost 30+ pounds.

 

However meeting a blind date and being told you are old and fat does little to ease your self image. In fact I fell right off the wagon and sat down to eat. One thing about being depressed you don't worry about what you eat. For me that is a problem. It also robbed me of the desire to work, write, or do much of anything for a few days. I'm finally coming out of it again but yeah, small goals and steps are all I am trying.

[Mark92]

Thank you Joe that was heart warming. And your writing is a part of you. I really believe that.

Also thank you so much for the poem. It made me puff out my chest and feel stronger

 

Not many know I call Comicfan Unc as in Uncle. He has always been there for me. Besides beta'ing and editting. He's there to kick my arse when I get down.

He has made me rethink so many times. To me he's close family. I dont have a real one.

You are such an awesome, amazing man Unc. Dont let it get you down. You deserve so much more and you need to know that.

Put on your Yorkshire cap, stick two fingers in the air and say " Fuck em all".

[Mikelaing74]

This is an interesting topic for me. I was diagnosed as being bi-polar around my twenty second birthday, so pretty much straight after university. I've lived with it since then. Depression is a truly horrible illness as there are no outward signs to say that you're not well, and you get sick of people telling you you're just having a 'bad day'. As I've said many times to people, I wish for just one day everyone could suffer the illness to give them better insight as to what happens.

 

As for the idea that the patient causes the illness, well that's a difficult one to answer. I can only talk about it from my point of view.

 

I work in an IT environment, I run the network for a local council and provide service to upward of 25,000 people on a daily basis. So my job is a little bit high pressure

 

My trigger for the depression is stress pure and simple. Recently I've been involved with the investigation of an employee who was misusing IT systems. The employee was dismissed, but then they appealed the decision. Once the appeal had been dismissed we then got to a situation where the professional body was investigating the ex-employee with a view to revoking their credentials. So I had to go testify at yet another hearing.

 

This has been going on since December 2010 and finally it got to be too much for me. Since the beginning of the year I've been suffering really bad anxiety attacks, as well as being in a depressed state. In my case part of the blame for me being in this state is because I didn't seek help earlier when I first noticed the symptoms. But I'm cursed with wanting to be at work all the time, it gives my life a structure. But then you also have to take into account that by taking time off work, you feel like ( I certainly do ) a failure. Which again makes things worse.

 

So I can't say the patient causes the episode, but in my case specifically I know I had a role to play in it.

[hh5]

@Mikelaing74 - IT burn out is quite easy thing that can happen ... it documented in http://www.techrepublic.com/blog/10things/10-things-it-pros-do-that-lead-to-burnout/3018?tag=nl.e101

 

Yup - I'm burnt out n depression but worst was i-BF abuse and friend abuse .. bad 17years

[Mark92]

I do hope you are getting better Harold

 

Mike, I hope things are improving. Time does heal some of it. I have to believe that. I have overcome a few struggles. But there are so many more too. But I am getting there. And so will you, all of you.

 

Belief doesnt have to be religion, it is hope and maybe things will work out.

[Bumblebee]

Odd numbers, I can't stand them, and it makes me kinda sad (besides the panic) that I can't have even numbers for everything.

I've had a pretty shit week as well, I think my brain is plotting against me and no matter what I do nothing changes in my head, and just being me has made me lose who I thought was a close friend who obviously wasn't because all it took was me being myself to have a falling out.

Oh and the fact that I'm an idiot probably didn't help.

[Mark92]

Sometimes Bee it's hard to stay focussed on who the real friends are. I think it's me you are refering too. I hav'nt gone anywhere. I just ask for a little time to fix myself and my surroundings. I am actually sleeping now. I go to bed about midnight. And because of my hard working farmhands I can actually stay in bed. And let them do it. They even offered me a week off, total lazyness for one week. I dont know if it's possible for me to give it up for that long. But I am beginning to get into a routine.

I am here Bee just dont expect me to be at your beck and call.

[Bumblebee]

I don't expect my friends to be at my beck and call, I do expect my friends to at least send an email from time to time when we haven't spoken in over a week or two, like i said, it takes 2 minutes to type out an hi how you doing? email.

[Mark92]

I answered you in PM Bee

[JOeKEool]

Hi All. Hi Comic. I am sorry you had to deal with all that. Your dad's issues were bad enough. A major put down like that is uncalled for.

I'm glad you're working through it. I know how hard it is when food is the issue but has also been the comfort.

I turn to food for most any reason. I have weight issues as well. Keep going forward.You're doing OK.

 

Hi Mark. That poem for you contains a lot of my heart and soul. I hope you can draw strength from it indefinitely. I give it to you with admiration and gratitude. You are blessed with a deep insight and strength. You are an old soul. I wish only the best for you.

I'm glad you and Comic are close. I feel close to both of you and know you are good for each other. Thanks for looking out for him Comic.

I do feel confident that I am a writer. I have the ability to write. I still feel I receive the ability from a higher source. What I write I can now feel is coming from my own heart.

 

I have to go. I have had a strange day. And now another emergency of sorts. I need all your strength now.

Joe