Depression

[harcallard]

I am glad to hear that everything turned out okay

[hh5]

its ok if u join the cancer club .. that way I'm not the only member

lets just hope u don't have any or if u do its benign

 

then the other question is how will they treat it or monitor it year by year

i'll pray for u

 

I'm stuck right in the middle of a cancer scare. After Tuesday, I'll either be more depressed or never depressed again. lol

 

Edited June 8, 2012 by hh5

[harcallard]

Since my last entry here, I have come to a rather frank and hard realization. Most of it had to deal with the way I was perceiving things. I mean I wanted things a certain way they were not and never would be. I came to realize that I and only I control my happiness in this life. If someone has their own hang ups then that is them and not me. If for what ever unfortunate reason they find they do not like me nor want to talk to me , its their loss and a waste of my time. If this sounds rather harsh to some, then so be it, but this is the conclusion or the place I had to arrive at. I am too old to worry about whether or not someone likes me.

 

I am a little down today because I have a very good friend of mine who is terminally ill. I have gone through this with two other people in my life and I know what to expect. However, it still doesn't make the outcome easy to bear. Loosing someone you love or care about is never easy. This is way I had to do some soul searching and come to the decision I have reached. I want the rest of the time I have, no matter how long that may be, a happy and a drama free one. A good friend of mine told me yesterday that before we get down on our selfs and start to cry.. we need to examine our situation and see what the situation may be or the person (s) involved and change it if we can.

 

I have been doing much better since I joined this forum and I am so thankful for those who have reached out with their word, thoughts, and recommendations. I am sincerely grateful.

Edited June 10, 2012 by harcallard

[harcallard]

I finally had a big blow out with my family and certain people who I once considered my friends...They all told me that they care about me, I was like bullshit and said that actions speak a hell of a bit louder than words...However , the reason I mentioned this is because I feel so much better I cant tell you. It's as if a huge load has been taken off my shoulders. I thought as I was was driving back home that I haven't cried one single tear during or after what had happened..My aunt told me that I have now reached a point where it doesn't bother me any longer. She said she was waiting for this day to happen so that I could finally let things go.. Who would have known that I had someone in my corner all along. So now I am going to go make myself a sandwich and enjoy the rest of my day.

[Mark92]

Good for you , I hope you keep on feeling better

 

Hugs all round

[K.C.]

Today was a bittersweet day. In a way it was a first but not really... Robert and I went to the arts and crafts festival. For years, It was a favorite of my Mom and Grandmother. We had started a tradition of attending for the last few years, Grandmother, Mom, my daughter JJ and me. It was always so much fun.

 

Last year was the first year without my Grandmother and this year would be the first time without my Mom. JJ wasn't ready and wanted to spend the day with a friend, so Robert and I went just the two of us. The day was beautiful, the weather perfect. We ate fresh roasted peanuts as we walked the miles of art venders and watched talented men and women work on their crafts right there.

 

It was a nice day but it made me miss the 3 most beautiful ladies in my life. Also made me realize how short of time I have with my daughter. She is growing up so fast. I still find myself trying to call my mom to tell her about my day, expecially a day like to day, I know she would have liked to hear all about it

[comicfan]

I finally had a big blow out with my family and certain people who I once considered my friends...They all told me that they care about me, I was like bullshit and said that actions speak a hell of a bit louder than words...However , the reason I mentioned this is because I feel so much better I cant tell you. It's as if a huge load has been taken off my shoulders. I thought as I was was driving back home that I haven't cried one single tear during or after what had happened..My aunt told me that I have now reached a point where it doesn't bother me any longer. She said she was waiting for this day to happen so that I could finally let things go.. Who would have known that I had someone in my corner all along. So now I am going to go make myself a sandwich and enjoy the rest of my day.

 

Sounds like have made some hard decisions. Sometimes you find out who has been hoping for the best and waiting for you to make your move. Sounds like you are making a difference and it is having a positive response in your life. I wish you all the best.

 

Today was a bittersweet day. In a way it was a first but not really... Robert and I went to the arts and crafts festival. For years, It was a favorite of my Mom and Grandmother. We had started a tradition of attending for the last few years, Grandmother, Mom, my daughter JJ and me. It was always so much fun.

 

Last year was the first year without my Grandmother and this year would be the first time without my Mom. JJ wasn't ready and wanted to spend the day with a friend, so Robert and I went just the two of us. The day was beautiful, the weather perfect. We ate fresh roasted peanuts as we walked the miles of art venders and watched talented men and women work on their crafts right there.

 

It was a nice day but it made me miss the 3 most beautiful ladies in my life. Also made me realize how short of time I have with my daughter. She is growing up so fast. I still find myself trying to call my mom to tell her about my day, expecially a day like to day, I know she would have liked to hear all about it

 

I am sorry to hear that it was bittersweet, KC. As time passes and I do and go to the places that were important to my mother, I find it brings me pleasure now. Just hang out when you can with JJ and make the memories with her that you remember and enjoy so much of your mother and grandmother. My best you always bud.

[Yettie One]

It was nice to see the sun today, and I decided that we needed to get out of the house for a few hours today. It's been rainy and grey here for a while now, and there are times when the dull weather is just a little too much to bare.

 

So we got to enjoy lunch in a country pub today. Mom was convinced she'd been there before bless her. She told me about when she'd visited and with who, despite the fact we've never been anywhere near the place before, and I couldn't help but smile and listen, agreeing with her as I just didn't have the heart to tell her she was wrong.

 

I love my mom dearly. It hurts so much to watch her slowly decline, and be helpless and unable to stop or change it. I sometimes just wish I could take all her pain on myself and make it better for her. It's days like these that I treasure still being able to spend time with her, but it kills me slowly inside too. Really just needed someone to talk too when I got home today!

Edited June 11, 2012 by Yettie One

[comicfan]

It was nice to see the sun today, and I decided that we needed to get out of the house for a few hours today. It's been rainy and grey here for a while now, and there are times when the dull weather is just a little too much to bare.

 

So we got to enjoy lunch in a country pub today. Mom was convinced she'd been there before bless her. She told me about when she'd visited and with who, despite the fact we've never been anywhere near the place before, and I couldn't help but smile and listen, agreeing with her as I just didn't have the heart to tell her she was wrong.

 

I love my mom dearly. It hurts so much to watch her slowly decline, and be helpless and unable to stop or change it. I sometimes just wish I could take all her pain on myself and make it better for her. It's days like these that I treasure still being able to spend time with her, but it kills me slowly inside too. Really just needed someone to talk too when I got home today!

 

I'm sorry to hear that things are going so rough Yettie. It isn't easy when the child becomes the parent or when you have to deal with losing the one you love bit by bit. Just remember to take time for yourself as well. As hard as it is just remember who she was and try to make days like today events you can remember without too much pain. hang in there.

[Mikelaing74]

It was nice to see the sun today, and I decided that we needed to get out of the house for a few hours today. It's been rainy and grey here for a while now, and there are times when the dull weather is just a little too much to bare.

 

So we got to enjoy lunch in a country pub today. Mom was convinced she'd been there before bless her. She told me about when she'd visited and with who, despite the fact we've never been anywhere near the place before, and I couldn't help but smile and listen, agreeing with her as I just didn't have the heart to tell her she was wrong.

 

I love my mom dearly. It hurts so much to watch her slowly decline, and be helpless and unable to stop or change it. I sometimes just wish I could take all her pain on myself and make it better for her. It's days like these that I treasure still being able to spend time with her, but it kills me slowly inside too. Really just needed someone to talk too when I got home today!

 

Sorry to hear that Yettie, I can't imagine the pain of watching someone slowly slip away. It is always far worse for the survivors to watch as a loved one slowly recedes until there is only a shell.

 

[Mark92]

Hey all

 

So glad you enjoyed your day KC And agreed you need to make certain special moments to remember special days with JJ. She is so lucky to have two wonderful parents

 

Hey Yorkie I never had the mum you and KC and Comic remembers. Mine was the complete opposite. I looked after her most of my life and the last two years she was bed ridden. I don't have one happy memory of her. So hold on to what you have

[Yettie One]

Just spent a wonderful morning with mom. I took some time out to do her hair, one of my hidden talents from a course I took when I left school and was trying to figure out what to do with my life. It was an avenue that ended up taking me down other roads, but gave me some skills I can call on from time to time, and this morning turned out to be a good time to put them into gear.

 

I actually had a lot of fun, totally redid mom's hair into something tall and scary at first just for a laugh. She nearly collapsed when I showed her, and I should really have been thinking in advance and filmed it coz it was a moment that will stay with me forever. It was wonderful to hear her laugh so. When things are good we get along so well. We've always been so damn close.

 

I then set things right, into a semblance of style, probably a little old fashioned if a modern hair dresser was to comment, but for mom, she's happy and that's all that counts. There is something about having their hair done that makes a woman feel special and good about themselves and its good to be able to give that to someone you love.

 

It's days like these that I treasure. They are too scarce now and few and far between, and I grab onto them with such greed and hunger I feel bad for wanting them so. I should be strong enough to accept what is happening and have the ability to deal with it. But instead I hide away and bury things deeply, shutting myself off from the world so it cannot see the pain and fear I am carrying. I am scared of the future, a future that cannot be too far away anymore. Sometimes I don't want these good days, they just make the pain and reality sharper and more real.

 

I have to say a big thank you to everyone that supports and encourages me, and allows me this time and channel to vent, let of steam, think and ramble. Your messages and quiet words of support even though you don't know me too well mean more than you will ever know.

[Mark92]

It's always good to hear the happy times too. Giving a voice to how I feel has helped me so much. Before I came to GA the good times were few and far between, and probably insignificant to those in the rat race they call life. My good times were my animals or old Sam doing something or saying something so rude and crass I would fall about laughing. Now with GA I have people to share with, care with, and love with. I have changed so much it's incredible and quite unbelievable when I think about it.

Cherish the good times Yettie no matter how much they will hurt in the future, good memories need to be held close to your heart. You will need them eventually. Stay well my friend

 

Hugs all

[Mark92]

I see nobody has been here for a while, its okay

This is me having a blather about my life right now. Not looking for anything but a place to write it.

I dont know if my problems are worse or better, I seem to be stuck in an apathy phase.

I'm just coming round to the idea of maybe I need other help. Do I go for a shrink or meds? Will I shrink even understand what living like I do means?

I'm scared of people I think. How you all live your lives is so different from mine. Could I really cope out there?

More questions now than I had in the beginning, is that a move forward or back?

My biggest fear is of the unknown. Life as you lot live it.

There is a song titled "There are more questions than answers," crap song but its true about how I feel. Meh! enough said Marky out.

 

Hugs all

[Mikelaing74]

Marky babes, I've been bouncing between shrinks and meds for quite some time now. I finally have a GP who's willing to listen and work with me. She referred me for a course of CBT which much to my amazement has actually made a difference in my life. I'm more relaxed and more importantly happy with me for the first time in quite a while. But that only applies to me.

 

As for you fear of people, I think it's quite justified. Surprisingly if you were to meet me in real life you'd find I'm actually quite shy and introverted. It takes a long time for me to warm up to someone and begin to trust them. That's where snuggle comes in, he's a people person, he handles the situations that I would normally run away from.

 

Being on here helps me more than I ever thought, because it's one place that's mine, and it's helping me in real life to control my demon side. Writing is cathartic to me, it allows me to express some of the stuff that I've buried so far down in my psyche that I've nearly forgotten about it, maybe one day I'll lay it all on the table, but I think that day is so far away.

 

Anyways enough of my rumblings, go cuddle with Stuby, he's the best medicine for you.

 

Hugs Marky

[Mark92]

Thanks Mikey

 

So, I'm guessing you have to tell them everything? I mean there's some stuff in my past I've blocked out, and some I don't like repeating even to myself. Just how much do they need to know?

 

[Mikelaing74]

Marky, it all comes down to what you want to get out of the therapy. I kept some things hidden because I don't want to deal with it with the therapist as she can't give me what I need to get over it. I'll need snuggle to do that for me.

 

Start easy is my best advice on this one. Pick up on a few things and just see where it leads. I found it incredibly useful to have a 'trial' run with snuggle before seeing the therapist. So, try with Stuby. If you feel you can't with Stuby as he's too close then pick a stranger, someone not connected to you. To that end, if you need someone listen to you rant for an hour and remain quiet while you vent, let me know I'll send you my number.

 

Keep you chin up Marky, and remember everyday you achieve something, even if it's just getting out of bed, or cuddling with Stuby. Every day you gain a victory.

 

Keep smiling, and don't let your demons beat your better nature.

[Breeze]

I agree with Mike, Mark. In the last three years, my life fell apart, and I've had to start over again. At one point it was to much, so I got some counselling. Its not quite a psychiatrist, but close. What she did for me, was help get my thoughts in order, because everything felt so chaotic and I couldnt get a handle on anything. The other thing is ,that as a neutral person, she could look at what I told her and the ask me things or make observations that made me look at things in a whole different perspective. To me thats what I needed, someone with a different perspective and it helped.I also did it without meds. Some people like them, some dont, thats an individual choice. I just didnt feel like that was something for me. Now my sister, is bi-polar, so for her what works is meds and counselling. And I dont tell my counsellor everything either, some of the crap from my childhood is just not something I am prepared to deal with out loud.

If you do get some help just remember one thing, and this is what I was told....if you dont feel good with your person, then change them. You dont have to go with the first one if it isnt a good fit. *hugs*

Shelly

[harcallard]

I agree Mark with what everyone has said mark. My life as well in the last few years hasn't excatly been a bed of roses. So i finally swallowed what was left of my pride and went and sought after help. I still have times where my mind wonders and i have periods of doubts , panic periods and even depression.My therapist helps me deal with situations and subjects I would other wise ignore. suppose I am just ranting as well, but I have been told it is good to rant and rave. Like I just had a thought cross my mind as I am sitting here writing this.

 

My birthday is exactly two weeks from today and I should be happy. However, for some known and unknown reasons, I am not happy about it. I am actually sad and depressed. Tried to talk to someone who I thought was my friend and they basically in not so many words had it played it off as if I were having a mid life crisis. I''m like hell no I am not having one of those already had it!

 

I truly appreciate this forum being here so we can share and discuss things with others who know where we are coming from. Hugs to everyone.

[comicfan]

Ah Mark,

 

There is an old saying, no one is an island. Talking to someone might be just what you need. The big problem is getting there. You lead a solitary life out on the farm. You aren't the type to jump in the car and spend hours walking through a city or town, meeting at the local pub, or hang out in crowded places.

 

First off you can only work on what you want to. Not everything will come out, or at least not immediately. Like anything else you have have trust in your therapist. If they aren't working with you or for you, then move on. You know if you need someone to talk to, the thread is here, and you have me any time you need me.

[Zolia Lily]

I see nobody has been here for a while, its okay

This is me having a blather about my life right now. Not looking for anything but a place to write it.

I dont know if my problems are worse or better, I seem to be stuck in an apathy phase.

I'm just coming round to the idea of maybe I need other help. Do I go for a shrink or meds? Will I shrink even understand what living like I do means?

I'm scared of people I think. How you all live your lives is so different from mine. Could I really cope out there?

More questions now than I had in the beginning, is that a move forward or back?

My biggest fear is of the unknown. Life as you lot live it.

There is a song titled "There are more questions than answers," crap song but its true about how I feel. Meh! enough said Marky out.

 

Hugs all

 

The fact that you are even asking more questions I think is a step forward. I think it means you're more ready to face this stuff. You're more aware of things, a to nd the more you're aware of, the more you try to understand.

Fear of the unknown is pretty natural, if you ask me. I think a lot of fear falls into that category - fear of the dark, superstitions, those "first day of school" nerves, fear of death; even things like racism - the fear of "other" ... Being able to face your fear is the hard part. Being able to ask for help is really important; and a really brave thing to do. It's so easy to just continue on with the way things are and not face that fear... even when you recognise it and recognise that maybe you're not as happy as you could be.

Seeing someone can be really scary - it often means revealing yourself and facing your fears and those deep dark parts of yourself you do keep hidden away. If you see someone, they shouldn't judge you. If they do that, then in my mind you can write them off already. Stop seeing them. See someone else. They're not helping you. It's really important that you can trust whoever you turn to for help. Your psychologist or psychiatrist can't help you if you're not open and honest with them. I know multiple people who have gone through multiple therapists until they found one who suited them - someone they were comfortable talking to and could trust. Also, you don't start with the hard stuff. You start with what comes easy at first, and then, if the relationship between you is right, you can progress to the harder stuff. Dip your toes in first - don't jump straight into the deep end.

As for meds vs. shrink... I guess i can see why at the beginning both can be useful. Meds might help with anxiety - and make the things you fear easier to confront - but I think, if at all possible, that meds should be used as a tool and not as a crutch.

They are some hard questions, Marky - but if you chose to see a therapist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, then I'd suggest having this conversation with them. Ask them how they can help you. Tell them that you're not sure you want to share everything. Tell them what worries you about seeing them and ask all those questions that are troubling you. Their answers might make you more comfortable with the whole process too.

 

Life as we live it.... Ah me..... I have days where I'm scared; and things i can normally do (like ringing up to make an appointment) just seem beyond me. I have days where everything is a struggle. Those are bad. I end up crying in public and that's always just a little embarassing. But you know, you have the luxury of having a home and a safehaven; somewhere you can always retreat to when things get too much. Life as we live it isn't necessarily for everyone. I'm still wondering where I fit in the world, and I think finding out is a long, long process. I guess what I mean is, don't be too hard on yourself, Marky. Life as we live it isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be......

 

HUGS, boyo! Let me know if you ever need to talk. I can be a shoulder to lean on and a hand to hold and an ear to listen, whenever you need one.

Lily

[Mark92]

Thank you everyone

 

I did have a good talk to an old friend of mine, or should I say friend by proxy? He is an old friend of Kates and has known about me for some years. That was part of it, starting from scratch about how things came about. Because he already had some knowledge of me, I didnt have to say much to get him to understand. What he suggested is "baby steps". To stop trying to deal with the whole thing and break it down.

I am so good at loving everyone else, its so I dont have to love me. I dont have a mirror in the house. I dont want to look at myself. Until recently I didnt have too.

I now have to shave, and I dont mind doing it, but I wont look myself in the eye when I do. I'm there to shave not look at myself.

My friend Zac told me, The shock of seeing myself once in a while reinstates my dilike of myself. That if there were mirrors all over, I would see myself more often and get used to it. I dont know if it will work, but I will try it. Prioritising my other problems and issues too. Dont know about that one. Just trying to take it all in and break things into smaller managable pieces. I want to thank you all for being there and offering help. Thank you

[Mikelaing74]

Marky, you've hit it right on the head. Trying to solve the whole problem is impossible. So you break it down into manageable chunks. One of the best pieces of advice I got whilst in uni was 'you can't eat a whale in one bite, but over time with many you can.'

 

This is your whale, just pick up on bite sized chunks, and eventually you'll digest the whole whale. Don't expect it to be quick or painless, because it won't be. But eventually you will get there, and we'll all be here as your cheering section.

 

[harcallard]

I have felt that way about myself for many years due to the efforts of an ex who made me feel like a worthless piece of crap. It has taken me almost 20 years to get over that. I can honestly say that I can look in the mirror and smile at the person I see. I have come along way to getting my self-esteem back to where it use to be. Take baby steps Mark and never feel ashamed to talk to someone. Take care and hugs to ya.

[Yettie One]

I'm just coming round to the idea of maybe I need other help. Do I go for a shrink or meds? Will I shrink even understand what living like I do means?

I'm scared of people I think. How you all live your lives is so different from mine. Could I really cope out there?

More questions now than I had in the beginning, is that a move forward or back?

 

 

I dont have a mirror in the house. I dont want to look at myself. Until recently I didnt have too.

I now have to shave, and I dont mind doing it, but I wont look myself in the eye when I do. I'm there to shave not look at myself.

 

Hey Mark

 

Sorry it's taken me a while to respond, it's been one of those weeks where I've kind of shrunk back into the shadows and gotten on with what I've needed to do to survive, but left the big stuff to just pass me by. Seems easier to cope with days when my mind is a muddle by doing that.

 

I think I've come to realise that one of the scariest parts of all this as an adult is realising that I suddenly don't have all the answers for my life, and you are so right, not knowing the answers is bloody scary.

I've always kind of believed I was in control of my life, but now I don't know, and I stop to question everything. It's frustrating, and this doubt irritates me, wears me down and has smashed my self confidence. It's weird how quickly and quietly its happened too. I didn't even realise it till now I start having to face it.

 

Does talking help? I don't know. I'm really struggling with talking to a stranger. There is just so much stuff there, stuff I really don't want to dredge up and talk about with a complete stranger. But then I'm not sure it'd be something I'd want to discuss with a friend either. I've always been the kind of person to just shut it all in and just get on with it, I really worry about what people think of me all of a sudden. I hate this feeling of weakness.

 

You talking about a mirror has made me suddenly realise how much I go through the same thing. I hate my reflection, and stay away from them as much as possible. Funny how something as small as that can make such a massive impact.

 

Sorry I'm not really answering any of your questions, probably more ranting myself about stuff you've touched on. I think I'm coming to realise that this is something that has no simple fix. I catch myself most days lost in a day dream, and when I come round, I can't even really remember what the hell I was dreaming about. I'm not convinced Meds are doing anything to help it either, although they are supposed to take a while to take effect. Time will tell I guess.

 

I suppose for each of us the road to recovery, or the semblance of normality is different and personal. Life has a funny way of demanding that we get on with it, find some way of surviving and getting by. Right now, it's you lot that are my lifeline. This thread, these comments of support, love and encouragement. The idea I'm not totally alone, the realisation that life is not a picnic and we all go through tough shit helps me to realise that there is a reason to go on, a reason to fight against these feelings of worthlessness, and a reason to not put an end to it all. Small little glimpses of friendship that matter to me.

 

Not a lot in all that to get any answers from, other than to say you are important to me. To a whole lot of us. Your compassion and friendship are special to a lot of people and we treasure your love and support. I can only hope that in return you feel it too.

 

 

My birthday is exactly two weeks from today and I should be happy. However, for some known and unknown reasons, I am not happy about it. I am actually sad and depressed. Tried to talk to someone who I thought was my friend and they basically in not so many words had it played it off as if I were having a mid life crisis. I''m like hell no I am not having one of those already had it!

 

Hey Harcallard

 

For what its worth, I really hope you have a good birthday. Even if your not so eager for it to come by, time won't stop, and the clock marches on. For what it's worth, sometimes that reminder that we are just getting older is hurtful to a lot of people, not that I am assuming it's for that reason your feeling down, but I guess I'm just saying I know how you feel.

Are people allowed to have two mid life crisises? Ha is crisises even a word?

LOL

No, people are funny, and it's one of the reasons I'm so dead against talking to friends. They don't want to know you have problems. But then I ask myself are they really friends? Isn't friendship about giving as well as taking, being their to help in the hard times for each other? Unfortunately that is the way it is meant to be, but far too often not the way it really is when it comes to experience. I guess that's why this little forum is such a special place for so many of us. We can rant, rave, cry, whine, moan and still be normal, and hell, even find people who understand.

 

Thanks everyone. I draw strength from you all each day, and even though you may not know it, or realise it, and I know we each have a different mountain to climb, but it helps. This place helps. You all help.

Sending you all a massive Yettie Hug, I wish I could do it in person, but I don't want the medical bill for broken bones, so this little yellow fellow will have to do.

Edited June 25, 2012 by Yettie One