When I finally pushed myself out.......way too late

[Benji]

I probably should not have not even started this topic.......but I having been living a lie for way too long.. recently brought out by communications with my High School re-union peoples. Until then I thought I was out to only 4 people, turns out an indiscretion unseen by anybody was spread out to the entire class by a supposed best friend at our 20th re-union, I was totally unaware of this and for the life of me did not figure out why I was so ostracized at that 20th. Skip forward in time, okay I'm out to maybe 4 people, now 5, (excluding you all here on GA) I got a ms from one of my friends and called him..... and I told him, he was non-pulsed, seems his older brother died of AIDS in the '80s in SF. So there is number 5, he gave me a reason ( I really took to drink at this time) to go to the event, but I don't think so. The fantasy of my 'so 'called life' ended over 10-13 years ago when depression set in, and the realization of my falsehood was just that. Married with children about to be a grandfather, and willing to just let myself live with that.

 

It is a long and winding road, I'm sure if I had chosen the right path I'd be dead.

[rustle]

I probably should not have not even started this topic.......but I having been living a lie for way too long.. recently brought out by communications with my High School re-union peoples. Until then I thought I was out to only 4 people, turns out an indiscretion unseen by anybody was spread out to the entire class by a supposed best friend at our 20th re-union, I was totally unaware of this and for the life of me did not figure out why I was so ostracized at that 20th. Skip forward in time, okay I'm out to maybe 4 people, now 5, (excluding you all here on GA) I got a ms from one of my friends and called him..... and I told him, he was non-pulsed, seems his older brother died of AIDS in the '80s in SF. So there is number 5, he gave me a reason ( I really took to drink at this time) to go to the event, but I don't think so. The fantasy of my 'so 'called life' ended over 10-13 years ago when depression set in, and the realization of my falsehood was just that. Married with children about to be a grandfather, and willing to just let myself live with that.

 

It is a long and winding road, I'm sure if I had chosen the right path I'd be dead.

 

Benji, you're on the right path, no matter where it's taken you, and no matter where it leads.

 

We're here for a purpose. We have free will for a purpose. We have the ability to reflect on our lives for a purpose. There's something to be learned here. I'm convinced that we live our lives in such a way as to bring us to exactly where we need to be. Not where we want to be, but where we need to be.

 

High school classmates are just people that you used to know. You've been outed to them? In what way does that change who you are and what you've done?

 

I sometimes wish I'd had a family, or done this or that. But every decision made was made in good faith, with the best information available at the time, and knowing what I did then, I'd make the same decisions again. Knowing that, there's no room for regret. And a lot to take pride and pleasure in.

 

One foot in front of the other.

[wildone]

Benji,

 

What is the right time?

 

Really...

 

Maybe it is your time now because of the loose lips five years ago.

 

I'd say if you don't want to go to the reunion, then don't. If they can't take a look at you and see that you married, stayed honest to the relationship, raised kids, going to be a grandfather as well as still taking care of your wife even though you may not identify with yourself as hetro anymore, then lets be blunt, screw them.

 

You have made the choices you have made, you have suffered and enjoyed the consequences of those decisions and now you are worried about what some people you went to school with a 1/4 century ago think about you?

 

Continue to live you life the way you see is fit and let the pieces fall where they do.

 

After all, you are Bengi

[MJ85]

I'd say...go there and let 'em have it. Give them something to answer for for their attitudes towards you. Even if it means explaining how you have in fact lived, dare I say it, such an honest life in spite of their attitudes, and then turning around and walking out of the reunion and out of their lives for good...you don't owe them very many niceties at all. Especially not your "best friend" who wasn't really much of a friend.

[Menace]

Dont hide, but go with pride. Go to the reunion and dont show fear. Because if you dont go ,they will think they won. So go and show them your power and ability to shine even when shunned and beaten. When trouble comes your way, remember you have have another family and that's GA.

[Benji]

.........You know what I really want to go, not to stand up or anything, but to meet my real friends, I don't care about the others. 3 came out at our last re-union. And here I was with my wife now going on 29 years, what could I say, I know she knows, but I have never had the courage to utter those words to her. So here I stand, do I want to f**k with it and go and spend a lot of money? Or just leave it alone?That is my problem, I'd love to see Gyra, my girl that I had a crush on, I'd also love to see Mike who I had such a crush on that I avoided him for over 6 years, he never married that I understand, still he was a surfer boy hetero kid in my eyes. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, avoid the kid I lusted after, funny I never lusted at anyone else in school, I kept my poise straight (Haha).

 

Strange as it is, I have had my encounters, but never a connection, if I go to the re-union I will definitely confront Mike, but should I? What am I going to tell him? That I fell in loved him since the 7th grade? That our most significance meeting was in gym class when we had to wrestle against each other, crap that is when I decided to avoid you!

 

In one part I want to confront this, on the other I want to forget it, being outted 20 years ago and not knowing about until recently was a shock, but not one I could withstand it went from there with the 'best friend scenario doing it'. So here I go, don't' care about him, nor his peers. Do I want to see Mike? And if he says no to me it will crush me beyond your beliefs.

[Rndmrunner]

Hey Benji, I certainly can'y walk in your shoes but your sexuality does not define your relationships. You are 58, (I am 55, so have some idea). if not now when? You've got one life so just make sure you live it. that does not mean forsaking your marriage, family and the rest but make sure that holding in huge chunks of who you are does not close you off from the folks you love. I have it easy, I am out and my partner and i have a kid so we are SO OUT to everyone. It only hursts when a five year comes up to you at your kids school and says `So are you two the grandfathers?`

[paya]

you know Benji... if you were outed 20 years ago, I guess Mike would already know... so if you tell him you liked him, it should not be such a big surprise - there always was the possibility. Of course, I don't know him (nor you) that well to make more conclusions. But my take on the situation is, if you tell him - and add that he looks still damn sexy - you'll probably only make him feel better about himself (even if guys don't want to admit it, it makes them feel nice that somebody still finds them attractive ) ohhhh vanity!