Powers of the Mind

[Mirage]

Okay guys since Bird was so nice to announce my story I figure I might as well put up a thread here although i am still waiting for Jamie to send me the edited copy. Once he does i will replace it so if a little formatting needs to be fixed or a run on sentance here or there please don't mind it, it will be gone soon.

 

Well this is the first story in my life I have ever let anyone read but me. It is a science fiction one. It seems all the stories in my head always are Anyhow this thread is for anything you might want to say about the story. please do not hesitate to give me imput good or bad. I always want to learn and are eager to see what you all think of it.

 

Robin

 

Powers of the Mind: https://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewsto...88a45f058ed7411

[Graeme]

I'll assume that the edited copy will fix the typos I saw.

 

Overall, it's an interesting start to the story. There are some things that could be done tighter or differently, but some of that is just personal taste.

 

It's written in a third-person omniscient mode -- which was required to give the background on Robert -- but the sections with Nancy almost appear as third-person limited. Starting with a focus on Nancy, then jumping to a distant view of Robert, and then back to a personal focus on Nancy didn't feel comfortable to me.

 

One major problem was that the start made it appear that Nancy knew Robert well, and the background on Robert reinforced that idea, but the ending made it clear that Nancy hadn't know Robert for long. Even so, his apparent telepathic message at the start didn't seem to phase her very much. This just felt... odd. Younger kids will accept things like that, but at twelve, Nancy should have had more reaction -- or the reader needs more indication that she's aware of Robert's quirks and abilities.

 

None of this is critical -- just things that you might be able to improve over time. For a first effort, you're doing very well.

 

One final comment: A common mistake when starting is to include huge amounts of background description. I did the same with my first story, so I'm preaching from experience It's hard, especially with a science-fiction story, but try to balance background with keeping the plot moving forward. My personal opinion is that you were slightly on the side of too much background, but only barely. This is more a warning for the following chapters.

 

Good job!

 

Graeme

[DarkShadow]

Okay guys since Bird was so nice to announce my story I figure I might as well put up a thread here although i am still waiting for Jamie to send me the edited copy. Once he does i will replace it so if a little formatting needs to be fixed or a run on sentance here or there please don't mind it, it will be gone soon.

 

Well this is the first story in my life I have ever let anyone read but me. It is a science fiction one. It seems all the stories in my head always are Anyhow this thread is for anything you might want to say about the story. please do not hesitate to give me imput good or bad. I always want to learn and are eager to see what you all think of it.

 

Robin

 

Powers of the Mind: https://www.gayauthors.org/eficiton/viewsto...88a45f058ed7411

 

I left a review earlier today on the story itself. It's hard for me to say much yet until I get through another chapter, but I like it. It's intriguing and I'm curious to see where you're going with it!

 

Good stuff!

[lustful_orcs]

One review deposited! For a first chapter of the first story you ever made public this looks promising. I like to see what comes next. it's too early for me to see where it all will go, but I'd like to find out! I rated your chapter a 6 because I like what I see, but I'll need more to arrive at a balanced judgement.