[AFriendlyFace] Indefensible: Chapter 1 - Hungry Souls

[AFriendlyFace]

Hi everyone!

 

I just posted Indefensible: Chapter 1 - Hungry Souls in eFiction. Please follow that link and tell me what you think!

 

Just to let you guys know that if you already read what I had posted in the Sneak Peeks forum I did make a few changes. Nothing major, the plot's still the same, but I think it reads a little bit better now.

 

Chapter 2 is already complete and edited and will likely be released Monday, October 9th. I had to split chapter 2 into two parts so the end of chapter 3 is what I originally planned to be the ending of chapter 2. I'm really pleased with the way chapter 2 turned out though (and while it is a bit shorter than the first chapter it's not THAT much shorter). HEHE, and if you guys ask nicely I may even release the title name early

 

Anyway let me know what you guys think!

 

Take care and have an awesome day!

Kevin

Edited October 1, 2006 by AFriendlyFace

[Xiao_Chun]

I loved the style of writing, very refreshing. I already love 3 of the characters: Nicky, Brad and Donny, and I want to know more about them. I think that if you want a story to be successful the readers have to care about the characters, and Kevin managed to do that in the first chapter.

What is the meaning of the story

[AFriendlyFace]

Hey Michael!

I loved the style of writing, very refreshing. I already love 3 of the characters: Nicky, Brad and Donny, and I want to know more about them. I think that if you want a story to be successful the readers have to care about the characters, and Kevin managed to do that in the first chapter.

Thanks!! I really appreciate that!

 

hehe, Nicky's my favourite too, but I have to admit after writing chapter 2 I've really gotten attached to Donny and Brad!

What is the meaning of the story

[NickolasJames8]

Ok, I love the final version Kevin....the sneak peak was great, too, and it's fun to try to figure out how the characters are all connected (especially the ones at the end). I mean, I know a lot of them are friends at school, but obviously, there's more going on here than meets the eye

[knotme]

First, off I appreciate your comment at the end,

Forum discussion is usually my preferred means of communicating, but if you feel shy or otherwise hesitant please leave a review here...

and I would encourage other eFiction writers to do the same. Second (slightly off topic), please try not to take numerical ratings (especially high ones ) seriously; a meaningful, consistent numerical scale is next to impossible. The review's comments, on the other hand, are gold. :king: Here words rule, and numbers are out of their element.

 

Back on topic, your revision is definitely improved. I made connections here I didn't make in sneak peaks. How much of that is your doing, how much is mine? Dunno. First-time readers' comments below will help answer that. My guess is, they'll be positive.

 

Echoing one of Michael's comments: you've managed to generate interest in several characters in Chapter 1. Not too shabby! As I said in sneak peaks, this soap-opera-like flow worked in Chapter 1, and I hope to see a little less of it, with fewer, longer scenes, in later chapters.

 

Thanks for the story.

 

km

 

PS: I'm curing about the chapter title "Hungry Souls". Who are the hungriest?

Edited October 2, 2006 by knotme

[DomLuka]

Lots going on in your first chapter. I like your switch between the

[DarkShadow]

More more more more more!!!!!

 

I really liked this. The characters are all so very different, and you seemed to move between scenes effortlessly. It was like watching a artful psycophrenic! You changed character and I didn't get even a single sence of bleed over from one to the other. They each had their own very distinct personalities.

 

mallow - mellow, though I'm sure someone has already pointed that out. (any other typos or stuff like that I never ever notice... I have the worst grammar and spelling some days.)

 

I just wanted to let you know how great I think this is. I really hope to read more soon. I really want to douche Brad's father with DRANO!

 

So damnit!!! Where's chapter 2!

 

I don't know why I torture myself like this, I know better than to read all of a chapter!

[AFriendlyFace]

Ok, I love the final version Kevin....the sneak peak was great, too, and it's fun to try to figure out how the characters are all connected (especially the ones at the end). I mean, I know a lot of them are friends at school, but obviously, there's more going on here than meets the eye

Thanks Nick!

 

The connections will of course grow and be explored as the story progresses. As for how Jeff/Michael are tied up with everyone else...well that's one of the "mysteries", but you can expect to know the basic connection by chapter 4 (with some added understanding by the end of 3).

 

They're also there to further illuminate some themes and ideas which are relevant to the other characters by telling their story. LOL and I'm not going to spoil my ending, but there's more

 

First, off I appreciate your comment at the end, and I would encourage other eFiction writers to do the same. Second (slightly off topic), please try not to take numerical ratings (especially high ones ) seriously; a meaningful, consistent numerical scale is next to impossible. The review's comments, on the other hand, are gold. :king: Here words rule, and numbers are out of their element.

Thanks KM! I think you're right; words are important around here!

 

Back on topic, your revision is definitely improved. I made connections here I didn't make in sneak peaks. How much of that is your doing, how much is mine? Dunno. First-time readers' comments below will help answer that. My guess is, they'll be positive.

Awesome! I certainly hope so

 

Echoing one of Michael's comments: you've managed to generate interest in several characters in Chapter 1. Not too shabby! As I said in sneak peaks, this soap-opera-like flow worked in Chapter 1, and I hope to see a little less of it, with fewer, longer scenes, in later chapters.

I'm done with 2 and almost done with 3 and they definitely don't "bounce around" as much, I just needed to lay quite a bit of groundwork with the first chapter. LOL, as for being soap-opera like in general...well I think that's a good comparison

 

 

PS: I'm curing about the chapter title "Hungry Souls". Who are the hungriest?

I'm so glad you asked that!

 

I was trying to do several things with the title.

 

First off, I don't know if you noticed, but everyone was either eating (Jeff& Michael, Nicky) or at least discussed eating (Beth asked Donny what he wanted for dinner, Brad had to make dinner and clean it up).

 

Secondly, obviously it does have a more abstract meaning:

 

With Michael and Jeff I wanted to convey that they were "hungry" for each other; they couldn't get enough of each other.

 

Donny and Beth were similar on that level, but they were also "hungry" for answers about what was bothering the people they care about (Beth was worried about Donny, Donny about Brad).

 

Nicky is "hungry" for love and affection, as well as peace and quiet. He's being tormented/bothered somewhat externally (Anorexia rumors, looking after Brad, and for better or worse (which I'm saying yet ) his mother want leave him alone). Then, on an even more signficant level,he's also being tormented/bothered internally; he's got a lot on his mind.

 

Brad is "hungry" for general safety, and it could be argued that he's also hungry for love in some ways (he definitely misses his mother and probably wants his father's approval). He's also yearning to tell someone, especially Donny, the truth about what's going on.

 

The purpose of the sex (and beating) scenes in this chapter also had a very similar objective (highlighting and contrasting the various situations all the characters are in).

 

So to very simply answer your question "Who's soul is the hungriest?": I would probably say Nicky's, but Brad's is open to debate too.

 

Anyway have an awesome day and take care you guys!

Kevin

[AFriendlyFace]

Lots going on in your first chapter. I like your switch between the

[Canon Blaze]

Very interesting beginning, the end of Chapter 1 is going to make me come back for more, (it also took me a while to figure out exactly what happened, well done).

 

I thought right from the start the story was brillant. The subtle idea of the 'perfect match' came out from the very first paragraph. Attempting to find the symmetry and where everything on the table should be positioned.

 

The character development kept me quite interested and by slowing weaving everyone together made/makes me want to continue to read more. The semi-love triangle, but more like intertangled love of friends, with Brad, Nicky and Donny is quite intruging and I want to know where it will go! I love Beth's character, her tenacity and williness to stick with Donny, which I'm sure will become tested as the story continues. I also find Brad's father and Brad's situation/dyanmic between the two scary but complex and surely will lead to much much more. The character of Brad's father is so well constructed and by making him a government official adds a lot (perhaps more so with recent events...not quite the same but parallels can be drawn).

 

I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes, and glad that you've got the next chapter coming out soon. Great Beginning!

[AFriendlyFace]

Hey Canon!

 

Thanks for the post

 

Very interesting beginning, the end of Chapter 1 is going to make me come back for more, (it also took me a while to figure out exactly what happened, well done).

 

I thought right from the start the story was brillant. The subtle idea of the 'perfect match' came out from the very first paragraph. Attempting to find the symmetry and where everything on the table should be positioned.

Thanks

The character development kept me quite interested and by slowing weaving everyone together made/makes me want to continue to read more. The semi-love triangle, but more like intertangled love of friends, with Brad, Nicky and Donny is quite intruging and I want to know where it will go! I love Beth's character, her tenacity and williness to stick with Donny, which I'm sure will become tested as the story continues. I also find Brad's father and Brad's situation/dyanmic between the two scary but complex and surely will lead to much much more. The character of Brad's father is so well constructed and by making him a government official adds a lot (perhaps more so with recent events...not quite the same but parallels can be drawn).

Thank you! All of these things will be further examined as the story continues

I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes, and glad that you've got the next chapter coming out soon. Great Beginning!

 

The next chapter will definitely be released Monday, I hope you enjoy it! Thanks again for sharing your thoughts!

 

Take care and have an awesome day!

Kevin

[Xiao_Chun]

Hi everybody.

 

I am not sure if my comment is relevant to this story or not. I noticed that I tend to invest more in characters that have some kind of talent. For example, Connor in Someday Out Of The Blue (by Little Buddha) can play the piano and sing, Ariel in

[AFriendlyFace]

Hi everybody.

 

I am not sure if my comment is relevant to this story or not. I noticed that I tend to invest more in characters that have some kind of talent. For example, Connor in Someday Out Of The Blue (by Little Buddha) can play the piano and sing, Ariel in

[Xiao_Chun]

Anyway, I hope no one's disappointed by a lack of "special" talents, I hope to make all the characters unique and complicated without them, but as I said before I won't rule out Beth being a potential piano prodigy, etc.

 

Have an awesome day everyone and take care!

Kevin

 

P.S. If you take a really loose interpretation of "special" talents Nicky sorta one.

Oh, I am certainly not disappointed Kevin. I can