MidnightSecret

- I've been giving up on people too easily. If they don't call, if they don't try - then I don't. It's not fair to lay the blame on them when I'm not calling, either. I'm just as much at fault. I've got a lot of resentment for old friends - for letting me go without a fight. ... I just want someone to call and say, "I miss you, how are you?" I just want to call someone and say "I miss you, I'm sorry." I want to be brave enough to stay in one place, but it's hard, and it only gets harder when we don't make any effort. ...

reading this (last?) blog was quite fun and endearing, and it made me realize some things--maybe I should actually set foot outside my door and take a walk on the wild side for once! thank you: I know we've never talked or anything, but I wished we did, and regardless I wish you nothing but happiness and love! Take care!

Happy Green Day! <3 I hope you guys are enjoying yourself! I'm at home studying for a midterm tho (':

awwwh I'm sorry, your such a sweet guy! I kinda know how you feel... I got invited to watch this movie with a boy, who I thought was really special to me, but I guess his friends were acting like jerks and that totally changed his mind. I could say that I didn't care, but a part of me really wished that he would show up. I went to watch it alone tho...Transformers and the movie was pretty awesome, and it was dark so no one could tell that I was alone, but whatever I enjoyed myself and that's what mattered most to me!

[Not a poem, this is like a personal diary entry based off a recent event in my life. Give it a read and tell me what ya think. (: ] I was shopping with my mom when I encountered him. We were in an upscale boutique, admiring the elegant, but not particularly eye-catching clothes. A boy wearing a pair of skinnies and some brand named sweater came in. I had seen him earlier, on a street corner, shouting lewd comments at some respectable-looking man. He edges up to us, looking around frantically, and convulsively moving. I have always thought that crack addicts would twitch, but he didn't. His sinewy movement might have been eerily beautiful in a ballet. I looked closer... and to my surprise, we did in fact went to the same middle school together. He didn't even remember me, sure it has been 4 years--but I could never forget him. I loved him. I stared at him, his torso rolled and rocked, forwards and back, side to side, his arms flailing strangely, like waves. His legs seems to be engaged in a disconnected, neverending two-step with nobody. Before, I would've wished for an eternal duet with him. "Can I have two dollars for McDonalds?" This question was directed at my mother, who fumbled in her wallet for a toonie. He pressed forward towards me. I felt my face freezze in an awkward smile, every muscle tense. My unease caused me to involuntarily stumble backwards. A toonie appeared and was transferred. I hope beyond anything he would leave. I felt awful for thinking it. But he didn't go. A sudden rush of forgotten memories consumed my mind. He was such a nice boy, and his kindness had at one point touched my heart. This was the boy I thought I was going to marry, the boy that I thought would help me explore and discover the vast terrain of my heart. Yes I may have been naive back then, but I would've ran away with him if he asked me too. This is who I was, and I tried so hard not to remember, but there are some things that just cannot be forgotten. My train of thought was interuppted by his voice, pulling me back into reality. "This would look good on you." He pressed a white, buttoned cardigan into me. I was speechless, but I took his suggestion and mumbled thanks under my breath. I couldn't understand why I was blushing. He smiled--but the shop girl cut him off. 'I think you should leave." The slight waver in her voice gave away her slight discomfort. "Why do we need to go?" His voice sounded creaky and old, even though he was around my age. "We" is my mother, me and him. "Are you together?" My mother shakes her head almost imperceptibly at the girl. We continue to peruse the shelves, constantly moving away from the crack addict. I try to ignore the dialogue between the girl and the addict, but it trickled deep into my thoughts despite my best efforts. I tried, I really did. I still remember, when he had told me that his life was falling apart and I guess I should've suspected the abuse. That's when he started to become addicted, it was his only escape. I was afraid to speak out, and I couldn't bare too see his beautiful, fragile body to be so broken. I was on a mission to somehow recover his broken heart, to show him love. But I...I...I--I wasn't strong enough and I had my heart broken in the process. The shop girl is threatening to call security, the addict is taking offense at her attitude. The shop girl does call security. This addict is speaking now. I open my ears to listen. "I may be a crack addict, but I'm still a person. I used to drive to school through this place. It took me an hour. I never thought I'd end up here, I'll tell you that." We finish our browsing, and leave the store. I was worried about the crack addict, but we decided to walk away. A moment later, we see security guards in front of the store. The shop girl is crying. Why? The addict is walking down the street, with confidence in every step. He's there still, I imagine. He will be there next week, next year. He will be there until he dies, sad, and alone, lost in his mind that is so different from mind. His mind is a roadmap of dead-ends and roads that lead to nowhere. Maybe, just maybe it's not too late. But the idealistic man of yesterday is gone. He is here now. As we drove off to our next destination, I felt something constantly quivering inside, making me feel sick to my stomach. In an uncontrollable rage, the hot tears trickled down like an angry rain storm. I was gasping for life, hoping that the pain would go away. My mother asked what was wrong, but I was speechless because I knew deep down that a part of me never really moved on. I wanted to help him, I shelfishly wanted him to be addicted to my love, a drug more fatal that we could have used together to explore the boundaries of our friendship at that time. Is it too late? I don't know, and I guess I'll never know for sure. All I know is that this is human nature, and I will never understand it. ... End Thanks for reading. (:

awwwwwwh <3 I can't say much since I can only imagine how that feels like (: Because... Well most of my bffs and friends are like... well 95% girls. LOL with the exception of a couple boys, but definately no attraction there! With love, you never really know what the outcome will turn out, you gotta explore and discover--that's what makes it so beautiful.

I didn't come out of the closet... I fell out of the closet on my face. It wasn't easy, it took me a very long time to love and to accept myself. I couldn't deal with the lying, I was only hurting myself. I knew that right at the moment when I screamed out loud, "I'm gay." Everything about my world would change, and regardless of the consequences, I could finally see myself. And now I'm not ashamed of who I am anymore, "cause baby I was born this way." So when people ask, I don't scream it, I--well I guess I "sing" it with a happy note. Everyone is different, but we all need time and alittle bit of love to make a decision as big as this. (:

LOL. omg kay so a friend of mine asked me out this one time and I said: "It wouldn't be fair to the other beautiful people." FAIL but hella funny when I look back (: <3

So far it sounds very surreal, very creative, as if there are no boundaries (: I'm so looking forward to reading this! Good luck! <3

OMGAWD, your my hero. (:

Welcome! You're going to love it here ! ^^

TIGERS, so cute until I saw the poopie Don't even need to smell it, just the sight of it is enough to keep me away... LOL. (:

Melange Lavonne is one of my favorite lesbian artists. <3 If you need some inspiration, then give these music videos a watch. <3 Things definately do get better, but only if you want it too (: and yes, I cried (surprise surprise)! X'D "You got to be strong, your not alone in this fight, take a stand for equality and fight for your rights." I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening, remember to always stay sweet and lovely as always, xoxo, Tony

My personal Mr.Perfect who will attend to all my needs and wants <3 (:

OH so that's how you do it, lmao and I've been here awhile... FAIL and before I forget... Welcome for the 100th time bekki <3 (:

not so fast, first things first. He needs to take me out on a romantic get away and somehow seduce MOI LOL yeah yeah I know, keep dreaming <3 (:

this global catastrophe is such a terrible disaster, a terrible tragedy. I hope that Japan will receive a bowl of warmth, a soft face, and a new day. - I'm so happy that I have received word from my friend that she is okay. <3

I used to be in love with a crack addict. He used to be such a nice, young boy when I met him in middle school. But he had some family issues, and I guess he lost his way. I thought I could heal his broken heart, but mine got broken instead. Then we went out seperate ways. and when I saw him yesterday, for the frist time in years... all these "forgotten" memories suddenly rushed back and I could feel a pang in my heart... Cause I could still see that same boy I loved back in middle school. The worst part was that he remembered me, but I... I turned and I walked away. It hurt. AHH sorry, kinda ranting, all this drug talk is getting me emotionally and awesome blog entry too (:

I'm not sure that there will ever be a right answer, all I know is that I've heard enough about war and wish never to see another. and I will be sure to give this film a watch!

I'm still waiting for my first kiss--What the Firetruck?! All this uber romantic kissing stuff is making me uber jealous!! I'm hoping I get mine in the rain, or on a rollercoaster, or on a pile of coats, or upsidedown, or EVEN in the middle of a crowded street! <3 The list goes on and on, but bottome line is I'm still waiting, tehe. D;

I think it depends on the circumstances like everyone else here has mentioned. I remembered when I had my encounter with some bullies (keep in mind that there were BOTH genders) back in elementary, they definately were not shy to slap me around, but a hero came and all he did was defend me til the teachers arrived, he never laid a hand on the bullies... He could've, but he didn't--as if he was better than that. (: and to me, that was such a big statement, quite inspiring actually.

from the bottom of my heart, thank-you, you lovely people (:

- A Confession - I was reading a blog post earlier, and I never knew how powerful photographs could be, a snapshot of the heart. I secreatly wish that when I do meet my prince charming, he'll somehow capture my beauty by taking lots of photographs of me. Now I know that this may be a ridiculous wish because in reality, I tend to hate most photos of me-and especially as I feel insecure about my body and my facial expressions that believing that I could be photographed beautifully/interestingly is almost unreal. I would drive all my friends crazy with my pleas to get rid of the photos that make me cringe. There has been times, though, when I have wished for a portrait or two that would be the most beautiful boy of myself that I want the world to see, or maybe a snapshot of the person I see myself when I'm with the people I love... I have delusions of myself looking plain and lovely all at once, revealed to the world only by someone who loves me. This is nothing more than a fantasy and I know that. I guess you could say that vanity is a part of it. But a larger part of it is wanting some tangible memento of some epic love affair I intend to have with my life on earth. It took me a long time to love and accept myself, to have the courage to stand up and say "this is who I am." If you have a lover, you may already be convinced that your love for him is extraordinary and grand. Of course, I understand that all lovers feel this way about themselves and that's what makes it so wonderful. But if you ever do start to doubt the existence of your lover altogether, then would you not want some sort of a tangible object to remind yourself why you loved him from the start? Or something you and your lover have created together that will be around long after both of you are gone? I feel so unfulfilled, and although I may not have a lover yet, I need to see myself, to embrace myself. Something to remind me of who I am in times of doubt. And then I look at a photograph like this, and I am stunned and full of so much wonder. I have not even one photograph like this of myself, taken by a lover and companion. So that is my secret confession--that one day, out of all the days of my life, I would love to be caught on camera in such a way that would tell the photographic story of how well I was beloved and how much I loved myself.

LOL, this made me laugh and I was having an off day xD so thank you (: !

don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened (: