Westie

OK.... this is the easiest blog i've ever had to write. My wonderful boyfriend wrote an entry yesterday - and for all you perv's out there... im not gonna give any extra details. Friday was the first day of the rest of my life... When I saw paya through coming out of the airport terminal, i was terrified. We were both nervous - and made stupid small talk to try and calm down... it didn't work. The first time I felt truly at ease was when i decided to grasp the nettle and to hell with consequence. I held Paya's hand for the first time in public at the train station. And I felt the calming effect spread from our entwined fingers, right to my heart. We have had romance.... Dinner, private dancing.... we have been to the gay village and perved on half naked dancers in the street - and then gone back to the hotel room, because for both of us, the dancers were not a patch on the person we have. I cried like a pussy this morning. The thought of him leaving was just to sad. But it is the thought of us being together in the future that keeps me going. To everyone else im gonna say one thing only about sex.... and that is that sex is only half the story. if you have someone who will hold you and adore you, then that is a million times better. West

Of the four options, (A) is the lesser of the three evils. Its the one that repulses me least. Though throw a time machine into the equation, take me back to the 80's, when she first sang "like a virgin", hmmmmmm I guess "c" is pretty appealing. The madona we see today? well she looks so manly, I would suggest that wanting to f**k her implies more of a passing interest in men ...

Well, i disagree that apple are heading for failure.... in fact it forms a good slice of my own investment portfolio and has provided good returns over the last few years. devices that run on iOS (iPad, Iphone, Ipod touch) seem to have captured a lot of imaginations..... which has lead to a significant grab of market share. This leads to developers creating content in number unheard of on any other device. And despite reports of developers deserting apple for other platforms - the volume of apps being submitted to apple each week do not bear this out in fact. Apple employ very strict standards.... and as a developer myself, i find these constraints incredibly annoying. However, when i produce custom software for my employer or clients.... I have fairly strict standards too. your example of why you don't see chrome or firefox on the iphone does not bear scrutiny. the fact is these apps WOULD be allowed if they could follow the guidelines set out by apple, and use apple APIs. Want proof? search for "opera" in the app store. They found a way to run their app without running native code, and so the opera browser is available for the iPhone. I do not subscribe to the view that open source is better. I think open source dilutes quality. my justification my view is as follows: what open source software, in the last 30 years, has overtaken a closed source rival?

sorry.... you seem to be saying "runs on android" like its a good thing.....

oh yeah!!!!

But Camilo.... I knew how modest, and unassuming you are. I knew you would be too embarrassed for a full on name-check

I have a few lying around the office.... they're a really cool piece of kit. While they were fun and exciting... I don't think i'm gonna find a viable business use for them. Though I can understand why you might want one for personal reasons.

I started this blog, thinking that I was embarking on a journey... learning to accept myself, learning to love myself, and learning who I am. I genuinely didn't think that I would move forward so quickly. I didn't expect things to change as quick as a switch flicking in my head. But they did. Because I was struck by a thunderbolt. Don't worry - I'm not gonna make you all sick by writing a sycophantic tribute to my guy and how wonderful he is. I think most of you who read this will already know that I found someone right here at GA. And that relationship, however it moves forward, has taught me some fundamental things about myself.I am a fundamentally cautious person - everything I do is calm and considered. However, he makes me spontaneous, and thats probably a good thing. I've fallen head over heels, and that's kinda scary, but wonderful at the same time. I know its early to talk about love.... but thats where I am, and I think thats where he is too. So the question is, where to now? I mean, once I said the words, "I am Gay" - it seemed so easy just to accept it. It was just so natural a skin to fit into... "I am Gay" - no longer an issue to say the words to myself.... it is only a matter of time before i can say it to other people too. And I know the risks.... I say "gay", other people say "Faggot", "Cocksucker".... well guess what? I'm comfortable with those too. "Faggot"? Yep thats me. "Cocksucker"? Well actually I am quite minded to indulge, so yes, thats me too Throw me an insult? i will wear it like a badge of pride. Sure... those words hurt more when they are said with venom and hatred.... Im sure they will hurt more when they come from my family. But I'm prepared for that. I'm getting stronger.... I have made a good many friends here at GA, who are extremely supportive. Some have given me new perspective. There's Cia, who is incredibly sweet, generous and kind. Joey is wonderful... leaving little messages that never fail to make me smile.... Tarin is a shameless flirt, which makes us kindred spirits. Blue Phoenix is incredibly easy to talk to... I found I genuinely missed him when I was away this week. There are others too (too many to mention probably). Obviously, there is Paya And there are stories too.... I've never spoken to Dom Luka.... but his stories are incredibly inspirational to me.... I've spoken of my love for the CAP series by Mark Arbour before, and then of course I get escapism with some of the fantasy genre.... So what i'm trying to say in this long rambling post is... well... This site has really helped me in the last few months... and it's not something I find easy to say, but... Thank you ALL OF YOU

I have no particular prejudice regards skin colour. I am pretty laid back when it comes to race, colour and creed. In fact, as long as you accept the innate superiority of Great Britain, Im more or less accepting of anyting Seriosuly though, we have come a long way in 40 years. Who knows? maybe in another 40 years, being gay will be as irrelevent as your geneology.

Thanks guys. Im always astounded at the level of support and kindness i receive on this site. I really love the fact that i can come here and find acceptance and support. I get my ego massaged (Mark Arbour thinks I'm adorable ). I get exceptional advice (Blue, thats you), I get affirmation (thanks Cia). Just when I take myself too seriously, someone is there to mock me just a little bit (Yang)... and then there is the unconditional love and kindness (Paya ) Sometimes... I just don't have the words... You guys are great

It's all because of you, me thinks

Yeah.... well i figured i was already going to hell anyway... you know... for other stuff.... So might as well make it worth my while

Soooo... Im a fool. An idiot. and its been that way for 10 years. 10 years since i first slept with a man. But in a world obsessed by labels, and in a world where homosexuality was a sin, i convinced myself that I was bisexual. And it made things easier. Becuase to me, I was at least half "normal" - and it meant that i could live my life in a relatively conventional way. Don't get me wrong - women are beautiful. I like to look, stare, devour their beauty with my eyes. But in fairness, you show me a ripped guy or an incredibly beautiful woman, and you better believe im looking at the guy. So i've had relationships with women - and i should have known then. Sex should be the most natural part of a relationship - instead I had to work for it. So last night, I made my confession to myself. And then again to Paya. And now i'm making it to you... .... Guys... I think I'm Gay West

They say that you shouldn't meet your idols - it only leads to disappointment... Well I can tell you from my own experience that it is true. You follow someone from afar, and you idealise them in your own head... put them on a pedestal, and create an image in your mind of what you expect them to be. But then you forget that the image that YOU project onto them is YOUR invention. I had a hero. And the image i created of him was of a "defender of the wronged" - I decided in my mind that he was the advocate of free speech, supporting everyone's right to have an opinion. I thought that he respected others for their diversity. I had made him up in my mind to be the sort of man who valued intellectual debate. How wrong I was.... Becuase now i know him better... and I find that he is arrogent. He is the advocate of free speech - as long as it is his own. He does not mind the minority opinion - when he is in the minority. And while I do not mind an odd tirade against, for example, someone advocating the restriction of someone's free choice, I would prefer to see it done as an intellectual rejoinder. Instead of this... my idol lowers himself, and instead of embracing reasoned and structured argument, goes for the low blow of insults and ridicule. One of the very first posts I made here at GA was a tirade against an article written by Ray Comfort... one of the themes of that post was that Ray was using ridicule and scorn to score cheap points. I never thought i would see one of our own liberalists stoop to the same level. I had thought we were better than that... West

so sad baby.... just shows how far away acceptance is

fabulous darling

hmmmm... looks like we fooled no-one

well babe.... looks like we're well and truely out now love you too

Today, my guy is telling his family about "us". He's text me a few times and it sounds as if they are happy for him - all good news for me. It makes me wish so much that i had someone i could tell. The fact is that I want to cry from the rooftops that i'm in love with my beautiful man, but my situation makes that difficult for the moment. Of course, I have this blog as an outlet - you guys always listen to me, provide feedback and advice. But its not the same. I use the blog as a sort of therapy to work thorugh my issues. Of course, my man always reads what i write too and so when i express myself here - he says it helps him understand me better. I guess we are all at differing stages in our "gay" development.... for instance, while the first time i was intimate with a man was over 10 years ago.... there are plenty of 18 year olds who are further on than I am. I guess that after 10 years... im still not comfortable in my skin - but now I have my guy... I'm getting there... West

So my guy and I are planning our first weekend away.... naturally, i want it to be perfect. The perfect room, with a perfect bed, a perfect bottle of champagne - you know the score. im so excited.... its just over a month to go (36 dyas and counting) but im so worked up already.... im looking forward to the little things... Holding hands as we walk.... waking up in his arms.... watching TV as we doze off to sleep. of course, im looking forward to other activities too, but just *being* with him, and us being a real couple without worrying who might see... that is the most important thing for me. so... transport is booked... the hotel is reserved... the champagne is on order.... I can feel the magic already...

so, you and Mr. Wonderful had a fight? From hurt grows a deeper love i think... when couples fight and are wounded, they then take special care to tend that wound... and from it comes greater understanding, and a greater bond... as a romantic at heart.... i really believe that love conquers all.

I'm finding increasingly that the "positive outlook" I've had recently is spreading and building a momentum of its own. You know there has been a major problem in your life, when people look shocked, just because you're smiling. And its true that a smile on my face has been a rare thing. For so long... everything has been very serious and driven. Its nice to let the sunshine in. It's obvious that the sunlight is coming from the direction of my new man (and yes, in case you were wondering - i AM gonna bore you to death about my new guy, every post i can). Everything has changed for the better. Last night - or rather early this morning, i did something i have never done with anyone before. I opened up. I am an incredibly private person. even here at GA, i take steps to ensure my online world and the real world remain separate. But last night... i shared so much with my guy... only he knows both sides to me - and that is so liberating. As the emotional connection grows stronger, things are happening that i've never felt before. For a start... just hearing a song that reminds me of him... can instantly get me aroused *blush* (and apologies... too much detail). And then there's this... its early days... but for the very first time... i'm considering coming out. I don't want to hide my love with this guy... i want to shout it from the rooftops. I'm rehearsing ways of telling my mother (in fact, i considered just blurting it out when we had coffee this morning - "oh, by the way, you know I'm gay, don't you?"). The fact is, that coming out will create a massive number of impossible situations... but right now... with my guy by my side... i just don't care. West

So i have things to be thankful for. Lots of things in fact. My somewhat self indulgent post yesterday enumerated my insecurities, but really, i know that the theme of that post should have been much more positive. I have my man... and that is wonderful. I am finding myself more... and coming to terms with who i am. Maybe I am "gay-er" than i thought i was - because i have never felt this way with a woman... Love has given me a perspective i think on a few things... (1) I need to work to live, not live to work... (2) No man is an island (3) My health is my Wealth (4) Having a relationship means having faith in someone other than yourself (5) Trust is more important than anything (6) Beauty is inside, not out (7) There are miracles in silence (8) Music is the food of love... and can be hot as hell too (9) Money buys things, but will not hold you close at night (10) it doesn't matter what people thinks of me... it only matter what ONE person thinks of me I could get used to this

I agree that im actually pretty lucky.... my guy is very special. More special than he himself realises I suspect... which is one of the reasons i like him so much. Phoenix is right - i need time to adjust to a new situation. We need time to get to know each other properly. I'm going to enjoy the ride for now.... today is a day for living and if i spend too much time on what the future might hold, i'm going to miss out on the magic. Thank you all for your words and support - i draw strength from that.

Well yes.. that may be one issue... He's such a nice boy, whereas I form part of the axis of evil We all have our crosses to bear