viv

2006 Winter Anthology -- needs Tags!

It hits me at the strangest times, Like a punch in the gut or a paper cut. Sometimes it’s swift, makes me feel like I don’t know how to breathe, Other times it stings, little flashes of the past. A minute or a lifetime, but it’s one thing I can count on… Now that you’re gone. Days pass until they add up to forever, And no matter what I try, I miss you more than ever. ‘Cause you’re a part of me, of who I am, And living this life without you Is harder than I can stand Even if most days I act like I don’t give a damn. Heart on my sleeve, feels out of place, But it weighs less when it’s not in my chest. Everyone can see the truth when it’s written all over my face. I’m like a magician with the way I make you think I’m alright without you here, but that’s something I can count on… Now that you’re gone. Nights go by with stars to wish on, Shades of gray, sketches of things we’re missing being drawn. Dreams are the only place to see you, and In the morning when dreams are gone And I’m here alone again, I grab my memories and my heart and try to stand.

All I Wanted Okay so I can admit it, I’m a freak. It’s official, and I say that only because it’s true. Sitting here, waiting for the doorbell to ring again, or to hear some low knock on our heavy wooden door from some costumed children, accompanied by some less than enthusiastic adults who are constantly reminding their kids to say thank you, I had managed to separate all the candy bars in the bowl I held in my lap, by flavor. I mean what kind of head case does that? Me, that’s wh

2006 Fall Anthology

Just Say It God damn it! God dammed suitcase stuck in the god dammed overhead compartment! My freaking elbow is killing me because some idiot wasn’t watching where they were going and bashed into it with their suitcase, you know, the one they managed to get out of the overhead compartment with no trouble at all, and… Damn it, calm down. Just… calm down… Take a deep breath Christian, seriously. Alex is out there waiting for you, to meet you, face to face for the first time, and I’

2006 Summer Anthology

Lucas Ridgemont. I had watched him try out more looks, more styles, trying to figure out a way to fit in over the last four years, that I was seriously beginning to wonder what happened to the Lucas I knew back before I stopped being his friend and started being… scared. Normally I would have gone with selfish there, but the reality of it is, that from that moment in the seventh grade when I realized that I had been caught, I was scared, and in the four years since that afternoon i

2006 Anthology

While shopping for the things we needed for our Thanksgiving dinner, I asked the kids if they would prefer Cool Whip in the tub or Reddi Whip in the can for their pie, and after a few seconds of careful consideration, they both say, "spray can," and while I'm just glad they are finally agreeing on something, my daughter says, "that way, I can spray it in my mouth". I replied, "While I appreciate your honesty, I don't think that's going to happen." Instead, what did happen was I ended up wrestling her for the can and she laid on it and then the lid came off and it was spraying on her and the carpet... Awesome. I'd been cooking since 9 am, making a 24 pound turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, biscuits, candied sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, pumpkin pie, apple crisp, cranberry sauce, etc., when Tony walks in around noon and asks, "Are you making deviled eggs?" I answer, "I wasn't... but I guess I can," and then when they're finished, I spend fifteen minutes diverting Rich's attention from them before he recruited back-up and ran interference while Tony went in for the score. We went to see Harry Potter and I sort of understood it, but since I've never read the books and only seen the first two movies, it was marginally confusing. Now I feel I must try and watch the ones in between that I haven't seen, and I would add them to my Netflix, but there's no guarantee I would get them in the right order. Also, that snake had me jumping into Rich's lap and all of them laughing at me. Also, that Dobby character seems like he could be the cousin of Smeagol or Grendel. Anyone? I might have had a piece of pumpkin spice cake and a tamale for breakfast at work on Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Just saying. Then again, Rich may have eaten half a pumpkin pie today, so I think I'm okay. This is the first time in at least fifteen years that I haven't had to work retail during the holidays and I really don't even know what to do with myself, but ANYTHING else is fine with me. RIch asked me today, while I was in my jammies on the couch reading my book if I was sure I didn't want to go brave the malls with all those people. I'm pretty sure I gave him the 'there is no chance in hell' look. You know the one... The turkeys were Buy One, Get One Free at the store, so Rich intends to brine and then rotisserie the other, smaller one on his BBQ. Hmmmm.

Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives. - Frederick F. Flack That time for me is now. It feels like I have spent a lifetime, at least all of mine thus far, waiting for someone or something to come along and recognize me for the person I am and the things I have to offer the world. Recently though, I've realized that I will wait my whole life, until I have exhausted every breath and every sunrise, and in doing so, I'll have been the most loyal and devoted to some unknown expectation or faith, more than I have ever been to myself. There's a malfunction there, a breakdown, for if I cannot count myself among the best I know, then I haven't lived up to my potential. Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. - Barack Obama I have a lot of new things going on in my life, and I couldn't be happier. I'm working on a special project. It's a temporary assignment, and because of that, I'm on a leave of absence from my daily job. It's a tough assignment, but I'm proud to be part of the team making history. It puts a lot of things into a very clear perspective for me. It makes me grateful for what I do have, but more, it makes me hungry for what I want. Things I know I can have if I take some chances instead of sitting around and hoping that my dreams will come true if I just wait around long enough. I've always been pretty rational when it comes to concepts like money buying happiness, and that some things, like the love and respect you have earned from good people and the friendship and support you have offered in tandem, are worth more than any dollar can be, but I've always operated under a belief that things happen as they should, and so if I just wait long enough, my life will turn out as it should have. Now I just think that's naive and crazy. I'm always encouraging other people to go after their dreams. That if they are unhappy, to change things. That if they are talented or good at something they're passionate about, that they should share that with the world. That we each create our own happiness and therefore are responsible for our unhappiness. Somewhere in there, I forgot to tell myself the same thing. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. - Maya Angelou A while back I said that I applied for a mentorship program. After submitting a written entry, participating in a phone interview, answering a written questionnaire, and having an in-person meeting, I've been selected. ::applause:: I know, I know... The reason there is such a mentor program is because of this man, Ryan Blair. If you are over the age of twenty, you should absolutely watch this video. I can't tell you how many ways I related to the things he says, but I'm really very thankful that I have this chance to work with him and learn from him. So, I have these mentors now, Troy and Rich, who are both successful, smart, motivated, friendly, genuine human beings who have taken me under their wings and are helping me to be a healthier, happier, more informed, and hopefully wealthier person. Outside of the fact that it's always good to know people who have done the things you're looking to do, and been very successful at them, I think it's amazing that there are still people out there that could be spending their time and money doing literally anything they want, and they're choosing to spend it helping other people achieve their own success and realize their own dreams. These are my kind of people... The premise of the mentor program, and one of the reasons I'm so excited, is that I really have nothing to lose. I already have a crappy, unfulfilling, and completely unrewarding job that my family can just barely survive on. I have about 90ish pounds I could do without, and a family medical history that is chasing me down. I also have a whole life ahead of me still, and I have dreams of helping people, helping them achieve their own dreams, and I couldn't be more excited to have grabbed onto this opportunity with both hands. Most importantly, I'm finally DOING something about fulfilling my own. Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof. - John Kenneth Galbraith As part of the mentor program, I've started my own business and if you want more information about it, I'd love to talk to you about it. http://www.vivianbarlund.bodybyvi.com/ Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world. - Howard Zinn I'm changing mine. Team Lifestyle!

I got the new Taking Back Sunday album, Live Form Orensanz, a few days ago, and I've got to tell you, it's so beyond amazing. The strings, the depth of the music, the emotion, it moves me and it is because of this that I've given it control of my iPod and that I'm telling you about it. Just look! My Blue Heaven Also, I'm not gonna lie... It was pretty awesome to come home from work yesterday and be able to say to my daughter and her friend, "Ask me who started following me on Twitter today?" and for them to reply in stereo, as only a couple of fourteen year old girls can, "Who started following you on Twitter today?" "TAKING BACK SUNDAY!" and then my daughter says, "Oh my God, I LOVE Taking Back Sunday!" and to know that I taught her that. Also, I applied for a spot on a reality show... Crazy, I know. I had to write something to apply, and I'm waiting to find out if I'll get a real interview, but this is what I wrote... Some might say that I was dealt a bad hand in life, and some days it certainly feels that way, but I know that there are people who are worse off than I will ever be. When I was a kid, I used to think that if you just played the game, followed the pack, that you

I won't claim to be the first female to write gay romantic fiction, but I was the first female to be hosted here years back. I'm straight, and I don't feel as though I'm transgendered or that I can't identify with the female body, although I will admit that I have a serious case of penis envy every now and again, mostly because without one, there are just somethings I can never know. I like men, so of course, two is better than one, and assuming a person isn't held back by other (ridiculous) factors that would make gay male sexual relationships anything other than beautiful, then there should be no reason a straight woman wouldn't enjoy a story involving two men. I think for me, it's always been about ego. When women are egotistical, they're called bitchy or stuck-up. When men are egotistical, it's expected, so much so, that men allow their egos to get in the way of things they want or would like to try, perhaps like taking a ballet class. Society has made it so that if you're an 'Alpha Male' you have a responsibility to uphold the 'example of manliness', and if you're not the 'Alpha Male', you're striving to be just like one. There are a few men, here and there, that just don't care. They don't care what society expects from them, they don't care what label they're given, they just follow their hearts, and I'm more in love with the idea of that than almost anything else. I think that there's just something amazing that can happen when egos are pushed aside in favor of emotions and that's the thing I love to explore. When you allow emotions to guide you, that brings with it all the accompaniments that make any story or relationship something all people can relate to: excitement, joy, love, fear, sadness, faith, trust, and those things have no gender or sexual orientation. I will say that I know there's a place for everything in this world, even corny, bad porn, but for me, it's the relationship that I want to see. How they interact with each other, how they support each other, and how open they are willing to be to find their happiness. As adults, we all know that adult loving relationships involve sex, and even some relationships that don't involve love involve sex, but I think it's just a part of the characters' story. It's not the point of the story. Additionally, until recently, there hasn't been much of a support system for young gay people. How many of you were 12 or 13 and while all your friends were talking about their new fascination with the opposite sex, you were wondering what the big deal was? And then around 14 or 15, when they were all getting their first boyfriend or girlfriend, their first date, holding hands for the first time, their first kiss, you were realizing that you wanted that too, but with someone of the same sex. And then comes all the fallout from that realization, the collateral damage. What does that make me? How will I live with this? Can I tell my parents? My friends? What does this really mean for my future long term? I think, sometimes, knowing that you're not alone and that other people have walked down this road before, lived to tell about it, and arrived with a smile on their face and love in their heart can mean more than almost anything to someone who feels scared and alone. It's for these reasons that I choose to write coming of age type stories, and because love doesn't discriminate that I can write about two gay men who set aside their egos in exchange for a chance at something more.

I've met several people from GA, introduced them to my husband, my kids, my sisters and brothers. I've invited them into my home, they've eaten at my table, slept on my couch or, when I had one, my guest room. I've vacationed with them, waited in amusement park lines, sat through movies, met their families, and washed their underwear. I couldn't really hide who I am or what I'm thinking or feeling because it shows all over my face, so if we're together, you're going to know it. In the same respect, what I say here is an honest representation of my thoughts and feelings, mostly because that's what I expect from everyone else. I suppose I've been lucky, and the people I choose to be the most personal with are the honest ones, and that's something I appreciate and respect so much. If I'm honest, there are things I would like to hide sometimes, but it's pointless to do so because eventually I'm going to meet these people and lying is ridiculous. If I really dislike something about myself, it would be smarter to use the energy on changing it, than figuring out how to lie and keep up that lie.

Believe it or not, there is a whole debate going on over on my 14 year old daughter's facebook about whether it's right or wrong. I've had to explain things like separation of church and state, civil rights, tolerance, etc., but to me... gay marriage being legal means that finally ALL people (in our country) will have the SAME rights regarding marriage, as it should be. It also means, that all the people who feed their souls by preaching hate and acting as a bigot will either double their efforts, or redirect them toward some other minority, sadly. I really hope that people can stop exploiting innocent children, stop using religion or their definition of marriage, and just stop and THINK. I know that's anew idea, but amazing things can happen when you do that. Preaching to the choir here, I know.

To Save A Life http://bit.ly/nBWB0 Every person, and especially every teenager, should watch this. This is such a big issue and I think that it's so important for people to slow down, take a look around, open their eyes, and then reach out. It takes courage to do the right thing, even when it's not easy, or it's awkward, or there will be consequences, or you're afraid, or you're worried you'll be judged. If you haven't seen this, it's available to rent now. If you have seen it, I'd love to hear what you think.

I think your friend is going about things the wrong way. If he's going to have videos of himself doing that on the internet, he may as well get them professionally filmed, with great lighting, and get paid for it... Amateur. The job market is ROUGH right now. Companies have their choice of hundreds of applicants and they can pick who they want and then underpay them extremely. It's awful and frustrating. If you're getting interviews and have the chance to get face to face with a potential employer, I suggest you take the chance and tell them that you WANT to work, that you being overqualified just means that you are an asset to their company and that if there is room to grow with them, that they won't need to worry that you'll leave. Sorry about your parents... they're probably just speaking out of fear and expectation. Do what's right for you and if that's not the military, for goodness sake, don't enlist! A headache for 2 weeks straight isn't normal. Are you sick? Need glasses? Do you have a tumor? (That's funnier if you say it in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice.) Feel better, okay? Hugs! Viv PS. Glad to see you back and writing!

Day 6

To My Dreams: I

To My Sibling: As pissed as I am that recently you

It's not really a quiz. It's just something that analyzes their word usage and then yours, based on the text you provide, which is why everyone keeps getting varied answers. I might use different words and expressions when a story is set in the country, for example, than when it's invlving Navy Seals undercover. I just thought it was interesting and fun to see.

I did also, but then I put one of my blogs in because I feel like that's my actual voice as opposed to whatever voice I'm trying to create, and it came up with Stephen King again so I went with that.

Analyze your writing I write like Stephen King... Who do you write like?

My favorites are Panic at the Disco, Fall Out Boy, Taking Back Sunday, The Academy Is...,All Time Low, Boys Like Girls, Third Eye Blind, Stone Temple Pilots, Matchbox 20, Social Distortion, Stereo Skyline, The Brobecks, Cartel, Death Cab for Cutie, Incubus, Parachute, My Chemical Romance, Patrick Stump, and Ian Crawford. Almost all these bands have been around for a while and a lot of them have new records coming out soon. Yes, I am aware I'm a groupie for a boy with a guitar. This is my plight.

To My Parents: I miss you. I don

To My Crush: I think a crush is what happens when you