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AFriendlyFace

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  1. AFriendlyFace

    I've Spotted It!

    By AFriendlyFace,

    What have I spotted you may ask? Simple, my kitchen counter, and I'm not at all happy about it. :wacko: It looks awful.
     
    A year or so ago my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzhiemer's, and since then my grandfather has taken to looking for food, drinks, and other natural remedies which may help her (she is taking her meds too , though often goes through periods where she refuses to). Anyway one of the things he found out was that turmeric may help. Turmeric is the ingrediant which makes mustard yellow, and also makes the curries common in Indian food, yellow. Incidentally India supposedly has the highest turmeric consumption, and the lowest Alzhiemer's incidence rate. So anyway turmeric can be purchased in the spice/herb section of most stores, and is, you guessed it a YELLOW powder. Well I decided that it couldn't hurt to get myself some, since it clearly wasn't going to do any harm, and may help me in the long run. I mean I'm already very forgetful and scattered I need all the early intervention I can get. So anyway I took to occasionally sprinkling it on my food (when I didn't mind turning whatever I was eating yellow). Well a few evenings ago I was in a hurry and didn't bother turning on the light when I went into the kitchen, I just grabbed the stuff and shook a little over my food. Well it seems I SHOULD have turned on the light because apparently I got it all over the counter too. and it WILL NOT come off, it seems the countertop has absorbed it or something. I've already tried conventional cleaners, as well as a whitening toothpaste paste (gee that sounds redundant) which someone suggested would help. LOL no luck. If anyone has any tips I'm all ears.
     
    So I also had the day off to work on my papers and stuff today. Well I slept in, I figured I might as well be well rested for this undertaking. Then I actually did successfully knock out the one that's due Monday, unfortunately I made very little to no progress on the one due early Tuesday morning. And I do have work all day Sunday and Monday, and of course it's due so early on Tuesday I really do need to at least make a good start tonight. Plus I have to study for the final which will occur at the same time the paper is due. Grrr, it sucks. At least after Tuesday I'll only have two left, and while they're actually in the two classes I have the lowest grade in, it'll be simple straight forward studying. Anyway I can't find any resources for this stupid paper. It's on "gender differences in ADD/ADHD" I actually picked this topic myself thinking it would be interesting. Also thinking it might give me some insight into why my own mind/body seem hyperactive at times. But unfortunately I seem to have branched off from traditional psychology and sociology with this one, and none of the tips my prof. gave us for finding articles is working. Mostly because I think I'm searching in sociology stuff when I need to be searching in medical stuff. Anyway I've decided that my best course of action is to go to the Library, approach the first friendly, knowledgeable looking librarian I see, and give them my best "I'm so confused and really need help look", and hope that they can walk me through this. Anyway wish me luck (it's already past midnight, but I'm sure the library is open 24 hours for finals week, and at least I did get PLENTY of sleep today)
     
    Take care everyone!
    Kevin
  2. AFriendlyFace
    LOL today at work this lady came in and ordered turkey, then as I'm finishing it up she say's "thanks, it's for a vegetarian." Now this did catch me off guard, and while I'm sure I shoulda just kept my mouth shut I was thinking there must be some mix up or something so I'm like "wait, the turkey is for a vegetarian?", and she responds "yes, he doesn't eat pork". At this point I decide it's definitely best to shut up. But considering I don't eat pork either, I guess I'm a vegetarian
     
    In other news, I was a total jerk for a good part of the day. I don't even know why really, ostensibly it was a good day, lotsa nice things happened. Like we got paid today, our boss gave us our christmas presents early (sweatshirts), and I ate lunch with my friend (the one who said men and women shouldn't be alone together), I definitely think we're making progress. Anyway I was still kinda grumpy all day. I think we all were actually, and I guess it just wore off on me too. Then at one point things got a little tense between me and another coworker. We've got a very complicated history, and I think I, undeservedly, have less patience with her. It's really not fair, someone else could easily get away with alot more, but she's hurt me a few times and I'm just more likely to get defensive where she's involved. Which sucks because for the last couple of weeks things were almost back to normal with us. Then at the end of the day she just unexpectedly announces that she's decided to do me a HUGE favor, by taking my shift tomorrow so I can work on one of the two VERY long papers I have due for finals, Monday and Tuesday. I felt like a real jerk after that, actually I felt like a real jerk while I was being grumpy and irritable, and I still couldn't stop it. It also made me feel bad because I'm worried she just did it because she wanted to smooth things over. And it worked too, I was instantly over the rough spots during the day, and all smiles where she was concerned. I hate how shallow I can be. Anyway I don't want her just doing this because she feels like she has to so that we can be "okay" again. On the other hand, it's a nice change since the only way we fixed things last time was by me being relentlessly nice, friendly, and cheerful with her until she got over it. So maybe it was my turn anyway. Of course I think I was being unfair to start with. Oh well I need to learn to be less moody, already knew that.
     
    Anyway I think I'm going to do something truly stupid and walk the mile and a half or so to the bank and make an ATM deposit. Yeah it's cold, dark, and windy out, and I'll have to walk along a busy street to do it. And of course I could just drive or wait till tomorrow. BUT I really think the walk will clear my head.
     
    Anyway take care everyone! and look I managed to keep my post to four paragraphs! LOL I'm going to keep that New Year's resolution to be concise yet! ***hopes no one notices his last post on Dom's page about DD17 ***
  3. AFriendlyFace
    So today was awesome!
     
    I got a full night's sleep (about 9 and a half hours), I usually try to do pretty well for sleep, but lately I've only been getting between 6-7. Anyway today was the last regular day of classes for me, next week is finals. Of course sleepoing in resulted in me missing my first class (it was on purpose BTW), but I think that's ok, because all we have left is the final, and it's only over one chapter, so hey, I'll just read the sucker.
     
    Anyway then my 2nd class went great, he's deciding to grade really leniently because of all the hurricane stuff. Looks like I may even pull off an A in there.
     
    So then I had lunch at a little restaurant in our Student Union. It's a really great place, excellent food, whole deal salad, bread, soup, meat, some kinda veggies, and awesome desert, all for 7.25! Anyway it varies daily, today the desert was Cherries Jubilee, which was AMAZING! I had two rounds of it, one normal one served over vanila ice cream, and then also a silly one served over chocolate ice cream, with m&ms and crushed oreos for toppings . Anyway so the food was awesome, and I had the best waitress I've ever had in that place. Usually the servers are just decent, pleasent enough but not exactly friendly, and the usually bring everything you ask for, just not that quickly. But this one! Wow, she was great, she was really friendly and smiley, very attentive, and prompt bringing everything! In fact she was so good that I left her a 5 dollar tip (lol almost 70%) .
     
    So then it worked out perfectly that I was finishing up just in time to go to my next time without any dead time, or having to rush. I sat by the cutest guy! LOL it was nice that the room was fairly crowded this time and I could sit right next to him without seeming like I was all up in his space. Anyway the class was really fun, it's with that fun, wacky prof. I made an entry about earlier (the one who was talking about getting rats to drink alcohol). She's just so fun! I laugh as much in her class as I do when I go to funny movies, lol!
     
    Anyway then I ran home (OK actually I drove, but running mighta been fun too ), and knocked out a quick two page paper for my next class. I think it went really well, the whole thing couldn't have taken more than about 15 min. and I think it's quite good too, it was one of those fun, opinionated/argumentative essays. I've done ALOT of those, so I know how to bash em out pretty well.
     
    Anyway then I had my last class of the semester! Then I did a little more Christmas shopping, I'm almost completely done now. PLUS I got something really cool that I've been wanting to buy. LOL now I know this is going to sound silly, but you know those bath toys for kids. Those little capsules that you drop in the water, and they gradually expand into some cool shapes like dinosaurs or something. LOL well I've been wanting some, and I finally found them and picked up two packs. I wanted dinosaurs, but all they had left was farm yard animals and backyard bugs. Anyway they were much cheaper than I expected, a pack of twelve only costs 88 cents. LOL I shoulda been playing with them all along
     
    Then on the way home I stopped by the produce market. It was awesome I got my favorite kind of oranges, a buncha apples, some bannanas, some black seedless grapes, AND the most important thing of all! AVACADOS! I love them, I only just really got into them. Last time I tried to buy some it was at wal-mart and they were a buck each and crudy. Here they were 50 cents each and awesome quality! It's funny I was so excited when I saw them, that I like frooze and didn't know what to do, Then I of course grabbed a bag and rushed forward to load up. LOL I swear I felt like jumping up and down and clapping my hands (but I waited until I got home ) .
     
    Anyway then I whipped up some home made guacamole, and chowed down while I watched a movie. THEN I took this awesome really long, really hot bubble bath. Where I did of course play with my new toys. I ended up with a blue pig, and a yellow goose. The pig stood up great, but the goose couldn't unless it leaned on it's neck . I also tried out my new shower head massager thing. It wasn't quite as great as I was hopping, but still fun.
     
    Anyway I'd better get to bed, I hope everyone had an awesome day, has an awesome week, and a wonderful well EVERYTHING!!! LOL You guys rock :-)
     
    Kevin
  4. AFriendlyFace
    So let's see, here's what I've been up to. I went out of town to meet my mom for dinner as I said in the previous entry. But it was Sunday so I wanted to go to Church. So anyway I figured if I went in the city I was meeting her in, as opposed to my own city, we'd save sometime, since I'd already be there when it was over. Anyway so we met about 5:30 in a church parking lot, with me intending to go to 6:00pm mass. Anyway we wanted to go see "Rent", but the times were 7:00, and 9:50, which didn't work so well because church wouldn't be over till 7:00 so that was out, and 9:50 is kinda late to START a movie considering I still have like an hour drive home afterwards. Anyway so I was like well we'll figure something out, and I also said all I really wanted for dinner was a brownie sundae from the Hershey's store (I don't know if any of you guys have them in your areas, but it's an awesome ice cream/chocolate place), I wasn't really that hungry and if I've only got room for desert or a regular meal,,,,lol it's desert .
     
    Anyway so it's like pouring out, so she pulls me up to the front of the church (by now we're just in one vehicle), and drops me off, and she's like "okay, I'm going to go do some quick shopping while your in there." So anyway I go in, and sit down, getting a few funny looks in the progress. Well I'd hardly sat down when everyone else got up and started singing the FINAL song, and then everyone filed out. Turns out it started at 5:00, NOT 6:00. So anyway I leave, but of course my mom's already gone, so I try to call her, but it's too loud with everyone all huddled under the pavillion talking and stuff, so I've got my umbrella so I figure I'll just step off the sidewalk for a bit. And of course I manage to step in a really big puddle and soak my shoe and pant leg. Anyway it wasn't so bad though, I sometimes go out to "play" in the rain anyway so I don't really mind being wet. Actually it worked out well, I missed church, but I did TRY after all. And since we had the extra time we had time to go get the desert then make the 7:00 pm feature.
     
    Ok so rent was freakin awesome! LOL the only draw back was that I was way more attracted to the two straight guys in the movie (Roger and Mark), than Angel and Collins. MAN it woulda been hot if they'd like swapped the roles or whatever . Who was Roger anyway? that was one seriously beautiful guy!
    Actually I found Mimi and Joann kinda hot too, it was a very attractive cast. That said it was such a good movie in every other way too! I mean I really like musicals anyway, it's just appealing to me the whole idea of people just breaking into song and dancing as a way of explaining something. It'd be so cool if that would really happen! I really liked alot of the songs. I think the opening one "rent", then "Light my candle", "Tango Maureen", "La vie Boheme" and "Take me or Leave me" were my favorites, and of course the very sad, poignant "without you". It was really nice that pretty much everyone found someone (except Mark, but he seemed ok with that doing his documentary stuff). I mean how pathetic is it that in that scene (Oh wait I'm about to spoil the moive), well in THAT scene, the really sad scene, where someone was holding someone else while he was in the hospital sick, I was actually thinking "aww that's so sweet, I hope that happens for me someday".....I mean hopefully not for a very long time, and hopefully I'm like an old man dieing of some normal, natural cause, but it'd be really great if my "life partner" were there to hold me while I wasn't doing so well. Or vise-versa. Anyway I guess for the most part it was kinda a sad movie, but I actually found it really inspiring. It's like no matter what your problems are, no matter how long you've got left, it's still worth it, and important to look for love, and to pursue your dreams, and they really did all stand by each other in a sweet, awesome way. So yeah great movie!
     
    Anyway so today I did my Christmas shopping. It went pretty well I got MOST of it done. The only trouble is there's like 5 or 6 people I really enjoy shopping for and could buy them hundreds of things I know they'd like. Then there's like everyone else where I'm stuck desperately looking for ANYTHING I think they MAY like. I kinda copped out and bought them a bunch of gift cards to stores I THINK they'll like. But all in all I really like buying people gifts, I mean I like shopping so 1) it's a good excuse, and 2) it's just really nice to buy for other people as opposed to myself. Sometimes I buy people little random gifts for no reason if I think they'll like it, but while I always INTEND to do it more, I don't do it as much as I'd like.
     
    Anyway so the last place I went was Barns and Noble, I bought a bunch of books and was getting someone a membership card. So I'm standing in line, looking at one of those little tiny books they always put right by the check out lines so you'll buy them impulsively (and it worked I did BTW ). Anyway so the check out guys like "I can help you", and I look up, and he's like really cute. Plus he seems like he's gay, I could kinda tell by the clothes (especially his belt, which is hard to describe, but it definitely didn't seem like a regular straight guy's belt) and his overall behavior, I mean he wasn't rediculously obvious, and I guess I could be wrong but if I had to guess I'd say he was. Anyway so he was cute, and I did my best to make small talk and stuff while he was checking me out (I hope ). LOL anyway I did manage to give him quite a few friendly smiles. I was kicking myself for just wearing bulky winter clothes. My hair was even messy and wind blown, and I didn't shave this morning . Anyway I really wish I'd gone to a bigger effort before I left the house (I gotta get in the habit of doing that everytime before I go out). So anyway I just paid and left, I mean what else can you do really?
     
    Well on the way home I kept thinking of cute, somewhat subtle flirty things I coulda said. I mean for starters he saw me impulsively add the last thing, which was a silly little book I'm hoping my grandma likes. It woulda been lame but I coulda been like "so would you like this if you were my grandmother?". I mean yeah really cheesy and stupid, but it woulda indicated interest right? and it mighta gotten a conversation started. Then when he asked me about getting the membership, I should have definitely said "Sure, do you want my phone number?" Then given him one of my more playful smiles lol. But of course being human, I only thought of this stuff AFTER I'd left. Anyway I'm thinking I may just NOT give up so easy. I mean Barns and Noble is a fun place to hang out, I can always go back (having dressed up a little more), and maybe I can like "return" something. I'd be better prepared the next time lol. And besides I got other people a Christmas presents from there, why not pick myself up something too? OK so that'll probably never work, and I have to remember that while I'm doing better, I'm still somewhat shy. Besides for all I know he could be seeing someone, or even be straight! But at least it gives me something to think about, I'm tired of walking around living my life like some kinda G rated disney character. Not that I'd just "pick him up" or anything (LOL I am NOT putting out unless it's serious ), I'm really only interested in a relationship, but I really need to work on finding one! And you can't start something serious without starting something fun and light first right?
     
    Oh well anyway, thanks for reading yet another one of my long, rambling blogs. I think my New Year's resolution this year is going to be trying to learn to be more concise. Take care everyone, be safe, and have a truly awesome day!
     
    Kevin
  5. AFriendlyFace
    Ok so all day at work today we listened to Christmas music. It was really fun. It's ashame it was actually kinda HOT outside today, but I guess that's what I get for living in a furnance,,er I mean Louisiana
     
    I think it would be fun just once to have a "white Christmas", but that'll probably never happen until I move, oh well. Today was kinda fun, I actually kept getting hit on by pretty girls. It's ashame I'm not in the market for one right now. It's also really strange, when I MIGHT have actually dated a girl, they seldom flirted with me, every now and then, but certainly not as often as now. My theory is since I'm absolutely not interested whatsoever in the majority of them now, I must seem more confident, or overall less interested, which I guess really does work.
     
    Anyway every now and then I get a "vibe" from some of the guys that come in, but it's tricky because I'm never SURE and I'd hate to make a fool of myself. That and I'm not out at work . LOL once a few weeks ago this REALLY cute guy came in, that I really thought was gay, I was never positive because he seemed more like the understated type (which is what I'm more into anyway), but I was just kinda "thinking" he was. Anyway last time I saw him I didn't realize he was with the guy standing next to him (also kinda cute but not as hot), so I went to help the other guy, because someone else was already taking care of him, and I guess I was a little too "friendly" because he suddenly stopped and looked at me and said "Hi There" you know in that sarcastic, defensive way people get when someone's talking too much to their S.O., Anyway I still didn't catch on right away I was like "hi", anyway then he moved a little closer to the other guy, and paid for both their stuff when they were leaving and it finally clicked. So I felt a little stupid and embarrased about that. Although I really WASN'T trying to flirt with the other guy anyway, and I wouldn't hit on someone elses person besides that. But mostly I was like kicking myself because obviously the other guy WAS gay, and probably available until fairly recently (and he's so HOT! I'm a sucker for blondes or redheads and this boy's got like the REDDEST hair, and the prettiest greenish yellow eyes). Oh well maybe next time I meet someone I'm interested in and think might feel the same way I'll be more daring before it's too late.
     
    So I'm about to go meet my mom for dinner tonight, everything's been really good with us. Mostly exactly same as before, the only possible difference is I think I've noticed her saying "I love you" more often when we talk on the phone or something. So I'm guessing she probably wants to let me know everything's fine. So I'm glad to say it all definitely seems to have worked out for the best.
     
    Also I worked with my friend (from the earlier post), you know the one who thinks guys and girls can't be friends unlesss they're dating. Well anyway while we didn't really have any good one on one conversations, it was still really fun, and we were definitely laughing and getting along like old times. So I guess it's mostly ok, we just can't spend as much time together as before, or have any important conversations. Oh well it was fun, and for now I"ll just take what she's willing to offer.
     
    Well I'd better run, oh yeah and if anyone's looking for a good Christmas song, I really recommend the one in my title, OR "Felize Navidad" (the "I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, from the bottom of my heart" song). Take care everyone and have an awesome day!
  6. AFriendlyFace
    Ok so today I was freakishly happy all day. I'm usually a pretty upbeat person, but today was just plain crazy (in a good way obviously). I mean I literally had to stop myself from grinning at people all day. And several times during the day I'd just be having a regular conversation with someone and feel like this wonderful flood of positive emotions. What's the reason for all this you may ask. That's just it, there really isn't one. I mean yeah I think I've got a pretty good life, and lots of reasons to be happy overall. But specifically nothing happened, especially today, that would cause such elation. SO I'm thinking it's gotta be some kinda nice hormonal imbalance. Like the ones that cause depression only in reverse.....Yeah I guess I'm like being flooded with dopamine and serotonin. Whatever, I'm just going to enjoy it while I've got it and hope it doesn't go away too soon (LOL of course EVER would be too soon)!
     
    LOL OK story time: The last time I felt like this was a couple of months ago, but there was an actual reason for that. See I'd finally decided to go out to some gay clubs the night before. I still didn't have the nerve to do it, in my own city (I mean basically I'm planning to move in May anyway, and I've pretty much decided I don't feel like going through all the drama that comes with "coming out". So I'll just start out "out" whever I move to. And while it may sound really selfish and self-serving, and I guess to some degree it is, I also don't want to put all my friends and co-workers through it. I mean it's just alot for them to deal with, and if I'll be out of MOST of their lives soon anyway, why make them deal with it? The ones I stay close with and still talk to and stuff, I will eventually tell....anyway). SO I went out in another city and had an awesome time. Ok actually not really. I got lost like 6 times looking for the place, and once I finally found it, I wasn't really interested in anyone there. The good time part was that without doing anything but standing there looking available I kept getting hit on. One guy came up and talked to me for awhile and then was like "here why don't I give you my number"....another drunk, really pushy guy, just came up and offered me a blow job. it's not easy to politely turn those down either, "um, no thanks, but thanks anyway" just doesn't seem to work, I finally got away from him by being honest and saying I just wasn't looking for anything casual. And this other guy came up and asked me to dance, then tried to buy me a drink (I wasn't drinking since I had to drive)...Anyway so even though I didn't actually meet "Mr. Right" it was still a nice little ego booster, and the whole next day I was all smiley and giggly. But of course that HAD a reason, this didn't.
     
    Of course being rediculously over-analytical, and a psyc. major, I can't help wondering if there's going to be a downside. I mean highs end right? The closest I could come up with is Bipolar disorder, but it doesn't really fit. I'm not exactly manic,,,,,I mean maybe a little, but I'm mostly able to control myself if I want, and it's definitely NOT interferring with my life. Also I don't feel invulnerable or anything. Of course this is nothing new, I get these little bouts of random happiness periodically. and so far I haven't experienced any real depression. Except for once two years ago in February.
     
    That was a really rough period, I think it definitely did meet the criteria for depression in every regard except duration. Technically it needs to last for at least two weeks, and mine probably only lasted about a week and a half tops. It was pretty rough though, I literally cried myself to sleep several of those nights, and in general I got really sullen and apathetic. Also just like the opposite of today instead of little waves of euphorea I was gettin hit by little waves of like emotional pain, I mean it really felt like it HURT. Similarly with regards to today's pleasent waves of goodness all I've been able to come up with as a comparison is,,,well an orgasm . I mean it didn't PHYSICALLY feel like one, but it had the same emotional/psychological feel to it, just a great big "Ah". Anyway I am of course not worried about it. I'm SURE I have abnormal psychological stuff (I'll go into that later), but I've pretty much always been sure of that, I've also pretty much always enjoyed it, so no way I'm stopping now lol. So it's probably safe to assume that while this great feeling will go away, it probably won't be replaced by something agonizing.
     
    Also on the issue of the depression a couple of years ago. While it sucked big time then, looking back I think it was a really good thing for me to go through. I mean basically I WANT to know what it feels like. I want to be able to really understand and empathize with people who are depressed. I still doubt mine was very severe (and believe me it was severe enough and now that I've done it I don't want to do it again), but at least it gave me a hint of what it's like to be unhappy. That's really an important part of being a human being, understanding all the basic human emotions. I mean I was planning to be a psychologist, so of course I need to know what depression is like, but that's a useful thing to know if you're going to be a writer too (my new aspiration), or just an emotionally in tune person. Oh yeah if anyone's wondering about the specifics. I think it was mostly triggered by feelings of loneliness and isolation. Ostensibly I guess you could say it was caused by the immanent Valentine's day, but really that just put a face on it. How did I finally "beat it"? I made myself dress up and look as nice as possible. Then I took myself out to dinner and shopping. ALONE just me! Kinda to prove to myself that I didn't NEED anyone (of course I really do, in the same way we all do, but I can handle being by myself pretty well). And yeah as shallow as it sounds I think the pure indulgence, and materialism cheered me right up.
     
    On a side note, I wonder if the reason they call homosexual people "gay" is because we're happier than most people? I mean probably not considering the higher suicide rates and all the other problems that often plague gay people. But maybe there's some sort of correlation between people being gay and also being really exuberant. My theory is, gay people feel freer and less constrained and are thus able to comfortably manifest their vivacious tendencies. Whereas straight people, especially guys, might be like "naw, if I get that loud and giddy everyone will think I'm "gay" ". Oh well right now I'm gay in every sense of the word and enjoying it very much. LOL I REFUSE to curb my enthusiasm
     
    Anyway I just got a call from a friend of mine, she's planning to rewire a lamp and was wondering if I wanted to help. So I'm going to go over there in a bit. I can't wait! (lol and there's no hint of sarcasm there at all, I really think it'll be fun).
     
    Just wanted to leave with a suggestion of two very good songs. "No such thing" by John Mayer. Favorite lines: "I wanna run through the halls of my high school, I wanna scream at the top of my lungs. I just found out there's no such thing as the real world, just some lie you've got to rise above."
    Other really good song, "Like Humans Do" by David Byrne. Favore line: "Wiggle while you work
    Anybody can". Sorry I made this post so long, lol once ya get me started...... Take care all and have a FANTASTIC day!
  7. AFriendlyFace

    Dance, Dance

    By AFriendlyFace,

    So pretty much all my life I've liked really lively, fast, up tempo music. Which means I was actually very much into the "pop punk" scene because even though the lyrics are usually a little grim, the beat is (IMO) infectious. Actually I usually like the lyrics too, they may be dark, but they're usually witty and full of word play. Anyway as a result of my musical preferences few people would describe me as a sophisticated listener. Does that matter? Nope not a bit, I like it and that's all that really matters to me. Anyway on that note, I've been addicted to "dance, dance" by Fall Out Boy. I've listened to it probably about 25 times or so in the last 6 hours. I'm always like that with music. When I like a song I just keep playing it and playing it. Once a few years ago my roommate (back when I used to have a roommate), was leaving for church (which lasts an hour, plus commuting time to and from), anyway I was listening to "Hero" by The Verve Pipe (another fine song IMO) upon the time of departure and darnit if I didn't realize THAT was the only song I listened to (over and over) the ENTIRE time, upon the home arrival. I actually like most types of music though, including the exact opposite, really sad, slow, melencholy songs. About the only stuff I don't like is "easy listening" as they call it, I think it's because I need music to actively engage me, if it doesn't it just seems like a distrubing background noise to me, and stresses me out. Which is probably why I can't read or write with any music playing, all the songs I like make me focus (and thus divide my attention too much,,,,heck I'm already distracted enough to start with), and I simply don't like music I don't actively focus on. So where was I going with this? I can't remember Anyway "Dance, Dance", good song, especially if you want to....well dance, dance.
     
    I actually don't dance though, not in public anyway. I sing and dance a lot in my apartment (and sometimes my truck), but usually not where anyone else can see.....well for one thing the majority of the time I'm dancing I'm naked anyway, so I wouldn't want too many people watching in the first place. Anyway all this seemingly pointless rambling is serving a purpose. It's distracting me from the fact that I've got to come up with a really good, really short fictional story FAST. I need said story to apply for grad. school. Which I'm still not sure I'm making the right decision with in the first place. It's so messed up, I remember when I graduated from High School and had to pick a major in the first place, there were like a hundred things I all really wanted to do, and I had to try to pick my favorite. I mean I wanted to do the psychology, I wanted to teach, I WANTED to (but didn't think they were practical) write and act. I wanted to maybe do marketing/advertizing. and a whole bunch of other things. Of course I ended up doing the psychology and eventually double majoring with sociology. Then a few months ago I realized I was "selling out" by not pursuing writing, so I decided I'd be applying to grad. school for writing instead of psyc. or socio. Well great except now I'm wondering if that's really best either? It's like I went from wanting to do EVERYTHING to trying to figure out what I can force myself to do and enjoy. I mean I would like to write, and I think I'm a rather creative writer, and I enjoy the process. The only problem is my ever shrinking attention span. I'm just not that focused anymore, I don't know if I can sit down and bash out a few pages at a time without wandering away to see if I turned the stove off (which I'm getting better about BTW).
     
    It's really messed up, when I was a kid I used to have amazing powers of concentration. Seriously, I could easily sit quietly and read ANYTHING for hours and stay totally focused on what I was reading. I could also complete most tasks in one good chuck without getting distracted. Now I feel like I've got a 3 second short term memory, and I'm constantly being bombarded by random, distracting, usually pointless thoughts. I used to ALWAYS make it a point to read something to the end of the next chapter, now I literally stop mid-sentence sometimes and walk away.....It's like "He opened the door to find a ve...." hey I wonder where I left my glass of water and off I go in search of before mentioned water. Of course I usually find something else to get distracted by in the kitchen (where I've often left the freshly filled glass sitting near the fridge), then I usually drop by the bathroom, then decide it's time to call so and so, which of course means trying to find my phone, which I usually find somewhere in my room, at which point I see the opened book and instead of calling whoever, I begin to wonder what he found when he opened the door. It's gotten so bad that I've literally begun to forget what question I asked when people give me an answer. "yeah, last Wednesday"....."uh sorry, what'd I ask?" Granted that usually happens when they finish their previous thought before going back to my question, but still. So what's wrong with me? Seriously?
     
    I'd guess ADD/ADHD and indeed that would make sense if I was like 9, but like I said I was a calm, focused kid, it's only in the last couple of years I've become a walking commercial for Concerta. Another interesting thing to note is that as a kid I didn't have a particularly large amount of energy. I just kinda sat around and prefered the lazy modern stuff, TV, Video games, as well as reading and board games and stuff. Now I actually am a big ball of energy. I'm all over the place, and I often feel like running if I'm going somewhere (I usually don't because it'd be kinda odd and socially unacceptable to just sprint into the bank, run up to the counter, and while swaying back and forth exclaim "I wanna make a deposit please!" Heck it actually sounds like fun though, when I was a kid I've thought I was an idiot.......I'd have probably been right too Oh I actually did have a theory on it though (almost got distracted and forgot,,,,go figure ) Ridlin and other meds that work on ADD are stimulants, as is caffiene of course. Well I USED to drink a lot of caffiene, as a small child I drank like litters of Dr.Pepper, and I got on Coffee and Tea pretty early. But about a year ago I gave up drinking caffiene entirely (I still get some with my chocolate addiction though). Anyway is it possible that I was like "self medicating" all along with the caffiene? And now that I truly am, for the most part, stimulant free I can't focus??
     
    Of course the really messed up thing is that I'm happier this way. Who wouldn't rather feel like running than feel like they could barely lift their feet? Besides I'm healthier now too. But is it worth my mind?? Oh well I'll forget about it soon anyway :wacko:
  8. AFriendlyFace
    Ok so I think today went better than it should have actually. I mean I woulda thought I'd have gotten really hurt and as a result irritable and grumpy, after what happened, but I managed not to. So let's see how shall I tell this story?
     
    I have this really good friend at work, she's one of my best friends and definitely my best "work friend". Well anyway about a year ago she met this guy, and they VERY slowly started dating, and now it's pretty serious. Anyway this is great IMO. See before she met him, while she was really doing ok overall, she's, I think, in a better place now. She'd just gotten out of a bad relationship, and she was having a lot of trouble getting over the guy, plus he was practically stalking her. So anyway this new guy is definitely better for her, regardless of what else can be said. See he's really religious, in fact he's litterally a missionary of sorts. Anyway she was very slow to finally start seeing him, but he seemed like a nice guy, and everytime she asked my opinion I always told her I thought he was a good guy. Of course I could tell early on he was a jealous guy, see his names Kelvin, and my name is Kevin. So apparently she kept accidently calling him "Kevin" and what from what she told me, it always drove him crazy. Anyway I can see why that would make him jealous, and once we actually met we got along fine, so I didn't think there was any problem.
     
    Well quite a few people in her family thought there WAS a problem.....see they're an interacial couple, and while I don't like to use the term, we're right in, what you could call "redneck territory". Especially our home towns (we didn't meet till we both moved, but we're from the same area). Anyway her grandmother even "disownded" her. Add to that the fact that the guy's very conservative nature ticked off all her liberal friends, and the fact that they were spending so much time together (and thus she was spending less time with her other friends) kinda alienated another good portion of her friends, and basically I was one of the only ones she could talk to about him, and be around with him.
     
    Anyway after they'd been dating awhile, she started making some changes. Most of which I think are good changes. She quit smoking and drinking, started exercising more, cut back on caffiene (she's got a heart murmur which it isn't good for), and also started going to church regularly, and getting very involved with her faith. I thought this was great! She's much happier now, and healthier. Well anyway while all this was taking place, I noticed she was less eager to spend time with me, especially alone. No big deal I thought, I figured for one thing they just needed to spend more time together anyway. I'm not one of those people who freaks out when their friends start to seemingly become "joined at the hip" with their S.O. I mean I figure that's perfectly natural, and healthy, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Also I kinda figured there was some jealousy issues there, and I really didn't want to make things worse. So I just backed off a little. Well I could tell we were "drifting apart" a little, and today is when things finally came to a head.
     
    See, it turns out she'd joined this very conservative religous women's group, that does a book study. And the book they're studying is "Every Woman's Battle". Well from what she was telling me this book's very adament about the fact that women shouldn't spend time with the opposite sex. That they should refrain from serious/personal/meaningful conversations with their males friends, and that in general only women could "minister" to other women, and only men can minister to other men. So basically if she's got a problem she's going to another woman, and if a guy comes to her with a problem she'll encourage him to talk to another guy about it. Well basically to be blunt, I think this is all a bunch of nonsense! First of all I think that a diverse group of friends, of both sexes, and of all backgrounds and heritages is only enriching, and good for people. I think it's true that there are some differences between the sexes, but I think the similarities are more significant. I think it's true that it's helpful to talk to someone who can understand what you're going through, because they've been there. I mean I'd like to have a close gay, male friend to talk to about stuff, (probably an important factor in why I'm here). And yeah in general I guess it's helpful to talk to other guys about some stuff. But by and large I think that most people are capable of understanding what other people are going through, especially if they're close with that person, and the person takes the time to tell them. I mean it's all the same human emotions: joy, anger, sadness, fear, hope, excitement, guilt, love. Most people can identify with these and understand that that's what the person is feeling even if they've never felt it themselves because of the exact same situation, and besides that who's going to find someone who's been in the EXACT SAME SITUATION? I mean I even asked "so what if your brother comes to you for something?" and she said "I'd give him Kelvin's number.".....I mean I think that's just silly. Who wouldn't feel more comfortable talking to their sister than their sister's boyfriend. Especially since she and her brother are fairly close, and he doesn't even know Kelvin that well. Anyway she basically made it clear that she wasn't interested in having close friendships with her guy friends anymore. That it just "isn't right" and "too much temptation".
     
    So I guess I should mention I'm not "out" to her, but the thing is there's no point. We actually have a 3rd mutual friend who's gay, and I've been able to tell how she feels about it. She's "okay" with it, in that she isn't going to insult or deride him, and she's willing to be his friend (or at least she was lol), but she just doesn't "get it", she thinks it's morally wrong, and she doesn't understand it in the first place. She also thinks it's some kinda temporary thing which could just instantly go away or something. I mean she even said he was no exception "he's still a guy" she said. I don't really understand her point, he's NOT going to try anything with her, and nor am I for that matter, she'd have to like tie us down and attack us or something, which doesn't seem likely. But I guess in her mind, we may still try something. So anyway the point is there's no use in me sitting her down and trying to explain to her that I really wouldn't be interested in the first place. Besides all that I can't justify trying to do it. I mean first off I don't make judgements about people's lives if they're happy, and they aren't hurting themselves or others. I mean if they're living morally upright lives, and they're happy, it isn't my place to tell them they're wrong, even if I think they are. I mean this obivously isn't a part of my faith, even though broadly we're both Christians, she's obivously got different views. I can't really justify saying they're wrong. Especially since she is happy, and it's working for her. I mean maybe it isn't "wrong" for her.
     
    I DON'T think it's a healthy way for her to handle her relationships with the important guys in her life, I mean I'm assuming that while she's obivously comfortable being alone with Kelvin, she'd probably even encourage him to talk to someone else about his problems. Doesn't seem good to me, but right now they're fine, and who knows, they both share these views, so maybe it'll work for them. I guess all I can do is back off, remain a casual friend, and let her "fight this battle" on her own. It's ashame because I'd have had her back if she'd have let me, but I guess some things you have to do by yourself (or with your same gendered friends). So anyway it hurts, and I'm definitely out one very good, close friend, but it's not my place to stop her if I don't think she's messing up her life (and overall I really don't, she is happier, and in a better place now). And it would just be selfish to try.
  9. AFriendlyFace

    So I Told Her

    By AFriendlyFace,

    Well first off I want to thank Michael, Nick and Reaper very very much for the supportive comments they made. It really meant alot to me and made things easier, Thanks guys .
     
    So anyway I decided I'd tell her this afternoon when I got home from work,,,,,,and I did. And it was really good. I'd prepared myself for the possibility of crying, or something. I even tried to think it would be normal and OK if there was some yelling or something. But none of that ever happened. I successfully managed the "so let's talk" kinda thing, and then getting across that it was going to be important etc. I even managed to convey that it would probably be shocking. Then after I had her all worked up and worried, even though I was telling her "don't worry everything's fine"...I pretty much chickened out, I just couldn't say it. So she actually got up and gave me a nice hug and said she'd always love me no matter what and I could tell her anything. So I finally did, and she said she thought so as soon as I started the conversation, but the way I was talking, but that she HADN"T thought so until I started the conversation. Anyway she was totally cool about it and we had a good talk, and it's all good, and she said she supports me regardless, and never had any hangs up about the issue in general. And she's glad I told her, and she said nothing was going to be any different between us, and she also said she would be ok with someday meeting and getting to know a guy I feel in love with. So all in all, I really couldn't have asked for it to go any better, at all. Except that I really did a lousy job with the actual TELLING part, but her reaction was great, and I was fine after it was "on the table" so to speak. Anyway thanks again guys, for the support and stuff, just wanted to let you know everything went well.
  10. AFriendlyFace

    I may tell her

    By AFriendlyFace,

    So my mom just got here a little while ago. She's going to be staying until Wednesday, then going home for Thanksgiving (And I'll be going too Thursday morning). Anyway she's visiting for a little while, as a kinda vacation thing, and just to visit. It's quite nice and it should be fun. But I can't help thinking that perhaps now is when I ought to come out to her. I mean I never even considered it before last summer, when I actually got inspired enough to think I might actually be able to find a satisfying relationship. Before that I figured there was really no reason to mention it to her (or anyone really), since it's not like I'd be having this steady boyfriend to "hide". I mean if I were in a relationship, I know I'd want to share it with the people I care about....So now that I'm thinking I'm actually gonna take a shot at true love (just as a general idea, I still don't really have any potential people in mind), it seems logical that I should mention this to my closest people. Anyway, it also seems like a good idea to do it when we have alot of time and privacy, and this is really the first time that's come along, since I decided all this.....SOOO I guess I will.....maybe. I dunno, there's no reason to really be freaking out too much about this, I mean I KNOW she'll ultimately come to terms with it, and I doubt it'll ever cause a break in our relationship, even temporary. She's flat out said, parents should always support their kids, she even said this in the context of us discussing a gay friend I have whose parents didn't. So I mean it's not like I have to worry to much. But it is still a big step. And also while I think she'll handle it ok, she'll still have to deal with it, it'll still be awkward, and it'll still surprise her. And I also know she'll be disappointed about not having grandkids (even though I do plan to adopt, it'll still feel to her like she won't have them). Anyway besides all that, everything's going along nicely and I hate to rain on the parade so to speak. But rationally I know that I have to do this eventually since I intend to someday have both a boyfriend and my mom in my life, and really it'll probably be better now, BEFORE I actually find someone, that way she won't subconsciously blame him or anything. I don't feel the need to do this as some sort of opening up/bonding/being honest thing. I mean I am myself around her, ok I don't blurt out "wow, that guy's hot!" or anything, but really I wouldn't do that if it were "wow, that girl's hot!"...Basically I'm just not going to be that sexual around my family anyway, so I really don't feel like I'm hiding anything, I just want to sort this all out before complications arise. So I'm thinking I'll tell her tomorrow evening (if it feels like the right time, and I get up the nerve), that way we can have fun today and not worry about anything, then tomorrow and all day Tuesday we'll still have time to deal with this. Now Thrusday will probably feel odd, when I'm around my grandparents and her at the same time, it'll be like we've got a secret or something, but I'm sure that feeling will pass. Anyway wish me luck everyone, and I probably won't be on much for the next week (regardless of how this works out).....Also if I DON"T end up telling her at all, don't be surprised.
  11. AFriendlyFace

    My first Entry

    By AFriendlyFace,

    Hey everyone!.....I don't know if anyone will actually read this thing, but I figured it might be fun to do one. I like stuff like this, so why not. So let's see what shall I write about? I guess I'll start with a brief description of myself.
     
    I'm a 22 year old male senior in college. I should graduate in May with a double major in Psychology and Sociology, great right? Yeah sorta, the only snag is that I've now decided I want to pursue a career in writing instead. I'd ALWAYS planned on writing, I just figured I'd do it on the side, now I'm thinking I want to do it as a full time career (and still write other stuff on the side). What brought about this little ephinay? Well I guess two things really. I'd always planned on going to grad school for psyc. and then trying to do counciling a few days out of the week while also teaching a few classes as a prof. on the other days (yeah education had always been another "top career choice" for me). Well basically I realized that while I really wanted to do that, in order to get there I'd have to go through grad school for a Master's and probably also a PhD, but the thing is, I hate research, and all the quantitave aspects of psychology, and I realized I'd be miserable doing all that. So yeah I could have switched over and just stuck with Sociology (which I was double majoring in, just because I was interested in it), and I still may, but mostly I think I want to write. The other thing that made me realize this was recently when I was writing this boring paper for a sociology class, and I realized halfway through that I was actually having FUN doing it, just because I enjoy the writing process. So I'll probably be applying soon (as in I shoulda started a month ago) to grad. schools in English, possibly with a concentration in creative writing.
     
    So that about covers the academic/career aspect of my life. Lets see what else should I include in a "first blog entry"? Well a little about me personally. I'm a rather cheerful, friendly person (in fact in grade school I was voted friendliest in my class lol). I'm usually quite optomistic. I try to take care of myself, I go for long walks (occasionally runs) in my neighborhood 3 or 4 times a week. Which serves the dual purpose of exercise and thinking time. I'm also a pretty contemplative person. I also do boring regular sorts of exercises a few nights a week (push ups, sit ups, etc.). I live on my own, with the exception of my Timmy and Lucky (my cats), and have for the last two years. Before that I lived 2 years with roomates. I really like my apartment, especially my walkin closet (I know it's silly that that's one of my favorite things, but it is)....In fact considering that I'm also "closeted", I get a good little laugh by saying to myself "If I have to be in the closet, at least it's a walkin." Oh yeah on the gay thing....
     
    I've pretty much always known I was attracted to guys, but for most of my life I was also attracted to girls. So I figured "well I guess I'll just go with a girl, it'll be less complicated." The only trouble is the older I've gotten the less and less interested in girls I've become. And I never wanted to lead one on or anything so I pretty much came to the realization I should probably date guys instead. It's complicated though. I've always wanted a traditional "American dream" kinda life. You know the "spouse, kids, dog and white picket fence" thing. Well I'm still planing to have that, just with a guy instead (note my use of the word SPOUSE instead of wife ). Yeah so I guess I really need for them to leagalize gay marriage and make adopting an acceptable occurance, for all this to happen. But hey I'm optomistic (remember?). Anyway I realized I could still have this only fairly recently (like late July), when I read TLW and was inspired by Owen and Aiden's relationship. Ok I know it was FICTION, but I got to thinking about it and realized there's really no reason why that couldn't happen for me. I also read "The Human Condition" more recently was further inspired by Mike and Joe's relationship (again fiction, but hey). So yeah I just need to find Mr.Right and settle down.....I guess that's something else I should mention, I'm not interested in anything casual, if I could somehow know for a fact who the right person for me was, I'd marry him tomorrow if I could. Of course I believe in THOROUGHLY getting to know someone first, but like I said if I could KNOW he was the right one, I wouldn't hesistate. Anyway I guess I'm still "in the closet" because the way I look at it, I'm moving in 6 months anyway, so why deal with the drama, and upset my less close friends that I'll probably lose touch with anyway? Besides I am "being myself" it's not like I'm always pretending to be attracted to girls or be some kinda ultra "tough guy", I just don't verbally say "he's cute!". Besides occasionally I am still attracted to girls. As for my family, well I plan to tell my mom, SOON. As in probably within the next week, when she comes to visit for a few days for Thanksgiving **Gulp**.
     
    Well it makes me nervous, but it probably shouldn't. I've always had a really good relationship with my mom (my whole family really). My parents divorced when I was two, after 17 years of marriage, yeah they just waited along time to have kids. My mom explicitly told me I was planned though, so I never felt like an accident anyway....In fact she even told me the day I was concieved (a little odd, but nice to know). Anyway my mom moved back to her home state and moved in with my grandparents. So I basically had three parents growing up, so I definitely didn't miss "having a dad around". when I was a kid I saw my dad every summer and christmas anyway. And he does still call and email on at least a monthly basis, we're just not that close. So anyway I don't feel the need to mention it to him or his side of the family, I like them and get along with them, but we just aren't that close. so also, while I hope it wouldn't be an issue, I'd care alot less if it did bother them. Which, speaking about my dad anyway, I really can't tell, overall he seems like a pretty liberal guy, (he's also a college prof., and alot of them are liberal about that kinda thing anyway). So I guess he wouldn't have too much problem with it, I really don't know though, I don't really know him that well and it's not like gay issues are what we talk about when we do talk. Anyway point is I don't think it really matters much either way.
     
    So back to my mom, I really think she'll take it well for the most part. I was talking with her awhile back about a friend of mine from high school who was gay and has ended up in a pretty bad place (drugs etc.), which I blame on how his parents treated him after they found out he was gay. Anyway she was very in agreement with me, and said they should be ashamed for the way they acted. Also just in general I really couldn't imagine her taking it too badly. I know the only thing will be that she wants grandkids and I'm her only child. Of course I want kids too, so I guess it may work out. Funny thing with my family, we all value have a child alot, but only like one or two, so we're a very small family. Anyway as for my grandparents I don't think I'll ever tell them. I mean I'm really really close with them, especially my grandfather, but the thing is they're just from another generation, a different time if you will. And I just don't think they'd really "get it". The thing is I really couldn't ever imagine them like "disowning me" or anything either, I just know it would hurt them. So I don't think I'll ever tell them, I mean they're in their mid 80s anyway, and while they hopefully do have another 20 years or so left, it probably wouldn't be so hard to just avoid the issue with them. I do plan to tell my cousin (yeah I only have two first cousins, one on my mom's side and one on my dad's anyway the one I mean is on my mom's side), we're fairly close, or we were as kids anyway, in fact she's much more like a sister to me than my actual two (much MUCH younger) half-sisters, and I think she'd handle it ok.....Besides sometimes I suspect she and her best friend may be more than just friends anyway. The only other member of my family would be her mom/my aunt and I could go eithe way on telling her, and could see her going either way as far as how she handles it (though I actually suspect not so well,,,,,so yeah if I'm right about my cousin, I'm definitely much luckier, poor thing)
     
    Anyway I guess that's along enough "first entry", sorry to bore everyone, but I'm one of those people who likes to "set the stage" so I figured a little background info might be useful. I hope everyone has an excellent day!
  12. AFriendlyFace
    A brief recount of my weekend and week thus far:
     
    All last week Luke kept pestering me about not spending enough time with him (he's clingy...and I occasionally make long posts). So we agree to meet up Friday night. So I'm tired Friday night, but I fix myself up and get ready anyway, wouldn't be fair to cancel on him right? WELL, I call him, right on time mind you, and he announces that he's gone off to the movies with Scott, John, and another guy. Based on the way he explained it, I readily deduced that it was actually a sort of bitter, revenge thing because I've been so busy all week and not had any time for him.
     
    You'd think I'd be angry right? You'd be wrong. I didn't particularly care at all. Anyway, I contemplated having a nice quiet night in (which I'd have really enjoyed), but ultimately opted to make plans with a guy I've been talking to for a little impromptu date (which was also quite fun).
     
    His name is Michael. He's a rich, Wiccan, ex-model, California boy, who's also quite well-traveled...all that and he's still a bit younger than me! Anyway, needless to say he's led a fascinating life. He was also well-cultured, well-informed, and able to hold an intelligent conversation. You'd think I'd be interested eh? Nope again. I think it's because he primarily seems to be looking for a serious, fairly long-term, but impermanent relationship. I on the other hand would be happy with either a casual, light relationship OR beginning gradually working up to a serious, committed, ostensibly permanent relationship. But serious and temporary doesn't really fly with me. Seems like a recipe for heartbreak. Apart from which I really don't have time for a relationship, not a serious one anyway. Things are just way too busy. Considering I'm the sort of person who never gets bored no matter how calm, and uneventful things get, and who instead really likes and needs a good bit of that in his life, you can understand why I'm so tired and stress. Adding a serious boyfriend - whom I shouldn't rationally expect to be with on a very long-term basis - just isn't top of my list of things to do.
     
    Nevertheless, I liked him and he was interesting. So I'll call him again sometime to do something as friends. Speaking of friends that brings us to Saturday. A friend of mine - Adam, haven't mentioned him before here - is moving away soon. So he had a going away party at his house. Oh my gosh it was so fun! Scott, Luke, and I all went plus a bunch of other people obviously.
     
    Interestingly - though hardly surprising - Scott informed that he tried to get a hold of me the night before (which he did I had the missed call, but he was already in the movie and couldn't answer when I returned it). Evidently Luke tried to stop him. He said, "Oh Kevin said he wouldn't be able to make it tonight." Big liar! I knew he was doing the bitter "I'm mad at you so I'm going to make plans with you then purposely keep you out" thing. Scott was really pissed, far more than me actually. But then Scott's always more pissed at Luke than I am these days. Anyway, more on Luke later.
     
    I had the most awesome time at the party! I just love Adam's boyfriend Sean! He's the coolest! He's gorgeous for one thing, but he could look like hell and still be fun to be around with the personality he's got going. He's extremely witty, quite camp, obscenely cheerful, freakishly nice, and incredibly friendly. But none of that is irritating! He also happens to be very intelligent and well-educated. All that he's also, at least from what I can tell, a really terrific boyfriend to Adam which makes Scott and I very happy indeed (Luke considerably less so since he himself was interested in Adam).
     
    Apart from the joys of time with Adam and Sean (which as I said are quite jubilant anyway), we also make several new friends. Most notably a delightfully sweat couple. One of them is out-going and friendly, the other is nice but shy. It's adorable because they both look like straight guys. I mean, my gaydar - which is quite well-developed - might miss them if I didn't know (and if they weren't cuddling as they're apt to do). Now obviously, as I've said many times, I don't have much of a fascination with straight guys, so the 'straight acting' gay really isn't my thing. Indeed I still wasn't attracted to them at all, but I still thought it was just frickin' adorable because it looked like two straight guys cuddling and sitting on each other's laps. It was just really cute
     
    Anyway, then we all went clubbing, sans Luke who went home early [begin bitch mood] which actually rather pleased Scott and I [end bitch mode]. For once we were able to get Scott dancing on the raised platform areas they have - which I think is just way more fun. So we had a delightful time.
     
    Sunday crazy busy as well. First we (Scott, Luke, and I) had our Sunday school class. As I've said many times I belong to a very liberal United Methodist Congregation. We've been doing a discussion series on 'controversial topics' and Sunday's was homosexuality. Needless to say the three of us, plus the other gay members of the class (there's about 4 or 5 others that regularly go and a smaller handful that occasionally go), were really looking forward to this discussion. It was really nice. No one said anything homophobic and everyone seemed to support acceptance and equal rights for gays in the church
     
    LOL, naturally Scott and I were quite outspoken, which actually led me to speculate later that perhaps some of the other members of our class may indeed have been slightly uncomfortable or conservative on the topic but didn't feel comfortable voicing their opinion given the presence of such a relatively large contingent of gays and gay-affirming allies. Scott said this was nonsense. I hope he's right. Either way though, good discussion and even though I've never really struggled with my faith and sexuality it's nice to see that so many others - especially straights - don't see a conflict with it either. Anyway, then we had service then our class met back up and went to lunch (as we do every week). It was delicious by the way! I'd never been to the restaurant but it was awesome and I really had fun.
     
    Then Scott and I went to get our hair and eyebrows done. The results were also very satisfactory as far as we're concerned, lol
     
    We'd planned to go shopping afterwards, but right as we were finishing up William called us so we met up with him and had some drinks and caught up. He told us all about his new boyfriend...whom he's already having trouble with, but that's William for you.
     
    Anyway, I really love that guy! He's just an awesome person and it was so much fun the three of us hanging out like old times. Between mine and his frantically busy schedules it's been difficult to get together. Apart from which since he and Scott are no longer roommates AND since he now actually lives in a fairly remote part of the city, we just don't all get to hang out much anymore (whereas that's practically all we did before they both moved lol). So yeah, great times! We went to Ikea and critiqued the various furniture and housewares (and each other's taste ). Yep, good times.
     
    Next I took Scott home where of course we met up with Luke, and coincidentally FF (former friend). That's when things got a bit...interesting. Scott's been convinced that Luke is spying on all of us, getting personal information, and perhaps having us watched. This bothers Scott considerably. I'm not as upset as one might thing. I've actually kinda always thought that was a very good possibility and it fits with his personality. So it's just sorta old news to me. I don't think he does it that much. I don't have anything to hide, and I don't think he's at all dangerous. He's just really insecure, paranoid, clingy, and more than a little obsessive.
     
    Anyway, we were hanging out and Luke made a remark about one of my bills which he really shouldn't have had the knowledge to make. I don't really discuss my bills with my friends, and in any case I knew I hadn't discussed it with Luke. I was going to let it pass. Scott wasn't. He confronted Luke about the whole thing and started to go off on him. Naturally Luke got defensive.
     
    At this point FF suggested that the two of them take this opportunity to clear the air and discuss their problems while there were two other people present to keep things from getting too heated or personal. Obviously I know a good bit about psychology (what with it being my degree and all), and so does FF since he's spent so many years in therapy (I really don't mean that as a caustic remark at all. He honestly is very knowledgeable about how effective discussion and conflict resolution should take place).
     
    So I actually think it helped alot. They got a lot of their stuff out and they were able to discuss it pretty well. I got an amusing sensation of being a therapist at one point too. FF had gone back inside. It was just after sunset and we were reclining on the lounge chairs by the pool (as I said, I wouldn't get in the pool, and if it hadn't been dark I probably wouldn't have been near it, but since it was it was actually quite pleasant). Anyway at one point Scott finished saying something fairly significant and they were both quite. So I turned to Luke (I was on the chair in the middle) and said, "And how do you feel about that, Luke?" LOL, I just realized it was like the classic couple's therapist line. Worked though, Luke proceeded and they talked out a bunch of stuff.
     
    The only real drawback is that since Luke and Scott's relationship was in much more trouble than mine and Luke's, and since I therefore needed to let them focus on their stuff and just be neutral, I didn't get a chance to talk to Luke about any of our stuff, and that would have been a bit nice as well. I was also struck with the irony that for the first several minutes FF and I were clamming them down and getting them to effectively communicate whereas several months ago it would have been very fitting for them to have been doing that to/for us. Interestingly for all our vaunted communication skills FF and I never have discussed our issues since the friendship first ended.
     
    So that was my busy weekend. Monday I got a ticket from a cop for running a stop sign. Which I did, but I did it knowingly and carefully. It was a rolling stop deal and no one was coming. My approach to traffic laws is that they should only be obeyed when they make sense and a relevant. So when visibility is such that no one is clearly coming I really do feel perfectly free to run stop signs and red lights. I pride myself on my intellectual, reasoned approach to morals and ethics and quite clearly there's no rational reason to sit there and wait when no one is in the area. It does no good and does moderate harm (delaying me, burning ever slightly more fuel, potentially causing traffic bottlenecks if people come up behind me, etc). Anyway, the frickin cop was just really rude. Totally irritated me! And the ticket is outrageous!
     
    Interestingly, I suspect that most people, particularly people in there early 20s, would be more apt to turn to their friends for solace and not mention it to their mother. Not me though. I knew I could count on mom to commiserate and expect only lectures and gentle reproach from the rest of my friends. Thus, I've decided not to tell them, but I promptly called up my mom and vented!
     
    Monday night I actually had another sorta date. Blah, it's complicated. Wasn't as interested in this one. May also hang with him again as friends though. Can't have too many friends right? Actually, I almost feel as though I do. I have so many friends whom I feel like I have obligations too now...ugh, it's just a bit overwhelming. And don't get me wrong, I'm crazy about them and feel very lucky...it's just I need more personal time alone.
     
    Anyway, I'm off to bed. On a final note I'm also very busy with school and work so in all likelihood I won't be around quite as much, and certainly won't be as prolific, for the next couple of weeks (more like three probably - till my current class ends).
     
    Take care all
  13. AFriendlyFace

    Overwhelmed

    By AFriendlyFace,

    First off, I wanted to let everyone know that Buy Me A Drink Chapter 2: One for Later is now up. Thanks to everyone who read and commented on chapter 1 (and thanks to everyone who only read and didn't comment, but if you get a chance please feel free to! ). If you haven't checked the story out please give it a look!
     
     
    Anyway, I had that second date with Ryan. It was really nice, we had coffee, went for a walk in the rain (the 'in the rain' part wasn't exactly intentional ), then we had some dinner. I still just really don't know what I want where he's concerned, but things got a little more complicated after that...
     
    After the date as I was on my way home I got a call from a friend of mine asking me to go out with them that evening. I politely declined...then changed my mind and called back. Mostly, I wasn't in the mood to go anywhere but home, but I hadn't hung out with these three friends in a while and I really like spending time with them so I thought I'd better. We had a great time too. The three of them are all good friends and we all got drunk and they started telling me how much they liked hanging out with me, and I was telling them how nifty I thought they were, and we made a bunch of other plans and they started joking how they wanted me to be the fourth member of their little group Which is quite nice, since as I said I do really like them.
     
    I felt a bit like a character out of my story actually, since we were in a gay club, I was drinking Cosmos, and people were buying me drinks. And no, I wasn't flirting with other guys or anything, I wouldn't do that even with the undefined relationship Ryan and I have, but one of my friends had a tab and was insisting, on top of which this random guy was hitting on one of them and insisted on buying us ALL drinks in an effort to impress him.
     
    Ohh, I also ran into an old friend of mine from one of my former jobs! She's a straight girl so I was a little surprised to see her, but not THAT much because of course I already knew she was gay friendly. What did confuse me was the guy she was on top of. Literally, she was riding around the place on his shoulders He obviously seemed like a boyfriend (straight guys are uncommon but not unheard of in this particular establishment), the only thing was he was NOT the boyfriend she should have had...what I mean is when we worked together several months back it was with her boyfriend too. He was a really nice guy and they had been together for along time and were really serious (engaged I thought), so I was pretty surprised to see her with someone else, but despite the general catching up we were doing it wasn't really appropriate (especially given the fact that the other guy was under her at the time) to say, "So what happened to Alex?" Even though that was the question I most WANTED to ask. Anyway, next time I run into a different former co-worker (I run into them all the time), I'll see if I can get the scoop!
     
    So fast-forward a few hours and I'm sitting in an all night diner...talking to my ex on the phone. See I was drunk like I said, and I have a tendency to send people nice texts when I'm drunk (well I do that sober sometimes too, but even more so when I'm drunk), so I sent him something to the effect of, "You're a great guy and I really hope you're happy"...if I weren't so lazy I'd just open my phone and see what it said exactly, but yeah my phone is out of arms reach
     
    Anyway, he called me as soon as I sent it and we ended up talking for a long time. It was really nice, but uhhh....I think I might have told him I still had feelings for him....and I think he might have told me the same thing...and I think we both meant it....
     
    So now I feel like the biggest jerk on the planet. I mean it's not like we're going to get back together or anything. All the reasons we didn't work out in the first place (him still being in the closet, and us living a good 45 minutes apart) are still there...but he plans to eventually move to Houston (versus the outer metropolitan area) and I think we've both always kinda thought, "we'll try again then." ...and I think we said that last night too. Only, thankfully for my conscious I specifically remember saying, "but obviously not if stuff works out with me and Ryan". And I mean that too. There's no way I would just dump Ryan (or anyone else) to be with him if he moved. I still feel like a crap-weasel though.
     
    Anyway, Ryan and I were supposed to go bowling tonight (read be bowling right now), only I cancelled because 1) I'm really tired, and 2) I'm really overwhelmed and I need to get my head together. It didn't help that while we were talking he decided now was the ideal time to try to define our relationship. So he asked, "Are we dating?" After some consideration I responded something to the effect of, "Well we're definitely going on dates, and I'm having fun, and I like you, but I don't want to rush into anything, and I think we should just keep seeing each other for a few more weeks and see where we stand and what we want then." And he seemed pretty happy and satisfied with that answer, which is a major relief.
     
    He's going away tomorrow for a long-weekend trip with some friends, so - and I know this sounds TERRIBLE but - I won't really have to worry about it till Sunday or Monday.
     
    And now Scott and William are trying to convince me I need to go out with them tonight (they've been calling/texting the whole time I was writing this)...and I guess I will because I feel like I kinda have to...even though I really just want to stay home and goof around.
     
     
    Take care all and have a great night.
  14. AFriendlyFace
    So William isn't moving to Kentucky after all. Predictably, his relationship didn't work out. Honestly I'm just so relieved it ended before he moved. Of course this aborted relocation doesn't change the fact that he and Scott have to move. The house they were renting is being sold. Originally the landlord was giving them till the beginning of the summer, but after all the stuff with William likely moving to Kentucky, and Scott and Luke deciding to move in together everything was pushed up and they now have to be out by Wednesday.
     
    Of course this kinda sucked for William because he still ended up without anywhere to live and he's dealing with the break up, AND he's being sued because of a car accident he was involved in last year. So rough times for him...except as I believe I've mentioned before the boy is resilient as hell. He's completely irrepressible. I swear he makes me seem like a chronic sad-sack. So he's pretty much already bounced back. He's back out there going out and having fun and staying open to new relationships, and he's already found someone to represent him in the legal case. He's also found a new place to live which he moves into Sunday. In the meantime he's staying with his parents. I have to hand it to him, the guy's got coping mechanisms like I've never seen before!
     
    Unfortunately things with he and Scott aren't really fixed...of course William doesn't know that because Scott won't talk to him about it. He thinks everything's fine, but Scott's pretty much planning, or at least expecting, to lose touch with him.
     
    These last five days have been insane! After work Thursday Scott and I went to a group we belong to, then a bunch of us went to dinner, then we all went club-hopping. Friday was Luke's birthday, so after work Friday was spent doing the fancy dinner thing. Then we all went to check out the new loft he and Scott are moving into, then a few of us stayed behind and played games.
     
    Saturday he was having his actual 'party' which was a paintball party. Have you guys ever done that? It's fun, you run around obstacle courses on two separate teams shooting each other with paintball guns. It does hurt a bit though and I ended up with quite a few very nasty bruises. One shot actually tore a hole in my shirt! I bruise very easily, but I also heal pretty quickly, so they're already looking much better, despite the fact that the activities of Saturday evening, all day Sunday, and most of today could only have made them worse.
     
    See, as I said Scott and Luke are moving, so after the paintball party (which Scott predictably wouldn't play in - he's not really the type so he just watched) we went and helped Scott move the majority of his stuff to the new place. Of course most of this fell on me because I'm the only with a truck and also the strongest and fittest. I also had to drive about 20 miles out of town to where Luke currently lives to help him move his bed and a few other essentials because he wanted to start staying in the new place right away.
     
    Sunday evening we had our usual church affairs, then lunch, plus another organization we belong to, then we resumed moving the rest of Scott's stuff and going shopping with Luke for a few new things (which of course we then had to unload ).
     
    Today I actually got to sleep in, which was awesome because with all the other activities I wasn't getting much sleep. Then I had to go to court for a couple of tickets I got a couple months ago. I got one for a burned out headlight and another for not having proof of insurance with me. I did have insurance, but I'd forgotten to put the new papers in my truck so all I had were the expired ones. Anyway it all worked out rather well. I got to court and there was an INSANE line, but I made good use of it by catching up and chatting with a bunch of people on the phone, and texting quite a few others. So by the time it was actually my turn I felt like the hour and a half (which I suppose isn't that bad in the first place given the 8 hours I spent at the DPS last year) had actually been quite productive and fun. It all turned out well too, since I was able to show the correct papers for my insurance and a receipt for a new headlight both tickets were dismissed and all I had to do was pay ten dollars in court cost
     
    Anyway, then I had to go and meet William, and help him move a few of his larger items to my place where he's keeping them until he moves Sunday. He'd moved the smaller things to his parents already, and gotten rid of quite a few things, but some stuff he couldn't get in his car and didn't want to take all the way out to his parents (they live a good 45min to an hour out of town) just to have to move back in a week. So yeah, he's keeping them at my place. Which is fine really, I have enough space that with some rearranging it's not too cramped and it's only for a week. Also, moving with William was so much easier than moving for Scott and Luke. See Scott is tiny, short and very smally built. He's also asthmatic. Luke's pretty sturdy but he's not in the best shape and he gets tired quickly. His new boyfriend 'John' ('Luke', 'William', and 'Scott' aren't their real names either, just names I've assigned them. I don't feel quite right about posting about them using their real names without their consent), was a great help, but also not quite as strong and very sore from the paintball party (poor thing, he looked like he was in pain just walking even without carrying anything). So as I said, most of the heavily lifting fell to me.
     
    With William it was completely different. He's a really skinny guy, but he's very strong, and very aggressive about such things, more traditionally 'masculine' than the others I suppose. So he actually insisted on doing all the heavily lifting. He also did all the arranging and organizing to make stuff fit (which was also my previous responsibility). So all I had to do was carry a few things, and grab the other end of a few more. Not bad at all.
     
    I'm still so attracted to William. I can't really help it. I know he'd be all wrong for me. I know we don't have enough of the important things in common, and in general I just can't imagine it working out, but I still think he's hot. Being alone with him all hot and sweaty in an empty house I really had to fight the urge kiss him. After all the stuff he's been through I really want to look after him too. The fact that he doesn't need me to look after him makes it all the more appealing. But, I shan't go down that road. He's a good friend and I have absolutely no doubt that we'd make better friends than lovers.
     
    In other news, I'm really liking John! As a friend of course. It was so much fun having him around, and even though we didn't know each other that well prior to Friday, considering that we spent most of our waking hours together Friday night, and all day Saturday, and Sunday, and doing 'camaraderie/bonding' type things, I really feel like he's now one of my close friends. He feels the same way considering that he sent me a text this morning saying as much. So yay for that! I got a new good friend. Which is so convenient considering he's Luke's boyfriend. I mean let's face it it's always easier to like your friends S.O's, and of course since they are seeing each other I expect it'll be very easy to see a lot of him. He's really as sweet as icing and pure as ivory. I mean this is one seriously nice guy. He's also deeply religious (attends daily masses), but not like all preachy/fundamentalist about it (in fact he didn't talk about it at all except for when we went to church on Sunday, which of course was appropriate), nor is he F-d up about his sexuality.
     
    He also happens to be the ex of one of my ex's the one who's possibly still in love with me(?). I guess that has the potential to be awkward, but it's not at all. I never actually saw them together, so again it's just like this fact that I know. Plus I'm both completely over the guy AND I still really like and care about him. So it's all good.
     
    Saturday night Scott was discussing William and he said, "the severs have been tied". I said, "huh?", and he casually repeated it. Eventually I pointed out to him that what he meant was "the ties have been severed", and he pointed out that he was tired and that I should leave him alone, LOL.
     
    It makes me very sad that he's severed ties with William, but I'm hopeful that William simply won't let it happen. I also know that I have absolutely no intention of losing touch with William despite what he and Luke may think, so he'll have to deal with it.
     
    Speaking of severs being tied I also spent a good portion of Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with 'former friend'. As I said, we run in the same circles. In fact he gave me one of my bruises at the paintball party, and I gave him a very nasty welt on his chest. I wonder if the fact that we shot each other is significant? It could be, but probably not, we were all shooting each other, and we played quite a few rounds. I was just as often on his team as not (and we didn't shoot each other when we were on the same team ). Anyway, as I long ago said I'm fine with him being around. He was the one who couldn't stand to be around me. Considering that he did it four days in a row (granted he had social obligations but still) I'm a bit sanguine that perhaps our own 'severs' might be 'tied'. Of course at this point they're probably tied with something akin to wet spaghetti, but nevertheless it's a start. And I have to admit despite everything that's happened I still enjoyed his company. So I really don't want a close friendship with him again, but I'd like a more comfortable, casual acquaintanceship with him.
     
    The five of us, me, former friend, Luke, John, and Scott are going to some beach house of one of Luke's business associates this coming weekend (which means depending on when I get back Sunday, William may not be able to get his stuff till next Monday, but he's okay with that). So I'm hopeful that spending even more time together will be good for us. I'm actually kind of concerned about him though. Originally his best friend and the guy's boyfriend were also supposed to come and that would have provided him with a nice buffer, but now they probably won't. Whereas my two closest friends (Scott and Luke) will be there, and so will John who as I said I'm starting to be close with. So it kinda sucks for him and I don't want him to feel left out. I've noticed he has a tendency to shrink into the background when I'm around anyway. Probably because I'm louder and more social and he just doesn't want to get involved directly in the same conversations if he can help it. Still, Luke, Scott, and John are all good friends of his too so I suppose he'll be fine, and if it all works out perhaps the severs will be tied.
  15. AFriendlyFace
    So life goes on, the world turns, and predictably young gay males find themselves surrounded by drama. I think it's just the way of things. Only I just really want to sit this round out. I mean I always try to avoid drama anyway, but quite often I get sucked into my friends' problems and thrown into the middle of things. This time I'm just NOT going to do it.
     
    Things with William and Scott are continuing to get worse. I can't even mention William's name without Scott making a sarcastic, bitter remark about him leaving. Luke is siding with Scott and actually told me straight out last night that he'd 'black listed' William I mean what the hell? Cut the guy some slack! It doesn't matter if you agree with his decision try to muster a least a little support. The way I see it he's leaving soon and we should make the best of our time left not spend it sniping.
     
    Anyway, due to that position I'm the only one willing to help him load up his things and move, and I almost feel like Scott and Luke are pissed at me for doing that much. I also feel uncomfortably like Scott is making all this about him. He's pretty much just focusing on how this sucks for him and what he's going to do. He only seems sad about losing William in his life as sort of an after-thought. And while I'm also sitting here thinking he may be making a mistake, hoping I'm wrong, and wondering what he's going to do if it does all blow up in his face, Scott is practically taking bets about when it happens, and while I'm sure he will be appropriately sympathetic if/when the time comes I swear I suspect he's going to get this "I told you so" self-righteous feeling.
     
    Scott and I's own individual relationship is great though...but actually I'm starting to get paranoid that he has feelings for me again. He and his boyfriend broke up about a month ago, then for awhile he was 'talking' to this other guy and that didn't work out. He's just majorly bummed about the whole relationship/dating scene, and we've been having a lot of fun hanging out and he keeps telling me how much my friendship means to him - and his friendship means a lot to me and I always tell him that - and I just get the feeling he's entertaining ideas of us being a couple again. He once again brought the topic up. My reaction was honest albeit a bit weasely "I've just been really enjoying our friendship. Boyfriends come and go, but friends are more enduring and important." That's really how I feel about it right now too. I mean sure one day I might like to do the whole 'in love, life-partner' thing, but right now...I dunno, right now it just doesn't seem that tangible and it isn't something I'm especially yearning for either.
     
    The most random thing was when we were in the car a few nights ago and he was talking about how a good friend of his was being ordained in the Episcopal church. He was like, "he can marry us" I just sort of had a non-reaction to it and eventually he went on "I mean to whomever we end up with". But still... *note I have no idea if gay people can actually marry in the Episcopal church in the first place*
     
    Meanwhile Luke has been on this crazy, desperate tilt lately to find someone...and he seems determined to make that person someone from our circle of friends. If you remember me discussing 'former friend' from previous blog entries you'll know that the whole thing just sucked big time for all of our friends, and as crappy as it is it pretty much resulted in this big line being drawn down the middle and everyone splitting into two camps. This was further intensified when about a month ago (I remember because it was also the time he broke up with his boyfriend poor guy ) Scott had an almost identical incident to the one I had with 'former friend's' best friend. Basically the guy randomly sent him this text one day that was like "I don't think we should be friends anymore." I even feel slightly guilty because the whole thing is so weird where else would he have gotten the whole 'breaking up with your friends' idea but from what 'former friend' did? Anyway after that things got even more firmly divided.
     
    Luke's been sort of going back and forth or whatever and still hanging out with both groups. Well over the past couple of weeks Luke and 'former friend' developed an "almost" relationship which Luke carefully hid from Scott and I because he thought I would freak out or something, and he figured if Scott found out he would tell me...and he was right about the 2nd part, as soon as he finally did tell Scott, Scott was unable to avoid telling me (even though I really wasn't trying to make him when he hinted that he had something he wanted to tell me but couldn't). Anyway, the truth is I really didn't care, in fact I was very happy for both of them and actually thought objectively that it could be a really good relationship, and when he finally did tell me I was supportive and told him I thought it could be really good. Meanwhile Scott was actually having more trouble adjusting to the idea, but it all proved irrelevant a few days later when they broke it off :wacko: Which really did surprise me because I really did think it had a good shot at working out. Anyway, now Luke is being all bitter toward FF too, BUT he's now immediately trying to pursue another of their mutual friends and someone I slightly know and like (he's a nice a guy ), but if you ask me it's just sort of a desperation, plus because they were doing the whole keeping their relationship on the DL thing the other guy doesn't know that Luke and FF almost had a relationship (I know it's confusing, honestly I don't know what they were to each other). And as little as I know the guy I think it's a really bad idea for Luke to keep this from him because I think he will be upset when he finds out, and I think he will find out because I think eventually FF will tell him. I don't think he'd care that much if Luke were just upfront with him.
     
    Anyway, meanwhile Luke also seems to be trying to keep his options open. Scott told me he's convinced that Luke has feelings for him again. They're going to be moving in together after William leaves, and I guess Luke has been acting a little differently toward Scott, so I believe him. Also I actually suspect he (Luke) is starting to have feelings for me again as well. Last night the three of us hung out and Luke said something that ticked me off. He made this...not really racist but racially stereotypical remark, and that kinda trash really irritates me, and I was already sort of on a short fuse from other things that happened earlier in the day that didn't have anything to do with him, and so while under normal circumstances I'd have probably just told him I didn't agree with him and left it at that, instead I like went off on him and gave this big anti-prejudice speech. Anyway from then on things were just tense between the two of us and we kept having minor arguments all evening. Well at the end of the night we decided to watch this movie, and he suddenly got all cuddly and apologetic. And I actually was in a cuddly mood anyway, plus it was nice to be 'making up' or whatever, so I went with it, but I just got the impression from some of the things he said and did that it might be meaning more - or at least different - things too him. Basically I just feel like he's reached this point where he's essentially screaming "I can't be alone anymore!" and he's looking for anyone who can fix that.
     
    Anyway, after all that I was on my way home when I realized I had a missed call and a voicemail...it was an ex and the voicemail consisted of "I love you, call me back."
     
    So it was like 1:30 or something when I got that, so I didn't call him back I just sent him a text asking him if he was okay. Then when I got up today I called him and he didn't answer. I guess I'll call him again, because I do care about the guy, just not in that way anymore, but I don't really know how I'm supposed to handle this.
     
    Anyway, despite all this I almost feel like I'm not involved in all these things. Like I am just sort of watching it all unfold. Which is just as well because I really do feel like sitting this round out.
  16. AFriendlyFace

    Relativism

    By AFriendlyFace,

    Hi Everyone,
     
    This is from the Disturbing Trend thread in the Lounge that Jamie posted.
     
    I find this topic endlessly interesting so I decided to post my response in here as well. Hopefully you guys will let me know what you think about this topic!
     
     
    ___________________________________________
     
     
    **sigh**
     
    This is gonna be long...
     
    **enter the relativist**
     
    Well, despite the fact that I usually tend to agree with Jamie and Menzo, I'm going to have to vehemently disagree in this case. I am a relativist in all things, not just morality but it's certainly a big one. Personally, to me, anything less than relativism strikes me as intellectual laziness and quite probably closed-minded, judgmentalism.
     
    I can imagine very few things I think have an absolute right or wrong, and even the ones I can imagine I'm more tempted to ascribe to a lack of imagination on my part rather than an actual always right or wrong thing.
     
    Don't get me wrong though, I think a certain action can most definitely be right or wrong in a certain situation, it's just it all depends on the situation and not the action. For example Robbie (whose post I agree with the most thus far) said:
     
     
    And I would definitely agree with him. The action - sending the scientists to their certain death - isn't what makes the scenario right or wrong; it's the reason and the consequence, and in general other things inherent to the situation. Sending someone to their certain demise is usually wrong; however, in this instance I would say that it's right. Thus sending someone to their certain death isn't always wrong (only usually).
     
    If someone would care to argue that sending them to their certain death is wrong, then that's fine and that's your prerogative, but the way I would look at it they're going to be dead either way, so why not save the rest of humanity? Indeed, I would gamely go along with this reasoning if I were one of the scientists myself.
     
    One could argue then that really this does embody a great deal of utilitarianism and indeed I cannot really fault that approach insomuch as it manages to actually be a moral code. However, to me, it would be an incomplete moral code. Also, IMO, the moral codes described above all reduce to either a relativist frame of reference or an absolutist frame of reference, at least in general.
     
    To me relativism is infinitely appealing because for the most part I reject the concrete and embrace the abstract. Thus, science and facts (facts devoid of a story that is), are usually not things with which I want to occupy my mind. Occasionally, actually usually, I'll find a scientific fact fascinating, and I'll be glad I've learned it, but I'd never want to devote much of my intellectual time to them. Instead I prefer to ponder more abstract matters, to examine complex social/situational/contextual interactions and to speculate on their eventual consequences. In school I always more than adequate at the sciences and maths, but they largely disinterested me; it's always been the humanities, especially the social sciences that captivate me.
     
    Anyway, philosophically I find much of Kant, Nietzsch, Russell, and the rest of the gang to be utterly fascinating and to hold a great deal of merit. Though I don't necessary think they're "right", but then my whole concept of what is "right" (not morally, but in general), is pretty...well relative. To me two people who hold seemingly mutually exclusive views can be simultaneously and equally correct. Indeed:
     
    while I consider myself a very spiritually person and to a large extent religious even (I'm a Christian), my view point on the world's religions (which I sat down and hashed out when I was about 12 or so) is that due to God's omnipotence/omniscience/general "omni" nature pretty much all religions can be equally and simultaneously correct, as long as they hold moral merit and the practitioner firmly believes them. And I'm not exactly saying that's just with regards to general ethics and morality (and thus God/the gods would ultimately say "Well, you were a little bit off, but that's okay), I actually mean their right insofar as they have their own facts. In other words, in simple terms, my belief is that God can be the Christian trinity prototype AND the Jewish God, and the Wiccan Spirts, and...well you get the point. However, I don't think that means that I could just randomly decide to be a Jew or a Hindu, or a Muslim. I think Christianity is the correct religion for me, and thus may indeed be the only correct religion with regards to me. I think converting can be "right", but only if you're convinced your previous religion was lacking something (or had something bad) that the new religion makes up for, and only if you sincerely believe the new religion is the "correct" one (which I would qualify "from your current frame of reference").
     
    Anyway, Divine Command would never work for me, because I've always rejected religion as a grounds for deciding what's right and wrong. I think religion might play into the decision, it might be a good idea to look to the Bible or the Torah or any other religious document, but I think it's a huge mistake to pluck something out of these documents and say "ahh, you see, it's right in here! That's how we'll know". I think it's always a massive mistake to not take the context and culture of the times into consideration. YES, I agree that eating shellfish was wrong in the time of the ancient Jews, but it's no longer wrong in today's society. God had a reason for saying it was wrong back then (in this case I would theorize it had to do with sanitation and the likelihood of getting sick, but that's just my guess), but that doesn't mean the same thing is still wrong. I think morality should always be under constant review.
     
    Thus, I similarly disagree with the concept of mandatory sentencing. I think crimes are never identical so neither should the sentencing be. For example some assaults might warrant three years in prison, but some might warrant considerable more, and some might warrant considerably less, and I realize that generally the goal is just to set a minimum sentence and that this generally applies to repeat offenders, but I think even that is too constraining. IMO, the judges AND juries should have almost full discretion and the important thing is to choose competent judges and juries (and I know that often times they suck, but IMO we're trying to fix the wrong thing with mandatory sentencing).
     
    As for:
     
    This is far too scientific and impersonal to ever be something that would hold much appeal to me directly. As I've said I have enough trouble believing that there are universal laws in general, and certainly not with regards to principles or morality.
     
    As yet another tangent, I do very much believe in basic laws from a simplistic point of view. 1+1=2 in the most general, simplest terms, but really 1 and 2 are abstract concepts and can exist as sub or super groups of anything else. Thus I would agree that a stapler and a pair of scissors are two objects, and I wouldn't dispute that fact, but it would lack the intellectual significance necessary to know much about the situation and people involved (which to me is much more important).
     
    For example maybe you need a stapler, a pair of scissors, and a tape dispenser. In which case, to me, it's fine to say 1+1=-1, because you're lacking one of the things you need. Obviously mathematically one is supposed to set the equation up more like 1 (a needed object) + 1 (another needed object) - 3 (how many objects you need) = -1 (how many objects you're short). And of course math is useful in this way, and it's perfectly correct to look at it that way. But it's impersonal and doesn't get at the major issue with enough passion. The point is you have these two objects, but you're lacking a third, and if everything hinges on having the third object then 1 + 1 will always equal -1 (one object short on what you need).
     
    And that's sorta how I think about all scientific and mathematical facts. They make sense to me, I won't dispute them, but I'll always seek to make them slaves of whatever applicable value they have on the situation at hand, and I think they have little independent value on their own (actually I think any form of knowledge is always valuable in its own right, but I'm operating under two different concepts and definitions for "value" at the same time...which I can do because I'm comfortable breaking the normal scientific AND rhetorical (as well as "duh") rules that say a concept or thing can only have one meaning or definition at any given time).
     
    Similarly I can comfortably state that light gray is white and dark blue is black if, for whatever reason, I'm only interested in defining things in terms of either black or white (which obviously I'm never actually interested in doing when it comes to moral or intellectual matters, but "black and white" can have other merit independent of these).
     
    As for:
    Sure, like I said I won't dispute this one at all, but it doesn't give the full story and since I think "happy" and "sad" are completely relative anyway this is just a subset of relativism to me.
     
    I disagree with the definition you used. It's correct, but it doesn't tell the whole story, and it certainly isn't the extent of what I mean by "relativism". I do take individual cultures into account when deciding what's morally right for one person over another, but my overwhelming, guiding light, is what is right in the situation. Cultural aspects and individual histories play a role in this, but they certainly don't tell the whole story.
     
    I disagree because I believe that there are "moral truths", I just don't believe that there are universal moral truths.
     
     
    ...and that's what I think.
     
    -Kevin
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