Jump to content

AFriendlyFace

Author
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    7,467

  • Joined

  • Last visited

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by AFriendlyFace

  1. AFriendlyFace
    So I get to work today and notice that a women I work with, Pam, isn't there. Well I didn't think that was very odd because the last time I worked (on Tuesday, Wednesday was my day off) she was sick. So my boss is there so I greet him and say "So Pam's still sick huh?" and he looks flustered for a second and then responds: "No, I had to let her go. She kept giving Patrick a hard time about being gay.", then he added "but that wasn't the only reason anyway."
     
    So a little background. Patrick is my gay coworker, the one who's recently been questioning his sexuality (because lately he's found himself attracted to girls). Patrick was pretty much the first person my boss hired when he started his buisness. I'm next as far as having been there the longest, and Pam started a few weeks after me. Well Patrick and I both stayed at the original location in the beginning, whereas Pam's hiring coincided with the opening of the newer location; so she'd always worked there. Well about a year and a half or so ago Patrick transferred to that location, and he and Pam's arguments and disagreements were well-known. Pam is not tolerant of homosexuality, nor is she an especially tactful, mannerly person.
     
    Anyway I'd always gotten along fine with her for the most part. I mean I didn't approve of her attitude, nor was she really one of my favourite people, and I always sympathized with Patrick, but she did have a good side. I mean I really think she was just ignorant and conservative etc. But she could be quite nice, and she was almost always (until the last week or so) very nice to me (as far as she knew I was straight,,,and I actually often got the impression she was flirting with me). So I mostly just minded my own buisness. She and Patrick even developed an odd sort of working relationship. They argued all the time, and she really did say dreadful things to him at time, but he's a really sweet guy and nice to everyone. And like I said she could be quite nice too. So they were often very pleasent toward each other, she'd occasionally give him a ride home, he'd bring her some candy or other treat that she liked, and in a strange sort of way they almost seemed like friends. Of course that was only about a quarter of the time, the rest of the time she couldn't handle the fact that he was gay and would get quite rude, and he'd purposely push her buttons, and on bad days I spent the whole time listening to them complain about each other. Of course I personally sided with Patrick most of the time, and always made it clear that I didn't have a problem his sexuality, but for the most part I just stayed out of it.
     
    So anyway I transferred there at the beginning of the semester because my school schedule is really crazy this time and I can barely work enough hours, and I'm only available at weird times. I dare say if I hadn't been there so long, and wasn't one of his favourites, my boss wouldn't have been as helpful and flexible with my schedule. So anyway I wasn't too thrilled with working there because even though I mostly stayed out of it, I wasn't too comfortable around the homophobia. Also, while I still had no intention of coming out at work, I was no longer really "in" either. Well about a week or so ago Patrick commented how cute this guy that had just come in was (Patrick knows I'm attracted to guys), so naturally I went and checked him out Well it seems Pam noticed, and while I'm not entirely sure it wasn't just me being paranoid, it didn't seem like she was being quite as nice to me anymore. So I was getting a little tense around her as well.
     
    So Tuesday she was sick, but apparently Wednesday she was back and on a "rampage". On her bad days she's a little Bit*&Y to everyone. Well it looks like my boss had had enough, he'd always been fond of both she and Patrick, but clearly was on Patrick's side. However, Patrick had always made it a point NOT to complain, and to keep it personal between them. So I don't know if she finally crossed a line or what, but apparently it was enough. And according to a seperate co-worker quite an ugly confrontation went down with Pam and Patrick and our boss (and to a lesser extent the other co-worker as well; it seems Pam was trying to bring everyone into it). So anyway naturally the rumour mill was running in over-drive. And while I'm not sure I'd put too much faith in it, I heard that Pam actually had a gay son she'd disowned, and when anyone asked her, she'd say she didn't have any kids. Which of course totally sucks if it's true . I probably would have had alot more time even putting up with her before if I'd heard that
     
    Another rumour which was once again voiced is that our boss' daughter is a lesbian and that's why he tends to be so supportive of GLBT's. In fact I'd say we've definitely had more than the normal percentage work at the store. We've had 2 gay guys for sure (and at least 2 others that people wondered about), 3 lesbians (2 of which were a couple at the time ), at least 2 bisexuals, and one transgendered. In fact a couple of years ago I was working with one of my favourite co-workers, Jeff. And we were having this conversation:
    Me: you know that girl that always comes in, Nicki?
    Jeff: Yeah
    Me: she tells me she just applied to work here?
    Jeff: Oh really, she's very nice, kinda cute too.
    Me: Yeah she is, but you know I think she's a lesbian
    Jeff: OH,... well that'll probably help her chances of getting hired!
     
    She did get offered the job too by the way, but ended up taking something else. Anyway I'm really not sure about the rumour about our boss' daughter. I'm somewhat inclinded to believe it though, I've met her a few times and it seems possible, also a couple of the friends she was with when I met her were clearly gay. So it's definitely a possibility, but then our boss really is a nice guy and whatever his flaws, prejudice doesn't appear to be one of them.
     
    Anyway it's ashame that we spent most of the day gossiping, but I guess it was bound to happen (...and it was fun, lol). On the bright side, as selfish as it sounds, it's one less thing for me to worry about. I still don't plan on "coming out" at work, I mean there's really no point I'm leaving in less than three months and I wouldn't even start dating anyone before I go anyway. So I just don't think it's particularly relevant, especially to some of them that I'm not even as close with. But at least there's no one left who'd I'd expect a bad reaction from. LOL and I can check out whomever I'd like now without worrying about it.
     
    Anyway take care all and have an awesome day!
  2. AFriendlyFace

    Flirting

    By AFriendlyFace,

    So I've been wanting to write an entry about this since Valentine's day, but I kept getting distracted with other things. If you happened to read my pre-Valentine's day blog, "A dozen long-stem Artichokes", you'll know that my plans for Valentine's day included hitting a gay club in a nearby city. So I did. It was fun, I'd been to this particular one, one other time, and there were definitely alot more people there this 2nd time.
     
    So I walked in and started hanging around by the bar. Soon I spotted this really cute blonde with spikey hair. So I meander over and stop a couple of feet away from the group he's with, intending to catch his eye and initiate a conversation. Well just as he looks up and I smile, this other guy comes up from my left and taps me on the shoulder. Now I'm sure everyone knows how difficult it is to hear anyone in any kind of club, so in order to hear what he was saying I had to lean in very close. Of course while this guy was "attempting" to have a conversation with me (I still couldn't hear 60% of what he was saying)I'm sure it looked like we were "together", and about a minute later my cute blonde walked past us. He did smile and sorta brush against my shoulder though, so that made me happy. Anyway I didn't see him again for the rest of the night.
     
    Well this over guy was perfectly nice, and I'm sure he didn't intend to thwart my plans so of course I was friendly to him. Unfortunately he really wasn't my type. I felt awful, here's this perfectly nice guy hitting on me, and I'm just not interested. Anyway after a bit I said I needed to make a phone call and stepped into the back area, and eventually onto the balcony. Well I'd hardly turned around when I saw him again, seems he'd followed me from inside. By now he knows I'm unattached because he asked "who'd you call, your boyfriend?" and I responded that I didn't have one and it was just a friend. Anyway I really didn't know what to do, I wasn't interested but he really did seem like a nice guy, I couldn't just reject him. So I kept chatting with him.
     
    Now the thing about me is, I like to have conversations, and I smile alot, and I guess it could even be said that I've got a naturally flirty personality. So even though I realized it was probably a bad idea to keep talking to him, and thus leading him on, I didn't know how to just "walk away", and even though I really was just trying to have a pleasant, non-flirtatious conversation, I clearly sent the wrong signals. The next thing I know he's being really sweet and telling me how handsome I am, and what a great smile I have....which of course only elicited more smiles, and a few "payback compliments" (I couldn't help it ) So by now I stop and put myself in his shoes, and realize that I would definitely think this was going well, and that I'm just making it worse when I finally do leave. SOOOO.....I faked a phone call from a phony ex-boyfriend, pretended to have a very upset, emotional conversation, and then hung up dejectedly. I said it was the same guy I had to call earlier, and that we'd broken up recently, and how he was all upset because he was alone for Valentine's day. I said I was worried about him and had to go. Which he seemed to buy, he tried to convince me that I shouldn't worry about him (fake exboyfriend) anymore, and that I should worry about myself, but I said I still cared for the guy and had to make sure he was ok.
     
    So then I left. And what really sucks is, I really did leave, I mean I couldn't stay at that club obviously, and even though there were a couple others around it, I didn't want to risk him seeing me. So I went home. But I guess it's for the best anyway, as I said I don't want to start a relationship now when I'm about to move, and I wasn't looking for a hook-up. All I really wanted that evening was some fun, and yes flirting, which I did get. So all in all I have no complaints I guess. The problem is though, that I need to figure out how to avoid these types of situations. I need to be able to just not get entangled with people I'm not interested in. I mean I feel bad even saying that, it makes me sound awful and superficial, but really there was nothing wrong with the guy, he just wasn't my type. Besides it's not just guys, girls too.
     
    A few weeks ago at work this new girl started and she was very candid with her intent, and I still found myself flirting back with her. I don't know what my problem is. I mean I know on the one hand I just like a little harmless flirting, and most of the time it is harmless, but every now and then I realize I may really be getting the other person's hopes up. Then on the other hand, I know I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It's like if someone's nice enough to flirt with me I feel like I should flirt back...I dunno it's messed up I suppose. So this girl had quite a few piercings, and she said: "all together I have 14 piercings", and before I could stop myself I was smiling, raising my brows and saying "well you'll have to tell me where they all are sometime." I was kicking myself as soon as I said it, but at least I was able to get away with the pretense of having more work to do (and I was really glad that at least I hadn't said " show me where they all are sometime"). Anyway in her case it worked out because she ended up getting fired within the first week and a half, but it was getting to the point that I almost felt like the only decent thing would be to ask her out so she didn't feel rejected. Of course I know that would have only made it worse too; that's the problem I keep digging myself deeper and deeper in because I don't want to offend anyone, ....but then I just keep getting deeper and deeper in
     
    The first time I went to that particular club was almost as bad. The first guy was giving me his number before I could leave (and while I felt bad I did manage to not give him mine), then later on I was....ehh propositioned . I really don't blame myself for this at all. All I did was look at this drunk guy and smile briefly (I smile at everyone if they make eye contact with me), and he just brazenly walks/stumbles up to me, and while alternatively puffing smoke in my face and swigging alcohol, flat out tells me he wants to suck my...well you know....Anyway I was scandalized, but could I just act indignantly outraged and storm off? Nope, instead I found myself trying to gently tell him I wasn't interested in casual sex (I left out the part about "if he were the last drunk, chainsmoker on earth" ).
     
    So basically I want to be able to freely pursue the people I want to pursue and gently let the others down. Ummm HOW? What do you do if your approached by someone you're not interested in at a bar? I mean how do you just walk away from somone who's trying to hit on you?
     
    Anyway if anyone has some advice I'd really appreciate it. I'm chronically bad at saying no. Not just with stuff like this but in general.
     
    On the bright side I really think my cold is getting better. I'm still congested, but my throat doesn't hurt anymore....My voice is doing that weird sick thing though, but I kinda like it so it's all good Anyway take care everyone and have an awesome day!
     
    Kevin
  3. AFriendlyFace

    My Nose Knows

    By AFriendlyFace,

    So I was in the shower the other day when all of a sudden my nose started bleeding. Which really isn't a big deal. Ever since I was a young child I've had nosebleeds when sick. So I mean it doesn't really phase me at all. I hate it because it's messy and gross, but it doesn't upset me at all. Anyway it's been better the last few years and as I said I almost never get them unless I'm sick. And when I do it usually does happen randomly in the shower. I guess it's the heat and humidity, I don't know. Of course I guess that's a good place to make a mess anyway. So, getting back to the point, I was suprised it happend because I was thinking, "how odd! I'm not even sick"....then the next day I started feeling stuffy, and it's just gotten worse since . I guess my nose saw it coming (which is a very odd image). Still I think I'm doing well all things considered. I was even still pretty energetic today. Last night I went and got some Tylenol Cold, and it seems to be helping. While I was there I debated getting this new OTC med. which is supposed to be a really great expectorant -- which of course reminded me of a joke. I read it in Reader's Digest's My Planet column (I love that column!), anyway it went like this (roughly):
     
    "When you walk down the cold medicene isle it's easy to be overwhelmed by all the options. They have "cold relief" medicene for people with stuffy noses, and then a little further down they have "nasal decongestants" for stuffy people with stuffy noses."
     
    ....it was much funnier the way that she (Mary Roach) had phrased it.
     
    Anyway I got this awesome brownie sundae on the way home! I've decided to give up chocolate for lent! (wish me luck) So I figured I'd splurge a little before it's too late . It was SOOO good. And my favorite girl was working. She's really nice and she makes them so well, always just the way I like it! And she's really friendly we always have a nice chat when I go in. She's friends with that gorgeous red-headed guy that I kinda thought was gay but wasn't sure, so I didn't flirt with him, then later I saw him with a boyfriend. Anyway she's great. The other person who usually works there is this older lady, who isn't as great (though I think she may actually be the owner). Anyway she's like never in a good mood. And I try to chat with her and she talks but she just makes me feel like an idiot for even trying. Plus she doesn't make the sundae's as well! She doesn't put enough toppings, she seldom bothers to warm up the brownies, and she puts the ice cream in an order I don't like as much. And I know it sounds like I'm being silly about it, but I often go with Coressa (a friend from work), or she'll go on her own, and she agrees with me! In fact she doesn't even go in sometimes if it's that lady working.
     
    One time when I went there was this adorable blonde boy working. He was so hot! And very friendly, and just really cute and cool. He was literally like running back and forth across the store -- and there wasn't a crowd so it's not like he was hurrying, he was just lively-- anyway I like exuberant people. I was having this awesome time flirting with him, and I really think he was flirting back too. Anyway that day I'd ordered a blueberry snowcone, but when he gave it to me it was PURPLE, which I thought was odd, but I was so distracted by HIM that I didn't really consciously process it. Anyway I went home and as I was taking like the last bite of it, it finally hit me: "This is grape!". And I know he knew what I ordered, I mean we were talking the whole time he was making it, and at one point I'm pretty sure he said "blueberry right", so after I thought about it somemore I was thinking that I was probably supposed to come back and be like "hey I think you made me the wrong flavour", I mean it woulda been a pretty good way to get me to come back right away so we coulda talked more...plus it was purple; I mean isn't that like some sort of discrete hint or something?? Anyway it didn't work because I'm such a space cadet! Of course it's his fault too for being so cute . It sucks though I NEVER saw him in there again....I guess he didn't work there very long.
     
    Anyway my mom bought me the extended verison/special collectors edition thingy of Chicago last night. And there's supposed to be a deleted musical number on it! So I'm going to go watch that and have an early night.
     
    Take care everyone and have a really awesome night!
    Kevin
  4. AFriendlyFace
    I don't get flowers. I mean obviously I don't get flowers since A) I'm not in a relationship and B ) even if I were I don't think guys recieve them that often. However, by "get" I didn't mean "recieve"; I actually meant "understand". I don't understand flowers. Oh, I get that society has attached a special significance to their reception from that special someone, and as such I would be thoroughly delighted to recieve flowers from a boyfriend. Yet, all of the pleasure would be derived from the "thought" and not actually anything intrinsically about the flowers themselves.
     
    I'm hardly a "practical" kind of person, I mean perhaps to some extent, but I definitely don't have a problem with the light and frivolous things in life. In fact quite literally the frosting is my favorite part of a cake. "Austere" is just not an adjective you would apply to me. So you'd think something "pretty" and thoroughly "decorative" would indeed delight me. But no. I like nature; I like to see flowers in their natural environment, but I don't find it that appealing to cut them down, slap them in a vase of water, and leave them out on my table until they've wilted. So Friday when I stumbled upon long stem ARTICHOKES at the produce stand (Wow I really love that place!), I was completely amused. I mean here it is almost Valentine's day and they're selling "long stem artichokes". Now there's a gift that would make my day/week if I recieved them from someone special. 1) They're delicious, and one of my all time favourite foods 2)They're the perfect parody of the "long stem roses" 3) They actually show much more thought and would be much sweeter when given to me than would the roses (considering my great affection for artichokes and my general indifference toward roses). But of course no one's going to be buying them for me this Valentine's day. So I bought a few myself. Oh well maybe next year right?
     
    Anyway onto the whole Valentine's day topic. I'm quite looking forward to it! I'm going to thumb my nose at Valentine's day this year. I'm going to do some of the "traditional" stuff, ALONE, and I'm going to enjoy it! I'm going to come home from work around 5:00pm. Get in a nice, hot, bubble bath (with moiturizing bath beeds ). Sit and soak for awhile, shave, wash my hair, and exfoliate - all the while enjoying a favourite CD. Then I'm going to get out and dry off with my favourite towel (yes I have a favourite towel; leave me alone!), then I'm going to rub lotion all over, then I'm going to fix my hair, then I'm going to get really dressed up. Then I'm headed over to a nearby city, where I plan to eat in a restaurant I've never been, and then shop for awhile in a store I've never been to. Then I think I'm going to hit a gay club or two. I mean there's no point really. I don't want anything "casual", and I'd really be hesistant to get into a relationship with only 3 months until I move, but I think a little flirting will be fun. Anyway that's my plans for this Valentine's day.
     
    As for Latin, well I took the test. I got an 89.5 (highest B possible) which completely pleased and satisfied me, BUT I do think my prof. was disappointed. He put this question mark by my grade, I could just imagine him shaking his head and saying "tsk, tsk" while he did it. But oh well, I mean a B isn't THAT disappointing, heck it was quite a pleasent grade as far as I was concerned.
     
    As far as Spanish, well I'm rather pleased with that. I got off to several "false starts" with it as I struggled to find the right program and regimen but now I really seem be moving along nicely. First I bought this audio course with 12 CDs and an accompanying book, which seemed pretty good but I didn't like the choices of words and phrases they were focusing on first, and it was too difficult to keep rewinding it "just a bit" to rehear something. So I returned that, and started looking for stuff online. I tried several "sample" things but didn't really find anything that promising. I think what I'm looking for is something specifically for the computer that would be an interactive program. Not just something which followed a set script but would adjust itself according to me, and something that would "quiz me". I also DID want something that had a book. So I wanted something that was audio, visual, and interactive. I also wanted something extremely comprehensive. Couldn't find this. So I ended up just checking out a bunch of stuff from the library. I got ALOT of books, some on grammer, some on useful phrases, some that look like actual spanish textbooks, and various "specialty books"; specifically about nouns or verbs or whatever. I also got several short Spanish audio courses. Anyway I definitely feel like I have enough material to keep me busy. I've also been practicing with two of my bilingual co-workers - which realy is helping the most, I mean after all what could be more "interactive" than an actual person. Anyway all in all I'd say it's going pretty well.
     
    Anyway I'm now going to go and have a nice hot bath and dye my hair a rather lively (though still humanly possible) shade of red. I thought it would be fun for Valentine's Day. Besides this is the longest I've had it its natural colour in the last 3 or 4 years, so I was bound to get bored with it eventually. On the other hand it's starting to grow on me, it seems I even have natural highlights......unless that's just still left from before, but I don't think so....but maybe I guess......uhh anyway, won't matter, all gonna be red soon
     
    Take care everyone and have a truly teriffic and awesome day! I hope everyone with a S.O. has a really amazing and romantic V-Day, and bonds even more. Everyone without a S.O. I hope you all have a great V-Day anyway and don't let it bring you down!
     
    Kevin
  5. AFriendlyFace
    "I always thought I'd be a mom
    Sometimes I wish for a mistake
    The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
    You seem like you'd be a good dad
     
    Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
    How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
    A selfish kind of life
    When all I ever wanted was the simple things
    A simple kind of life "
     
    ~A Simple Kind of Life by No Doubt
     
    For someone who's so basically completely unconventional and who prides himself on his individuality and creative expression; it's disgusting how entirely I've internalized the "picket-fence life".
     
    **Sigh**
     
    But I have. I know it's stupid; I know I still have plenty of time to have kids; I know I'm still young, but the truth is people have been telling me these things since I was about 17 and my "biological time clock" first started ticking. It's been much better the last year or so actually. Oh I still look at children with a huge feeling of longing; I still imagine significant moments in my child's life. But, by and large, I haven't been as worried about it lately. But then I was relistening to some of my older music and I heard that song. I got to thinking: "I really do wish for a mistake sometimes". Literally, I've often fantasized about how awesome it would be if I'd just been a young teen parent, and now had like a 6 year old. I mean I know it would have been tough; I know it would have made school all but impossible; I know it's not really the best thing for the child. But I guess there's a selfish side of me that thinks somehow, with the help and support of my family and friends, I could have gotten through it and if only I had now I'd have this kid!! And I wouldn't have to worry anymore. I wouldn't have to wonder if I'll ever find a partner who wants kids. If they'll ever legalize gay marriage. If they'll let us adopt. If I'll be able to get through the mountains of paperwork and complications which would undoubtedly arise when a child has "two dads".
     
    Here's something I'm not particularly proud of: I almost decided to "write off" being gay so that I could seek out a regular heterosexual marriage and have kids. All my life I've been consumed with two ideals. The value of a romantic, happy, loving relationship, and the value of having a child. It's tough when these two ideals seem to fly in each other's faces. But it wouldn't have been fair. It's just plain stupid and short-sighted to wish I'd made mistakes (teen-pregnancy, bad marriage) which have torn so many people's lives apart and made it WORSE for the kids. Also I have to quote Monica from Friends in her season two finale speech: "I really want to have kids, but I don't want to have them with someone who doesn't really want them". (I'm paraphrasing but that's the gist of it). So it's stupid. I know I could never have lead some poor girl on, or been so selfish that I'd just get her pregnant for my own warped agenda. In the end I couldn't treat people like that, and the guilt would probably be too great anyway.
     
    Besides, I really do like my life the way it is, and I love my freedom and independence. It's probably a really good thing that I've them right now; being young and "free" is also something I would have always wanted. Besides, I'm ever the optimist. Someday I'll find someone teriffic who wants kids, and by then gay marriage and adoption will be common..........or maybe we'll just all move to Canada and live happily ever after
  6. AFriendlyFace

    Language Overload

    By AFriendlyFace,

    Well my first Latin test is tomorrow. I'm really rather concerned about it. Mostly because I don't think I'm that ready for it AND because now I feel like I'm going to disappoint my professor. But it'll work out, I'm going to study a little bit more before bed and hopefully it'll be enough. On the bright side he's allowing us to use our Latin dictionaries for the test. Which is awesome because, truth be told, I never bothered to learn my noun endings (something I should have done at the beginning of the FIRST course, this being the third). He also tends to emphasize verbs alot more than nouns. Also good because I'm much better with verbs. So anyway I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope for the best. Heck I should at least PASS this test, and I can worry about passing the remaining three after that, and when it comes down to it just getting through this class, graduating, and getting on with my life is really all I'm concerned about with regards to Latin.
     
    In other news I've started yet another story (which I'm sure I won't finish). I was pretty excited about it, I was thinking I'd do it with one chapter from the one character's POV, then the next chapter covering pretty much the exact same stuff only from the other character's POV. But it really is unlikely that I'll actually finish it. I think of ideas and things I'd like to write about all the time, but I never seem to be able to sit down long enough to write them.
     
    I've also, finally, begin reading "Eats, shoots and leaves" I can't believe it's been out so long and I only just got it and started reading it. It's quite good. I'm a pretty good "punctuator", but like everything else, I tend to filter my punctuation through a lens of creativity which suits my own personal taste and style. For me nothing's ever completely black and white, even comma usage. I mean if I want a comma "here", to better convey the way I personally want to speak, pause, and break up my sentance; well I'm just going to put one! But it's still a delightfully fun book to read, and I suppose if I were going to publish something I would follow the conventions (as I do when I turn papers and stuff in). I also had an enjoyable time writing this short paper for my Literature class. If they're short and opinionated -as was this one- (I thought I'd start playing with dashes in the spirit of ES&L ) I quite like papers.
     
    To get to the crux of this post, I've also decided that I want to learn Spanish. No I've decided that I WILL learn Spanish. I've got my mind set on this one; I'm going to learn Spanish! So I bought this box course thing that had 12 cds and a work book with it, and I did a little bit of the first cd, but then I decided I didn't really like the way this course was presented and I ended up returning it. Unfortunately after I returned it and checked out the other course available at that store; I decided I might have been best off with the first one. So right now I don't have a course , but I did find a pretty good Spanish website. Anyway if anyone knows of a really good, very comprehensive Spanish book/website/cd/dvd whatever. Please let me know! I don't actually have time to take a course at my university since this is my last semester. Also I'd rather do it on my own, for myself, as fast or slow as I like and without any formal evaluation. So I'd much rather do it with one of those Spanish training courses you see on TV (at least I'm guessing they still advertise for them, to be honest I haven't watched TV for several months). Anyway I'm looking for something that would start me off at the most basic level but progress to a very high degree of proficiency -and ideally fluency- by the end. I'm not looking for anything for "travel" or "business"; nor do I want any of those "Learn Spanish in your car" or "Learn Spanish in 10 minutes a day". I want something indepth. So does anyone have any recommendations?
     
    Anyway take care all and have an awesome day!
    Kevin
  7. AFriendlyFace

    Thank You

    By AFriendlyFace,

    I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone who reads my blog and offers support and advice, to all the great people I've met in Live Chat, to everyone I so enjoy interacting with on the message boards, and in general to the entire GA community, be they actively vocal or a silent reader. This is a great place and I've met so many amazing people here. I could never thank everyone enough for the kindess, support, and good times you've all given me, nor could I say enough in praise of Myr and GACs for keeping everything running so smoothly. And I DEFINITELY can't begin to thank the authors around here enough for the quality art they create, which has not only kept me delightfully entertained, but also given me new hope and courage. So my humble appreciation goes out most sincerely to you all.
     
     
     
    So today was good. It was very nice weather, I'm completely over that amazingly brief cold, and I had quite a bit of fun.
     
    My second class of the day is Latin, and I pretty much go to the bathroom before and after every class. I drink ALOT of water, I usually figure a minimum of 20 oz an hour with at least triple that for meal times. So anyway I was in the bathroom (lol gotta love stories that start like that) and I ran into my Latin Prof. (his class was next). So anyway I say hi and start to leave but he stops me. And he askes me if I'd spent alot of time reviewing before I got in the class or something, and says that I'm doing REALLY well and he's really impressed. So we have this nice chat while walking to class, during which he just keeps on praising my performance. So of course I was really pleased. There's just one problem. I SUCK AT LATIN! I really suspect I'm one of his weakest students, not one of his strongest. I'm in the 3rd semester, but I still haven't bothered to learn my noun or verb endings. The only reason I seem to be doing well is because we haven't had a test yet, and the quizzes haven't been that hard, and I've just been studying a little bit for them the morning of the class. I also have a tendency to speak up in groups/crowds etc. I don't know why, just the way I am. So anyway I do answer questions often in class, but that's just because this is actually my SECOND time doing this stuff, I dropped the class last semester when I had it with a different Prof. So I remember alot of the stuff (at this point, in about 3 weeks It'll all be new to me), and I'm not shy about answering. Anyway so now I'm worried about the test coming up on Wednesday. See I try to live up to my own expectations and the expectations of the prof/my classmates/family/friends/whatever. But in the case of Latin I was perfectly willing to just make any passing grade and get the heck out of there. I seriously wouldn't mind making a D, I mean it's my last semester and it can't really impact my GPA that much. But now that he thinks I'm good in it...........Crud! I feel obligated to try.
     
    Anyway so next I had lunch. I believe I've already mentioned before about this place on the 3rd floor of our Union that I just can't get enough of (it was in my post "The Cherries aren't the only thing Jubilant"). So this semester I've been going there pretty often, at least twice a week. Well I'm always raving about the place at work. So today I arranged to meet two of my work friends there so they could try it. They picked a great day too, the menu was awesome today! And they really enjoyed it. I also insisted on treating since I was the one always talking the place up. I love buying people stuff!
     
    Anyway I had work in the afternoon. It was good today, everyone was in a good mood. You guys remember me mentioning my friend/coworker, Patrick? Who was gay and worried about the fact that lately he'd been attracted to girls as well? Well he's in an interesting situation. He's got this guy who just asked him out to a superbowl party, that he's interested in and might start dating. BUT he's also got this girl he interested in, and wants to ask out. The guy is a blonde dancer/gymnast, and sounds HOT. Well lets face it I've got a huge thing for blondes, and gymnasts always seem hot. The girl is this sexy red-head he knows through friends and went out to eat with the other night. She sounded pretty attractive too, and they both sound like cool people. He DOESN'T want to try to date both at the same time ( ). He just can't make up his mind which one he wants to pursue. Personally I'm leaning blonde gymnast, but I kinda think it would be good for him to date the girl, I mean it's something he's been wanting to do for awhile, and it would probably do him good to explore that side of himself. Anyway I'm just proud of him for being open-minded about his attractions and feelings. When another co-worker overheard us though he had some explaining to do......I think he "went in" today .....llol but of course everyone was cool (if not surprised) about it.
     
    So I've made a decision. I have ALOT to do with regards to school, looking for a job, getting everything in order for the move, plus continuing to work. And I've been spending WAY too much time online lately. So I'm going to cut back. So hopefully, while I'm not "leaving", you guys won't be seeing quite as much of me for the next couple of weeks. I think I'm going to only allow myself to check this site ONCE a day, and for no more than an hour or so.
     
    Anyway take care everyone and you all ROCK!
    Kevin
  8. AFriendlyFace

    February

    By AFriendlyFace,

    "February made me shiver with every paper I delivered,
    bad news on the door step,
    I couldn't take one more step"
     
    Well it's here. The month I literally dread all year. I'll just go ahead and say it now; February sucks! ALOT! I'll explain.
     
    Two Februarys ago it was pretty much the worst time of my life (thus far). Why? Well tough to say. I know in general I was feeling extremely lonely and pathetic, but there probably wasn't much of a tangible reason. Of course that's what makes it stand out as a period of "semi-depression", if I had a specific reason (unless I let that reason spiral into depression), it woulda just been "I was grieving because ___". Anyway I guess all I can offer in the way of an explanation is that February is always the time school gets tough, it's when all the classes start having their first tests (usually at the same time), and it's just stressful. It's also more hectic at work around that time, and it's kind of a dreary time of the year. I don't think I have seasonal affect disorder (S.A.D.), but my mood is a tad susceptible to the weather. Then of course there's Valentine's day. I was living with a very happy couple, another friend came and stayed with me for about a week so he could be near his girlfriend (and of course they both ended up staying over), and in general it seemed like everyone had someone. And not just romantically either I felt like in general I was drifting away from all my friends, being replaced by S.O's or just different, new friends.
     
    So yeah I felt really stressed out, frantic, lonely, and isolated. I also realized how messed up and deep my inability to express negativity went. Everyday I'd get up and go through my day with a nice plastic smile on my face, laughing and joking with everyone, then I'd come home and cry myself to sleep. Don't get me wrong about 90% of the time that I seem happy, I really am, just not always. I just really hate expressing sadness in front of people, though I have made huge progress and can do it much better now. Anger's much worse though, I still can't be openly angry at someone. I have gotten to the point where I can tell everyone else that I'm angry and why, and I've even started to be able to not actively pretend to be happy when I'm angry, but I've still got a ways to go. So anyway back to that February; it sucked and I pretty much wouldn't let anyone know. I finally got over it by being honest and accepting support. I've really never had any problem at all accepting support, and I'm one of those people that WILL talk about his problems if you ask. I do WANT to talk about it, I guess I just want people to figure it out and ask me on their own, but of course that's not really fair or sensible if I'm going to go around pretending to be fine. I mean people don't just stop and ask someone who seems happy
    "so are you really miserable underneath it all?"
    "why yes I am! I'm glad you asked."
    So anyway I finally just told some of my friends, and made a few efforts to compact it into one or two tidy little "things". Like I convinced myself it was because of Valentine's day (which I'm sure in part it was but I doubt that was all of it), I also convinced myself it was because I'd run out of vitamins (yeah really wacko and unlikely I know). Well when Valentine's day arrived I decided "that's it I'm going to get over this". So I dressed up, took myself out to a nice restaurant, then went shopping. And it pretty much worked.
     
    So you'd think that would have taken care of it right? Well no. See since I'd made it all about "February", the next year I'd kinda "psyced" myself out for February sucking. Of course it was nothing in comparison. And I'd made it a point to tell everyone I was at all close to about the last February and my general "February unhappiness", so I had alot more support. But I still pretty much managed to make it the worst month of the year.
     
    So this year was going to be different. I'd had a really good January for the most part, and I kept telling myself "February isn't going to get you down, you've got a lot of positive momentum going, you'll be fine". I also reminded myself that I was probably making it suck myself, looking for stuff, just starting out in a worse mood etc. So I was going to be fine. Then today happened.
     
    It's a long story, but basically I had a lousy day. And I delt with it in a very unhealthy way. I was so stressed out that I just came home and got drunk. The worst part it, that was pretty much the plan. I just didn't want to think about the stuff that was going on anymore, so I actively sought an escape. So I had a shot of tequila and drank two pitchers of Strawberry Margaritas. I had it all planned out, I got ready for bed BEFORE I started drinking, so that all I had to do was just brush my teeth and pass out. And I did. But escapism never really solves anything does it? I slept great for about three and half hours then I woke up slightly nauseous and a tad dizzy and tossed and turned for two hours trying to go back to sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about all the garbage I was trying to escape in the first place.
     
    So this is plan B. I'm into the whole "it's theraputic to write or talk about it" so that's what I'm doing. I'm also going to have a really nice, hot, long bubble bath when I'm done with this, then try to go back to sleep.
     
    So I guess what bothers me the most isn't the "problems" anyway. It's me, it's how I deal with it, it's how I "cause" it in the first place. I mean yeah today sucked, but I know on one of my good days it wouldn't have bothered me at all, or very little. I straight out sabatouged my own day, I knew I was doing it, and I still couldn't stop myself.
     
    I also really hate how even the people I'm really crazy about can hurt me, and I still can't TELL THEM. I can whine to everyone else, BUT the person I actually have the problem with......But then it's usually because I get upset about something so stupid or minor in the first place that even I know it's completely unreasonable and stupid, and how am I supposed to argue my side if I'm not even on my side? I mean I guess I could try it from a feelings POV.
    "when you did X, it made me feel Y, and even though I admit that X is minor it's still bad because it caused me to feel Y"
    "Ok so if you know X is trival and that I didn't mean to upset you, WHY are you feeling Y?"
    "uhhh, I dunno."
    Then it's really stupid because I don't usually get upset over something more serious anyway. Probably because that's the kinda thing people notice and apologize for right away, and that's really all it takes for me to get over something.
    "gee I'm sorry I got mad and shot you 5 times, I really hope they can save you"
    "aww that's ok! Don't worry about it. I mean everyone loses their temper sometimes, and you were probably just grumpy today."
    "so you're not mad?"
    "no no,it's fine really. Don't worry about it"
    OK so maybe not that extreme but you get the point, the phrase "I'm sorry" (if uttered sincerely) fixes most of my hurt feelings. Of course there comes a time when I'm thinking "No, it's not enough that you're sorry, try not hurting me in the first place, Jerk" But that's only if the same person keeps doing the same thing. If it's an isolated incident and they really are sorry, it's all good.
     
    So I guess the other problem is that I decided to just get drunk instead of dealing with it. I knew I shouldn't, but I convinced myself "well it's all stupid anyway, and if you can just stop thinking about it, it'll be fine.". But that didn't work, I seriously thought it would too! I guess it coulda been worse. I mean I've never had any real trouble with drinking. I don't do it often, I do it in a safe environment, and I'm a happy drunk. I was even happy tonight. I was laughing my butt my off. I've also always made it a point to never drink if I'm upset or not happy in the first place. I mean I know enough about addiction to know that's a bad idea. I think THAT'S what I'm most disappointed about. That I purposely broke my own rule (not to mention my New Year's resolution, but whatever). Still, it obviously didn't work anyway so I doubt I'll be doing it again anytime soon. And I AM proud of myself for not just going to the casino or eating a chocolate mountain or something. I mean those are more "real" and threatening problems for me. Well anyway I'm going to have that bath and try to go back to sleep. I think I do feel better now. And all I have to do is keep reminding myself that just because it's February I don't have to be unhappy. **sigh** I'm going to have to remind myself of that ALOT. LOL I doubt anyone got through this long, whiney, rambling entry in the first place, but if you did thanks for listening, and even if you didn't I did it for me anyway.
  9. AFriendlyFace
    I think one of the main reasons I like doing stuff for myself, and all around being independent, is because growing up people always took care of everything for me. Don't get me wrong it was absolutely great, and I DID try to watch and learn for myself, but when it came down to it most of the time all I had to do was smile and say "please" and "thank you".
     
    See as I've mentioned in previous entries. I grew up an only child with my mom and grandparents. Well everyone knows how grandparents tend to "spoil" kids, and my mom was an older mom, and very attentive. So I did get quite a bit of attention. I don't really think I was "spoiled" because if there's one thing I always prided myself on it was being polite, friendly, pleasent, and generous. But I definitely got used to expecting good treatment from people. My friends were the same way. I don't know if I just had the personality of a kid who was used to being taken care or what, but most of them fell into the same pattern. I remember my first grade teacher saying to someone after he'd tied my shoes "well the reason Kevin never learns is because you all do it for him."....of course at the time I was a bit miffed that she was discouraging people from tying my shoe, but she probably had a point.
     
    In middle school I had a little "entourage" of friends and classmates who used to follow me around, laugh at all my jokes, etc. I really don't know why. I guess I was fairly entertaining. In High school it was much the same. I drove, but my friends usually just took me places because I was known for having a poor sense of direction, and not liking to drive. At parties they were always there to take care of me when I drank too much, and actually I seldom even had to worry about getting or paying for the alcohol, I just had to show up. I went on lots of fun trips with my closest friends. Most of the time people would take notes for me in class and I'd just xerox a copy, since I had such a lousy handwriting. And I clearly remember when we were about to graduate and I was talking about going to college somewhere else, my two best friends said to me "well you're going to have to live with us so we can look after you".
     
    Of course this makes me sound very selfish and helpless. Which I really wasn't. I was the one with the emotional/social skills who could make people feel better, cheer people up, or saying something funny. I also didn't have much of a sense of "property" my attitude with even my more casual friends was always "just help yourself to anything I have." And I always did quite well in school and often helped people with their homework, I was also good at "teaching" people in a way that they'd understand. And I was blessed to be part of a very nice group of people where most of the guys were very "fatherly" all into looking out for everyone, fixing stuff etc. and the girls were very "motherly", into taking care of everyone, and being supportive.
     
    Also in general I always attended friendly, nice schools. Oh there were cliques, and goodness knows alot of gossip, but pretty much anyone could go right over to any other group and just start talking to them without being harassed. Don't get me wrong, many people didn't like other people, but the reasons were usually personal, and mutural. In most cases, if you had enemies you'd made them yourself.
     
    Anyway the point of all this is that I didn't have a tough time as a "gay teen". Of course I wasn't out, and wouldn't have considered it. No, I liked everything quite the way it was thank you very much. But I didn't actually feel "isolated" or "uncomfortable". I was always pretty self-assured, and never gave a flying F%#@ about public opinion. If there was one thing I did learn from my mom, it was that society, religion, and politics were all far from perfect, and intelligent people had a responsibility to question accepted "facts" for themselves and decide if they made sense. And I did take an active stand against bigotry. My friends tended more toward racial intolerance, though sexual and every other type of intolerance in general were also common (I mean it was the deep south), but I was always the one who did the talking when we were around minorities, and frequently made it a point to remind them "be nice", "so it's not hurting you", or "there's nothing wrong with that". I also made it a point to get to know people who were "different", they were usually the most interesting, intelligent, and often loyal people anyway. People knew where I stood, and occasionally when they were mad my normal "clique" would say stuff like "YOUR friends" or "THOSE people you hang out with", but they didn't bother them. So as arrogant as it sounds I always pretty much figured if I was gay and society at large didn't like it.....then society was just stupid.
     
    Anyway I've been checking around, doing some research, and finding alot of sad facts and statistics. I've read some very sad stories about gay teens who ended up killing themselves. It's tragic. I hate how bad some people have it. I hate how bad some people on this site have had it. And I wonder; what can I do? SHOULD I continue with psychology and become a therapist and try to help people feel better emotionally, on an individual level? Or should I become a sociologist and help bring the issues to the forefront by doing and publishing studies. Maybe try to manipulate social thought into a more accepting atmosphere? Maybe I can help as a writer? Perhaps I could try to write something with large market appeal that would also portray homosexuality in a positive, sympathetic light? Also what can I do NOW? I don't have alot of free time, and I'm a little strapped for cash, but maybe I could do some volunteer work or something once or twice a week?
     
    I just don't really know. I'm not the activist sort of type. In reality I'd find it much too difficult to risk offending someone, even if it were for a good cause. I'm not blunt or outspoken. I'm not affriad to speak up, but I can't help trying to present everything in the "softest, least likely to offend" manner possible. And I'm the sort of person who would freak out if I did hurt someone's feelings. "oh my gosh, I've just upset the fundamentalist.".........probably doesn't make for the best "warrior", but if there was something I could do to just be supportive or helpful in general, that would be great. I don't know, does anyone have any ideas?
  10. AFriendlyFace
    So today sucked!
     
    Let's see where to begin? Well first off I text messaged, then eventually called and old (very dear) friend of mine, Claire. I could write pages on end about the complicated, but awesome sorta past we've had, but to get to the subject at hand; she broke up with her girlfriend, Mary. They'd been dating about two years now too. And actually they were one of those examples of "a happy gay couple I knew in real life". I dunno after hearing all about it, I guess it's for the best. But the thing is it's still really complicated. See my friend is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. So basically the entire time they were going out, she was supporting Mary, she paid all the bills etc. Well when they broke up, she basically just went ahead and let her stay. Then to top it all off, she moved, and Mary moved with her. I mean I guess it isn't really any of my business, but they're broken up, I get that they're still really close, and that's awesome, but I think the least she can do now is start pulling her own weight. I don't know though, I guess if I put myself in her shoes.....I'd have trouble kicking out an ex too, especially if he didn't have anywhere to go, and we hadn't broken up badly (apparently their break up wasn't that messy). But I do think I'd have said something along the lines of "OK so now that we're not together, you can stay till you find a job and a place to live, but then you're on your own, just let me know if you need help".
     
    Well anyway the story doesn't end there. Mary's ex girlfriend Pam (from before Claire), is apparently moving back to the state. And planing to move in with them! Pam is in love with Claire it seems, and while Claire likes her as a person, she's doesn't feel that way (Plus, obviously that'd be complicated). Well Mary now wants Claire back, and Claire thinks it's because she's worried/jealous about something happening with Pam and Claire. Pam's solution to all this is what really depressed me about humanity. "why don't we all be together?" Some kinda three way relationship or something. I shouldn't criticize I know, but a monogamous (two person) relationship, is a value I hold rather dear. Anyway Claire, rightly, pointed out that was crazy and there's no way she'd go in for that (go Claire!). It just upset me that that was a real "viable alternative" or whatever. And it also upsets me because I feel Claire's totally getting the shaft here, and she's one of my all time favorite people. Then I'm also upset because they pretty much were the last "successful" gay couple I knew, so I guess I'm disillusioned.
     
    I guess it doesn't have anything to do with being gay anyway. Straight couples face problems with cheating and lack of commitment too.....but uh...that really doesn't make me feel any better. I mean monogamy does exist right?? Actually I still know of a few successful cases firsthand (in the straight community).
     
    Anyway moving right along. Something's wrong with my knee and I don't know why or what. It just hurts to touch it, but I can't see a bruise. My shins are killing me, I think I'm developing "shin splints". And this morning, Lucky was running along side of me, so I had to walk closer to the wall than I wanted to, to avoid stepping on her, and I scrapped my toe against the corner part of the wall. So yeah my legs aren't doing so well right now.
     
    I get plenty of sleep, but still had a really tough time getting out of bed. I almost just skipped my class, but instead I rushed and made it last minute. Then I got to work and everything just went down hill from there (note the saracasm).
     
    When this semester started, I transferred to a different location. Well today the owner tells me he's decided to promote Kim to manager (the position vacated by my transfer). This sucks because Kim's the one I had the complicated, conflicted relationship with at work. And like the last week I was there, she thoroughly ticked me off with a homophobic remark. Someone was talking about a movie (no not Brokeback) and It was something like "As long as there's no gay stuff, it's so nasty when guys kiss". Of course we already weren't getting along that great, but that didn't help. So then I find out that my remaining close friend over there, Coressa, is having a really tough time with Kim. We were good friends, and I suspect alot of this is, at least indirectly my fault. Plus she told me Kim's been talking about how nice it is that I'm gone, which in all fairness I'm really happy about not working with her anymore too, but still. Anyway the worst part is that the owner is more or less on Kim's side, and there's no one to stick up for Coressa. I tried to put a good word in for her, but there's very little I can do not being directly involved anymore. So anyway I think this is bothering me the most, because I feel all sorts of guilt and responsibility about this, which I could, and maybe eventually will explain, but I don't have time right now. No right now I must go sit through the most boring class I have this semester. Oh yeah I'm running late too
  11. AFriendlyFace
    I was trembling.
     
    I'd carefully avoided it all day, but now the withdrawal was getting stronger. My nerves were shot. I couldn't stop pacing. Thinking back I realized that I couldn't pinpoint the exact time the addiction started. At first it was something I only did occasionally. Maybe as a way to celebrate, or after a stressful day. Then I gradually began to need a fix everyday. I'd promised myself those days were behind me now. I'd even told everyone that, that part my history was just that, history. Yet at this moment, I knew it was hopeless to even contemplate continuing my night unless I had just one more hit......one more and then I could be free.
     
    It was late, and cold. Only a junkie would be going out on a night like this. I shrugged and tried to dismiss the thought as I hurriedly left my apartment and began my lonely walk. Oh I knew all the places to go for it. I eventually settled on a location not too far from home. Sure it was risky. There was a greater chance of someone I knew seeing me, but I didn't think I'd make it if I had to go further......they all thought I was clean now, and that was fine with me.....besides it was no one's business but mine.
     
    I'd walked fast; I was there before I knew it. I had second thoughts. Perhaps I can fight this. Maybe if I go home and can just get through this night, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel will be in sight........no, no I couldn't resist, not this time. And anyway I was already here.
     
    He knew what I wanted as soon as he saw me.
     
    "Back again I see" He stated with a smug, self-satisfied smile.
    "yes, yes" I replied, fervently anticipating my next fix.
     
    I bought more than I needed. This much would probably last a typical person a week and a half at least......I'd be lucky to get three days out of it.
     
    I quickly paid and left. Eager to make my way home and get the relief I so craved. The walk home was a blur. I remember wrestling with myself, forcing back the urge to just stop right there and get reacquainted with the bliss I so desperately longed for. I wanted it....No I NEEDED it......not here though; no not here.....too many prying eyes.
     
    Eventually I made it home. After fumbling with the lock I finally slammed the door behind me and breathed a sigh of relief. My deliverance was at hand now.
     
    I took out double the standard amount......I was no greenhorn by any stretch of the imagination.
     
    And then!
     
    OHHHH what ecstasy! What a sublime ride I was now on!
     
     
     
     
    The next few minutes are hazy. It was all gone almost before it started. The only thing I can say for sure is......
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    God I love chocolate!
  12. AFriendlyFace
    ***so this probably won't really be very interesting to anyone, but I still wanted to post it just in the general "journal" sorta way people do, ignore it unless you've got extra time on your hands or think I'm a much better storyteller than I'm guessing I am.***
     
    So last night I was just getting into the shower. I'd adjusted the water temp. and I pulled the stopper up on the faucet to turn on the shower stream and......the little plastic washer thing that blocks up the water and makes it go up into the showerhead fell out. It seems it's worn out and nearly torn in half. So I turned off the water, laid down on my back and got my head under there to have a look. I think I can fix it if I have a new washer thing, it's just a matter of finding the right one, getting some needle-nose pliers, streatching the washer wide enough with the pliers to get it over the big plastic thing and all the other junk that's on the inside of the faucet, and then scrapping it off with some sort of hook or something, and into place around the bottom of the stopper. Sure I could just call the maintenance man, but that would be like admitting I couldn't do it on my own. Plus no telling when he'd show up, probably when I'm not home. I'd be worried about the cats getting out if he left the door open, and I know they'd get into the bathroom and mess stuff up after he left. Plus in general I think it'll be fun, and it's something I should be able to do. I replaced my sink fixture a year or so ago, and I've fixed countless toilets over the years, so a little plumbing isn't beyond me. Now I just need to run over to the local hardware store and see if I can buy a replacement washer.
     
    So classes are going okay I suppose. I had a completely dreadful night class on Thursdays "Industrial Psychology", I had to take it because we have to have a certain number of hours from each of the several sections, and it was either this or some horrible reseach methods class or something, and anyway I like night classes in general. This guy went on for two hours about the history of industrial psy., which probably isn't that riveting to begin with, but in his emotionless monotone it was even worse, anyway at the end of two hours he says "I know I gave you guys a quick history but...." and I'm thinking "NO you really didn't!".
     
    Anyway my other night class on Wednesday night, advanced child psyc, is with a much more interesting prof. It's funny I also took regular child psyc. and adolescent, those two with a different prof, and I only took them because she was really cool and fun, and now I'm only taking this because this prof. is really cool and fun (I had him for abnormal,,,actually adv. child psyc. is another class I pretty much had to take, or take something awful, but this one I kinda wanted to take and think I'll enjoy). By and large I'd have to say that psychology and sociology professors are usually pretty cool people, but occasionally you get a dull "normal" one, and it just sucks the fun right out.
     
    Anyway I also have a sociology class, I think it's an advanced study of society or something, it seems pretty good. The prof. sounds like the classic old Southern gentleman, but I think he's also got a pretty good sense of humour, so it probably won't be too bad.
     
    I'm also taking an introductory level English class, because I took like 12 hours of these Honours lecture/seminar things while I was in the honours college, which I thought I was going to use to exempt me from my remaining english requirements (I tested out of 9 hours). But apparently they're going to fullfill my history requirement, and some other requirement. Anyway I'm actually kinda glad, I like English and it'll be a chance to brush up on Bristish Lit. (which is the subject I selected). Besides it seems like it'll be pretty easy. This prof. is really neat, he seems EXACTLY like a prof. out of Harry Potter, and speaks with an exaggerated, diction and carries himself with an over-done pompous deportment. I'm pretty sure it's all for theatrical effect, and even if it isn't it's quite fun and fascinating anyway.
     
    I'm also taking an Anthropology class. I was so excited when I found out I needed another humanity that wasn't socio or psyc. I'd been wanting to take some Anthropology classes all along but didn't think I had the room on my schedule. Anyway this is a nifty class, and my prof. is this youngish, not at all bad-looking, Indian woman. I often find Indian women attractive, there's something exotic about them, and I dig the accent. Anyway she's really fun too (I loved the way she said "derogatory" today), the really neat thing is that when you answer a question correctly she throws little snickers bars to you, and it's a big auditorium classroom, so it's fun when she's aiming at someone like way in the back. And yes I did get a snickers ...probably largely because I kinda like speaking up in large classes, whereas it seems many people are reluctant, so even though there were a couple hundred people I (and the other handfull who answered), had less competition. Anyway she was talking about how people naturally embellish stories when they tell them, so for the sake of this story I'm going to add that whenever she threw us a candy bar, she'd hop up on the desk and dance provocatively, progressively removing an article of clothing each time.
     
    My Latin class is of course what worries me the most. I'm rather lazy about stuff that demands a good bit of time, and as such I got bored and dropped the 2nd Latin 3 times before I finally finished it (I was never even doing that badly, I just got tired and apathetic about it), and I've dropped the 3rd one once before too (I WAS doing badly then). It's funny the only two classes I've ever dropped are Latin and Biology, but I dropped them each A BUNCH before finally finishing biology and getting to this (final) point in Latin. Anyway I successfully completed the 2nd Latin last summer. And in this class there was this cute guy named Nick, who I thought was possibly gay I couldn't really tell for sure, I just kinda got a vibe (then again I suck at that sorta thing so he's probably a raging "Casanova" ). Anyway he was obviously very shy and quite so I didn't notice him right away until our seats were pretty routine so I didn't get a chance to talk to him. Well anyway I'm taking the 3rd one this semester with the same prof. and who should walk in on the first day of class but Nick! So of course he goes and sits in the back, but this time I'm thinking "well next time we have class I'll try to come in a little late (or almost late), see where he's sitting and make a point to strike up a coversation with him to see if I can tell one way or the other." So today was the second day of class, but I'm disappointed to say he wasn't there. So I don't know if he dropped it, or if he was just skipping. Only time will tell I guess. Anyway I feel kinda hopeful about getting through the class this time, I did pretty well with this prof. last time and we're on pretty good terms.
     
    Anyway on a side note I got a call from an old friend/coworker who quit about 6 months ago. He wanted to see if I wanted to go have sushi with him and his girlfriend and then maybe hit the casinos.....which of course I DO want to do, so that'll be fun! I can practically taste the edemame and hear the clank of the machines already!
     
    Well I've got about two hours before we leave so I'm going to run to the hardware store and see if I can get the washer, then I'm maybe going to go for a quick run. Take care and have a great day everyone!
     
    Kevin
  13. AFriendlyFace

    Next on the List

    By AFriendlyFace,

    So it's not going perfectly, but I gotta say I think I'm doing better with my New Year's resolutions than I usually do. I resolved to:
     
    1)Basically quit drinking except in very safe social situations. I mean I never thought I was drinking excessively, heck I think I only got drunk three times all of last year. I guess what was concerning me was that I really got to the point that I'd crave a margarita a couple of times a week, and if no one wanted to get one with me, I got to the point I'd just make myself one at home. I mean I don't think it was that bad, I wasn't drinking to escape anything, I just really like the suckers, and have the general attitude of "fine, if you don't want to do X with me, I'll just do it by myself" (I really like that I don't rely on other people to do something I want to do)....anyway I guess I just wanted to head off any potential problems.
    Results: haven't had a drop.
     
    2)Cut back on chocolate. I try to eat a healthy diet, but I'm a shameless chocoholic. I guess I primarily wanted to cut back because diabetes runs in my family and I don't want to get myself hooked on something which could cause problems later. Also while I'm pretty average in weight (probably a little slimmer than most guys actually, 30 inch waist); I could still stand to drop a few pounds so cutting back on chocolate couldn't hurt.
    Results: Blah, not so hot, I've probably only gone COMPLETELY chocolate free like 2 or 3 days out of the past 11. BUT I have CUT BACK, and also I had to eat all the presents people got me (well except for that watch ). Anyway I'm going to keep trying to gradually cut back until I've got it licked.
     
    3) I didn't actually resolve to start running daily, but I pretty much have. SO yay! and I think my diet has been better (and it was already healthier than most people I know in real life anyway ....except for the chocolate, we're just not gonna mention the chocolate. ). Anyway I've definetly been getting more fiber and protein and less sodium and sugar.
     
    So I also pretty much wanted to start living a fuller life etc. (see previous entries). I think that's actually going pretty well. I've still been making an effor to learn something new every day, to mix up my routine, and to worry less.
     
    In fact tomorrow I'm planning on going swimming! I can't wait, it's so exciting. It's basically feels just like the ice skating thing, I just hope it goes it well! Anyway I'm determined. Even if I do suck at it, I'm not giving up till I've got it, and I'm sure I'll enjoy it (I mean I've always enjoyed playing in the water :king: ), So I'm going to try to keep doing it too. And I'm also thinking after I finish that tomorrow, I'm going to call a friend of mine and see if I can get in some ice skating too....... I really don't feel comfortable with anyone I KNOW being there while I try to swim. I know it's stupid, but while I didn't feel like a doik (my own word ) for not being able to ice skate, I definitely do for not being able to swim. Also I'm really self-conscious about appearing bad at something most people can do well, so I'm thinking I need to practice alone for awhile before I let anyone see me. Heck I'm doing good to be going just knowing there'll be strangers there. BTW any swimming tips would be greatly appreciated. I'm hoping to just kinda do it instinctively (and from what little memory I have of doing it as a small child), but some pointers would be great. Like what do I do with my legs? Just paddle them? Or do I like kick hard while "reaching" with the corresponding arm?
     
    Anyway I'm going to run to the store and see if I can get some new swim trunks,,,,I have two old pairs, but they're both a little big, and I'm already going to be trying NOT to draw attention to myself, I don't think suddenly switching to skinny dipping would help very much .....though actually on a side note, I'm more comfortable with being naked from the waist down, than the waist up anyway. So the embarrassment would be purely social lol.
     
    Anyway take care all and have an awesome day!
    Kevin
  14. AFriendlyFace

    Old Tennis Balls

    By AFriendlyFace,

    You ever just find yourself with pointless clutter that you don't know what to do with. I mean you don't need the random objects anymore (if you ever did at all), but there's nothing wrong with them so you hate to throw them away, but then they're so random you don't really have a "place" for them.
     
    See tonight I decided I was going to thoroughly clean up my room, and ruthlessly throw away all the old junk I don't need. Then I'm going to my kitchen, and dumping all the stuff in my pantry I know I'll never eat/use. But there's just some stuff I don't know what to do with. If you can't tell, I'm a weird sort of person, I'm very impulsive when it comes to ideas, but not quite as impulsive when it comes to executing them (sure I could just describe myself as a "dreamer" but this why I get to be "impulsive" so humour me ). Anyway I always come up with these ideas like "I want to become a ventriloquist! Yeah, that'd be fun!",,,,then I realize "dude, it's not really that practical, it'll probably take alot of practice, and what are you ever going to do with it anyway?" So then I don't.
     
    Well probably about 8 years ago, I'm thinking it was when I was first entering High School, or was about to. I mentioned to my mom "I think I wanna take up tennis". So my mom, bless her, was always the type of mom who was really supportive of people taking up new interests, so she rushes out to buy me tennis gear. So I go once with a friend of mine, find out I really suck at serving, and tend to either launch the stupid ball into the next city, or fail to make it over the net at all, and never go back. Pathetic I know to give up that easily, but being the next Andre Agassi was never exactly a dream, just a whim. So anyway, now all this time later, I've still got old tennis balls on my shelf. I've moved 3 times since then, and have always taken them with me and tried to find "somewhere" for them. But why???? I mean it seems stupid to throw out perfectly good tennis balls, but what am I going to do with them?.......actually I have used them a few times when I tried to take up juggling ........maybe I should hang on to them.
     
    In other news, I actually did do the ice skating thing I talked about in my last post. It was totally awesome!! I loved it, I'm DEFINITELY gonna do that again. I was shocked too, looking at that little tiny blade I rationally thought "no way am I going to even be able to stand up on these things, yet alone SKATE with them", but at the same time I had myself all psyched up, thinking "you can totally do this, it'll be just like rollarblading, you're gonna be great!".......and I was! LOL 2 hours and I didn't fall once! Not even when I first started, and I didn't even hang on to the wall for an entire lap, I decided I just "had it" and went with it. Boy was it fun! And I was so proud of myself to just strap em on and get out there and just be able to do it! A friend of mine works in kinda the same area as the ice rink, and we made plans to meet this week and go, I can't wait (but while I do wait I'll try to find somewhere clever to put those tennis balls).
     
    I'm feeling pretty good about everything. Stuff's pretty much falling into place, and now that I've done the ice skating thing I'm really eager to go swimming. I actually considered going to the pool in my apartment complex this evening, but the water did seem kinda cool, so I just went for a walk/run instead. I'm also trying to eat right, and make sure I get a balanced diet. I think I was fiber and protein deficient before (probably not but they're the new thing in my diet to obsess about). I don't eat that much meat, in fact I'd say at least 2 or 3 days out of a given week I don't eat any at all. I mostly live on fresh fruits and veggies (which I think DO have enough fiber, but since they don't exactly put nutritional info on the side of an orange it's hard to be sure). So anyway I got this fiber rich cereal to start eating for breakfast, which I actually really like. And I bought these protein bars to have on days when I go meat free.....which I really don't care for that much. For lack of a better description they taste like wet paper bags dipped in cheap chocolate. BUT that just means they're really bland and unappealing, they're not exactly repulsive, so I think I can just suck it up and eat them when I need to.
     
    Anyway have a really awesome day folks! I hope you all find yourselves unbelievably happy and content. And thanks for the random facts everyone, I love learning about new things, feel free to keep them coming!
     
    Kevin
  15. AFriendlyFace
    So today was okay I guess. I was at work and around 11:00 I got this call from the apartment complex I was interested in, in Houston. Turns out they were doing the final bits of paper work, before they placed me on the "priority waiting list", and they had a problem with some of my information. Namely that I didn't currently clear three times the amount of rent per month. I of course politely said that 1) I was pretty sure I could afford the place on my current income because it's not that much more than I'm paying now, and I always have money left over anyway. I'm compulsive about saving and budgeting; I even opened an IRA last year Nevermind that I haven't actually started my real career yet, it's never too early to think about retirement right? And anyway 2), and most relevant as far as I was concerned, it was pointless to look at how much I'm making now anyway, since there's no chance I'll still be working there after I move anyway. And of course I should theoreticaly be making more in whatever job I do find, now that I'll actually have a college degree. But still the gentleman, who, while pleasent, sounded unnervingly like a recording, insisted that I'd still have to document evidence of other money if I wanted to get approved. So I got his fax number, and then proceeded to worry about whether or not I'd be able to sort this mess out the whole time I was at work.
     
    On the bright side one my coworkers (whom I hadn't previously mentioned here) said I seemed quiet and asked if everything was ok. She's really great, as well as being really fun and cool, she always notices everyone's moods. So anyway I felt a little better then, and tried to tell myself that I would be able to sort it out and even if I couldn't I'd figure something else out anyway.
     
    So then I went home and gathered some information (I'm also compulsive about keeping everything in organized files, so it wasn't that hard to locate). Then I headed over to Kinko's to fax it. Funny thing about this particular kinko's, I've only been there twice, once today and once 6 or 7 months ago, but neither time did I actually have to pay for anything (Just as well since obviously I need to start saving up for rent ). The first time I couldn't work the copy machine so the guy just did it for me and told me not to worry about it. This time I couldn't work the fax machine, so the guy (I'm pretty sure this was a different one, I'd have remembered this one ) did it for me, then for some reason, which I didn't quite follow, he told me not to worry about paying. It was some sort of issue with the register I believe. Anyway it was funny that neither time they actually wanted me to pay lol. And it was also cool getting free stuff from a cute guy.
     
    Anyway so I got home and called them back, and he said it would take a little while, while they ran everything and he'd call me back. So he did about an hour later and YAY! I was approved.
     
    So everything worked out O.K. And I had a nice interesting little thought. I really enjoy analyzing everyday expressions and stuff, and thinking about what they'd mean literally. So anyway I walked into the kitchen and Timmy freaked out when he saw me and ran out, probably because I'd just finished fussing at him for going into the bathroom when I wasn't looking (Timmy is one of my two cats by the way, I'm not just some kinda weird, really bossy roommate ). So I said "it's OK, you can be in the kitchen". And then I got to thinking "Be in the kitchen"; on the whole "To be, or not to be" "I think therefore I AM" sorta level, it's kinda like I was saying "It's okay for you to exist here", which of course is exactly what I was saying, it's just weird to think about. Then I realized "I AM in the kitchen". Then I thought "I've BEEN in Virginia". It just seems so much more philosophical. And it's like "I'll BE in Houston". Ok so that probably only makes sense and seems interesting in my head, but it was a nice little thing to ponder. Anyway have an awesome day everyone and take care!
     
    Kevin
  16. AFriendlyFace
    So I guess I'm turning into this huge cliche' . I've got all these plans for the new year, and how I'm going to get everything in my life straightened out and do better. First off I decided I didn't want to waste anymore of my youth. I figure if I'm not really healthy and active now, it'll just be harder when I get older (and for the record I'm not planning to even get middle aged until I'm AT LEAST 60 :king: ). So I went for a nice run around the neighborhood, and did some other random exercises, and went for a really long walk. Then a little while ago, quite randomly I decided to rearrange my furniture.
     
    It started off with me deciding to move a chair, the next thing I knew I'd moved EVERY piece of furniture in my living room, even the cats' litter box, and kennel. I really can't explain it, I'm usually pretty resistant to change, but I decided I wanted to try something new. I then proceeded to clean out my fridge, and clean up my kitchen. And in the process I even rearranged that (I moved all the appliances around). I'm not sure what to think overall; I mean I definitely think the kitchen is arranged better now. The living room, is.....Different, maybe better, maybe not, but anyway I can tolerate for the next 5 and a half months or so. My room still needs a good going over, as does my bathroom and closet, but that'll have to wait until tomorrow. Actually I think I MAY even rearrange my room a little. I need to change my bed and clean everything up anyway, so why not keep with this whole little trend I've got going.
     
    So tomorrow I'm planning to get up early enough to have breakfast. I never eat breakfast, I'm just not hungry enough when I get up, and I have so much trouble getting out of bed. But tomorrow I'm going to give it a shot. Of course the problem is I have to get up really early tomorrow for work, earlier still with these new plans I've got, and it's late now. So I won't get enough sleep . Which is obviously bad if I'm doing this healthier living thing. But I've been off for so long and slipped into sleeping and staying up late, so I guess I need to just suck it up and take this little sleep night, in order to get back in a good pattern. I mean I'll probably be tired tomorrow and go to bed early.
     
    As my final little change I'm going to try to go to the produce stand every other day, so that I can have fresh veggies every night. I mean I love them! It's just that I hate having to sit in traffic when I get off work to go buy them, and then I never feel like cleaning up the kitchen after I cook. But I'm thinking I'll use the traffic time to call random old friends and catch up. And I actually like to do dishes once I get myself to start, so it won't be so bad.
     
    Anyway I hope everyone has a really really awesome year, take care and bless you all (or good wishes, happy thoughts, whatever you go for )
     
    Kevin
  17. AFriendlyFace
    So contrary to what most people seem to be saying. I really liked 2005, it was a good year for me. So anyway I really like making "resolutions", in fact I know it's silly because I could really quit doing something anytime of the year, but I always look forward to New Year's and Lent so that I have an excuse to give something up. So I think I'm going to give up chocolate and alcohol for 2006. Both with a lot of conditions though. Like I have alot of chocolate right now, and I'm going to go ahead and "finish it" before I start, and of course it would just stupid and unhealthy if I had binged or something to get in before the new year. But I'm not going to buy myself chocolate anymore, if someone gives me chocolate (without me asking), then fine I'll eat it . And I may possibly eat it now and then in restaurants. But no more buying myself chocolate treats and just eating them at work or at home. As far as drinking goes, I'm going to make an exception again with alcohol bought with a meal, as long as I'm not driving and I don't drink enough to get drunk. So not too strict I know, but I figure hey it's a start right. Anyway I think for Lent I'm going to give up meat with the exception of fish (of course that'll just be for the duration of lent). I'm looking forward to that. So anyway wish me luck!
     
    Oh yeah and Houston went really well. I found an apartment, got a good feel for the city, and had ALOT of fun. So take care everyone.
     
    Kevin
  18. AFriendlyFace
    So Christmas was fun. I went and visited with my mom and grandparents, then my mom and I went to see my aunt and cousin (They're still not eager to mix with my grandmother ). Boy I'd forgotten how much fun my cousin could be! We played cards for awhile, hung out, listened to music, chatted. It was really nice. I also decided I got really lucky in the family department, and within the family for some reason (and I feel a little guilty about it), my aunt, cousin, and grandmother seem to treat me more nicely than they do the rest of the family. ......it's probably just because I'm a huge suck up! And of course my mom and grandpa totally rock in everyway anyway!
     
    So Yesterday was really fun too, me and Patrick (my gay work friend), went in and cleaned up and stuff and got everything ready, even though we weren't open today. Then we went and had Sushi (and Japanese liquor ), and hung out at his place for awhile with a couple of his friends. It was really nice. And I was quite amazed, he kinda "in-ed" himself . Turns out for last year or so especially he's been attracted to some girls. Which I guess shouldn't surprise me that much, I'm attracted to the occasional girl too, but he really didn't seem like the type! Anyway he was worried about it, he said in a lot of ways it was harder for him to admit to his friends than when he first came out. Apparently because he's always had a lot of gay friends so he just "fit in" that way, but now he's worried they'll be disgusted. But his other friend that was with us (this was before the 4th guy showed up), was like "no man, don't worry about it, there's a few choice women I'd like to sleep with too",,,,well whatever, I'm not into the whole casual sex thing, but it was really nice and supportive of him so I was glad. And of course I took the opportunity to partially out myself and be like "yeah really, there's LOTS of guys I find really attractive, like the guy at the coffee shop earlier". He went and pick up coffee before we went to work, I of course didn't get anything since I don't drink caffiene, but anyway there was the CUTEST, gay, redheaded dude working. LOL we were both flirting with him, and once we left I'd even commented that he was cute and I liked redheads, and we had a nice chat about gaydar (heck even I picked this one up). So anyway it was really fun, and while we've always been friends I definitely feel closer to him now, and it was nice meeting his other friends. But I think the 4th guy was hitting on me alot, and he wasn't really my type. I'm usually happy when ANYONE flirts with me, but if they're too forward with it and I'm not interested I always have trouble figuring out how to not lead them on, or seem rude (if it's casual I just always flirt back). There's this girl a few shops down who often comes in, and occasionally I go there. Anyway she really makes me uncomfortable. I don't even like the way she flirts, I can't explain it, she acts like i'm the one flirting with her (Which ISN'T true), I think she's one of those girls who likes to treat guys badly and watch them drool.....LOL but I ain't drooling.
     
    So then today was pretty good too, I didn't get enough sleep last night and I was kinda run down. Anyway my dad called to wish me a late Merry Christmas. We'd missed each other's calls on the actual day. So I didn't really like the conversation that much. He's a college prof. himself, and he's been bugging me to start applying for grad. school since like the summer (ok not really "bugging me" since I've only talked to him like three times in the last 6 months, but still). So anyway I'm basically 90% sure I'm going to MISS the deadline for the school I want to go to. Which I think I kinda wanna do anyway because I want to take a year off and just work and get used to the city (and hopefully find some really great guy to fall in love), so the last couple of conversations I'd just dodged the specifics as much as possible, but today he backed me into a corner so I was like "well if I miss the deadline I'll just reapply the next year". Which I guess coulda gone over much worse, but I still definitely got the impression that wasn't what he wanted me to do. Anyway I feel like such a jerk, but I gotta say my gut reaction is that it isn't any of his buisness. I haven't lived with him since I was 2, I saw him maybe twice a year until I was about 13, then MAYBE 3 times since then. Which is really fine, I've always said I grew up with three parents (mom and grandparents) this way, NOT one short. And it probably sounds like it, but I'm not at all resentful, he paid child support and stuff, sent birthday and christmas gifts, called periodically, and I really am sure I always had the option of going to visit him more if I asked for it. But while all that's really not a big deal, I just don't feel the need to "impress" him. But I've got that stupid "I can't stand to disappoint anyone" thing going, so I still don't care for the situation.
     
    So anyway he also put my seven year old half sister on the phone for awhile (I have two half sister 7 and 5, the last time I saw them, was when the 7 year old was 2 and the baby,,,,was a baby). It seems she's painfully shy now and basically started crying because he was making her talk to me. Which sucks because (1) I love kids (2) I really do regret not knowing the two of them very well (3) it's always sad when you make little kids cry. But we did finally manage to talk a little anyway.
     
    Oh yeah and then I got a haircut! WOW! huge difference, I bet they cut off 5 or 6 inches in some places. When I'd get out of the shower my hair used to come down to like my mouth (dry it didn't of course, and I usually combed it to the sides a little). Now I've got the boring shortish cut everyone's got, I can't even cover my ears anymore . But I said I wanted a change, and actually I have to admit I like it, for pretty much the first time EVER I was thinking today after I'd gotten it cut, that I liked the shape of my face. Still I think it makes me look more serious (which I wasn't going for), so I guess I'll have to do some extra smiling to make up for it .
     
    Anyway that's my life in the last 3 days, and of course tomorrow I'm going to Houston! I can't wait,,,and I won't have to, I've gotta leave in like 9 hours, and honestly I wanted to spend all that time sleeping . Have an awesome day everyone and take care!!
     
    Kevin
  19. AFriendlyFace
    So let's see the last couple of days have been really good. Yesterday at work we exchanged gifts. It was great I got this really nice box of truffles (MMMMM), a watch (which I love), a book (which I'll read sooner or later), and random other goodies, and I think everyone liked what I got them too. Anyway then after work I hung out with a friend of mine (and also gave her, her Christmas present, which she really liked), We went to Wal-Mart for awhile because she needed some stuff for a trip she's taking soon to visit her "special friend" (she refuses to call him her boyfriend since they live so far apart) in Ohio. She wanted thermal underwear, and apparently they didn't have it for girls at Wal-Mart so we were in the men's clothing section anyway.......yeah can't get me around clothes these days without me buying something. But it was actually really frustrating I kept seeing stuff I wanted but then they wouldn't have it in my size! Like I saw a pack of black undershirts (OK I know that's not exactly new or really cool, but it hadn't occurred to me I could buy them by the pack, I'd just been buying random black shirts and wearing them underneath), anyway I wear small shirts (especially undershirts), but they didn't have any, and I think they only had like one or two packs of mediums even. Then I saw this other shirt I really liked and the smallest size they made was large.....I mean what's the deal?! Amazingly I was able to find a new pair of black pants in my size though, which I'll probably wear to that New Year's Eve, eve cocktail party I got an invitation to the other day. Yeah it seems the preppiest girl from my elementary school (yep we're talking K-8 here), is hosting a cocktail party. Anyway it should be fun to see everyone again, and I'm sure the food, and atmosphere will be great. Of course I'll have to be on my best behavior (and most closeted lol), but I always like dressing up and visiting with people I haven't seen in awhile. Oh so anyway then we went back to her place for awhile and visited, it was nice.
     
    OH yeah so the point of this blog. I was proud of myself because my apartment was a complete disaster area, since I've been kinda busy and haven't felt like cleaning up; plus I had like random Christmas presents and wrapping supplies strewn all over the place, and I hadn't showered yet since I'd come home from work and needed a shave. BUT I still invited my friend over! That's a major breakthrough for me lol. See I am a product of my background, and growing up I was always very aware of the message "everything needs to seem perfect!" So as a result I always stressed about having everything just so and looking just right. I also developed several nifty little anxiety related problems. Like random weird phobias, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, and at my worst little ticks. So anyway at the height of my neuroses I was afraid of cheese-graters (which was actually an improvement over a more generalized blade phobia), bridges, railing, and dentists. I'm pretty much over all these now, and yeah systematic desensitization works, I just forced myself to deal with them and see that nothing was going to happen (which I intellectually knew anyway). The only one of the before mentioned which still creeps me out is the dentist (actually going to one, I can be around them socially no problem), but hey it's not that bad, I'm obsessive about taking care of my teeth and actually consider my smile one of my best physical features. And I do still manage to go about once a year and last time I went he said "they look great, whatever you're doing keep doing" (of course that night I had this awful nightmare in which he said "oops I was wrong, we need to pull them all out!"). And I even managed to stay semi-calm while I was there (OK I did want to get up and run, and was definitely getting the sweaty palms, racing heart, and butterflies, but all to a lesser extent that usual). So anyway I honestly think I'm phobia free right now, I wouldn't even consider my dental aversion strong enough to be phobic anymore.
     
    So the OCD, that was rough and lasted from about 7th grade through 12th before it started to taper off. I became a compulsive "checker" (whereby you have to keep looking to see if the door's locked, or the faucets really tightened enough). I also had the "wanting to repeat certain words" over and over. And everything had to be "balanced" I mean I couldn't have a book on the left or right side of a desk, it had to be centered, everything had to be straight, if something was on the left something comparable needed to be on the right. The worst was if I bumped something with my left arm or something touched my left side, I needed to bump or touch something on the right. It was totally messed up, even if I ran into a doorway or something and hurt me left arm, I'd be thinking "man that hurt!", even as I was seeking something else out to run my right arm into (usually more gently though) :wacko: . And counting, oh goodness don't even get me started on counting, try quadruple checking everything you count. OH and I mustn't forget the crowning compulsion. I'm Catholic, so we make the "Sign of the Cross" before and after prayers, and considering I went to Catholic School my whole life we prayed alot! So anyway you basically touch your forehead, chest, and left then right shoulder. Can anyone guess how easy it is for someone with the before mentioned symptoms to fall into a habit of needing to do it over and over again until it's perfect?? It's so comical looking back on it, I'd literally like say "hey look over there!" then when everyone turned around I'd do it again real quick and hope that was enough. And yes it even got the point that I'd develop little ticks sometimes if I tried to stop myself from doing one of the things.
     
    Now here's the kicker, I managed to suffer mostly unnoticed. I mean I wasn't as embarrassed about the phobias so I didn't hide that, and they were never as troublesome anyway. But the rechecking thing was tricky, so was the touch thing (especially the sign of the cross), but I was always an "eccentric" kid. I was the "entertainer", the one with all the jokes/wacky antics, and I was never happy unless everyone else was having fun (gee I wonder if THAT had anything to do with the anxiety trouble?). So anyway it was fairly easy (and not that out of the ordinary) for me to play most of the stuff off as some sort of game or novelty. "Is that door really closed?" I'd say, then proceeded to check it five times, making random remarks, to the delight of my friends (and my relief). And if I got stuck on needing to say the word "monosyllabic" over and over, well let's just say I could quickly whip it into a little song/rhyme or slip it into several sentences. Anyway I did really well with it, my family did notice at the worst of it, but my friends and classmates, who of course didn't know what to look for, just thought I was on another kick.
     
    And now? Well now.....I'm fine. I don't do any of that stuff anymore. I can count stuff once, it's fine if something only touches me on one side. No more word sticking, no more ticks, no more phobias. I mean I know I've still got a vulnerability to developing junk again, but I'm really fine now, and have enough experience to know when stuff could start developing and thus head it off. Like last week at work things were really hectic and I remember some word getting stuck in my head for a bit, but I was able to just say "Kevin, it's okay, STOP that and chill out." So how did I "recover"? Relaxation, learning about the problem, and will power. If you can NOT check the door more than once, and just hand someone the money after counting it once,,,,well eventually you see that it's fine. It's just in that moment I had to able to say "now that's it, stop". I got to the point where I'd purposely do something off balance and then not let myself balance it. I mean there are techniques and methods you can use, the trick is just having the will power and determination to do it. But I'd say the single most important factor is to just decompress and relax.
     
    As messed up as it sounds things got better once I moved out. I love my family and really did have a very happy childhood, and as amazing as it sounds I was never "unhappy" at all while all of this was going on, and it really didn't interfere much with everyday stuff. But my mom and grandparents (whom I grew up with), are an interesting sort. My grandmother's outspoken and has what I guess you could call a volatile temper, it's easy to set her off, and she can be verbally aggressive, but then just gets over it five minutes later. My grandfather seems unflappable, and he's definitely the best adjusted person in my family (including, no definitely including my aunt and cousin). My mom seems to ignore it all then rants about it to everyone else and by herself. I guess I'm just prone to internalize stuff, if there's conflict I stay calm and supportive during it, then go to pieces later, or redirect into the anxiety junk. Anyway I also just developed a healthy bit of apathy. "There's no way we can get all this done!" someone will say, and now instead of freaking out and taking on the stress, I'll just do my best but basically take on the attitude "oh well we won't get all done then, not the end of the world." Of course this has its price. In High School I made all A's and was extremely driven to do well in all aspects. In college,,,,not so much. My grades are decent (about a 3.3), but I'll go to sleep or go out to dinner if I think it's better for me than staying home and working on something school related. "oh well so instead of an excellent project I'll turn in an average one and stay sane". Instead of being really productive at work I'll get the important stuff done and then just relax. It comes at a price, I moved up quickly as far as rank and pay went at first, then after I got my laid back attitude, I was happier but pretty much leveled off. I've almost accepted that I can't please everyone all the time (though I still often think there's a way if I can just figure it out).
     
    But it has to with lifestyle too, I'm now very careful to never get less than 7 hours of sleep a night, and I usually shoot for 8 or 9. I take vitamins everyday and get plenty of exercise. I don't eat fast food and try to stick with a healthy diet. And mostly I just try to take care of myself. The other trick is to deal with my problems instead of ignoring them or redirecting them. If I'm upset with someone or upset about something, then I'll actually make it a point to stop and deal with, figure out what I need to do to fix it or make it better. Then there's the actually figuring out what I want from life thing. I had to realize that maybe a high paying, prestigious job still wouldn't make me happy, and may do the opposite. I could do something intense and stressful, because I usually get good results it's just that it would mess up my personal life. Sure I'd like to be rich and famous, and I
  20. AFriendlyFace
    OK so I just got back from a Christmas party, this one hosted by (and attended by) different people from work. Anyway it was pretty fun, but not as much fun as the first one. The first one was more everyone I'm close with, and was in a familiar setting. This was with more "friendly acquaintances" and I'd actually never been to the girl's apartment before. Anyway when I got there I only knew like two people, and to make matters worse most of the guys there seemed like your typical redneck southerners. There were two cute guys there at that time though. One of them was an exboyfriend of one of the hostesses (and one of the reddest necked of all, but still pleasant to behold). Anyway he was actually pretty nice, just obviously not really the tolerant type, BUT the cool thing was that I thought he was really cute, and woulda guessed him to be a little younger than me, nope 8 years older! LOL I hope I can still look early twenties when I'm 30. Anyway the other attractive one was the same girl's younger brother. Also I'm pretty sure straight, but really adorable (LOL he was the youngest there at 19, probably a little too young for me anyway ). Actually I've always found the girl attractive too, so it's no surprise she'd have a pretty brother (or be able to date good-looking guys).
     
    Anyway like I said it was slow at first, but then more people I knew showed up, including this guy who works at the same place, but never with me. Let me describe the guy (Michael). He's about 5'9'', rail thin, bleached blonde hair, pierced lip, nose, eyebrow, and several per ear, as well as 4 or 5 tattoos, deep blue eyes, and the best smile ever! He's also extremely friendly, nice, and cheerful. So as soon as I laid eyes on the guy several months ago when he came in to apply, I was instantly taken with him, after I got to know him and found out he was really cool (and saw that smile close up), I was even more interested. Unfortunately it was then that I found out he had a girlfriend (he definitely had the emo thing going and I was actually thinking he may have been gay before he mentioned just reconciling with his girlfriend.) Anyway I was of course disappointed, but I never let myself fall for straight guys, or anyone in a relationship (even a cruddy relationship, which their's isn't), I just won't go there. Anyway a couple of weeks later I met said girlfriend (Liz), and really liked her, and thought they were perfect for each other. She's pretty much the same description I gave of him only female, no tattoos (yet she's planning on getting two), and her smile, though bewitching, doesn't have quite as strong an effect on me. Anyway they're both terrific, and I'm really happy they're together because they fit so perfectly in style, personality, etc.
     
    So anyway I'm really glad when they get there, and immediately go strike up a conversation. Well after a bit Michael decides he wants a cigarette, but neither Liz nor myself smoke (actually it seems she smokes pot sometimes, but that's irrelevant) so he goes outside, and we stay and chat. So this girl's incredible, I mean I don't even know her that well and we're having this great conversation. (Yeah actually some girls can turn my head a bit, and she was definitely one of them, though again I'd never hit on someone seeing someone else) So anyway we're talking and the next thing I know she's saying "I should introduce you to my roommate, I think you'd really like him." and yeah it was obviously not a casual "you two could be friends" kinda thing, but a "you two would hit it off". So I was pretty happy, mostly because considering a gay friend of mine was trying to fix me up with a girl, I was feeling really "off the map" so to speak. But Liz, sweet, cute, perceptive Liz had me sussed. Anyway the conversation only picked up from there too; turns out her other roommate is a girl I know casually. So we were talking about her (Mallory, another cute, punkish girl) and she was like "yeah she's doing fine, she's excited because her girlfriend's about to move up here". Then she went on to talk about how she and her friends (guys and girls) used to all make out with each other when they were in high school. Which really got my mind racing considering I'm pretty sure Michael was one of the group .....Yeah yeah I know that's really promiscuous, and I'd never do anything like that, and would probably even be a little hesitant to date someone that "open", but it still put a pleasant little mental image in my head.
     
    It's interesting really while I can be attracted to any "type" of person, I find that goth/punk/emo boys are kinda over-represented (and yeah actually girls fitting that description too, to a lesser extent). Then way on the other end of the continuum I'm usually attracted to the cute, really Christian evangelical dudes (fundamentalists are a turn off, but if their just passionate about it without trying to force feed it to everyone they meet). Which of course isn't really fitting on either account, I mean I generally find both types really cool, and people of both genders from both camps have made up some of my closest friends. But I'm probably too tame for the "freaky" ones, and probably too freaky (read "gay", or "not sexually repressed") for the tame ones . Oh well I think I just dig non-conformists.
     
    For the record, I don't have any piercings or tattoos and probably won't ever get any. And while I'm a Christian, I don't like to get too mixed into the groups and things because I find too much closed-minded fundamentalism. So I probably wouldn't be very comfortable getting too far into either culture. Still they're fun to mingle with.
     
    Oh yeah so I did pretty well with the not getting drunk tonight, I had ONE beer, and a couple of small shots of this lime drink (which I think is just a friend's personal creation, I only drank it at all because I remembered it being really good from last time). Then we played "dirty Santa", I ended up with two little bottles of bubble bath in champaign shaped plastic bottles. Which is great because I actually got something similar for someone else as a Christmas present, and ever since I bought it I keep thinking "So I think I'll use some of that cool bubble bath tonight", then it hits me "oh yeah, you didn't buy any for yourself". So anyway now I have some
     
    Have an awesome day everyone!
    Kevin
  21. AFriendlyFace

    I Have A Dream

    By AFriendlyFace,

    So let's see, I got home from work yesterday and went straight to sleep (yeah it was like 4pm), and I slept until about midnight, then I lounged around in bed for about an hour. It was awesome, I love being in bed and not being asleep. I usually fall asleep pretty fast, and I usually stay asleep until I HAVE to get up, so it's always really nice to just chill. Anyway, all that aside, something useful actually happened too.
     
    I had this really weird (kinda creepy) dream. It was about these three guys. Two of them hated each other, and the 3rd guy was somehow mixed up with both of them, I can't remember, he was either one of them's friend and the other's brother, or maybe one of them's bf and the other's friend/brother, I'm really not sure, but somehow he was mixed up with both. Anyway, so they had this dramatic showdown and the first guy tried to kill the second one, but the other guy got away.....ALMOST. He then ran into the third guy, who ended up distracting him until the other guy could kill him. Anyway so it was kinda like the third guy "woke up" in the dream, and it was as though he was dreaming about what had happened. Anyway he woke up to the sound of this little child saying something like "stay calm, and tell me why you did it" (meaning the betrayal which caused the other guy's death). So anyway the guy sits up in bed and turns around and there's the little boy sitting on his headboards. So the kid keeps repeating stuff like that, asking for an explination for why the guy betrayed his friend, and all the while he's like hopping around the bed, just out of the other guys reach. So finally the boy's standing on the side of the bed, and the guy's really upset and frustrated so he lunges at the kid and tries to grab his arm, but the kid ducks underneath of the bed. Well when the guy turns around the kid like stands up (still under the bed), and his head and shoulders come through the mattress and stuff, only it's not him at all, it's the dead guy. So really all along it was the dead guy haunting the guy who betrayed him and got him killed.
     
    Anyway it was a really weird dream, and unfortunately the characters didn't even have names or anything, and I"m not sure of their relationships or motives. BUT I thought it was pretty interesting and fairly original. SO I think I might see if I can't revise it a little, go into more detail, and right a short story about it. I was thinking this would still be right at the beginning, and the story would be about the guy being haunted and WHY he betrayed the other guy and got him killed. Yeah I know it's not great, but I'm getting really desperate to have SOME kind of story done by the deadline, so I think I'm going to use it.
     
    Anyway I would talk about my day etc. But I'm really trying to get out of the habit of making insanely long posts, so I won't. But basicially I finally got my Christmas presents wrapped and my cards sent. Tomorrow evening I'm going to another work Christmas party (held by different people this time), and I'm planning to not drink at all. Then Thursday we're exchanging gifts at work, I'm really excited because from the hints everyone's given me it's stuff I really want, and I can't wait to see if everyone likes what I got them, I think they will .
     
    Oh and you guys remember my coworker whom I have a "complicated" history with, the one who took my shift for me awhile back (not Amber, her name's Kim). Well anyway I finally found out why she was all up in my buisness awhile back (2 or 3 months ago) about some stuff. It turns out she thought I was depressed and not handling it well. I wasn't depressed, I was just ticked off at her and kinda "sulky" where she was concerned, and in all fairness I got the impression SHE was the one dealing with some stuff (which I now know is also true). Anyway before it was bugging me because she kept asking intrusive questions, then telling me she didn't like stuff, but not telling me why. I just thought she was being nosey, and it probably just ticked me off more (and made it seem worse to her). I wish she'd just told me then that she was concerned, I'd have found that sweet, but then we were at each other's throats alot then, so I guess it wouldn''t have been easy. Anyway seems like we are over all that now.
     
    One final thing, my subject title reminds me of, it's a funny scene from Friends Chandler is talking about how he hates his job and doesn't have any aspirations to do anything else. So he says something to the effect of:
     
    "I hate not knowing what I want to do with my life, you guys all have it together, you have a dream, I don't have a dream."
     
    Then Ross says: "Ah, the lesser known I don't have a dream speach."
     
    Anyway I just always found that particularly funny. Have an awesome day everyone and take care.
     
    Kevin (Yeah I know this still ended up being a long post, but I really did cut a bunch lol)
  22. AFriendlyFace
    "I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
    my head just feels in pain"
     
    ~Dido Thank You
     
    I love that song. I'm not sure why really. It doesn't really SEEM like a sound or style I'd like that much, but it's one of my favorites (gotta be since I still play it all the time and it's several years old). I think it's because it's kinda romantic if you think about it. She's singing about all this bad stuff happening to her, and then her guy calls (or hands her towel ) and suddenly it's the best day of her life. Anyway unfortunately the lyrics I quoted apply to me perfectly right now .
     
    I went to an early Christmas party some people at work were having last night. I had a really great time. I got to see several people who I used to work with but had quit, and met some new people who were somehow attached to other people I knew. Anyway it was really fun, and gave me a nice excuse to dress up (which I always love lol). Actually I'm surprised what I was wearing didn't "tip anyone off", but I guess I just looked really metro. Well anyway I'm the kinda person who likes to taste a little of everything, and unfortunately there was quite a few different types of liquor, and it seemed like every time I turned around someone was handing me a drink. So anyway I had an awesome time, but I don't think I've been that drunk in 3 or 4 years. It's strange I thought I was like "immune" to hangovers. I mean I haven't drank much anyway in the last 4 years, but even when I used to I never got them. I always attributed it to the insane amount of water I always drink. Anyway today I definitely had one. I really wasn't expecting it, I guess it's largely because I didn't eat much yesterday, and I only got like 4 hours of sleep. I actually always feel like I have a "hangover" if I don't get a full night's sleep. In fact when I woke up I was thinking "oh wow, this is just like I feel when I don't get enough sleep, only worse!"
     
    So I went to work, and I arranged to take off from the 28th-2nd in order to go to Houston (yep that's where I'm planning to move to now), and see if I can find somewhere suitable to live when I move. And I guess I'll check out the campus (even though now I really don't think I'm going to make the deadline) and try to get a feel for the city. So I'm pretty excited, I can't stand not knowing where I'm going to be living, and it just came time to renew (or in my case NOT renew) the leases at my current apartment, so I was pretty much really nervous about the fact that if I didn't figure something out I wouldn't have anywhere to live in May. It kinda looks like it's all falling into place though, I really do think this is the right thing for me to do (thanks again everyone! You guys really made me feel better about my decision.), and even my boss was like "yeah, I think you're making the right choice" (which is another relief, I didn't know how I was going to quit....LOL I guess you could say I put in my "5 month's notice" ).
     
    Anyway so all of that's good, but unfortunately taking all this time off, combined with the fact that I was getting less hours anyway (it always slows down this time of year), means that my next check will probably be LESS THAN HALF of what I normally make . And it won't pick up again for another month. Fortunately I'm obsessive about saving money and should be able to make do, but I hate that'll have to dip so much into savings, and reduce my lifestyle expenses.
     
    LOL on a sidenote a gay friend of mine from work is trying to set me up with a girl. Goodness, I must really be off the radar . I know I should probably just explain to him why I'm not interested, but that'd seem kinda weird since I'm closer with alot of other people at work and I haven't told them. Plus I've always kinda gotten the feeling he was into me and while he's really sweet, and not at all bad looking, he's just not my type. Also he's not that great at keeping secrets, and while I'm sure he'd try it'd be really hard for him.
     
    Anyway I think I'm just going to have a quite evening, go to church, wrap my christmas presents (kinda lookin forward to that!), take a nice hot bubble bath and probably play with those bath toys I bought awhile back (I know, I know, I'm like 8 ), then hopefully get to bed early. Have an awesome day/week everyone!
     
    Kevin
  23. AFriendlyFace

    Stay or Go?

    By AFriendlyFace,

    So here's the thing. (YEAH it's gonna be a long thing just to warn you guys)
     
    I currently attend college about 70 or 80 miles away from the small city in which I grew up. I attended a very preppy private high school, and loved it. I have no complaints worth making about my childhood. BUT here's the thing. It's true what they say about the gossip factor. And given that my high school/city/circle or whatever is fairly small, everyone really is in everyone elses buisness. I don't have issues with my sexuality, nor do I feel the need to apologize for anything. BUT at the same time some of my closest friends and some members of my family just plain could never comfortably accept it. I don't blame them in the least, nor does it really bother me. They're simply a product of their background and culture (Deep, conservative South). They don't understand it, and never will. And I really don't care, I don't doubt for a minute that these people love me and care about me. Which actually means that it'll be really hurtful and confusing for them. I have certain friends that I just could never imagine "hating me" for it, but at the same time could never like, accept, or even really tolerate it. SO it's not an issue in that I don't need their approval, and I'm also a fairly "compartmentalized" person, I share some stuff with some people, and other stuff with other people, and no just because I don't share this with some people I DON'T feel like I"m living a lie, or like I'm not really close to them. I can understand other people feeling that way, but it isn't the way I feel. Everything we talk about and do is real, I just avoid the topic altogether. Besides this isn't everyone, I probably have as many close friends/family members that could deal with as that couldn't, it's just I'm not willing to hurt the ones that couldn't.
     
    Anyway the thing is literally the majority of my high school class came to school here. So even though I don't see many of them that much anymore, and could probably just level with the ones I've kept up with. It would still eventually get back to my home town. Which I think would be even worse than if I'd just come out to everyone. So basically I've never felt comfortable trying to date here. I wouldn't want to/be willing to "hide" a relationship, and it really wouldn't be fair either.
     
    Well actually that wasn't so much of a problem until a few months ago. Until then I'd pretty much been totally disillusioned by the whole romance/love thing anyway, BUT I reassed my priorities, sorted alot of junk out, and came out of the whole thing with a kind of bubbley idealistic enthusiasm which I hadn't really experienced in quite sometime. I mean I've always been a fairly happy, optimistic, cheerful person. But I'd always tinged it a little with a grimmer, cynical, more realistic side especially where romance concerned (and no I never had a really bad experience or anything, I just gradually got disillusioned seeing once happy couples split up). I pretty much decided "screw it, I want to be happy and enthusastic about life. I want to just see the good." and so I went ahead and let my more negative, cynical qualities fade away. Anyway point is now I'm really into the whole romance thing, and actually pretty darn optimistic about my chances of finding some terrific guy to spend the rest of my life with. Add this to the fact that I graduate in May and plan to move somewhere new for grad. school, and you'd think everything was looking up, and mostly problem free. I mean all I have to do is bide my time a few months longer right?
     
    Well it's not quite that simple. For starters I'm majoring in psychology/sociology, and now pretty much think I don't want to do anything with either. I'd always wanted to be a psychologist, but I don't think I'd be able to keep enough "distance". I mean I think I'd just want to get up and hug the person and be their friend, which may not exactly be the best thing for a therapist. As for sociology, well all I could do with basically is teach sociology, which wouldn't be that bad, but probably not THAT fulfilling either. So anyway I'd always fancied myself a writer anyway. I really enjoy the whole creative process. So I thought "ok, I'll go to grad school for English or creative writing or something, get a degree, get a job which uses it, and write recreationally on the side". The only problem is deadlines are coming up REALLY fast and I need to have some stuff written to send in, and what I make up for in creativity, I more than lose in discipline. Simply put I've got tons of ideas, but not enough attention span/work ethic to actually turn them into anything substantial. Which of course makes me doubt rather I'd ever be suited as a writer anyway, but more imminently is likely to keep me from completing something within the deadlines.
     
    Anyway, the way I was planing to sort this out was. I'd still move to my city of choice, sit out a year and just work, hopefully find time to write on the side with less pressure, and VERY hopefully find a good relationship while I"m at it. Well this is almost perfect. There's just one snag really; I'll feel horribly guilty about it. See my immediate family consists of my mom, grandma and grandpa (the three of whom raised me), and my aunt and cousin. Well my grandparents are getting up there, 80 and 84. And my grandmother has alzhiemer's (wish I knew how to spell that, someone feel free to correct me), which is very difficult for my mom, and grandfather (who literally still has a better memory than me) to have to put up with. Then there's the issue of my Aunt and cousin. My aunt kinda slipped into this like lowgrade (I think lowgrade,,,,maybe not ) depression a few years back, and basically quit working and lived off of her credit cards all this time. Well now it's catching up to her, and while my grandparents offer occasional support, she's too proud to actually let them know the extent of her troubles, and as such could become homeless at any time. Then there's the fact that my cousin won't go anywhere near my grandmother, because a few years ago (yes YEARS ago) my grandmother said something insulting to her and she's never gotten over it. And of course her mom uses that as an excuse to also stay away from my grandmother, since she always gives her a hard time about the whole economic situation. So basically my family's got a lot of problems/potential problems, and I hate to run out on them. Plus most all the burden will fall to my mother to look after everyone.
     
    So today I talked to her about it (not about all this, just the general fact that I was planning to move). Just casually like "I wanna go visit the state over the break and maybe try to pick out an apartment". Anyway I never really expected her to try to "stop me" I mean she hasn't really tried to stop me from doing anything since before high school, I just expected her to mention reasons why I shouldn't. Or maybe even lay on a slight guilt trip (which wouldn't have been hard). But instead she was like "yeah that's a good idea", and words to that effect. SO basically I'm thinking the only reason she's saying that is because she's already pretty much figured the samethings I figured, and thinks it's the best thing for me. Which really just makes me feel guiltier. Plus I really think if anyone's going to get my cousin to quit being such a spoiled brat about this, it'll have to be me. We used to be really close as kids, more like brother/sister in some ways than cousins. So I think I might have to just sit her down and tell her to "pull her head out" and get on with life. But on the other hand it's risky in that she doesn't take criticism well, and obviously is good at holding a grudge, I really don't want to alienate her. Especially since she's the only other person in my family I'd be likely to come out to anytime soon. Either way I'm just going to have to try to talk to her about it before I move.
     
    Anyway sorry this was such a long one. I guess I just wanted to rant a little. Have a great day everyone and take care!
     
    Kevin
  24. AFriendlyFace

    She's Pregnant!

    By AFriendlyFace,

    Ok so you guys remember my friend and coworker from earlier posts, Amber, the one who'd taken up the strict ideas about appropriate male/female interaction? Well anyway like I was saying in another recent post, while things aren't quite as close as they were with us, we're doing pretty well again. Well this morning we're working alone together (till about 10 when someone else joined us), and she's says "I want to tell you a secret" So I say "OK, I promise I won't say anything" And that's when she reveals that she's pregnant! I'm so excited and happy for her!! The last time she went to they gynocologist he told her that she had some sort of problem and most likely wouldn't be able to get pregnant (I can't remember what it was, I want to say a poorly aligned uterus if that makes any sense). Anyway so I'm thinking that's why she wasn't using birth control in the first place, but regardless she's really excited because she was worried she'd never be able to have children. Of course I'm super excited because I LOVE babies! Heck I'm going to have a baby someday even if I have to move somewhere else to adopt one! Anyway she's going to the doc. tomorrow to make sure everything's ok (since there's a good chance given her "problems" she won't be able to carry the baby to full term). I know perhaps I should be more realistic and think about all the potential problems for her. Like the fact that she's just a Soph. in College, she's unmarried, she's in an interracial relationship in a very "redneck" part of the country, and she's got a good chance of misscarrying. BUT instead I'm just really happy for she and Kelvin. I think they'll make terrific parents! And I know this is something they both really want, even if the timing and circumstances aren't perfect. I also really think she'll be able to make everything work with school and work. I'm just sorry that the baby won't likely come until the end of July or beginning of August, and I'm moving in May . I'm really sorry I won't get to be like "uncle Kevin" But I promised I'd visit whenever I came back to visit family anyway. And she can send pictures and stuff.
     
    Let's see also today I had a really revelation. I was going next door to the coffeehouse to buy one of those insanely chocolately deserts I like so much, when all of a sudden I realized I was "Patrick". Patrick was the day manager when I started. He was this openly gay, really skinny, super friendly guy with dyed red hair. He had an huge addiction to sweets and was always running next door to buy coffee or something and add like 12 packs of sugar. He was also often a few minutes late. Well as I was walking over there I realized here I was now the day manager, also gay, rather thin (not like him, he was like the skinnest guy I've ever seen, but I wear like 30 inch pants, and slip into 29s when I...uh wanna be noticed ), also friendly, and also with dyed red hair (mine's more of a strawberry blonde though, definitely more blonde than red, but still). Anyway add to that my HUGE addiction to chocolate over the past several months (I've had like a BIG chocolate desert everyday straight for the past 3 weeks or so), AND I was a couple of minutes late this morning. It was really freaky! Perhaps his spirit still haunts us or something :wacko:
     
    Anyway I finished my first paper last night, but can't seem to get very far on the 2nd, harder one. I went to the Library and darnit if they didn't have most of the articles I needed. I really don't get why their database pulls th em up at all if they don't have them! It's like "oh look! that article's perfect" **Demonical laugh** "well you can't have it! Anyway to top it all off this one article I found at the library said it was available online, so I figured I'd just wait and print it at home for free. Well it turns out it's only available AT the library online, otherwise you have to have some kinda subscription to this site. I'm so ticked! I really want it, but I don't feel like dressing and going back out there, and I did manage to find enough articles without it, they're just mostly crudy and not that helpful. You guys think Garfield pajama pants and a T-shirt is too informal to go back to the library in?
     
    Anyway, I hope you all have a fantastic day! And BE SAFE!
     
    Kevin
  25. AFriendlyFace
    So I just got home from taking one of my finals. As I start to take it one thought keeps running through my mind "oh Wow this is HARD!" The final? no, the physical process of writing. It was awful I could barely scrawl out what I wanted to say. I guess I should explain.
     
    When I first learned to write as a kid, I sucked at it. I mean I was always known for having the worst handwritting in the class. In grade school we'd always pass our papers to the person behind us to grade. Well it was always a huge accomplishment when the kid behind me would finally be able to exclaim: "I've learned to read Kevin's handwriting!" And indeed this was quite an accomplishment as I could only do it myself half the time.
     
    Well when I finally learned to type I took to it like a fish to water. For many of our assignments in high school they said we could either type them or handwrite them. Well of course I typed mine. But the thing is in high school I COULD still write by hand. I could write at a normal pace it would just come out messy. If I sped up it would get even messier, if I slowed down alot I could even make it look half decent. But now forget writting quickly at all, that just isn't possible. Everything I write takes forever and still comes out looking awful. Writing has become an extremely unnatural action for me. It doesn't occur automatically at all. I actually have to think about each movement involved. So for the test just now, which was very unusual in the realm of college tests; a written short answer/essay exam, it was pure torture. When I got to the essay, which I had quite a bit to say about, I became extremly frustrated. I'd have like the next 5 sentences in my head and a rough idea of what I was going to cover in the next paragraph, and I was stuck laboriously scribbling T. H. E. I really did get to the point where I left out things that would have made the essay better simply because I didn't think they were worth the trouble to write. I know I could have typed the stupid thing at LEAST 5 or 6 times faster than it took to write it out, and I would have included everything I wanted. As much as I was trying to do a good job with it, I still got impatient and started leaving out articles and some prepositions as well as abbreviating like mad and just using a + sign to indicate "and". Plus I still had to be really careful since my thoughts were so much further along than what I had down I kept skipping relevant words. And to make matters worse I know I'll be lucky if she can understand half of what I put down.
     
    A mouse or keyboard feel like natural extensions of my body, but put a pencil in my hand and my gut reaction is more along the lines of staring at it stupidly and saying "huh, what's this for??" Still I just can't believe how "unnatural" it's gotten. I mean it seems like the kind of thing you'd never forget, like walking, riding a bike, or skating. But this I really do seem to have effectively forgotten. I guess I shouldn't be surprised writing (by hand) is something I do very rarely. Often I don't phsycially write a word all day, with the exception of maybe my signature. And when I do actually write words it'll be like one or two at a time "bread, milk, soap" on a list or something.
     
    Oh well everything's going computerized anyway right? And at least on this stupid final I never had to sit there and try to think of something to say, lol more like sit there and think "ok wait! one word at a time"
     
    Anyway take care everyone and have a really REALLY awesome day!
     
    Kevin
×
×
  • Create New...