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AFriendlyFace

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  1. AFriendlyFace
    ...and I really shouldn't be trying to figure it out, but it's driving me crazy now!
     
    So, if anyone happened to be following the "weird night" thread in the Lounge, they'll know that I purposely stayed up all night so that I could get some of that quiet alone time. Anyway around 8am I went to sleep. Well about 11:45 William called. He and a couple of other guys we're friends with had had plans this morning to go to this event. I was originally going to go with them, but it feel through. Well actually it feel through because I was originally NOT going to go with them, then I realized I could and we made plans...then it turned out that I'd missed various deadlines and what not. Anyway, no big deal because I got my long, quiet night and I got to sleep in. So about 11:45 they're done and William calls to let me know how it went and to further let me know that they'd all decided to go out tonight. Big surprise there! LOL, I go out with some combination of these three almost every Saturday night The cool thing though is that we're going to a bar I haven't been to yet! So that'll be nifty. So naturally I accept, chat awhile, then go back to sleep.
     
    Well a couple of hours later, 1:45ish, I get a call from Scott. According to William (who if you've been paying attention you'll know is Scott's roommate), Scott is coming with us tonight. The problem is according to Scott, Scott isn't coming with us tonight. Well, no big news there either. Just as we go out almost every Saturday, Scott almost always says he isn't going and William always insists that he is. About half the time William prevails and Scott comes and about half the time Scott prevails and he stays home. My job is just is say things like, "well, it'll be more fun if you come and I really hope you do, but I understand if you don't feel like it" to Scott, and to say things like, "yeah, I wish he'd come, but no sense in forcing him, you know how he likes a quiet evening in" to William. Then I just sorta let them battle it out themselves, and only really get involved if it seems especially important to one or the other of them.
     
    So, so far events are unfolding according to their usual rhythm, albeit several hours earlier than they normally do - when Scott throws a new card! It turns out that the reason he doesn't want to go out tonight, is because William's told him something that's upset him. So we then proceed to have a very confusing conversation in which Scott basically tells me that William intends to tell me whatever it is as well, and that he himself can't tell me because he's promised not to tell anyone, but that it's made him conclude that William's lost it. I was able to gather that it's something to do with William's new boyfriend - whom Scott doesn't approve of - and that Scott thinks they're moving too quickly.
     
    Obviously then it some sort of 'relationship announcement', which under normal circumstances is probably supposed to be viewed as good news. I suppose there are several things it could be, probably mostly involving moving/moving in together, an engagement or similar pledge of serious commitment, or really any moderately "big step" I suppose.
     
    Now personally I like the guy well enough. My attitude is basically, "if you make William happy you have my blessing". Scott on the other hand doesn't like the guy and feels that he's going to hurt William. As such he's avoiding being with both of them together, or being with William when he'd have to talk about him. Now of course I have the "you better not hurt my friend" feelings too, but I trust William to make his own decisions, and I also trust his strength and resilience. If he gets hurt we'll be there for him and he'll get through it, and in the meantime if he's happy and it has a chance of being really good for him I'm all for it.
     
    The biggest problem is that while William doesn't seem to have worked out that it's related to his new boyfriend he's noticed Scott being more distant lately and is bothered by it. So actually I wish Scott would just suck it up and come with us tonight and try to have a good time so that William won't worry. Unfortunately I know Scott...he wouldn't have a good time tonight and I think it would be fairly apparent, so it's probably best if he doesn't come.
     
    And now, about 10 minutes ago while I was typing this actually, Luke's just called. He hasn't met the new boyfriend yet, but he was trying to subtly get information from me and find out my opinion. Now perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but it seems fishy that an hour after I get off the phone with Scott, Luke calls me up and tries to casually discuss the same thing. I'm reasonably sure when he hung up with me Scott called Luke to vent further. Which is fine of course, Scott should do whatever he can to feel better, but I feel like it's getting even more complicated!
     
    Meanwhile I'm going out of my head trying to figure out exactly what William intends to tell me tonight. I've even been practicing my I'm-so-surprised-and-delighted! reactions.
     
    Well, at least I feel better having gotten all that out lol.
  2. AFriendlyFace

    Running Out

    By AFriendlyFace,

    So I'm not unhappy or frustrated or anything. I wouldn't even describe myself as especially stressed or frustrated. Just...emotionally (and slightly physically) exhausted.
     
    Fortunately, things seem to have settled down for me. Unfortunately, they seem to have heated up for most of my friends. Not only am I still trying to be there for Claire, but my other close childhood friend in a lesbian relationship is also having trouble with said lesbian relationship AND going through employment turmoil. The lesbian couple I'm very close friends with that got married and moved last summer, are also going through a lot of life upheaval and stress (their relationship is fine though ). And that's just the girls...
     
    Scott and William are each having separate boyfriend complications (but mostly stuff's working out for them, YAY), and they're moving, and there's some slight tension/misunderstanding between them. Luke's going through MAJOR drama with his dad and his dad's boyfriend, and he's going through a lot of work stress, and generally feeling sad and overwhelmed.
     
    I'm also re-connecting with my ex (on a friendship level), and he's physically sick.
     
    Plus, because Scott, William, and Luke were so busy (they were busy, now they're back in the "need a friend" phase), I've spent a lot of time with a couple of other guys that I've been getting pretty close with. AND, because I've been going out so much with them (versus mostly staying in and chillin with some combination of Scott, William, and/or Luke), I've been running into a bunch of other old friends. Two of whom, I really like and enjoy being with who both seem eager to reconnect and hang out more.
     
    As a result, I've been spending nearly all of my free time on the phone with someone, at someone's house, or doing random other activities.
     
    I've also been going out (in the bar/club sense) way more than I typically do, as in if I hadn't declined (with good reasons and firm intentions to do it later of course) invitations/requests to go out on three separate nights in the last week it would have been every night! Which is just crazy! Who even goes out on Monday or Tuesday night? Friday and Saturday or a given, Thursday isn't really a surprise, Sunday's always been popular with my friends (it's a big night for gay males in Houston for some reason), and I've accepted that a lot happens on Wednesday too. But now Monday and Tuesday too?
     
    Honestly, once a week is quite sufficient for me, but I've felt like I had to accept lately since it's either to cheer up/support a friend, or to forge/strengthen new ties. And I do have fun, don't get me wrong, but I'm the kind of person who likes a lot of down time and a lot of time to myself. I'm happy with people, but I'm happy alone too, but it's even harder to work that out if someone asks if I have plans and I don't...I mean I could lie, or just say, "I really want a quiet evening by myself tonight", but I'd still feel like a jerk.
     
    Add to that that I've been doing a lot of sub-teaching, especially for K-2nd graders. The kids are really sweet, and it's very rewarding, and even quite fun for the most part. Plus I know that I'm serious about wanting kids if I can listen to 20 screaming 7 year olds all day and still be thinking "man I want one!", but kids that age are pretty demanding!
     
    So anyway, add it all together and it adds up to me being very tired! Plus I hate to complain, it's silly to complain about having too many good relationships and too many fun activities, but I just really want to spend a whole day locked inside without seeing, talking, or texting to a single person!
     
    I can't though, being a supportive person is pretty much the most fundamental quality I see in myself, so not being there, even if they understand, would cause me more guilt and stress than it would be worth.
  3. AFriendlyFace

    Survivor Guilt?

    By AFriendlyFace,

    So I just spent the last couple of hours on the phone with my friend Claire. I spent yesterday evening on the phone with her as well. She's broken up with her girlfriend. Again. They've been doing this everyone 3 to 5 months for the last two and a half years. It's really vicious. It's always exactly the same pattern too. Slowly "Jane" pulls away from Claire, refuses to talk or communicate, and starts spending time with her ex (whom she was with for about 7 years before she and Claire got together). The she says she can't live without the ex in her life (not the Claire ever even tries to keep the ex out of their lives), that she knows the fact that she's spending time with her is hurting Claire, that she doesn't want to hurt Claire, so she breaks up with her, and usually goes back to the ex for a few weeks before basically going "Oh no! I made a horrible mistake! Please take me back Claire!"...and Claire does.
     
    Unfortunately every time this happens Claire usually ends up a complete emotional wreck, takes horrible care of herself, and drops out of school. Thus we went to high school together, and I've been done with college for almost two years, and she's still a good year from finishing. She's literally dropped out of 3 different schools about 6 times in total, and always because of some kind of girlfriend drama (which for the last two and a half years has revolved around Jane).
     
    This time is worse though (well it always seems like the worst one ). See, Jane got pregnant the last time they broke up. She artificially inseminated herself with a friend. So, add about another month and a half after she was pregnant before she and Claire got back together, then add about 5 months of relationship time, and now she's due in about two months. Of course she and Claire have been planning their lives around the baby. Claire was really excited and happy about it all...and now it's all gone. Also, Claire has absolutely no legal rights to the baby, but she does have a whole lotta legal responsibilities because they put a lot of the bills, and notes and stuff in her name because Jane has terrible credit.
     
    Add in the fact that Claire was living in Jane's place, and that Jane had actually said (and this is the part that really really pisses me off) "we shouldn't have other friends because we're trying to make our relationship work". So Claire has nowhere to go and no one to turn to for even emotional support. Except me, but I'm 500 miles away, and one other friend, "John" (whom I'll get to in a bit). Her solution...which is really her only solution to be fair is to move in with him. The trouble is HE lives about 100 miles away from where she currently lives and goes to school. She could always move in with her parents but they're closer to 200 miles away, so that would just be harder. So she's actually planning to try to commute 100 miles every day and finish the next two semesters that way, because she really doesn't want to drop out since she's so close, plus she's pretty much burned her bridges with the other two universities in the area.
     
    This time I was just so pissed off at Jane for doing this to her AGAIN, that I kinda violated my standard just-a-supportive-shoulder-to-cry-on role. I'm trying my damnedest to try to convince her she needs to cut Jane out of her life once and for all. It's like this horrible cycle is never going to end. It's torture for Claire, it's got to be tough on Jane, and I'm sure it's no picnic for the other girl either. They've just got this terrible three-way codependency thing going on. Jane told her she could stay at the house as long as she needed to, but Jane herself is gone (presumably with the ex).
     
    I was just so upset when Claire told me her situation tonight. Basically she's sitting there in this dump, with flies literally buzzing around attacking her. She hasn't eaten in two days, and she's just been chain-smoking (despite having "quit" in November ). She usually drinks heavily when this happens too, but so far I haven't heard her mention doing that. I could cry thinking about my sweet, wonderful, brilliant friend, with so much going for her, sitting over there like that all alone.
     
    So now we come to John. See, Claire, John, and me all went to high school together and we were all good friends. Claire was always closer with each of us than we were with each other however. As a result John and I have completely lost touch over the years. Claire keeps me informed of the general goings on of his life though.
     
    So John was this nice, cute, sweet, very religious intelligent gay boy. I'm talking major flamer here though. Like, this kid wasn't fooling anyone. As a result he was outted way before he was ready. His step-dad didn't take it so well. He didn't exactly get "kicked out", but he pretty much lost all support as soon as he turned 18. All that trauma, plus having a huge amount of religious baggage, led to him getting "used" by an older guy when he was still a minor , then he had a string of casual encounters/bad boyfriends, got hooked on coke, weed, and ecstasy, finally had a semi-long term dysfunctional relationship, then cleaned up (yay) and got on the anti/ex-gay religious bandwagon (BOOOOOO)....then he shampooed, rinsed, and repeated the cycle about 4 times for good measure. Right now he's on the religious kick (has been for about a year now as far as I know), and "praying for those struggling with homosexuality". Of course he's still torturing himself over his own sexuality. I haven't seen him in about 4 years (perhaps more) and honestly I'm pretty glad about that because by all accounts there's not much left of my old friend anymore.
     
    *sigh* and that, plus one more super-religious roommate, is the house Claire is going to have to move into while she gets over this. And honestly I don't know whether to be happy about that or not, her situation sucks so bad. It's pretty much either that or stay with Jane...while Jane gets back with the ex girlfriend. I pretty much want Jane and ex girlfriend out of her life so much that I'm almost relieved she'll be moving away from them...only she's already said she'll never cut Jane out of her life completely, plus she understandably wants to be involved in the baby's life, so in all likelihood whenever Jane gets tired of ex she'll take her back and they can repeat the whole thing again in 5 months. Won't this be a lovely environment for the baby to grow up in?
     
    I'm just so upset for her and I really wish there was something I could do, and in fact if she weren't in school I'd strongly consider driving over there, picking her up, trying to make her delete their numbers, and taking her back to Houston with me till she could get her S*(& straight. It sounds very appealing, but I tend to only go so far as offering advice. I feel like I don't have a right to interfere too much, so I usually just let people make their own mistakes and wreck their lives if they have to, then help glue the pieces back together. Still after all this, after so many times, and after she pretty much acknowledged that it was a never ending cycle that she'd never end, I'm very tempted to break my rule and do anything I can to get her out of that situation.
     
    I've tried my hardest to convince her to go out and make new friends and meet new girls, but she just won't do it. Hell, at this point I can't even get her to eat. It's frickin driving me crazy. Plus, I generally only hear from her when this happens and that always coincides with her telling me whatever bad news is going on in John's life as well. So I always get the bonus of worrying and feeling badly about him as well.
     
    It's just that beyond everything else, beyond the fact that I simply care about them, I just feel a special connection with them. They were my first gay friends. We used to have a lot of laughs together and tons of fun times. We even graduated like 4th, 5th, and 6th in our class together. I just really feel like my own fate is somehow tied to theirs. I Just don't know why my own life turned out so profoundly NOT f**ked up, when they got stuck in these vicious, self-destructive cycles.
     
    I mean I've hit a few rough spots, notably last November, but if anything I'm healthier, happier, and better adjusted than I was in high school (and actually I was extremely happy in high school, and I think for the most part they were too). I'm not going through any horrible religious/sexuality conflict. In fact I absolutely love the church I attend regularly, it's very gay friendly, and if anything I'm as spiritually fulfilled and sexually content as I've ever been. I'm not isolated; I'm blessed with quite a few very wonderful and close friends who were there for me when I hit the hard times. I just don't understand why it all turned out so different. We all had so much in common, it seems like we'd have ended up in a fairly similar place.
  4. AFriendlyFace

    So much for romance

    By AFriendlyFace,

    So I went out tonight with a few friends and I was on the dance floor dancing when I noticed this guy leering at me. So I just kinda pretended not to notice and went on about my business. Well the next thing I know he comes up to me and grabs me and he's like, "You're really hot". So I just say "Thanks" and try to pull away, well then he says bold as can be, "Look, I'll pay you whatever".
     
    EUGHHH!! I was so shocked I just kinda stood there. Fortunately one of my friends grabbed my arm and pulled me away and pretended to be my boyfriend.
     
    I just can't believe someone would do that! Totally freaked me out.
     
    In other news the most amazingly lucky mistake happened to me while I was there. We were outside and a couple of the others were smoking when this guy recognizes me and comes up to talk to me. Well, I actually mistook him for one of my friends' old exes whom I'd briefly met a couple of nights ago. SO, I introduced him to everyone as Adam. Fastforward about 5 minutes later and I realize that he is in fact the roommate of a different friend whom I'd only met a couple of times (but should have remembered ). Now here's the kicker: his name is Adam too! So I completely thought I was talking to a different guy and by a massive lucky coincidence I was calling him and introducing him by the right name so he never even realized!!
     
    So that's how my evening went, and now I'm going to take off this outfit - which evidently makes me look like a hustler - grab a shower, and head to bed. Take care all.
  5. AFriendlyFace

    The boys I love

    By AFriendlyFace,

    So this blog's going to be kinda gossipy and I doubt it'll be particularly relevant to anyone but me, but anyway...
     
    Life's been fantastic lately, even for me. I really can't remember the last time had so much fun crammed into two months (or however long this little bright patch has been going now...might be three...anyway...). The only downside is that I've been having so much fun and partying so much that *gasp* it actually kinda started to catch up with me. LOL, I think the last time I went out this much, spent so little time at home, and drank this much (ssshhhh ), was when I was in high school, and not that I'm condoning it, but I think it's easier to do when you're 17 and you have someone else doing all the housework, and getting the food and stuff for you
     
    Anyway, my whole little never ending bender finally came to a close last Thursday/Friday after I stayed out till 4:30 in the morning drinking and discussing philosophy, gay culture, and relationships with an odd mix of old and new friends. Don't get me wrong it was incredibly delightful and I definitely don't regret doing it. What I do regret is having to get up at 7:30 the next morning and dragging through 8 hours at work. It also sucked that Friday evening a few of my co-workers wanted to go have some drinks and I was literally to tired . It makes me a bit sad because it woulda been the first time I did something social with them (only been there a month), plus I always feel bad when I turn people down because "I'm too tired".
     
    Getting back to Thursday though... I recently (actually a week from last Thursday, as in 2 Thursdays ago) re-connected with an old friend. In fact he was the first gay guy I met when I moved to Houston! I met him like four or five days after I moved here (the first several days were spent with unpacking, and looking for a new job), and he really helped me get oriented and introduced me to the gay community in Houston. Anyway, after the summer ended he moved away to go to a different college and we lost touch. Well, this last semester he transferred back to Houston and I ran into him! It was great seeing him again, and it was kinda cool because since he's been away and alot of his other friends have moved away or whatever, I actually got a chance to help him meet some new people and stuff. I thought it was a nice bit of cosmic karma.
     
    Anyway, last Thursday he and I and my best friend and several other guys were all hanging and having the before-mentioned discussions. Well he and this adorable guy were all over each other...well to be fair it was mostly the other guy all over him. Anyway, shouldn't be a problem right? Well the problem was that number one I kinda liked the other guy myself but of course I'm not that petty, no the actual problem was that my friend already has a boyfriend! In fact that same boyfriend he's been dating since we first met. I even know the guy somewhat (although I haven't seen him now for like a year and a half). Anyway, I was really disappointed that he was letting that guy act like that with him. In fact I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking, "So how's your boyfriend Michael been?" But I figured that would be really bitchy and it wasn't any of my business so I didn't.
     
    Anyway, a few minutes later cute boy asked my old friend to take him home. So I was really disappointed and thinking "Man! I can't believe he's going to do that!" Well, about 15 or 20 minutes later my phone goes off and it's my friend and he's upset and he's telling me he needs me to come and meet him because apparently he told cute boy that he had a boyfriend and he wasn't interested and cute boy was really upset and embarrassed that he'd been hitting on someone with a boyfriend, plus mad that my friend hadn't told him earlier, and he had thus gotten out of the vehicle and was attempting to walk the remaining 10 or so miles in the cold and wouldn't get back in the car. So I was going to go pick him up, but I had several other people riding with me, and by the time we'd arranged who was going with whom etc. my friend had called back to tell me that he'd successfully convinced cute boy to accept the ride home and that he no longer needed my help. Point is I was really proud of my friend for repulsing the advances of cute boy and telling him he had a boyfriend
     
    In other news unless we explicitly tell people we aren't dating everyone still thinks me and my best friend (from "The Talk" blog entry) are dating. It's kinda getting frustrating because it seems to be shutting down both our chances of finding someone new. On the bright side though we had "The Talk" round two and everything's completely back to normal again. I'm positive he no longer has any romantic feelings for me, and we talked alot about how our feelings for each other have evolved over the course of our friendship.
     
    Actually, the complications these days are arising from our other two really close friends...
     
    As I'm sure you've all noticed I've avoided using names thus far. The reason is that number 1 I like to respect people's privacy, and number 2 I want to keep my own business private. It was one thing to use names a couple of years ago when I blogged and most of the people I wrote about were straight (what were the chances of them or someone they knew seeing it?), but nowadays since almost everyone I blog about is GLBT I figure there's a much higher chance of someone I know recognizing the people. So Instead I'm going to resort to the tried and true method of "changing the names to protect the innocent", even though I don't really like that strategy. So this best friend that I keep referring to, let's call him "Scott".
     
    So Scott has a roommate, William. And William, Scott, and our fourth friend, Luke, are all really close. We generally spend almost the entire weekend together in some combination and usually several nights out of the week as well. However, all being young gay guys, I guess attractions are inevitable. So I've already talked about my history with Scott ad nauseum, what I haven't mentioned is that briefly Scott and William (the roommates) had a relationship. This was before they were roommates and before I even met William. However, they were never that serious and they broke up and managed to remain good friends (obviously). Now they have a pretty healthy, "brotherly" relationsihp.
     
    When I met Luke, he was actually crushing big time on Scott. For awhile it made things really awkward between Luke and Scott because Scott didn't reciprocate Luke's feelings. Well it was actually when I started spending time with both of them that it made it easier for them to become good friends again because I was there to sorta diffuse the tension and keep them from having any awkward moments alone, and now Luke's over his feelings and they're great. As a brief aside Luke had also, prior to having feelings for Scott, had feelings for William. In fact he met Scott through William. However, William is very up-front about these sorts of things and he just told Luke how he felt and they moved on with their friendship.
     
    Now, here's where I come into the picture. Over the past couple of weeks Luke has, at times (but not always), been acting a little...weird with me. Like last week I suddenly found myself on the couch with him and he was holding my hand and telling me how soft and smooth it was. Or like one day I texted him about something, and his reply was, "Oh, I was just about to text you...I just couldn't think of a good reason" And just little stuff like that. Plus both Scott and William have told me separately (and evidently discussed it among themselves) that they think he's into me.
     
    Well, if you guessed that I don't feel the same way you're right. *sigh* I dunno, I mean Luke's a great guy. He's smart, fun to be with, and apart from Scott I can't think of another person whom I interact with on a daily basis that I trust as completely. I'm just not into him like that though. And I've given this alot of thought. I think he would be really good for me, and I know he would be really good to me. Which sorta brings up other issues I have. Like basically, I'm used to being the more protective one in my relationships. It's just what I'm comfortable with. In this relationship, based on the dynamic of our friendship, I'm pretty sure he would be the one looking after me. Well first off I'm fiercely independent and I refuse to acknowledge that I'd need anyone looking after me. However, I can't deny that prior to things getting really good again, back when I was having that really rough patch, it was really tempting to look for someone who would give me that strength and stability. Of course, I bounced back, through sheer determination, my own strength and determination, and not in small part due to the support I received from friends - including Luke. It's not that I don't think it's okay to rely on other people for things sometimes, because I very much believe in helping and being helped. It's just that I believe in co-independence and not co-dependence. Which of course even further complicates things because it equally means that in principle I disagree with my own general pattern of being the protective one.
     
    Basically, I tend to form relationships in which I'm the, for lack of a better way to put it, "traditionally dominate one", but I can freely admit that part of me wants to be the "one taken care of". However, both options are completely dissatisfactory to me; nothing short of a completely equal, egalitarian relationship will do. Anything else I very much object to (for myself). *sigh* is it any wonder I don't have a boyfriend?
     
    Anyway, while all of that is interesting to ponder, and while I'm glad this experience has provided the impetus for me to further analyze it, it's actually completely irrelevant. The whole thing is a moot point because simply put I'm just not attracted to Luke physically. He's just not my type. I love him very much, but I'm not in love with him.
     
    Now, if you think all of this is the main problem in our big group friendship...you're wrong. I have little doubt that the stuff with Luke and I will work itself out. After all both Scott and William have moved beyond this stuff with him and gone on to have satisfying friendships. So obviously he's able to handle this and remain friends with his crush. Besides we are pretty close and I just can't imagine him doing something that would overtly jeopardize our friendship. Indeed, I think the chances are that it won't actually come to a head at all and that he'll just eventually take the hint and move on if I'm just able to kindly, but firmly, present a unified message of, "you're great and I really care about you, but not like that". Which is how things worked with he and Scott.
     
    Anyway, point is I'm not too worried about this. Heck, if Scott and William can get past their own brief relationship, if they can both get past uncomfortableness with Luke, and if Scott and I can work past our history of mutual, but never simultaneously expressed feelings for each other and go on to be even closer friends than before, why wouldn't Luke and I be able to work this out as well? I think we will.
     
    Now, you may have noticed that this very soap opera-esque story is missing attraction between William and I. Well it isn't. *sigh* I really want him.
     
    He's just...well very adorable. Completely sweet and affectionate. Kind, alot of fun to be with! He's amazingly social. Like really all four of us are pretty good at striking up conversations with new people and making new friends, but as out-going as I am (and I'm probably a bit more out-going than Scott and Luke), William is even more so! Like, a lot of the time with most of my friends I feel like it's up to me to make sure everyone is having fun, and if there are new people I automatically feel responsible for making sure they feel welcome and are included. With William I don't feel that nearly as much. I just know that because William is there everyone will have fun and he'll make any new people feel comfortable. It's sort of a nice little break.
     
    William is also just a really admirable person. Scott and I were having this conversation a couple of weeks ago about how William is always dating someone new, but each and every time he's convinced this is the one, but then when it isn't he never sulks or falls apart. He hops right back up and gives himself completely to his next relationship/fling/whatever without going into it feeling jaded. But he's not just an idiot who doesn't learn his lesson either. Like he actually takes things at a really sensible pace, and it's more like he's hopeful that this will be the one, and he accentuates the positive and stuff, but he's really very realistic and he takes stuff one day at a time.
     
    He was actually in this really serious, long-term relationship for like 4 or 5 years before we met. He and the guy even bought a house together and pretty much presented themselves as "married". Then the other guy cheated on him (repeatedly) and they broke up. But he dusted himself off and went on with his life. And he's not bitter, it's like he has the perfect attitude about that relationship. He talks about it fondly, but acknowledges that it didn't work and that he's over it. He isn't bitter toward his ex, but he's just, like I said, completely over him. He acknowledges how much it hurt and how hard it was for him to get over it, but as I said he just doesn't let it jade him with regards to the future.
     
    I like to think all four of us will eventually meet Mr. Right and live happily ever after, and I honestly think we will because - and I'm not just bragging on us because it's me and my friends - we're all pretty well-adjusted, resilient people, and we've got a lot to offer, but if I had to pick one of us for sure to do the 'happily ever after', it would be William. And yes, mostly just because I am sure that he'll just keep right on searching until he does find that perfect relationship without letting the bad ones in between ruin stuff.
     
    Anyway, all that and he's utterly adorable. On top of that things were even harder for him, because 1) he grew up in a Southern Baptist home, and 2) he's hearing impaired and functionally deaf without his hearing aid (which he can only use for one ear because if he tries to put one in the other ear he gets really bad ringing, headaches, and trouble with his balance).
     
    So anyway, yeah, I've got a little crush on him
     
    I'm really glad to finally get that out too, because given the various complicated circumstances with Scott and Luke (coupled with their closeness to each of us) I don't quite feel like I should discuss this with them.
     
    I'm actually a little bit embarrassed. I mean here I am always going on about how risky it can be to fall for your friends and here I go and do it! It makes me feel ridiculous too that I haven't just done something about it. I'm literally always sitting there encouraging Scott to go after his crushes and take the initiative and here I am being a hypocrite myself.
     
    The last two times we watched movies I made sure William and I sat next to each other so that we could share a blanket and cuddle a little And I feel completely pathetic but I've been catching myself unconsciously taking William's side in our group discussions and supporting his suggestions for activities (honestly, I'm surprised neither Luke nor Scott has noticed ). And I just can't stand that I've been doing that! I mean that's so...BLAH
     
    *sigh*, but it's not that easy. William has a boyfriend right now. At first I didn't think it would matter much since as I mentioned he's always seeing someone, but I think this is now the longest (or else the 2nd longest) relationship I've seen him in since we met! Obviously I really can't do anything about my feelings unless they break up. Which just makes me feel so shitty. On the one hand I'm really happy for him that it's going well. He definitely deserves that, but on the other hand...well there's this selfish, horrible, evil side of me that's secretly a little bit hopeful whenever he complains that the BF hasn't called him or whatever. And that just makes me feel really bad. How could I be so selfish and jealous that I'd feel this way? ESPECIALLY since to be honest I still don't think I would be able to do anything about my feelings if they did break up. I just don't think I could risk it. It's one thing to hit on some random guy at a club or a party or something and hope it works out, but dating one of your best friends is major. If we dated and it worked it would drastically change the whole dynamic of our group. If we dated and broke up it would...drastically change the whole dynamic of our group. If he weren't interested and I felt rejected it would...well you get the point.
     
    And anyway, I really don't get the impression that he's the least bit interested
     
    On top of all of that there's serious talk about me moving in with Scott and William in May when my lease is up. Which is just a completely different can of worms that I'll go into another time.
     
    So that my friends, it's what's going on in my life!
     
    LOL, is it any wonder I've always found close friendships with lesbians less complicated?
  6. AFriendlyFace

    He really hates me

    By AFriendlyFace,

    ...I didn't realize that until tonight.
     
    So everyone remember the friend former friend who ended our relationship coldly and completely with a letter? Well, it sucked alot, and it hurt like hell, as I'm sure you've all gathered from my blogs. It didn't help that the events transpired while I was physically as sick as I've been in years, and shortly before I quit my job and broke up with my boyfriend. In fact I think there's some old adage somewhere about striking someone with your foot while they're already in the prone position that might apply here. No matter, I got over it.
     
    I went through a great deal of Sh*+ during that period of time, but I survived and I'll be damned if I'm not healthier, happier, and more secure in my other relationships than I was prior to it all. I did the whole, shocked-sad-angry thing; then I accepted it. At this point I can truthfully say he rarely enters my thoughts unless someone else brings him up, and even in those instances in which he does, they are immediately followed by a slightly wistful, but very much dismissive "oh well".
     
    So, I just sorta thought it was over. I just figured "okay, so he's out of my life now". Only he isn't. He's damn well making people I care about, one in particular, sad because of our old issues.
     
    The way he justified this whole break in our relationship was, "before things get bad and we hurt each other and our mutual friends..." He was exceedingly clear on the point that he intended to be pleasant when our paths were forced to cross because of similar social circles and recreational activities. And silly me I took him on his word. Fast forward two and a half months later, and I couldn't care less about what he does, where he does it, or who he does it with. I'm completely comfortable going to parties, clubs, meetings, and any other events at which he might be present. I'd be fine if someone said, "how about if the two of us, X, Y, Z, and {him}, all go grab some dinner and watch a movie?"
     
    For the most part I thought he was there too. But he's not. Tonight I had a very long, emotional conversation with my best friend (yes the one I blogged about who mentioned "what if we were dating?") about how upset he is that he can't hang out with both of us together. How much his friendship with the other guy has suffered since all of this happened. etc, etc. I guess I shoulda known that. I mean we're together alot so logically I should have realized that he mustn't be spending very much time with the other guy, but I suppose I sorta blocked that out, or just ignored it as "none of my business anymore".
     
    It all came up because he's planning a party for Monday, and we were thinking up a guest list. Naturally he said, "but I want X to come". So of course I said, "so invite him". "He wouldn't come because he knows you'll be there" And so the conversation went...Turns out he's been declining all sorts of invitations and avoiding all sorts of events because I'll be there. We all go to one particular thing every month (the same get together I described earlier in that other blog entry), and I thought that was going pretty well. I was proud of how well we were doing. So I asked, "what about that?" And that's when I found out that his stance is "I already have to see Kevin once a month, so I'm certainly not going to hang out with him anymore than that".
     
    And I feel sorry for the bastard. I can well imagine that the more he isolates himself, and stews on it all the more angry, hurt, and resentful he gets. I also felt bad because the last time he ended up sitting by himself while the rest of the group sat with me. I even said to my two closest friends "maybe one of you should go and sit with him". I don't want him to feel left out. More than that, I don't want the others to feel like they have to "choose". And basically I guess that did happen. The more we discussed it, and the more my friend rattled off a list of people that were affected by all of this the more I realized I was able to mentally go, "his friend, my friend, his friend, my friend, etc. etc."...they used to just be our friends. I was elated last night to run into and spend time with one person I haven't seen since "the letter", who, to be truthful, I'd been purposely not calling because I was trying to make sure that they remained friends.
     
    This is just ridiculous! Incidentally another guest to the before mentioned party planed for Monday will be my actual ex-boyfriend. Only, that's just not a big deal because for all the tears and pain, we actually managed to break up and stay civil to each other (for real!!). In fact I'm truthfully very much looking forward to seeing him, and I'm genuinely glad to hear that he's with someone else now, and happy.
     
    *sigh*
     
    So, now I'm just going to have to suck it up and fix this for the sake of the people I care about. When it happened he said that he never wanted to have purposeful contact with me again, and I agreed to honour that request and respond in kind...guess I lied.
     
    I really don't have any desire to be close with him again, indeed I think I'd have a great deal of trouble trusting him. Nevertheless I'm going to have figuratively thump him over the head until he quits sulking and gets on with life. Otherwise, evidently, no one else can either
  7. AFriendlyFace

    Prejudice

    By AFriendlyFace,

    I do not see you as a colour.
     
    I do not care where you were born.
     
    I respect your religion but I will not think about you in terms of it.
     
    I do not judge you based on the neighbourhood you live in.
     
    I am sensitive of your disability but I will not exclude you because of it, nor will I allow you to use it as a permanent excuse.
     
    I will not respect you any more or less solely because of your education level.
     
    I will assume responsibility of exactly one half of all communication break downs that are a result of language differences.
     
    I do not view you as a number.
     
     
     
    I'm so damn sick of prejudice. Racism. Anti-religious and anti-cultural sentiments. Elitism. Ethnocentrism.
     
    It's stupid, tedious, and frickin' pointless.
     
    It's also completely ubiquitous. The nicest people will suddenly be ranting about Mexicans. An otherwise sane individual assumes all Jews, Muslims, Protestants, Catholics, or athiests are out to get them or whatever group they belong to. The list just goes on and on ad nauseum (and believe me I'm pretty "nauseous" about the whole thing).
     
    Of course the sad thing is that after awhile a great many people of whatever scorned group we're discussing will in turn become distrustful and malevolent toward everyone else of that other group.
     
    You think that black girl won't be racist, but then she'll say crap about another minority and expect that whites will treat her lousy.
     
    You assume that poor man will respect your differences in background because perhaps you realize he had it tough...then you find out he thinks you are stupid and lazy.
     
    You would guess that the senior citizen wouldn't exclude or ignore others because of age...but she does.
     
    You hope that because someone was once a foreigner themselves they will be patient with those who are inexperienced in their ways; they aren't.
     
    Then there's the people who seem impervious to prejudice. She completely respects other races. She doesn't care about economic statuses, she doesn't think life begins at 18, nor does she assume it ends at 65. ...then you find out she's anti ANY religion.
     
    He has the utmost amount of respect for religion. Race just doesn't matter. Neither does age...but he's an elitist snob.
     
    He doesn't think of less of someone based on their income. He respects and champions the rights of the disabled. ...but he's a racist.
     
    Unfortunately these are real people I know/have known, and believe me I could go on.
     
    It makes me sick and disappoints me to no end. And I try to be patient with it. I try to be as respectful as possible while asserting my own belief in equality. I remind myself that they come from different backgrounds, and that they grew up in a different atmosphere, that everyone is different, that no one is perfect. But there comes a point where I just want to thump them and say "LOOK, what you're doing! This is the same attitude you (rightly) despise in X situation"
     
    It sucks even more that because I'm a young, educated, white, Christian, male from the south I have to go the extra mile to earn the respect of countless groups, groups I usually spend a great deal of time defending behind their back.
     
    Well here's a newsflash: I'm not racist. I want to learn more about your language/culture. I like women, especially lesbians. You won't make me uncomfortable by being yourself. And I've probably heard or done it all before myself.
     
    I'm not trying to say everyone is screwed up. I've known a couple of other people who didn't seem to hold any of these prejudices, but the fact is it's almost pointless to say "I won't associate with anyone who is prejudiced", because I can only think of about three people I've ever known who I can say with near certainty weren't at all prejudiced in any way. There are countless others who may not be prejudiced, but there's also a very good chance I just didn't find their area of prejudice and/or they had the social skills and sense to cover it up. Besides this small handful of truly accepting people to which I refer certainly had other issues in abundance.
     
    Am I "perfect" with regards to prejudice? Well no. I confess I have a strong preference for...well women and minorities. I'll probably initially automatically trust you more if you're a woman or a male who is non-straight, a non-native born American, a member of a minority race/religion, a senior citizen/minor, or someone chronically ill/disabled/handicapped. It's stupid. I know there are a lot of very nice healthy, straight, white, American guys, between the ages of 18 and 64, but this is the demographic that has to "prove" themselves to me to some extent, whereas I'll generally operate under the assumption that other groups of people are going to be nifty until proven otherwise.
     
    At least I know this about myself. I would never argue that this unconscious reaction is correct. I would never trash talk about/to these people, and if I focus and stay cognizant about this reaction I usually remind myself it's probably wrong and definitely unfair.
  8. AFriendlyFace
    So I've been having a really wonderful few weeks!!
     
    Incredibly awesome actually! Everything's going well and I've been having a blast!
     
    Something interesting happened yesterday that made me feel a bit like I was in a sitcom. As I mentioned in my comments in the last blog, my best friend had kinda sorta started seeing this guy. It was confusing, and the other guy didn't really know what he wanted. Meanwhile, I'd been kinda, sorta seeing this cute Japanese boy *cues Vapors song* Actually that was...nondescript too....well actually it was just a fling. At the same time our other good friend was in an actual relationship with this other guy.
     
    Now it's the final pairing that was actually the most problematic for everyone involved. Basically we (me, 'good friend' from previous entries, and our other two friends) were all trying to be supportive of their relationship, and nice to the guy...only he kinda made us all uncomfortable. He kept hitting on us, all of us! In front of his boyfriend/our friend no less, and in very flagrant ways!
     
    Anyway, we all went out the other night, had dinner/movie nights, get togethers, etc. and it was all really fun, only over the last two days we've all ended our respective...situations. So New Year's Eve comes and we're all sitting around, drinking, playing games, setting off fireworks*, etc., sans the boyfriends. It just struck me that right at the New Year we were all back where we'd started from (granted all these flings were very limited in duration and the longest - the actual relationship one - was about three weeks). Still hanging out, and having fun together, but all ready to start the dating game over again. Just seemed like the ending of a sitcom Holiday Special.
     
     
    In other news, my New Year's resolution is to give up chocolate(!) which is of course my biggest healthy lifestyle sin. I'm also considering joining a gym with the non-drinking friend (see footnote ). I'm not sure if I should though. I mean I actively don't want to bulk up or gain a lot of muscle (I really like the slender look not just on others, but on myself as well), and overall I'm pretty happy with my body. On the other hand, it would probably be fun, and regardless I could use more exercise!
     
    Ohh, I also got a permanent job...well, as permanent as possible, I doubt I'll do it (or any job really) forever, but I can see myself happily doing it until I either move away from Houston or finish my schooling and get that Ph.D. I want (which is just so far in the future, it'd probably be more likely that I'll move away first). Anyway, I really like it! It's an office position working for a company that does assisted living for seniors. It feels rewarding and relevant, and it's far enough into the "human services" field that it seems semi-related to what I'll eventually further my education in. Anyway, what I like best about it is the schedule (M-F, 9-5 - which IMO is pretty much the perfect schedule assuming you're working 40 hours a week), as well as the general stability of the whole thing.
     
    So yeah, while I could tell you all lots of specific stories about happy happenstances, as well as a few sombre situations, that have been occurring, I shan't bother. I'll just end this on:
     
    I'm doing great, everything's going well, and the world's a lovely place!
     
    I hope everyone had an awesome New Year's day, and may the coming year bring you all a great deal of peace, love, happiness, and all that other nifty stuff that people like so much
     

    Take care all!
     
     
    *before someone points out how irresponsible it is to drink and play with fireworks - which I agree with - I want to point out that the person lighting them was one of our good friends who was not only not drinking, but doesn't drink at all.
  9. AFriendlyFace

    The Talk

    By AFriendlyFace,

    Hey everyone! I've still got a buncha stuff I need to take care of, but I really wanted to blog about something (and respond to several of the other blogs) so I've decided that I'll just try to relegate myself exclusively to the blogs for the next couple weeks. Anyway...
     
    I think the trouble with being a gay male is that often your friends will also be a gay males, and unfortunately that combo "pairs up". Basically, while I think dating a friend can often work really well, in general I try to avoid doing those sorts of things - unless I intend to give it a shot from the very beginning - because it just seems like an easy way to wreck a friendship.
     
    For example last year I met this nice guy and we became friends and started hanging out then... WHAM! He suddenly started treating me like his boyfriend (without even consulting me first ), and then things just got really awkward and while we parted on good terms we didn't talk or see each other at all for about two months (now we're friends again and everything is fine ).
     
    Anyway, if you guessed that this isn't some sort of random pondering, you are correct. See, basically since all the drama with Andrew and "former friend" I've been spending a great deal of time with with a different friend. He's really been awesome during all of this and we've been having a lot of fun.
     
    Anyway, people have started mistaking us for boyfriends, and I guess it was something that had crossed both of our minds. Well last night we were hanging out shopping/bar hopping in a really fun part of town. Anyway we left a shop where yet another cashier seemed to be under the impression that we were together - no big deal right? I mean it happens all the time. Well, this time as we were walking down the sidewalk he said "you know it would be perfect if we were in a relationship since everyone thinks we are anyway". Then we just sorta had an awkward conversation about it. Fortunately though, we ran into this girl we know from church (who also thinks we're together, lol), and chatting with her for awhile effectively changed the conversation.
     
    Anyway, I'm pretty sure he'd like to give dating a chance, but I...well I don't think I want to. It's ironic because when we first met I was interested, then we just sort of got in the "friend zone". He's adorable and wonderful, but I just think it would be a bad idea. For one thing I think I would be devastated if it didn't work and we broke up. I mean I've lost so many people I was close to for one reason or another over the last 5 months that I just don't know if I could handle losing him too. Plus, while I think it could be good for awhile I just don't think it would would work out in the forever sense.
     
    Apart from all that...I just don't really know what I want in general right now. I mean I keep thinking I just want a nice break from guys, then the more I think about it the more I think what I really want is a couple of casual, carefree, non-serious relationships. Perhaps that sounds bad, but I'm just...drained emotionally when it comes to stuff like this and I'd just like something fun in which we're not thinking about the future. Don't get me wrong, I do want to meet "Mr. Right", but honestly I think I want to meet a couple of "Mr. Right Now"s first.
     
    Anyway, any relationship I had with him would definitely not be casual or light, it would be intense and serious. Besides all that I just don't feel that kind of spark with him right now.
     
    So I don't know what to do. I guess it's possible that we can just go on like we've been doing, and maybe having had that conversation will sorta clear the air and it won't come up again. Really, I was surprised he brought it up at all because by his own admission he usually doesn't initiate things like that. I guess I even sort of felt like it wasn't something I needed to worry about because it wouldn't happen unless I made it happen...but just saying that makes me feel guilty. I mean that's a pretty selfish attitude.
     
    *sigh* This is undoubtedly why many of my best friends have been lesbians. Simply because there's always the possibility (in someone's mind) of something more with gay boys/gay boys or gay boys/straight girls or, I suppose, even gay boys/straight boys - although thankfully I rarely crush on straight guys and have never had a full blown "I think I'm in love with him" moment.
     
    Anyway, I've got to go get ready for a Christmas party we're attending together.
  10. AFriendlyFace

    I'll miss you guys

    By AFriendlyFace,

    Hey everyone,
     
    I'll be away until at least after the New Year because I have some personal matters to take care of.
     
    Anyway, I'll miss you all, and no one worry about me, I'm fine and shall continue to be.
     
    In the mean time I love ya all and I'm wishing you the best!
     
    Take care everyone and happy holidays!
    -Kevin
  11. AFriendlyFace
    And it really shouldn't bother me...but it sorta does.
     
    So you guys remember when I wrote about how I broke up with the ex-boyfriend right after my, then close friend, "broke up" with me because he couldn't handle the fact that I was with the ex-boyfriend because he wanted him too? Well now they're dating!
     
    I hadn't seen either of them since the respective break ups, but I'd continued talking on the phone periodically and texting with the ex.
     
    Anyway yesterday I went to a gay social function and the former friend was there. No big deal, I pretty much figured he would be, and really it was more his "turf" than mine anyway, in that he's been attending it regularly for much much longer than me. However, it's a public event, a different friend wanted me to go, and I wanted to go, so I figured "screw it, we can practice that whole 'being civil to each other' thing we agreed on".
     
    So I was actually having a really fun time, I was sitting at this round table eating with 6 other guys around our age, most of whom were mutual friends of both of us, and apart from my good friend that had talked me into going I hadn't seen any of them for several weeks. SO we were all laughing and talking and having a really good time, and me and former friend were doing pretty good. I mean neither one of us was being rude or sulky, we were both freely interjecting into the conversation and even talking to each other where necessary.
     
    Well finally someone makes a remark about Catholics (a neutral remark, not insulting or supportive. Can't even remember what it was) and then jokingly adds, "but of course you, wouldn't feel that" to former friend (who is an atheist). So FF responds, "oh come on, I don't have a problem with them. I am dating Andrew after all" (Andrew is the ex and a Catholic).

     
    So yeah, that's how I found out. And of course being in a big group of people I had to act unphased by it. But good friend just changed the subject and we went on with things.
     
    I just felt...AHHHH. I mean first of all I was just surprised, then a bit angry, then hurt, then I just felt like a fool because I didn't know.
     
    So afterward I asked good friend why he didn't tell me, and he said that he only found out last week and that he really felt like it wasn't his place. So yeah, I can see that, and granted it probably wasn't a conversation he particularly wanted to have with me. So I wasn't really mad/hurt that he didn't tell me, and obviously since FF and I have cut all contact he couldn't tell me. No, it's Andrew that needed to tell me, and it's stupid because, YES, it does bother me a little bit, I can't help that, but overall I see that it's really none of my business. It's just that if we're trying to be "friends" I think he needed to tell me.
     
    Anyway, apart from the surprise and the hurt that he didn't tell me (and the embarrassment of feeling like the last to know in front of everyone), I guess I really shouldn't care. I mean it really isn't any of my business anymore. Plus, I really could have had Andrew back if I'd wanted to, and in fact I'd even encouraged him to go ahead and talk to FF because I do still care about him, and yes, FF is a good listener and I really thought it would make him feel better (oh look I was right). And the first time he was going to see him after our drama he even said "I won't see him if you don't want me to", so I can't fault him for seeing him, and I'm not an idiot, I realized that this might easily happen. It's just that I didn't know it had.
  12. AFriendlyFace

    My Approach to life

    By AFriendlyFace,

    Hi everyone,
     
    So I'm probably not the best person to give advice to others, but I am feeling pretty cheerful/content right now, despite all the junk life's been throwing at me recently. So anyway here's a few things I have opinions on. If nothing else it'll be nice for me to have them written down somewhere.
     
    My Approach to Life:
     
    -Learn how to be happy alone; if you don't enjoy your company why should anyone else?
     
    -Always accept people's help and support, but always try to give more than you take.
     
    -Don't freak out or be embarrassed when you don't know something; find out.
     
    -Embrace people and things you don't understand; they're the ones you'll learn from.
     
    -No one can make a fool of you, but you.
     
    -Whenever you meet someone new assume you'll like them. If you don't it won't be your fault.
     
    -Listen to people's advice. Make your own decisions.
     
    -Things are fun: collect them, play with them, use them, but don't let them control you.
     
    -Everyone has slightly different values and morals; that's fine.
     
    -Confidence is the most attractive thing a person can wear; arrogance is the least.
     
    -Don't let anyone intimidate you. Hold your head high when you walk. You know who you are; they don't.
     
    -Trust people; they'll rarely let you down.
     
    -Forgive them and get over it when they do.
     
    -Take care of yourself; you're all you've got.
     
    -Laugh
     
    -Most offenses can be overcome with a smile and an apology.
     
    -Be happy even if your circumstances try to dictate otherwise.
     
    -Don't be afraid to cry; it makes you stronger.
     
    -Never hold back a compliment.
     
    -If they don't want you: leave. You can do better.
     
    -Make a joke; make a friend
     
    -In the words of Sheryl Crow: "If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad"
     
    -If it doesn't make sense, turn it over and look again.
     
    -Don't burn a bridge; just build a raft.
     
    -If you don't like something, change it.
     
    -If they don't like something...well that's really not your problem.
     
    -Honesty is great; kindness is better.
     
    -Don't expect too much.
     
    -Hope for a great deal.
     
    -People's intentions matter.
     
    -Don't view things as absolute; it's all relative.
     
    -Things get better and even when they don't new things come along to replace them.
     
    -Don't give up, but don't be stubborn
     
    -If it hurts deal with it, then learn from it.
     
    -Be spontaneous; you can't get lost if you don't know where you're going.
  13. AFriendlyFace

    Blond Ambition

    By AFriendlyFace,

    Well, how else would I commemorate a new path for my life than by getting a make over? Shortly after writing my last blog I got my hair restyled and dyed. I went for a shorter, messier style and a fairly flashy blond. I got my brows waxed and dyed as well, and hit up a few of my favourite shops for some new outfits. I also started the lastest round of teeth whitening products, and restructured my skin care regimen. Shallow and vail I know, but all in all I'm very pleased with the results. I have to admit that today with my light blond hair and deep blue shirt - which complimented my eyes nicely - I felt like a re-energized, stronger, more successful version of my recent sick and emotionally numb self.
     
    Naturally I harnessed all this self-assurance and put myself back into the job market. I spent the day interviewing and generally searching for appealing positions. I could have had a new career in financial services, but I elected to stick to my guns and not accept a job I knew I would ultimately find unfulfilling (ala my last three jobs ). So, now it looks like I'll most likely be working temp office jobs until I go back to school for my Masters (hopefully next August ). Granted, there's no way I'll find these other jobs especially fulfilling either, but at least their transitory nature will make it easier for me to avoid getting tied down as well as provide me with the flexibility to pursue my academic, social, and recreational interests. I'm fine with taking imperfect, little jobs, but at this point I'm unwilling to commit to a long-term career that I simply won't like. (well, in a way I'm sure I'd "like" just about any job, but some just won't ultimately "do it" for me, ya know?).
     
    In other news Andrew (ex-boyfriend) and I may get back together...may not...he wants it...I want it, but I'm not sure it's a good idea...well I guess I don't really know what I want at all...which is a fascinating reversal since prior to the break-up I was the one that knew what he wanted and he was the one with the conflicted message. *shrug* Basically, the break up was because it's a slightly long-distance relationship (not even THAT long, about an hour's drive, heck technically we both live in Houston since it's so large), and because he's not out and still dependent on his family. One time we went out in his area and he happened to know one of the other waitresses at the restaurant so we had to pretend to be "friends". and in general we couldn't really go out in his area, and it just wasn't practical for him to always come to mine. Now I was mostly okay with all of this...he wasn't. It was getting really hard for him to be in a relationship and closeted and the distance thing seemed to really be wearing him down. Now I'm just a little reluctant to do it all over again because really nothing has changed and I'm pretty sure he's still going to be hurt, stressed, and frustrated in a few weeks. Anyway, I just keep thinking it's not fair to him or to me, but at the same time he's a really great guy and I just feel like I'd be passing up something really awesome.
     
    As for Brian, the friend that "broke up" with me, I received another letter in the mail from him today. Basically it was re-affirming his desire of us to be out of each other's lives. Only oddly enough this one was considerably nicer and more heart-felt...hell, if he'd written something more along these lines in the first place I probably wouldn't have been as hurt and pissed. On the other hand that might simply be the time and perspective I now have on the situation talking. In any case I feel ALOT better about everything now, and I was basically over it before anyway, so I think I'm good to go.
     
    Actually the biggest problem here will probably be with our mutual friends and activities. I think we're both committed to not making it weird or hard for them and trying not to put them in the middle, but let's face it they're still going to be uncomfortable, and no matter how much we say we won't, we'll probably both cancel/avoid some activities (even if we have good intentions like not wanting to make it hard for the other person or the other people there). In fact we've already been putting a couple of our friends in the middle even though I'm sure we're both trying not to (obviously it's just hard for them to stay uninvolved)
     
    Finally, I have to say a great big THANK YOU to everyone who offered support and encouragement over the past week. You guys have no idea how much that meant to me or how much that HELPED! THANKS! :hug:
     
    I also realized that I have a really good support system of friends here in Houston as well as in various other parts of the country. It's just encouraging, warming, and ...fuzzy and I have the slightly embarrassing but great feeling you get when you know people have done something wonderful for you and you know you'll never be able to repay them.
     
    Anyway, I feel like my life is back on track (mostly ), and I appreciate everything guys
  14. AFriendlyFace
    And this one's certainly sucked big time!
     
    There's little point in me sitting here whining about it and there's very little constructive good that this blog entry can make, but just as a general update of my life...
     
    Things didn't work out with the new old boyfriend. We broke up tonight. It was a nice break up I suppose. I mean we were both primarily concerned with not hurting each other, it was mostly mutual, and we're probably going to remain friends. Perhaps one day I'll write a blog about the whole thing, start to finish, but I don't particularly feel like it right now.
     
    Yesterday I quit my job. I had been sick a few days before that, and I was under a lot of stress, and in general everything was worse because of the crazy, random hours I had to work, plus there are quite a few things I need to do with my life that I couldn't have done while working that schedule. So I quit. I feel really good about my decision, just a little stressed about finding a new job and what comes next.
     
    Prior to that, almost a week ago now, my best friend (in Houston) "broke up" with me. For the past three weeks or so there have been quite a few problems in our relationship. The breaking straw was apparently my new relationship with Andrew (that was his name). Basically it all came down to my friend having issues with it and me apparently not seeing that until it was too late. Actually though, while I was hurt at the time - and very surprised - I feel okay with that as well. The way I see it my brief relationship with Andrew wasn't really relevant to our relationship. If he felt the need to end it, it had problems anyway (which it certainly did).
     
    So, in the span of a week I've lost a boyfriend, friend, and job. I'm sure I should be much more upset than I am right now. I mostly feel numb and overwhelmed by the whole thing. I sorta wish I were more upset because I feel like I must be in damage control, repressing mode right now, and that's not really the best way to get over this stuff.
     
    It is good that my head is fairly clear though. I'm just going to go on. I'm going to find a new job, I'm going to forge stronger relationships with my other friends, I'm going to try to be there for Andrew but not too close and hopefully we'll work out a nice friendship in the end as well.
     
    I'm going to go on.
  16. AFriendlyFace

    Thinking of you

    By AFriendlyFace,

    I was sitting in a restaurant this evening have dinner and people watching and there was this average, middle-aged guy sitting at the next table. The waitress came over to him and asked if he was ready, and he replied that he was still waiting for his wife. So about 10 minutes later his phone rings and he answers it and says:
     
    "Hi hun *pause* I'm just sitting here at the restaurant reading a magazine and thinking of you. *pause* okay I'll see you when you get here"
     

     
    I just thought that was the sweetest thing "sitting here thinking of you." It's really nice.
     
     
    So I went to a delightful dinner party Saturday. It was hosted by a good friend of mine and naturally the guests included several of his closest friends and their boyfriends. I, myself, was already good friends with one of the other guests and knew a couple of the other people in attendance. Anyway I was sitting next to his best friend, whom I already knew slightly from experience, and well through reputation.
     
    **sigh**
     
    I'd already thought the guy was beautiful the few times I had seen him. He also turned out to be extremely sweet, smart as a whip, successful, gifted with a lively, witty personality, and to top it all off possessed with a killer set of morals and compassion....Unfortunately he also has a boyfriend
     
    Figures, I mean why would a guy like that stay on the market? His boyfriend wasn't there, and I've only met him once, and never engaged on one on one conversation with him, but from what my mutual friends tell me it's a really good relationship and they see it lasting long-term. Which is great of course, but I was seriously enamored of this guy. That seldom happens to me. I mean I can easily appreciate an attractive, desirable person, but usually I don't actually get to the "crush" stage. And I almost never let it happen if it's a straight guy or a partnered gay guy. So this just took me off guard.
     
    I guess the worst/best part of the whole thing is that we're very likely to continue associating with each other. It's also complicated because pretty much all my friends are part of this big, extended group of twenty-something year old gays and lesbians. In fact, several years prior - before I knew any of them - he dated and had a fairly serious relationship with another friend of mine (so I had indeed heard a great deal about him by reputation). Also, his current boyfriend - the one I barely know - happened to be a fairly good friend of Jesse's (my close friend from several other previous blog entries). And completely coincidentally he - the guy I like - knew one of the other guest's brand new boyfriend (who was also in attendance). This was really weird because of course said guest was friends with a couple of other guests (and obviously the host) and I, myself had heard about him through reputation as well, but his new boyfriend was completely unfamiliar to everyone else except the guy I like (who didn't actually know the first guy - the one the rest of us knew/knew of - ...this is confusing I know, but I don't want to use names since I've told several of them about this site and I don't want to invade anyone's privacy). Anyway the point is I feel like I'm just trapped in this big circle of people without any real fresh blood. This is stupid I know. Indeed on many levels I'm pleased to have found my niche with these people, but it gets complicated sometimes.
     
    Anyway, I actually want to spend more time with the guy. We have several interests in common so I'm thinking I may ask my friend for his number. Obviously I would never pursue someone who was in a relationship, but he really did seem like a cool guy, so I'd like to form a friendship with him in our own right. Besides, most of the time when I actually get to know someone I'm attracted to I quit thinking about them in that way and just view them as an adorable friend...and who can't use one more adorable friend?
  17. AFriendlyFace
    So this is a rather long, probably pointless-for-anyone-else-to-read-but-I'm-glad-I-wrote-it entry about my feelings regarding the balance of support, neediness, and power in my ideal relationship. On a side note I'm beginning to get very irritated with the casual, sloppy, informal way I've been writing blogs and posts lately. Still...WHATEVER!
     
    ************************************************
     
     
    So I was driving to work today when "Ever the Same" by Rob Thomas came on the radio. I'd never particularly given much notice to the song. I mean I didn't hate it or anything, but I usually tended to check around to see if there was something livelier on a different station. Anyway, I happened to actually be paying attention this time and I heard the line "Just let me hold you while you're falling apart". This really caught my interest and I actually paid attention to the rest of the song. Turns out it seems like it expresses my feelings toward love and relationships pretty well.
     
    It's actually kinda unnerving, because I really don't like what this says about me. However, I've always been a firm believer in truthful introspection and not being afraid to go anywhere in your own head, so I gave the matter some serious thought for the rest of my drive. Actually it's something I've often realized and considered before.
     
    Basically, intellectually I firmly believe in equality in relationships, and I'm all about it being between two co-independent people. Two individuals who are together not because they're lacking something on their own. Not because they have to be or because they need each other, but simply because they want to be. Two strong, self-actualized individuals who can handle life on their own but have formed an alliance based on mutual affection and respect, an agreement to make things better for each other. I've always thought needing someone, or lacking something on your own was a horrible reason to get into a relationship.
     
    That said, I have to admit I'm drawn to people who need me, people who might need a bit of protecting. It's not just with romantic interests either, I tend to do that with friendships as well, and working relationships, and even learning relationships. Like for example at school I often tutored people in some of the more difficult subjects, and to be honest I'm not sure I'd have paid attention and worked as hard on my own understanding of them if I hadn't been thinking in the back of my mind "___ is going to be asking for help later. I'd better get this." At all the jobs I've ever had I've always worked hard to take care of my responsibilities quickly so that I could help out my co-workers.
     
    It's also true that there's no quicker, more effective way to get sympathy and affection from me than to look like you need it. It's probably also no coincidence that conversely I find arrogance and over-confidence to be extremely unattractive. I even admit that as far back as high school I can remember people saying, "So and so whines to much" and responding, "really? I think it's kinda cute."
     
    But where does this leave me and what does this say about me? I know the unflattering flip side is that I like to be the strong, together one. I also admit that several almost relationships didn't work out because there was a sort of mini-power struggle going. That's also probably been my biggest fear about gay relationships. How do two "alpha males" set aside their egos and prides long enough to open up and trust each other, even rely on each other (because ideally I don't think people should have to rely on each other in a relationship, but once the relationship is underway I think it's good to...that makes more sense in my head ). Of course that's also always been one of the most appealing things about gay relationships. I mean it's all about the potential for equality and egalitarianism. I confess I totally "get off" on that intellectually and emotionally. I also feel like I'm a pretty nurturing, supportive person, and I can definitely put my ego aside and defer to people I care about in the areas that they're good at and that are important to them, but it sorta has to work both ways. I can only bring myself to do that if they do the same for me and if they're also willing to show some vulnerability. I love seeing people I care about being strong, successful, and confident. It's just if they always seem that way with regards to everything then it just feels like they don't need me.
     
    And that of course is the root of the problem I'm perceiving. I have to feel needed. I have to feel like I'm contributing something very necessary and important or else I get petulant and all around whiny. Which I hate. I also hate how this tendency indicates that I'll end up letting someone use me and cast me aside if I'm not careful. Actually they'll use me and cast me aside if I'm lucky. If I'm unlucky they'll probably just keep using me and manipulating my affections. Yet, I'm aware of this and I've just as often dodged this particular bullet. More than a few guys have acted needy and weak around me and insinuated that they needed me to "complete them". Fortunately I've always noticed this. I've always thought "I'll be damned if I'm going to live my life as your keeper". Of course these are also the guys I have trouble extracting myself from. I really do freak out if I think I've hurt someone. So it's much easier to avoid the I'm-tough-I-don't-need-anyone type, and they're much easier to leave behind (after all, obviously they'll be fine).
     
    The real danger is in the boys who are sincere. The ones who are just sweet and adorable, but not completely "together". The ones who don't want to use people. These are the ones I could see myself accidentally developing an unhealthy relationship with.
     
    But ignoring all of that, what does it say about me as a person that I need to be needed? Oh I suppose everyone needs to be needed, but I feel like I have the "superhero syndrome" worse than most. The scariest thing of all of course is what if I'm with someone who's just awesome and wonderful on his own, and doesn't need me (which ostensibly is ideal in the first place! )? Will I ultimately be bitter and resentful of his success? ...I don't really think so because that's not me, but what I can see happening is me feeling all around sad and weak. Perhaps I'll eventually grow to feel like some kind of burden on him or something. I suppose it depends on how well I'm doing in my own life. But that's just the most F*(&ed up part of all. My happiness for him shouldn't have anything to do with what's going on with me. I should be able to be a complete failure and still be happy for the one I love.
     
    I think this even affects my physical attractions to guys. Like a lot of gay guys have a fetish for cops, or soldiers, or fireman, but personally I find that to be a mild turn-off. I similarly am not attracted to big, strong, muscular looking guys. No, for me it's twinks all the way, but really I think what this is embodying is smaller guys. Like I would be very uncomfortable dating someone who was more than a couple of inches taller than me, but I could date someone quite a bit shorter. Someone about my build or more "slight" would be ideal too. This is probably why I've also always been completely uninterested in older guys. No, I like guys about my age or a bit younger.
     
    Oh I've always followed the whole "equal in everything" thing, and said that ideally the guy would be about my height, build, weight, age, etc., and I really think that would be ideal, but there's no denying that I have more flexibility with variations on one side versus the other. I'm sure this has to do with me needing to feel like I could "protect" him if necessary.
     
    Yet, in general it would just be ludicrous of me to pretend that I don't like being the center of attention. That I don't like being spoiled and pampered. That I wouldn't jump all over the opportunity to be able to just quit working and do what I wanted all day everyday. No, I definitely like to be taken care of too. Sometimes when life is kicking extra hard I even think how nice it would be to have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me that they'll handle whatever mess is coming at us. The emotional safety and security would be nice, really nice.
     
    Certainly this all goes back to the whole wanting an equal relationship thing. Ideally we'd both be able to handle whatever life threw at us on our own, but we'd be "in it together" and we'd look after each other and handle different things. Yes, that would be nice. I think I have a chance at that, I really do. Besides, last night I got pulled over by this cute, young cop. (didn't get a ticket) Surly just the fact that I found him cute at all means there's hope for me yet.
     
     
     

    Ever The Same


    Rob Thomas

     

    We were drawn from the weeds

    We were brave like soldiers

    Falling down under the pale moonlight

    You were holding to me

    Like a someone broken

    And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now

     

    Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

    Just let me hold you so we both fall down

     

    Fall on me

    Tell me everything you want me to be

    Forever with you forever in me

    Ever the same

     

    We would stand in the wind

    We were free like water

    Flowing down

    Under the warmth of the sun

    Now it's cold and we're scared

    And we've both been shaken

    Look at us

    Man, this doesn't need to be the end

     

    Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

    Just let me hold you so we both fall down

     

    Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be

    Forever with you

    Forever in me

    Ever the same

    Call on me

    I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me

    Forever it's you

    Forever in me

    Ever the same

     

    You may need me there

    To carry all your weight

    But you're no burden I assure

    You tide me over

    With a warmth I'll not forget

    But I can only give you love

  18. AFriendlyFace
    So first off, wow that Killers concert rocked! I had such an awesome time! A band called "Romance Fantasy" opened for them, then the group called "Louis XIV" played. Now actually I had heard of "Louis XIV" before, but I don't think I was familiar with their work. They were pretty good though! The Killers were awesome! They played all their popular songs (obviously), and it was really fun because everyone sang along and stuff!
     
    There was also this adorable gay couple sitting in the row in front of us. It was really cute, they were like really affectionate without being gross with the PDA. I thought it was cool because I'm thinking they were only like 18 or 19 and they just seemed like a good couple. I guess I do have more of a soft spot for "young love" than regular, older people (this is true even for straight people , there was also a cute, young straight couple a few rows away). Anyway, I did find it heartening that they were just out there together having fun. It was also cool that no one really did care or give them a second look. It's very promising for society.
     
    I mean I guess it's not that shocking, or different from what I'm used to. I mean the vast majority of times I go out (including that night), I'm with my gay friends and we're just hanging out being ourselves. And it's not like I haven't been out on dates in mainstream, "heterosexual places" myself. But I really wasn't doing that when I was their age. So anyway, it made me happy even if it did make me feel old for doing the whole "look at the healthy, well-adjusted gay youth" thing.
     
    Anyway, that was Saturday. Sunday was a nice and interesting day. I slept late, worked from home, then around 9:30 made plans to hang out with my friend Brian. Anyway, he lives on the other side of town so naturally I had to get gas before I could go over there. So I'm at the gas station filling up, when this girl in an odd costume walks by and suddenly stops and says: "Kevin!?!" Now my eyesight isn't that great from a distance. In fact I'm supposed to wear glasses ( ), so naturally I couldn't recognize (I can virtually never recognize someone form a distance, even if it's people I see often). So I was confused at first, but when she got closer I realized that it was a girl I used to work with at Olive Garden.
     
    So this girl is quite an interesting case. She's the sort of person who's always got drama going on, and always has these fantastic, albeit hard to believe, stories to tell. I could tell quite a few, but I it would seem pointless and kinda bitchy to do that. Anyway, I do quite like her and it was good to see her again. So it turns out she was working at the strip club a few blocks away (thus the costume). Now this didn't surprise me, because shortly after I left there was a mass exodus of O.G. girls getting jobs at this particular strip club (one got a job there then essentially talked it up and got all the others to go too).
     
    Anyway, apparently she had quit working at the club but was back doing it tonight because she needed the money, because after quitting for the first time she'd moved to Dallas to start her own photography business, come back to Houston to look after her little brother who was suicidal because their parents were splitting up, then her car blew up (literally, the story is that it erupted into flames one afternoon shortly after she and her brother had vacated it), and so she was stuck in Houston with no way to get back to Dallas living with her parents and working at the strip club again to try to save up money to buy another car. On top of this she and her fiance broke up because he developed a drinking problem, but then she pretended to be a lesbian to make him jealous or something ( ).
     
    Anyway, naturally I offered her a ride home. Which turned out to be about 25 miles away in one of Houston's suburbs...apparently she was planning to walk all the way. So anyway, I'm glad I gave her a ride, but man, it sucked that it was that far in the opposite direction from where I was going. I didn't get to my friend's place until after 11:00 (when I said I'd be there at 9:30! I called of course).
     
    Well anyway we hung out for a few hours then I went home and stayed up a couple more hours. Didn't finally get to bed until about 4:30. Then I had to be up at 7:00 to get to a 9:00 o'clock appointment on the other side of town (Houston's HUGE, it has quite a few other side of towns ). Well I get there right on time and...darn if the lady wasn't home! Which actually happens quite a bit , but I was thoroughly ticked because 1) I coulda slept another 3 hours if I hadn't been planning to meet her, and 2) this was like the 3rd time she's done this to me!
     
    So then I get to the office, and the first thing that happens is that they give me my transmittal from last week, which lists all the business I turned in and stuff, and breaks down how I'm getting paid. Well my check was almost $500 less than it was supposed to be!! So I was like "hey what's the deal?", and my sales manager looked at it, and was thoroughly confused and also couldn't figure out why it was so much lower than it shoulda been. Nor could any of the other people in our agency figure it out. So finally after taking it up with the accounting department it turns out that it's because of a very unusual exception to how a very rare circumstance is paid out when it arises. Anyway, basically it meant that my production for the week was about $200 in annualized premium less than I thought it was, which knocked me into a much lower pay bracket, and made me lose two bonuses
     
    Next, we had a little meeting for our sub-agency in which we basically got fussed at for having lousy production for the last two weeks. I'm also pretty sure that this essentially throws a wrench into my plans to go to the SF convention. See our agency is leaving the main office to go start a new office on the other side of town (I should just start abbreviating that OTOSOT ). Which is actually really good for me, because for once this OTOSOT is on the OTOSOT from the main office, BUT it's like right next to my side of town (MSOT). So at least when it opens I won't have far to commute anymore. Anyway, point is that the time table has the new office opening right around the middle of October, which means that things will be really hectic right around the beginning of November. Plus, we're under even more pressure, because as I just said, our production has been down lately. So we have like a lot to prove or whatever Anyway, I'm thinking they won't jump up and down and say "yeah!!! You should totally take some time off then".
     
    So then the rest of my day pretty much sucked too! All my appointments had randomly lousy things come up and I worked my butt off and didn't make a single sale all day Not to mention driving from so many OTOSOT's that I used a whole tank of gas up
     
    On another note, as part of my cruddy day I saw this one guy who was uninsurable because he has colon cancer. So I was talking to one of my friends/coworkers on the phone and mentioned that and she was like "Oh man, what bad luck! That sucks for you!", and I was like "yeah...but it sucks much worse for him. Anyway, that sorta gave me some perspective. I mean it does suck much worse for him, and even my crappy day could have been much worse.
     
    So I'm thinking tomorrow will be better. Yep, definitely going to stay positive about tomorrow.
     
    Anyway, take care all and have an awesome day!
    Kevin
  19. AFriendlyFace

    Mr. Brightside

    By AFriendlyFace,

    SO, I just got a call from a friend. He's got an extra ticket to The Killers concert tonight! SO, I'm going! YAY! I'm so excited, it's been forever since I've been to a concert, and I love The Killers!
     
    Now all I have to do is rearrange my schedule a bit, and figure out a way to look concert worthy within the next three hours!
  20. AFriendlyFace
    So it's a bit silly to be posting this particular blog entry right now, but I was sitting here wondering just how long it's been since I first got a blog here. Turns out it's been nearly two years! My first entry was on November 17th 2005! Since then I've posted 117 entries (counting this one), which comes out to about one per week, but which of course in practice is more like 2 or 3 one week, then 2 or 3 the next month (if that many in some months).
     
    It seems that I posted the most entries per month - 15 - in December 2005, and the least entries per month - 1 - in January 2007. In fact it seems quite apparent that I primarily blogged in the first year; I made 86 blog entries from November 17th 2005 to mid November 2006, and only 31 since last November!
     
    jamessavik was the first to ever comment in my blog! Tob was the third!
     
    Beside the fairly mundane topics and general narratives of my life I've also written 7 purely humourous entries (at least that my intent with them ) which include, in chronological order:
     
    Laughing at Life
    Funny Moments From the Last Year
    I Had to have Another Hit
    A "Wordy" Entry
    Water in my glass; air in my pipes
    Animal Testing and the Joy of Gay Sex
    A lifetime supply of...
     
    I've also posted a "writing exercise":
     
    Beautiful Boys
     
    The shortest entry I ever made (about two and a half lines) was:
    Everyone
     
    Looking back on what I've written it seems that the majority of my favourite entries also took place in that first year. Though I definitely still enjoy writing in this thing
     
    If I had to do an "outline" of my blog I'd say:
    -The first section is about coming out and learning how to be a gay person.
    -The second section chronicles my gradual decision to move away from the state in which I grew up and begin life on my own elsewhere.
    -The third section seems to consist mostly of a great deal of pure introspection mixed with particular events from my daily life.
    -The fourth section is about making my new life in Houston.
    -The 5th corresponds with a period of time when I spent (comparatively) very little time here at GA, and truth be told considered not coming back at all(not due to anything going on here, but instead due to matters in my personal life).
    -The 6th and final section is after I decided to "come back", and it deals with life as it is today for me
     
    It's interesting to note that despite frequently starting polls (or pools ) elsewhere on the site, I've never had one in my blog!
     
    I can only recall deleting one blog entry, and while I remember that it was a pretty negative one, I don't really remember what it was about.
     
    I want to thank everyone who's ever commented, and especially the people who've frequently commented, for putting up with my whining and silliness, and still offering me very excellent insight, opinions, and advice. You guys have helped me more than you could ever know!
     
    Anyway just a little "metablognition"
    Take care all and have an awesome day!
    Kevin
  21. AFriendlyFace
    So today has been totally awesome! I slept really late, caught up with some really fantastic people online ( 's to you guys ), finally got to talk to my friend Claire about her most recent break-up (I was really worried about her from her messages and stuff, but we kept missing each other's calls) and I think she's going to be okay.
     
    Then I caught up on ALOT of household chores, and I'm almost completely done, and I'm just SO much more relaxed and happy when everything's really tidy and clean. Otherwise it just feels like something constantly in the back of my head irritating me.
     
    Anyway, then I decided since it was Labor Day I'd treat myself nice so I went to this little dinner known for their awesome desserts and had a slice of chocolate fudge cake, with ice cream, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce. Oh my gosh SO good! HEHE, but I didn't bother changing out of my PJ's to go (What? I'm enjoying my relaxing, casual day! ). Anyway while there the cashier absolutely raved about my hair and said she thought it was natural (most people seem to think I am a natural redhead).
     
    So then I went to wine and gourmet food market and picked up a bottle of Chardonnay, some Brie, and some fancy crackers, then when I was checking out I was again chatting with the cashier and this one complemented my hair like crazy too! LOL, she even called her co-workers over to have a look. HAHA, who knew doing NOTHING with it would get it so many compliments?!
     
    Anyway, now I'm going to drink my wine, eat my cheese, and write (yes, I've started writing again, but I don't intend to post anything or even start getting it edited and stuff until I've gotten ALOT written).
     
    Take care everyone and I hope you all have a fantastic day!!!
    -Kevin
  22. AFriendlyFace
    Hi all,
     
    I've recently been corresponding with a new friend online and his questions/comments inspired the following passages from me. I decided I'd might as well share them here:
     
    This one's poorly written, but the nature of the message was quick and casual, and I'm not going to edit it, because for some reason I instead feel that it's better to present it unaltered.
    Emotional Fantasy
     
    There was a companion "Sexual Fantasy", but I'm not going to post it here since 1) it's pretty graphic and IMO not appropriate for this blog, and 2) you guys really don't need to know all of my sexual proclivities
     
    I also made the following list of "random things about myself", figured I'd might as well post it. Some them most/some of you probably already knew, but the person I was sending it to didn't. It's also in its original, unaltered form.
    Random things about me
     
    Comments are welcomed, especially if you disagree about some of my viewpoints in the "random things about me" section. These are the kinds of things I really like to think about, and also discuss, so I'd be happy to have a debate about them.
     
    Take care all and have an awesome day!
  23. AFriendlyFace
    So my hair has been alot of different colours in the past few years. In fact it's been practically every semi-natural (and a few unnatural ) colours. However, it's most typically been some shade of red or blonde. Well it was blonde till last week, quite an understated blonde at that. Well I thought, "why not liven it up?". Of course I can no longer do really wacky colours with the job I have, so naturally I went with red. Red with blonde hi-lites actually, and when I fix it up properly it sort of looks like something you'd see on an anime character. I quite like it. Unfortunately things have been pretty cruddy since I did it.
     
    I think it's my birthday that's doing it. I mean true enough things at work have been kinda sucky lately...very sucky actually, but I think the over-riding thing has mostly just been my attitude, and I know that's related to the birthday thing. I hate, hate, hate getting older. I hate the passing of time in general. It really irks me when time seems to "fly". Days go by far to quickly, as do weeks and months for that matter, but a whole year? GRRRRRRR!
     
    My birthday always pretty much symbolizes a new year for me. Much more than New Year's. New Year's has never really seemed like the start of a new year. It goes back to when I was a kid. To me as a school kid each grade was a new year. It seemed absurd that the new year would try to start right in the middle of the proper school year. No, a new year always began on the day I went back to school, and it always finished up the day before I started a new year at school. And of course having a birthday at the end of August always meant that my birthday tended to happen right at the start of a new year (indeed several of the schools around here are starting tomorrow on my birthday). As I got older it still made more sense for my birthday to be the new year. For one thing in college, school still tended to start around my birthday, and anyway it just makes sense to define things in terms of your own life, which is marked by a birthday.
     
    So anyway, my birthday symbolizes me getting older ( ) and the passing of time in general ( ). Unfortunately these two things also pretty much come to symbolize absolutely every personal failure - real or perceived - that I can imagine. "It's a whole year later and I'm a whole year older and I still haven't done X, Y, and Z, and I'm still dealing with A, B, and C". I mean I think everyone - well maybe not everyone, maybe it is just me - has those moments where they just stop and think about all the things they haven't accomplished in their lives that they thought they would have by now, where they sort of realize "well, my dream to do ___ is looking pretty unrealistic now".
     
    So let's sum up: my birthday symbolizes aging (something I feel so strongly negative about I won't even begin to go into right now), the passing of time in general, and all my failures and dashed dreams. It also symbolizes loneliness. I'm still not seeing anyone romantically and the majority of my close friends live in other states, and my closest Houston friend actually discussed suicide with me last night as a means of remedying getting older (he wasn't advising it, just coldly and rationally enumerating my options, but still...)
     
    Anyone remember that episode of Queer As Folk when Brian was suicidal on his birthday and Michael finally shouted at him "You'll always be young and you'll always be beautiful!" It was a really awesome moment IMO. That's exactly what I'd like to hear. Well exactly what I'd like to believe. Only I wouldn't believe it. I mean it's obviously a lie. Everyone gets older, and most 90 year olds just aren't as hot as they were when they were 20. So I don't think anyone could ever really "always be young and always be beautiful". Don't get me wrong, I realize that what is probably implied here is that there's some sort of inner youth and beauty that will never go away, and I hope that's the case for me...but I'd still feel better if it were true in the superficial, literal way.
     
    You know what else irritates me? The "So you seeing anyone?" question from people that haven't talked with you recently. I hate that question, I don't hate it as much as "How old are you?", but it's right up there with questions I'd happily never like to be asked again. I've always hated both questions. Literally for as long as I can remember I never taken kindly to people just bluntly asking me those questions. I think it's because I've never wanted to be viewed in terms of an age, and if I have to be viewed in terms of an age, that age would be 22 and I only got to be that age once in my life, so every other time in my life when someone's asked me how old I am I haven't particularly wanted to tell them. Similarly I don't need someone to "complete me" and I certainly don't need someone to complete me socially so I'm sick of that particular matter being one of the first ones people like to "politely" discuss.
     
    I have no trouble telling people things about myself if I want to, so if I wanted someone to know how old I was I would steer the conversation in that direction. Same with having a significant other. I don't so much mind people asking those questions if it is semi-appropriate. Like tomorrow if people wish me Happy Birthday I accept that "How old are you?" will be a logical question (yet another reason to hate birthdays), but it really grates on me if we're discussing something completely differently and the next thing I know I'm fielding inquires about my age or dating status.
     
    An old friend called me a couple of nights ago. We were friends in grade school, then we went to different high schools, lived in different towns, and went in completely different directions with our lives. Anyway we have very little in common. In fact we're fundamentally different kinds of people, and I think the chances of us striking up a friendship if we met as stranger now would be pretty much nil. Anyway, he's getting married now, I'm happy for him...although a bit concerned that he might ask me to be the best man. That would just be...ridiculous. I've never even met his bride-to-be, in fact I can't even recall her name. I haven't seen him in person in 3 or 4 years, and then it was only once, and we haven't stayed in touch at all. Does playing video games together ten years ago really count as a reason to ask someone to be your best man? Anyway if he asks...I'll accept graciously and attempt to throw him a fun bachelor party and be on hand for any support and advice that might be needed. *shrug*
     
    Anyway, reason I brought it up was that of course during the course of the conversation he asked "So you seeing some little lady?" (no, I never bothered coming out to him, and why on earth should I have come out to him? Our friendship had basically ended long before I ever worked out my sexuality). Isn't that rude anyway? I mean calling to tell someone you're engaged and then prying into their romantic lives. It's a bit like calling to tell someone you've won the lottery and then asking "So you rich yet?". Fortunately he already knows how old I am so I know I'll dodge that question.
     
    My dad called yesterday too. As far as conversations with my dad go it was a rip-roaring success. Actually I'm a terrible son where he's concerned. I'm a good son where my mother's concerned, but I'm a little S.O.B. where my dad's concerned. I know this. I feel guilty about this. I can't seem to help it. I don't really know why. I mean I certainly don't care that my parent's split up, I was too young to remember it and I had a very happy childhood, and by losing a close relationship with my father I gained TWO equally if not closer relationships with my grandparents. I don't think he's ever missed a birthday or Christmas. He hasn't really pried excessively, always made it known that he was available should I want to talk or even come and visit, and he's "reached out" in countless small ways. But, I've just never really been interested in having a relationship with him. I've just sort of taken all his efforts for granted and never given anything back.
     
    Anyway during the course of the conversation he of course asked "So are you seeing anyone special?". He always asks this. Actually, as much as I still hate the question I recognize that he probably has a better reason than most to ask it. He always asks it right along with his questions of what I've been doing for fun, and if I've made enough friends in whatever new environment I tend to find myself in during our tri-annual talks (my birthday, his birthday, and Christmas, sometimes a random 3rd or 4th holiday). Anyway as someone with a degree in psychology I'm quite certain that he's primarily trying to make sure that I'm happy and not isolated. I am happy and not isolated, pity I've never told him that in so many words.
     
    I've never come out to him either (again just someone from my past who isn't a very large part of my life anymore), but I think he must suspect judging by his choice of words, and and while I've never overtly come out to him I've certainly never tried to lead his thinking in the other direction. Anyway, I suppose he'd probably be okay with it. Just a hunch. In any case I don't think I care much either way...and he probably knows that as well.
     
    Anyway, it is my birthday now, and I've probably rambled long enough. Feel free to wish me happy birthday; I won't bite your head off. Please don't tell me I'm still young, or that I've got nothing to complain about etc. It doesn't matter how young I am, I'm still getting older and I hate it, and I fully expect to only hate it more with each passing year. Actually I suspect I'll hate it less after about age 65 or so...you know, when I've given up completely on being young and beautiful (in the literal sense). I also realize I'm being a spoiled, self-centered, superficial, snotty brat. Oh well: my blog, my birthday, my business
     
    Also, don't worry about me. I recognize that getting older is an unavoidable disappointment, but whenever anything bad happens my attitude is to go into damage control mode and then basically just to move on. And I will. I'll resolve to fight for my youth, health, and looks for as long as possible and I'll just go on.
     
    Take care everyone, and may you all be young and beautiful forever,
    Kevin
  24. AFriendlyFace
    You know that song, "Jane Says", by Jane's Addiction? It goes like this:
     

    "Jane Says"


     

    Jane says

    I'm done with Sergio

    He treats me like a ragdoll

    She hides

    The television

    Says I don't owe him nothing,

    But if he comes back again

    Tell him to wait right here for me

    Or just

    Try again tomorrow

    I'm gonna kick tomorrow

    Gonna kick tomorrow

     

    Jane says

    Have you seen my wig around?

    I feel naked without it

    She knows

    They all want her to go

    But that's O.K. man

    She dont like them anyway

    Jane says

    She's goin away to spain

    When she gets my money saved

    I'm gonna start tomorrow

    I'm gonna kick tomorrow

    Gonna kick tomorrow

     

    She gets mad

    Starts to cry

    She takes a swing but

    She cant hit

    She don't mean no harm

    She just don't know

    What else to do about it

     

    Jane goes

    To the store at 8:00

    She walk up on St. Andrews

    She waits

    And gets her dinner there

    She pulls her dinner

    From her pocket

    Jane says

    I ain't never been in love

    I don't know what it is

    She only knows if someone wants her

    I want them if they want me

    I only know they want me

     

    She gets mad

    And she starts to cry

    She takes a swing man

    She cant hit!

    She don't mean no harm

    She just dont know

    What else to do about it

     

    Jane says

    Jane says

     
    I sorta feel like Jane. I mean I ain't never been in love. Don't know what it is. I only know if someone wants me.
     
    It's not as sad as it sounds. I'm really quite fine with it. I mean I believe in love. I think it's wonderful for the people it happens to. And I even say it could happen to me. I mean I guess it could. I don't really believe it though. Not really.
     
    I mean, I'm too realistic and practical to actually fall in love. To honestly think that the person's perfect, or even perfect for me. I know what I want. I have a clear image of it in my head. It's a tall order, and people like that don't really exist. It's only reasonable to compromise a bit. Only I can't/won't. I'm too much of a dreamer, a romantic. I keep thinking someday...
     
    I mean how do you just say to yourself, "Well, this guy isn't perfect for me. He's too __. Or he isn't ___. And he'd never ___. But he's an all around good guy, and I should settle for him."? How does one say that? That they're just giving up on X, Y, and Z in their partner and settling for A, B, and C instead?
     
    I know no one's perfect, I know a long-term relationship won't always be blissfully happy and easy. I know it'll take work. I know we'll disappoint each other. I just want to think - to be deceived into believing - that *THIS* is perfect, that this is IT. Just for the beginning of the relationship anyway. Is that so much to ask? To actually fall in love? To do the head-over-heels, you're-the-most-wonderful-person-in-the-world, thing?
     
    But I won't fall in love. Perhaps I'm not the type. I could fake it. Perhaps I will if I get desperate enough. Only I won't get desperate. I'm too self-contained and independent. I could never define myself in terms of someone else anyway. I think the only way I would share my independence with someone is if I were "fooled" into believing in the fairytale. It's a pity though, I think I could make a relationship work assuming I had a half-decent, half-committed partner. I could provide the other half. It would just be fooling me in the first place that would be the difficult part.
     
    It's quite sad because I am so romantic. I'd have so much fun being in love. But I really can't ever imagine being there. I can imagine loving someone as my partner. Making a commitment and a life together. Only I really can't imagine that moment. That beginning.
     
    I know it's overrated. I really do. I know the majority of people in a happy, long-term relationship would probably say that it's the life together, the commitment, etc. that's the important part. That it doesn't matter how hard you fall you can quite easily get burned. I know that. Maybe I'd like to get burned though. Maybe I'd like to invest everything I had into this silly, impractical, short-lived affair, just to see what all the fuss is about. I'd get over it. I always do. LOL, and I'm certainly not impractical enough to every think that because "you don't love me my life is over". Hmm, perhaps in order to go through the 1st part you'd have to be the type of person who could think the 2nd part?
     
    The way I see my future is either contentedly single forever, or else pragmatically settling for someone. I could deal with either...only I'd rather fall in love.
     
    Have you ever been in love? Yes, YOU, the person reading this blog. I'm not asking if you're in love now, or if you think you could fall in love. All I asking is if you've ever really been in love. Have you?
     
    I don't know, maybe I'm just strange. Or maybe I'm being negative. Or maybe it just doesn't matter that much. But all I know is:
     
    I ain't never been in love.
    I don't know what it is.
  25. AFriendlyFace
    WOW
     
    That about sums up my thoughts about the conversation I had this afternoon with a friend of mine.
     
    So basically I stayed very close with two of my friends from high school. One of course is my girl Claire, the other we'll call Sandra (not her real name but I feel as though I ought to carefully protect her anonymity). Anyway, Sandra and I went to the same university and kept in touch throughout college (and since we've graduated). Now obviously I was already out to Claire (she was the first person I ever came out to, and she's also a lesbian herself, and quite possibly the reason I've always liked and trusted lesbians so much in the first place).
     
    Sandra on the other hand I'd never come out to. Now basically coming out to Sandra felt like the main thing I needed to do with terms of bringing my past in line with my future. See I pretty much figured that apart from a few family members (in fact the cousin I've been mentioning in recent blogs is pretty much the other main person I need to come out to), the other people from my past, however dear to me, probably weren't going to be playing a big role in my future.
     
    I've sorta been feeling like a jerk and a liar for not coming out to Sandra though. I always pretty much figured it would be okay, the only thing that was really stopping me was that 1) it felt like it should have already come up long ago, and 2) it's still awkward to just randomly throw into a conversation when randomly mentioning it isn't appropriate (as it might be with someone you don't know as well).
     
    Now if you think this blog is about me coming out to Sandra you're completely wrong.
     
    See the last couple of times I've talked to Sandra on the phone she kept saying "I really need to talk to you about something, but it's something we'll need a lot of time to talk about". So she kept not telling me because one of us wouldn't have the time necessary to go into it. Also, recently when I was talking to her I intuitively knew that she wanted to tell me/bring up whatever it was but couldn't because her roommate was in the room.
     
    Now being your standard, run-of-the-mill, self-absorbed human being I naturally, and foolishly assumed that whatever she wanted to discuss was about me. I also was thinking "I bet she's heard rumours about me being gay and wants to confront me". Not the case.
     
    See Sandra was in this long-distance relationship. She'd met this guy on the internet when we were kids and through all the years they'd stayed in touch. Well semi-recently - about 2, maybe 3, years ago - she called off her engagement to this guy she'd been seeing since we were in high school, and when she did, John (also a made up name) was there to comfort and support her via the internet and phone. Well as you can probably imagine things developed further between Sandra and John and she eventually decided to go and visit him (he lived several states away) on vacation. Well they had a great time, hit things off really well, and started up this long-distance relationship. Whenever one of them had some time off they'd go and visit the other, etc.
     
    Well last winter John started acting distant and saying that he wanted to end things with Sandra. But since then they'd patched everything up and were doing fine. I'd never found out what was wrong though...till today.
     
    It turns out that that John had a secret, a big secret! John wasn't Sandra's boyfriend...John was Sandra's girlfriend. John was actually Jane (another made up name). When Sandra confronted John, John finally fessed up (over a text message no less ).
     
    So yeah, WOW! I have no idea how Sandra could have handled such a thing! It turns out they even had been..."intimate" on several occasions. Apparently Jane had a very realistic, attachable dildo, and against all odds had successfully duped Sandra (honestly I don't even want to try to figure out the logistics). Jane also claimed to have a "back problem" which necessitated the wearing of a back (and front) brace, which effectively kept her boobs hidden.
     
    Anyway that was seven months ago and they're still together and doing fine. In fact Jane is finally going to move down to Louisiana to be with Sandra.
     
    So I asked Sandra what was going on with their relationship, and how she was able to basically get past not only the whole "whoa! I'm in a gay relationship and I didn't even know it" thing, but also the MAJOR deception. And she said "well, she's still the same person I'm in love with on the inside"
     
    In all the years I've been friends with Sandra (we met in elementary school) I don't think she's ever made me so proud as when she said that.
     
    Anyway, in all honesty I'm not sure just how much I approve of the whole thing...I mean obviously I don't have any issues with lesbianism lol! But WOW what a massive deception! On the other hand I can tell based on what Sandra says that Jane did all this because she was 1) in love and 2) scared of what would happen if she told the truth.
     
    Anyway, naturally I took the opportunity to throw in "hey, while we're making revelations, I'm gay". And naturally it wasn't a big deal, nor was it something we even discussed very much given the other topic.
     
    I feel really badly for Sandra. She and Jane have no where to turn for support or acceptance. Jane's family, who Sandra has met, have no idea. Sandra's family already strongly disapproved of John because of the whole "they met on the internet thing". To make matters even worse and more complicated, apparently when Sandra's mom met John she did suspect that John was Jane, and she even confronted Sandra about it. She even said something to the effect of "it's okay that's it's a girl, but not this girl, and either way I want to know". Unfortunately this was at the time that Sandra really didn't know that John was Jane and she got really defensive and emphatic etc. It's also bad because either way they never liked John/Jane, and as Sandra pointed out when they find out the whole truth they're really going to dislike her because she lied to Sandra.
     
    The only person besides me who knows about Jane and Sandra is Sandra's cousin, who found out because she was uniquely tied to Jane and Sandra, because she too had met Jane online at the same time. Unfortunately Sandra's cousin is VERY unsupportive and also doesn't accept Jane and Sandra's relationship.
     
    Sandra's two best friends have major religious issues with homosexual relationships, and apart from myself the only person Sandra could think of that would probably be okay with it is one of the before-mentioned friends' boyfriend. Unfortunately while he probably wouldn't care (and I know the guy, he does seem like a really laid-back, cool dude), he probably wouldn't be able to keep it from his girlfriend (who in turn would probably end up not only unsupportive but blabbing the whole thing to Sandra's family/other friends).
     
    So yeah, I'm feeling majorly sorry for Sandra and Jane right now, I'm also still just really...shocked. I mean I had met Jane too, and heck I should have a really good eye for noticing people in drag, but nope, I was completely fooled.
     
    Anyway, I just can't get over how awesome it is that Sandra's just completely thumbing her nose at society, her upbringing, and even her previous perceptions about herself to be with the person she loves.
     
    For the most part I guess I do approve of their relationship since they've overcome so many obstacles and as Sandra so eloquently put it "I just don't see why anyone else's opinion should matter anyway. If I'm okay with what happened and what's going on, and I'm happy I don't think it should matter to the people who are supposed to care about me". (yeah of course I'm paraphrasing since that's a pretty long quote and I wasn't exactly taking notes, but that's the gist of it).
     
    I've also always loved the idea of someone falling in love with someone against all odds, and not of the gender they tend to fall for, simply because they love the person. In many ways I think that's the purest kind of romantic love. I once read in this book about gay relationships about this gay male couple that was in love. Neither had ever realized he was gay until he met the other, and neither has ever had feelings for or attractions toward another male. They're only gay in reference to each other. I think that's really awesome and amazing, and if that holds true for one of my friends I'm really happy for her.
     
    I'm also happy because she said that despite all the drama and stuff going on (and lets face it, this could almost be the plot line for a soap opera), she's "never been happier".
     
    Well that and I'm really happy that I finally came out to her, and even more honoured and flattered that she trusted me with this revelation.
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