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I'll just sit this round out okay?


AFriendlyFace

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So life goes on, the world turns, and predictably young gay males find themselves surrounded by drama. I think it's just the way of things. Only I just really want to sit this round out. I mean I always try to avoid drama anyway, but quite often I get sucked into my friends' problems and thrown into the middle of things. This time I'm just NOT going to do it.

 

Things with William and Scott are continuing to get worse. I can't even mention William's name without Scott making a sarcastic, bitter remark about him leaving. Luke is siding with Scott and actually told me straight out last night that he'd 'black listed' William :blink: I mean what the hell? Cut the guy some slack! It doesn't matter if you agree with his decision try to muster a least a little support. The way I see it he's leaving soon and we should make the best of our time left not spend it sniping.

 

Anyway, due to that position I'm the only one willing to help him load up his things and move, and I almost feel like Scott and Luke are pissed at me for doing that much. I also feel uncomfortably like Scott is making all this about him. He's pretty much just focusing on how this sucks for him and what he's going to do. He only seems sad about losing William in his life as sort of an after-thought. And while I'm also sitting here thinking he may be making a mistake, hoping I'm wrong, and wondering what he's going to do if it does all blow up in his face, Scott is practically taking bets about when it happens, and while I'm sure he will be appropriately sympathetic if/when the time comes I swear I suspect he's going to get this "I told you so" self-righteous feeling.

 

Scott and I's own individual relationship is great though...but actually I'm starting to get paranoid that he has feelings for me again. He and his boyfriend broke up about a month ago, then for awhile he was 'talking' to this other guy and that didn't work out. He's just majorly bummed about the whole relationship/dating scene, and we've been having a lot of fun hanging out and he keeps telling me how much my friendship means to him - and his friendship means a lot to me and I always tell him that - and I just get the feeling he's entertaining ideas of us being a couple again. He once again brought the topic up. My reaction was honest albeit a bit weasely "I've just been really enjoying our friendship. Boyfriends come and go, but friends are more enduring and important." That's really how I feel about it right now too. I mean sure one day I might like to do the whole 'in love, life-partner' thing, but right now...I dunno, right now it just doesn't seem that tangible and it isn't something I'm especially yearning for either.

 

The most random thing was when we were in the car a few nights ago and he was talking about how a good friend of his was being ordained in the Episcopal church. He was like, "he can marry us" :blink: I just sort of had a non-reaction to it and eventually he went on "I mean to whomever we end up with". But still... *note I have no idea if gay people can actually marry in the Episcopal church in the first place*

 

Meanwhile Luke has been on this crazy, desperate tilt lately to find someone...and he seems determined to make that person someone from our circle of friends. If you remember me discussing 'former friend' from previous blog entries you'll know that the whole thing just sucked big time for all of our friends, and as crappy as it is it pretty much resulted in this big line being drawn down the middle and everyone splitting into two camps. This was further intensified when about a month ago (I remember because it was also the time he broke up with his boyfriend poor guy :( ) Scott had an almost identical incident to the one I had with 'former friend's' best friend. Basically the guy randomly sent him this text one day that was like "I don't think we should be friends anymore." I even feel slightly guilty because the whole thing is so weird where else would he have gotten the whole 'breaking up with your friends' idea but from what 'former friend' did? Anyway after that things got even more firmly divided.

 

Luke's been sort of going back and forth or whatever and still hanging out with both groups. Well over the past couple of weeks Luke and 'former friend' developed an "almost" relationship which Luke carefully hid from Scott and I because he thought I would freak out or something, and he figured if Scott found out he would tell me...and he was right about the 2nd part, as soon as he finally did tell Scott, Scott was unable to avoid telling me (even though I really wasn't trying to make him when he hinted that he had something he wanted to tell me but couldn't). Anyway, the truth is I really didn't care, in fact I was very happy for both of them and actually thought objectively that it could be a really good relationship, and when he finally did tell me I was supportive and told him I thought it could be really good. Meanwhile Scott was actually having more trouble adjusting to the idea, but it all proved irrelevant a few days later when they broke it off :wacko: Which really did surprise me because I really did think it had a good shot at working out. Anyway, now Luke is being all bitter toward FF too, BUT he's now immediately trying to pursue another of their mutual friends and someone I slightly know and like (he's a nice a guy :) ), but if you ask me it's just sort of a desperation, plus because they were doing the whole keeping their relationship on the DL thing the other guy doesn't know that Luke and FF almost had a relationship (I know it's confusing, honestly I don't know what they were to each other). And as little as I know the guy I think it's a really bad idea for Luke to keep this from him because I think he will be upset when he finds out, and I think he will find out because I think eventually FF will tell him. I don't think he'd care that much if Luke were just upfront with him.

 

Anyway, meanwhile Luke also seems to be trying to keep his options open. Scott told me he's convinced that Luke has feelings for him again. They're going to be moving in together after William leaves, and I guess Luke has been acting a little differently toward Scott, so I believe him. Also I actually suspect he (Luke) is starting to have feelings for me again as well. Last night the three of us hung out and Luke said something that ticked me off. He made this...not really racist but racially stereotypical remark, and that kinda trash really irritates me, and I was already sort of on a short fuse from other things that happened earlier in the day that didn't have anything to do with him, and so while under normal circumstances I'd have probably just told him I didn't agree with him and left it at that, instead I like went off on him and gave this big anti-prejudice speech. Anyway from then on things were just tense between the two of us and we kept having minor arguments all evening. Well at the end of the night we decided to watch this movie, and he suddenly got all cuddly and apologetic. And I actually was in a cuddly mood anyway, plus it was nice to be 'making up' or whatever, so I went with it, but I just got the impression from some of the things he said and did that it might be meaning more - or at least different - things too him. Basically I just feel like he's reached this point where he's essentially screaming "I can't be alone anymore!" and he's looking for anyone who can fix that.

 

Anyway, after all that I was on my way home when I realized I had a missed call and a voicemail...it was an ex and the voicemail consisted of "I love you, call me back." :blink:

 

So it was like 1:30 or something when I got that, so I didn't call him back I just sent him a text asking him if he was okay. Then when I got up today I called him and he didn't answer. I guess I'll call him again, because I do care about the guy, just not in that way anymore, but I don't really know how I'm supposed to handle this.

 

Anyway, despite all this I almost feel like I'm not involved in all these things. Like I am just sort of watching it all unfold. Which is just as well because I really do feel like sitting this round out.

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