thephoenix

Hi Ashi, thanks for sharing your story. I'm sure you're a very smart guy I realize what a stir I am creating on here and I am extremely grateful for all of your support during this time. Thank you all. Hi Rustle, thank you for your support and sharing your story. I guess I can only hope I don't encounter any homophobic counselors whenever I do find one. That would probably sent me sprinting back into the closet. I had a physical that was done last year for my flight training and no abnormalities were found other than a little bit of hearing loss in my left ear. Hi Ron: I'm sorry - I don't really mean to say that I want to announce my sexual preference -- more like I don't want to have this self-doubt, self-examination and reexamination over and over. I guess when this is all over, I want to be able to live my true self. If I really don't have any or very few "gay stereotypes", so be it. As for the person of authority, let's just say he is a rather high ranking and imposing guy. Hi wildone thanks for sharing your experience with me. I still have Canadian citizenship as well as my American citizenship. I am using my American citizenship to obtain the domestic in-resident tuition rates so I don't think I can claim Canadian healthcare at the same time. This dual citizenship thing has been quite confusing but it certainly has its benefits. To the GA community, for putting up with me for so long and your support.

hmm...I hadn't though of that when I drew it..I suppose it looks like it's going to unmask me. I initially wanted to draw the phoenix and myself as one entity, but I didn't know how to draw something like that.

Thank you for your words of support. I don't really have a main GP that I go to although my university campus has a health center. I hope I don't have to take medication ....i guess for fear of becoming dependent on it... Thank you. I might be able to find a counselor somewhere...maybe the health center has some... Thank you - I would feel a little odd approaching my professors on this issue - maybe it's because I see them so often and their primary job is teaching. I'm aware of a LGBT organization on campus but I've always felt awkward approaching their office/booth where someone I know might see me approach them and then they might think that-.. and ...AAAH there goes my restless mind again... Oh man...you know how hindsight is 20/20? Well my mind doesn't shut up about it about what could've been, might've been. Maybe if the cops weren't called blah blah blah...oh dear. I'd like to say I would just walk away, but I guess it was my fault for bottling everything up like I did with all the stress from other things combined. But how do I not bottle things up - the whole coming out scenario just seems so freakin scary/stressful right now. Thank you. I hate to be part of the statistic of people who are currently uninsured - I just can't afford the $3000+ insurance on top of everything else. Maybe this Affordable Care thing might actually do me some good. I wonder if professional counseling is covered though. Thank you. I wish I had the courage to take this head on. Right now I feel like i'm trying to climb Mount Everest when I haven't even summitted a hill.

Sometimes I get some comfort from drawing things not of this world... This is my first ever attempt at drawing a phoenix. I guess I'm supposed to be the hooded figure with the phoenix perched on my shoulder..

If I could go back in time, living in my younger self and possessing the knowledge I have now, I'd: - not move to HK at age 9 with my family and instead go to a boarding school - buy a lottery ticket (and win) and solve all my family's financial issues - stop 9/11 from happening (i dunno - maybe figuring out some way to stop those planes from taking off)

Sorry i'm not starting this blog on a very high note..at all...I hope you guys don't think to harshly of me but here's my topic on my latest ramblings... http://www.gayauthors.org/forums/topic/37751-i-think-i-need-help/

I feel like I need to get this off my chest. Nobody is making me write this except for my own conscience - perhaps maybe I can get some insight on where to go from here. I have said some stupid and hurtful things in the past, in the real world and on this forum - especially on the soapbox (not really sure what happened to that). I want to take this opportunity to apologize for all the stupid or hurtful things I have said and that I want to take full responsibility for that. I wish I could also apologize for any future offensive things I may say before one of my aggressive mood swings take me away again, but I can't really do that. Maybe I can give a little insight on where I'm coming from. I'm a little over 28 years old. I have been in the closet for as long as I can remember. I don't know if I am not exhibiting any "gay stereotypes" or if they are so deeply repressed from over a decade of suppressing any behavior or feelings that I don't know who I am any more. I have been told that I've been late to mature. Maybe that's true. One of my acquaintances/friends (I don't know where to draw the line) says that I remind him of him younger brother. In late August of 2011, I pulled a "phoenix act" which inspired my user name on here. In this "phoenix act" I had figuratively burned what I thought was my "old life" in Canada into ashes to begin anew in the United States. I may have escaped bad influences from bad ex-friends but technically I'm the same person. There was a confrontation that turned ugly with someone I'll call John (not his real name). He had, in the past, both implicitly and explicitly made fun of gay people. Being in the closet, I felt like I couldn't confront him directly on the issue or else I might be outed. This went on for a while, with me bottling up my feelings that a totally petty situation turned out to be the "straw that broke the camel's back". I had lashed out, at him verbally, which turned a verbal confrontation into a physical confrontation that ended up with the cops being called. Though nobody was arrested due to lack of evidence, I was kicked from a certain program within a certain organization within my university. The person in charge of this organization interviewed me, "John", and several witnesses, yet still I felt like I could not bring up the "gay factor." I'm still at school here, but I feel like my grades are starting to slip from a GPA that is currently 3.97. I have had intermittent mood swings that have brought me from despair and depression to hope and right back again. I don't really know what to do or where to go. It's gotten to the point when hearing the word "gay" or "homosexual" has made me cringe in hoping that they weren't referring to me. I don't know how I should handle something that has been repressed for over a decade. I guess I'm fearful of how I will react when people start finding out, and how their reactions will affect me. I feel totally vulnerable putting myself out here like this...please be nice

So I decided to create a blog. Not really sure what topic I'll be leaning towards so I'll just go with the flow haha..

hmm...very interesting. I wish Curiosity success...maybe in 50 years, we can have an outpost on Mars!

Lower Michigan has cooled down significantly, but about a week ago, it was totally scorching. I live in the dorms (no A/C) and had to take multiple showers a day to regulate my body temperature!

It inspires me to watch the Olympic Games, because these athletes have trained their whole lives to get a chance to earn the Olympic Gold Medal. They have dedicated their lives to be the best of the best. Even after the London Games are over, their next round of training begins for the 2016 Games. GO TEAM USA! USA! USA! USA!

Oops. Late again. Happy birthday!

A long time ago, I used to go on Habbo. That was a reallly long time ago - even before I moved back to Canada in 2002. (I'm no longer in Canada, but that's another topic.) I logged on just to kill time and chat. There were some mini-games within the "hotel", but it was largely a giant interactive chat room. With multiple rooms. Maybe a tiny slice of the sims mixed in to it, because some objects could be interacted with. Online social interaction has its advantages, not only for its convenience, but also because it's just more comfortable to stay in the cover of relative anonymity. I'm sure some of us can relate to that, for those of us who are not 'out'. Unfortunately, the internet has people who portray themselves as someone else for the purpose of taking advantage of the internet's younger and less experienced users. I think it's important for parents to educate their kids about what not to do on the internet and what kind of things to look out for and avoid. Later in life, I guess you just have to hope that they listened well and that sufficient advice is given so that they don't have to learn the hard way. (Edit: 250th (game-forum posts not included) post!)

I kinda regret selling my PS3...i want to play that uncharted game

I really hope the economy picks up by the time I graduate...(in 2015)... Job prospects aren't looking too good right now.

Usually on and off when reading. .Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't. If you're writing, I can imagine how music can help give you inspiration and break down the writer's block.

happy birthday!

Goosebumps....... Can't wait!

Hmm. looks like I may have enough time for it, but I want to get my hands on a collector's edition so I can get the wings and bottled cloud.

I like strategy/action-adventure. Sometimes this includes RP too and storylines and I think that really adds to it. When there is the "sandbox" mixed into it as well, then it's definitely got me interested.

I like xbox because it has a better variety of exclusive games. Xbox vs. PC - xbox is a dedicated gaming system and I very rarely have to deal with crashes or slow graphics on my xbox. Xbox vs. PS3 - you may have to pay for xbox, but again, it has a better variety of games. For the PS3, the blu-ray player is nice though. I'd give the PS3 a strong second place.

I hate it when they interfere with the playing style of other people. If they don't like it, they shouldn't buy it. Simple as that. Whatever happened to freedom of choice? I also agree about the violence vs. sex part. Violence is very commonly seen in movies everywhere yet a single ..uh...private region show on the big screen suddenly makes it R rated or NC-17.

Gold: Mass Effect Silver: Halo Bronze: Diablo Special Mention: Fable

No. No. No. If I had known beforehand, no. If he tells me later, that he has been hiding that from me, there is a serious breach of integrity on his part. Integrity and trust are some the fundamental foundations of a strong relationship.

I'm virgo and I don't like it so much.