Mark92

Thanks for the hug Joe back atcha How is everyone else doing? I have actually had more than 3 hours sleep! twice too, last night and the night before. Hope it stays that way Having Baz helping is a real big deal, it halves my workload and its more fun too.

Happy Birthday Joey Have a great day

Thats cool Joe enjoy!!! Lukey's two girls are adorable, they call me the BFG and like to ride on my shoulders. They stick out there tongue at dad because he cant lift them as high as Uncle Marky lol

Thank you Joe I started that at the age of 13 some mixed up head huh? LOL Mood Gym is fun and a little distracting. Not enough to keep me distracted enough. Talking and writing are still the big winners. I've been almost hyper happy today And before I went to bed at gone 2am I had a good cry with a friend on here so still swings and roundabouts. But the downs are not as long lasting or as painful.

Love it Joe You really are an excellent poet. We want more Great work!

Very cool sat here grinning now. Stuby actually hates him with a passion. Which means i'm doing him right I guess.You are supposed to not like him so all good . Thanks Nephy

He does it because its his destiny to be a breeding Master. So much cheaper to grow your own kinda thing LOLThank you so much Nephy

I enjoy doing the time lines, the inventions and cultures of the time. Slavery was rife so its much easier to write about. The so called "English" have a lot to answer for. Glad your still with me. Thanks again Nephy

Hahahaha Thanks Michael. It isnt an easy story to adapt. It started off a straight story and only turned gay. When I realised I was Thanks for reading and the review

Thank You Joe, hope you stay interested.

Thank you Nephy It took five years to write and research and its ongoing now in modern times. I am trying to condense it down a bit. I hope it works. Thanks again

You are both brilliant people Its took me six months to get to the gate and hold onto it. Now I am getting used to it, instead of concentrating on going through it. I can open and close it now. The pressure is off that I am trying to go through it, so its much easier. I have had a few flash backs, and there is a lot my sub-concious has locked away to protect me. Some of that is coming back the happier and more contented I become. I actually saw myself as an 8 year old kid. Face so swollen and bruised I couldnt see or talk. Being screamed at to stay away from the gate. I was a secret not to be seen. Not that I could have been seen. I'm 2 miles from my nearest neighbour or a road. If anyone visited the house I was locked up in a cupboard. Only her cronies saw me or the odd time the doc. The only other person in my life was Kate a friend of my mums, who is still my friend now. Forgetting the past is just too big. Maybe one day. Good idea Lily There is an aussie course thats online. Its not based on you personally there are no real people to talk to. but its interactive and is more self assessment on anxiety and depression. Its called Mood Gym. I've started it and I've finished the first module. I will repeat it a few times before I go onto the next. Stay happy people

Well swings and roundabouts and ups and downs there Joe I over analyze things too. I always have. Another thing I do is make up scenarios of whats happening. Even simple things like what is Baz doing when he leaves here. He tells me where he's going and what he will be doing, and I try and picture it all. I guess its due to isolation, and keeping my mind active about what is happening out there. Sometimes I think I will walk down to the road and the traffic will be floating by, like hovercraft. Or maybe going into a shop is just flashing a piece of plastic and choosing what you want. Its been over a year since I've seen it. Things you all take for granted are alien to me. Like a lift or an escalator? A train or a bus? I dont know what they are like, apart from seeing them on TV. I never experienced them before the gate cut me off.

I've thought about it many times, even got close to it a few times too. And I have been talked out of it as well, by some of the members here. I hope I never get there again. I can't say I wont, but I hope not. How about everyone here says how they are today? I dont just mean, I'm good, or fine. Tell us how you really feel. What is going off in your head at the very minute you are about to type. Me? I'm missing Stuby, and he hasnt even left for uni yet. Its 10:00am and my big chores are done. I'm just waiting for my bread to finish in the oven. I didnt go to school so my maths is poor. But I run a business so there is accounting to do. I do this by putting all the reciepts and money into a large envelope and sending it to my man at the bank. I pay him to do it for me. That all seems to be easy but it isnt. I sell sundries too like eggs and hay. I dont have reciepts for those. So its mind numbing trying to remember. Even writing it down doesnt help. I'm usually in a rush so I dont put all the details down. I usually end up so stressed by it. I give up or put it off to the next day. My man at the bank is very understanding. But I pay him to be just that. Hugs to all

I totally agree Lily. We should be able to tell people openly why we are, like we are. If you trust that person and are more at ease around them Then off load a little. If they are true friends then they will stick around. And if not well its their loss. This thread isnt really about giving professional opinions. But our own experiences, what works for us, might work for someone else. The same factor as what doesnt work for us, might work for someone else. This thread has also been so absorbing for me, seeing how others cope with theirs. And how different we all are. Bee, you have an illness that doesnt help when things like this happen. I am trying to keep this thread going for that very reason. Come here vent and ask for help if you need it.

Happy Birthday Bleu Have an Awesome day

Thanks guys I'm so happy this is helping you all It's interesting how society portrays gay's Roan. I hav'nt experienced any of the bad press of gay's and homophobes. Because of my circumstances. I've often told my BF on here that I would openly kiss him and hold him in public. He then explained that it just isnt done. Society isnt OK with gay's yet. I wonder why not? To me if you love someone you love someone, why does it matter what sex they are? I know religeon has a big part in it all. I had that forced on me my whole life. And I suffered for it too, so forgive me for not believing. Wearing a mask to hide our depression is commonplace. Like Agaith means false face. I dont see Agaith anymore I see Stuby or Stu. I love Simons cat He is Noah my adult Norwegian Forest Cat. He made champion recently. Xyla's (the pesky kitten) pedigree is bigger than his. Pigs are very intelligent . I have one called Anya who thinks she is a dog and follows Max (black lab) everywhere. Pigs are also extremely friendly. It's good to read all the venting you guys are doing

Hahahaha Joe you're a funny guy too. The reason I trust Baz and Lukey is because they came from an organization called Young Farmers Association and they are vetted first. They help out young farmers who find themselves in need. I went down with a serious infection. So I did have a need. And my health has suffered because of that infection so I need them even more now. I will go read and review now Well done and welcome again

I have been trying to get a panel together thats more perminant than this thread. Thats why I am so eager to keep it going. Its somewhere to vent or just to say "hey this happened to me" All I need to write is the first sentence and then it just flows. My latest piece is a 3 chapter love story and I wrote 5,000 words in less than an hour. I keep saying that so many have contributed to keeping this going, and so many more I want to just vent. It does help. I have 4 breeding sows and 26 piglets, so life is tough at the moment, and the weather is against me. Add that too 24 chickens (more coming) A dog and three cats. Two of them show cats. I'm kept busy. My chores are from 4:45am to about 11:00am and then my time is my own. I love it all including the washing,ironing, baking, cleaning, log chopping. Its the lonliness that got to me. A little easier now with Baz being here. But I'm still incredibly lonely. The isolation is the biggest thing. I dont have traffic or people noise, so when it is quiet it is deafening silence. Here I can be the me I want to be. Thanks Joe

Hey mister your good Yeah you do need to post this and more I dont see myself as brave or a survivor or any of that. My childhood was what I thought was normality. I was no different to any one else. Because I had no other option of knowing. There are lots here similar to me. The circumstances may be different but its still abuse of some kind. Be it verbal, physical or mental. Some say I should be sorry for my mum. That she must have had a mental illness. Well it didnt carry inot her farming knowledge or the shit she used to feed the doctor about my scars and swellings, bruises, welts. I still carry those scars. Mentally and physically. I've started telling memories in poems and stories. Bits here and there, that are being set free from a locked tight sub-concious. I wish to welcome you to GA Joe. I hope you're as happy here as I am

Hello Joe Thank you so much for sharing My mum's whole religeon thing wasnt god, but her version of it, and her cronies too. Now I am athiest and not afraid to say so. My circumstances living in the middle of nowhere, meant I didnt get all the "It's a sin to be gay" I didnt know I was until after my mum had died and I bought some gay porn. Then it was YUK girls and MMMM to men LOL I am doing a self-heal thing, but I have a goal. I met my BF here on GA and he helps me so much. I also have to say if it wasnt for him, I have no reason to leave. I have everything here. There are honest, genuine, kind people here Joe. I hope you will keep coming back and thank you so much for the hug, right back atcha

Very deep and emotional Bee Looks a lot better posted. I told you so Well done

How could a post from you ever sound weird Lily That must have been so scary for you. So glad you're OK My distraction right now is the workload. I have too many pigs, but I know not to do it again. I dont need the income from them its just something I enjoy doing. But 30 pigs is just too much. You could always try star jumps Lily LOL mind you at 1:30am your neighbours might complain.

Thank you Roan. I think we have covered what helps us and the how's why's and wherefore's I'm not cured, not by a long way. But it gets better. My newest thing to try. Is to stop focussing on the main problem and shift it slightly. As in: I cant go through the gate yet. But I can get used to being there, Opening and closing it. There is no pressure there. No pressure that says "you will try to go through it." Also things like having a farmhand move in with me. So I am not entirely alone. Baz (the farmhand) volunteered when I was really ill. And with cut backs and everything, he found himself without a job and he lived with his mum. And she couldnt afford to keep him for nothing. So long story short he works for board and lodging and some pocket money and his National Insurance Contribution. But he's a new friend. I have to learn to trust. As I keep saying Onwards and Upwards.

I actually enjoyed what you wrote there. So not a total loss