Dannsar

My new limerick is written, but unfortunately I can't post it here yet, cos it's the punchline to my latest story. So, if you want to see it, you'll have to read the chapter The Microphone in my flash fiction collection 'Bits'

Grrrrrr! It's not usual to hear a woman tell this story from a man's perspective, so it was great to hear you do so. Thank you. Really recognised the capacity for a man to feel this attachment to his child.

I think this is the first I've read of yours, Nephy. Really liked it. I pick up on pussy boil too ... I didn't like it though. The imagery just didn't seem to fit.. I liked Ephraim. But I also liked Luke. I thought it was rather clever of you to introduce him, but not really feature on him earlier on. It made the denouement that much better. Not sure there is any more mileage in this one by which I mean, it might just be better to leave it in its all round excellent state than attempt to polish a diamond.

Ok, this is a lovely continuation to the story. And I'm glad someone in that household has some sense and some just plain, simple niceness. But there's stuff that doesn't make sense ... Eli is unresolved, for me. She is twelve, but she doesn't 'even need the stool'. This suggests a child of five or six. She is also described as a little imp. For the story she needs to be twelve as far as I can see, but at twelve I can't imagine a chikd talking his way. They are far more gauche and awkward at that point in their lives. At five or six they would have no problem saying difficult stuff withiut a hint of irony ... I've seen it ... terrifying and hilarious at the same time. There again, she is having to be the woman in this household, and that sort of intimacy might exist with a child brought up (seemingly / in my head picture)without a mother for at least a large part of her life. 'If you say do, dad' ... I have pondered over this, but I just can't understand it. Anyway, we may be getting set up for something in the plot ... I don't know But I feel this is a relatively minor flaw. The fact remains that these are characters with an internal cohesion that really draws me to them. I don't know how long you're gonna make us wait for the embrace that must 'surely' come. But its a lovely wee tease here and I can see me getting very strung out waiting for it. At least we know C4 is done. It's kinda odd having to nudge you write C5 after reading C3 so we can get C4

Ha ha. I nearly fell off my seat when I read that. That was just so funny! Quite interesting to note that the girls thought the car was about to be sold. Hmmmm ... I thought it was rather more terminal than that. The irony of having not long been sentient and then to be ... hurrumphapped! I think you were using a double text there you naughty naughty man! One strange thing, I thought. This car was everything anda whole up until the point where it wouldn't work, then suddenly it was 'its engine' rather than Lance not being able to get going. Weird sort of separation there which kinda seemed to make The car a bit too bloody human! Blame someone else! Great wee story. :2thumb:

I had a wee thought, so I barked I touched a wee nerve, where I parked It's a touchy wee thing... A kick in the ring As I know, now I'm bloody well sarked

Lol ... she's fabby ... but he's hopeless Oh and the editor is rubbish too ... but you're right ... it's a great campaign ... good product reinforcement with simple messages that ring true ... oh, and just the most fabulous little granny seen lately this side of Jupiter!

Now, THAT I can empathise with

See, this is where you shouldn't be an editor ... you're only giving us part of the story! You should be an author ... that way you'd feel a compulsion to tell us the whole thing, and I have to say its sounds damned interesting!

Nooooooo It's just fun ribbing each other. There are actually loads of limericks on this thread about random stuff. I have started a story for mine and categorised them into chapters, so you can read all of them there! https://www.gayauthors.org/story/dannsar/limericks Not pluggin or anythin, jussayin Anyway, feel free to make them up or paste them from elsewhere or just quote ones you have heard before ... funny is always good lol ... Dirty is usually better hehe, but remember the youngsters and the site rules. **waits patiently for content**

Well Marky's bought another PC Cos he's lost without music hehe! If he thinks we believe THAT He's a daft little rat Cos we know about his kind of glee

Yeah, I re-read the first part again cos I got lost in the second part, what with the time shift and the change of pov. It's still written as well, and the frisson is even stronger than before. So I might be blue from holding my breath by the time you ever get the two of them together. Assuming they do, of course. Personally I absolutely detest the same action being told from a different pov. For all sorts of reasons. But some people like it. What I think you have been much cleverer at is that the way you have done it, moves the story on, both in terms of development as well as backstory. It might actually be that is a more economical way of conveying the depth of the characters without having to drag us all the way through an unnecessarily detailed narrative. So, I'm prepared to be convinced. I still want more, faster. As for development advice / commentary ... I think that's your part of ship. However, the way it has shaped up so far, I would be wondering where the story is ultimately headed. As a getting together tale it works bloody well. I'm not sure it has a life beyond that. BUT, if you think it does, then I would think that moving on with that sooner rather than later would be best.

Interesting one, this. I pretty much agree with Anyta as codicilled by Graeme. But I think that the answer(s) lie in the definition of happy. To be honest, a sad story is great, but it really needs to have something positive about it, otherwise the reader might feel like taking the fast elevator from the roof! The other thing is ... what do you do to define happy? A concept really only has concreteness in its opposition to its counterpoint. So, happy needs some sad to exitst as 'happy'. Otherwise it only exists as ... something. Does anybody know their state when in heaven if they've never been anywhere else? Nope, which is why hell exists. Lucifer didn't know how well of he was, till ... Of course, that doesn't mean that the counterpoints need to be extreme, but that leads me to Danger. The possibility that the trajectory of the story which the reader desires will not come to fruition. It's difficult to see how to introduce that with large amounts of inbuilt happiness. It's not impossible, mind. And then there is the question 'what is the point in writing a story?' Now, if we make that '... a happy story...' the question becomes invalid, imo. But the point of any story, by which I mean fiction, is surely to resolve a tension. The 'tension' may be plot related, it may be overarching, or it may be both, with the plot devices standing as metaphors, or even metonyms, for the metanarrative. That really involves an opposition between a likely outcome and a desired outcome, and the work of achieving the latter over the former. Now a coupla more personal things ... since you brought them up Can I just advise you to go and have a wee fallout with Mike. Makeup sex is just ... well, I'm sure you DO actually know And if you really think that you are gonna introduce a wee bundle of unadulterated joy into your home that you are never gonna hate for a nano part of a nano second, boy you need to mix some vinegar, lemon, and salt, and take a swig. You sooo need woke up! There will be the odd day when you just wanna get away. There will be far more nights like that, lol. But you will still love this wee bundle unconditionally for all its ability to articulate contradictions without the merest hint of irony! Seeeeee ... a very happy happy story. And you will both be more sappy than you would care to admit at this point. ... Till your energy gets sapped But believe me, and I'm sure Cia will confirm this, there will be some unhappy moments which won't define the happy ones, but they will bring them into much more pointed relief. Oh, and by the way ... I've generally found that banging one's head usually addles it more, rather than less. Jussayin!

Oh well, that'll be me told

What a complete little idea. Lovely. The whole thing just seems to hang together with an unexpected twist at the end of it. However, the twist causes a lot if dissatisfaction in me (in its content, not its existence), and makes me want to argue argue argue ! This is written with a lovely luminosity, a sort of sparkly clarity and articulates an often difficult to deal with set of circumstances. It's just a shame Tyler feels he has to give in to them.

This was a lovely wee story that just got at me. I wanted to .... I dunno, I just wanted to ... Anyway, its captivating elements aside, there are a few coments which should really be made: I know you said it was unedited, and I might be being picky, but unedited should not be put up as finished work in my opinion. There are often too many things to grate. I had actually worked out its status before the end note. Flash fiction ... does that mean it cannot be left to simmer a while? I know some people have trouble going back and polishing, but I think that is part of the job of flash fiction ... to polish your skills, and the last polish is part of the polishing, if you see what I mean! Now to something more structural. I was quite struck by the contrast of the natural and the human in this piece. It seemed to me that they did not quite integrate. Of course, metaphorically that is a very apt method. However, you opened with something as ethereal as shadows, which hinted at fleeting sensation, and for me, the sensation lacked. I think there were two factors involved. Firstly, the language interrupted too often. Too much 'which' and 'that'. It might seem like an odd thing to say, but it formalised the language and added to the second thing. Those parts where you were allusive rather than descriptive were very much the more successful. The fleetingness, transience, and stealth of the shadows. The hiding of all but the blue orbs. The feel of bodies together. These were things which allowed inner feeling and an opportunity to meet with the characters on an emotional level. However, there was too much description of physical things and impediments. It was almost as if the language and the difficulties of the landscape were coming between me and the characters, rather than between the characters and their goal. Thhat left me a bit dissatisfied. Lastly, I am not sure I saw the real point of their journey. I know it was to be together alone. But why so far, and if it was a bit of midnight madness, why push on to a far off goal in a dangerous landscape? There's nothing wrong with that, but a little touch of backstory to illuminate the need they obviously felt would have been useful. All of that said, it was a very touching piece. It was thin and airy and enveloping and caressing. The unspoken love was almost palpable and it was a piece to cry over. Flawed, but isn't every diamond

There was a discussion about wrinkles And Lugh and Mark's lacking of kinkles But what can we say? It's the Oil of Olay That they rub every day on their winkles

This was entirely predictable. And that's its value. We see things and ignore them, till it's too late. We don't make time for people, until it's too late. We write people off with flip prejudices, till it's too late. And we all do it. And we all know we shouldn't. And we would all say we didn't need this banal little reminder. And then we understand the importance of the banal. When it's too late. Maybe this pointedly irritatingly sharp little tale will come soon enough?

Hmmmm, my sentiments exactly Cutie ... I mean fir an 18yo thats hardly been off the croft ... how does one come to this knowledge ... unless that stile post has been ge......

Oh how delightful. The News of the Screws is to close! But, what's this? A Sunday Sun? No change there then!

Haha, very good, but lordy lordy ... surely Lughlugh wouldn't use language like that. Something very cutting, perhaps, but downright abusive?

Pfffft, Marky. That's you wanting to pinion. That can't be right for a minion!

Gardez Lugh ... so to speak, and I hope you are the wild man ... twould be fun to see someone try to tame you

I watched my sister's wedding. Well, actually, I think it was my mother's wedding really. What a performance. Honestly, Merchant Ivory could have filmed the thing as a multi million dollar movie with no more than ten per cent of the shennanigans. I watched and noted, storing info for my turn. Me? Well, when himself and I got married I kept very firm control. We restricted the numbers at the main event. There were no ancillaries such as flowers. We had the wedding party only for dinner after. And we had the celebration party the next day, just to break up the stress. Gregor and I catered the food between us for 150. All in all it cost us £1000. We had a fabulous time. After my sister's wedding my parents had to go on holiday they were so burned out. And the average UK wedding costs £18,000 nowadays. And get this. She watched her favourite part of the wedding procession up the aisle so many times, rewinding it endlessly, that the video snapped in the end! Honest to god. It's a ridiculous piece of nonsense, so this piece was pretty well spot on. I call it a piece, because I don't think it was a story as such, and I'd really like you to turn it into one. I think you have all the elements along with the heartfelt emotional nuclear trauma necessary to fuel it. "Ladies and gentlemen. Pray silence for the Best Man, Mr. Comicality. He will now take the piss out of the groom, oh and the bride's mother. We have twenty minutes ... the undertaker is booked .... Mr. Comicality ..................

That was astonishing. I'll do a full review when the contest is over. My goodness, how to do something different and do it well!