MrM

Monday I honestly don’t know why I went to school today at all. I was so nervous about confronting Billy that I almost called in sick. I swear I woke up hyperventilating and in a cold sweat over it! Why? Why should I feel this nervous? Billy’s opened the door and all I’ve got to do is walk on through! But, like I’ve said so many times before in a hundred different ways, I’m a stupid coward. I definitely saw Billy today. It was only for, like, a few seconds, but I did see him

Sunday Well, that plan didn’t work out. Billy never called. I looked for messages and waited all evening for a call, but none came. I thought about calling him, but my heart felt too much like lead after my visit with Stevie. I couldn’t get the courage up to do it. I doubt Billy wants to even hear from me now. After what I pulled on the lawn the week before last, why would he? I broke his heart. I’m sure I’m the last person he would want to hear from. So, understanding that, why w

Saturday Well, not a whole lot to write about while I’m here on this plane. My Dad is sitting right next to me, so I don’t want to get too ‘interesting’ with what I’m writing, but it passes the time. We’re not getting back until late so I guess most of my day is going to be spent up here in the clouds or in airports. We have to make a two hour stop-over in Denver yet again. I’ve never understood why we have to change flights just to cross the country, but I guess there’s a reason. Mayb

Thursday Ok, my heartache for Billy and my shame for my cowardly stupidity aside, I seriously had one of the best times in my life today! For the first time ever, I got to go to Disneyland! My Dad wasn’t expecting it either and, I’ll tell you, I’ve never seen this side of him before! He was as excited as I was and he was acting just like the kid that I am! He was even wooting! It was almost embarrassing seeing him go from being ‘Mr. Dad’ to Brian the eight year old. He even high-f

I guess I need to update it. 😝

Tuesday I thought about Stevie today. I’m worried about him. Without me around to help him out, I wonder how he’s getting on with Karl and Jason on the prowl for him? I hope they took the principal seriously and left poor Stevie alone! Somehow, I don’t think so. Those two don’t seem to respect any kind of authority. Maybe, Stevie’s Mom will keep him home from school. Maybe, the school will allow Stevie to work from home to stay away from those two lunkheads. I don’t know. Probabl

Sunday Well, the wedding reception last night was ok, I guess. It did manage to take my mind off of Billy for a while which was good. It was held in an outdoor banquet area outside of a resort hotel called La Valencia…I hope I spelled that right. Everything in San Diego tends to have a Spanish name and I don’t know a thing about Spanish. The food was really good. I guess Aunt Josephina, Uncle Walter, and Beau’s parents went all out with the wedding because the fifty or so guests

Keep watching the space! More is coming this week. ♥️

Saturday The flight was a long one. We had to stop in Denver to switch planes and it was freezing there. Just as well. The freezing temperatures echoed that cold feeling in my heart that I was left with after walking out on Billy. There’s like this ice cold hole in my chest where my heart used to be! I’ve managed to break my own heart as well, I guess, as I have Billy’s. It’s so cold it hurts! It aches like I can’t breathe! I’ve lost him! No…I didn’t lose him. I let him go! Fool

I’d have to say Billy Chase. Yes, Billy with all of his stupid mistakes, big heart, and convoluted thinking. He is a real three-dimensional person modeled after an obvious expression of Comsie’s own experience. Perhaps, Billy is the dream of what could have been for Comsie had he not had to live Zack’s existence in My Only Escape. One of the reasons I started writing Brandon Smiling was so that I could, sort of, inject myself into a reality where Billy really was my ‘boyfriend’ at fifteen. One of the magical things about being an author is that you can bend time, space, and reality to create a world in which you might want to live. Billy was the boyfriend I never got to have growing up. The time in which I lived and my family situation just didn’t allow for such things. Also, I never met anyone like Billy that would have been the right temptation for me to throw the life I had at the time away in exchange for something better. All I had were my own fears and insecurities to keep me company. So, Comsie managed to take an avatar of me at fifteen and sketch me like a caricature. He named me ‘Brandon’ and set me on a path of discovery to find Billy Chase and he did it through Billy’s eyes. Vicariously, I was able to live the ups and downs of a relationship I never got to experience as a teenager. It is a testament to Comsie’s ability to create three-dimensional, thoroughly realized characters that I was able to live a life I never got to live growing up. All of Comsie’s works can do this to some degree, but The Secret Life Of Billy Chase managed to do it with a depth of reality that I found the most compelling. So, yes, silly and imperfect Billy - I would have been his Brandon with all the obsession, jealousy, and insecurity that Brandon’s character represents.

Sharing this, I think Comsie healed a lot of people in turn. I cry happy tears for this story now. I said I would read it and I did read it. I avoided it for the longest time because I knew it was semi-autobiographical and, honestly, I couldn’t stand to think of Comsie living through that kind of pain. But, in his memory, I have now read this, his most personal story. Wherever you are, Comsie! I love you for this story and for all the others you have done that have opened my life up to my new possibilities now and my dreams of what once might have been. May this story be your lasting monument.

“And maybe...just MAYBE...it'll reach out and touch the heart of some other kid who went through the same thing. Maybe it'll do some good. And if it does, then every beating, every insult, every soul destroying minute of my childhood abuse will be worth the despair, the agony, and the suicidal thoughts, that I had to experience growing up...will have some merit. It won't be just some useless story of another beaten and neglected kid who ended up as some random statistic in the news. I MATTER dammit! We all do! And I just wish that kids like me could realize that. I really do.” You sure did, Comsie. You reached right out with your story and touched thousands of lives! In your life-review, I imagine your finishing this story was like a shining star of one of your best accomplishments.

Fear is the mind-killer, Zach. Don’t let it control you. Turn in the assignment. Get the help that you desperately need.

I loved that quote from Dune. After seeing it again it gave me just the angle I needed for Chandler to approach Brandon on his screw-up with Billy. Indeed, Brandon needs to confront his fear and move past it if he ever hopes to grow and become more than he is and to have more than he has ever had before. That’s how we mature.

I’m so glad that Zack has his friends! I wish I’d had that growing up. Their strength would have been so welcome and needed.

"Worry that...the people I love, the people I care about...even my best friends...they're just going to get bored with me someday." I said. "They're gonna get bored, or they're gonna get mad at me, or they're just going to find somebody better than me...and that'll be it. They'll move on. They'll abandon me, never talk to me again, and they won't look back. Why would they? If they don't care, then they just don't care. Who am I to demand to be a priority in their lives when they've got other things to worry about? That wouldn't be fair to them at all. So...I let them go.“ There goes Comsie, singing my song again. Such is my life and has been since I was a kid. People come and go…and I just let them.

…and now we random readers can come to know and understand the hell you knew, Comsie. This story is your lasting legacy. One that, I hope, will exist always.

If you can’t wait until I get to it then: https://gayauthors.org/story/comicality/thesecretlifeofbillychase2/50.

Alas, the Black Dragon is pure evil. He is a being as well as a metaphor for what is wrong in this world of ours. You’ll learn more about him in The Old Places. 😉 Thank you so very much for reading!

“I could beat him to the punch. I could take his victory away from him...if I just did it myself.” I was afraid that would come up in Zack’s thinking. Things ARE getting dangerous for him now. Very dangerous. Something has to give pretty soon. Notice my use of italicized full caps!

I fear this is what I would have done if I’d ever found a Brody. The voices told me and still tell me I can’t have that kind of love. It’s wrong for me to want it, etc. It’s the emotional abuse that eats away at your soul…your very humanity. I empathize with Zack, naturally. Comsie always was good at putting into words what others can’t.

I agree! However, Chandler had some words for Brandon on this: https://gayauthors.org/story/mrm/in-chandlers-hands/13. Basically, fear is the mind-killer.

Fear Is The Mind Killer https://gayauthors.org/story/mrm/in-chandlers-hands/13

Ok, so I’m very confused. He told you he loved you again. This time at school no less, but this time you called him ‘weird’ and just walked away? Then you went on a trip for a week. Um…what the hell, Brandon? Yes, I do think you made a big boo boo this time, Babycakes! If I’m confused, I can only imagine what Billy is feeling right now…other than heartbroken! Then you explain to me that first time you two were in bed together didn’t count and that you are sure now that you j

I had teachers like that and I learned and moved beyond them despite them. I see that Comsie had to do the same. Through Zack’s avatar, I see you Comsie and I recognize that struggle to finally build that iron inside that lets you express yourself…just for yourself…and then let everyone else come along for the ride if they want. They don’t have to if they don’t want to.