So it’s my birthday and I’m now the same age my dad was when he died. (44 in case anybody wonders.)
I can’t say I’m having a total existential crisis about it but I can’t help but to compare myself to him. My dad had issues that lead him to die so young so it’s like I can’t fault him for the things that happened because of those issues, even though everyone else would probably.
I have my own issues thankfully not as serious as his but am I the adult he was? That’s the thought I’ve been stuck on for the last couple of days. Am I as wise and experienced as he seemed to be or was he just faking it to benefit his teenaged son.
i spent some time last weekend with my sister in laws son from a previous marriage and he’s 16, the same age I was, the same age dynamic and I realize I was way too young no matter how mature I thought I was to go through what I did when my dad died, add on top of that my sexuality, religion, and total absence of safety, stability, and guiding hands it’s amazing I survived any of it without an alcohol or drug addiction or a criminal record.
One thing I do realize is that I do not feel like the wise old adult my outward appearance seems to give, the guy my dad was. I’m still that 16 year old me trying to fit where I can’t, like an actual identity of some kind has been eluding me this entire time and I can’t figure out for the life of me who or what I’m actually supposed to be.
I guess after a lifetime of waiting for that other shoe to drop has something to do with that.
I’ll admit I’m low key jealous of everyone whose managed to slip into the roles they found themselves in whether it was intentional, accidental, or it was just something they organically grew into.
So I spend this birthday as one of the lost ones mentioned in the song “Nemo” by Nightwish which I’ll link below because it sums up my mood perfectly.
Once I get over myself I’ll get back into writing and finish some stuff up, I do have some new stuff in several genre’s I’m playing with I’m hoping to share eventually.
i really do appreciate the community here at GA that’s listened and responded to my ramblings, who have read reacted and responded to my stories no matter how hard the emotions went when I intentionally tried to wreck everyone to the point of tears, being here and being able to express the stuff I keep locked down in my daily life has helped keep me sane and functioning the last few years.
If I were to change anything I’d work on my focus so I could actually sit down and write more so yall had content without waiting endlessly for it when my brain goes on a bender.