Jeff Burton

I ended up talking to Doctor Marsh about that prescription, and instead of just one, she gave me two. One was meant to take the edge off, the other to help me sleep. I didn’t like the idea of taking pills—it felt like I was cheating my way out. And honestly, I didn’t trust myself with them. The only reason I agreed was because everyone—my mom, Elijah, even Dr. Marsh—kept gently pushing me to at least give it a try. Just to see if it made things better. To see if it could give me a break fro

Since we're sharing this is my current one. I've got quite a few that are tagged to memories that cause me pain in one form or another. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXvthgkZ2yQ&ab_channel=FailureBand

If anyone who reads this has never had to deal with a real narcissist. Count yourselves lucky. And I'm not talking about someone who just gaslights you all the time, I'm talking about the real hard core deal that uses those tendrils to remove your ability to resist. Those are the most soulless, the most dangerous. Those are the ones who spark fear years after the fact when things are finally good again. You might be able to be free of them physically, but you can never truly be free again.

This last 2 weeks have been nuts. I need a nap. After a small purchase on Amazon and a delivery that got delayed because it got lost, found then lost again I upgraded my janky setup with a wifi extender that could reach where I needed it to reach because my old ass wasn't about to dig a trench and lay CAT 5/6 cable from where I'm living to the main hub. It works and it's faster than what I had before so that's all that matters. I can finally log into google drive without the "attempting to maintain a friggen connection to google's servers because whatever your using for internet seems to be bouncing off the Mars Global Surveyor which is causing this to take a while." I need a drink. A nap, a belly scratch and possibly a hooker.

Damn time for awkward brotherly bonding. A conversation would be good, no idea how either would take such a thing though.

My internet hasn't been very friendly lately, I had to order something off Amazon in order to sort of fix it temporarily because honestly, I don't feel like digging then burying a cable if I don't have too. Right now I've got the tin toil array pointed at just the right angle to bounce a signal probably off a government satellite so we'll see how it works for the rest of the day and if I can actually get any chapter updates done.

I know lol, packing, moving, unpacking, fixing a roof, on top of normal work life is ugh. I’m gonna try to force some time in this week if possible I need the break from real life stuff.

It’s coming the last 2 chapters are a beast though I may have to add one more to the mix. The last week and a half have been busy.

You do that and I’m going to pop out of a mirror and ….

I may be mystical and all powerful sometimes but I doubt I can claim the guardians of the timelines as “tasty with sauce” lol.

Ahem 😂

Oh 303 is so tempting.

Thanks to @wildone for pushing me over the edge. 😂

I’ve probably dropped more hints about my past in comments all over this site and it’s the most I’ve probably told anyone at this point, I just keep it to myself. A couple of people have gotten more in various DM’s for a multitude of reasons usually something they wrote that made me want to share but yeah, generally I’m pretty private with that stuff in the real world. Theres still some stuff I’m working on making peace with through writing and I’ve got more coming I’m just actually writing it first instead of just posting it some of it needs thought behind it.

Isn’t that the truth. I screwed up a bunch of stuff due to the ignorance of youth lol

I can tell ya because I speak from experience that it takes a while. I’ve been there and almost 30 years later there’s still shit I haven’t told my Celia although I’m working on having a conversation with her while I still can.

Jimmy had fallen into a domestic abuse trap that was so dangerous to survivors of Child Abuse. There are predators that are drawn to the vulnerable, and it ALWAYS starts with false kindness, slowly twisting into favours, and favours lead to manipulation, and manipulation to control… and once they have control you are handing your pay checks over to them, and watching your life micromanaged for you… Richard was a predator, and a fucking evil one. I think the above is why I’m still so fucked up. Over the last couple of years I’ve been reconnecting with an old school friend I’ve known forever, he knew me when I was eight, knew me when I was twelve, was there after my dad died when I was sixteen, and last saw me at eighteen when I fell off the deep end and disappeared. We were on the phone a month or so ago and I was finally telling him what happened that led me to move away from his house (I got kicked out, those lies you tell yourself are everywhere). He made a comment while we were talking that basically said “you’re different and not in a good way.” He was pointing out how reserved I am now, I’m not as expressive as I used to be, not the talking head that wouldn’t shut up about stuff I was passionate about. And I realized that I was beat into submission like that from my own Richard. That is still the story I can’t tell, and I still have physical scars on my body I lie about because of it. The only solace I have from that entire affair was that after praying every night that I wouldn’t wake up, God decided to take him instead of me, and I got to witness that he’d never hurt anyone ever again. I still feel like key points of my life were stolen from me to never return, and I have to accept that I was permanently changed from the experience.

We need a support group for this because I’m at 10 or 11 right now. This has to stop.

Not really a status update, but more like a blog post not sure if I should put it there instead but here we are. It's been a crazy week, wrapped with more change than I'm comfortable with but here we are. I've slowly been sounding out chapters to update current stories and to continue unpublished stuff. But there is something stirring. I keep listening to "Heart Shaped Box" by Nirvana on repeat, it's almost obsessive compulsion at this point which means, something is brewing in my sub conscious. As if I didn't have enough going on in the real world, plus all the unfinished projects, and new ones that won't leave me a lone another one is trying to breach the surface. I wish my brain would let me focus on maybe one or two projects at a time but the wiring in me head doesn't work like that, no matter how hard I try. Whatever this idea that wants out seems like it has a veracity the other's didn't, and that kind a scares me a little bit. It's no secret that when I write emotional stuff I have to look in to my own hurt in order to put that emotion into words in a story, and when I do that it upsets my emotional balance a little bit. It makes me wonder what I'm going to have to go through to satisfy whatever the muse is going to pull out of me next. There are some hurts, that I don't want to touch. Sometimes the stuff that died with the passage of time just needs to stay dead. But here I am, Heart Shaped Box midway through the song again, wondering why. It's not the lyrics that I seem to be focused on, it's the guitar bits. As if the melody absent the lyrics is a story in itself. Or could be a story itself. Maybe it'll come to me eventually. Till then, repeat...

This is definitely it. If she was actually smart she would see that her own hubris would be her real enemy.

Oof. That was a hard hit. That was one thing my dad didn’t do unless I actually did something that was worth it which was rare. Don’t get me wrong when I was 8 I was an unholy terror for a while and it was bad, and he resisted in corrective action until it couldn’t be ignored and yeah that definitely fixed my problem. But there was still someone else who did. When I was 3 my mom died and my dad had to go to rehab for a while so I was left in the care of my mom’s side. I can’t even remember his name but every time I did something that looked wrong I got hit. It seemed like he’d come home and I’d get hit just for that. I tried avoiding him like a feral cat but I was 3, then 4. How far could I go? Some people just got off on terrorizing the weak.

I’m just a guy slowly working his way to Saint hood 😂

So here’s a bit you didn’t know. When Topher was at the end of the last story, he asked me for advice on what to do, because I think his original plan was to let this one sleep for a little bit so he could flesh out some other projects (one of which is I believe Eastbourne/Ottowa Tales). I emphatically told him, write the first three to five chapters of this story first so that when he was ready to return to it there was enough there for him to get the feel easier. Now this book is already 20+ chapters in because he couldn’t stop after chapter five. So you’re welcome 😂. Those chapters stoked the fire and he hasn’t stopped yet, it’s probably the best advice for the benefit of others id ever given in my life. Enjoy this one guys, it’s even better than the first one.

This is one of those stories that ends up being the surprise you didn’t know you needed. This is a remarkable adventure through time that Hugo didn’t ask for, he meets Alec almost accidentally and pulls him into the adventure unwittingly and instead of each trying to return home, they begin to find home within each other. The plot feels fresh as it’s a take on an old sci-fi trope with its well thought out methods and the author has gone out of his way to tell it in a unique way that has you burning through Chapters like a fire starving for oxygen. This is a great read, and worth rereading time and again, as Hugo and Stoker make their mark on time itself.

Oh no I did a writing exercise with Stoker for fun and he ended up being pissed off because Hugo wasn’t there. No sorr, Mister Stoker doesn’t like visits of any kind.