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Tiger

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Blog Entries posted by Tiger

  1. Tiger
    These days I am feeling profoundly depressed. I just don't know how I can take it much longer. Everything in my life seems to be a complete wreck. I feel as though I am next to nothing, as though every thing I touch just turns to sh*t. I think I really need to get to a doctor soon, or I don't know what will happen. This time seems even worse than the time when I was in my teens, but not quite as bad as the episode during my early 20's. Still, it does not seem to subside at all. Right now I don't even care if I live or die. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but that is where I am. Some might have also noticed that this kind of mood actually does inspire me to write poetry, though it tends to become a lot darker. I even go into a mode where past emotions come back to haunt me, and then I add it to my poetry. This is a good coping mechanism at times; at other times it makes me feel even worse. I just don't think it's enough of a coping mechanism. Something has to change, or I may not be able to take it anymore.
  2. Tiger
    Well, my writing is now at a stand-still. How I forgot about this, I am unsure. I have been using the desktop to store all my stories. While I had been backing up stories on the laptop, I had not done so recently. Recently, there have been issues at home where the electricity does not work properly because of the crazy people who once lived there. Now I have to wait for Kansas City Power and Light to fix the electricity before I can write again. So yes, the idiot would be me.
  3. Tiger

    Moodiness

    By Tiger,

    I have a bad habit of being moody and taking it out on people. Then when I realize what an insensitive ass I have been, if find myself wanting to do whatever I can to make up for what I say and do to make up for it. I just wish I didn't have moods like this. I really feel bad afterwards. It's not like I really mean to say stuff that's so mean. It just happens. I am far from perfect, but I do know how to be nice to people. I just wish I could be nice more often. The things I say out of anger or whatever are my own words, and I am responsible for them. Anyway, I said some stuff I'm not proud of, and now it is time for me to beat myself up over it. This kind of thing makes me feel really guilty.
  4. Tiger

    Moving Day

    By Tiger,

    Today was moving day. We got started around noon today. It was the fastest move ever. It only took a few hours. We were done before 5. Granted, there are still plenty of kinks to fix like the problem where the shower curtain does not seem to stay up here. I just got out of the shower actually. Moving was definitely a good idea, but it will take a while before it feels like home. I already have a tentative plan to move again, maybe even twice. Hopefully it will be easier with just my stuff. I really want my own apartment. I might even be willing to live by myself for a while. As far the comments in my previous entry, by special friend I am being purposely ambiguous. It could mean a friend with benefits It could be more. Yes Kevin, I vehemently disagree with you about "friendcest". I would rather it be someone I can trust than a total stranger. Besides, that's just way too shallow for me. No offense to anyone who does. It's just not my thing.
  5. Tiger
    Saturday, I will be moving to Kansas. I am actually excited about it. The town is a bit larger. I am so tired of this town. It's just not a good place to be. In addition, I have been thinking a lot about my life. One of my friends is suggesting that I actually take A+ certification, which would basically give me more hands-on training with computers. Some of the stuff they teach is stuff I already know, like how to assemble a computer's outer components. The inner components I am not as familiar with, but I want to learn them. If all goes well, I will find a job in the KC metro. I am an hour south of there now. I think that would be a better place for me, because it is much more gay friendly, and there is an actual community. Chances are that I could easily find a special friend there, and that is what I need. The only thing I don't know is if I want a relationship or if I want something a little more casual. If I had to say at this moment I would say the latter. I am not very trusting, and I think either someone would have to make a lot of effort, or I would have to really be liking him. At least I'm more comfortable now. There is a down side to the friends with benies thing. There was one time where I felt used afterwards. That was bad. Anyway, I am tired. That is why I am so random here.
  7. Tiger

    Bad News

    By Tiger,

    I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to finish the anthology story. I'm having a hard time writing very much at a time. I'm also going to be moving next week, and that does not give me a lot of time. Add the personal issues I'm having right now, and you have one uninspired writer. I am also not likely to spend much time online except for my classes. I really need to cut down on my online time for a while. I have no idea how long either. I'm not saying that I'll be gone for a long time, but I probably won't be around much for the next week or so.
  8. Tiger

    Some People

    By Tiger,

    Everyone now and then, we read or hear about a reason why more people should practice birth control. This Houston Chronicle story is about such an example. I read the story just a few minutes before starting this entry, but I thought I would share it. I am not sure that sharing this story in the forums would be a good idea. Anyway, what these guys did was not only creepy, it was a reprehensible way to treat another human being who is no longer among the living. What is wrong with people these days? Why would anyone want to do something like this when they know it is so unacceptable in society. Why do so many parents not teach their children right from wrong anymore? We live in a society where almost nothing is shocking to us anymore. Yet, this nation is supposedly a beacon of Christian morality. I hope these sickos go to prison for a long time for this. It is unacceptable to be acting this way even if you are a pothead.
  9. Tiger
    It was exactly two years ago today when my adoptive father died. He had had a stroke in in his brainstem in July of 2004. He died on April 24, 2006, exactly two years ago. It does not seem that long ago either. In some ways, I still feel like I'm missing a father figure, but life goes on. There was actually a time when I would have sought an older man in a context of a loving relationship to fill the gap. It took me a while to realize it, but that would not have been a good idea. What I had to do was accept my father's death and move on with my life and stop wondering what might have been. I've almost forgotten his voice. The last time he was alive, he was in a hospital bed slowly fading away, a shadow of his former self.
     
    I helped take care of him for a long time. That meant giving him medication via a feeding tube, changing him, and giving him breathing treatments as well as turning him from time to time. It was no easy task either. Then, he really went downhill. First, his feet started turning black literally. They were actually considering amputation. Finally, he got pneumonia plus MRSA and sudamonis. He ended up being on a ventilator for the second time. Just as a respiratory therapist was working with him, his heart stopped beating. The nurse went into the room and tried to bring him back. A physician actually joined her, but it was too late. I found out soon after and soon my aunt and her husband took me to the hospital where he had died. I was still somewhat shocked. Even when you expect someone to die, it's still a surprise you're not ready to handle.
     
    It was about a week later on May 1st when we had his funeral. I couldn't help but think it was way too soon for that to happen in my life. I was only 23. In the end, we don't know how long we're going to live. Most of us expect to live more than 53 years, but there is no promise that we will. We were not meant to live forever, but I still can't help but think that 53 is way too young to die. I certainly hope that I live longer than that, but that may not happen. That's why I need to live my life day by day and focus mostly on the here and now.
  10. Tiger

    A Trend-Setting Puppy

    By Tiger,

    I found this old thread on the site. I couldn't resist turning it into a short-short story for the amusement of all. Keep in mind the fact that this is satire. If you do not have a sense of humor, do not read this!
     
    Once upon a time, there was a mad scientist named Snow Dog. Snow Dog, being a naughty puppy, decided to reach new heights as one of the first members of gayauthors.org to join the millennium club. With pride he created a thread to mark his great achievement. In the process, four members, three of whom would soon be important, decided that the millennium club was their new mission in life. Their names shall forever live in infamy. They are C James (the most prolific postaholic of all time), JSmith (the cutest admin and tech support genius), rknapp (another cute member), and the A Friendly Face (one of our wonderful moderators). With perseverance, the four members sought membership in the millennium club. Three of the four soon joined the bi-millennium club. Two of the decided to reach new heights and soon became the two most prolific members of all time.
     
    Soon more monsters of prolific posting emerged. Graeme (the wondrous echinda from down under), ever wanting to be prolific soon joined them as a prolific poster in his own right. With stars in his eyes, young and impressionable BeaStKid soon joined the ranks and became one of the most prolific members of all time. He was soon joined by Benji, an all around nice guy. Soon a new author called Tiger sought to no longer be a newbie. As his post count increased, he wanted new titles until he could one day have a title of his own. His friend, Sacha, made the same decision and the two soon reached 500 posts. With great eagerness, Tiger sought the millennium club, a club his friend would join several days later. The Tiger shall now and forever remember how Snowy inspired him and so many others to join the millennium club and surpass him with their dreams of prolific posting.
  11. Tiger

    The FCC can KMA

    By Tiger,

    I decided to post my opinions here, because I'm not sure if my level of outrage is allowed in the forum. Yes, I mean it. The Federal Communications Commission can kiss my ass. They are a bunch of fascist pigs who should not even exist. Everyone remembers a few years ago when Janet Jackson showed her boob on tv and the unnecessary outrage it caused. I'm more outraged by the outrage personally. In Europe, the outrage would be over the fact that she didn't do so 10-20 years earlier when her breasts would have still been perky. In the UK, they show everything but erect penises on tv. Why should we be any different? In an age when there is blood and gore everywhere, a penis is out of the question. Am I the only one who sees a problem here? I think it's such a crock. Don't even get me started on the radio. They bleep the word, ass. That's insane! There is not a child on this planet who hasn't heard that word.
     
    The only good thing the FCC does is regulate the products. Yes, radios and televisions should meet safety requirements, but censorship is terrible. Why would anyone want such a regulatory agency? I pay my freakin' taxes, and there are a lot of things that money should be used for, but it should not be for censor tv shows or songs on the radio!
  12. Tiger

    Muse, Where Art Thou?

    By Tiger,

    My muse has been missing for a couple of days. I have no idea where he went. Oh, how I wish he would return as fast as lightning. I suppose everyone goes through such times. I don't think I'm "blocked", but I can't seem to think of anything when I try. I think it's more of a temporary kind of thing... at least, I hope it is.
  13. Tiger

    Coping without smokes

    By Tiger,

    Sometimes it is difficult to cope with life. It used to be that I could just smoke a cigarette, and I would be calm. Now, I can no longer do that, because I quit smoking. Does anyone have any suggestions about coping with stress in a healthier way? :wacko:
  14. Tiger

    Regaining Focus

    By Tiger,

    I am going to be disappearing for a while. Worry not for I am still going to be writing. I am not blocked. In fact, I am going to remove some distractions for a while so I can focus almost exclusively on my writing and school work. It may be a few days. It may be a week or a month, but I need to focus while my muse is hot.
     
    Added: On second thought, I will just not be on quite as much. I would miss everyone too much.
  15. Tiger

    New laptop

    By Tiger,

    I bought a new laptop over the weekend. I like it. I am finally starting to get used to the keyboard. Vista will take a while to get used to as well. I also like this game I have been playing called Rise of Nations: Rise of Legends.
  16. Tiger

    Where to start

    By Tiger,

    I decided to start my blog tonight. There's not much going on here. I just finished a block of my classes which means that I am starting two new classes, Cultural Diversity and Environmental Science. I already have a problem with Cultural Diversity. I realize that there are other groups with struggles in the past and present, but nothing in the syllabus suggests that this course discusses the GLBT community at all. I do not like that at all.
     
    In other news, I'm still working on Chapter 10 of Dark Earth: The Prophecy. This chapter is not progressing as quickly as I would like. I'll write about a half of a page and then stop. Then, I come back later and start typing away. Posting a chapter per week would be impossible with this story, unless I had chapters already written in advance.
     
    It has been over a week since I've had a cigarette. I am so proud of myself for finally quitting after smoking for 11 (just 1 and a half years short of half my life). Already I feel like my breathing and sense of smell are improving. For those of you who still smoke, I suggest Nicoderm CQ. It really worked for me.
  18. Tiger
    Richard Dawkins is a professor of zoology at the University of Oxford and a strong opponent of creation and intelligent design. I am disabling comments as my reasoning for posting this is simply to share, not to spark a debate on religion. That's what the Soapbox is for. Watch it if you want of course, but this entry is not going to be used for a debate.
     
    http://video.google....284641446868316
  19. Tiger
    In my last blog entry I expressed outrage at the proposed changes to curriculum in Texas. This article has recently been posted on the Texas ACLU website. They, along with the NAACP, have drafted and sent a letter to the Texas Board of Education. While the ACLU did not yet suggest there were going to take litigious action, they did use legal precedents. I think this could be a huge legal battle that redefines what state boards of education can and cannot do, at least that is my hope. It was several years ago when the Kansas Board of Education wanted to do away with the teaching of evolution and replace it with bullshit creationism. Personally, I think the federal government needs to create legislation that would completely obliterate federal government funding for states who make these kinds of changes. Anyway, there's the article.
     
  20. Tiger

    Cool site!

    By Tiger,

    This site is pretty awesome. If you enter text, it will pronounce it. For some reason some words are not usable like the f word, c word, and whore. Otherwise you can do pretty much what you want in several different languages. http://www2.research.att.com/~ttsweb/tts/demo.php
  21. Tiger

    Hate Crimes Overview

    By Tiger,

    Hate crime is defined as "any of various crimes (as assault or defacement of property) when motivated by hostility to the victim as a member of a group (as one based on color, creed, gender, or sexual orientation)." This is according to Merriam Webster. Thus, it can include cross burnings, spray painting epithets on someone's home or other property, assault, or even murder. What's more is that these crimes are actually increasing, or at least the reporting of hate crimes is on the rise according to This means that it's difficult to determine if the crimes themselves are increasing in numbers in the US. My goal is to inform everyone of this issue. As many people on GA are gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. we are at higher risk of being victims of hate crimes.
     
    Most of us may have the false impression that gay men are the most likely victims of hate crimes. However, according to the FBI website, there are more reports of hate crimes against African Americans than all hate crimes based upon sexual orientation combined. In 2007, there were 2,658 hate crimes against African Americans compared to 772 crimes against homosexual males. Jews appear to be second with 969 crimes. Of the remaining crimes, whites are the second highest for racially motivated crimes with 749 crimes, a number very similar to the number of gay men who are victims of such crimes. Thus, in our fight to curb crimes based on hate, we cannot focus solely on crimes against sexual orientation minorities. The numbers of racially motivated hate crimes are too high to ignore.
     
    Future blogs on this topic will include: hate crimes against African Americans, hate crimes against Jews, hate crimes against GLBT people, and hate crimes against white people. I am of the belief that knowledge is power. The more we know about hate crimes, the more we can do to stop them. Through education and strong advocation, we can make a difference.
     
    If anyone knows of any specific hate crimes that they feel is necessary for one of these future blogs, please feel free to contact me via the PM system.
  22. Tiger

    Two Must-See Films

    By Tiger,

    Inglorious Basterds is the newest Quentin Tarantino film. It's about a paramilitary group led by Brad Pitt. Their job is torture and kill Nazis and return to their leader with Nazi scalps. It should be a gloriously violent film. Here is the trailer.
     
    The other is GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. It looks like a great film, and with today's advancements, the special effects should totally kick ass. Here is the trailer.
     
    I must see these films, and I think everyone else should too.
  23. Tiger

    Dark Earth 2 and more

    By Tiger,

    I have decided to begin releasing chapters of Dark Earth 2. The biggest change is the POV as I have decided to go with 3rd instead of 1st. While it can be risky, I think it is important. There's a lot going on, and it seems more suitable for the flow. For any of you have been waiting, I apologize. It took me a while to get back into it, and now the story will be told. I have also been thinking about combining this one and the planned third episode in the Dark Earth series. This one will be longer than the other, though the chapters are somewhat shorter. Chapter 1 starts about six months after the end of Dark Earth: The Prophecy.
     
    I've also got an idea floating in my head. It is likely to be a short story, and it will be very dark. The story is not of a sci-fi or fantasy title. It's more of a horror story.
     
    I've also got an idea for a story about a demon hunter on the horizon. It's going to be set in modern times (for the most part), but I have to work more on the plot before I start writing it.
  25. Tiger

    Sigh

    By Tiger,

    Conflicted... yes that would be the word. For so many years, I lived in the KC area (with a short interlude in SEMO). Now I'm in Texas. I like it here, but sometimes I miss home. It's like there's a small void there. I don't regret leaving. I feel a lot happier here most of the time. But I see myself wondering what the future will bring. Will I end up staying in Texas? I don't really know. It's like there's still something missing in my life, a void that has been eating at me for a long time. I just know that once that gap is filled, I can truly be happy and not have to worry about the proverbial shoe to drop.
     
    In other news, I'm still not getting the work hours I really want. I need full time, because I really want to save up money for my own place. But when I get to that point, where do I want to go? I don't really know. I could stay here in this town, the largest I've ever lived in other than Kansas City. I do like the hustle and bustle of a city, but there's a part of me that will always be a country boy, and there are so many places to explore. There's also the thought of moving closer to the ocean. Houston is a beautiful city... so close yet so far from me now. It's been 7 years since I was there, and I was not there for long, but it's definitely a nice city.
     
    The weather here is definitely going to be an adjustment. Normally I am more used to it being anywhere from the 40's to the lower 60's this time of year, but it's not at all unusual for temperatures here to reach the upper 80's or lower 90's here, and where I was before, that didn't happen until late May or early June. It really does make a lot of difference. It's also bone dry here. It seems like it rarely rains here. There have even been some fires. It's unbelievable to me. Of course, it would always start to rain in March where I was before, and the occurrence of snow and winter rain was often enough that there was no mistake that a severe or moderate drought was out of the question during the winter and spring months. Even with February technically being the driest month there, wild fires were unlikely at best.
     
    A few news stories also struck me as of late. The first was a woman whose daughter was apparently murdered by her former girlfriend. That's just sad. Then there was news about a man who was severely assaulted in Dallas. Apparently, it was a hate crime as he happens to be gay. So even in a major city that is increasingly progressive, there is still a great deal of danger. The third is about this evil man who's been raping young girls between 12 and 14 years old. In two cases, he entered an apartment that was unlocked. In the third, he had a key. That's just awful. Why are there so many evil people in this world?
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