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Tiger

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Blog Entries posted by Tiger

  1. Tiger

    Am I being insensitive?

    By Tiger,

    The last thing I ever want to do is come off as abrasive. I think most of us feel that way. I seldom tell people what really bothers me, because I don't like people to think that I'm putting them down. However, there comes the moment when I've had enough, and then I tell the person what I think. Sometimes they take it the wrong way and walk off. Alternatively, they become disheartened. How do you tell someone that you don't like what they're doing without causing such reactions? Is that always possible?
     
    My experience has been mixed though. Some people do seem to be a lot more gracious about it, while others feel like you've stolen their candy. It could be that I hold back for far too long and finally reach a point where I just let them have it. I keep a certain tone, one that is not overly aggressive, but one that tells the person what I think. Is the "laundry list" a bad approach?
  2. Tiger

    Screwed over again

    By Tiger,

    Here's a thought. Life is just some f**ked up scheme to screw me over. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens just to knock me back down. For instance, I started my classes in August, thinking that it would all be fine, but now my finances are all f**ked up. It's just coming to a point where I'm about ready to give up on ever attaining my education, because I'm obviously not meant to have one, despite my above average intelligence and my dedication to making it happen. What did I ever do to deserve all the f**king setbacks? I just want to be free to make my mark upon the world, but it's like I have done something in this life or a past one that makes me unworthy or something. Why do I even bother waking up in the morning?
  4. Tiger

    Tim the nuisance

    By Tiger,

    Sometimes I feel like a nuisance. I guess that's life, but I wonder if I'm just poisonous to people, almost like I can't do anything right at all. It makes me wonder why I even bother, because all I ever seem to do is upset people in one way or another. Maybe I should just give up and not bother trying. I may have reached a point where I cannot afford to care anymore. Even when I have the best of intentions, I end up on someone's shit list. It's entirely depressing, and I sometimes feel as though there's nothing I can really do to make up for it. I just never seem to be able to pull myself together for long.
  5. Tiger
    I am now solidly in support of Barack Obama. I have no doubt that he is a much better candidate than John McCain, and I know he will be a better leader. All McCain wants to do is promote the same failed policies of George W. Bush. That is not simply unacceptable. It is reprehenisible. George W. Bush is a disgrace to the office of the President of the United States. He should go on trial for treason, and the asshole should be sent to Leavenworth (federal prison) where he belongs. If McCain is going to promote similar policies, he is no better and probably deserves the same fate.
  7. Tiger

    New classes are starting

    By Tiger,

    My new classes start tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, but I'm excited too. Some of the classes I'm going to be taking later will be interesting. For now I'm just taking a couple of introductory classes until around November. After that, I will take a web design class, and that's the one I really want to take. I know some HTML, but I want to learn some of the other stuff, because there's only so much that HTML can do. Now that I don't have the severe depression holding me back, I'm ready to move forward. I'm actually to the point where I don't feel depressed at all, and that is a wonderful feeling. I don't think I've had a bad day in a week. I must say that Wellbutrin is a life saver. I don't know how I went without it for so long.
  8. Tiger
    Call me crazy, but I thought the US Women's Gymnastics Team basically gave away the gold medal last night. One of the women fell off the balance beam. The same one fell during the floor exercise. It was definitely a disappointment. They could have won if not for the fact that they made so many mistakes. I will say, however, that I am at least relieved that they won silver and did not do so poorly as not to medal at all. With huge mistakes like that, it could have been much worse. I was just hoping that they would win gold for the first time in 12 years. "The Magnificent 7" may be a tough act to follow, but these young women were definitely capable of gold.
  9. Tiger
    When I graduated from high school, I had big plans for my life. At that time, I wanted to be a nurse. I tried being a CNA for a while, but it just wasn't for me. I later decided to try paralegal. I took a few classes, but the luster eventually wore off. Last summer I started some IT classes. Then I dropped out. Now, I'll be starting new classes on 8-20. It's a different school, and I don't know if I'll actually be able to use a lot of the credits from the first which really sucks. I owe the old school $1,000, and I won't be able to get my transcripts until I pay them off. That sounds simple enough, but wait I don't have $1,000 to spend. I dropped the last two classes right after I moved to Kansas, and that is the reason they sent money back to the lender. I was so stressed out and severely depressed at the time. I also can't seem to write much of anything these days. I have no inspiration. Here I am with lots of story ideas, including 2 remaining parts of a trilogy, but the inspiration to actually write is just not there right now. I don't know what to do about it.
     
    Another thing is that there are really no potential partners around this area. It's definitely too rural for my personal taste. I really need someone. There's also this problem that there are a few that I do like, but they don't live in my area. Maybe I spend too much time online. Well, that just seems to be a pattern with me for several years now. I need to snap out of it. Oh well... I might as well forget about that for a while. I would like to think that there's someone wonderful in my future, but I honestly don't know if that's the case or not. I suppose for now I'll just focus on making improvements in my own life to make it better overall. I need to free myself of these chains, so I can finally be free to life the way I really want to live.
  10. Tiger

    My Mom's Saga Part II

    By Tiger,

    Today, I went with my mom once again to her gynecologist. It seems she has some kind of issue with her estrogen levels. It's not cancer or anything like that, so she will not have to have surgery. I'm happy about this, because I was so worried. Now I know she's going to be fine.
  11. Tiger

    My Mom's Saga Part I

    By Tiger,

    Today my mom had to go to a gynecologist. She has been having some problems lately, and the last week a nurse practitioner told her that she needed to see the gynecologist. There is a chance that she might have cancer, but I was told that it is a small percentage. That eased my mind a little, but I still see this worst-case scenario where she dies, and that really bothers me. I've already lost one parent. The thought of losing another is unbearable.
  12. Tiger

    Do you ever?

    By Tiger,

    Does anyone else ever wish certain things in their life could be different? I certainly am at a point where I have that wish. For one thing, I wish I was somewhere else completely. I'd also like to have someone in my life. I'm lonely a great deal of the time, and it would be nice to find somebody to love. It would make my life a whole lot more meaningful, and I would certainly be happier.
  13. Tiger
    My insomnia seems to be worsening. I went to bed after midnight and woke up at 6. I tried to go back to bed, but sleep would not come. This is starting to really annoy me. I can't take this much longer. I need to be able rest, but it never seems to happen. I have periods of time where this happens, but I wish it wouldn't. Well, I have written and posted two poems. I have been writing poetry every single day. The first one is called "Chains of Pain" and the second is called "Locked". I figured I might as well mention them here. They're both about wanting it all to stop. Don't worry. I'm not like I was about a month ago. I just feel so tired that it's making it difficult to feel happy. So much for taking an anti-depressant.
  15. Tiger
    I happen to be a firm believer in making up for misdeeds. I've always been told that it's the right thing to do. Sometimes our own selfishness can cause us to forget what people mean to us. Only through painstaking steps can we repair what has been broken. Even when we take these steps, there may be times when it isn't enough. Words can only do so much. It's so frustrating to watch as people no longer interact with you the way they once did. Maybe I my own personal issues are too much for some to handle. I have to take my recovery day by day. It's never easy to say that you're in a vulnerable state of mind, but I am. Some days I'm happier than others. The sad days do come, and I don't know how long it will take to minimize them. Life has it's ups and downs. Our interactions with others are affected by what we do. Even though I never intended to hurt anyone, it was apparently unavoidable. I suppose I had it coming to me, because I lost my sense of how to interact with people. The pain was so unbearable, and it still is at times. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning, but I know I have to survive for another day. Things will be better. It's only a matter of time. Sometimes it really tests my patience. Maybe the Christians are right for once. It seems the only way to learn patiences is through what they call tribulation. I call it struggle, but the meanings are similar enough.
  16. Tiger

    Taking some time

    By Tiger,

    Every once in a while we lose sight of what is most important in life. Chief among these important things is taking care of one's self. That is something I had forgotten for a while. I had allowed myself to get caught up in something that just isn't needed right now. The only way to fix it is to distance myself for a while. I would like to personally thank Trebs for the advice he has given me. I have gained new perspective where a lot of things are concerned. I was at a point where I wanted to believe in something that, for the time being, can only be destructive. I had to stop and think about it for a while, but it makes sense to me now. I cannot allow myself to fall into patterns of the past. I have to understand my own self and understand others. I do have introspective tendencies, but I can easily lose sight of that ability, thus impairing my judgment and making everything unclear. I'm still struggling right now, but I am going to come out stronger than ever before. I'm treating my depression through medication and therapy, and I'm going to work through other issues I have. I happen to be a believer in having a guide through difficult problems such as these. For anyone who is reading this, if there's anything in your life such as issues like these, it's best to seek help. You have to be honest with yourself. That is the only way you will ever be right with the world, and it's the only way you will seek healthy interpersonal relationships, including the romantic variety.
     
    As for me, I have figured out that I need to reduce my online time. I need to focus on other things. I spend way too much time at my laptop, and it has gotten to a point where I'm missing a lot, and that is certainly not a good thing. It's also perpetuating some other patters that I thought I had broken but obviously haven't. I have a therapy session coming up next week, but in the mean time, I need to think about a lot of things in my life. There comes a time when it's time to stop worrying about others' problems and take care of your own needs, even the ones you don't know you have. Some of what I'm saying may seem a little cryptic. I'll help solve some of the mystery right here and now. I will not mention a name, but some of what I am saying is directly speaking to a friend of mine. I won't say anymore than that, but I thought I would mention it for those who may not understand some of my words and what the mean. I may have a lot to figure out, but I am still a fairly decent judge of character and will always pay attention when someone wiser than myself brings new evidence to my attention. Some of us want to believe that because we're at least in our mid-20's we have a great understanding of life. Compared to people over 40, I don't have a damn clue. That's the plain and simple truth.
     
    I'll probably update my blog more now that I have uninstalled all methods I have of instant messaging for the time being, so look for new entries more often for a while. I'm also going to try to write, so in case any of my fans are wondering, I'm going to try to have a short story within the next month or so. I'm going to be dabbling in another genre, but I think I can handle it. I think you'll find more of me in this one, at least that is one of my goals. Until next time, be well!
  17. Tiger
    I recently started taking Wellbutrin. It seems like ever since I started taking it, I have a hard time concentrating for any length of time. I can't write very much, and reading seems to be just as difficult. It's really frustrating too. I like to get lost in a story whether I'm a reader or an author. It's like Wellbutrin does something in my brain that makes it difficult to focus. It does seem to improve my moods though. Hopefully I will adjust soon and my brain will be able to function. I'm also starting to wonder if I have a shortage of dopamine. Dopamine gives a person a sense of pleasure. Thus, if dopamine is low, there is not as much motivation to complete tasks that are pleasurable. For me writing is extremely pleasurable and so is reading for that matter. I hope the medication isn't to blame. It's difficult to say at this point. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens.
  18. Tiger
    With Luck A Rocky Landing
     
    I wasn't sure where this should go, so I opted for my blog. Anyway, these people have lost their minds and they jump from rock to rock. It's enough to make even C James cringe with fear. I mean, they could break their bones doing this. I don't care how drunk I get, I could never do this. The locals cite some kind of adrenaline rush as the reason for doing this. I watched the video, and I was wondering why anyone would want to do this. It scares the shit out of me just thinking about it. I have this thing where if I see someone doing something that I think looks painful, I just start to feel uneasy. Thus, the video freaked me out. How in the hell do they do this without risking serious injury? They make it look so easy. They do have a cord, but what it breaks or they miss their target? I am picturing one of those severe fractures where bones are protruding through the skin. There's blood everywhere too. It's only a matter of time before someone wins a Darwin Award for doing that. I could never do something like that. I don't have the guts to even attempt it. I thought base jumping was bad enough. At least base jumpers have a parachute. I think they were seriously screwed over in the brain department when God was handing them out. :wacko:
  19. Tiger

    Questioning Sincerity

    By Tiger,

    I generally tend not to trust people or believe everything they say for quite a while. This is one of my defense mechanisms as I have been burned a lot in the past. Generally speaking, I'm not to the point where I think every word is a lie. However, it does take me a while before I believe all or most of what a person says to me. I make it a habit to look for certain patterns before I make a judgment call. This tends to save me from a lot of undue drama and even pain in some cases. While most people don't go out of their way to lie, they're not always 100% honest. Given my past experience and people who have hurt me in the past, I tend to take people's words with a grain of salt. This may not necessarily be a good thing, but it's just part of survival for me. I try not to be to the point where I won't accept help or advice from a person, but sometimes my defenses are too strong.
     
    Once in a while, someone comes along who unknowningly is able to break my defenses and eventually get me to feel comfortable and maybe even really start to like that person. At this point, I tend not to be as skeptical as I normally am. This can create a problem, because sometimes I accidently put my trust in the wrong person and end up paying the price. This pattern seems to be one I cannot break no matter how hard I try. It's like I have some kind of self-destruct mode that leads me into a den of lions. I end up feeling the pain of disappointment and humiliation. I even carry around bitterness. I cannot figure out why I keep falling into this pattern. It seems like there's nothing I can do to stop it. I hate having to doubt people's sincerity. I know it is not necessarily normal. Once someone's actions seemingly negate their own words, I have no choice but to question sincerity. Hopefully, I will eventually find someone worthy of my trust, but I doubt it will be any time soon.
  20. Tiger
    Gabe just posted a similar blog, so I thought I'd do the same. I thought others might want to know a little more about me.
     
    1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
    Yes I was. I was named after two uncles. Both of them died young.
     
    2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
    I
  21. Tiger
    Have you ever had an animal under the hood of your car? Had someone asked me that yesterday, I would have said no. However, if I said no to that question now, I would be lying. I left my house around 2 and went to Missouri. Before I left, I noticed a kitten crawling underneath my car. I thought nothing of it. I put my key into the ignition, turned it over, and let the engine roar. Once I arrived at my destination, I heard a distinct meow, one I had heard before. So, I open the hood, and nested on the right side is a kitten. I was afraid to touch it, because that kitten was rather wild. I asked my cousin to help get the kitten out. At first, the cat was in fairly good place, but then my cousin's dog decided to investigate. Thus, the cat decided to go back down into the part where the transmission is. Finally we got the kitten to land on the ground beneath the car. I fired the engine, and the kitten ran away, presumably to be eaten by my cousin's neighbor's dogs.
  23. Tiger
    Today, I took my friend, Lori, to the bus stop. I have known her for over six years now, and she has decided to move to California. She had been in a relationship with my cousin for a while. Anyway, it was not going well and she decided it was time to pack her bags and move for good. Personally, I don't hold it against her, though some might think I would. She is doing what she had to do for herself. It seems that she has had enough of being miserable. In her situations, I'm sure I would have done the same. I wish her all the best, and I hope she enjoys her life. Still, I'm going to miss her more than I thought I would. Isn't it weird that we can't even admit to ourselves what a person means to us until they're gone? I know that's terrible, but it's the truth.
     
    I have been thinking about my own life as well. At some point, I would like nothing more than to do the same thing. I need a fresh start in my life. I certainly wouldn't mind hopping on a bus and getting as far away as possible.
  24. Tiger

    Rescheduled

    By Tiger,

    Unfortunately, the woman from the A+ training place called this morning and said that we needed to reschedule. While I was a little disappointed, I know I will be able to go some time next week. In the mean time, I am going to focus as much as possible on writing. I have actually made some good progress already today. I hope to continue with that today, because I really want to wrap this one up so that everyone can see how it ends. Anyway, I just thought I would still update as promised even though there really is not much more that can be said about it yet.
  25. Tiger

    A+ Cerification

    By Tiger,

    Friday, at 11 AM, I will be talking to a counselor about A+ certification. Some of the classes are to be online which means that I will only have to be on campus for the physical aspects like changing hard drives and putting computers together. All of that is stuff I am already familiar with anyway. This is going to be awesome, because I can take both classes in just eight weeks. After that, I want to pursue Network+ certification as well as Security+ certification. Meanwhile, I can find a good job in the Kansas City metropolitan area. Then, of course, I will be moving to a much more open minded area. This could be the beginning of a much better life!
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