Tipdin

Do I dare put this in print? Don't get nervous people. This is a regret, not something I am going to do anything about. My biggest regret is not making good on my suicide attempt. It's been more than thirty years since I awoke from a coma and I still wish I hadn't.

I grew up in Minneapolis, Minnesota. My family moved to the country when I was 16 - exactly the wrong time for me! I now live in the suburbs. Minneapolis has gone the way of many cities, it's dirty, rundown, and dangerous. If it was still nice, I'd love to live there agin, I miss the monster Victorian mansion that sucked up all my time and money... but then I think about the five acres I own up in the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee and take a deep cleansing breath. Babbling brooks, waterfalls, bears, coyotes, and eagles, almost no people at all. At this point in my life, the seclusion of the mountain top is j..u..s..t right.

The University of Minnesota did a study about people with the ability to write backward. Less than 10% of the population is supposed to have this ability. It demonstrates an ability to simultaneously utilize both hemispheres of the brain. I participated in the study since I was left-handed and regularly wrote everything backward, (to avoid the spiral on the side of the tablet). Using my left and right hand I can write forward simultaneously, one forward while one is backward and then trade directions, backward with both, or upside down going forward or backward as well. I was informed that THAT was just weird!

I understand.. ! We're both cursed, I guess. I have never been a religious person, but the one prayer I have prayed is that what goes around really DOES come around! But it seems as if the dopes, jerks and a-holes in my life keep getting rewarded while I clean up their messes. However... I still say that everything that actually happens MUST happen for a reason. I'm a one-man clean up crew for the idiots in my life ...for a reason. Damned if I know why, but there it is. For some reason it NEEDS to be this way until is stops being this way. I've worked darn hard to change it - and have to a degree, but it took forty years to do it! Shakespeare knew what he was talking about when he said all the world is a stage and we are merely players. ...I need a new agent.

Thank you.

Thanks for your comments! (To others who sent me comments as well.) I spent a week in a coma after a suicide attempt when I was 20 years old. I had to find or invent reasons to wake up every day. I finally decided that we are all here for a reason. We may never know the reason that we're here, but we're here because we NEED to be in order for some labyrinthian plan to happen. We may be the one that someone else is inspired by, or pissed off by to the point that they do something that in turn leads to another action. Each of us MUST be here and whatever happens MUST happen in order for something else to happen that NEEDS to happen. I guess I needed to have a rather 'sucky' life in order to be here for my nieces and nephews. Perhaps I had to make my own money rather than inherit it so that I could set a good example. Perhaps I've never had a good partner so I would understand what betrayal and loneliness felt like in order to have a deeper understanding of what honor is all about. Perhaps my permanent state of naiveté had to be in place so that I could relate well to children in order to gain their trust, thus become a person of influence. You see how it works? Perhaps THIS had to be so that THAT could be. Perhaps I need such a circular, silly philosophy so that this note becomes what inspires someone else to write their great America novel about an old man with the innocence of a child. Every action, good or bad happens for a reason. So I don't regret what I've done, nor do I think that I don't have choices or responsibility to try doing the right thing. Perhaps every action is predetermined, I don't know and it doesn't really matter, my responsibilities remain the same regardless. TREAT SELF, OTHERS, AND THE EARTH WITH THE KIND OF TENDER CARE THAT ENSURES WELL-BEING. I cannot judge others, as I am not perfect. I cannot treat others poorly, as they may be the ones I rely on later. I must treat everyone with gentle care that ensures their well being - in that way I hopefully inspire as well as show them respect. Everything happens for a reason. I was born gay. I NEEDED to be born gay for some reason. If I had been straight, I would never have been in a position to take care of my nieces and nephews - or right this note! Many have faulted me on this philosophy, but it has worked for me. It altered the way I see the world and how I relate to it. I have lived my life ALWAYS trying to remember that every action I make may be JUST the action that someone else was waiting for or needing. There is an ancient philosophy that says all things are connected - I never REALLY understood that until this very second. Perhaps I had to write this to clarify that philosophy in my own head. So that means that YOU had to be here to write to me so that I could respond and thus obtain a better understanding. See? It works.

It has made me very popular with the under 10 crowd!

31 with 3 mistakes I'm like Lacey says, I suck Telling gay people that you suck is not necessarily a bad thing!

There are many reasons that I really like Canada, among them the fact that gays can get married. Your society is designed better and politicians seem to be much wiser and more well behaved than those in America - but being better behaved wouldn't take much compared to our fools!

I actually prefer the company of young children. They're so honest and open about things. I have sworn a sacred oath that I will never evict my inner-child.

I sure hope you're right! After all, that was the whole point.

THANK YOU!

Holy catz! I've heard the song but never paid attention to it. Watching the video, I had tears in my eyes! I love it!

I make a point of using cursive, even calligraphy at times. It is an art that is dying, unfortunately. I was also an architectural drafter for years so I often print in all caps as well. When I owned my businesses, VERY often I required applications filled out by hand. I learned a great deal that way.

And coming in dead last at 32 WPM....

I'm not saying that Lord of the Rings was bad - in fact, without them, Rowling may never have been inspired to write HP. Rings is probably the greatest piece of writing the world will ever know. In part, because it was the first time the world was ever given anything like it. Lord of the Rings is just not as easily experienced as HP. Tolkien was a linguist and invented a language that he almost requires his readers to learn in order to follow the plot. History owes Tolkien a deep bow of gratitude. He set the bar very high for all that follow.

HI DragonFire, The reasons I would not have chosen to be gay in a do-over is a long, complicated story. The Reader's Digest versions, however, is that one of the reasons is, I always wanted children. Also, I have been out fighting for gay rights for decades, I've been beaten, shot at, evicted from apartments, fired from jobs, arrested, and had both arms broken, but continued to stand up against stupidity and homophobes. One of the lesser reasons, though not inconsequential, is that in my family upon marrying and then upon becoming a parent, each person inherits a significant amount of money. (Note: significant.) I'm sure many people will read this and eliminate everything except that one fact. That one fact, however, is NOT the main reason. The inheritance represents a whole list of ideas. Being treated equally is my focus. In my family, I would have been treated just like anyone else - if I had been str8. As it turned out, I made a comfortable living, my siblings frittered away their money, and I ended up raising my 6 nieces and nephews. So I sort of got it all anyway! The last point that I think about is that, I have had several husbands, each of whom has turned out to be somewhat....disappointing. Now, if I had been straight, the likelihood of having many wives behaving as badly as the men, is reduced by a large margin. (One husband cheated on me, got AIDS, and died. Statistically, women are less likely to cheat and more likely to WANT to make their marriage work.) I grew up in the early sixties, which means, growing up gay was extremely difficult. It has caused more trouble than I am willing to put into print, here. I could insert a million sob stories about taking care of AIDS patients during the 80s. My life has not been an easy or a very happy one. I'm just looking at how green the grass seems to be on the other side of the fence. I've worked so diligently at living an honorable life, while all around me, I saw people doing things that were ridiculously dis-honorable. I have never cheated on a spouse. I have tried to give my kids as comfortable a life as I could. Hell, I've never smoked a cigarette or had a drink in my entire life! (And forget drugs - never even came close to those.) I've owned several businesses and gave many of my friends and family members jobs that paid well. I've tried to be generous and share whatever I have. It just seemed like the right thing to do. But I kept ending up with guys that couldn't or wouldn't be faithful, and that led to all sorts of trouble that I just didn't want or need. Living an honorable life is something I take VERY VERY seriously. Call me old-fashioned, but I want a partner that IS faithful, not just SAYS he is. I also want my partner to be clean and sober. I'm not requiring that he is a dried up teetotaler, but I've had enough of alcoholism, thank you. I'm not amazing and I don't stand out in a crowd; I'm just an average shlub. I'm not asking for a superman, just an honorable man. Honor seems to be beyond most people today. It makes me very sad. It doesn't seem that difficult to me. I'm the genealogist in my family. I can trace three of my four grandparent's ancestry back to the early 1500s, one to 975 A.D...! I have included many in-law trees as well. In my family tree, I have over 60,000 names with birth and death dates. The average lifespan among those 60,000 names is less than 65 years. My dad had 8 brothers and 1 sister, none of them saw their 65th birthday. My mother had 1 brother and 1 sister. Her brother died at 57. My youngest brother has already died. I'm in my mid-fifties and in seriously shitty condition. I doubt very much that I will see my 60th birthday. I've been retired for several years, trying to make the most of life while I can. The greatest part of my life has been the last few years. I can't stand up long and I can't sit down for long. I can't walk very far and I can't get down on the floor to play with the grandchildren anymore. My back is a mess, I have several crushed discs along with a degenerative bone disease - it causes constant pain. So my life is in its last chapter and it hasn't been a fairy-tale by any stretch of the imagination. I've had some great and wondrous adventures, but those days are overshadowed, sadly, by the trauma and drama. Perhaps, just perhaps, if I had been straight, my life would have been happier. Hope dies hard. I've tried to make a good life and it actually has been pretty good, ...as long as I did not have a partner. I am at peace with myself, my past, my friends, and my family. Should I have another heart attack and not survive it, that's ok. My only regret would be that I never finished writing my damn fantasy trilogy. I make jokes about my tombstone. I've told the kids that I want it to say, FINALLY, he gets to play with his dragon!

If I could go back and change things? You bet I would! Taller, richer, more handsome, (read hung like an elephant) and MUCH more self-directed. And, I hesitate to say it, but I would not have been gay.

I love this! I live this! I come from a very mixed, (er, maybe mixed up!) family. I have Jewish roots via my mother, though I do not claim to be Jewish. I have Protestant and Catholic cousins that became ministers, priests and nuns. I have several black relatives, some of whom are Cajun and some identify with their African roots in a much more demonstrative way. I've got nearly every major religion imaginable in my family, straight, gay, and transgendered family members, and several languages spoken as well. We cover the entire financial spectrum and somehow, we manage to get along fine. We have some pretty wild and complicated holidays, but there is a spirit of adventure and wonder that prevails. Politics, religion, ethics, morals - we'll tackle anything. Sometimes, the debate gets so heated that people revert back to their native language and then nobody understands what the other side is saying so EVERY side can claim victory... We have a family motto that we try to instill in our children and live by as adults: Treat self, others, and the Earth with the kind of tender care that ensures well-being. When all else fails, we can point to the motto carved into the mantle. We often ask; "Does the difference make a difference?" Whether we go this way or that, in the end, does it make a difference? If so, does that difference make a difference? Am I closer to God, a better human being, more honest, more caring, more real or true? In my family, we often debate the merits of a choice, not so much the choice, itself. To act with honor in a way that protects well-being - beyond that, does anything that's different, make a difference? To what degree? To what advantage? At what cost? Most things have a down side, remember. I had a husband who was a Catholic priest. We debated his job and beliefs constantly. (To begin with, he was shtupping when he was supposed to be ignoring!) It drove him crazy that I didn't even care if Adam and Eve were real or if my soul was aimed in the right direction. I kept telling him that it made no difference to how I was going to live my life. I had children to feed. I had bills to pay. I had music to which I must dance. My intentions were honorable and my actions were to, well..., most of the time, so really, what did it matter that I wasn't a practicing Jew - either reformed or Hassidic? Who cares if I didn't go get the white potato chip and drink the punch at mass, as my little one used to say? Intent and action. Those are what matter. As long as both are done gently and in accord with your conscience, do the details really matter THAT much. And if they do, why do they matter that much? There's your two conversations. I say two - the first one is internal. Know what your talking about - thoroughly! The second conversation is the one you have with the person(s) that will be impacted.

Gosh, if a str8 guy asked me if I thought he was hot, I'd be saying yes while slamming my lips against his! That'll teach him to ask stupid questions!

One can be in love at any age. Love does not fade away with time either. If it does, it wasn't real to begin with. I have known many couples that enjoyed their relationships well into their golden years. My own parents have been together now for 60 years, they're like conjoined twins at this point - one could not survive long without the other. Both set of my grandparents were married until one of them died. My great grandpa lived to be almost 100 years old and pined for his wife until the day he died. I knew a couple of guys that had been together since their early teens and were both in the eighties when I met them! They were clearly in love. Love can come at any age, or any number of times. It can deepen, even become vital for the health of one or both individuals.

Gadz! I must live on a different planet. I have never once been asked a question even remotely like any of these. And I've been VERY public for over 35 years. The closest I can think of is when my mother used to ask me how to find out if a guy was gay so she could try setting us up on a date...!

How cool was that?! Kids are so great, nothing is a barrier to them!

Most of us are taught to go for what we know. We seek what is familiar and re-create what has been. Some of us go another way - at least for a while. Evidently my brother is correct, he always said that I look like the mailman. I do not look like any of the men in my family. I am a fishbelly white guy but had a partner who was black. (He died of AIDS.) About the only kind of guy I have not dated is Asian. There were very few Asian men in Minnesota when I was husband-shopping. But I must admit, that my favorite flavor of man is what I grew up with. Tall, dark, handsome , and really, really SUPER HAIRY. Those are the guys I learned to love as a child. All the guys (and to a frightening degree, some of the women) were hairy. It's natural to go for what we know. Very few parents encourage their children to explore and go for what they do NOT know.

HA! Actually, I do. My great grandmother was 100% Irish.