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JSmith

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  1. JSmith

    Resignation

    By JSmith,

    Nine years. I've been a part of GA for just shy of a decade. I've seen it grow from only a few forums and some scattered author websites to a community of thousands of people across the world with millions of visitors every month. I was member 937 to join the site. GA is now approaching the 25,000th member. I joined this site on a random Wednesday and it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. The people I've met through this site have guided me and made me who I am today and I couldn't be more thankful. Without them, who knows where I would be.
     
    From the first core group of regular chatters, I was hooked. Viv, Snowdog, Myr, Robert, Lugh, Nate, Krista, Vic, and so many more that I can't even list. They were there to listen to me bitch about high school homework, my first crush on a boy, getting my drivers license, my first relationship and subsequent breakup, graduating college, moving across the country God knows how many times... they were there to listen to me and help me through it. They gave me advice when I needed it and told me to grow a pair and man up when I needed that too. Meeting up with them in San Francisco and Dallas was a blast, but having them guide me through some of the roughest parts of my life was more than I could ever ask for.
     
    I will be officially stepping down in all areas across the site. I will no longer be a moderator, admin, or board member for the parent company. It's been an amazing nine years, but I can no longer hold up my end of the workload and need to part ways to allow someone else to grow with the site as much as I have. The growth this site has seen is nothing compared to what else will become of it. The teams running everything behind the scenes are dedicated to making this site the best possible place for everyone when it comes to gay fiction stories, and I have no doubt it'll continue to grow for many years to come.
     
    Without trying to sound like I'm accepting an award of some sort, I'd just like to thank everyone on the site that has made it what it is and made me who I am. I'm truly grateful for all of the conversations and guidance you've all given me throughout the years. I'll still be around from time to time and may even take a stab at writing some more, but for the most part, this is my final goodbye to Gay Authors. It's been a great journey, but it's time for me to move on with my life and see what else awaits.
     
    Good luck to everyone on the site. I hope you find happiness and gain as much from being a part of this community as I have.
     
    Joe
  2. JSmith
    It's a rare occasion that I'll blog about anything serious (or at all really), so I'll keep this short.
     
    It's rare that you go through life and meet someone that doesn't have some sort of heartbreak in their past. I'm not talking about relationships either, but more of the kind that causes you to stop and wonder how life can be so cruel sometimes. From cancer, to domestic violence, to losing a loved one in an unfortunate accident, everyone has had something like this happen to them in their life, yet no one seems to talk about it in public. You can't walk down the street without hearing about some sort of political issue, but people tend to stay silent on issues that can really affect a lot of people.
     
    Instead of going into details or a heartfelt story, I'm just going to encourage everyone to do something this week that will make a difference. I'm doing a walk tomorrow for Leukemia awareness and to raise money for research. By all means, I haven't raised much (feel free to donate by the way), but it's enough in my mind to at least make a difference for someone in the world. Even if it's nothing more than someone stumbling across this post, at least they'll know they're not alone in this world. They'll know that there are people out there that care about them even if they've never met.
     
    Our world isn't as ugly as people make it seem. So just once this week, I encourage everyone to go out of their way to do something for someone that you don't know and without asking anything in return.
     
    Joe
  3. JSmith
    I find it frustrating that every time I talk to people, they all give me the same, yet different advice. Let's look at love and relationships.
     
    Hypothetical situation: You're in love with someone, but they're in love with someone else. If you ask someone for advice, you'll get one of two things:
     
    1) Fight for what you believe in. If you love this person, let them know it. Show them that you care for them. Profess your love for them and maybe they'll feel the same way. Even if they don't, at least you'll know so you can move on.
     
    2) They're in love with someone else. They're happy. If you really love them, you'll let them be happy with who they're with. If it was meant to be, then it will happen, but nothing good can come from sharing your love when they're in another happy relationship.
     
    Pardon my language, but WHAT THE FUCK!? Both of these sound like legitimate responses to the situation. They're both logical, yet say to do the exact opposite. How are we supposed to determine which advice to follow? Personally I've both given and received both of these. I didn't realize it before, but I do now. I realize that when someone comes to me with this situation, I don't just randomly pick one of the two to go with. I ask myself the same question. If I'm going through something similar, I tell them what I want to do in my situation. Which doesn't help them at all. What if I give them the wrong advice? What if I tell them to let the person be happy because that's what I'm going to do, when in reality, the person they're interested in is actually in love with them as well and was just waiting for them to say something? Does that make me a bad person?
     
    On the other hand, when I've received this information, it doesn't matter what the other person said. I've already made up my mind. If they tell me to move on, I counter with something that proves this person loves me back and that I should do it. They eventually agree and I take the advice that I gave myself in the beginning. Obviously I'm still single so this hasn't worked to my advantage yet, but that's besides the point.
     
    The point is... does it really matter what advice we give people? Do they actually listen to what we say, or are they just looking for someone to justify the decision that they've already made in their head. I'm not talking about minor decisions of where to eat or what movie to see. I'm speaking larger, life altering decisions. Why do we ask others for advice? They can't possibly understand the situation that we're in. Everyone has a different life with different experiences. Wouldn't we be better of just shaking a Magic 8 Ball? If it doesn't land on the answer we want, we decide that was a practice shake and try again until we get the answer we want. Is that not what we do with our best friends when we ask for advice?
     
    Not to say that I haven't learned anything from asking for advice. Many friends have taught me things, pointed things out that I didn't realize until a third party mentioned it, or changed my mind on what to do in a situation. But the truth is, 87.39% of the time, I've already made up my mind and just need that little push from a friend to jump over the edge. But why? Why torment not only ourselves, but our friends? When you're the friend that's giving advice, there's a lot of pressure on you. If you tell them what they want to hear, and it backfires in their face, should you feel guilty? They were the ones that decided what to do. You just told them what they wanted to hear. They had made up their mind, but wanted someone else to tell them it was ok.
     
    But of course, there is a third option. The option that we all take every now and then when we want to give a friend advice they don't want to hear. When they've clearly made up their mind and are looking for you to confirm, when in your head you're screaming at them for being an idiot.
     
    3) Follow your heart. Do what's right.
     
    When I hear these words, my mind immediately invalidates anything you've said or will say in that conversation. You're saying absolutely nothing. The Magic 8 Ball gives a better fucking answer than you. At least with the ball I can shake it over and over and not feel bad. You, on the other hand, are too scared to tell me, your friend, what you really believe. But at the same time, it's the right advice. It's the only advice that makes sense. That's the same advice number one and two are giving, but they're just spelling it out. So why do I get more pissed when someone tells me exactly what I want to hear (#3) than when someone gives me an answer that they're applying to their own life instead of mine (#1&2).
     
     
    If, by chance, anyone is able to comprehend the thought process behind this drunken rambling, please feel free to leave a comment explaining it to sober Joe. Unless you tell me to follow my heart and do what's right. Then you're just an asshat.
     
    Joe
  4. JSmith
    Wow. So it's been a while since I've written a blog. Time seems to be flying by faster and faster lately. It feels like it was just yesterday when I was lurking around GA for the first time trying to decide if I should join. Turns out that was 7 years ago. I've been here for seven freaking years. I basically grew up on this website. The people I've met through here have changed my life so drastically that I couldn't imagine what I would be like today had I not joined.
     
    I know a lot of the 'regulars' on GA are unfamiliar to me now, and many of you probably have no clue who the hell I am. But that's alright. It just means there's more people to meet! If you ask some of the 'older' members on GA that knew me back when I was 15, they'd probably be able to tell you all sorts of stories about me. Mostly though, they'd probably say that in real life I was shy, timid, and somewhat weird. Not that I'm not any of those things still, but every single person on GA encouraged me to expand, to find myself, to follow my dreams, to put myself out there, to explore all that life had to offer. For that, I am eternally grateful.
     
    For a while in life, I thought I was on the right track. I went to college, came out with two degrees, moved across the country to Los Angeles the day after I graduated, and was the GM of a restaurant making $50K a year at age 22. Successful? Maybe. But I wasn't happy. Far from it actually. I hated my job, hated my boss, and hated the fact that I wasn't doing anything about it. And then I snapped. During one of those 15 hour days at work, I had a mental breakdown and finally realized that I couldn't continue going on like I was. So I walked out. I told my boss where he could go and what he could do to himself and never looked back. The next two months I spent trying to figure out my life, which led me to where I am today.
     
    Back in November of 2007, we had our first ever GA Get Together in San Francisco. The trip itself was awesome, but the people that went were absolutely amazing. To finally meet the people that had influenced me in so many ways was a huge honor. It sucked because I was the young one and the trip seemed so short, but leaving there to head back to Texas was beyond painful. I had literally left my heart in San Francisco. I fell in love with the city. Every year after that trip, I made it a point to visit SF at least once. I couldn't get enough of it. So after I finally realized that I wasn't happy with life and I needed a change, I decided to grow the fuck up and follow my dreams.
     
    Though I've only been living in San Francisco for two weeks now, I can feel my life finally pulling together. I have a new job that I'm happy with, I'm in the city that I love, and every day I meet new people that I'm happy to call friends. I went from being miserable and pessimistic in life, to actually enjoying every single day. I can finally stop rushing through life watching the days go by like they're nothing, and I owe a lot of it to those that I've met through this site, the good and the bad. As much as I would love to name the people that I'm grateful for, I would undoubtedly forget some... there are just too many.
     
    Oddly enough, when I started this blog entry, I had no intention of writing all of this. I mostly did it to hopefully cure my writers' block, but I'm glad it all came out.
     
    So cheers to you GA. And thank you to everyone that's been a part of it for the past seven years.
     
    Joe
  5. JSmith

    Update

    By JSmith,

    Hey everyone! It’s been far too long since I’ve been around GA but even longer since I posted a blog but I promise to keep this short. For the past few months I’ve taken a step back from the site in order to get my personal life in order. I’ve been through some rough spots lately and I’m still not sure where exactly my life is headed right now. I’ve been in and out of physical therapy for about 3 months now but I’ll most likely have to go back in for more surgery. Nothing serious, just a minor speed bump in life really.
     
    I’m in the process of finishing up school (if I don’t tell one of my professors where he can shove it) and shortly after I’m moving out to California. Not to San Francisco yet like I want to, but the Marina Del Ray area is close enough. My boss and best friend is moving out there in two weeks so I’ll have to take on more responsibilities at work while still finishing school and dealing with all my medical crap. Long story short, I’m down to sleeping about every other day right now with two days in a row snuck in there every now and then.
     
    This site has transformed a LOT since I’ve been away and I’d like to thank those that stepped up to cover for me and handle my duties when I did so. Myr, Lugh, Cia, Steph, and the rest of the GA staff… you guys are lifesavers. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to come back just yet because I really don’t have the time. I haven’t even poked around in the new GA.Stories system yet just to look much less learn the system. Until I have the time to get comfortable with it (and someone has the time to teach the old dog new tricks I suppose) I will remain on leave from tech support.
     
    Once I’ve moved to CA and have had a chance to get things settled and life isn’t so hectic, I will officially return to GA and become more involved once again. Until then, I wish you all the best of luck in your lives
     
    Joe
  6. JSmith

    Hmm. Google Voice?

    By JSmith,

    <object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" data="https://clients4.google.com/voice/embed/webCallButton" width="230" height="85"><param name="movie" value="https://clients4.google.com/voice/embed/webCallButton" /><param name="wmode" value="transparent" /><param name="FlashVars" value="id=d1167fd3fb5e22b145efce74133767842213cb87&style=0" /></object>
     
    <p><br />
    <br />
    Google sent me an invite to use their new Voice technology. So basically they gave me a phone number and I can have it ring any number of phones I want. It's like call forwarding, but with a ton of other options. So I figured I'd test this one out and put a call me button on my blog. You won't actually get to talk to me, but I have it set up so you can leave me a voicemail. </p>
    <br /><p>We'll see how it goes. If there's a feature where I can send a text from the number they gave me, or make a call from it, then I'll likely keep it because it makes screening calls a hell of a lot easier haha.</p>
  7. JSmith

    Interested?

    By JSmith,

    So I realize it's been months since I last blogged and a lot of new people on here are probably seeing this wondering who the hell I am, but oh well. Usually I write a lot on these when I did my 'monthly updates' but since it's been a while I'll try and keep it to short(er) bullet points
     
    - My first term is finally over. My professors seemed to think most of the essays that I half-assed at 3 in the morning were 'phenomenal' compared to the rest of the class... I just take that as me going to school with a bunch of idiots, but at least they earn an A for me.
     
    - Work is hectic to say the least. Corporate management is going through a bunch of firings and hirings so no one really knows what the hell is going on with that or who our boss actually is at any given time. I still get the same shitty pay though, so I personally don't give a damn.
     
    - I joined a bowling league with Michelle, my boss, and a co-worker, but I doubt you could really call it a 'league' when there are only 8 of us... most of whom suck. I went from 170s and 180s to barely hitting 120s when we play our league games. It sucks, but it's still fun to do every week.
     
    - My mom decided she's going to leave my father, but no one knows yet except for me. They just passed their 25th year anniversary and I honestly don't know why she waited to long to decide this, but I still support her decision 100%. Now it's just a matter of her going through with it.
     
    - Brother is still a fuck-up so we don't really talk about him. My sister decided to move out and up to Missouri to live with my parents so I took her room and Michelle is moving into my old room. The bitch made me paint it before she would move in. Bah!
     
    - I'm still single, as always. Went through a relationship since the last blog. That didn't last. He was slightly psychotic and very much attached and in love with me after about 2 weeks. I held on for a few months and then cut him loose. Still trying to get him to stop sending me 'I love you' texts now and then, but I've made some progress.
     
    - It seems that every guy I'm interested in is interested in someone who's interested in me who I have no interest in. It's like some sort of fucked up 'Interest Triangle' where I get the shitty end of the stick. It's quite annoying so I've given up on trying to find anyone. My right hand hasn't failed me yet, so I'll be good for a while I think.
     
    - My long-term ex, Mason, is coming in town next week and wants to hang out. There's still feelings between us even though he moved to California a while back and we've been split up for over a year now. Not sure how that'll play out, but I'm going out on a limb and seeing what'll happen.
     
    - I went Vegetarian again. It's a lot easier the second time around. I don't crave meat, but it's a pain in the ass to try and find something that doesn't have meat when you're too lazy to cook. I'm doing Thanksgiving at my boss's and I told her she had to make at least half of everything without meat, but we'll be drinking early that day so I don't think I'll care when it comes time to eat.
     
    - My Green Bay Packers just raped the Dallas Cowboys, much to everyone's surprise. I won a bet of a 6-Pack on it, which is the main reason I cared so much about the game. I'm assuming very few on here actually watched it, so I'll just stop there.
     
    - I've unintentionally lost a hell of a lot of weight recently, and unlike usual, I haven't been putting it back on right away. I tried going to the gym for a while, but I'm broke and didn't want to keep paying for the membership, and the novelty of actually going to the gym wore off after a couple weeks and I got lazy again.
     
    - Still depressed. Nothing new there. Constantly getting sick, usually with something throat related. And before anyone makes any jokes about it, it's not from doing that because like I said earlier, I'm still single and very much alone.
     
    - I've neglected a lot of duties on GA recently because of school and work, but I'm trying to keep up. I've only had a few authors really start bitching at me, so I guess I'm not too worthless to them.
     
    - I've been trying to do more to 'help society' and all that crap that everyone advocates but no one actually does. Volunteering at an animal shelter and towing people out of ditches and off the road are the main ones. Giving the bastard at the gas station a dollar so he'll leave me alone doesn't really count because I just don't want to listen to him whine.
     
    - Still an insomniac (as if you couldn't tell by the 3:30 posting of this). The only decent sleep I get is from a heavy dose of sleeping pills or when I'm cuddling with someone. The later of the two doesn't happen often and the former gets annoying so I just stay up all night now. I think I pull more all-nighters now for no reason than when I needed to do projects in high school.
     
     
    I think I'll stop there. I don't really know what the hell else has gone on recently, but nothing important. Most days I end up tweeting FML for some reason or another so it's just the Same Shit Different Day.
     
    And on that, I'm going to go be a nerd and play L4D2 for lack of anything better to do this late at night.
     
     
    Joe
    (Who would like to congratulate and thank all of the authors that participated in the writing contest. The stories were absolutely amazing!)
  8. JSmith
    Short blog this time.
     
    So my sister is in jail. Apparently she had a DWI and also got a ticket for hitting an object on the highway and failing to stop. Which probably means she hit a cone or something and the cop pulled her over and found that she was drunk.
     
    She called me at 8 this morning asking me to come bail her out and not tell my parents. Well that's hard to do when I don't get paid until Friday and don't have the money. So my brother and I called just about everyone we could trying to find the bail money to get her out. We finally found it, but now we have to wait for a judge to SET her bail before we can go get the bond. And that won't be until 'this afternoon' they said.
     
    I feel bad because there's nothing I can do right now to get her out and there's no way to get her word that I'm working on it, but at the same time it should do her some good to learn not to drink and drive. Especially since she was 10 minutes away from home and my brother and I were both up until after 3 and were able to come get her. She's done it before, but she didn't this time. I would have much rather taken 20 minutes to pick her up last night than have to call into work and find a way to bail her out of jail. Plus all the stuff she's going to have to deal with when she gets out.
     
    So yeah I'm feeling bad that she's having to sit in jail, but it should do her a little bit of good. At least, that's what I'm telling myself to keep from feeling worse.
     
     
     
    Just in case any of you are ever arrested in Dallas, don't call me to bail you out. Because it won't happen after this. I've had enough of the bail bonding experiences for a while
  9. JSmith
    So I took my own advice from last blog and that a few others said to do, and I just walked away. I didn't say anything to him because I knew I would end up caving and just end up miserable again. So I let it all go and ignored the calls.
     
    Well, I went up to Coppell tonight to hang out with an old friend I haven't seen in years, and while I was there my phone wouldn't connect to the network, or it was down or something. Either way I couldn't receive calls or texts until I was on my way home. I was up there for a good 3 and a half hours so when I finally got all of my messages, I got this one from his best friend:
     
    Him: "I said I'd f**k you up if you hurt my boy. You have. Watch your back."
     
    I didn't know whether to laugh or be pissed. So I did both. I laughed because it was funny that someone like him would actually try and threaten me. But I was pissed at the same time because he really did threaten me. I know I should have continued to ignore it, but I couldn't. And while I was tempted to send something back along the lines of "Good luck, I have plenty of people to watch my back for me..." I didn't. But I did respond with the following:
     
    Me: "I was in Coppell and the AT&T network was down. But I just got your... threat I guess it was. And I just want to say that you can't even begin to comprehend what I'm going through, but thank you for the warning."
     
    Alright, so it wasn't exactly mean, but I did make a little poke at him being stupid. I kinda took the high road, but I responded so I guess I didn't.
     
    Him: "Look I'm dealing with a very upset friend. I won't do anything. I'm so sorry about w/e happened, but some word needed to be communicated to David. I hope ur okay but I don't see how not even a 'shit happened, can't talk for a while' couldn't have been sent to David, or me or Lance or anyone."
     
    Me: "Actually I did communicate that a while back and asked him to let me finish school. He didn't and I wanted it to work so I let things start again. Then as you say, 'shit happened' and I snapped. I couldn't say anything that would make things better so I didn't. I walked away to save whatever part of me that wasn't f**ked up, left. I knew it had the potential to hurt, but my mind went into survival mode. Fight or flight kicked in. I'm not one to just leave without an explanation and would have come around to talk about it, and then you threatened me. So if this is what you wanted, then there you go. A vague explanation that won't help the situation between us, but will only cause me to be more f**ked up. So thank you."
     
    Most of that is true, and while I really would have liked to explain things to David eventually, I couldn't do it just yet. And this little f**ker trying to threaten me didn't help in the least. It only made it worse. I know David didn't put him up to it because that's not the kind of person he is, but even so, in the back of my mind I'm still slightly blaming him because this particular friend has never liked me to begin with because he's in love with David.
     
    He just responded with the following:
     
    Him: "Joe i defended u since u disappeared but after this long with no contact I couldn't anymore. I figured the situation with u was exactly as u are telling me now. I understand why u did what u did, I never didn't. But the complete cut off communication-wise just isn't okay. Again, I hope ur okay."
     
    So he can understand why I did what I did, yet it's not alright. And he goes from threatening to "f**k me up" to "hoping I'm okay". I really think the first message was just to provoke me into talking, which it worked because I'm not the type of person to take a threat, even if I do laugh at the person it's coming from, without saying anything in return. So I think I'm going to do the smart thing and just stop talking to him again because he turned my rather good night of hanging out with an old friend into a ranting one that's leaving me exhausted and wishing he would try something on me just so I could punch him in the face. I may be non-violent and non-confrontational, but if someone else is going to start the fight, then you better believe that I'm going to defend myself. And if I get in a few punches against a f**ker that annoys the hell out of me, then there's nothing wrong with that.
     
     
    That feels better
     
    Joe
  10. JSmith
    Time for another blog! Woo!
     
    Nothing really too important to say except to tell those that haven’t already heard, that I’m a vegetarian for the summer. Yeah, weird right? I’m going to start out with the summer and see if I can do it, and if it’s not that big of a pain in the ass, I’ll see how long I can keep it up until I fall off the bandwagon and devour a cow.
     
    This is day 11 without meat for me. Not really a milestone by any means, but I haven’t had much trouble to be honest. I’m not craving it or anything even when I’m working around it constantly, so I’m taking that as a good sign. Granted, I do crave chicken nuggets when Michelle so politely eats 20 of them in my car while I’m starving, but other than that, I’m fine.
     
    And before anyone else asks me, yes… fish is meat too. I’m not eating any animals damn it! I don’t care what the Catholics say! I’m not on a ‘no-red-meat diet’ or any of that crap, so chicken and fish count! Which really does suck because I can’t eat sushi anymore =( But oh well.
     
    -------
    Yeah so my dog ate 6 of my donuts this morning. I had 7 left when I went to work. They were in a box in my room on my shelf. When I came home, I let him inside, grabbed something out of my room and went back out to my car to fix my subs. This took about 3 minutes. In that time, I came back inside, the box was on the floor, void of any donuts. When I went looking for the little f**ker, there was one donut left, uneaten, at the bottom of the stairs. Next to a pile of shit. Apparently, he ate six of them, got full, took a shit, then left the 7th one as a gift to me. All in under 3 minutes.
     
    f**king dogs.
    -------
     
    In other news... that guy I mentioned last blog? Yeah, ignore that. Didn't work out like I planned and I broke it off once, but in my quest to put him down easy, I left an opening for us to get back together. It wasn't until after I said my whole speech that I realized I'm giving him an excuse to keep talking to me and eventually have him ask me out again. Which he did. And me being the idiot I am, couldn't say no. So we're back together, but technically not 'official' because I refused to say the magic words and specifically ask him to be my boyfriend. Which irritates the hell out of me because at the time I pretty much considered us together and a couple, so I didn't think the words needed to be said. But now, I guess it could be a blessing because I can't really add him to my list of ex-boyfriends. It's his fault I can still tell everyone I'm single, even though it feels like I'm not.
     
    But I'm still stuck in this 'relationship' I guess you could call it because I'm either too nice to dump him, or I'm too much of a coward to do so. I don't like the idea of being single, but it's frustrating that I would have to work so hard for things with us to work when I don't really feel that much of a spark between us. I don't really want to rag on him because he really is a nice guy, but he's not the type of guy I'm looking for. He's too clingy sometimes and fell too hard too fast for me. It was 3 weeks when I tried to break it off the first time and he pulled the "but that's the Joe I fell in love with" card and I got even more freaked out. I've been there, done that. I can't handle someone like that. He has too much time on his hands and doesn't understand that I have a full-time job, full-time school, GA, and I have other friends that I want to be with and it's hard enough to find time alone as it is. And when he's sitting there bugging me to drive my happy ass out to Forth Worth every spare chance I get, I can't handle it.
     
    So I know it's not going to work out with us, and I'm trying to distance myself from him by slightly ignoring him. He doesn't have a cellphone so that helps and prevents him from texting me. I disabled the AIM forwarding to my phone, but he can still send me messages through it periodically. I didn't talk to him all day yesterday except a few minutes at night before I went to bed, and then I haven't responded to any of his messages or phone calls today, so I'm hoping he gets the message. But I know he won't. He won't give up, and it frustrates the hell out of me that some people can't take a hint that they're being let down easy. I can't do a harsh breakup. It's just not in me to say the words. I choke up and swallow them. And I can't exactly say this in person to him because he doesn't have a car and can't meet me anywhere to talk. So I'd have to drive to his house, break it off, then drive back home. And it's damn near 30 minutes away from me and I'm broke enough as it is without having to pay for gas there and back. I don't want to do it over the phone or over AIM, but I don't really have any other choice. If he doesn't get the hint soon enough, then it'll be tough shit and I'll have to force myself to get over it and just tell him to f**k off.
     
    After all that, my question to anyone reading this is... how would you suggest I go about breaking it off? He can't exactly just pop over to my house. Granted, he can have his friends drive him over, but there's a good chance I won't be at home anyways. And he does know where I work, so if I just stop talking to him altogether, then it'll be pretty easy for him to track me down and give me hell.
     
    Help? Anyone?
  11. JSmith

    Still waiting...

    By JSmith,

    So I'm sitting in the hotel room waiting for Michelle to wake her ass up. I told her I'd let her sleep in today but it's already almost 10. I've been up since 8 and walked around the city for an hour and a half. I came back expecting her to be awake and ready to go do stuff, but she's snoring like a chainsaw on concrete. My one vacation and she's sleeping it away! Of course, I could just say f**k it and wake her ass up, but then I have to deal with her moody shit all morning until I feed her. She's going to read this later and beat me for it, but it was worth it
     
    So we got in Thursday morning around 8am. Turns out a friend from Dallas (named Josh that's probably in one of my early early blogs) was on the same flight here and we're all on the same flight back. It was kind of awkward to see him, but we gave each other our numbers and said we'd hang out once while we were here. I'm kind of doubting that will actually happen because he's pretty flaky when it comes to things like that, but we'll see. I used to have a huge thing for him and he's pretty hot, but I don't think I'd actually do anything with him at this point.
     
    Anyways, Thursday we spent the day randomly exploring the city. We got bus passes for the week but we ended up walking everywhere instead. I had a blast but Michelle started bitching from the walking We hit the usual hotspots of Pier 39 and Fisherman's Wharf and eventually wound up back at the hotel around 3. Neither one of us had slept the night before and I didn't sleep the night before that so I was going on the 3 hours of sleep I got on the plane. We took a 'nap' that lasted about 5 hours, got up and ate dinner, then went back to sleep. Wasted most of the first day of our vacation, but it was still worth it. It gave us the energy for the next day.
     
    Friday we went to Alcatraz and walked around for a good hour and a half or two hours. Apparently we didn't go the right way when we walked in so we didn't do the audio tour. We just explored the island instead. After that we went to Ghiradelli and some pizza place, then did a little bit of shopping (and by a little bit I mean 2 stores so it doesn't really count!). Dan and Robert came in town while we were walking around and ended up meeting them near Broadway, which is where all the titty bars are. I think I got winked at by a prostitute, but I don't know if it was a man or a woman. Or both. After they picked us up, we went to watch the sunset over the Pacific and it was absolutely amazing. That was probably the highlight of my trip so far. And Michelle's too since she got to see a midget with a beard in the Russian district. We ate dinner at the Sausage Factory in the Castro district which was good. The desert was better, but Robert and Michelle kept laughing at me
     
    Then we came back to the hotel, went to bed, and here I am posting this while Michelle is still sleeping. I'll give her another 15 minutes or so before I wake her happy as up and probably get beat for it. I posted one picture in the Show Me thread, but I'll post a few more here. I think my MySpace is public so if you guys find it, there's plenty more on there.
     

     

     

     

     

     

  13. JSmith
    So I’m in a random good mood and decided to blog about it. Less bitching this time around, I promise! Well… I think so anyways.
     
    California is in 2 weeks! 13 days and 6 hours until my flight leaves to be exact I honestly can’t wait that long. I want to go now and these last 2 weeks are going to drag by so slow. Every time I hear certain songs on the radio, it reminds me of it and I can’t get it out of my mind for a while. It’s irritating! Once I step on that plane though, all will be well in the world and I’ll be the happiest I’ve been in a long ass time. Coming back will suck though. I feel sorry for Michelle. She’ll have to sit next to me on a plane for 4 hours will I sulk and hate the world again haha. We still don’t know exactly what we’re going to do, but I figure if we plan it all out now, I’ll get even more excited and it’ll take even longer to get there. If only Viv was coming so I wouldn’t have to do any of the planning!
     
    Work is the only thing keeping me busy enough right now to keep me sane. Some of my co-workers are freaking amazing and so much fun! The others kinda suck, but the good ones out-weigh the sucky ones haha. The good news is, I’ve been getting faster at closing and it never takes me more than half an hour no matter what I’m closing (usually). The bad news is that it’s killing my hours. If I was as slow as some of the other people, I’d have a hell of a lot more hours, but I can’t be lazy like that. If I’m not doing something then I get annoyed/annoying lol. I don’t know if I said this before, but I got the first Employee of the month thing that they gave out. I would have like to get a raise out of it, but a free dinner and T-Shirt works too I guess…
     
    My room and car are a mess. I’ve been lazy lately and haven’t really been wanting to clean anything outside of work so I’ve let them get pretty cluttered and full of random crap. I should blame Michelle for always wanting to do something when I actually do have the time, but I’m the one that keeps suggesting we go bowling haha. Speaking of, I beat my record and made a 175 the other day! I haven’t been able to repeat that, so it was probably luck, but I still got it!
     
    Oh… to all of you people who are on Spring Break… f**k You! I’m stuck in class from 8-12 Monday-Thursday while y’all are out having fun. Or more likely sleeping. So bite me. We had our ‘Spring Break’ a couple weeks ago when everyone else was finishing up their terms so I didn’t really get to have fun on mine. But I guess I shouldn’t complain too much. I talked to my counselor today, and she told me I was going to be the valedictorian for my class. We’re getting our Associates at the end of the term before we get our Bachelors in 2 years, and apparently I’m graduating with a bunch of f**king idiots. I honestly would not have expected to get this. My GPA isn’t that great (to me at least) so I guess Northwood people are a bunch of idiots. Which doesn’t really surprise me, but still. I’m just hoping to get some extra money and scholarships out of it. It’d be nice not having to keep getting student loans every year.
     
    Juanita is fixed!!! Juanita is my Explorer for those who don’t know. She died on me on the way to work one day. Then Ford said they fixed her, but as I was driving home from the dealership, she died again. And I waited about an hour for a tow truck to come get me when I was 6 miles down the road. Then they wanted to charge me $2,500+ to fix her the right way this time. I told them to shove it. Took her to a place in Fort Worth and got her fixed up for around $300. So I’m happy now. She’s been running like a beast even with 95,000 miles on her. Doesn’t look a mile over 20,000 though Gotta love how the Explorers don’t change designs often.
     
    One bad thing though is that everyone keeps telling me I’m getting fatter. It’s annoying! I walked from the Ford dealership to work when Juanita died, and Kris told me it was good for me because I needed the exercise! And Michelle keeps calling me a fat f**k every time I eat something! And Mason said I put on a little weight. And then Tree’s scale confirmed it all by telling me I gained 15 pounds in the last few months. Well fine. Screw you guys, I’m going home! Well… I am home, but it’s not nice to point out that someone is gaining weight! And I think a lot of it is going to my ass… which is kinda good since they all said I didn’t have one before.
     
    Now I’m hungry. Damn.
     
    That’s enough rambling for the night so I’m going to stop there.
     
    WOO!
     
    Joe
  14. JSmith
    Two blog entries in the same month? No way! But this one is short.
     
    Ever have one of those nights where you're laying in bed at 1:30 watching CSI and it's a creepy part when someone starts tapping on your window? So you pause the show thinking it was just your mind, but the tapping happens again. Then you can't turn the light on so you throw clothes on and open the door to pitch black and all you see is someone standing there crying. No? Well it happened to me...
     
    Turns out it was my general manager. She and he husband got into a huge fight ending with her throwing her ring at him and leaving. She ended up at my house so I let her sleep in my bed after we talked for a while.
     
    Couldn't really sleep that well and we both had to open the store together, so she went to Target to get some clothes to wear while I went to open alone. I've never opened before so I was clueless on what the f**k to do. But I opened everything perfectly by myself and still had time to spare The rest of the day just flew by and here I am now. Running on caffeine with a sore left ass (from bowling, nothing fun...) and a killer back ache.
     
    What a wonderful Valentine's Day so far.
     
    But I did get a free shirt from work And a cookie.
     
    Joe
  15. JSmith

    It's a long one...

    By JSmith,

    Alright so I haven’t blogged since November and I’ve really been meaning to, I just haven’t found the time. I’m going to end up rambling on and on here so feel free to skip it all
     
    I’ll start with all the things that have been causing me to be overly stressed lately. Which in all honesty is a lot of crap and I’m probably on the verge of having an anxiety attack, but f**k it. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger I guess.
     
    School has been alright, nothing major, but we’re nearing finals again and all of these projects and presentations are coming up that I haven’t started on. Yeah I know, I procrastinated so it’s my own damn fault, but who the hell does a project right away when they have 10 weeks to do it? I’ve got 2 papers to write, and a presentation tomorrow morning that I’m not prepared to give, so I could be shooting myself in the foot, but other than that my classes have been pretty easy and I’ve been making good grades.
     
    Work is killing me. I have a lot more of an open availability than most of the people I work with so I get shafted with all the shitty split shifts. Like tomorrow, I’m working 11 to 2 and 5 to 9. While I like getting 7 hours in one work day, it sucks that I have a three hour gap in there. It’s not enough time to really do anything, and it takes up both my morning and night so it’s killing my social life. I don’t have time to hang out with basically anyone anymore and it’s really getting irritating for me. Other than my schedule, I got a promotion at work. Yeah exciting right? Not really. They just gave me a shitload more to do, and then took over a month to give me a raise. And what was my raise? A whopping $0.50. Hell yes! I can splurge on shit now! I don’t blame my manager too much because I love her to death, but I blame the company for being a bunch of overbearing assholes that force them to lower their labor to ridiculous standards and screw the rest of us over. The only good thing they’ve done recently is get rid of one of the creepy managers that hit on any girl that moved, jailbait or not. It was disturbing.
     
    Let me just apologize to Mark Arbour for not getting his website done yet. I should have had it done by now and I even had a timeline that I was going to follow to assure it was done by a certain date. Well I failed that. I started it, but haven’t had a chance to work on it. I spent all day Friday in bed. Gave up 8 hours worth of shifts and went home because I was sick. Fever, vomiting, aching muscles, headache, the whole shot. I looked like hell but felt so much worse. Saturday I was feeling better so Michelle and I took a trip (more on that later) and I thought I was better. I just had a sore throat and stuffy head. I went in to work this morning and couldn’t make it longer than 2 hours without leaving. The fever came back and I was getting dizzy so I just came home to work on some of my projects and take a nap. I’ve been sick on and off lately and it’s taking its toll on me now. Granted, I haven’t gone to the doctor for anything so I guess that’s my own fault. Nothing really gets kicked out of my system, the symptoms just fade. Anyways…
     
    On to the juicy stuff I guess. I know a few of you have caught word or guys I was talking to now and then, but never really got the full story. Well, none of the guys I’ve talked to are really worth mentioning. They either tend to just stop talking to me, or we mutually decide to stop talking and it never goes anywhere. It’s starting to suck since it’s been a while that I’ve been single and I absolutely hate not having someone to cuddle with, but it’s not like I’m not trying. I just get stuck with a bunch of shitty guys. I would blame that on me usually, but recent events make me think that maybe I wasn’t such a bad boyfriend after all.
     
    Mason and I started talking a few weeks ago. Just random stuff usually. Asking how each other’s day went and what was going on in our lives, nothing major. We even took it a step further and went to a movie once. I took it all as a good sign. We were really trying to be friends and weren’t letting our past f**k it up too much. Well that changed about an hour ago. He told me he still cares about me and can’t talk to me anymore until he’s completely over me. Well f**k. There goes all the effort we put into it. It’s not that I blame him, because I still have feelings for him, but I’m just annoyed that he keeps doing this. He’ll cut all contact with me for a couple days, and then start talking to me again like he didn’t just say he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Make up your damn mind! I’m sick of people playing f**king mind games with me lately. As if my head’s not f**ked up enough as it is, these people just try and screw with me even more. Honestly, it’s his decision whether or not he wants to talk to me. I told him I wasn’t completely over him, so the ball is in his court. He knows that I haven’t been with anyone new since we broke up and that I’ve been an emotional wreck and lonely as hell. If he still wants to ignore me and pretend like I don’t exist, then by all means, delete my f**king number and stop texting me then so I can move on with my life.
     
    But do my ex problems stop there? Of course not. Now I have the psychotic ex before Mason talking to me again. I haven’t talked to him in almost a year and a half probably and he randomly sends me a text asking me out on a date now that I’m single. CJ’s the one that said he was in love with me after only a few days and wanted me to move in after a couple weeks. He was extremely paranoid about where I was and always needed to be near me when I wasn’t at work. He really was insane so I broke up with him and never looked back. Unlike with Mason, I don’t still have feelings for him. So now he’s been harassing me and blowing up my phone begging me to see him. He even offered to come to my work before I had to go in just so he could bring me breakfast. Normally, I would find that incredibly sweet, but not from someone who I know I don’t like. I haven’t told him to f**k off yet, but like I’ve told Viv, I’m just not the type of person that can let someone down hard like that. I have to do it easy otherwise I feel like a complete ass. Either way they usually think I’m an ass, but at least I feel better about myself when I do it my way.
     
    I could go on bitching about boys, but then so can just about everyone so I’ll move on…
     
    Michelle and I went to Huntsville to visit her lover in prison. That was kinda fun. The drive wasn’t too bad. Only about two and a half hours. Jimmy’s cool. He seems like a good kid, so I approve of him Michelle. Before we could get in to see him I got pat searched by a huge old guy. Let’s just say he knows damn well I wasn’t hiding anything. His hands follow my body all over and way up the legs. It was the most action I’ve gotten in a while so I won’t complain too much, but damn he must have liked me. After prison, we took a stop down in Houston since it was only another hour or so south. We just walked around for a while, went to a bookstore, and then hit up a Freebirds and Jamba Juice. We were going to meet up with Kevin (AfriendlyFace) that night, but we had to get back home and it was a 3.5-4 hour drive so we left a little earlier than expected and didn’t get the chance. It was fun though so we’re planning on going back. Then Kevin can show us around and we can hang out with him!
     
    Well, safe to say that I’ve spoken more than my fair share tonight and I’ve still got that presentation and shit to do so I’ll leave you all to your own devices. No more reading about my drama for now
     
     
    Joe
    Who can’t wait for all this shit to be over.
     
     
    P.S. Greg told me to add this:
    http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images0...1982b26a02c.jpg
  16. JSmith
    Alright so because I didn’t explain it before and I’m sick of people bugging me about it, I figure I’ll post what happened here so you can all get your fill and stop asking me. Part of me didn’t want to post something like this because it had the potential to be somewhat negative and I was trying to stay positive about the whole situation. Well f**K that. I’m pissed so here goes nothing.
     
    I’ll start by posting the letter I wrote to him making it official that we broke up. This isn’t word for word because I changed some of it, but you’ll get the main points.
     
    I’ve never had to do this before so I’m sorry if it turns out bad, but it’s hard for me. Earlier today I had so many reasons why we shouldn’t be together, but when I’m sitting next to you, I just forget everything. You have that effect on me because I still do love you, but that love has been starting to fade.
     
    I’ve been trying to stay positive and think that it can all work out with us, and maybe it could, but I’m not in the right state of mind to do it. I need professional help because I can’t do this myself, and it’s not fair for me to ask you to put your life on hold while I try and fix mine. It’s not going to be quick, and I’ll probably get much worse before I get better, but I know I won’t be able to handle any type of relationship while I’m doing it.
     
    Words cannot express how deeply sorry I am. I never intended to hurt you, and it kills me even more to know that I am. I didn’t want to lead you on, but like you said, depression doesn’t fade quickly. When you grabbed my hand and started holding me, everything felt better at the time, but I knew it really wasn’t.
     
    You have every right to hate me and never talk to me again, but I truly hope you don’t. I do want to be friends with you. You’ve been such an important influence on me and I don’t want to lose that. I know it’ll take time for both of us to heal, but I’m willing to wait for that friendship. If you don’t think it’s possible, I’ll respect that too. I want what’s best for you even if it doesn’t seem like it.
     
    You’re an amazing guy and deserve someone just as great, not someone who’s on the verge of hitting rock bottom. I want you to move on so you can be happy with your life. The longer you hold on to me, the more it will hurt later on.
     
    I’m sorry I had to write this in a letter, but I’m not good with words. Call me a pussy, or an inconsiderate, full-of-shit jackass, but I’m not able to do this around you because it hurts so much. Forgive me if I drop this off and go, but staying would just make things worse. We’ve found that out already. I have trouble expressing my emotions, and it’s something I need to fix, but I’m not going to drag you down with me while I do it.
     
    No matter what you might be thinking about me right now, I do love you and I always will. You have a special place in my heart, but I need to do this for me. I’m sorry, Mason.
     
    You know what I got in response to that letter? Nothing. Not one word.
     
    Basically it was a selfish reason to break up. With the stress that I’ve been under from school, work, family, friends, and our relationship, I was starting to crack. I was in a deep depression that I couldn’t work myself out of. I needed to do something to help myself before I did something I would regret. Without all the boring details, I moved back in with my brother and sister, cut back on some hours at work, and tried to patch things up with my mom. Too early to tell if it’s helping, but we’ll see.
     
    When I was on my way to class this morning it was 40 outside. Tad bit chilly. I couldn’t find my nice jacket that I always wore, so I sent Mason a text asking him if he had it. Mistake #1 for me. I knew he had it because it was in his car the day we broke up. He flat out lies to me and says he doesn’t have it. I confront him about it and just say “It was in your car…”. Mistake #2 for me. I get the following in return.
     
    “Ok. Jacket for Xbox.” He was referring to the Xbox he got me for my birthday. Which in all honesty, I would have given him, but I was about to start a final exam and needed a few minutes to look over my notes (which I didn’t have time to do) and couldn’t respond right away. Apparently he thought this was a no and went off on me. “Or better yet jacket for 9 months of wasted life. You would hit me up for some material bullshit. Prick.” I should have just left it alone at that and walked away, but I didn’t. Mistake #3 for me.
     
    Still trying to be nice about things, I said “Sorry you felt the 9 months were wasted because they weren’t for me”. I guess I didn’t get the memo saying that no matter what I said, I would still be looking like an ass. His response: “Well I’m glad I made a good stepping stone for you”. Let’s just say it went downhill from there. I completely lost it and started going off on him while at the same time confiding in him. I told him something that I haven’t told another person. Mistake #4 for me. I haven’t told my parents, siblings, or even my best friend. Instead of being the bigger person, he threw what I had to say back in my face and called me a cowardly and disrespectful.
     
    I finally made the right decision and sent this: “I’m done. I really do wish you the best of luck in life. I know you’ll go far and I’m sorry I can’t be part of it but you’ve made that clear so far. Good luck and good by Mason.” Never got a response from that.
     
    So I get paid today. I was going to check my balance to see what I had in there before I got paid. Turns out I’m $150 over drafted now. I gave him a check for his mom for $200 at the beginning of October for rent. Apparently they decided yesterday was a good day to cash it. I assumed it had already gone through and didn’t plan my budgeting around it. Mistake #5 for me. I’m a f**king dumbass I guess. Now I have absolutely no money in my account, my check will cover the overdraft and fees, but not much more than that. This means I’m screwed for the next 2 weeks.
     
    On the ‘bright side’, my student loan hasn’t gone through yet. I have to pay by 5:00 today or I’m not going to be going to Northwood next term. I guess some time off would be good, but that totally f**ks me over overall. There’s no way I can get the money in time, and I don’t know if it’s Citi’s fault or Northwood’s (most likely NU), but it doesn’t look good for me right now.
     
    I had planned on saving some money and driving back up to Missouri to my parent’s house with my brother and sister for Thanksgiving. Today’s events completely f**K me over for that so I’ll most likely be at home alone on Thanksgiving. I guess that’s a step up from last year when I was working a 12 hour shift on Thanksgiving Day.
     
    Speaking of long shifts, I now have a Sunday shift that starts at 11:00am and doesn’t end until midnight or later. And because there’s only a few of us closing that night, I’ll most likely have to close an area by myself again because the managers all seem to take advantage of the fact that I’m the only one that’s not a dumbass and is able to do it the right way, by myself, and not be there until 3am. Of course even when I do twice the amount of work (when we usually have 2 people closing that area and I’m doing it alone) I’m still getting paid the same, or less than some of the others working. Which is fine because we all started at the same time and it’s been less than 2 months, but when I specifically come to you and ask you for the most possible hours I can get (which used to be overtime scheduling, but now it’s right at 40) and you give me 33 while people that started one week ago are making 39 hours, that’s what pisses me off. Not being scheduled for overtime is one thing, but when new employees have a higher standing than I do when it comes to getting hours, I get a little bit pissed off.
     
    Add to all of this that I’ve lost 15% of my bodyweight in the last 2-3 months, I’ve been physically ill on and off and it’s starting to take a toll on me. My body hates me, that’s for damn sure. I rarely eat enough, and even on the off chance that I do eat enough, it never has the nutrients I need. My body has been living on caffeine and ibuprofen for a while now though so it’s starting to get used to it at least. I can stay up for 20 hours without hesitation now. Usually 4 hours is good enough sleep to make it through the day.
     
    Mistake #6 for me. I just responded to another text he sent me calling me an immature prick. In a nice way though. He said he wanted to be on good terms, but then added the part about “just wanting to let me know” that I’m a dumbass. Thanks. Appreciate that one, but I think it’s a little late to be on good terms with him right now. My blood pressure is through the roof and my mind doesn’t know what to do.
     
    Score one for me though. I turned off my phone for now. So if any of you are thinking about texting or calling me… don’t.
     
    It’s time for me to go find something to do to take my mind off all this before I have to go into work and start snapping at people (employees and customers) for being absolutely retarded.
     
    Final Score:
    Dumbass: 6 Joe: 1
     
    Joe
     
    P.S. Just in case you didn’t get the context, the song the title of my blog is referring to is The Reason by Hoobastank. I’ll leave the lyrics in a comment below.
  18. JSmith

    Been A While...

    By JSmith,

    Yeah so I last posted in May, and it's now September. Usually I go a month without blogging, but it's been 4 now so I figured I'd give it a whirl. Don't know how long it'll be this time, but I know a lot has happened recently and some of you thought I fell off the face of the Earth...
     
    So I just got off work. I quit my last job on Sunday because they were morons and would never give me hours because the month was slow there. No matter what anyone tells you, unless you're working at a higher-end restaurant or you have a big section with a lot of tables, you really don't make that much. Salt Grass sucks about that. You usually get a section of like 3 tables, and unless you get some really nice people, your tips suck ass! People come into a Steak House and order a salad. A f**king salad! I don't care if you're a vegetarian or not... unless you're coming to eat a nice big fatass piece of red meat, don't go there! The salads aren't that great anyways. Anyways to make a long story short, I got another job at a new place called FreeBirds and quit Salt Grass.
     
    For those of you that don't know, FreeBirds is a burrito place (like Chipotle, but better!) that's actually a lot of fun. You get to wear whatever you want as long as you have a FreeBirds hat on. The atmosphere is really crazy and fun, and they promote peace and freedom and all this crap. While I don't really care so much about all that, it's still an awesome place. If you have one around you, then go! We don't officially open until Monday, but we have two 'parties' tomorrow where people can come in and eat for free and we get the practice. Unfortunately, I have to work both f**king parties instead of just the one I was scheduled for. Class from 8:00-11:30 and then work from 12:00-10:00. But hopefully it won't be too bad. One of the training managers there is a big flamer and I'm pretty sure he hits on me, but in a joking way. So I'm a smartass to him and it all works out. Plus, I got to break a 1 inch board with my fist today ninja-style! Kinda fun, but hurt like hell!!
     
    Just signed a lease for an apartment with Mason today. We move in next week so that's all moving really fast, but it's a nice apartment and we got a good deal on it so we had to do it. Things are going good with us... no real major problems. Just the usual crap that all couples go through now and then. He has his little quarks that I put up with and ignore for the most part, and I know I do shit that annoys the crap out of him, but we're still going strong
     
    Pretty sure I should be on some form of anti-depressants. In the last couple months I've lost about 15 pounds so I’m hovering around 139 right now. I've just had so much shit going on, and some of it absolutely miserable and I haven't had any appetite or the energy/will to do much of anything. When working at Salt Grass I would have a lot of time off and I used it to do absolutely nothing. I took a leave from GA for a while to get things sorted out, but I never really did. I had a lot of crap that I wanted to do, but never got around to it. I'd either sleep, or sit on my ass and watch TV. Now with school and a full-time job, I have even less time, but seem to get more done. I've been perking up the last week or so since I started FreeBirds and it's a lot of fun, but today I just completely crashed and almost had a melt-down.
     
    I haven't told my mom I'm moving out yet, haven't told her I have a boyfriend (that's a no-no topic around her), and I don't really know how to break it all to her. I thought about calling her and telling her, but I honestly don't think I would be able to hold myself together. I know she'll start crying and either hang up on me or not say anything, and then I'll feel like even more shit for doing anything to begin with, so I decided to write her an email. I started it earlier and had Viv take a look at it before I left for work. Haven't sent it yet. Don't know when I will, but it needs to be done. I'm not ready to be fully on my own yet, I know that for sure, but I can't sit here and live the life my parents want me to live. I've been doing it for too long now and need to take the steps out on my own. My brother is a lazy ass and will live under my parents as long as he can. My sister can probably do the same thing I'm doing and start taking steps to get out on her own, but I don't really care. I might be the youngest of the three, but I'm not going to sit here and live a life that's not me for too much longer. Yeah I still need help and wouldn't be able to make it completely on my own, but give me a year or two and I should be able to.
     
    Enough of the sappy crap... school's going well for now. I have 3 classes with my favorite Professor, and they're awesome. He's an amazing teacher and really makes sure you understand everything. My programming class is a bore, mostly because I don't pay attention and haven't done a damn thing in there. It's only one day a week on Fridays for 4 hours, so there's not really much she teaches us. It's mostly out of a book (which I have yet to really open ). Then the last class I have is a complete joke. It's a statistics class where we take reading quizzes over the chapters in the book. The guy can't teach a rock how to sink in the ocean for f**ks sake! He'd probably throw it and have it float on top. It's horrible! But, it's an easy A so I shouldn't really bitch. I just can't stay interested enough when he takes 15 minutes to take the roll... of 30 people! Northwood professors are either hit or miss. They're either amazing or shitty. It sucks, but I have to deal with it for a little while longer.
     
    I had a lot more I wanted to say in this, but Mason was talking to me and I got distracted and forgot what else I wanted to get off my chest. Just a few random thoughts:
     
    I need a haircut. It's long again and bugging the shit out of me, so I've been wearing a hat all day so I don't have to do my hair Laziness at its best!
     
    I had to put a tow bar on the back of my car so people would stop rear-ending me. Twice within a week. Both were when I was at a dead stop, neither of which my fault, but there was never damage to my car so nothing major. I just got annoyed so I figured the next time some dickhead hit me, I'm hoping the 8 inches sticking out the back cracks their radiator.
     
    Laundry sucks. Mason's been living with me for the past month or so, so now there's double to do. I'm lazy and only like to do 2 loads max, but I don't have time to get to it and end up having like 5. Bah! Make bigger washers you f**kers!
     
    My back hurts and I really need to go to the chiropractor, but I can't afford it. It's completely out of alignment and it's just getting worse, but there's nothing I can do about it for now. Another reason I'm not really eating much is because I haven't really had the money to do so. That should change now that I have a decent job, but we'll see if my eating habits change at all.
     
    My hamster is fat. My sister's friend gave him to me, so I didn't really want one, and don't pay attention to him (which I probably need to feed him soon... meh) so he never gets to run. He just sleeps all day. I just put a wheel on his cage so he can run, but he likes to run at night when I'm trying to sleep so I put a rubber band around it so he can't. Call me an ass, but I need sleep damn it!
     
    I spent the last two weeks watching Season 1, 3, and 4 of House and can't wait for this season. Really excited about it! I missed the first episode, but I'll catch it sooner or later. Plus, Heroes is starting up again soon, hopefully Grays Anatomy, Dexter (WOO!) and whatever else I'm forgetting. Burn Notice and Eureka have been keeping me entertained, but I'm really looking forward to the fall season.
     
    OH! OH! Sunday you all better be cheering on the Packers. They're playing the Cowboys at Lambeau Field. Usually when the Packers and Cowboys play, the home team wins, so I'm hoping that's the way it goes again, but we're missing Favre (don't even get me started on that!) this time so we'll see.
     
    Like I said on Viv's blog, I think Palin is a complete nut. I despise her with a passion, but I have yet to decide who I'm going to vote for. Honestly it's a lose-lose situation when you look at it, but we'll see. I think October 2nd is the VP debates, which I'm looking forward to Palin getting her ass kicked!
     
     
    Well, I've rambled on long enough and I think Mason is annoyed that I'm still typing so I'll shut up and go cuddle and grab some sleep.
     
    Peace, Love, and Joy!
     
    Hah, yeah right… f**K y’all.
     
     
     
     
    Just kidding of course
     
    Joe
    (Who went on for 1,724 words. Oops!)
  19. JSmith

    Complete HELL

    By JSmith,

    I posted this last night but it wasn't working so I'm posting it now
     
    I can tell you from the start that this entire blog is going to be nothing but bitching. So if you really don't want to hear me complain and sound like a little bitch, then leave. Other than that, by all means, please do enjoy
     
    So let's start with CJ since that was just a couple minutes ago. I'm sick of reading one chapter every week. He always leaves the things on a cliffhanger and leaves you sitting there for a week twiddling your thumbs waiting for a new one. Well bite me CJ, because I'm not doing it anymore! I'm boycotting until you finish the damn thing or at least you don't leave it on a cliffhanger! Not that it matters to him since I'm usually bugging him about getting the next chapter anyways so it's probably not an effective strategy. Oh well.
     
    OH! The one piece of good news is that I did pretty well bowling tonight. The third game at least. Still sucked, but good enough for me! On to all the shit...
     
    I got two tickets in three days. Yes, TWO. One of them was a bullshit ticket, and the other one I'm just pissed about because it was the second one in three days. The first ticket I got because I made my own off-ramp from the highway to the access road That cop was a dick though. He said about 10 words to me total and that was it. Walked up and said "I need your license and proof of insurance." I gave it to him without saying a word and he walked away. 30 minutes later of Michelle and I talking about how to get out of the ticket and the f**ker comes back. "You're receiving a citation for driving from a controlled access highway where prohibited." and then did the whole "This is not an admission of guilt" thing and gave me the ticket and walked away. Throughout all of this I didn't say a word to him because he was a dick to me and I didn't trust what I might have said to the bastard. I didn't want to end up in jail.
     
    BUT, I'm almost positive I can get out of that ticket. First of all, the cops in this city are lazy and tend not to show up for court dates. They take 5 months to set one up and by that time they can't remember what happened anyways. So if he doesn't show up, the ticket is dismissed and I go home happy. If he DOES show up, I might be able to get off on a couple technicalities. He spelled my last name wrong, scribbled it out and wrote the write one, marked two different counties, Dallas and Tarrant, and then scribbled out Tarrant and I don't even know what his name was. He never identified himself and he scribbled on the paper as his signature. However, if that doesn't work, I have spent over 23 hours sitting in the waiting room of Just Brakes during the last month getting my brakes fixed over and over again. When I hit the brakes hard, the wheel turns over 90 degrees to the left or right. Well I hit the brakes hard because the person in front of me did and I ended up in the grass on the edge of the road. Well it had rained and it was muddy still and because it was on a hill, my truck doesn't have the traction to back up so I had no choice but to make my own off-ramp or else I would have to stop the flow of traffic and have someone pull me out.
     
    THEN, two days later (last night) I got a speeding ticket. I was surprised because I was only going 75 instead of my usual 85+, but the f**ker got me with LADAR before I could see him. I think he was bullshitting with the 75 though. It takes a couple seconds for the laser to lock on a speed and my radar detector went off and I slammed the brakes quick enough that I don't think he locked it at 75. Of course I didn't want to ask to see it because I'm a chicken shit and didn't feel like pissing him off.
     
    I have two finals tomorrow, one of which is total bullshit and is going to suck. The other SHOULD be easy, but we'll see how that goes. I don't plan on studying for it so it could go absolutely horrible, but shit happens. If I get an A in the course I'll be happy and won't bitch. If I don't get an A I'll go yell at the professor until he gives me one.
     
    I had a final project in programming. It was a group project, but it's hard to do a programming group project when the rest of the class (all 6 of them) is stupid. So I ended up doing the entire project in about 2 hours when we had 2 weeks to do it. The program was flawless and all the flowcharts and specification reports were good too. I even wrote most of the code for the OTHER team too since they were falling behind and didn't know what to do. But does that get me the 100 that I deserved? Of course not. She HATES giving 100's so she found some stupid little thing to take off 3 points of my grade. I named a block of code "collectRow()" and she took off the 3 points because she said that name doesn't give an accurate description of what the robot does. Well I'll be damned if that code doesn't make the robot collect a row of dots. To keep the names simple and under the character limit restrictions, I figured it was an accurate description. Apparently not. But that doesn't matter. I commented almost every line of code on the damn thing to make sure anyone reading it would know what each line did. Even further, there were flowcharts for EVERY block of code explaining the process of the command and how it worked and the ifs and loops it used. So my description wasn't accurate enough? Bite me. Those 3 points dropped my final grade from a 99.83 to a 99.28. From a 100 to a 99. Honestly it doesn't mean much to me, but it still pisses me off that I do the entire project and half the other group’s project, and she takes off 3 points because she doesn't want to give a 100.
     
    My stupid hamster escaped the other day. He tore a hole in the top of the cage and got loose in my room. My door was closed so I didn't think the dogs ate him, but if they did I really wouldn't have minded because I would rather know and not look than not know and be worried that he was loose. So I tore my entire room apart looking for the damned thing and came up with nothing. Well I guess I made enough noise to wake him up because he started scratching on my entertainment center from below. Had I known that there was hollow space under there, I would have checked, but I didn't know. So I started tearing the thing apart and pulled up one of the bottom boards and saw some rat shit. At this point I was pissed because not only was the hamster still running around under there, but at one point rats were too. I was prying off one of the board when the stupid f**ker started running across my room. So I grabbed him and "nicely" put (read: threw) him into his cage and set about cleaning up all the rat shit and re-arranging my room because I already had it torn apart. So after an hour of searching and tearing, I found the f**ker, but I was a little pissed. Then I had to call the bug guy back that was here a few weeks ago to get rid of the rats that were floating around.
     
    Not only were there rats, but there was a colony of FIRE ANTS living under my carpet. I didn't know fire ants could even live under the carpet, but yes, there was a colony. He came out a few weeks ago to spray the house and yard because the 5 or 6 months were up and it was that time. Well he either missed my room or he pissed the ones outside off so they moved to my room. When I found the f**kers I flipped out and grabbed a can of whatever pest killer I could find and started drowning the little bastards. But, my room is now ant and rat free and the hamster is stuck in his cage so it's all good.
     
    In other news, the GA Convention comes to town in a couple weeks. I'm pretty excited about it really. I don't think it'll be as great for me because I live in the damn place and it's not new and exciting like the San Francisco one was, but I'm looking forward to meeting some of the others and hanging out with the ones that were there last year again.
     
    Speaking of, Steve is putting me to work so I'm done ranting for now. Considering it's been 2 months since my last blog entry and all this has only happened in the past week, be glad I don't post more because that would be one hell of a bitch-fest.
     
     
    Enjoy the day everyone!
     
    Joe
     
    (Who should be in bed or studying, but is bitching instead!)
  20. JSmith
    Well, now that I've vented a bit, I feel like I'm finally calm enough to write a post that all of you can read
     
    I'll start with the exs. It seems that everyone of my exs seems to be contacting me lately. Well, not every one of them, but a lot of them. First, the most recent ex continues to send random texts asking me what's up or if I'm still awake at 2am. Some people sleep you know! Not me, but if I was normal, I'd probably be in bed!
     
    Then last night I got a phone call from Michael. If any of you remember him, he's the first guy I messed around with that I had a huge crush on. I had planned on moving back to Missouri at the end of the school year, but apparently he didn't get the memo that it wasn't going to happen until last night. So he called me and was pretty upset that I wasn't coming back. So I talked to him for a good 15 minutes which was actually pretty nice.
     
    But, the shocker of them all is that Jonathan moved back to town. To recap, he was the one that I had very strong feelings for at one point, but he f**ked me over. Then there was a possibility of getting back together, but I ended up not doing it. He moved a few months ago to a town about three hours away from here. Turns out his parents got a divorce so he came back here to live with his mom. He's now completely out and his mom accepts it and they're still very close apparently. I talked to him online yesterday and got caught up with everything and then tonight I had to basically teach him how to be gay As if I'm the best openly gay guy to talk to about coming out and meeting new guys. Right... Anyways he's still in the stage of, "No one wants me, he's out of my league, I can't do it, I don't know what to do..." kind of crap so I was talking him through that. He just got into the dating field, but wants to find an amazing guy right off the bat. I told him that was easier said than done, but I think he still might have some feelings for me but doesn't want to admit it.
     
    Then to top it all off, I noticed on the birthday list that it's my Missouri-Psycho ex's birthday today. Fairly odd I must say, but I don't think I'm going to send him a Happy Birthday text or call him. I've had enough ex-drama lately.
     
    Moving right along, I was in a royally pissed off mood today because I cleaned the entire house even though I wasn't the one to make it a mess to begin with. It took me 4-5 hours of doing nothing but cleaning carpets, shelves, closets, the kitchen, and everything else on the ground floor. My sister briefly helped me and cleaned a few spots on the carpet, but the nasty pig of a brother I have just ignored me. He's been told to wash the dishes and vacuum the living room for the past week, but he just sits there and ignores it. I was getting sick of having people over and the house was a mess so I finally just cleaned the whole damn thing. My sister made up for it by buying me pizza though so I don't have any hard feelings against her.
     
    The good news in the cleaning though is that I finally finished my damn Defensive Driving Course online. It took me 2 weeks to do the stupid thing because I kept falling asleep while taking it. I honestly don't know if I'll get my papers back in time though so I might have an arrest warrent out for me come April. I hooked my laptop up to the projector in the living room and used my cell phone as a mouse with the bluetooth and just kept clicking next from across the room. Made life much easier when you can ignore the videos and vacuum at the same time.
     
    I'm going to Austin this weekend finally. Mason, Michelle, our friend Valerie, one of her friends, and I are all taking a weekend trip down there. It's a last minute thing, but we always wanted to go down so I figured why the hell not. I'm really looking forward to it. Even if we're all in one room with 2 beds and a pullout couch. No one's sleeping on the floor, but there's no privacy for Mason and I either Or I could just lock them out of the room...
     
    I have much more to rant about, but I think I've done enough for the night. The other post was much more graphic and detailed so I feel significantly better
     
     
    Joe
    (Who is going to make sure his house is still clean after the bastard just left)
  21. JSmith

    Say what?

    By JSmith,

    ARGH! Ever have a night where you can't stop thinking? It's one of those nights for me. Thoughts keep going through my head and I'm not entirely sure that's a good thing. Usually when I sit and think it never turns out well, but we'll see. At least it's a nice night outside so I can leave my door open and get a breeze.
     
    Not much new to update on. I think my brother knows I'm gay now if he didn't know before. We were having a party and the boyfriend had some homework due the next day so he was taking a break from beer pong to work on it. Well I came in my room to check on him and say hi and we got a little distracted with our tongues. Well my brother was coming to get me to play another game and he looks through my door right as I pull away and look up at him. So he just turned around and walked back to the table. He didn't say anything so I'm assuming he already knew, but at least now I know.
     
    I finally put a new car stereo in I wanted one for a long time but I never got around to it. It's a real nice one that allows me to play music directly off my USB flash drive so I don't have to make CDs or load songs on an MP3 player ever again. WOO! It was a bitch to put in though because I wasn't willing to pay the $50 to have them install it. So I did it myself and it all worked out in the end
     
    Went to see Doomsday the other night. I personally didn't like it. It was a lot like 28 Weeks (wich I liked) except with a less realistic plot. There were so many faults that I just didn't understand. Though that could have been because I missed the first 5-10 minutes, but still some of the things in the movie just made me wonder what the hell they were on when they didn't think about this kind of stuff. The Bently in it was nice though!
     
    I have homework but I don't want to do it so screw that I'm not going to.
     
    Speaking of the boyfriend... things are going very well I'm fairly certain he's not psychotic like most of my exs or dickheads like the rest of them. He said something earlier today when we were cuddling that I couldn't understand. It could be something very meaningful, or it could have just been goodbye. But based on something he said last night, I'm inclined to believe it was the first option. However, when I asked him what he said, he responded with something that it couldn't have been. So it's killing me inside trying to figure it out. I think he said it, but I don't know if he wanted to say it yet or if he's trying to protect me by doing it this way and then judging my reaction. But that doesn't work if I don't know what the hell he said to begin with! ARGH! And then he said what sounded like the same thing when I was walking to my car, but that one didn't sound AS close as the other one did so I let it go and didn't say anything. I'm good at reading him though and based on his body language I think he was a little disappointed, but not too put off because he was the one that didn't say it clearly or repeat it. So grrr!
     
    Anyways, I'm going to get back to my thinking and hopefully find some food.
     
     
    Joe
    (Who is bored but refuses to do homework.)
  22. JSmith

    Sick.

    By JSmith,

    I'm sick of being sick. I think my fever is starting to break though. It's still at 101.2 but it stopped going up at least.
     
    My sisters friends are alcoholics. This is the second night in a row they've been here and I'm starting to get annoyed. I need to move out. Maybe then I'll actually be able to sleep.
     
    Short blog. I'm lazy and don't feel like typing.
     
    Joe
     
    (Who needs to eat.)
  23. JSmith

    Eh why not...

    By JSmith,

    So since people keep asking me about Valentines Day, I'll just blog it here.
     
    Thursday night he took me to dinner at an amazing Itallian Restaurant. I had the salmon and the food was VERY good, but I couldn't eat it all beause they give you a hell of a lot to eat. The only downside was that they were out of Cheesecake for desert so I had to get some chocolate thing which would probably been very good if I was a chocolate lover, but it was way too rich and chocolately for me.
     
    After that it was my turn and since it was already 11 o'Clock we decided on not doing everything I had planned because we were both exhausted. I had a bunch of pillows and blankets in my truck and we layed under the stars and cuddled/talked for a while. I made him chocolate covered strawberries earlier and we had some of those. When it started getting colder we went inside and I pulled out these different massage oils that I bought and gave him a massage. And then you guys don't get the details of what happened after that
     
    Somewhere along the way I gave him a long-stemmed red rose and his mom saw it and started saying how sweet I was and all this, so apparently I picked up brownie points with her. And then she offered me a mango margarita which I turned down
     
    Every other Valentines Day I've been single so this was a very good change of events and a great "first" Valentines Day.
     
    I made a post somewhere about my ex and him wanting to hang out with me, and I just decided to ignore it. He wanted to do it today but he hasn't texted or called me so I'm just going to let it go and hope he goes back to not talking to me
     
    Obama is supposed to be in Dallas on Wednesday and I'm thinking about going to one of his rallies just for the hell of it. I'm still undecided on who I want to vote for, but I'm leaning towards one candidate over the others. (No, I'm not going to tell you who!) And I just figured out how to Register to Vote too since no one here seems to know how besides waiting in line at the DMV (and I'm not wasting 3 hours of my life doing that).
     
    Other than that, I don't have much to blog about so I think I'm going to leave this a short blog and end it here.
     
     
     
    Joe
    (Who is relatively happy )
  24. JSmith

    I hate this Fing Blog.

    By JSmith,

    So no matter what, but whenever I post about a certain topic in here, it all goes to hell. And as much as I'd really like to post about that topic, I'm going to refrain because it's a pain in the ass and if it all goes to hell like it has in the past, then I'm going to be pissed. Royally. So if you know what I'm talking about, don't comment it in because I'm superstitious like that
     
    Anyways, I don't know how long it's been since I last posted, but I assume it wasn't too long ago and I'm posting quicker than my usual one month time gaps.
     
    The whole Missouri thing... that's pretty much out the window. There's still a slight chance it could happen, but at this point I'm not looking at it very seriously. Northwood still sucks though so I'm going to have to transfer schools eventually, but I can deal with it for another year if need be. Speaking of school, I have class in about an hour and a half and I didn't go to bed last night so I'm pretty damn hungry and will probably need some caffeine before that f**king Accounting class. God forbid I sleep through a class that I have the exact powerpoint he's reading word-for-word off of and don't pay attention to anyways.
     
    Hmm, I've been really stressed out recently and things have finally begun to take a huge toll on me. So if I seem out of it or slow to do something, tell me. Don't try and be understanding and let me slack off because then I'll keep taking advantage of it and won't get shit done. So kick me in the ass repeatedly until I do whatever it is needs to be done. I'm being completely honest here and I'll probably get annoyed with you, but I'll get it done and then we'll both be happy because you have whatever it is you needed done and I can stop the nagging. But seriously... nag me to death until I do it.
     
    I have a bitter taste in my mouth right now. Kind of annoying, but it was worth it so I can't complain. I need a piece of gum though.
     
    It's cold again. Texas weather sucks. It was so nice earlier yesterday and you could actually walk outside without a jacket on. I just tried and froze my ass off. And we're supposed to get rain this afternoon. Cold = Good. Rain = Good. Cold + Rain = Not so much.
     
    MSN. Sucks. Actually the virus I'm infected with sucks, but MSN is stupid because it's still not fixed. I ran my virus scanner on Deep Clean three times and cleared out any virus. There was only the one that I got hit with today and it cleaned it after the first one and gave me the all clear on the last two. But apparently it's still sending out those stupid f**king messages with zip files. DON'T OPEN ANY FILES FROM ME! Chances are I'm not going to send any of you a file through MSN soon, so don't open the shit I send.
     
    I have to pee. And while that may seem like an overshare of information to a lot of you, no one is forcing you to read this blog. And since that's one of the top 3 things on my mind right now, I felt the need to get it out on... screen?
     
    Guitar Hero 3 is fun. I suck and can only play Hard (and even then I still fail half the songs), but it's still a lot of fun and they have some good songs on there.
     
    Wii is fun, but I suck horribly. I tried the duck hunt thing, and I pretty much got my ass kicked every time I played it. Then I tried Mario and kept getting my ass lost or falling into some god damn hole. Seriously, who the f**K puts a hole in the middle of a level. I don't know about you guys, but I don't see these big ass black holes when I'm walking through the park. And if I were to see one of these holes, I wouldn't walk over to the damn thing and try and jump over it. How stupid can you be? Then again when you're doing different colored shrooms all day and shit out stars, you might not think as clearly as the rest of us do.
     
    Beyond that, I don't know what to say. I think I've bullshitted my way through this so it's long enough that most people will skip over it and not give it a second glance. That's usually my objective when I write these. The longer they are, the less people that read them and the less people that can sit there and call me an idiot. Not that I mind because I usually deserve it, but when I only hear it from 4 people instead of 20, it makes me feel like I'm not THAT much of a dumbass.
     
    Yes. Well. Class at 8. I have to pee. I'm hungry. I need caffeine. That about sums it up (ish).
     
    Remember: Don't comment on the non-commentable I mentioned earlier. If you do, I will have to beat you with a stick. Or something much larger than a stick of I have one within reach.
     
    Oh one more thing. I hate pictures of myself. I always blink and look horrible/stoned. So don't take any of me if I ever meet you because I'll probably end up flipping you off most of the time. And I hate my smile. I think I look like a dumbass, but others tend to disagree. I say they're stupid.
     
    Pee. Food. Caffeine. Class. In that order.
     
    Joe
    (Who's doing the potty dance because this took longer than I though to write!)
  25. JSmith

    Redneck Cheesehead?

    By JSmith,

    So I've decided to move back to Missouri once again at the end of the school year. I talked to my mom and told her I was basically miserable here and couldn't stand going to a school that I hated where I didn't learn anything. She agreed to let me go to UMKC next year and major in Computer Science instead. The only downside is that I'll have to live at home for at least a little while until I can save up enough to move out. Of course, I'm not going to tell her I plan on moving out until I do it, but oh well
     
    Since we're on terms here instead of semesters, I wanted to skip the last term and move back early so I can work and save up money, but my mom wouldn't let me. Though looking on the bright side, if I finish the year out, I'll have enough credits to transfer as a Junior instead of a Sophomore like I am. Also, if I left early I would have to come back down June 6-8 for the GA meeting. So I'll wait until everyone leaves Dallas and then move back up right away.
     
    For the record, CJ is to blame for the title of my blog. He first called me a Redneck from Texas, and then a Redneck Cheesehead because I was actually born in Wisconsin. To give a little rundown on where I've lived:
     
    Born in Grafton, Wisconsin
    Moved to Germantown, Wisconsin
    Moved to Coppell, Texas
    Moved to Liberty, Missouri
    Moved to Grand Prairie, Texas
    about to Move to Liberty, Missouri
     
    You would think I've gotten sick of moving, but I've gotten so used to it that it doesnt even bother me anymore.
     
    In other news... well, I suddenly lost my will to blog so maybe I'll add another entry later, but until then, so long!
     
     
    Joe
    (Hmm... I can't seem to keep my thoughts straight anymore. And no, I'm not on anything!)
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