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JSmith

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Blog Entries posted by JSmith

  1. JSmith
    Michelle said she was going to blog about me being an idiot last night, so I figured I'd go ahead and agree with everything she says now.
     
    We went to the club last night after I left work extremely pissed off, and it was a lot of fun. School is mostly out and people were in town so it was pretty packed and we all had a good time. Except for the CJ part... but I didn't end up talking to him. Of course, that didn't stop Michelle from running up to him and hugging him though. Her excuse was, "Well he's a daddy now!" Whatever... Oh yeah he knocked up some chick a week before he met me.
     
    Anyways it was probably 2:30 when I first saw this guy on the dance floor and I was trying not to drool. To make a long story short, around 3:30 the club was starting to empty out and our friend Valerie went over to this guy to talk to him. I don't know what she said but she told me to go over and talk to him.
     
    And thats where the idiot part comes in. Did I go? Of course not! Why would I actually do something I want that takes courage when I can just sit against the wall and do nothing. And then they're all telling me to go talk to him and apparently he's talking about me because he and his group of friends keep looking over at me. So they said either I go talk to him or we leave... We left.
     
    Yes so I'm in a bad mood again and still haven't decided if I'm going to work or not. I would much rather just sit at home and sleep, but we'll see.
     
     
    Joe
    (Who leaves you all with a quote that he found)
     
     
     
    “Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.”
     
    - Fulton Oursler
  2. JSmith

    Good Samaratin Award

    By JSmith,

    So I feel good. Michelle and I were on our way to Wal Mart when we saw an SUV stuck on the side of the road in the mud and felt bad. So I turned around and went back to see if he needed help getting out. Turns out he and his wife were both cops and she had a little too much to drink at their Christmas Party and wanted him to pull over and ended up getting stuck.
     
    So I get out in the mud and hook up some ties that I have to both trucks and start pulling him out. I get him about half way out when the hook bends on my truck and comes loose. So we both get out and try hooking it up a few more times but I just ended up breaking all of my straps instead. They weren't meant for towing so I'm not surprised, but I tried. I ended up getting mud all over his Escalade. The front was covered with so much mud that you couldn't even see the paint or windshield. It killed my high of trying to help, but I gave it a shot.
     
    He ended up waiting for the tow truck that he called and on the way back we saw him getting pulled out so at least he was ok.... even if he was a cop.
     
    The end
     
     
    Joe
    (Whos New Year Resolution is to help one person out a day... or week if I'm having a shitty day.)
  3. JSmith

    About Damn Time...

    By JSmith,

    So I finally decided to come out completely. At the urging of Michelle and Tina I came out to my sister the other night. She pretty much said, "Is that it? You pulled me away from drinking to tell me that?" So that went well. And I just changed my MySpace (yeah I know... pathetic that I have one, but I don't really use it) to say that I was gay. I figure that's the most effective way to come out to the people that don't know because pretty much everyone has one and looks at mine even though I don't update it ever.
     
    My professor asked me to tutor someone for an MIS class. She picked the worst time because I have to work the next 4 days, but oh well. It'll make me feel good inside, right? It damn well better.
     
    I partially took care of my speeding ticket. I went to the judge and she pretty much just said, "You're taking a Driver Safety Course. You have 30 days to pay for that and then 60 days after that to take it." and that was it. So no arrest warrent out for me and I don't have to pay a $218 ticket and a hell of a lot more in insurance.
     
    I still haven't started Christmas shopping yet. I know what I need to get some people, but I haven't had the time to actually do it yet. And I still need to find a dog for Michelle before she kills me.
     
    We got a firepit for the backyard and I've put it to use twice already. It's quite fun, but then again I'm a pyromaniac and burn marshmellows just for the hell of it. The only bad thing is that I smell like smoke right now and I really don't want to get up to take a shower at 2am, but I can't go to sleep feeling/smelling like this.
     
    I accidently answered a phone call from my ex today. I was waiting on a call from Tina and I hit answer when I felt it vibrate, but I looked at the name and went, "Oh shit. What do I do Michelle?" She just laughed. Not funny. He wanted to know if I wanted one of my TShirts back, but I said he could keep it It was a nice shirt though... Armani Exchange And then he sent me ANOTHER text saying how he still loved me and asked me if I changed my mind yet. Blah.
     
    And now that stupid Snowy is bugging me on MSN so it's time to go hide. Just kidding of course.
     
     
    Joe
    (Who feels weird doing a blog this short)
  4. JSmith

    What's with the Psychos?

    By JSmith,

    Why is it that every f**king time I try to find a nice guy, I fail. But if by some miracle I do find a nice guy instead of the typical assholes, they turn out to be psychotic.
     
    I feel like going into this whole long rant about stupid people and crazy obsessive stalkers and how much it annoys the crap out of me, but I don't know if I'm up to it...
     
    Yes I am.
     
    So I deliberately didn't post anything in my blog about my boyfriend for the reason that Snowy mentioned... it always f**ked it up and ended quickly. But in this case it didn't happen. Here's a little background info:
     
    I met CJ (The boyfriend, not the goat) at the club. To make a long story short, we started dancing and having fun. While dancing Josh comes up out of nowhere to say hi to me. I say hi, hug him, he leaves but stays within 10 feet of us dancing. Whatever. Fastforward to where I leave with my friends. I give him my number, I get his number and we go our seperate ways. I leave the club and get a text from Josh and CJ. CJ wants me to come over to his place, I say no I have to take my friends home. Josh wants to know who CJ is. I pretty much tell him to f**K off.
     
    The next night, I went over to CJs. We watched movies, did whatever and went to sleep. I get a message on myspace from Josh asking for CJs Myspace. I told him I didn't have it. I then added CJ to my friends list. Later that day he gets a message from Josh and they start talking. Annoying, but whatever. I'm making this longer than it has to be, and it really doesn't add any to the story, so I'll try and speed it up more. The next 4 days I have to work. I go to work at 5:00pm, get off work at 5:30am, go to CJs house. On one of those 4 days I get a text from CJ saying he's going to a movie with Josh and some friends. I thought it was bullshit because Josh did that to me all the time. He would say lets go to a movie and we never went, and always ended up staying in. Big surprise, he did the same to CJ. They all hung out at a friends place and had a good time and what not. I didn't ask what all went on because at the time, I really didn't want to know.
     
    Fast forward to my parents coming into town for 4 or 5 days. They stayed at my house so I couldn't exactly sleep at CJs without then asking questions. This makes him mad and he asks me to move in with him. I hesitate because I don't want to and I know it's too fast. I said I would think about it though because I can't say no. He took that as a yes. While my parents were here, I had to work those 4 nights (including Thanksgiving which sucked!) and it all just got worse as it went on. He finally told me he really wanted me to move in and I said I think we're moving to fast, lets slow down. He didn't want to. On Friday night he was pissed off at me for that so he broke up with me. I said fine and started ignoring him. Well it's hard to ignore someone when they are constantly calling and texting you. I thought my phone was going to blow up so I turned it off. I ignored him all the way until Saturday night. I was at work and talking to Jeff (Nifter) and his bright idea was to send him a text telling him I needed time alone. I listened. Stupid mistake. He sent one back saying he would give me space if I would answer his phone call for just a second. I agreed. Another stupid mistake. Me and my not being able to say no got me back together with him. Yay. I finished my shift, went home and slept for a while and my parents left.
     
    Sunday I wake up to a non-stop vibrating phone. 15 missed calls and 23 new texts. CJ was pissed that I wasn't answering my phone. Well SORRY for sleeping. Apparently you aren't allowed to do that in a relationship. f**K him. I go hang out with my friend Michelle. We're on the way to the movies when he won't stop calling me. I finally answer and try to break up with him. He doesn't listen. I try again. Still nothing. I try 16 more times in different ways and then give up. Fine, we're still together. Sunday night a group of friends and I go to the club. Guess who's there. CJ comes up to me and starts saying how much he loves me and misses me and doesn't want to be without me. Fine whatever. I went back to dancing with my friends. I'm outside alone when Josh comes up to talk to me. We talk for a little bit until CJ comes up behind me. I'm assuming he was trying to make Josh jealous because he felt the need to hang all over me and kiss me and what not in front of him while we were trying to talk. Josh gets annoyed, along with me, and he leaves. We go back inside and dance for a while. CJ tells me earlier he made out with Joshs best friend Erik upstairs at the club. I was pissed, but didn't really care too much. We once again go back to dancing. CJ goes off with his friends, I go off with mine. I send Josh a text saying I needed to talk to him. My friends and I are sitting off to the side of the dance floor when Josh and CJ show up at the same time. I tell CJ I'll be right back and drag Josh away to talk to him. I asked Josh about what happened between CJ and Erik and he said he didn't know, he didn't see anything. Then he goes on to lecture me on how psychotic CJ is. As if I hadn't already figured that out when I tried breaking up with him. We're still talking when CJ comes over and interupts us. Josh leaves and CJ is once again glued to my hip. Josh comes back and tells me he's leaving. CJ leaves with his friends a little while after. We stay a few more minutes waiting for Michelle to finish making out with whatever random guy she was with.
     
    We go eat, and I take them home. Then I go to CJs house for the night. I got there around 5 and went to sleep. We wake up, do whatever, and go back to sleep, wake up again, he goes to work and I take a nap. I wake up, write him a breakup letter, grab all my shit, leave the letter on his door, and drove home. I turned my phone off so it wouldn't explode from the calls and texts. I came home and went to sleep. I woke up to Tina and Michelle coming in the door looking for me. Apparently you can't leave your phone off or your friends come looking for you. They say CJ is driving up and down the street looking for my car. He doesn't know where I live thank god. So we manage to dodge his car and we go to Tina's to decorate her house for Christmas. Actually, they decorated while I read a book. I turned my phone on and saw a massive amount of texts and calls. I ignored most of them. Tina went to work and Michelle and I went to a movie. CJ then started to harass Michelle and tried to get her to talk to me and whatnot.
     
    While I've been writing this I've gotten 4 calls from him. I realize that a lot of that doesn't make sense, and most of it was unnecessary, but it feels better to get it all out.
     
    And I swear if the next guy I find is as much of a stalker as Zac and CJ were, then I'm turning straight.
     
    Joe
    (Who just wants to take a nap in peace!)
  5. JSmith

    Blah

    By JSmith,

    Things have been good but bad at the same time lately. I just got a f**king speeding ticket for going 88 in a 60. It was bound to happen sooner or later with how I speed, but it still pisses me off! Oh well... that's what defensive driving is for.
     
    I would write more but the boyfriend is getting pissy that I'm still online.
     
    Joe
    (Who HATES cops with a f**king passion!)
  6. JSmith
    I can't wait until this Friday and I'll be in San Francisco! I really need to get away from all the shit going on in my life right now. And because I have nothing better to do right now, actually I do but I'm going to procrastinate like always, I'm going to take this time to bitch. Yes, another bitching blog. Are they getting old yet? Too bad.
     
    Things to do before tomorrow: Do chapters 4 and 5 Accounting homework that are now late because I skipped class last Thursday, Write a 7 page English research paper that's going to be half-assed because I waited until the last minute again, Study for the accounting test that I'm sure to fail because I hate accounting, Do my Database homework which isn't technically due until Wednesday but if I don't do it now I won't do it at all, work a 12 hour shift tonight, and continue to be pissed off at myself for doing something extremely stupid... even for me. And because I have to do all of that, I'll be up for at least 45 straight hours before finally getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep and then going another 20 hours without sleep. Then repeat until Thursday at which point I have to go to dinner with my aunt that'll be in town. Then I get a few hours of sleep before having to leave for the airport at 5am for my flight to San Fran. So if any of you going think I'm a bitter asshole that day, I probably am. I know I am right now because in the past 24 hours all I've had to eat was a sandwich around midnight last night, but I'm not really hungry. I think my body is getting used to my f**ked up hours because I really don't even need caffeine anymore to function this long without sleep. Anyways, on to my other problems to bitch about!
     
    Let's start with work. I like my job because it's easy and laidback, but the hours royally suck and I have to find a new job before the next school term starts or I'll be forced to quit because my classes interfere. Not to mention that right now I'm broke because I've had a lot of unexpected expenses come up that pretty much drained me. Blah! And I don't understand why some people I work with keep trying to talk to me. I have my MP3 player going and I'm not paying attention to your stupid comments. I don't want to take my headphones off just so I can hear about this chick you f**ked the other night. Honestly I don't care! And it's work. I'm there to make money, not friends. Especially with the people that work there because most of them are on drugs and half of them can't speak English. Let me finish my job so I can go find a nice corner to hide in until my supervisor yells at me for not doing anything! That's all I ask! I don't plan on staying there much longer anyway... assuming I can find another job that is.
     
    School is annoying. My classes suck for the most part and I've stopped paying attention in them. And it really bugs me that after I've stopped paying attention in them, my grades go up because I'm forced to study on my own and understand what the teacher couldn't teach me. Why the hell do I have to go if I don't listen and all I do is study on my own anyway? Add that to the fact that I keep seeing people (namely Bruce) that I don't want to see there and having to purposefully avoid them, it makes for a long ass day!
     
    Last night I was at work and got 3 text messages and a phone call all at the same time from people begging me to go to the club with them. Usually I'm up for it even though it's been dieing down a bit lately, but I really didn't want to leave work early again. And what do you know, the time that I don't go to the club, Lance Bass ends up going. But besides that, there was a gay block party on Saturday night that I went to that was fun. It was packed and I couldn't find some of the people I wanted to see, but I still had fun. I ended up seeing a guy in my English class there. I didn't even see him until he tapped me on the shoulder and said hi as he walked past.
     
    Being lonely sucks. I don't know if it's because I'm too picky, too shy, or there just aren't a lot of guys available, but I'm really getting frustrated... especially with myself. I don't know what it is that physically causes me NOT to talk to a guy. I'm such a hypocrite when it comes to this. I always tell people that if it's someone you're probably never going to see again, then what's it matter. If you get rejected it doesn't matter. Yet when it comes to me trying to get up the courage to talk with someone I'm interested in, it just doesn't happen. In my mind I'm screaming at myself to do something and I know what to do, but I can never physically walk up to the guy and say something. And I hate that when I'm with friends that know I want to say something, they're lecturing me on all of this as if I don't already know it. I'm a chicken shit, I know that already. You pointing it out to me doesn't help the situation at all. If you could find a way to slap me upside the head (figuratively of course) and get me to talk to him, THEN you would be helping.
     
    I had a deep conversation with one of my friends the other day. She and I always get into some deep shit and just keep talking until we realize what we're saying and then laugh because we think we're idiots. She commented on how she doesn't understand how I can be basically fearless when it comes to doing dangerous things and wanting to try new stuff and meet new people, but when it comes to talking to guys I'm interested in, I freeze up. I want to go sky diving and jump out of a plane for Christ's sake but I can't even speak two words to someone I'm possibly never going to see again. Insecure? Maybe. Self-Conscious? Maybe. Chicken shit? Deffinitely.
     
    I really want to get the hell out of Texas and move somewhere else and start fresh. I'm sick of living a double life and not being able to be myself around everyone. And while I could just get it over with and come completely out of the closet, I know I would lose a few friends over it and I don't want to deal with all the shit. I would rather move away from my family and become self-sufficient and live on my own, but I don't think I can do that with where I'm at in my life right now.
     
    Eh, I got bored and lost my train of thought so I forgot what else I had to bitch about so I'll spare any of you who are still reading this and end it.
     
    Joe
    (Who has no witty line at the end this time, sorry.)
  7. JSmith
    I don't really have a point to writing this, but it's keeping me from falling asleep so I figured I'd do it.
     
    I haven't eaten in a day and a half, and I'm not even hungry. I have a bitch of a headache so I know I need to eat, but I just don't have an appetite at all. I got food today for breakfast and tried to force myself to eat, but I became nauseous every time I would think about taking a bite so I gave up. I only got two hours of sleep last night, and had to be up at 6:30 to finish a paper before my class at 8:00. I have work from 5:30pm to 5:30am tonight and I'm not likely to sleep at all between now and when I have to go to work, so it looks like it's probably going to be a long night. I have enough caffeine in me right now to last me for a few more hours, but once that wears off I'm going to be f**ked so I'll need to take some 5 Hour Energy drinks with me. Plus, I'm irritable as hell right now. Every little thing is annoying me and I get pissed off at a lot of stuff I'd usually ignore. Viv got to hear some of my anger when I talked with her earlier, but I tried to tone it down a little bit. Add all this to the fact that I feel like just breaking down and crying all of a sudden... I think I'm depressed.
     
    Don't you wish you were me?
  8. JSmith

    One Hell of a Week

    By JSmith,

    First off, let me just say that if I haven't talked to any of you in a long time and you never see me on MSN anymore, I'm sorry. This week has been absolute hell for me. I started my training week at work on Sunday night at 7pm. I work from 7pm to 5:30am Sunday-Thursday this week. I have school from 8am-12pm Monday-Thursday. I've pulled one 28 hour day before finally passing out and getting 3 hours of sleep, and today I'm going to pull another long 24+ hour day IF I even sleep at all before I go back to work. Most of you are probably saying that's not bad, I have 7 hours in between to sleep. Well try doing a shit load of projects and homework for classes and still getting that sleep. The good news is though that after this week, my schedule will even out more and it won't be so bad.
     
    As for today, it's going to be either one very good, or very bad day. I found out two days ago that my ex, Jonathan, is moving in about a week. His dad is going to be the pastor or a church in a town about three hours from here. Now even though I haven't really talked to him that much, I do miss him a lot as it is, and with him moving that just kills anything we might have had going in the future. So today after he gets out of class around 1, we're going to hang out and say goodbye and all the fun stuff. I'm really looking forward to spending the time with him, but I'm not looking forward to either getting very little or no sleep at all before I have to go to work.
     
    Caffeine is your friend. High amounts of caffeine can keep you going for hours. Just don't let that caffeine wear off or you're f**ked and you crash. I've had so many monsters, 5 hour energy drinks, redbulls, caffeine pills, and coffee in the past week that I've been doing pretty good about not letting that crash hit me until I really need it.
     
    I really can't remember what all I wrote so far, so if none of that made sense, then tough shit because I'm not going to correct it. And now I get to go take a shower before I head off to start my wonderful day of classes! YAY! *walks away muttering*
     
    Oh, before I forget, I just wanted to vent about how stupid some of the staff is at my school. I got an email last week saying I needed to go in to get my picture taken for my ID. Fine, I go in on Monday and she's all excited to see me because I took so long to go there and get it done. Well sorry I have a life and can't just drop everything to go get my damn picture taken! Stupid bitch. And then, even though she's all excited, she says the machine is down because it's out of toner. Great. She tells me to come back tomorrow (Tuesday) during the day and we'll get it done. I guess she forgot to mention that Tuesday was a staff development day because I go in there on Tuesday and there's a note on the door saying they're closed and will be back open tomorrow. Again, I call her a stupid bitch even though she's not there. So now I have to go in there today with no sleep, and get the damn picture taken for my ID card. And I swear if for any reason they can't do it today, then f**K them and their damn ID card. They can wait until I'm good and ready to take the stupid picture and get the card. I don't even NEED the card, but they say I HAVE to have it. Whatever. [/end rant]
     
    That's all for now. This was mainly just to let everyone know that I'm still alive. I'll try to talk to everyone when I get a chance on the weekend, but the chances are I'll still be swamped with projects and web stuff.
     
    Joe
    (Who really needs some more caffeine )
  9. JSmith
    I always hated it when my parents would ask me that. It was either "How was school?" or "What'd you learn today?"...
     
    How was school? It's school, how do you think it was! Honestly, who really wants to wake up that early and go to class?
     
    What'd I learn? Based on the fact that I usually slept through my classes, not much! Except today... today was an exception because I learned that there are an extremely large number of hot guys at our school this year. The incoming freshman are so good looking that it kills me to know most of them are straight. And the ones that aren't straight are so deep in the closet they could find the sock I misplaced last year! What sucks even more is that I know I'll see half of them at my house at one point or another throughout the year because most of the campus comes through here at least once for a party (non-alcoholic of course ).
     
    Besides that, my life has been hell lately and it's slowly returning to normal. I hope. I'll try and short-hand this as much as possible because if anyone is like me, they see a long ass blog and just leave because they're too lazy to read it.
     
    No job + No Money = No Fun
     
    Car messed up = Oh crap + Under 60,000 = No paying
     
    Camping + lots of rain = Not as much fun (I'll expand this one to say that it was still fun because we were all slightly incapacitated so we didn't really care, but I have a lot of wounds from the trip. Cuts and scrapes are no problem, but never try and break off part of a dead tree with a big rock. Chances are the big rock will break, fly into the air, and come crashing down onto your arm leaving a bruise and swelling. Also, never try walking to somewhere if when you drove in you saw a sign that said 'Steep Hill' but ignored it because you were in a car.)
     
    Clubbing + Friends = Fun + Running into exes = Not so fun + Creepy guys trying to dance all over you and grope you and then follow you off the dance floor when they won't leave you alone = Not fun at all + Friends keep bringing it up and making fun of you for it = f**K you
     
    Also, about 10 minutes ago I got a call from somone I didn't know looking for Bruce (if you don't know who bruce is, see earlier blogs where I think I mentioned him). I haven't talked to Bruce in 5 or 6 months. I was never really close enough with Bruce for anyone to think that he would be with me, and I doubt he would remember my phone number to give it out to someone without knowing it was me. He would have had to go through his phone to find it. So now I'm annoyed that he did that, but oh well he can go screw his couch for all I care because I'm not too fond of him as it is.
     
    That's all
     
    Joe
    (Who is off to Jeff's for free food )
  10. JSmith

    It's that time again...

    By JSmith,

    It's been over a month since my last blog so I figured I'm due for an update. My life was going relatively uneventful until these past few days.
     
    Let's start with the whole San Francisco thing... I finally bought my plane ticket so I'll be there from Friday morning at 10AM until Monday morning at 7 or 8AM I think. I'm looking forward to it a lot... there are a few people going that I've been dieing to meet for a while now and I'm glad I'll finally get the chance. So if you're thinking about going but are unsure, I say go for. You'll have fun, I promise!
     
    I've been told I'm a bad gay guy. I have no fashion sense what so ever and I can't dance worth a damn. I blame the dancing on the fact that all the people I go to a club with are a foot shorter than I am and I just can't get that low! The fashion thing is true... I can't pick out clothes and usually don't match, I just wear what's comfortable. My friend Jane took me shopping a few days ago and then Lawrence took me again ok Wednesday. Needless to say, shopping with a straight girl one day and then a gay guy the next, I spent a lot of money. But on the bright side, I did get a lot of nice clothes.. even though he insisted on me getting smalls instead of mediums. I'm going to get fat and not fit into any of them and it's going to be all his fault!
     
    Work. Work sucks. Work sucks bad. All hell is breaking loose at work now and it's getting on my nerves. One of our managers is leaving to move to PA, and then 3 more are transfering to another store and we get 2 of their managers in return. So we're loosing 4 managers and only gaining 2. And now this is where I come in. They're promoting me to a manager, but they're only giving me a week to train. I started training today and I have until the end of next week to be finished and be able to run the store on my own. Usually it takes at least 2 weeks and most of the time 3 to train someone. The owner told me they were going to give me the 'crash course' on it. Great! Not to mention that a lot of the other team leaders are pissed that I'm the newest one and I'm getting promoted before any of them. Most of the good people have quit, or are quitting for various reasons and our GM only seems to be hiring people with an IQ lower than room temperature at a pace that's going to leave us with zero people in a months time. It's stupid, and I hate it, and I want to quit but I need the money. GAH!
     
    And now for the real issue that's been eating at me these past couple days. I'll start at the beginning because I have nothing better to do right now. Well I do, but I don't want to do it so I'm going to use this as an excuse to put it off. Anyway, Tina (coworker) and I got off work on Wednesday night and were talking and she said she had to go to Albertsons and get cheese. I agreed to go with and we went over after we got off. We're in the store when all of the sudden Tina stops, turns around and says "That guy over there is Dustin...". Dustin is a guy that our other friend Michelle was trying to hook me up with. So we're leaving and we're talking to one of the people that works there that we know and Tina mentions Dustin and how Michelle was trying to hook us up. So fine, we left. We're out sitting by my car talking when Dustin comes walking over to us. He introduces himself and all that and we started talking. About a minute later, Tina turns and yells "Jonathan!". And here's where things get awkward. Jonathan is my ex and our relationship ended in a not-so-pleasant manner. It wasn't bad, we just stopped talking. So he comes over and starts talking to Tina and every once and a while glances over at me. Dustin gets bored and leaves with his friend and it's just the three of us. So Jonathan says it was nice seeing us and he hugs Tina and turns towards me and it looked like he was going to hug me and I just looked at him. He stopped and looked at Tina and then went inside the store. Tina knows about Jonathan and I, but Jonathan doesn't know she knows. So were still sitting there talking about what happened when he comes back out. He says bye again and Tina and I leave for my house because she wanted to see the clothes that Lawrence picked out for me. While we're at my house I get a text from Jonathan telling me it was nice to see me again and he really wanted to talk to me and for me to get online. So I did and he apologized for being a dick and ending things the way he did and gave me somewhat of an excuse for doing what he did. I'm not one to really hold grudges so I accepted the apology. Well we got to talking and it really seemed like he was interested in getting back together again, but I really don't know what to do. On the one hand, I really liked him and never wanted to break up in the first place, but on the other, I don't want to get f**ked over again and end up hurt. So I've been talking with a few people about it (thanks viv, jeff, and myr!) and I've pretty much decided to give him a second chance and see where it goes.
     
    That was a lot longer than I anticipated, so I'll give a short version: My ex wants to get back together and I'm confused on what I should do.
     
    Well, that's about it for the drama in my life. Until next month!
     
    Joe
    (Who gives pitty to the person that actually reads all of that.)
  11. JSmith
    Alright so I've finally been to both a gay and a straight club, and let me tell you that I had a hell of a lot more fun at the gay club than I did at the straight one. And not only because of the obvious, but because it was a lot more fun. For instance:
     
    Straight Club: Some people dancing on the floor but most people just stand there and talk
    Gay Club: Dance floor is packed and dancing is going on all around
     
    Straight Club: People stay in their little group of friends and dont meet a lot of new people
    Gay Club: Random people come up to you to say hi
     
    Straight Club: Dress code is strict and it's not as comfortable
    Gay Club: Dress code? The bartenders had on underwear... that's it
     
    Straight Club: People just walk around you if their in your way
    Gay Club: You get ass-grabbed or titty-poked
     
    Straight Club: You grab a girl's boobs and it's offensive
    Gay Club: You grab a girl's boobs and everyone laughs
     
    Straight Club: People tend to ignore you if you're not part of their group
    Gay Club: People are a lot nicer and smile... though they may be looking at your ass while they do it
     
    Straight Club: Long lines... long wait... no fun
    Gay Club: Not that long of a line... short wait... lots of fun
     
    Straight Club: Fights and bouncers everywhere
    Gay Club: I think the guys wearing only underwear could break up a cat-fight if one started
     
    Anyways I'm going to stop there, but I had a lot of fun at the gay club. And yes, I actually danced!... or should I say "danced" because I sure as hell can't dance
     
    Joe
    (Who thinks Lawrence likes playing with boobs a little too much... )
  12. JSmith
    So I've been gradually coming out at work to a few people. At first I didn't plan on telling anyone because it really wasn't any of their business, but I ended up telling a couple people. Right now I think the count is up to 5 people from work that know. Now my work place can't keep a secret worth a damn. You tell anyone anything and usually everyone else knows within a few days. It's gossip central really. So it's only a matter of time before it gets out to everyone else, but I guess Im fine with that for now because I don't plan on staying there much longer anyways.
     
    Anyway, back to the point of this blog... it seems that of those 5 people that I told, I'm now looked at as the "gay best friend" by 3 or 4 of them. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they're all accepting and supportive, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. I have 3 people trying to set me up with their friends and getting calls and texts left and right to go out and do stuff. It can get real old real quick!
     
    And I'm going to stop there on that because I lost my train of thought and am too lazy to re-read what I already wrote.
     
    In other news, I'm pretty sure I have strep throat again. My throat is killing me and feels like I have needles being stuck in it every time I swallow. I haven't gone to the doctors yet, but I'm going to setup an appointment tomorrow so don't go all parentish on me and start lecturing like many of you do!
     
    Joe
    Who never knew coming out could be so damn exhausting
  13. JSmith

    Blah!

    By JSmith,

    Life has been somewhat crappy lately, but I won't bore anyone with the details.
    [Rant]
    All I really created this blog for was to bitch that Good Charlotte finally comes back to the US to do a tour, and they go and f**K everyone over! First they join up with Justing Timberlake and agree to open for his tour. I don't have anything against JT, but come on! They're not even in the same genre! But fine, whatever. And THEN they go and screw everyone in central US (read: ME) over and skip over all of those states. They play in a total of like 5 states I think. And Tennessee? What the hell is in Tennessee? Dallas is much more of a popular area than that.
     
    BUT on a good note, I'll still probably be able to see them August 3rd because if I'm not mistaken they're going to be playing right down the street with a bunch of other bands. Most of them are pop stuff that I can tolerate but dont necessarily listen to, but it would be worth it to at least see them in concert.
    [/Rant]
     
    Joe
    Who is about to go see Transformers!
  14. JSmith

    By request...

    By JSmith,

    People have asked for a picture of my boyfriend so I might as well post one. This picture is compliments of Jeff being an ass... hence it is not a good picture and why I'm giving him a "what the f**K?" look. And his hair is getting long which is going to bug me in about a week or two when it's too long to do anything with, but don't tell him I said that
     
    Anyways, there you go...
  15. JSmith

    Life is.... good?

    By JSmith,

    Alright well I wouldn't say life is perfect right now, but it's gotten a hell of a lot better the past week or so despite my near-death experience on Saturday night.
     
    I'll start with me nearly killing myself. It's rained here on and off for the past week or so. Well I was driving up to Grapevine for a party with some friends and it hadn't rained in a while. The roads were dry... or so they appeared. Now if you ask anyone that knows me, they'll tell you flat out that I'm a speeder. I don't drive the speed limit unless absolutely necessary. I think it's stupid. Anyway... it was one of the rare occasions when I actually was going the speed limit because I was getting off the highway. It wasn't a sharp turn and I was actually going straight when I hit a puddle or something and lost complete control of my truck. The back end swung out and I tried to correct it, but just lost control even more. Being in an SUV/Truck thing, I thought I was going to flip and plow straight into the bridge about 100 yards ahead of me. But instead, I did a few 360s in the middle of the road before I slid off about 20 feet into the weeds and mud. Like I said, its been raining a lot lately and I have a truck thats rear-wheel drive with no weight in the back and no 4 wheel drive. My car doesn't like mud. I got stuck in the mud for about 15 minutes trying to rock myself out. I finally did so and my truck looked, and felt, like it had been to hell and back. I was close enough to meeting my friends that it wasn't too bad. But now, every time I go 65 or faster, my steering wheel will vibrate. I need to take it in tomorrow, or today now, and get it looked at I think before my roadtrip. But I lived and my truck is still in one piece more or less so it's all good.
     
    Hmm what else... my social life has picked up a lot. I'm almost never home actually. If I'm not with one group of friends, I'm with another. It's been good though. Jeff moving to Dallas has been a blast. It's fun to have someone to hang out with where you can actually be yourself and point out a cute guy and not have to worry about the other persons reaction. Plus, he cooks. And before anyone even thinks about it or mentions it... we're both already taken. It's a pure friendship thing.
     
    Work has been somewhat better. Less dumbasses and more people listen to me now when I ask them to do something. Tomorrow should be rather interesting. I work with some fun people and have plans to do stuff after.
     
    And I'll end my blog there because I need to go spread caladryl all over my arms because these apparently I have a big blinking buffet sign on me to these stupid mosquitos. Just a tip: never leave your window open when you live next to a forest. I've killed at least 7 of the stupid things and who knows how many others already bit me.
     

     
    Joe
    (Who is happy now and can't wait for tomorrow night)
  16. JSmith

    Blah...

    By JSmith,

    Life's a bitch right now. Seriously... my job sucks, I'm pretty much broke, school is a pain with finals coming up and all these damn projects due, I feel really alone because I cant seem to keep anyone interested in me, and to put the cherry on top, my parents had to put our Golden Retriever down today. 14 years. I've known that dog basically my entire life, and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I don't think I've cried this much since... well, ever.
     
    I'd write more, but I have to be up for a presentation in a few hours and Im not really feeling up to it. So goodnight
     
    Joe
    (Who feels like a freaking rainbow of emotions... it sucks!)
  17. JSmith

    *sigh*

    By JSmith,

    Forgive me if none of this makes sense because I'm beyond drunk right now. I have played so many games of beer pong that I can't remem ber the number that I've gone through.
     
    Anyway, today was the first time that Iv'e flat out asked a guy if he was gay. It's a long story, but the short version is: he's gay and interested in me (or so the last time I checked which was last night). Well I was very interested in him and we had a date planned for tonight where we were just going to watch a movie and hang out, but he got called into work. But he never responded to my texts I sent earlier so I'm kinda paranoid that maybe something made him lose interest in me. I'm not sure but it bugs the hell out of me because it was the first date I would have had in over 4 months. I don't want to be the type of person tha annoys the hell out of you from the beginning by always wanting to text/talk to you, but I dont want to just sit here and do nothing. I'm sick of being the one to just sit and wait for things to happen. I want to change that and become someone that actually makes those things happen.
     
    But I'm beyond drunk and it's taken me at least 20 minutes to write this and fix my typos and grammar so I'm going to pass out. I just hope my paranoia was for nothing and he really is interested because that really would mean a lot to me.
     
    Good night everyone. And a special goodnight to Bruce
     
    Joe
    (Who is so beyond wasted that it's not even funny)
  18. JSmith

    I'm not a slut...

    By JSmith,

    I was looking back at a lot of my blog posts and noticed a lot of them had a common theme of always rambling on about a guy... usually a different one every time. But I'm not a slut. Most of the time nothing ever happens with the guys I mention in here. Maybe it's a curse...w hich is also why I've decided to stop talking about them in here for the most part. I was going to blog about a guy tonight, but decided against it.
     
    Well, since I decided not to talk about a guy, I don't have much else to say. But I'll give it a shot.
     
    My life has been soo hectic and busy lately that I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in too long to remember. If I'm not at school or work (which I usually am), I'm either out with friends or avoiding my homework. Speaking of avoiding homework, I have a huge exam tomorrow that I'm almost positive I'm going to fail because I haven't studied for it. And I also have a 5 page outline to do over some chapters in a book that I still haven't done. BUT in my defense,I was planning on doing that tonight... but then I went down to Dallas and didn't get home until 2am. So I've decided I'm f**ked (and not in the good way) tomorrow.
     
    Let's see... work! Work sucks. I hate it. It makes me want to shoot someone. But they promoted me so I guess they like me even though that feeling isn't mutual. Once I turn 18 though I'll be out of there in a heartbeat... they just don't know that yet. They also don't know that I plan on taking a LOT of time off throughout the upcoming months. I'll take off a few weekends in May for concerts and graduation and what not, a week in early July to go up for a family reunion, a week in mid/late July to probably go down to Austin to party with some totally awesome people, and then after that it probably won't matter because I shouldn't be there much longer than that.
     
    So my life has taken a pretty dramatic turn lately. I'm beginning to change my attitude a lot when it comes to what other people think about me down here. I used to take it too seriously, but now - I just don't give a f**K. If you can't accept me for who I am, then don't talk to me. If you don't like who I hang out with or any of my friends, then don't hang out with me. I'm at the point where I'm not going to walk up to every person I meet and say, "Hey, I'm gay"... that's not me. But I'm done trying to hide the fact that I am. I don't live with my parents anymore (not that it matters because my mother already knows way too much about me as it is), I'm beginning to get more and more friends that know me for who I am and not who I was, and I'm just sick of trying to conform and fit in with everyone else. So my note to everyone out there that knows me: If you don't like me... I don't give a shit. Leave me alone and we won't have a problem
     
    I've already forgotten what I said up there ^ because my memory is total crap and I'm too lazy to re-read what I wrote. SO, I think I'm going to procrastinate again and not do my outlines tonight and just go to sleep. And I realize this whole blog sounds like one big rant (which it pretty much was), but it's better than me talking about another guy and looking like a bigger slut than half the people on here already think I am (which I'm not).
     
    So I hope you all have an awesome day tomorrow because I know I sure as hell will Have a goood night!
     
    Joe
     
    (Who had an amazing night tonight and doesn't want it to end)
  19. JSmith

    It's been a while

    By JSmith,

    I haven't written a blog entry in I don't know how long so I think it's time. My life has been rather boring lately. I wake up at 5:30am, at work at 6, come home, eat, and repeat the process the next day. I do have some fun things planned though.
     
    Feb. 24th - Party with some friends. We'll probably have a movie night because I have my projector in the living room giving us a huge screen, but we may just have some fun (all legal, I swear!).
     
    March 12th - I think school starts either March 12th or just after that. I'm looking forward to it a lot. There are a lot of cute guys on the campus that I've seen so far so that's always a plus. I'll be living on campus until Summer starts when I'll move back here. I'm just going to I can meet a bunch of new people and get that whole college dorm life experience crap. On the bright side, I'll still have a bed here if I need it for anything (like perhaps if I get a homophobic roomy that frowns upon me f**king like a rabbit in the same room as him Not that I get any, but just in case, it's good to have a backup.
     
    March 16th- Theres a My Chemical Romance Tour concert in San Antonio that Friday so I think I might drive down and go to it. I'd love to go to the concert but I don't know if I'd be able to actually do it. I'd take Friday night and all of Saturday off of work and head down for the weekend. Jeff said he'd go with me to see MCR and there's still floor tickets available so I need to decide now if I'm going to do it.
     
    March 24th - Oh god. I have to go to Prom. I don't want to go to prom for a lot of reasons. First, I don't dance. I can't dance so I don't even attempt to do it. Second, it's my old school's prom so I'll know a lot of people there, most of which I don't like. Third, it's going to be expensive as hell to do it. A few hundred bucks in one night for something that I don't want to do in the first place. Sounds fun, doesn't it? Fourth, the after party is going to suck. There will be no (for lack of a more incriminating term) 'fun' things there. And there will be a few people there that I can't stand to be around, but I'll just have to suck it up I guess. Fifth, it's with a chick! I mean shes a good friend and all, but come on! I really don't want to go to prom!
     
    May ??- I finally made my mom happy. After I told her I was going to prom with a girl I told her I'd walk at my HS graduation. She wants lots of pictures of both. I hate pictures normally, but it's even worse when I'm all dressed up. Bah! I guess on the bright side I'll be sitting almost right next to Adam so I'll have some nice eye candy.
     
    And that's all I have planned for now. Nothing too exciting, but I was in the mood to blog and I had nothing interesting to say.
     
    Oh! There is one thing though. There's 2 guys that work the night shift that I think are gay. One of them, Jonathan, I'm almost positive about. The other, Andrew, very well could be, but I'm not sure when it comes to him. We never work, but he smiles at me when he sees me. He's pretty cute too. When I start college I'll have to move to doing the night shifts so maybe I can get to know him then. I'll feel him out personally or ask the slutty Asian chick I work with if he's into guys. She might know... her hands are all over everyone so if anyone knew there, it'd be her.
     
    I also ordered a new phone today. I finally got sick of mine dropping almost every call and never having service so I bought a Mororola L7. It should be here some time next week. I'm excited about it
     
    Anyway it's time for sleep now. I have to wake up in a few hours for work. Goody!
     
    Joe
    (Who's looking forward to a lot of things)
     
     
    EDIT: I forgot about this song because it's pretty old (and country), but it fits my life very well almost all the time: I'm In A Hurry To Get Things Done - Alabama
     
    "I'm in a hurry to get things done,
    Oh I rush and rush until life's no fun.
    All I really gotta do is, live and die,
    But I'm in a hurry and don't know why.
    Don’t know why
    I have to drive so fast
    My car has nothing to prove
    It’s not new, but it’ll 0-60 in 5.2, oh
     
    Chorus
     
    Can’t be late
    I leave in plenty of time
    Shakin’ hands with the clock
    I can’t stop
    I’m on a roll & I’m ready to rock oh,
     
    Chorus
     
    I hear a voice
    It says I’m running behind
    I better pick up my pace
    It’s a race & there ain’t no room for someone in 2nd place"
     
    That bold phrase right there perfectly fits my life.
  20. JSmith

    "For one more day"

    By JSmith,

    If you haven't read the book for one more day by Mitch Albom (author of Tuesdays with Morrie), then I do suggest it to everyone. I'll be the first to admit that I never read books like this, but my mom sent it to me and asked me to read it. I think it's the first time I've gotten this emotional over something I've read.
     
    If you have read it and enjoyed it, then good. If you didn't enjoy it, then please keep it to yourself.
     
     
    Joe
  21. JSmith

    Lost

    By JSmith,

    For the first time in a very long time, I cried tonight. I think I needed it though. I don’t know how long it’s been since the last time I just let it all go. Despite the fact that it was cold and rainy, it felt good.
     
    It’s been raining here for the past few hours so there’s a huge puddle around my car that’s about 6 inches deep and only getting bigger. Try getting into your car with 6 inches of water all around it. It’s not easy. But I went to the park to think again tonight. I didn’t have a chance to do that in Missouri for a while because it was too damn cold, so it felt good just to stand out there and think while it was raining.
     
    I don’t know what it is about going to the park while it’s raining, but it’s always been a sort of comfort zone for me. The rain drives everyone else inside so you’re completely alone. It’s dark and the rain completely consumes you. The natural rhythm of the rain and occasional thunder calms you down. Anyway, this blog isn’t really about me standing like an idiot in the rain for an hour, but more of what I was thinking about while doing that.
     
    I think I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to change. I want to change. I need to change. I’m sick of hiding who I am. I’m always avoiding certain conversations with people because it could lead to my sexuality, and I’m tired of not being able to be myself. I had a small taste of that life in Missouri. For the short time that I was there, I came out to a lot of people, I made friends that accepted who I was, I had a boyfriend, and I was able to be myself around people for once. I don’t have that here, but I want it. And I think now is the time to do something about it.
     
    I really did have a lot more to say when I was walking around in the rain. I was able to think a lot better out there. If only my laptop was waterproof. Bah! So to make a long story short because I don’t want to rethink everything, I’ll sum it up in a few sentences.
     
    My life sucks right now, and I’m ready for change. I know what I want to do, I’m just not sure if I should do it. Even if I go ahead and decide that I want to be open and be myself, I’m not really sure how to accomplish that. As hard as it is for me, I am willing to risk losing a few friends over being myself. If my brother and sister don’t like it, so be it. Just because we live in the same house doesn’t mean we have to be friends. I think I’m at that point in life where I either continue living like I do for the next 5 years and hiding who I am until I move out on my own and start a ‘new’ life, or I start living my life like I want to right now.
     
    It seems like such a simple decision, but it still scares the shit out of me.
     
    Joe
    (Who wishes it would never stop raining)
  22. JSmith

    Email...

    By JSmith,

    If any of you have sent something to my MSN/Hotmail email address within the past 6 months (starting in July), then I sincerely apoligize for just now reading it. I don't check that email. I only use it for MSN. The best way to reach me is through PM or my Joe@gayauthors.org account.
     
    I had 10-15 emails from members about issues that took place months ago, but I just now read them. If you were one of those people and you were wondering why you didn't get a response, this would be why.
     
    Once again, I'm sorry I didnt get to it sooner, but I wasn't actually paying attention to the fact that people might send things to that account. But please, in the future send it to my GayAuthors account or my personal account should you know what it is. It'll get to me a lot quicker that way.
     
    Thanks and Happy Holidays to everyone
     
    Joe
  23. JSmith

    Oops...

    By JSmith,

    I haven't written an entry in a month. I've been too busy with everything lately that I haven't had the time to just sit down and write something. Not that it really matters though because nothing exciting is happening in my life. But, for those of you that are insanely bored and feel the need to read every blog post just because you have nothing better to do, then have fun
     
    Let's start out with Adam... and Ryan. Most of you don't know about Ryan, so I'll just ignore him and move on to Adam. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks now. I've stopped looking for him in the halls now and don't really know if I ever pass by him. I'm taking that as a good sign though. Hopefully it means I'm moving on and getting over my infatuation with him. I really need to get over it. I don’t understand how I’m such a chicken when it comes to things like this. I never even talked to him. Oh well… that should make it easier for me.
     
    School sucks. Senioritis kicked in for me. I don’t think I’ve done homework in a month and I wait until the last possible minute to do my projects. Meh. Somehow I manage to sleep in almost every class, yet get all As. I wonder how I do it sometimes, but I stop thinking about it because I really don’t care as long as it’s happening. I have a total of 10 days left before I graduate. December 21st is my last day. That last week is filled with 7 finals for me though  The F.I.N.A.L.S acronym really relates to me this year – f**K I Never Actually Learned this Shit.
     
    I gave my 2 weeks notice for work yesterday. They weren’t too happy, but f**K ‘em. I gave them a lot of work for not very much pay, and I hated the job anyways. Loved the people, but the job was boring and frustrating. Old people shouldn’t be allowed into restaurants past 5 O’clock. They need a curfew.
     
    I’m moving to Texas in 17 days. Well technically I’m leaving for Texas in 19, but I leave Kansas City on the 24th, drive down with my mom, dad, and sister to my aunts house, spend Christmas there, and then on the 26th my sister and I will drive my car and all my crap down to Texas while my parents come back home. I’m excited, but nervous as hell too.
     
    I finish work on the 20th and then need to start packing all my crap for the move, but I’ll probably continue my trend of procrastination and wait until the 23rd to do it all. Which sucks because I need to take all my furniture with me and it’s a pain to break it all down. Bah. Oh well.
     
    I. Hate. Writing. Poetry. It’s hard for me to write a serious poem. I either have to make it funny or make it very sarcastic. All that figurative language bullshit doesn’t work with me.
     
    Wow… I rambled on more than I thought I would so I’ll finish it up now.
     
    Happy Holidays Everyone
     
    Joe
    (Who is way too wired to go to bed right now)
  24. JSmith
    Oh yes… another one of my ranting blogs. But this time it isn’t so much of a rant, as it is a realization. Ok, it is a rant at first, and I sound really needy, whiney, and bitchy, but so be it. I’m a little sleep deprived right now so it may not all flow together or be coherent, but that’s just another reason you should stop reading right now This could take a while, and will most likely be really long. I pity the fool who may actual waste part of his/her life reading this whole thing.
     
    To save space, and time, I’m not going to repeat everything about college that I was going to say. I said most of it in a previous blog with another rant. So if you didn’t read that, then you probably aren’t going to read this. And if you did read that, and you’re still confused, then you’re SOL because I don’t really care right now.
     
    Alright. I had my plans for college basically all lined out. I knew what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, when I wanted to go, and everything was going fine and dandy. I filed for early decision, and sent in my application and fee no problem. The school sent the transcript and my SAT scores over, and everything was going smoothly. But no. It can’t go right. That’s not how my life works. It doesn’t just work out perfectly for once. Oh no, I had to be tossed another curve ball.
     
    Monday before school, I went downstairs, and was about to head out the door when my mom started talking to me. No problem, I still had time. About a minute into the normal chit-chat crap, she randomly brings up my college stuff. She flat out tells me that there’s basically no way I’m going to RIT. We can’t afford it. Well, I wouldn’t have been upset with that revelation, and I would have understood, had she told me no 6 months ago when I found the school. She knew the price then, and said I should apply and send all my stuff to them and there was a chance that I could go.
     
    Being the moron that I am, I of course got really excited about the prospect of going to RIT. It’s an awesome school, it’s away from the parents and basically everyone I know, and it was in an area that I liked. But no. That stopped dead Monday morning. And then, to make it even worse, not only did she crush my school of choice, but she also said that there was a good chance that I was going to go to Northwood University in Texas like my sister. Oh what a joy! She had already talked with the admissions people, and they were really interested in me.
     
    In fact, she told me that when she talked with them about my looking into a Network Security degree, they basically said that was a stupid decision to make. That it would narrow down my field a lot. Well duh! Network Security isn’t really a small field. It takes a lot of classes and knowledge to do it, and the job outlook for it is fantastic. But Northwood said that getting an MIS degree would be better, so I don’t limit my job choices as much. While that may be true, it’s also a lot easier to get an MIS which makes the job competition a lot tougher. A lot more people apply for the same job. But fine. I let that go and didn’t argue with her on it because it would be pointless.
     
    She also told me that she talked with my sister about it, and they think it would be best for me to live on campus in the Dorms for the first semester, and then move in with my brother and sister after that. That way I can make more friends, meet new people, and figure out all the joys of campus life. That may be all fine and dandy and a good plan, but where the hell do I come in? I hadn’t even considered NU as a serious option before, and now my mom and sister have it all planned out for me. I guess that makes it a lot easier on me.
     
    Let me get one thing clear though. My mom isn’t all that bad. I’m making it sound worse than it really was. I could tell that she was genuinely sorry for me not being able to go to RIT, but we just couldn’t afford it. I understand that, and know it’s an expensive school.
     
    Now that I’ve had two days to let it sink in, I started thinking about actually just going with it, and going to Northwood. As much as it pains me to say it, I really do miss Texas sometimes. I lost a lot of things when we moved to Missouri. Some good things, some bad things.
     
    When I lived in Texas, life was a lot more… simple to say the least. I had close friends, I had a decent (meh) job, and I had a life. I would go out, and enjoy the time I didn’t spend at work or school. I hung out with people a lot outside of school, and didn’t really worry about things too much. I miss that part of Texas. I miss the friendships I left behind and the life I used to have. I don’t have that here.
     
    In Missouri though, a lot of good changes happened. I’m out to more than a few people, I’ve had a relationship with a guy, I’m no longer a virgin, my mother knows about me (though I’m not so sure that’s necessarily a good thing), and I feel more free to be myself. I don’t care as much about what other people think about me. I’m not so deep in the closet that I feel the need to date a girl I’m not even interested in, just to keep my straight appearance up.
     
    What worries me though is if I can go back to Texas. Northwood is close enough to my old city that I can still hang out with my old friends. I could possibly get my old job back (not that I really want it), and hopefully the close friendships will return. But will I still be able to be myself? I know some of my old friends weren’t too keen on the idea of gay people. I don’t think they would have stopped being my friends, but it wouldn’t be the same. They tell a lot of gay jokes, and use the term in a derogatory manner a lot. Now while that doesn’t really offend me too much, as I can take a joke fairly easily, I don’t think they would feel comfortable telling those jokes around me. Which would make it awkward, and we probably wouldn’t hang out as often as before.
     
    It really is a shitty situation to think about. I know on the one hand, people are going to say, “Well, if they can’t accept you for who you are, then they aren’t really your friends.” But I don’t really agree with that statement. They didn’t become friends with me. I was living a lie, and hiding who I really was for years. It’s hard for some to accept such a drastic change from someone they thought they knew. I don’t necessarily blame them for possibly rethinking our friendship. Maybe not based on the fact that I’m bi, but the fact that I could lie to them so easily for however long I knew them.
     
    I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m going back to Texas to visit in just over a week. I plan on staying for 3 or 4 days, and then coming back to Missouri to finish out my school year. I already made plans with a bunch of old friends and plan on having a good time with them. I think ultimately, that’s going to be my decision maker right there. If I miss Texas enough, that I think I can still be myself, while still keeping the close friends I have, then Northwood isn’t such a bad option. In 4 years, I’ll be out of college with two degrees (dual major), most likely debt-free, and I’d still be far enough away from the parents, that I wouldn’t have to deal with them so much.
     
    I’m not really looking for advice on what to do, because I want this to be my decision, but I felt the need to get all that out. I think it helped writing it all out and thinking it through rather than just calling Jeff and whining to him like I usually do.
     
    But, I give up on this now. I don’t even write papers this long for class, much less a blog. I think this may be a new record length blog post. If anyone read through all that, I bow down to you. I will admit that even I won’t go back and read through this damn thing.
     
    Peace and love to those who deserve it. To hell with those who don’t (myself included).
     
    Joe
    (Who thinks it’s time for bed now)
     
    P.S. Just for the record... this was over 1500 words. See what I mean about needed a life?
     
    P.P.S. I hate November. It's only been 7 days into it, but it already sucks for various reasons. And none of the sucking is in a good way either.
  25. JSmith

    Sick of the Bullshit

    By JSmith,

    I'm done with school on December 21. After that, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. As to this point, I planned on staying at home, working, and then taking night classes at one of the community colleges and try to get some of those required courses out of the way. Then in the Fall, I'd register as a Freshman and start college. Now, I'm seriously reconsidering that. Not all of it, but the living at home part.
     
    When I lived in Texas, I had work until 10:30 every night on weekdays, and would get home around 10:45ish. My parents didn't care. The weekends I would usually work until 11:00. Once again, my parents didn't care. Because I worked so much, I only had a limited amount of time to actually spend hanging out with friends. This was usually on the weekends after work. We would either go to Midnight/1am movies, or go to one of the arcade places to play basketball for a while. After that, we'd usually go to IHOP and eat. I wouldn't get home until 3 or 4 in the morning that night. Once again, no complaints from the parents. They accepted it and didn't care.
     
    I was 16 then, and I'm 17 now. Now that I'm in Missouri, I have a 10:00 curfew on weekdays and 12:00 on weekends. How the hell does that math work out? As I get older and more responsible, I'm punished and I now have a curfew? My grades are all high A's, I work almost every night, I'm never tardy or miss either school or work, yet I can't do a damn thing anymore. Sounds fair doesn't it?
     
    And why did all this start do you ask? Honestly, I have no idea. She didn't tell me. What I assume it's from though, is because she knows that I'm Gay. When in reality, I'm Bi, but I didn't correct her at the time, so she doesn't know that. Now, every time I try and go out, even if it's with a girl, she assumes that I'm lying my ass off, and I’m going out with a guy, and I’m going to go have all kinds of wild sex every damn night. I wish.
     
    Ever since she came to me and told me that she knew, she started imposing all these bullshit rules. Honestly, I’m sick of it. Yeah, I understand the curfew aspect of it, but if you haven’t given me a curfew before, and then all of a sudden put one on me after you find out that I’m gay, and won’t allow me to extend it due to work, then that f**king sucks. I don’t have a chance at a social life anymore.
     
    I picked her up from the airport today, and she was talking about the condo my brother and sister have in Texas (where she just came from), and she says, “Oh, by the way… you still have a midnight curfew when you’re down there. And you will not have anyone over at the house. And you will not have any parties.” Well what’s the f**king point of a vacation if you can’t even enjoy the damn thing? Half the people I’m going back to visit are going to be working during the day, and only have nights off. I was just a tad bit pissed when she brought this up so my mood went sour fast. I think she picked up on it, and then changed the subject to colleges.
     
    Well, she started off by saying, “Why are you looking at colleges so far away anyways? Do you just not want to be by Jim and Katie (siblings) or your dad and I?” Well, I was still pissed about her curfew shit while I’m in Texas, so I just shrugged and kept driving wishing it wasn’t as long of a damn drive as it was.
     
    So, right now I’m on the edge of moving out come December 21. Once school is over, I’ll either find somewhere here to live and wait until Fall, or I have a few other places in mind where I could move to where my parents wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. I would tell them they can take whatever money they have for me for college, and use it on my brother and sister. I’ll go to a community college for 2 years to get my required courses done, then most likely go on a Government funded Full-Ride scholarship for the final 2 years. If I agree to work for them for so many years after I graduate, then they offer a full ride in the Information Assurance (Network Security) field. It wouldn’t be too bad. I’d have minimal debt, and I’d have plenty of experience after I finished working for the government.
     
    I’m not too sure what I’ll decide. I think the deciding point will be in December if she tries to still impose the curfew after I finish High School. Because I’m not going to do that crap.
     
    Anyways, if you read all that, then I feel sorry for you, as you just wasted way too much time in your life on such a pointless blog post. I just needed to rant about it, and I didn’t feel like calling anyone at the moment.
     
    Joe
    (Who is mightily pissed off at the moment and feels like taking it out on something inanimate. *Eyes his computer*)
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