Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 3. Chapter 3 - A Trip With Sam

For the last few days Silver seems to have gone back to his old self. In fact he has been surprisingly cheerful. For a couple of hours every day he locks himself in the studio and he doesn’t seem to be doing any painting in there. He always comes out glowing. Whenever I ask out of sheer curiosity he smiles a secret little smile and kisses me.

Our lovemaking has taken on a new dimension too. I don’t know how long I am going to survive if he keeps on like he is. He wants to ‘practice’ at least once a day and it leaves me exhausted and... well frankly sore, in places you wouldn’t imagine. I feel quite sore in the head right now. But it pleases him. It almost hurts me the way he has lit up and come alive. To be honest I am confused by why it hurts me. Maybe it’s because it makes me think of what he was, what he did... or maybe it’s because it makes me think of what I did, with the best of intentions. More than anything I think it’s because of what I wouldn’t let him do and what it almost cost.

I’ve tried not to think too much about our discussion and how it made me suddenly realise how many things are still issues for Silver. I’ve tried to put it to the back of my mind, to stop thinking about all the things that make Silver... different, but they keep creeping in. Like the fact that he knows absolutely nothing about what’s happened out here in the real world over the last 7 years. Things keep cropping up that I expect him to know but he doesn’t.

Thankfully, as he was 12 when he was taken, and an intelligent 12 at that, he reads and writes well enough, except that he is out of practice because he hasn’t done it for 7 years. Actually he has become quite a voracious reader and that is part of the problem too. I am an eclectic reader myself and it never occurred to me to hide the more controversial of my literature. He was in shock for days after reading Lord of the Flies and I could have screamed when I saw him fall face first into Kama Sutra. He really doesn’t need those kinds of ideas.

I am constantly having to filter what we watch, read or listen to as he soaks everything up and frequently gets extremely upset or confused. Mostly he is upset by interpersonal relationships and he really doesn’t understand people. For one thing, dishonesty of all kinds confuses him. When he was twelve his personality was taken from him and since then he has been only what he was programmed to do and he never learned to be deceitful. The only thing he did that approached that concept, was to conceal his relationship with David... and look how that turned out.

He doesn’t understand infidelity, betrayal, causing hurt to someone you love or much of the baser elements of human behaviour. He doesn’t seem to appreciate that he has been the victim of many of them. Sometimes I wonder if he understands what happened to him at all; whether he really appreciates that what was done to him was wrong. He knows that what happened at the end to David and to him was wrong, even evil. He hated Faith for a while but even that faded. He just doesn’t have the capacity for lingering anger or hatred. Maybe that’s the problem.

I think that he knows the way he was taken from his parents was wrong. And I believe he understands that what was done to him in the beginning was unacceptable. But as for the rest of it, the life he’s lived in between... Sometimes I think he is almost nostalgic for it and he doesn’t want to let go of it completely.

Now is not the time to tackle these things. One thing at a time and today I have something altogether different on my mind.

I was awake at the crack of dawn, excited, even though we hadn’t got much sleep. Silver was so beautiful last night, he was like a puppy, excited and lit up and full of fun. Well... okay not so much like a puppy when he started to... express himself. I have never seen or experienced anything like it. I am beginning to regret my promise. I mean how many people can say that they’ve been hovering on the edge of an orgasm for almost two hours straight? When he finally let it come... and by that point he had one leg curled around my neck and the other touching the bed behind his head, effectively doing the splits upside down with a twist in the middle. Heck, my mind boggles and with hindsight I can’t work out how he did it, where all the bits fitted in. Oh yes... anyway... by time he finally let me cum I was fully expecting there to be blood and this morning it hurt to pee... but in a good way.

Ugh... just thinking about it makes me shiver. I smile and fill the kettle for coffee. There was no dream last night, just gentle, peaceful slumber and this morning he was like a carved marble angel, so lovely lying on his back with one arm thrown up behind his head and a smile on those perfect lips. His hair is so dark next to his pale skin and suits him even better now that it’s less heavy and gets all mussed up in the night.

I had lingered a long time over getting up, watching him until the last possible moment. The gentle rise and fall of his chest was the most riveting thing I have ever seen and the sound of his sleepy sighs was such sweet music. Not even the song of the birds outside the open window could compare.

The kettle clicks while I am daydreaming about him and I pour myself some coffee and open the back door, stepping out into the pleasant morning air. The birds are still singing and the sun is rising, already warm on my face. The coffee cup in my hands burns away any remnants of chill and I close my eyes enjoying the stillness, the silence, the...

“Shit...”

The coffee cup goes spinning from my hand as the arms wrap around me from behind. This is one of the disadvantages of having a boyfriend whose every movement is a dance step and who walks so lightly. I have never been able to hear or sense when he is creeping up behind me. To be fair I don’t think he does it on purpose. He doesn’t mean to scare me, it’s just the way he is. At least I don’t think he does it on purpose. He rests his head against the back of my neck and melts against me. I can tell that he is completely relaxed, utterly content. I know that when I turn around his eyes will be pale and silver. I turn around. They are.

“Did I startle you?” He murmurs as I draw him towards me and I don’t answer for a while. At some point I wonder again... does he? Does he do it on purpose? There is a playfulness in his voice today that suggests otherwise.

“Mmhm” I sigh as I lean against him, my lips bruised from the kiss. I feel him smile as he rests his cheek on the top of my head. Not for the first time I wonder at the strength in his arms. He has been through so much and he looks fragile at first glance, with his slender body and pale oval face. Fragile and soft. But he isn’t. There is incredible strength in that slim body. He lost it for a while when he was so ill and before that I hadn’t looked closely enough. Now that I am looking, I am constantly surprised by what I find.

For example, although he is slender he has incredible muscle tone, more so since he has been working out again. Even before he started his ‘practicing’ he had been exercising daily, with what looks like some kind of strange but very beautiful mix of dance and Tai Chi. He got his poise and suppleness back remarkably quickly, given the nature and extent of his injuries and how close I had come to losing him.

In the very beginning he had to take it easy and slow. I was scared that he was trying too hard, too soon but in that one thing he wouldn’t listen to me. He hated the time he had to stay in bed because he felt trapped. I think it was the same with the weakness and pain. They were a cage which confined him. And his way of dealing with it was to pretend that it wasn't there, that it wasn't happening.

For weeks, he wouldn’t let me watch and I hovered anxiously outside the door, listening to every thud, whimper and groan, my hand straying to the handle and requiring all my self control to stop myself rushing in and stopping him. At first, when he came out of the room he was grey with pain and I had to support him back to bed and feed him painkillers until he passed out. But that changed very quickly, very quickly indeed.

Within two or three weeks he was visibly stronger and gradually became less and less reliant on me to care for him. After six weeks, he let me watch and every day since then he has grown stronger.

The exercising has been getting so fluid that I have sat and watched, entranced. It’s one thing to experience his incredible flexibility while it’s wrapping around me and quite another to sit and watch him balance on one hand with the tip of one toe touching his forehead and the other touching the small of his back. He holds the pose for a moment and then flows into another where he curls his leg around his arm, spins slowly and does a perfect split sideways.

After that it tends to blur because my mind gives up and fails to comprehend how he does what he does. And it all takes up so little space. He does most of his exercising either in the studio amongst all the paintings and art materials or in the bedroom. At most he has a space ten feet square and yet he seems to leap and twist and spin across miles; galaxies.

I hadn’t even thought that he’d been exercising that hard although he spends a lot of time on it... every day. But then, one day I suddenly realised that although he was still slender he was incredibly tight and defined. Strong and supple in a way I had never thought possible. And now he has started doing his ‘exercises’ and after only three days there is somehow a whole new dimension to him which, I suspect, comes more from inside than out.

This morning as I allow my hands to wander over his back and feel the muscles slide easily under them as he strokes my hair, my stomach tightens. I am swept with so much emotion I can hardly keep it all in. I think I must have made some small sound because Silver whispers in my ear.

“Are you okay?”

Am I? I am scared. I suddenly feel as if... it feels as if... as if for all his physical strength Silver is fragile after all and that scares me so much I can hardly breathe. But on the other hand I am also overcome by the awesome understanding that this man... this beautiful man loves me and depends on me and...

I raise my head smiling and meet his lips. “How can I not be alright?” I breathe, lifting my lips from his for just a moment and whispering into his mouth. “You love me.”

The lips that meet mine are curved into the beautiful smile that always takes my breath away. This time, even though I can’t see it, is no exception.

Kissing Silver has become a consuming habit, and it is by far my favourite occupation. But this morning we have better things to do. Reluctantly I break the kiss.

“Go have a shower and I’ll make breakfast.”

He smiles lazing and pulls me closer in a way that suggests he is not going to let go easily. “Do we have to get up this early? Can’t we go back to bed?”

Ah Gods, that look in his eyes. I have to swallow a few times before I answer. “No. Much as I would like it, we can’t. We’re going out.”

Instantly the flirtatious look falls away and his smile fades from a face, from which all colour has drained. I can feel his heart thudding and he has gone very still. He shakes his head. “No.” He whispers and it almost breaks my heart because he sounds as if the mere prospect of venturing beyond the front door is horrifying. Maybe it is.

I smile and stroke his hair. “It’s alright. It’s just Sam.”

Silver sags in my arms, relief bringing colour back to his pale cheeks. “You should have said.” He gasps.

“I just did.”

Silver sticks his tongue out at me and slaps my arse before he bounces back into the house leaving me staring after him feeling disturbed. Have I done the right thing? How often will I wonder this? For how long will I have to walk on eggshells with him and what would happen if I broke a few? Shaking my head I stride purposefully back into the house and open the fridge looking for eggs and bacon.

Silver takes his time over the shower, he always has. He loves the feel of the water playing over his body and sometimes he loses himself so completely in it that I have to go drag him out. Today it seems that the smell of frying bacon is so alluring that it has enticed him away so that I don’t have to.

I look up when he comes in and I almost drop the plate. Hurriedly I put it on the table and then I allow myself to stare. He is still towelling his hair, intent in the task, completely unaware of me or my scrutiny. He is bare chested and wearing only his jeans. They are black and very form fitting, like a second skin, low on his hips. They hide nothing. I see every beautifully defined muscle in his thighs. I want to... want to...

“Your breakfast is ready.” I say, my voice cracking and he looks up with a big grin on his face.

Dropping the towel he moves across the room in what can only be described as a walking dance... or maybe a dancing walk. His hips sway, his chest undulates and his feet barely touch the ground.

“Cut it out. You’re making me hard just looking at you and Sam will be here soon.”

Silver’s smile turns sexy and he bites his lip. Ugh. I should have closed my eyes. I should have turned my back. I should have...

“Agh. Don't Silver. Don’t. I... Ahhh. Oh Gods, you... you.”

Damn, he barely touches me. A flick of his fingers and twist of the wrist and I’m free of my jeans. As his lips find my throat his fingers dance and suddenly... suddenly I... I...

“Ahhhh.”

Silver’s lips find mine as his hand catches my seed and carefully tucks me back into my jeans. I am trembling all over and can’t even return the kiss. Grinning, Silver turns away to wash his hands in the sink. Then calmly he sits down and starts to eat. He eats like he does everything else; slowly, delicately, sexily. I swallow hard, not trusting myself to let go of the worktop.

“What the hell...?” I gasp out eventually.

“Didn't you like it?” He says lightly and, I believe somewhat smugly. “I thought I should say thank you for breakfast, and you were up before I could... say good morning so...” He shrugs.

“You’re an addict, do you know that?” I grate out as I pick up my plate, drop it on the table and slide into my chair. My legs are still trembling. “You’re addicted to sex.”

“What does ‘addict’ mean?”

“It means you can’t stop, can’t live without it.”

Silver smiles. “I think I’m addicted to you.”

“You always seem to find the right words, you know? It’s one of the very many things I love about you.”

“You love the sex too, right?” He’s teasing now, a challenging look in his eyes. This is something that would have been impossible for him a few months ago and I feel a great lightening of spirit as for the first time since our conversation I find myself glorying in how far he has come and not drowning in how far he has left to go.

“Yeah, I love the sex... although a little more warning might be a good idea next time.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

We lapse into companionable silence as we eat our breakfasts. Every now and again I look up to find Silver peeping at me over his fork or coffee cup with a look of such playful glee in his eyes, as if he is bursting with the sheer joy of living and can’t contain it. That look sweeps away the rest of my unease and I know that today is going to be so good for him.

When the knock comes at the door Silver is washing the dishes. “I’ll get it. It’ll be Sam.”

Truth be told, I want a few words with him without Silver around so that I can check out that everything is in place for my surprise.

Sam is grinning all over his face. “Is sunshine boy ready for his big surprise?” Sam has taken to calling Silver ‘sunshine boy’ because he says that he brings sunshine with him even into the darkest places. He’s right.

“He’s ready for something. He’s all lit up today and he’s been...er... playful.” I don’t miss the fact that Sam immediately glances to the front of my trousers. I hope there isn’t a tell tale wet patch there. “Behave yourself, Sam. Is everything set up?”

“It is. I have been over to check myself this morning.”

“And you’re sure there won’t be anyone else there?”

“I promise River. I love the two of you like my own and I would never do anything to hurt him. Trust me.”

“I do trust you Sam. That’s why I put this in your hands. It’s just... well he’s a little fragile at the moment. I was getting too blasé about it all. Sometimes I forget what he’s been through and how affected by it he still is. You know me Sam, I’m always pushing too hard. Do you think I’m pushing him too hard today?”

I cringe at how whiney my voice sounds but I am surprisingly nervous. Silver’s reaction when I told him we were going out scared the hell out of me. What if... what if...? Oh to hell with it. It’s too late now anyway.

Sam precedes me into the kitchen and Silver immediately abandons the dishes and throws his arms around him in a completely uninhibited hug.

“Sam.” He cries beaming. “It’s been ages. Where have you been?”

“Busy. You know what it’s like... same old, same old... sieges, snipers, dodging bullets.”

Silver frowns, stepping back. “That’s dangerous Sam. You could get hurt. You shouldn’t joke.”

Sam smiles gently. “I know. It’s not a joke. It’s just my way of dealing with it. Otherwise I might be scared and I can’t afford that. It’s my job.”

Silver smiled shyly. “I’m glad it’s your job Sam. You took care of River for me... and now you take care of both of us.” He is so serious, and earnest about it that it touches both of us. Sam grins at him although there is a little moisture in the corner of his eye.

“Stuff and nonsense. What do I do? I have you around the house now and again to keep that boy of mine out of my hair and have something pretty to look at over dinner. Hardly a chore, sunshine boy.”

Blushing Silver lowers his head and gives Sam a look that makes him hot. “Never mind the sexy looks, are you ready to go?”

I watch Silver closely but his face and smile are completely open as he nods and follows Sam out of the kitchen and through the living room to the tiny hall and then the front door. It is a lovely day. Outside the sun is shining and the sky is brilliant blue. I can’t help but notice that the intensity of it reflects in Silver’s eyes and makes them look a pale, delicate, almost metallic blue. He smiles openly at me as we get into Sam’s car.

As usual we occupy the back seat and spend the whole journey lost in each other. I work hard at it today. Sometimes Silver stares out of the window; half excited and half scared by the world flying past us. Today I keep his attention on me so that he doesn’t notice that we are driving in the wrong direction for Sam’s house.

The first that Silver realises something is different and not quite what he expects is when the car pulls into a parking space and stops. Silver looks up and instantly freezes.

“Where are we? Why are we here?”

“It’s alright Silver. Don’t be scared. We’ve arranged a surprise for you, Sam and I. I know you don’t like surprises but I really, really think you’ll like this one. Please give it a chance. I promise both Sam and I will be with you the whole time, and there won’t be anyone else there.” He stares at me with panicked eyes and I begin to feel that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. “Trust me.” I whisper.

For a moment his eyes remain locked with mine and I can practically see his heart beating. I can feel his fear and it is hard, knowing that I am, to some measure, the cause of it. I know that the world frightens him and he must be absolutely terrified at this point. He certainly looks it. And then he collapses inwards. Closing his eyes he reaches out is hand, which is cold and shaking, and places it in mine.

“Promise you won’t leave me.”

“I promise. I will never leave you. And today I will stick to your side like glue so you won’t be able to get rid of me even if you want to. I’ll be your shadow. I won’t even let you go to the toilet on your own.”

Silver gives a faint, sickly smile. “And there won’t be people?”

“No one. Just us.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

With a huge sigh he opens his eyes and scans my face. Then he nods and squeezes my hand. “I trust you.”