Escaping the Pain - 3. Chapter 3

“Of course,” Dane's face set in stubborn lines, his jaw line firming as his full lips folded together in blatant refusal to speak of what Tap suspected was happening to him.

Tap sighed and Dane braced himself for a harangue or well meaning lecture, not sure if he would start screaming or crying if Tap tried to push him on this. “So, how was the muffin? If that nasty sort of healthy stuff is what you like it's no wonder I got to gobble up the cookies Tammy gave us,” Dane looked up, surprised at the change in subject. He narrowed his eyes at Tap but decided to take the switch at face value and tried to bury the sudden thankful feeling he had and the urge to come clean and tell Tap everything.

“Yeah. It was really moist, I haven't had one that good since before we moved and my mom got...” Dane trailed off, his face stricken. Tap was still watching him, trying to study and learn everything he could about this mysterious person he had the unfathomable urge to protect. His eyebrows drew down as he watched the pain flash across Dane's face.

“I didn't mean to remind you of bad stuff, damn it!” Tap swore in a loud voice with a look of chagrin.

“Patrick Seamus Leeran, language!” A sharp maternal rebuke came from the woman measuring coffee behind the counter.

“Sorry Mom,” Tap said sheepishly.

Dane was still breathing hard, lost in the memory of that morning that had popped into his head, the last morning his mom had been really well. She had woke him up with a cheerfully lilting 'Good Morning!' and a kiss on the forehead, urging him to get up in time to have a hot breakfast before school. She had made some scrambled eggs and fresh bran muffins and he had eaten them without a clue that afternoon she would get the news that she had pancreatic cancer and needed to have poisonous chemicals flooded into her body immediately. His mom's reaction to the treatments had been severe and after that it was Dane taking her mint tea and crackers in the mornings before he left, trying to help her keep the nausea and sickness at bay when exhaustion confined her to her bed. Dane blinked back the sudden tears that ached to be released but he refused to give in to them and stood up abruptly. His chair legs screeched across the floor as it was shoved quickly backward. “I gotta go,”

“Okay,” Tap said softly when Dane looked at him hard as if expecting him to argue, “I'll see you at lunch, alright?” Dane gave a feeble half-nod and then fled from the coffee shop, leaving Tap behind staring at his back as he passed the glass windows as fast as his battered body would go. Tap shook his head as he picked up the half full mug and empty plate and took them into the kitchen, thinking hard about things that were almost too horrible to even consider.

“That is one sad boy,” observed his mother shrewdly.

“I think so too,” agreed Tap.

Dane's week went on pretty much the same way that day did. He crept about his house trying to stay out of his dad's way as much as possible. The casually dealt blows to his back and ribs for whatever small infraction he made or just because his dad was irritable seemed almost reassuring and the sudden attack had not been repeated. His face started to heal, the blister draining one night and the redness began to fade slowly. The bruises were almost gone so he wore a t-shirt to school on Friday, enjoying the sun on his bare limbs and how cool he felt not wearing long sleeves to keep his arms and neck covered up.

Dane's dad wasn't going to be home until around 8 pm that night so Dane was considering breaking the rules and staying for the baseball game that their school was hosting that afternoon. He would have plenty of time to walk home and finish his homework. Tap had asked him yesterday if he would consider going, promising that it would be a good game. Dane knew that he really didn't want to be alone Friday night with his memories of his mother, dreading the funeral coming on Saturday morning.

Tap provided him with a good distraction; he had continued to come sit with Dane each day at lunch before taking off to go to the gym until practice when the bell rang signaling the end of lunch. Dane sat in his class before lunch that Friday thinking about the big guy and how everyone seemed to know and like him. Dane had no idea why Tap had taken such an interest in him and it made him nervous. How would he react if he knew Dane was gay? Would he beat him up with those big fists and call him names too? Dane didn't want to ever find out so he tried really hard not to give himself away. Tap was always putting his hand on his shoulder or squeezing his arm, friendly gestures that meant a lot to Dane; he didn't want to lose that either.

A hand came down gently on his shoulder and squeezed gently as soon as he sat down at his picnic table, of course it was Tap. Dane couldn't help but smile at his new friend. “Hey little guy, how's it going?”

“Good. Busy morning, lots of homework from the teachers, prep for finals and all that. They’re slave drivers here,” Dane whined a bit.

“I'm so glad I don't really have to worry about that. It's not like Phys Ed is really challenging to study for,” Tap laughed. Dane grinned at him. “So, enjoying lunch out here in the sunshine and fresh air?” Tap leaned his back against the picnic table and dropped his head backward exposing the lighter triangle of skin on his neck that was normally shaded from the sun that tanned his skin an appealing golden color. His medium length light brown hair was ruffled by the slight breeze, just long enough to tickle the tops his ears. Dane noticed but kept his look and tone casual.

“No way, it's hotter than hell here. But I hate being cooped up inside all the time. It was a lot cooler in Idaho where I lived," Tap laughed.

"If you're so hot all the time why do you wear long sleeve shirts almost every day?"

Dane panicked a bit, scrambling, "Suntans are bad, man. Maybe I'm just trying to live to old age,"

"Yeah, not if you melt first in this heat," Tap chuckled.

"Heh," Dane gave a short laugh, "well, I’m glad I wore a t-shirt today though, it's bound to be scorching by game time tonight,”

Tap was nodding with his eyes still closed when that registered. They opened wide and sparkled as he looked at Dane and asked him excitedly, “You're coming?”

“Yeah, someone told me it'll be a good game. I figured I might as well go watch and see if our catcher sucks as much as I've heard,” Dane joked.

“Oh ho, someone has a smart mouth on him today, doesn't he? Maybe someone should watch it before they end up dunked in the fountain,” Tap said warningly, a mischievous glint in his eye.

“Oh no, I'm so worried,” Dane clutched his chest and tried to look scared, his clowning provoking Tap. He let out a squawk of alarm when Tap leapt up and grabbed him around the waist to throw him over his shoulder in a fireman's carry. Tap walked quickly toward the fountain in the center of the courtyard that was surrounded by students sitting on the rim and talking.

“Okay, look out, coming through, man on a mission here. Got someone who needs a cool off,” Tap boomed in a loud and boisterous voice. Students scrambled out of the way, laughing and pointing at poor Dane who was blushing as he struggled ineffectually to get down. Tap was just lifting him off his shoulders as if he was going to drop him in the fountain when a smooth female voice lifted above the sounds of the laughing crowd.

“Tap Leeran, if you drop that boy in that fountain I will tell your mother!”

Tap quickly put on an innocent face as he turned to look at the girl threatening him with while still holding Dane in his arms. Dane was too mortified to do anything but stay still with his eyes closed. “I wasn't doing anything,” Tap protested in a faked injured tone.

“Sure you weren't. So, if that's the case then why is that poor guy draped across your shoulders like a scarf?”

“Oh, umm... uh...” Tap tried to think of a good answer as he bent down and put Dane on his feet gently.

“That's what I thought,” the girl who had been speaking walked up to Dane from the circle the crowd had formed and put her arm through his. “C'mon Dane, let's go sit down and I'll teach you how to quell this big lug,”

“Aww, Neri, don't be like that,” Tap whined. She sniffed disdainfully and swept them back toward the picnic table with a dignified expression as she ignored Tap. She winked conspiratorially at Dane where Tap couldn't see causing him to blink in surprise. Dane was a bit confused by the rapid turn of events but followed in her wake meekly as he was dragged along by the grip she had on his arm. Neri pushed Dane down at his plate and sat down next to him making Tap take the bench across the table.

“Be like what? Expect you to behave and not act like a hulking caveman?” she asked haughtily.

“I was just playing around,” Tap pouted.

“And embarrassing poor Dane. Did you think about that?” she asked; her eyebrow raised and her head cocked. Tap's face paled when he thought of how upset the normally quiet and shy guy might be and he looked apologetically at Dane.

“I'm sorry; really, I didn't mean to upset you,” he said quickly in a hang dog voice, looking at Dane pleadingly with sad eyes and a mournful expression.

“I'm not upset. It's okay, really,” Dane assured him.

“Really?” Tap asked as his eyes widened and his smile started to break out of the doleful expression his face was trying so hard to maintain.

“Really,” Dane smiled at Tap, unable to resist the soft look in his eyes. He had been embarrassed but he wasn't mad. That embarrassment was probably the only thing that kept him from popping a tent in his pants the second he had been slung across those firm shoulders, especially with one hot hand clamped so firmly on the back of his thigh.

“Whew. See, Neri, I told you he wasn't mad,” Tap said, one of his mega watt smiles erasing all signs of his previous distress.

“Yeah, you were so sure. That's why you babbled out that apology so fast,” Neri laughed at him and Tap looked at her with a glare before dissolving into laughter himself.

“So, Neri, Dane. Dane, Neri,” Tap introduced the two with a sweeping gesture of his hand between the two. “Neri's been my best friend since I was 10,” he explained to Dane.

“Yep, years of suffering on my part trying to curb the antics of this troublemaker. Do you know he was already 5'7” at that age? He was like a giant even then. I've been looking out for him ever since,” Neri confided in a mock whisper to Dane.

“Hey, it's not my fault you're a shrimp. Everyone is tall compared to you,” Tap protested. It was true; Neri was even shorter than Dane's 5'5”. She maybe was 5'1” on a good day, slim and elfin in appearance. She had the most amazing long graceful hands though; something Dane had noticed when she grabbed his arm and as she moved them in the air in flowing emphasis when she spoke.

“Watch it Mister! Let's not get talking about shrimpy things,” Tap blushed scarlet and muttered carefully under his breath as he looked away. Neri looked triumphant for a moment before she dismissed the quelled Tap with a flick of her fingers and turned to Dane, “So, you going to the game tonight? It's with Laurelhurst Academy; we have a serious rivalry with them so this is one of the biggest games of the season,”

“Yeah, I was thinking about it,” Dane told her.

“Great! I'll be there playing the flute in the band before the game and during half-time but we'll sit together during,” Neri told him, blithely assuming that was what he would want to do. Dane just smiled at her, going along with it and just happy he would have someone to sit by. They continued to chat until the bell rang a few minutes later, sending Dane and Neri into the main building and Tap jogging off to the gym.

The game that afternoon was good. Tap played most of it as the behind home plate, catching a pop up foul ball and tagging out 2 players as they attempted to score. He didn't score but he made it on base several times when he came up to bat. Dane didn't really go for sports but he enjoyed the game, cheering with Neri each time Tap made a play or hit the ball. It was 6:30 when the game ended and Dane stayed with Neri for a little bit until her mom picked her up.

"Do you want a ride Dane?" Neri asked him, rolling down her window in the car as he started walking across the street away from campus.

"No, it's okay, I don't live far," Dane didn't want anyone knowing where he lived or meeting his dad. Neri's mom was looking at him curiously from the driver seat and he avoided her look. "Really, it’s okay, I'm fine,"

"If you're sure," Neri said.

"I'm sure. See you later," said Dane, “Thanks for hanging out with me at the game tonight,”

Neri waved goodbye as her mom drove away. Dane took off toward home before it could get any later. He was walking up the driveway just a little after 7:00 pm when he looked up and his heart almost stopped. His dad's car was in front of the garage a good hour before he should have been home. Which meant he most likely had his client dinner canceled and had been home all evening. Not only was Dane not home when he was supposed to be but he hadn't made dinner either. His knees shook and a cold sweat instantly dribbled down his back. He was hyperventilating, gasping in a vain attempt to draw in enough air. He didn't want to go inside, he just didn't.

Dane would never know what force finally got him moving toward the front door but he walked in a fog, trying to separate himself from his body to distance himself from the pain he knew he would shortly be feeling. His dad was waiting in the entry hall, hulking over Dane and roaring at him. Dane did the pleading that never helped him avoid the beating but seemed to please Alan enough to sometimes calm him partially. This time it was if the several days that Alan had left Dane alone had built up a pressure that exploded in a violent beating. Several of the stripes from the rubber hose landed on the same spot repeatedly causing instant purple bruising and welts. When his arm finally got tired Alan stepped back from the boy he'd pinned against the wall with his much larger body. Dane sank to the floor, his body shaking too hard to stand and held back the cries of pain he felt hovering in his throat burning to get out. His dad stood over him in disgust as Dane cowered, flinching when he got kicked a few times in his still sore ribs and ordered to go make dinner.

Sobbing silently Dane shakily pulled himself up the wall and stumbled into the kitchen to make a quick meal of spaghetti and buttered bread and put the food on the table. He went to sit down; steeling himself for the pain he knew would be sharp as a flash of lightning as he came in contact with the wood chair. Just before he could sit down his dad barked at him, “What do you think you're doing? Get out of here. You don't deserve to eat my food,”

Dane looked at his father dumbly, not even dodging the blow to the side of his head. “Get out of my sight! If I see you again tonight I'll throw you outside to sleep where you deserve,” Alan ordered harshly.

Dane didn't dare try and sneak anything from the kitchen to eat so he just crept into the front hall to get his backpack and then scurried up the stairs as quickly and silently as his battered body would allow. He could feel the heat radiating from the stripes he'd earned for his stupidity. He gingerly peeled the jeans down his lean legs and twisted to see as much as he could even though that pulled the tender skin that felt hot and swollen along his back and shoulders. Big fat tears rolled down his face and Dane curled up in his bed facing the door, hugging a pillow to his chest. His body hurt, his heart hurt and there was nothing he could do about it. If he thought that he could stand the pain and do it right he would kill himself just to stop the misery but Dane knew that he wouldn't be able to pull it off. Besides, in some ways that was taking the coward’s way out. Dane may be too weak to fight off his dad but he was not a weak person. He wouldn’t let himself be.

Worn out from the emotionally and physically exhausting day he fell asleep in just his underwear on top of his covers, unable to bear even the light blanket and sheet atop his damaged body. He must have rolled on to his back at one point in the night and been too tired for the pain to register enough to wake him up. The rubbing of his blanket against the welts and bruises on his tender back was a stinging burn that made him gasp when the growing light fell across his face bringing him out of the tender dream he had tried so hard to hold on to.

The arms that had gently surrounded him and soothed him reminded him of the only times he had felt safe. He had been dreaming of his mother and then the arms had turned harder, warmer and yet brought that same sense of peace. Dane rolled onto his side and bit back a sob when he realized that his mom's funeral was in just a few short hours. It was going to be horrible but he had no choice in the matter. He had to go, if only to say goodbye to her in the only way he was allowed.

He got dressed into his black suit his mom had bought for him last year and combed his hair neatly. He had ironed his clothes on Thursday and the pants and shirt felt like sandpaper on his super sensitive skin. The hard wood benches of the pews at the memorial service made him feel like each bruise was bone deep, it was almost a relief when the service ended and the small group of mourners moved from the church to the graveside.

After the classic ashes to ashes, dust to dust passage was read by the pastor the casket draped with a chain of daisies, his mom's favorite flower, was lowered into the gaping hole that waited in the ground before them. Dane's dad ushered him to their car by his shoulder. The doctor and staff at the hospital, a few friends of his mother's and the pastor all shook his dad's hand and expressed their condolences, viewing the physical connection with an air of relief that the pair would have each other to lean on now that the woman in their lives was gone. They didn't realize the grip was bruising and controlling, not comforting. It was all Dane could do not to writhe as the punishing fingers dug into the bruises they had made the night before.

Dane stayed silent through everything, burying the physical pain deep inside to hide along with the emotional pain of losing the only person who had loved him. He looked out his window at the mound of dirt yet to be smoothed over that marked his mother's grave as they slowly drove away, placing one finger on the window as if to touch it. He said a final silent goodbye, closing his eyes after it was finally out of sight, blotting out the rest of the world that continued to move on as if the death that meant so much to him had no impact at all.

The rest of the weekend Dane tried to avoid his dad who had at least gone back in the office for a few hours on Sunday to make up for some of the hours he'd missed arranging his wife's funeral. Dane took advantage of his absence and crept downstairs and made a few sandwiches and grabbed some granola bars and an apple, sneaking them up to his room for later. He did his homework and studied ahead a little, trying to keep himself from thinking about the mess his life had become. At least tomorrow was a school day; he could see Tap and maybe Neri would talk to him too. He went to bed that night, clutching the slim comfort his new friends gave him like a life preserver in the ocean of misery his life had become.