Enigma II. Fighting the Man - 22. Chapter 22 - Going Home

SILVER.

Oh. How did I get here? I don’t remember coming here. I don’t remember finding a park. It’s pretty here... and quiet. If it wasn't so cold it would be... it would... “Ow.” My head hurts. It hurts so much. I feel... I feel... Uh oh.

It hurts to be sick. I haven’t eaten anything for ages and the only thing in my stomach to come out, is the alcohol I drank last night and it burns even more coming up than it did going down. Everything is spinning. I feel out of control.

Where the hell am I? Feeling more clear headed I manage to get to my feet and look around. I’m outside, in a park in what looks like early morning. It’s been very hot lately but today it is dull and overcast. A light rain has soaked me and is making me shiver with cold. For a blissful moment I have no idea what happened, why I am here, and then the memory of last night slams into me and I slump to the ground again.

I am all alone. River is gone, Sam is gone, Ben is gone and I am alone, all alone. They hate me because I am a whore. I am worthless. I am hopeless. I am not normal and I can't live among normal people any more.

A strange sense of calm creeps over me. The pain is still very real. The physical and the mental pain. But it is somehow muted. It’s pushed to the back of my mind because now I have something else to focus on. I am here, out here in the big wide world, a world I have been so afraid of for so long, a world full of people who terrify me and I am alone.

I have to get out of here. I have to find somewhere, somewhere to make a new home. I know where I want to go but I have no idea how to get there.

I am not going to get anywhere by sitting here on the floor. I have to move. I have to walk. If I stay here then I will get afraid again... more afraid, I will remember and I will hurt and I won’t be able to move. I feel almost paralysed now, the fear is crippling me and the pain... the pain permeates everything. I hurt. Oh God I hurt. What am I going to do? What am I...?

No. I have to push aside the pain. I have to go on. I have to get up and go on. But I hurt. I have never hurt so much, felt so lost. After everything that has happened to me, I never thought that I could feel like this. I can’t bear it.

Yes I can bear it. I have to bear it. I have to go on. I have to... Why? Why do I have to go on? I have nothing. I am nothing. I have no one. I am alone. Why should I go on? Why shouldn’t I...? What? What else can I do? I can’t go back. I can’t stay here. I have to go on. Yes, I have to go on.

Go on to where? I know. I know where I have to go. I have to go home.

At first, it’s quite hard to walk. I am cold and wet and sick. But it gets easier after a while. There are only a few people in the park, probably because it’s raining. I don’t have a coat and I am cold. People look at me as I pass and their looks scare me. I wonder idly if this is the same park that I came to with River after... Shit. No. Don’t think about River. When I think about River it hurts too much and I almost fall down. Think of the future. Think about going home.

Outside the park are streets and the streets are full of people. I hover at the gate and look out at them. I saw a film. In the film there was a boy. He was standing on the edge of a river and he was afraid to get in because he might get swept away. I don’t remember what happened in the film but I feel just like that boy. I am scared to take a step because once I do the river of people will sweep me away.

“Hey you. Get the fuck out of the way. You’re blocking the gate. What are you, a druggie or something? Move your sorry arse or I’ll move it for you.”

I turn around and realise that the man with the bicycle is talking to me. His eyes are bulging and he looks angry. Why is he angry with me? What have I done?

“Are you simple? A fucking retard? Get. Out. Of. The. Way.” I blink at him but finally get the message that he wants me to move out of his way so he can go through the gate. I step aside and, as he passes he pushes me roughly aside. I stumble and fall against a tree. There is a broken branch and it sticks into my back. It hurts.

Blinking back tears, I push myself away from the tree and stumble back onto the path. Now I have a new hurt. I flex my shoulders and the pain is dull. It makes me feel a bit more sick and I will probably have a bruise but it’s not too bad, not compared to the pain inside.

Taking a deep breath I step into the flood and am swept away. Fighting with my fear I wander, letting myself be carried on the waves, until I find myself in a street that seems somehow familiar. I look around and smile broadly with relief. This is where I need to be. This is home.

I have never been here before, I know that but still the shops, the bars, the people are familiar. No one stares at me here. No one judges with their eyes, except perhaps to weigh up who or what I might be. They are all freaks here, in one way or another.

I walk along the street thoughtfully. I have been to places like this before and I know what to look for. I want something that looks clean, as if the people inside care about the place they live. I want something large or there will be no requirement for my particular skills. I am not interested in just sex, not now, not yet.

I finally find what I am looking for. It is a large bar, at the corner of the street. It’s called, rather pretentiously ‘Théâtre de la vie’ and there is a sense of false opulence about the garish sign that is tempered by the olde worlde theme of the leaded bay windows and solid oak doors. It is not possible to look through the windows because they are blacked out.

The oak door swings easily open and I take a deep breath. At this point I am probably as frightened as I have ever been. I know I am on a threshold. I know what I am leaving behind but absolutely no idea what lies ahead. If I could I would flee into my safe place, so deep inside my head that I would never come out again, but some sense of self preservation prevents it and makes me take that step.

I am enveloped by cool darkness. The room is large, very large, and divided into booths. The bar itself is huge and looks as if it has been carved from a single oak tree. The surface is highly polished and glass sparkles over and behind it. The only smell is of fresh polish and fresh beer. Good. I have found that those who look after their premises also look after those who work there.

I walk towards the bar with more confidence than I feel and a good looking young barman approaches with a spark of interest in his bored eyes. Apart from me there is no one in the bar.

“I want to speak to the owner please.”

“You do? And why do you think he would want to speak to you?”

“Because if he doesn’t he will never know what I wanted and what he’s missed.”

“You sound very sure of yourself.”

“I am.” And I am. This is familiar territory at last and I am already beginning to relax, to feel at home. I know exactly what will be expected of me here and I know full well that I will not disappoint.

“What do you think you have to offer him?” For all his lazy, disinterested tone the boy is interested, I know it. I know this game.

“I know that what I have to offer him is an opportunity that is really not going to want to pass up.”

“Well why don’t you give me some idea of what it is and then I’ll be able to better pass on your message.”

“Well then, why don’t you come over to this side of the bar and I’ll show you.” I’m putting on a show now. This is all part of the game, the build up, the display. I know what to say, I know what to do and I know that when I do it there is no way they will just watch me walk away. This is only an underling, a nothing really in the blueprint of my plan but if I impress him enough he will be enthusiastic taking my message to his master.

The boy’s eyes widen in surprise. I know that he was flirting with me and wasn't expecting an open invitation. He still doesn’t expect me to carry through.

“I might just do that beautiful. What makes you think it would be worth my while?”

I put my hands flat on the bar and raise myself up leaning over towards him. I see his eyes widen even further but he doesn’t pull away. When I kiss him he starts to respond but then freezes as I go to work on him in earnest. By the time I pull away he is shaking. I lower myself back to the floor and smile pleasantly at him.

“So, do you want any more demonstration of what I have to offer?”

I am fully expecting him to take me up on my offer but he shies away and scuttles off down the bar and disappears.

I hum to myself while I am waiting. I feel relaxed, calm and sure of myself for the first time in ages. I know that this is my home now. I know this place. I can feel it. I can smell it. I can remember it.

“Tony wants you to go through to the members only section. It’s private there so you can... talk.”

“Thank you.” I flash him my brightest smile and he winces.

Tony is younger that I expected and a lot less seedy. He is a heavily built man in his mid to late forties, dressed casually in clothes that whilst not being designer as such, have a certain quality.

He observes me calmly through half closed eyes, weighing me up like a horse at a horse fayre.

“Ammon says you have some talent. Is that why you’re here? Looking for a job?”

“No.” I move across the floor with as much grace as I can muster. I am blatantly putting on a show and he knows it. He stays cool thought which is impressive. “I am looking for a home.”

“A home is it? And what makes you think that I would want to provide you with one.”

“This.” I murmur. I am close now, so close I can smell his cologne. It’s not cheap and neither is it overwhelming. I have made the right decision.

After about five minutes he gasps and grunts. “Enough.” Within moments he has collapsed onto the chair regarding the wet patch on his trousers and wondering what the hell happened. He stares up at me with dazed eyes.

“Can you dance?” He gasps. I am slightly surprised by the request but I’m pleased enough to nod assent. “Show me.” He nods towards the other side of the room and I am surprised to see a stage that I had not noticed before. It is a big old fashioned one with gold fringed red drapes.

Unselfconsciously I strip off my clothes and climb up onto the stage. I flex my muscles feeling free as I haven’t felt since... I smile to myself. How ironic. I have not felt so free since I was freed from slavery. How fickle is life.

When I dance I forget everything. Where I am, who I am, everything but the dance. My body flows through the moves and I am lost in the music that exists only in my head. At first I don’t even hear his voice as he calls to me.

“Enough. Enough. I have seen enough. Get dressed and come down here.”

Feeling a little stunned as I always do when I have danced, and still dizzy from the alcohol I struggle to pull on my damp clothes and jump down from the stage. Now that I have ‘done my thing’ I am feeling nervous again, nervous and afraid. It never enters my head to think that he will not take me, of course he will. Now that I have proved myself I am his. This I know. I am back in my element, in the life I know. But the thing is, I am now realising, that although I am familiar with this world I am only familiar with half of it and his next question throws me completely.

“How much are you looking for?”

“How much...?” I am confused. I don’t have the first idea what he’s asking me. I struggle with it but no... there is nothing there that fits into my frame of reference.

“Money, boy. How much money are you intending to charge for your... services?”

“Money?” I am still struggling. A slow smile spreads over his face and a strange look creeps into his eyes.

“Boy, I don’t know where you came from but I think that we are going to be the best of friends. But first we need to do business. If you give me your skills and services; what do you want from me in return?”

“Oh. I think I understand. I would like... a home.”

“That’s all? Just a home? A place to sleep and food to eat?”

The surprise on his face makes me feel brave and unthinkably I make a request, just for myself. “And... I like to paint. I would like... I would like... supplies... paper, paint, canvasses...” He stares at me and I am scared. Have I gone too far? Will he beat me now?

When he laughs I almost fall on the floor with shock. I was expecting a blow and what I get is a laugh?

“Give it a few days. If you please me, you may have anything you want.”

Relief flows through me and a big stupid grin spreads over my face. I feel calm and at peace. I am safe. I am home.

“Alright, well let’s get you settled.” He frowns for a moment. “Most of the boys here stay in a dormitory... one big room together... but you.” He shakes his head. “I have a feeling that you are going to be special, very special indeed. You shall have your own room, although you will need to share the bathroom and we all eat together. Is that alright?”

Alright? It’s the most amazing thing I have ever heard. “Yes.”

“Okay. Ariel.” He calls and a shadow detaches itself from the others at the back of the room. The room is a large one and it is dimly lit. I hadn’t given the shadows a second thought. I hadn’t thought there would be others watching. Ah well, I’m used to that.

The shadow that approaches is impossibly small. Surely it can’t be human. It must be come kind of faery.

The faery steps into the light and I can’t help the gasp that slips from my lips. I have never seen anything so strange or so beautiful. He is small, but not as small as I had thought. He was so silent, so smooth in his movements. He seems to glide. When he approaches I can see that he is about a foot shorter than myself, reaching to my breastbone. But I am tall.

His hair is silver, falling in waves to below his waist. He is the one who truly deserves the name that was given to me. His eyes are so blue that they were the first things visible, the only colour there is in him anywhere. He smiles at me, his eyes locked with mine, his slender body moving closer in sinuous, silent motion as I stand transfixed.

When he is close enough, he raises a tiny hand, flashing with silver rings and bracelets, and touches my face. His smile lights up the cold elfin face and I find myself falling into it.

“Ariel. That’s enough. Show... Oh... I never asked you your name.”

I blink and find that I am inches away from kissing him. How did that happen? I stand up straight and stare numbly at the man. He grins.

“You have to be careful of him... he’s a witch. He’ll have you falling hopelessly in love with him if you’re not careful, but it won’t do you any good. He’s the ice queen. So be warned. I was asking your name.”

“My... oh... my name? It’s Si... Um... Matthew. It’s Matthew.”

He narrows his eyes but then smiles. “I don’t care who you are or where you came from... Matthew. Here, you can be whoever you want.”

My heart gives a little jump. River said that to me once. I can be whoever I want. But that’s not what I want.

“I would prefer to be whatever you want.” I purr and lowering my head, look up at him through my hair, smiling my ‘special smile’. He looks slightly dazed and then he laughs.

“Be careful, Ariel. You may have met your match. Take him to his room, one of the ones near the dorm... a nice one.”

“As you wish.” His voice is like honey, but cold, like the rest of him. But his smile seems genuine and I am happy to follow him.

“He won’t be working tonight will he? You’ll give him time to settle.”

The Master looks at me with a calculating look on his face. “I don’t know. I want to put him through his paces as soon as possible. It’s one thing to perform in a private room for one person, another to do it in a room full of people, especially the kind of people we have here. Maybe just a dance. What you do you think Matthew?”

“Think?”

“Do you think you are up to dancing tonight?”

“Is that what you wish?”

The man frowns and that look intensifies. “It’s what I wish.”

“Then, of course.” I shrug. Why would he ask? He is my Master now. It’s not for me to decide, not any more.