Escaping the Pain - 11. Chapter 11

But all day Dane had been waiting for Tap to bring up the whole gay thing. He had figured he'd have questions or opinions or just something, anything. The longer the topic failed to come up the more anxious he got about what Tap was thinking or feeling. He could admit it to himself now; he had a big crush on Tap. He had always liked the look of a tall strong jock but the only ones who had ever known what he was had been prone to stuffing him in lockers and beating him if he so much as glanced at them in the locker room. But that didn't change his attraction a single bit. Something about how much bigger they were and their firm muscles made him want to drool.

When it had sounded like Tap had told Neri Dane had been reminded of the way the jocks had made sure to inform anyone around him of his queer status. Add that to how groggy he was and his anxiety over the whole gay issue and it had been a recipe for a meltdown. Neri had shocked him when she laid into him and his anger had melted away to be replaced by a feeling of shame. He should have trusted Tap; he was a really good guy.

Dane longed to get up and go look for him but he couldn't even get out of bed to use the bathroom by himself so he wasn't going anywhere. He hoped that Neri would be able to find Tap and convince him to come back. Dane wouldn't blame him if he was too angry but he hoped Tap would give him a chance to apologize and explain, even if Dane hadn't given Tap that courtesy. Dane was still twisting and folding the sheet as he tried to come up with a good enough apology when he heard a knock on his door.

Dane looked up, his eyes wide as he tried to hold in the tears and a tremulous smile on his face, expecting to see Tap. Instead he saw an older woman dressed in slacks and a blouse with giant purple flowers on it that screamed tacky. Her hair was light gray, cut short and her eyes were hidden behind a pair of glasses that perched on her small nose. "Hi Daniel, can I come in?"

Dane was looking at her trying to figure out who she was. She wasn't wearing a uniform or nametag. He nodded, "I guess."

Stepping up to his bed she transferred the file folder to her right hand and held out her left for him to shake with his good right hand. "My name is Mrs. Elecampane but you can call me Mrs. E. I am your case worker from Social Services."

Dane had looked very vulnerable before she introduced herself but as soon as she mentioned social services any vestige of expression on his face disappeared. Every vestige of emotion was hidden away. He nodded mechanically at her but when he pulled his hand back it crossed over his chest to grip the hospital gown over the left side of his ribs in a tight fist. Mrs. E was typically given the teenager cases, for some reason she got through to many of them where other case workers failed. The office manager had taken one look at the slim file and calls made into another office in the last town the Kendricks had lived in and had instantly assigned her the case.

Unfortunately her investigation was running concurrent with a criminal investigation. That wasn't something unknown to her either but still, it wasn't good. Mrs. E decided to plunge ahead. "Daniel, I need to talk to you about your dad. I need you to tell me exactly what is going on at home so that I can make a recommendation to the judge about where you need to be placed until you reach 18, sometime in the fall." Mrs. E looked at her file, "Yes, October, right?"

Dane nodded, and then took a deep breath before asking, "What do you want to know about my dad?"

"Why don't you tell me about what has been happening since your mom died first," Mrs. E suggested.

Dane's shoulders hunched in a bit and he closed his eyes at the reminder. He bit his lip and gave a bit of a shudder. 'Mrs. E' was not his friend, he knew that, but she might be able to help him. He decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, for now. So he told her what she asked. He talked about the chores and cooking, the casual blows and the more painful beatings for the smallest infraction of his father's rules. He even told her about the slurs and insults for being gay. He almost held that part back but he figured his file contained the police report with his dad's comments about him being gay, not that he'd ever use that term, Dane snorted as he thought to himself when he finished talking.

Mrs. E hadn’t interrupted while he talked, writing in a notepad she produced from the bag at her side. She had taken Tap's seat, turning it to face Dane in his bed. She clicked her pen off and slid the writings into her bag again before Dane could get a peek at what she had been so industriously scribbling. Folding her hands she just looked at him compassionately, restraining the urge to hug the poor boy. Most of her kids didn't appreciate the physical contact, lacking any sort of trust with adults in almost any situation, much less one as nerve inducing as this.

"I can't tell you what the judge will decide but my recommendation is going to be that your dad's parental rights be severed. Unfortunately, right now I don't really have any answers for you. I'm sure you are wondering what will happen to you and where you will go. I talked to Dr. Wickels before I came in and he thinks that you should stay here for a few more days so that they can keep an eye on you and let you get started on physical therapy. He wants you to be able to move around a little better before you are released. We should know more by Monday though."

Dane was relieved to be done; he hated talking about what his dad had been doing to him. He was both relieved and nervous to know that nothing was going to happen in the next few days. He was still so tired and his body hurt. He couldn't imagine what it would feel like when the therapists got a hold of him and started making him get out of bed. Dane dreaded that, knowing it would be painful but maybe it would distract him from his many worries. "Will I have to see my dad during all this?"

Mrs. E didn't like the look of fear on his face but she wasn't about to lie to one of her charges. "Most likely,"

** ** ** ** ** ** **

Tap burst into Dane's room, not bothering to knock but he had only gone in a few feet when he stopped suddenly. Dane was talking to some woman and had the same look on his face that he did any time he saw his dad. It was impassive, blank but Tap could see the fear lurking in his eyes and in the tight way he held his mouth. Uh oh. This couldn't be good. At least he wasn't glaring at Tap or yelling at him anymore. He would be happy if Dane just let him tell him what he was feeling but obviously now was not going to be a good time.

"Uh, sorry to interrupt. I'll come back later," Tap said. His eyes were wary as he looked at Dane but he couldn't help the smile that broke across his face when Dane looked up from where he was mangling his sheet and gave him that big beautiful smile that always took Tap's breath away. The pair just looked at each other; eyes locked, in a long moment where neither was aware of anything but the other, not even Mrs. E.

She was watching though. She had seen next to no emotion from Dane other than fear the entire time he spoke about his life and his parents but the second this guy walked into the room he lit up. She could tell that he had forgotten she was even there and that gave her a glimpse into the person Dane was when he didn't feel threatened and afraid. He was the person Dane deserved to be, not the shut down teen that she has witnessed. 'Hmm, I think this is my cue to go,' she thought to herself. It was her gathering her bag and actually standing up that broke the tableau between the oblivious pair.

"I think I'll be going now. Remember what I said, Daniel. I'll be back in a few days. The hospital has my number if you feel you need to talk to me for any reason." Tap was watching her but Dane just nodded; he was completely unable to take his eyes of Tap's face. His initial surge of happiness had faded a bit and Dane was biting his lip now that his initial reaction had passed, no longer quite so happy. Mrs. E patted his hand and then walked out, leaving the pair alone.

"Uh, I um…"

"Tap, I'm really…"

Both started talking and stopped at the same time, a flush creeping across Dane's face and Tap gave one of his funny crooked smiles. There was a bit of an awkward pause while each waited for the other to start talking. Dane braced himself to start, wanting to get out his apology before Tap could say anything.

"How about I start?"

"Okay," Tap took the chair Mrs. E had been sitting in and moved it closer, turning it so he sat near Dane's knees and faced him.

Dane took a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I freaked out and I didn't listen to you when you tried to tell me you hadn't shared my secret with Neri. She read me the riot act for that, by the way," Dane smiled and shook his head. "I should have given you a chance; all you have ever done was try to help me. The doctor said you saved my life by giving me that cell phone and calling 911. I should be thanking you and all I did was give you a hard time. I can't even begin to repay you for all you've done."

"I would never want you to," Tap reached over and claimed Dane's hand to still its anxious fiddling. "I only ever wanted to be your friend. I don't need or want anything from you except your friendship in return. I want you to be happy; you've never seemed very happy."

Dane was listening to Tap but a big part of his attention was focused on Tap's hot hand gently stroking his. He didn't shy away from him because he was gay and Dane relished the gentle contact. It was something he hadn’t felt in a while. "I guess not. I mean, the whole thing with my dad, plus my mom dying was bad, but…"

Tap cocked his head, "But?"

"Mostly, around you, I was anxious. Being around you makes me think about…" Dane paused, unsure of how to continue.

"About?" Tap was trying to draw Dane out, not wanting to make any assumptions or have any misunderstandings between them.

Dane closed his eyes and shook his head, "I really hate remembering the last year but, well, it might explain some stuff about me and how I reacted earlier. I had this friend named Trent. We'd known each other for years, been in school together, we lived on the same street even," Dane gave a self-deprecating snort in disgust as he remembered and tried to find words to explain what he had done.

"You know, that sounds just like a lot of those teen coming out stories I used to read on the computer when I was home alone. I couldn't get enough of them. You know the ones where the gay kid tells his best friend he’s a poof all the while counting on their relationship to be enough to keep them friends. Either that or the friend admits he's gay too and has always wanted him as well and they fall in bed completely in love and happy... yeah, right! Of course the other way that story seems to go is the friend is horrified and pissed and takes it out on the poor kid in the worst way possible."

"I always thought, Duh, that wasn't a really good friend then. Obviously the gay kid missed all the homophobic signs that must have been there and was a complete idiot. People just don't surprise you like that," Dane waved his hand in the air, "anyway, I'm getting off track. See, we had just found out that my mom would most likely lose her battle with the cancer. I was devastated. My mom was my rock. She had always been there for me and I had to stand by helplessly and watch this disease take her life away. I fell apart and Trent took me back to his place to give my parents some time alone."

"He lay down with me on his bed and just let me cry until I fell asleep. He was still hugging me when I woke up about an hour later and when he smiled at me I must have completely lost my mind. I'd always kind of had a thing for the strong jock type and I had a huge crush on him that I did my best to hide. He was so sweet, talking me through everything and rocking me that I just didn't even think about it. I stretched up and kissed him," Dane said.

"That was when I became the idiot gay kid. He shoved me away completely disgusted and started yelling at me; calling me a sick fag and a pervert. I froze on the floor unable to move I was that scared. He didn’t look like the Trent I knew, he looked like some sort of raging demon. I'd never admitted to anyone that I was gay and now? I was terrified. I had good reason to be. In shock I didn't hear him roar at me to leave but that first step he took toward me with those big fists was all it took. I somehow got to my feet and ran."

Dane was breathing hard, telling this part of the story was the worst. "I thought maybe he'd keep it to himself out of the sake of our old friendship but of course he didn't. He told all the guys on his lacrosse team and they began to make my life a living hell. Every time I walked the halls at school I got insults hissed behind me or to my face. Every day I faced constant shoves and body checks into the lockers. None of my friends would talk to me, either they were disgusted with me for being a fag or afraid if they were seen near me they would get the same treatment." Tap tightened his grip on Dane's hand and Dane gave him a sad smile. The overhead lights shined on the tears in his eyes.

"I went home every afternoon and tried to bury it, be cheerful for my mom and a good son for my dad. I couldn't play sports like he did but bringing home good grades had always gotten me vague approval. It was a few weeks later when mid-term report cards came out that my dad came into my room. My mom was at the hospital for a few days, she'd gotten an infection. The principal had sent home a letter about the bullying at school and the reason. Well, you know my dad's reaction. That was the first time he beat me," Dane admitted, tears beginning to fall down his face silently. He was still breathing hard and starting to shake, the memory of those times was still a raw wound inside of him that had never healed. He pulled his hand back from Tap and tried wiping the tears off his face but they just kept dripping down despite his attempts to stop them.

"It's why I didn't talk to anyone when I started school here. I was afraid I would do something stupid again and people would find out and it would start all over again. I didn’t like it but school was my refuge from the beatings at home. I tried to stay away from everyone but you..."

"Wouldn't take no for an answer." Tap finished for him.

"No," Dane sat up in the bed, wincing as he moved his broken arm too quickly. He grabbed Tap's strong forearm and held it tight, "I don't mean it like that. You saw me; you talked to me when no one else did. I still don't know why you did that."

Tap rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. "Well I guess that brings up my part of all of this. Neri read me the riot act too; she said I should have talked to you before now and this morning would never have happened. She's right, it was my fault."

"No, Tap, that's what I was trying to explain. I acted like you were Trent and that wasn't fair. You'd never hurt me," Dane said.

"I'm glad you think so. I wouldn't on purpose, I promise." Tap took a deep breath, "I'm glad you don't think I'm like that guy, Trent. Cause I'd never have pushed you away." Tap was looking hard at Dane now, his warm brown eyes meeting Dane's still wet hazel ones and he stared, trying to make sure Dane really got what he was saying.

"I know you wouldn't, you've always been really gentle with me. But you don't have to worry about me kissing you Tap." Dane looked away, wishing he could do just that even though he never would. He would not abuse Tap's tolerance that way. He was the kind of person Dane wished he could be and he valued their friendship too much to ever put Tap in an awkward position like that.

Tap sighed; he was just going to have to say it. He decided to bite the bullet and just get it over with. "I'm not worried that you will kiss me," Tap said evenly, "I'm worried that you won't."

"What?" Dane's eyes flared and his mouth fell wide open. "You... you're... What?"

Tap laughed his big booming laugh drawing the attention of the nurse out at the nurse's station. "You okay in here hun?" It was Cheri, the nurse from the ER who had brought Tap to see Dane the first time. "Ahh, it's the big guy!" she smiled at Tap, "Glad to see your feet are doing better," nodding at his feet now covered in loose tennis shoes rather than white bandages.

Dane was still staring at Tap though he'd shut his mouth. His eyes were opened wide and he was thinking frantically but couldn't force any words out of his mouth. He nodded absently at Cheri but didn't respond beyond that to her questions.

"He's okay," Tap assured her when she looked at him questioningly. "I think I just threw his mind for a loop."

"Well stop that!" she scolded him before she left the room, shaking her head.

Tap was smirking at her back as she walked out the door. The smile on his face disappeared as he looked at Dane who had managed to lose the shocked expression on his face. Now he just looked really mad.

"That's not funny Tap!" Dane frowned at him, his eyes stormy with all the conflicting emotions inside him. He'd opened up to Tap and here he was teasing him. Even if he wasn't trying to be mean it was hurtful. He wanted nothing more than what Tap was saying to be true but there was no way his luck was that good.

"I'm not trying to be funny," Tap said in a quiet voice.

"Damn it! I said knock it off, how can you..."

Tap stood up suddenly and leaned over the bed, carefully cradling Dane's face with his hands. He locked eyes again, trying to get Dane to see him, to see how he really felt. "I'm not joking," was all Tap said before he gently stroked his mouth over the soft lips he had been craving since the moment the two had met. He pressed his lips against Dane’s twice, three times before he let out a sharp breath and slid his hands down onto Dane’s neck and gently pressed him into the pillow. Tap flicked his tongue across Dane’s mouth in a quick swipe before he pulled back to smile in a sweet, gentle way that Dane had never seen before.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

Dane was unable to say a word.