Damphir - 7. Chapter 7

“Aargh.” Oh God. Oh God it hurts. Nothing has ever hurt more, ever. And I am afraid, I am so very, very afraid. What happened? What happened to me? Oh, right. I remember. “My wing!” Struggling hard to sit up I am restrained by a hand between my shoulder blades pushing me into the bed. “No...no...”

“It’s alright Glory. Lie still. It’s going to be alright.”

Fougue’s voice. I can’t trust him, not any more. But... but... My mind is a little confused, befuddled by shock and pain, but I remember the Circus. They’re going to sell me to a Circus. Pure terror rises and it almost overwhelms me, makes me feel sick. No, don’t lose it now, not now. Now more than ever I have to stay calm and clear. Look... if they are going to sell me to a Circus they are going to want me in perfect condition, like Valentine said. They are not going to get much for me with a fucked up wing. So it makes sense that they are going do their best to heal my wing. And that suits me. If they heal me, make me strong then maybe I can get away again and next time I am going to be far more careful. I am going to fly so far and so fast that no one is going to be able to find me ever again.

I am a social being, at least cat is. I ... he likes to be around people. I have always lurked on the borders of society, risking everything just for the meagre comfort of the closeness of others. Well, maybe it’s time to move on. Maybe it’s time I literally got lost. I know I can take care of myself: I know that I can survive in the wilderness; survive better. I have all the tools I need to make it by myself in the dark woods; the fragrant woods; the silent woods.

I can almost feel the soft breeze in the branches, the whisper of the leaves and the tree spirits who dance among them. I can smell scented pine and the deep earthiness of the forest floor, soft under my padded feet. Cat can live nicely in the sun dappled dimness, eyes made for the lack of light. He can forage and feast on the small animals who are no match for his speed and ferocity in the hunt; it’s not as if I haven’t done it before. Fey can fly in the sweet air above the trees and hills and can commune with his brothers and sisters in the lakes, stones, trees; the cool summer breezes and the winter chill. Vampire will chafe for company but the others will help keep him in check. Yes, I could be happy alone. Now that I know what it is like to live with men I would prefer to live with wolves.

And so I let myself relax and close my eyes, biting my lip hard as Fougue stretches out my injured wing and gently feels along the ridges. The stretch is agonising but the fingers are gentle and don’t hurt very much. I am still lost in my dreams of freedom and what is a little pain if it sets me on the road towards the sunset over the distant, wooded hills.

“It’s not too bad. It’s twisted and you landed on something sharp; that’s what’s causing the pain. It’s torn the membrane but it’s not serious. I’m sure it must hurt like hell but in a day or so it will be fully healed.”

I can smell the distinctive smell of the ointment he used on my knees and hands. Bugger. Back to the start; and I haven’t even dealt with Sar yet. I was hoping to be at full strength before I faced him.

“You should rest. By tomorrow you should be able to retract your wings and it will feel a lot more comfortable, although the aripa caz will be extremely sore and sensitive for a few days and I would suggest that you don’t try and unfurl your wings for a week.”

Does that mean I have a week before they take me away? They will want me healed and perfect won’t they? A week to recover my strength and...

“Can you sit up, Glory?”

I suppose I can but suddenly I don’t want to. “No.”

“Try. I would like to speak to you.”

What about if I don’t want to speak to you? But what’s the point? It isn’t actually difficult to sit up. I’m a bit sore but that unbelievable pain has gone. It’s a bit difficult to sit with my wings out but it’s okay.

“What?”

“I’m sorry, Glory, truly sorry. I failed you. You were in my charge to take care of and I failed. I was hoping that you would have realised that with bullies like Valentine you need to face them full on and that help from an authority figure would only make you look weak. I thought that it would give Valentine more cause to suggest that you are less than you are. I was wrong. I should have spoken up for you before it got so out of hand.

“I had no idea how far Valentine would go to find ammunition to hurt you. I hope that you are well aware that this is mostly of Valentine’s creation. The others tend to follow but they are not vindictive and they do not hate you.”

“Yeah right.”

“Listen to me, Glory. It is most important that you listen to me and listen carefully. What Valentine said to you at dinner today was vicious, vindictive and quite untrue. Sar would never, ever trade with a Circus. He despises them and has been instrumental in hunting them down and bringing them to justice.”

Okay... Maybe I can buy that Valentine is vicious and vindictive and I KNOW that he’s been trying to get revenge for what I did to him BUT... I still don’t know if I can trust them. I mean if he had barefaced lied why hadn’t Fougue said something? Why hadn’t Rover? There was a weird vibe in that room and no one is going to persuade me THAT didn’t happen.

“Ser is a member of the Council, Glory. They are pledged to wipe out the Circuses. He’s been personally responsible for disbanding three and bringing their owners, hunters and workers to trial. Why would he go to all the trouble of bringing you here and taking care of you if he was going to hand you over to a Circus? Why would he deal with people he despises just because of you?”

“I would make him a lot of money.” I can’t look at him and he must know from the tone of my voice that I haven’t believed a word he said. He reaches out and touches my chin. Shit. What? Why is he touching me? He lifts my face to look into his eyes.

“The last thing that Ser needs is money. He has properties in just about every country in the developed world. He has vaults filled with antiques and treasures; bank accounts that run into more figures that he’d care to mention, and more trust funds than he can probably remember. He doesn’t need money. He doesn’t need anything a Circus could give him.”

Is... is he yanking my chain? Is Sar really that rich? Is he really that committed to wiping out the Circuses? Can I really believe that handing me over to one is not what he has planned for me?

“If... if he isn't intending to hand me over to a Circus then what DOES he want with me? I know that in a lot of ways I am like the others; outcasts, outsiders, people who need protection, a fair chance, and for that I would have been grateful. But why has he set me up in his room? Why has he disappeared the instant I got here? Why hasn’t been back since? I KNOW there is a connection. What does he want with me?”

“Truthfully... I don’t think he knows the answer to that question himself. It’s not for me to talk about what’s going on in Sar’s mind: no one but he could know that in any event. I do know that he cares for you.”

“Why?”

“In time you will come to know.”

“Why don’t you just tell me?”

“Because I can’t. I am not intending to confuse you, to talk in riddles, to keep you guessing. I am not keeping anything from you deliberately, Glory. The reason I am not telling you the answer to your question is because I don’t know the answer.”

“Oh.” What he says makes sense. It makes as much sense as anything else in this crazy life, this crazy place. Cat wants to believe, wants to make himself comfortable again, to be warm in front of the fire. Vampire is too proud to admit that he is worried; let alone afraid and fey... well fey doesn’t give a fuck either way. God, when did I start thinking in threes? Maybe I’m getting schizophrenic.

“Trust me Glory; no one is going to hurt you here.”

“You told me that before,” I whisper, fluttering my wing. Fougue puts a hand on my shoulder.

“I can't apologise for that Glory. I have no excuse, no platitudes and I can’t blame you one bit for being sceptical, wary, and distrustful. But I promise you that I will not let you down again. I will take care of you as I promised I would.”

“Promised who?” I have a feeling we are talking about a third party here.

“I promised Sartorian when he brought you here and I promised him again when I spoke to him a few hours ago.”

“You did?” Now here’s a turn up for the book. I wonder if he cared. “What did he say?”

“I won’t discuss the content of the conversation with you but I will say that he was not happy with the way you had been treated and my part in it, in that I didn’t stop it. I believed I had good reason: he disagreed. He is coming back tomorrow to deal with the situation himself and I would be very surprised if you had any trouble from them again.”

“Tomorrow? He’s coming back tomorrow? Here?”

Fougue smiles. I can see in his eyes that he knows. He knows the terrible dichotomy that is tearing me apart. The battle between the part of me that longs for his presence and the part of me that is terrified of it. He squeezes my shoulder. “It’s going to be alright, Glory: I promise.”

Maybe I believe him. Maybe... cat wants to. Cat wants to do anything necessary to be able to curl up in front of the fire again. Oh well... it’s simpler to do things cat’s way, so I nod and he smiles and then he leaves.

My knees are stiff again after all that running, and everything aches. The bed doesn’t feel as comfortable with my wings out so I wander around for a while. The view out of the window is fabulous: gardens stretching out almost as far as I can see, then a wall, and beyond a mountain. There is little colour because it’s dark but between them cat and vampire can see detail as well, if not better than a human could during the day.

I wonder if I have a human side. If I do it doesn’t come forward much... at all. I wonder if I would know if it did... if I know when it does. At the moment I don’t feel like cat, vamp or fey... except of course, that the fact my wings are in full manifestation is bound to make me feel a bit fey. I'm not really anything. Maybe this is the human side, what it’s like to feel human. It’s... peaceful. Not the slave of instinct like cat, or a control freak like vampire or thoughtless, careless fey. No, this is... peaceful. There are still instincts, wanting food and warmth... but not to the exclusion of all else; there is still a strong sense of self preservation and a need to be in control of myself and my environment... but not above and in preference to anything else; there is still the tendency to feel superior, thoughtless and superficial... but it’s balanced by all the rest. Maybe that’s what being human is all about... balance. Not being too far one way or another, being in perfect balance... okay imperfect balance but more than any of the others. Maybe.

I’m so tired. It’s been a long night. Stretching, I wince at the twinge in my wing but it’s not as sharp as it was before. With a sigh I walk over to the fire, which seems to remain lit permanently without anyone stoking it. Is it magic, I wonder? The rug is just as soft as it was on the first night. The chair is just as comfortable too, but with my wings out I don’t think I would be very comfortable in it.

Ahhhh... softness, warmth, the hissing, spitting fire, the creaks and groans of the sleeping house. They all weave a cocoon of comfort around me and I let cat purr until it all fades away.

Mmmm... Oh this feels good. The fire is still warm. Has it been in all night? It’s getting late, I can tell. It has to be at least late morning probably early afternoon. Who cares? Well... my stomach cares because I haven't eaten anything in ages and it’s grumbling. Hmmm someone is a mind reader. Simultaneous with the opening of the door, the smell of food assaults my nostrils.

I watch through half open eyes as Rover walks through the door carrying a tray, glances at the bed, looks surprised and then turns his head towards me with a smile on his face.

“I should have known I would have found you there.”

“Warmmmm.” I purr and he laughs.

Changing direction he walks over and puts the tray down on the floor in front of my face. Cat wants to pounce and bury his face in the glorious gravy; vamp grabs him by the back of the neck and pulls him back. Sitting up and crossing my legs I take the tray onto my lap and begin to eat more fastidiously than cat would have liked but not nearly as much as fey and vamp demand. Meh.

Oooh this is good. Someone, somewhere really knows how to cook.

Rover lets me eat, watching me in silence with a smile on his face. Then it fades and I cock my head to one side, waiting for whatever is coming.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? What for? You saved me.”

“If I hadn’t been such a bloody fool in the dining room you wouldn’t have needed saving. I was just stunned. I couldn’t believe that Valentine would say those things, and to be honest I didn’t think for one minute that you would believe him. If I had known you were believing it I would have been the first to put things right. It just... it was just so ridiculous. I forgot that you are new and don’t know the way things work, the way things are when Sar is here. It feels as if you’ve been here forever.”

Finally I can begin to relax. I did trust Rover; I do. He was the one who finally convinced me that what Valentine had said was true and now he convinces me that I was dead wrong. I manage to grin; spilling gravy over my chin which I wipe off with the back of my hand, much to fey’s disgust.

“It’s okay. I was just feeling a bit vulnerable with everyone there being so... I was sick of being made to feel like a pariah and so I was totally prepared to believe that I was one. I know it was stupid. I know I’ve been an idiot. To be honest I can't believe the lengths you went to find me.”

He looks cute when he’s embarrassed. He turns his face away.

“I couldn’t let you go back to what you had, what you were before. I couldn’t bear the thought of not knowing where you were, if you were alright. Whenever it was cold I would worry that you were freezing and all the time I would be scared that a hunter would find you, that you would be somewhere fighting for your life without me there to cover your back.”

Now it’s my turn to blush. No one has ever cared before, ever worried about whether I was cold or not; dead or alive. And I have never, never had anyone watching my back.

“The only reason you want to watch my back is so that you get a good look at my arse.”

“Of course.” He says grinning and meeting my eyes for the first time. “You won't do that again will you? You won’t run from us, from me? You’ll trust me to protect you and not let anything happen to you?”

“Yes.” The word is out before I even have time to think. My usually analytical brain completely gives way to cat’s instinct which is surprising considering how cat usually feels about wolves. “I mean no. No, I won’t do that again, yes I will trust you.”

His look becomes intense. “Good, because I swear you this, Glory; I would die before I let anyone hurt you.”

He believes it: he means it. He actually means it. He is looking into my eyes so deeply I’m sure he can see my soul and he means it. He would actually die for me; protecting me. How stupid do I feel for the tears that suddenly spring to my eyes? Carefully I set the tray down on the floor and rise to kneel in front of the chair. Rover has to lean down to get close to me.

Rover’s face is whiskery and rough, even in full human form. I rub it gently with my hand. For all it’s rough appearance it is soft and silky, like the tumbling tawny hair. Blue eyes like scoops of summer sky smile at me with such open affection it takes my breath away. No one has ever looked at me like that before. Well... maybe... maybe one but... I don’t want to think about him right now.

Keeping my eyes on Rover’s I rise up as high as I can, but even so I have to grab his hair and pull his head down to kiss him. For a wonderful, hot, gentle, sweet moment we kiss and I feel problems rise from my shoulders and I close my eyes, slipping easily into the sweet security of his warmth.

I can't help the smile into which my lips curve and I put my arms around him, unable to reach all the way. Rover puts his arms around me too and pulls me close. It feels wonderful. But I know deep down that it can't last. Cat thrusts the knowledge away, sunk totally into the moment, but Rover is aware of it too and, after a few moments pulls away.

“Fougue will be here in a little while to take a look at your wings. He said that it would probably be better if you don’t go downstairs today. You can eat with Sar tonight so you won’t be alone.”

He’s subtle for a dog, very subtle: reminding me of why we can’t stay here like this, allow ourselves the comfort of each other’s arms. Sar is coming home and Sar is the reason we can never be. For a flash of a moment I hate him; I hate Sar, someone I have never really met who has complete control over my destiny and, if I allow myself to think about it, mastery over my heart. Even though I have only the very scantiest of knowledge about this man, the briefest of memories and most of those bad ones, I feel a strong connection between us and... and... somewhere deep inside I acknowledge the fact that no matter how crazy and impossible it may be... I love him.

And that is why I smile regretfully and pull reluctantly out of his arms. For a moment our eyes lock and what I see there makes me smile a bitter sweet smile.

“If it had been any other way; any other place, any other time...”

“Yes, I know.”

Something clicks inside and I realise that this is a defining moment for both of us. We both know what can’t be and what has to be and we both accept. In that acceptance lies a depth of understanding and a connection so great that I know without a shadow of doubt that our souls are bonded forever: that even though my love, my body belongs to another, part of me will be his and part of him will be mine forever. We will live or die for each other.

“Soul brothers?”

Smiling I nod, knowing full well the meaning of those words. Among werewolves a soul brother is another member of the pack, not a life partner although, in some ways, the connection is more profound and deeper. A soul brother is someone you never need to ask, who you protect with your life as he protects you with his. In the hunt he will defer to you in the kill, even as you step aside to allow him in. A soul brother is more than a friend, more than a lover, more than a brother, for more than a lifetime.

“Soul brothers.”

He can see in my eyes that I know what I’m saying, what I’m promising, the lifetime contract I am entering into without a moment thought. He can see that I understand, that this is not something I am taking lightly but something that I have no hesitation in committing myself too. This and more he sees in my eyes and then he grabs me and pulls me into his arms until I squeak with pain.

“Watch the wing, Rover... the wing.”

He lets go so fast he almost flings me away from him and then has to reach out one of his enormous paws to steady me.

“I'm sorry, Glory; I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know, and it’s fine. It’s so much better than it was, but still a little sore.”

“Hopefully I can help to remedy that.” We both jump, not having heard Fougue enter. He lays his satchel on the bed and motions me over. As I lower myself face down on the bed I wonder what he saw and what he thought about it. Will he tell Sar? What will Sar think if he does? A shiver goes through me at the thought.