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    Ashi
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

2012 - Winter - Desperate Ends Entry

A Photographer's Dream - 1. A Photographer's Dream

This is my entry to Gay Author's Winter 2012 Anthology: Desperate Ends.

A Photographer’s Dream

“May I turn on the safety light?” It is customary to call out when entering a darkroom, so it doesn’t ruin someone’s work in process. And I knocked, of course.

“Oh, sure. Go ahead.”

“Is that you Jason?”

“Yes. Why are you here at this hour?”

“Aren’t you happy to see me?” I joked. Now that I think of it, I should have said “hear me”. It’s funnier that way. The room was still fairly dark with the black safety light turned on.

I approached his photo enlarger station, and it was indeed Jason .

“No..., I mean, I just didn’t expect to see you,” he said.

“Well, it’s the end of the semester, and there are still a few photos I need to turn in for the final.” I looked around, nobody was in the room except us. Clearly, others didn’t know about extended lab hours yet.

Click.

Jason turned on the enlarger light. His head was down, fixated on his work. He looked like he was in another world, deep in thought. Nothing else existed at this moment, except for his work. Although I found him sexy when he was so dedicated to his work, I wished he would pay more attention to me.

Click.

I stopped staring at him and turned on my enlarger light.

Click.

Jason turned off his enlarger light and put his ready-to-be-developed photo into a tray and moved to the wash sink.

“Why is it cold in here?” I tried to start a conversation.

“I don’t know.”

“And it’s so freaking hot there by the film dryer. Like an oven.” I laughed.

But he didn’t laugh.

Click.

I turned off the enlarger light and moved next to him with my photo.

Jason has been my boyfriend for two years now. Although we were in the same class, the first time we really talked was in this darkroom. He taught me to dip the photo in the developer with the image side facing down. That way the photo would develop better. We spent a lot of time together in here. The following semester, we texted each other all the time when we weren’t together. Sometimes we did that even when we were in the same class. Then our friendship turned into something more serious. We were inseparable....

“This photo is for you. But I can’t show you just yet.”

“Really?” He said.

I wasn’t sure if he was really listening, or replied out of reflex. He stirred his photo in the developer with a pair of tongs while I waited for him to finish. It wasn’t a good idea to put two photos in the developer at the same time. Well, not good enough for him anyway. The standard he put on his photos was pretty high, so he strictly followed the set rules.

He stirred his photo again, looked at his watch, removed the photo from the developer, washed it in the stop bath, then moved it onto the next step: the fixer sink.

I dipped my photo into the developer, face down, like he taught me.

I couldn’t figure out how he did it. I mean, how could he not even wonder about what the photo looked like until the final stop wash? The curiosity would have killed me. It has been many years now since I started this, and I continued to be amazed by how the image slowly emerged from a piece of white paper, just like magic.

As much as I wanted to see his photo at this point, which I knew would turn out very nice, I also knew he wouldn’t be happy if I asked.

“Do you remember our first kiss?”

He remained silent.

“I found it really amazing you said you had never been kissed. I mean, weren’t you at least curious what’s it like? I probably couldn’t hold off for so long. How old were you when we finally had our kiss? Like 22 or something?”

Silence. He was fixated on his watch to make sure the photo developed to the exact second.

I tapped my feet while waiting for the photo to finish developing. I heard my own footsteps on the linoleum floor with crystal clarity. Jason and I went to so many places to find these shoes: suede high-top in indigo. Surely, I didn’t want to stain them with chemicals, so I stopped tapping.
I wondered if there was a light leak near the far corner of the room. It would’ve upset him greatly if I told him that. So I decided not to tell, as I knew he would have redeveloped all his photos. That’s just the kind of guy he was; very serious about photography. I convinced myself I was imagining it. There was no light leak, and that was that. A self-fulfilling prophecy was the last thing I needed.

He startled me, “I probably won’t be here next semester.”

“Oh....” My heart sank. I couldn’t say I was unprepared. Thinking of his obligation to his family, “Is it because of your parents?”

“Well... I guess that too. I’ve been shooting more with digital lately.” He stirred his photo in the fixer. “Don’t forget to stir yours.” He gently reminded me. “I just don’t have much time for this anymore.”

I stirred my photo with tongs, “See, I didn’t flip my photo over this time.” A ton of weight finally lifted off my shoulders when he smiled.

We were two clouds in a windy sky. He called me once in a while, like a doctor checking on a terminally ill patient. I couldn’t quite pinpoint what changed between us, but I had always respected his personal space. Besides, Lizzy said, if you kept calling a guy, he might think that you were insecure and he’d have the upper hand in the relationship. I took my best friend’s advice; she seemed to know what she was talking about. Her words didn’t help much. Well..., no, not really, because I tumbled around my bed more often lately. I rarely had a great dream nowadays, and I wanted one so I could tell Jason all about it.

Jason’s parents wanted him to be a lawyer, so photography was only a hobby for him; it wasn’t permanent. He had been taking a class or two of photography every semester during his spare time. I had thought he was doing it just for me. I, on the other hand, took photography as a possible career. Eventually, my skill level caught up to his, but I still told him his work was far better than mine. It was his dream to be a great photographer, and you don’t destroy your love one’s dream. It’s just not right.

“I used Fuji Acros this time like you suggested. Did you use Acros also?” I asked.

He lifted his photo from the fixer and did the final rinse in the stop bath. It was a male nude. Artistically done.

“I used Ilford this time. Pan F Plus. It’s a studio shot, so I had enough lighting.”

“Very nice tone. The smooth gradient really shows his muscles. You always know what you’re doing.” I tried to be cheerful, because that’s what I always do. He would know something was wrong if I didn’t. It was a marvelous photo, really. The best one I had seen from him. I should have been happy for him, but I was tired.

My voice must have betrayed me, because he looked at me weird. I lowered my head, so I didn’t have to look at him.

“I’m going outside to dry the photo.” He swiftly moved by me. “Going out.” He did the courtesy call and lifted the curtain which separated the darkroom from the outside. Bits of light leaked in as he walked out of the threshold and blinded me. I had been in the dark for far too long.

I breathed deeply, moved my photo to the fixer and tried to calm down. I remembered who the model in his picture was. It was Kevin, his best friend, or so he told me. It was not the first time he modeled for him. I tried to convince myself that it was just a photo project.

My mind tumbled. After I finished rinsing my photo in the final stop bath, I just had to find out what’s going on. “I am going out.” I made the courtesy call, even though no one else remained in the room.

“So how’s your photo coming along?” I said, level-headed and composed. I tried to make an effort to make eye contact with him, although I find it difficult, I overcame it.

Jason looked at me, concerned. “I’m sorry.”

We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. I didn’t know what to think anymore; it was clear there was no other way to think.

“I am sorry. I tried to tell you before. Kevin wanted me to tell you also. You know... Kevin.”

“Yes.” My hands trembled. “I know who he is. I just didn’t know what he is to you.” I looked at his photo. It was hard to ignore Kevin’s endowment, and what my boyfriend was doing with him. “Kevin really is something, isn’t he? The total package.” I was determined to keep myself from boiling over.

“Yeah.” Jason grinned sheepishly as we both stared at the same part of Kevin’s anatomy. “That’s what I was going to talk to you about! I totally forgot I would be printing it on an 8x10", so I didn’t give enough leeway to make a crop in the final composition. Do you think I should keep more of his face or more of his..?”

“Balls. You should keep his balls. We don’t want to castrate Kevin, do we? That’ll be a real shame.”

“But don’t you think they’re too distracting? They really are quite... big.” He smiled.

“Then keep the face and cut off the balls. But is that what you really want?”

He blushed and laughed.

I couldn’t believe he was talking as if he was off the hook.

“How long have you two been together?”

No reply, so I added, “A year?”

He hung his head, like a kid reprimanded by his parent.

“Two years?”

Still no reply.

“Before we dated?”

His head sank, like a bobber on a fishing line.

I lost it. “I thought I could take it, but I guess I overestimated myself. Why are you doing this to me? Why couldn’t you think it through before you hurt me so deeply?”

It’s funny all your life you thought you were strong. You had been through worse, made some questionable decisions, and then paid for it. Nothing..., nothing hurt more than when you thought you were loved but it turned out to be a dream unrealized; a leak of light that ruined a photo.

Two lines of tears felled my strength. Conflicted, I wish I could vanish, but I wasn't weak. He had no right to control my feelings, but I had allowed him to.

“I love him,” he said. “I have always loved him. I just wasn’t very sure of my feelings. I was scared. You have to believe me when I say I didn’t want to do this to you. I am sorry. It wasn’t right what I did, but it’s what I feel.”

“Should I congratulate you, you finally figured out your true love?”

“I wanted to tell you earlier, but I just couldn’t bear to hurt you. Can’t we at least try to be friends?”

It was just too funny on several levels. I chuckled sarcastically.

“Good.” He smiled, “No, I mean, of course it’s not good, and I’m sorry it has to end like this. I’m grateful we have come to terms with each other. Well... yeah, I’m sorry.... Well, it doesn’t have to be negative and all that, right? You said you have a photo to show me. Let me take a look of it. I bet it’s great.” He gazed at the photo in my tray, still wet, facing down. “Please. We can’t stay mad with each other. You’re my best friend.”

“Sure. What else could I lose now?” I flipped over the wet photo.

“Oh.” Was the last word he spoke to me.

It was my self-portrait in a white wedding gown.

 

A giant thank you goes to LouisHarris as my editor. He found time to work on this story even when a natural disaster hit his home and disrupted his daily life.
And thank you to my beta readers, AJ, Andreaa, and Joann414 for some very nice inputs. I really enjoyed working with you guys.
I hope you find the ending an interesting twist. I encourage you guys to read it again from another gender's perspective.
Copyright © 2012 Ashi; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

2012 - Winter - Desperate Ends Entry
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Chapter Comments



Really interesting story! Great job of showing the emotions of the characters via their interactions in the dark room. Nice twist at the end.

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On 12/10/2012 06:29 AM, Percy said:
Really interesting story! Great job of showing the emotions of the characters via their interactions in the dark room. Nice twist at the end.
Thank you Percy. :-) I try not to tell too much, so non-verbal cues are super important to what's going on in their minds. Glad you like the story.
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On 12/10/2012 06:42 AM, comicfan said:
That is one way to see the end of relationship. Ouch. You feel for both of them.
Thanks, Comicfan!
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This was a nice quick read, and it got the point across to me quite clearly. Well done!

 

I liked the symbolism that you used like moving from the darkroom to the digital age. Would this be a sign of moving on from the old to the new?

 

The fact that the relationship had been going on for two years and they had been 'boyfriends' for two years, was a bit disturbing. How could he be so gullible?

 

Overall a great job, thanks for sharing!

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Enjoyed this even more the second time even though it still made my heart hurt. Hope you continue to write more Ashi. Your writing flows easily and it is a joy to read. Good job!

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Enjoyed this even more the second time even though it still made my heart hurt. Hope you continue to write more Ashi. Your writing flows easily and it is a joy to read. Good job!

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On 12/10/2012 12:04 PM, wildone said:
This was a nice quick read, and it got the point across to me quite clearly. Well done!

 

I liked the symbolism that you used like moving from the darkroom to the digital age. Would this be a sign of moving on from the old to the new?

 

The fact that the relationship had been going on for two years and they had been 'boyfriends' for two years, was a bit disturbing. How could he be so gullible?

 

Overall a great job, thanks for sharing!

Thank you for your review, Wildone. :) I am glad you found one of the devices I put in. There are more things like that in the story. And I must also mention they may or may not be "boyfriends." In the end note I suggest people to read from another gender's POV than the first time you read it. ;)
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On 12/10/2012 12:10 PM, joann414 said:
Enjoyed this even more the second time even though it still made my heart hurt. Hope you continue to write more Ashi. Your writing flows easily and it is a joy to read. Good job!
Thank you for your review and your beta reading! I will try to find time to write more.
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As GA is a 'gay site' the first time I read through this I thought a love triangle, 3 guys. Then, as I went through it again, I could see how the only description you give of 'I'-you even without the name-is of the character's favorite shoes. Now high tops are not girly, but my fav pair of shoes is a pair of men's tan hiking boots. So... yeah, this could so easily be a girl who thought her boyfriend's best friend was just his friend and comes to realize that she was a beard the whole time. The dual nature of the story's interpretation was quite interesting. No matter what way you see the story I think one line summed up the character's situation, "I had been in the dark for far too long." Wonderfuly by-play, Ashi, and a great start to your hopefully many submissions to the anthologies.

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Very emotional and very interesting that he sees the light in the darkroom. Was that the light seeping in that ruined his picture of reality?

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I particularly liked the wordplays. Like Cia, I also wanted to mention: I had been in the dark for far too long. That made it pretty clear to me. I liked your story.

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I thought this was a really well-written story. You use the dark room conversation really well. Revealing bits of back story subtly. And the ending works well in this context to make the reader think again about who is who. A skillful piece. Thanks for sharing. :)

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On 12/10/2012 04:06 PM, Cia said:
As GA is a 'gay site' the first time I read through this I thought a love triangle, 3 guys. Then, as I went through it again, I could see how the only description you give of 'I'-you even without the name-is of the character's favorite shoes. Now high tops are not girly, but my fav pair of shoes is a pair of men's tan hiking boots. So... yeah, this could so easily be a girl who thought her boyfriend's best friend was just his friend and comes to realize that she was a beard the whole time. The dual nature of the story's interpretation was quite interesting. No matter what way you see the story I think one line summed up the character's situation, "I had been in the dark for far too long." Wonderfuly by-play, Ashi, and a great start to your hopefully many submissions to the anthologies.
Thanks Cia! :) Yeah, it's playing expectation that MC is a gay guy (maybe he is, or maybe not). :) Oh, the shoes.... LOL. I know some female photographer friends who wear Converse high top. LOL. Thank you again for the nice insightful review! :)
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On 12/11/2012 12:39 AM, Bill W said:
Very emotional and very interesting that he sees the light in the darkroom. Was that the light seeping in that ruined his picture of reality?
:) Thanks for the review, Bill. Sometimes life is like that. We need light, but sometimes the light blinds us.
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On 12/11/2012 07:58 AM, Dolores Esteban said:
I particularly liked the wordplays. Like Cia, I also wanted to mention: I had been in the dark for far too long. That made it pretty clear to me. I liked your story.
Thank you Dolores! :)
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On 12/12/2012 09:10 AM, carringtonrj said:
I thought this was a really well-written story. You use the dark room conversation really well. Revealing bits of back story subtly. And the ending works well in this context to make the reader think again about who is who. A skillful piece. Thanks for sharing. :)
Thank you Carringtonrj. Those are very kind words. :)
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A very interesting read! I loved the photography stuff that even those (me) that don't know anything, wouldn't be lost in this new world. I really felt bad for him, or I thought it was a him until the last photo. Gender twist?

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On 12/27/2012 01:10 AM, K.C. said:
A very interesting read! I loved the photography stuff that even those (me) that don't know anything, wouldn't be lost in this new world. I really felt bad for him, or I thought it was a him until the last photo. Gender twist?
The MC could be either gender. Thanks for the review, KC.
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Hi. Just read this story. It's really nice. I think the wordplay, the dual relationship between photography and the characters (a sort of analogy) brought it to another level. What I loved was the amount of detail relating to photography. I like when writers show the things they are writing about without going in excessive and flaunting it. Here, it was the right amount.

Really nice story.

Cheers

Ieshwar

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Wow, Ashi! I really liked this. When I started reading it I wasn't sure what to think. I picked up that there wasn't really a gender set, and I liked that. It could totally go both ways.

Love your writing style and the flow of the story. Loved all of the little allusions and metaphors that you threw in there with light and dark, old and new, right and wrong, lust and love. And of course, I loved the raw emotion mixed in.

This story speaks out in a good way; not all relationships turn out how you expect them to. It also is a nice poke to break the mold... in the sense that gay or straight, relationships are all the same. It's subtle and striking. I really enjoyed how you took your time to show us glimpses of the characters thoughts and emotions, some background to their lives and what concerns them. It made them come alive. I think what I liked the best was the was that you showed us how they felt, how they reacted, and not telling us.

It connected to me in a very personal way, and I liked that. It's a different perspective to look through and I thought it was very well done.

Looking forward to reading more of your material!

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On 02/22/2013 06:02 PM, Branflakes said:
Wow, Ashi! I really liked this. When I started reading it I wasn't sure what to think. I picked up that there wasn't really a gender set, and I liked that. It could totally go both ways.

Love your writing style and the flow of the story. Loved all of the little allusions and metaphors that you threw in there with light and dark, old and new, right and wrong, lust and love. And of course, I loved the raw emotion mixed in.

This story speaks out in a good way; not all relationships turn out how you expect them to. It also is a nice poke to break the mold... in the sense that gay or straight, relationships are all the same. It's subtle and striking. I really enjoyed how you took your time to show us glimpses of the characters thoughts and emotions, some background to their lives and what concerns them. It made them come alive. I think what I liked the best was the was that you showed us how they felt, how they reacted, and not telling us.

It connected to me in a very personal way, and I liked that. It's a different perspective to look through and I thought it was very well done.

Looking forward to reading more of your material!

Oh, thank you, Branflakes. I am glad you like the little stuff I put in, and how it connects to you. I am currently taking a break on writing now, but I'll try to come back and finish writing my new stories (one of them is very emotionally taxing..., even thinking about writing it out is tiring).
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On 02/02/2013 04:13 PM, Ieshwar said:
Hi. Just read this story. It's really nice. I think the wordplay, the dual relationship between photography and the characters (a sort of analogy) brought it to another level. What I loved was the amount of detail relating to photography. I like when writers show the things they are writing about without going in excessive and flaunting it. Here, it was the right amount.

Really nice story.

Cheers

Ieshwar

Thanks Ieshwar. I love writing stories with all sorts of analogies and symbols. :) I am glad you like my direction.
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