Bernard: Diary of a 46-yr-old Bellhop - 3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: The First Three Days

The next day, Bernard’s mom came to visit again. She sat down and took his hand again.

“How’s my boy today?”

Bernard let out a breath. “I’m okay Mom, just tired.”

She turned his wrists and saw the scars on them. “I brought you some magazines that you like. Those stitches healing up?”

“Yeah, they look much better than they did before. Thanks for the magazines. You know I love ‘em.”

“Anytime. Well, thank heavens you’re doin better. You eating okay? Lose any weight yet?”

Bernard frowned at her. “I dunno if I have or not yet. With the tonnage I have to lose, I wouldn’t really know. It’s pretty good food here. Way better than what I make.”

Molly sat back and let out an exasperated groan. “You know what you need is a good little wife to cook for you.”

Bernard let out an exasperated breath and ran his hands through his short, gray hair. “Mom, don’t start with this again, please? “

She shot him a look. “Bernard Joseph, you need to get your life together and settle down and get married.”

He looked up at the ceiling, figuring it was easier to it than trying to get through to his stubborn mother. “No one wants to marry me Mom! I don’t even date! Who’d want a bellhop anyway?”

She reached for his face. “Bernard—”

He let her stroke his cheek softly before he took her hand and removed it, but held on. They sat quietly for a moment and desperate for conversation other than his condition; Bernard changed the subject. “Mom, can we please just talk about something else? How’s your work at the diner?”

“Oh fine. We had a big ol’ mess of customers the other day. Musta been a convention in town. Never seen the diner so busy! Made $200 in tips that day!”

Bernard raised a brow. “Wow! I made that once, same convention maybe. They all stayed at my hotel. I remember because my back hurt for a week after!”

“Maybe so. Hey, that Doc of yours been able to help you out much?”

Bernard shrugged. “We don’t talk about it much. Well, more I’m not ready to yet. He asks me a lot about the night this happened.”

Her over-painted eyes grew wide. “Well?”

“I just said I’m not ready to yet. If I did, I’d only spell it out in that diary. I wrote out what happened right before this and I don’t remember much since then.”

Molly kissed his bandaged wrists. “Maybe he can help you.”

Bernard whipped his arms away from her and crossed them tight against his chest; fighting tears. “Dammit, Mom. Who can help me? Another shrink? More meditation? More drugs? I only have some much insurance and so much time! I’ll run out of life before they can help me through it.”

Molly shook her spiny finger at him. “Don’t you take that tone with me! Son, all I want is for you to get better and be happy.”

A booming voice interrupted. “That’s what we’re trying to achieve.” Jack walked into the room and extended his hand. “Hello ma’am, I’m Dr. Jack Larson.”

Molly stood up and was instantly enamored with the handsome, young doctor. She straightened out her dress and held out her hand for him to kiss. “Charmed I’m sure! I’m Molly Covington, I’m Bernard’s momma.”

He smiled at her and dryly kissed her hand. “Nice to meet you, ma’am.”

“Likewise I’m sure.” She glanced back at her son and then back at the physician. She put her hand on his shoulder and looked at him intensely. “Oh, Doctor I’m worried sick about this one! How’s my boy?”

Bernard balled his hand into a fist. “Mom! I just told you how I am!”

She glanced back at him. “Yeah, but you tend to leave stuff out you don’t think I can handle. How is he really, Doc?”

“Well, his heart’s better, wrists are healed, I think we can cut you loose in a couple days. You have to be our guest for at least three days regardless. You should be better by then, physically.”

“Oh that’s wonderful! Ya hear that baby?”

He shook his head and looked up at Jack with a frustrated look. “Hello! I’m right here mom! What’s my prognosis?”

Jack flipped through his chart. “Well, we’ll talk about that the day you’re released. You need help Bernard, a lot of it and a different kind than I can give you.”

Molly chimed in again. “Doc, do you think a good shrink is the answer?”

“Counseling will help quite a bit. I know a great psychiatrist on staff here. I’ll have him look in on you as well.” He glanced at the clock. “I’ve got to leave, but I’ll check in on you later. Mrs. Covington, very nice to meet you.”

She let out a small laugh and waved her hand at him. “Oh, please call me Molly, and it’s Miss. I ain’t never been married. I met their daddy in a bar and got knocked up with twins a week later. Ain’t seen him since.”

Jack raised a brow. “So you’ve raised two children all on your own?”

Molly nodded. “Well, my mama helped me a lot but yeah, no man around, I was alone!”

Bernard groaned and frowned at her. “Mom, he didn’t ask for your life story!” He looked up at the physician and let out a sigh. “Sorry, Jack.”

He waved his hand to calm the man. “No need to apologize. I was raised by my mother solo too. My father was killed in Vietnam in 1972.”

Molly’s jaw dropped in surprise, as did Bernard’s. He instantly felt sorry for the man, and felt a great deal of compassion. “Oh I’m so sorry! Did you ever meet him?”

Jack shook his head. “No, only saw photos. My mom and grandparents raised me. It was tough, but we got through it. I help them out whenever I can.”

Molly glanced up and saw the clock. “Well shoot, I gotta get to work. You be a good boy, okay? I love you.” She hugged him quickly and kissed his cheek.

“I love you too Mom. Have a good shift.”

“Oh I will.” She turned to Jack and held out her hand for him to take. “Very nice to meet you, Doctor.”

“Likewise, Miss Covington.”

“Thank you for lookin’ after my boy.”

Jack looked back at the patient. “My pleasure.” He looked over back at Bernard. “I’ll be back later.”

After rounds were finished, Jack came back to check on Bernard. He knocked on the door softly to announce his entrance.

“Come in. Hey, Doc.”

Jack smiled. “Hi again. I’m just about to head home, but I thought I’d check on you one last time. It was nice meeting your mother today. She has a lot of spunk.”

Bernard sighed aloud and put his hands behind his head. “That’s one word for it. I love her to death but she drives me crazy sometimes. Her idea of healing me is seeing me get married and having a big family.”

Jack eyed the monitor and wrote down his vital signs. “Not your style?”

“Not hardly. I didn’t know what I wanted for the longest time, wonder if I still do. I just know it’s not in line with what she wants for me.”

“Is that why you’ve stayed in one place for so long?”

He pulled his hands out from behind him and rubbed his arms. “Yeah, I think so. I’m too afraid to change, so I just stay put.”

Jack noticed him rubbing his arms. “Feeling chills? You don’t have a fever--?”

“No, no. Thanks. Just things are crazy in my life, you have no idea.”

Jack smiled at him. Bernard loved seeing the glowing teeth and the rosy lips that housed them. He sat down and checked the bandages. “Change can be overwhelming, but it can also be exhilarating. One day changed my entire life.”

“One day? What happened?”

“Well, I was at a family reunion and my Uncle Howard was having a heart attack! We had no idea it was happening but somehow I remembered CPR and I saved his life! That day changed my entire life. I went to school and became a cardiologist. “

“Wow! So that made all the difference?”

Jack smiled at him. “Completely. It made me want to be who I am today and lucky enough to have been here to save your life.”

Bernard tried not to stare too long into the gray eyes that enchanted him. He strained for something to keep him there longer. “Doc?”

“Yes?”

“How do my stitches look?”

The doctor carefully placed the gauzed wrists into his hands one by one and looked them over. “Any pain or discomfort?” Jack asked.

Bernard smiled nervously. “No, no. Just wanted to know.”

“Well, let’s take a good look here.” He pressed on them lightly to feel the sutures. “Good. They’re flat so it appears they’re healing nicely.” He pulled back the tape and gauze and ran his fingers over the stitching he’d done. It was flat, with no sign of infection. Bernard tried to feel the tan fingers without being too obvious. Jack smoothed his first two fingers over the chubby palms of his patient and tested his reflexes. Bernard’s hand closed in around the Doctor’s hand and held it for a moment. “Can you squeeze my hand?”

Bernard tried to and succeeded. “Not as easy as I used to. That’ll make work fun with toting all that luggage around.”

Jack carefully re-wrapped the gauze. “You’d have to wear braces or splints until it fully heals.”

Nancy appeared in the doorway with his tray. “Knock knock! Dinnertime!”

Jack let go of his hand, much to Bernard’s disappointment. “I’ll let you eat your meal. Time for me to go home and sleep for a while.”

“Doc?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

He tucked his pen away and picked up his clipboard. “Anytime. Be sure to finish your dinner. You’re being released the day after tomorrow.”

“I will. Good night, Doc.”

Bernard’s eyes watched jack leave the room. Such a thin man in his eyes. Tall, thin, jet black hair and steel gray eyes. Not a single whisker on his face. So incredibly handsome! Was he even attainable? Surely not. Bernard thought to himself. Why in hell would a god like that want a loser like me?

After downing his dinner, Bernard climbed out of bed and walked to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror, turning side to side and lifted his hospital gown. He was so much bigger than Jack, at least physically. For his height of only 5’10” he was 270 lbs, which made him clinically obese. His neck had taken on a double chin, and his sides sported stretch marks; a harkening back to when he was much thinner. His skin was pale and covered in wiry, gray hair. His face looked worn out from anxiety and years of depression. Fine lines accompanied his eyes and mouth. Only his eyes were still attractive and maybe his lips. They were still round and rosy. He ached to have them kissed again and suckled up against a handsome man that truly loved him back.

Jack returned early the next morning. He saw Bernard on his side, grabbing large amounts of tissues. He ran into the room and sat down at his side.

“Bernard? What’s wrong?”

“Just thinking of what a shitty life I have! I’m single, I’m lonely, hell I don’t even have a cat! My job is an absolute dead end. I was just trying to tally up the bills I’m racking up and the tears started flowing! My lousy insurance probably won’t even pay for a third of this stuff. I did it to myself! It’s all my fault!”

“Hey, calm down, shhh.” Jack leaned forward and put his hand on his shoulder. Poor guy! Such a handsome fellow just needs some work. I think he needs a strong dose of love and attention. There’s something about this guy; can’t quite pinpoint it.

Bernard covered his face with his hands and sobbed deeply.

Jack tried not to let his emotions run away from him. It was always toughest to deal with the suicide watch patients. He bit his lip and attempted to paint on his professional demeanor. “Shhh, hey. Can I call the nurse or get you anything?”

Bernard’s red face finally surfaced. “No. They can’t do anything for me.”

Jack started to stand up. “Want me to leave?”

Bernard panicked and pulled him back down. “No! Please don’t go. You’re a big help to me. I just… I dunno. I’m so sad and miserable and thinking about everything that’s happened. I’ll miss you and Nancy when I leave. You two saved my life!”

Jack smiled at him and wiped off his face with a couple of tissues. “That’s better, clear those blue eyes. Bernard, it’s what we do. Every life is worth saving.”

Bernard cleared his throat and touched Jack’s hand. “I-I was wondering, if I could write you sometimes? Let you know how I am?”

“I’ll do one better than that. Why don’t we exchange phone numbers and when our schedules are good, we can meet up sometime?” He offered cheerfully.

Bernard’s eyes lit up. “Y-You’d do that?”

“Of course! You’re a very special patient, Bernard. I’d like to keep in touch with you and know how you are doing. Four times is an awful lot for one person; you need someone to keep regular tabs on your progress.” He and Bernard shared a glance together. Jack looked into the ice blue eyes which were sparked with tears and were bloodshot red. He shut his own eyes for a moment and cleared his throat. “That reminds me, Dr. Rasmus is coming by today to talk with you. This is really in his realm now; I’m just the physician who happened to be on duty that night.”

Bernard wiped off his face and managed a smile. “Okay, sounds good. I could use the help. Doc, be honest, am I the only patient who’s ever made this request?”

Jack cast a studious look. “Hmm, to be honest, no. But usually they stop first. They forget all about us here at the hospital.”

Bernard sat forward and looked thoughtfully into Jack’s eyes. “I promise you, I won’t stop. I owe you my life!”

Jack picked up the large hand and held it for a moment. “You don’t owe me anything. You just get better, okay? You’re going home tomorrow.”

Bernard wet his lips. “To be honest, I’d look forward to it if I had more of a life to go home to.”

A new voice entered the room. It was deep and masculine, laced with a medium accent. “Bernard Covington?”

“Yes.”

The short man extended his dark hand to shake his. “Hello. I’m Dr. Rasmus. Pleasure to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too.”

Jack glanced at the clock. “I’ve got to get going. I’ll see you later, Bernard.”

“Later, Doc.”

Dr. Rasmus pulled up a chair and sat down beside the patient. Bernard looked him over. He was short, slim, bald, wore glasses, had huge brown eyes, and very tan skin. He tried to guess his heritage, but couldn’t quite place him.

“So, Mr. Covington, or do you prefer Bernard?”

“Bernard is fine. I’ve been called that most of my life.”

“Okay, Bernard. They tell me this is the fourth time you’ve tried to kill yourself.”

“Yes.”

“From what Dr. Larson tells me you nearly succeeded this time. Why the multiple attempts?”

“Just…things haven’t been right in my life for the longest time. I guess we’ll start from the beginning, or should we start from when things took a wrong turn?”

The doctor sat back in his chair and smiled at him. “Whichever you are most comfortable with, Bernard.”

Bernard sighed and shut his eyes for a moment. “Well, here goes. By the way, you’re about the umpteenth shrink I’ve seen. None of them could help me, I doubt you can too.”

The doctor raised a brow. “We’re all different in our approaches. I’m a bit unorthodox from my colleagues. Let’s just see where it goes, alright? Give me a chance to try and help you?”

Bernard sighed. “I suppose so.”

“So, how long have you been unhappy?”

“Wow, uh almost forever.” Bernard quipped. “I was maybe happy for a while as a child. I’ll give you a brief history of my life. I was born to a single mother and raised by her and my grandma. I have a twin sister named Brenda. We never met our father, and our mom probably wouldn’t know him if she saw him.”

“That’s a rough start in itself. Continue.”

“I did really good in school as a kid. I wanted to be a lawyer when I grew up. Go off to college and everything.” Bernard bowed his head.

Dr. Rasmus cocked his head and noticed the shift. “I take it that didn’t happen.”

“No. Right before I was to start applying for schools, my mom got bitten by a nasty gambling addiction. She spent every last damn dime of my college fund!” He growled.

“Couldn’t you have gone on loans or grants?”

Bernard shook his head. “That wouldn’t have covered it all. Besides, I felt obligated to stay home with her and make sure she was safe. My sister was falling in with the wrong crowd too. Drugs, alcohol. I was the only sane, sober one!”

The doctor scribbled down some more notes. “When did you start your current job?”

“Oh wow, uh, right out of high school. I figured since I wouldn’t be heading off to college, maybe I could try to work my way into it eventually. Well, it’s 27 years later and nothing’s changed. I never quite made it to school.” He bowed his head and bit his lower lip. In a sad tone he recanted. “My dream died as my family seemed to hold me back.”

Dr. Rasmus looked up from his notepad. “Is that when you became suicidal?” He asked gently.

Bernard shook his head. “No, that happened about a decade ago. See, Doc, I’ve fought my sexuality all my life. Girls would flirt with the younger, thinner me and I wondered what was wrong that I didn’t find them cute back. I knew later when I saw some of the male guests. I’ve known ever since that I’m gay and want nothing more than to be with a man.”

Dr. Rasmus nodded. “I see. Does your family know that you’re gay?”

Bernard stifled a stout laugh. “Oh goodness no! I’ve hidden it from them forever. My mom thinks all I need is a wife and a family and I’ll be happy. She couldn’t be more wrong.”

“So what do you need?”

“Like I said, I want a man in my life who can respect me and love me for who I am. I want to be accepted for being a messed-up mental case who’s tried to end his life four times.” Fresh tears tried to spill from his eyes, but his fat fingers pushed them away. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright. This is a deeply personal subject. Tell me, when was your first attempt? What was going on in your life at the time?”

“That was 10 years ago. I’d tried for years to get the attention of one of my hot neighbors. I’d tried to meet him at the mailboxes or at the clubhouse, but he ignored me completely. Finally though, I got him to talk to me after I jumped his car battery one cold morning. I finally got up the nerve to tell him how I felt and he looked like he was gonna puke right there in the snow! He was insulting, degrading, and told me I’d be better off dead than to live the life I was. I believed every word of it.” Bernard fought back tears, but reached for the tissues anyway. “I downed a lot of pills, but ended up puking them up.”

The doctor put down his notepad for a moment and put his hand on Bernard’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry about that. I hope he moved away or you did.”

“He moved away not two weeks later. Undoubtedly to get away from the disgusting, fat, gay psycho next door.”

The doctor frowned. “You’re hardly a psycho, Bernard. Shall we continue?”

“Yeah, sure. Why not?” He joked.

“Very well. How about the second time?”

Bernard cupped his jaw and felt his wiry whiskers in thought. “Hmm, second time was about a year later. I got passed over for a promotion at work, even though I was the hardest worker there! It wasn’t fair! So, instead of fighting, I retreated and blamed myself for it. Hence, number two. That was pills and a razor blade. See this scar?” He held up his forearm and showed the therapist a long, thin line running vertically from just above his wrist to mid-forearm.

“That’s a very long scar! Why did you cut it that way?”

Bernard shrugged. “Just so I could get it over with quicker. I figured maybe splaying my arm open might make it bleed faster. Unfortunately, my new neighbor, a woman, checked in on me and found me.”

Dr. Rasmus raised a brow. “You got lucky there with her. I’ve noticed you seem to defeat yourself the most. How about the third attempt?”

“Number three was because my grandma died. I didn’t see a reason to keep going after she was gone. I bought a pistol and had it in my mouth and everything, but ended up dropping it and shot myself in the arm instead, just grazed it.”

“How long ago was that?”

Bernard rubbed his chin. “Ah, I’d say five years ago. I was just starting to feel like I was getting my life together when she died.”

“Do you still own that gun?”

“No, my mother took it away from me.”

“Smart woman. Alright, now how about this last one? This was a very violent attempt using a butcher knife and pills.”

Bernard’s eyes watered up for a moment as the pain was still quite fresh. He remembered that night of how he wanted to tell his crush the way he truly felt. It was the last sane thought he’d had.

The doctor noticed his hesitation. “It’s okay, you don’t need to tell me the details.”

Bernard shook his head. “No, I have to. If I don’t get it off my chest there’ll be a number five, and that’s gonna be falling off a cliff!”

“You’ve already thought ahead to your next attempt?”

“Yes. I have a miserable life, doc. I want out of it!”

“Please, tell me what happened this last time.”

Bernard calmed himself and dabbed his eyes with tissue. “Okay, here goes. There was a man involved again. I’d been attracted to him for quite some time. It was someone at work this time, a frequent customer in fact. His name is Jeremy and Doc, he was gorgeous! Perfect body, tan, great hair, everything a man could want. He was always nice to me and tipped well and seemed like the nicest guy on earth.”

“I take it he wasn’t…”

Bernard scoffed. “Hardly. It turned out to be a lot like my first attempt. I finally got up the courage to tell him I had feelings for him. Well, that was an enormous mistake! He not only laughed in my face and told me he’d rather ‘screw an elephant than me’ but he even said the elephant would’ve been thinner!”

Bernard’s brave facade finally broke. He burst into tears and sobbed into the tissues. The doctor stood up and put his hands on his shoulders, trying to calm him.

“Shall I call the nurse?”

“No, no. I think I’ll be alright. I think just remembering something so painful and fresh in my mind got to me.”

“I understand that. I do. That’s enough for today, we’ll talk more tomorrow. Alright?”

“Okay. So am I crazy, Doc? One told me I was once and tried to put me in a mental house.”

Dr. Rasmus grinned. “No, Bernard. You’re not crazy. You’re a very sensitive man with deep feelings. You’ve had a tough life and no luck with relationships. I’d say you just need time to get your thoughts together and if the right man comes along embrace him. Don’t automatically judge that he’ll be as bad as the others.”

“I’ll try not to. It’s damn hard though. It just seems everyone just wants to make an ass of me.”

The doctor closed up his notebook and gathered his belongings. He stood up and put his hand on Bernard’s wide shoulder. “Only if you let them. You need to be strong with yourself and love yourself first. Then, no one can harm you.”

“I’m workin’ on that. I guess that’s our mission, huh?”

“That’s right. You get some rest. Think about an ideal place and focus on that.”

“Thanks, Doc. I’ll conjure up something. See you tomorrow.”

“Good night.” The doctor left the room.

Bernard sat back and thought over the words they’d just spoken. He let out a deep sigh and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. The voices of the past began to speak to him. He could plainly hear Brad, the neighbor that he’d been so drawn to and would’ve done anything for. He could feel the chill in the air of that cloudy winter morning when he offered his help. He’d have been better off leaving the battery dead. What the hell was I thinking helping that guy? Who’d want a mangy looking slob like me? Dammit! He clutched the sides of his head, in an attempt to drown out the voices. He flinched a bit and opened his eyes. He could clearly see the face of Jeremy staring at him as if he were there in the room. How’s elephant man? Gained another 50 pounds yet fatso? You’re disgusting! Bernard shook his head to try to exorcize the demons that taunted him. A brief flashback came to him of downing the pills and heading to the kitchen. The butcher knife! So close, so sharp, so handy. He reached out for it. It’s for the best. I’m not worth keeping alive! Grandma, I’m coming home!

A knock came at the door, startling Bernard to the degree he jumped a few inches in his bed. It was Jack.

“Holy shit! You scared the hell outta me!”

Jack’s eyes grew wide with genuine concern. “I’m sorry! Didn’t mean to frighten you; are you all right?” He could plainly hear the heart monitor’s tone hasten.

Bernard fanned his face. “I guess so…got lost in my head there for a bit. I was remembering stuff that happened to me. All the people that’ve hurt me and made me want to end my life.”

Jack nodded and let out a sigh of relief when he watched the monitor return to normal as Bernard drew in slow, measured breaths. “I won’t scare you again; I promise. Hey, I just wanted to stop in for a moment. I saw Dr. Rasmus on his way out. He looked like he was in a good mood.”

Bernard grinned. “He’s a help, actually. It went well; far better than I anticipated. I told him about all my attempts and we got to a root cause. Now we have to work on that.”

Jack checked his vitals and jotted them down. “How are you feeling after that? Still lost in your head?”

Bernard shrugged. “Alright I guess. I couldn’t hold back the damn waterworks, but I guess that’s part of the whole healing process. I’ve always cried real easy, ever since I was a kid.”

Jack cocked his head and looked into the man’s eyes. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of there. I’ve always held it back too much. A good cry never hurt anyone.”

Bernard looked up at the clock; anxious for a change of subject. “Doc, what time might I be released tomorrow?”

“Well, Nancy and I have to check you over one more time, but I’d say by the afternoon.”

Bernard’s face fell a bit. “Crap, I think my mom’s working. She works six days a week.”

Jack twisted his lip in thought. “Well then, how about your sister?”

“Ha! Brenda? Good one. If she rolls out of whoever’s bed by that hour.” Bernard answered with a huge dose of sarcasm.

Jack took his hands again. “Well, I can drive you home, if you’d like.”

Bernard’s face lit up. “Really? You’d drive me? You won’t get in trouble?”

Jack laughed and smoothed the hands. “Of course not! I’ll take a long lunch or something. You’ll be discharged from my care. No more doctor-patient awkwardness. We can talk like two human beings. When you’re ready, I’ll be here.”

Bernard smiled at the man. “Thanks, Jack.”

Jack smiled back. “Anytime. Feel better?”

“Much. Thanks. I think I’ll sleep now.”

Jack stood up and patted his hands. “Rest up for tomorrow. Good night.”

“Night.”

Bernard waited for the man to be out of earshot. He rolled over and unearthed the journal from the nightstand and wrote his first entry since his attempt.

August 11^th, 2009

Three days ago I was the most miserable man in the world. Now, though, I think I’ve got some hope. I owe it to the world’s best doctor, Jack. He’s a good man and a good doctor. What’s the catch with him? I hope we get to be friends! He’s so damn hot! I like the shrink too. Good man. I could finally tell someone about what happened with that bastard from the hotel.