Bernard: Diary of a 46-yr-old Bellhop - 5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Paging Dr. Jack

The return to work had gone smoother than expected for Bernard. After a chat with his boss, Mr. Reed, he resumed his duties as best he could. The front desk clerks missed him and hugged him hello, as did the head chef and business manager. They all asked if he was okay and about what happened. Bernard didn’t elaborate; he merely said it was “a nasty virus.” The only outward sign were the two splints he wore around his wrists, which he covered with the story of having carpal tunnel syndrome.

Over the next six weeks, Jack came over at least twice a week on the nights where neither was working. The duo would sit and talk about all kinds of things: weather, politics, family history. It was therapeutic to get some of his suppressed feelings out in the open at last. Dr. Rasmus made his regular visits three times a week, which Bernard actually began to look forward to.

Molly would also drop by and the two would dine together, usually some concoction she would make for them. His sister was nowhere to be found. Jack questioned Bernard about it one day.

“Bernard?”

He stopped stirring the pot of beef stew and looked up at Jack. “Yeah?”

“You know what I just was thinking about?”

“What?”

“Why doesn’t your sister ever come over? It’s not like she’s not invited.”

Bernard wagged his head and sighed. “Yeah. I feel obliged to invite her though she never accepts. Never declines either. Brenda just flat out ignores me completely.” He set to stirring the meal again.

Jack set down the glass he was filling with iced tea and walked over to his friend. He put his tanned hand on the man’s broad shoulder. “Why is that?”

Bernard hesitated. “It’s about me and my lifestyle. She won’t tell me why she hates it, she just does. Course, we weren’t always a perfect brother-sister twins team. Not ever. It was better though when we were kids and Grandma was around.”

Jack removed his hand and reached for his beverage and took a large swig. “What was it like?”

Bernard sighed. “Oh, it was alright. At 60, my grandma could keep up with the two of us really well. I’m sure a lot of modern woman couldn’t do that now. She had stamina! God rest her soul. She was a good woman.”

“Were her and your sister close?”

Bernard looked up from the dinner and shut one eye deep in thought. “Eh, not especially. Brenda was in trouble constantly. I never got a spanking or anything. I was a good boy.”

Jack winked at him. “I bet you were. The good little gay boy that the girls loved and the guys couldn’t figure out?”

“Pretty much. Is that how it was for you?”

“A little bit.” Jack admitted. “Not having a father around was tough. I wondered all the time what he would’ve done if he’d known I was gay. Would he have acted differently? Treated me rougher or softer?”

Bernard smoothed his friend’s arm. “Try growing up without having a clue of who your father even was. Mom remembers the guy, but barely. They were together only a few days.”

“That had to be rough, I’m sure.”

“It was. I had very few male influences in my life; at least ones who were positive. My mom would bring home a lot of guys from the diner she works at.”

Jack raised a brow. “How long has she been there?”

“All my life. She’s gotta have the best balance and strongest arms for someone her age I’ve ever met!”

The two chuckled.

Jack leaned over Bernard’s shoulder and tilted the stirring spoon his way for a taste. “Mmm, I’d say that’s ready to get devoured. What do you think?”

Bernard tasted it himself. “I’d say you’re right. I’m starved.”

Jack smoothed his hands over the once very large protruding stomach. “How much weight have you lost so far?”

“Almost 15 pounds. It’s only been six weeks, not bad, huh?”

“Not bad at all. You’re on the road to losing that excess. You’re on your way to getting out of the obese category.”

Bernard grinned as he ladled the stew into the nearby stoneware bowls. “I am? Really?”

Jack kissed his cheek. “Really.”

Bernard nearly dropped one of the bowls, but Jack caught it in time. “Careful! Don’t drop this wonderful dinner you’ve made us.”

“I-I won’t. Just got a bit distracted there for a moment.” He shyly looked up at his friend for a moment and took the bowl back from him and set it on the counter. “Jack…I wish…”

“Hush, my friend.” Jack whispered while putting two fingers over his friend’s rosy lips. “In time. Come, let’s just eat now.”

The two sat down and dined together. After, the two sat on the sofa together and watched television for a little while, some sitcoms. Bernard muted the show and looked up at Jack.

“I want to give you something. I’ll be right back.” He stood up and exited the room for a moment. He returned with a book in his hand. Jack stood up to greet him.

“What is it?”

Bernard flipped the book over. It was his journal. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot. We’ve gotten a lot closer lately and I think it’s time. If you want to know me, I mean really know me, read this. I’ve had this depression a long time. I’d love for someone to finally try to understand me and not just the illness.”

Jack smiled at his friend and ran his fingers over the fabric on the cover. He remembered the first time he saw it in the hospital. He looked down into Bernard’s brilliant blue eyes and cupped his chin.

“I promise you, I will read this and not judge anything. I want to get to know the real you.”

Bernard smiled lightly. “Thanks, Jack. I hope you’ll still want to once you see what’s in those tattered pages.”

Jack leaned forward and kissed the man’s cheek again and pulled him in for a long embrace. “Don’t worry, I will.”

Bernard held on tight to his friend and tried to breathe in as much of his scent as possible. Finally, they let go.

“Thank you for dinner. You’re a great cook!”

“Thanks! I guess my Mom did teach me some stuff after all. They’re all diner recipes.”

Jack smiled and brushed Bernard’s hand. “I’ll see you later. Give me a couple of days to read this, alright?”

“Absolutely. I didn’t write very much, but take your time.”

“Will do. Good night, Bernard.”

“Night, Jack.”

Jack left the apartment and walked down the steps. Bernard locked the door behind him and leaned against the door. His heart jumped a few beats every time he thought of Jack even being near him! He felt sweat on his brow and wiped it away with his sleeve. “Hope he knows what he’s getting. Well, better go clean up.”

Jack returned two days later to Bernard’s apartment. He held something behind his back which the older man attempted to catch a glimpse of.

“What do you have there?” He asked while smiling.

Jack shook his head. “Nope, no peeking. Close your eyes first.”

Bernard laughed and shut his eyes. “Okay.”

Jack held up a white rose to his friend’s nose.

“Inhale.”

Bernard sniffed the air and could smell the rose. “Oh wow that smells good! What is that?” He opened his eyes and saw the flower and sniffed it again. “It’s beautiful!”

Jack smiled at him and spoke softly. “Bernard after reading your journal and learning about the real you, I could draw only one conclusion.”

“What’s that?” Bernard asked breathlessly.

“That I’d like to start my own healing process and I’d like to know if you’d be willing to go out with me?”

Bernard’s mouth gaped open and he looked at Jack in great surprise. “Are you sure?”

Jack rolled his eyes and let out a grunt. “Yes, I’m very sure. Here’s your journal back. I want us to learn about each other even more. It doesn’t even have to be sexual at first. We can just be dating for a while. What do you say?”

Bernard held the book and flower close to his heart. “Jack, I’d love to go out with you! When did you have in mind?”

“Right now. It’s a gorgeous day, you’re off work and so am I. I don’t know of better circumstances.”

Bernard smiled and hugged the man. “Let’s go on a date!”

They went out and had an awesome time. Some people did look over at the two men walking together close to each other. A few made faces or covered their mouths to either laugh or say something possibly derogatory. Bernard of course perverted it into thinking what was this huge guy doing with a gorgeous man like Jack? His heart pounded and he stopped in the middle of the path.

“What is it?”

“Everyone’s staring at us.” He whispered. “They wonder what a guy like me could possibly be doing with a man like you.”

Jack looked up and noticed some of the others watching them. “Let them mind their own business. I’m on a date with someone I care about. Come on, let’s go over there. It’s a lot more secluded.”

He steered them in the direction of the nearby lake. The water was so placid it resembled an enormous pane of glass. They peered inside; they could see the fish swimming around near the shoreline. Bernard let out a relieved sigh.

“Thank you. They were really getting to me. This is much better.”

“My pleasure.”

Jack reached for Bernard’s chubby hand and the very surprised man smiled and held on tight, but hesitantly.

Jack noticed the hesitation. “I’ve taken your hands before. What’s different?”

Bernard struggled for words. “Well, uh, not like on a date you haven’t. You are the first to even want to do that.”

Jack held Bernard’s hand tighter and brought it to his lips and lightly kissed it.

“Jack—”

“Hmmm?”

“What do you want with a guy like me? Seriously? You’ve kissed my cheek a lot and now my hand. Is it all just pity or is it something else?”

“Bernard—”

“I have absolutely nothing to offer you. No money, no brains, no looks—”

Jack groaned. “Yes you do! A heart of gold, a great sense of humor and a sweet disposition. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable before with kissing your cheek, but it seemed very natural to do. I like kissing you.”

Bernard glanced up at the young doctor. “Damn boy, makin’ me blush. Aren’t I too old for you?”

“One decade, big deal.”

“Jack—”

Jack put his hands on Bernard’s shoulders. “Stop, hey! Why are you trying to talk me out of this? I think I know by now what I want. Do you mind if it’s you?”

Bernard’s eyes widened. “You can’t be serious. Of all the hot men out there you choose me? Jeremy and Brad laughed in my face! You’re hotter than they are, yet you can stomach looking at me and talking to me? Have you even dated much besides Randy?”

Jack took a breath and rubbed his arm. “Yes I have actually. My college years were quite active. I had several lovers and then I met him.”

“I’m so sorry he died.”

Jack shrugged. “Thank you, but life goes on. I can’t mourn him forever. I’m open to having a boyfriend again.”

Bernard fell silent and smiled to himself. “You want another heart patient? I’m not a healthy man, Jack. Not in anyway, physically, emotionally, and especially not mentally. ”

The tall brunette groaned and put his hands on Bernard’s arms. “Listen to me, please? I’m not Jeremy; I’m very sorry he hurt you, but I’m not him. Besides, I want another man to love and be with me. If you were healthy or even terminal I’d feel the same way.”

Bernard fought back tears of joy, but his lack of self-esteem kept him from enjoying the moment. “I just pray you’re not making a huge mistake.”

Jack smoothed his hands over the large, round face in front of him. “I’m not. I see how you are with me and how things could be.”

“Then I need to tell you something, but in private.”

Jack smiled. “Alright, how about over there?” He pointed a thick grove of fir trees.

Bernard nodded. “That’ll work. I’ve got to tell you before I lose my nerve.”

They walked over hand-in-hand behind the trees. Bernard held Jack’s hand tight and kissed it a few times. They faced each other again. “I have feelings for you, very strong ones. I dunno if it’s just that you saved my life or what, but they’re there. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about you and I dream about you all the time. I just wanna make sure I’m not alone in this. That this isn’t some fantasy my warped little mind is making up.”

Jack smiled and kissed Bernard’s hands and then his cheeks. “I swear to you, I feel very strong emotions for you too, and it isn’t pity or just a bizarre Florence Nightingale thing. What I feel is real. I get that same lump.”

Bernard gasped and smiled widely. “Y-You do? Really?”

“Yes, really.” He brushed his lips against Bernard’s, enticing him to open them a bit.

“Jack--” Bernard whispered.

“Shhh. It’s alright.” Their lips met at last and they shared a sweet, moist kiss. Jack smiled at him as he cleared off the excess saliva. “So, how was that?”

Bernard’s eyes beamed at the doctor, his pulse quickened, and his mouth opened wider to smile. “I loved it.”

Jack grinned at him and held him close. “How are things with Dr. Rasmus? And work?”

“Things are good for once. I think Hector and I get along great. It feels so good to finally have someone treat me and not just the disease. Work is alright. It is what it is. The splints help a lot.” He glanced down at his wrists. “I guess the scars will always be there, won’t they?”

Jack covered the wrists up with his hands. “I’m afraid so, unless you see a plastic surgeon. I know an excellent one…”

Bernard laughed. “Do you know just about everyone in this town?”

“Medically, yes. I think I do. It’s such a small hospital that everyone knows everyone else.”

Bernard sighed for a moment and took a sated moment of silence to hold himself in his boyfriend’s arms. “I haven’t faced my biggest fear yet.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“Telling my mom who and what I really am. She wants grandkids so bad from me.”

Jack frowned. “From you, but not from Brenda?”

“I guess not. She and my sister don’t exactly see eye-to-eye on things. She moved out at 17 and has rarely been seen since.”

“Wow, now that’s young. I hope she knows what she’s doing.”

Bernard shrugged. “Last time I talked to her was a year ago, and she was shacked up with some guy across town in a trailer. I think she’s had a few std scares, but they’ve all come back negative.”

“I’m sorry to hear that! Goodness, your family has had the issues, haven’t they?”

“All too many, Jack. I hope things are starting to turn around for us, especially me.”

Jack kissed him again. “I definitely like the direction we’re heading in.”

“Me too.” He hugged Jack tight again and the two gazed off into the sky.