The Secret Life Of Billy Chase 8 - 13. Chapter 13

Wednesday

- Hahaha! You SEE??? It's NOT just me! People know an exceptional amount of 'gorgeous' when they see it!

I was at work today, and it was a really warm and sunny day outside...so it kinda sucked to be trapped indoors for work and stuff, but now that I get to move around a bit more, it's not so bad. Anyway, I think I had only been there for about 20 minutes or so this afternoon when I looked out into the rest of the mall, and I saw Joanna smiling at me and giving me a little wave. And right next to her....sighhhhhh.....Jamie Cross.

They actually came to visit me! Or...well, Joanna loves the mall anyway, but...she definitely made a detour to come to my store. It was actually kinda cool, you know? I mean, I have only been out of school for a week or so, but I feel like I haven't seen my usual plethora of familiar faces in forever. So it excited me to see Joanna coming in for a friendly hug. Even MORE so when Jamie came in and did the same! Hehehe!

It's still really weird when I feel Joanna's soft hugs and think about the fact that I actually used to make out with her on a regular basis. I guess I can chalk that up to being in my 'confused' phase with girls. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, because I did. But not for any reasons that were destined to last. Sensual stimulation only goes so far. It feels great for a while, but the heart wants what it wants, and it instantly goes looking for more once the novelty of the typical boner stroking wears off. Still, rough patches and all aside, it was awesome to see Joanna again.

She was like, "Look at you, working man! How is it?"

I said, "It's amazing! I'm loving it here so far. It's not hard at all. We get busy sometimes but even that's fun, you know? I haven't gotten paid yet, but when I do, it'll be even better."

That's when Jamie said, "Well, you make sure that you hold on to some of the cash from that first paycheck." How long has it been since I've known Jamie Cross? It still makes me tremble whenever he talks to me. Weird.

I'm like, "What do you mean?"

And he says, "Big party! MAJOR party! Two weeks away. Not next weekend, but the weekend after. We've got a big Facebook push for it and everything. It's gonna be massive. You've gotta be there, Billy. I'm serious, it's going to be the bash of the Summer...until we top it later on, that is." He said. He's like, "So what's up? Are you in?"

Another thing that confuses me about Jamie Cross...does he ask questions like this in a rhetorical sense or what? Does he actually think that I have the ability to say 'no' to him? About anything? 'Hey, Billy...can you jump in this giant fish tank full of flesh eating pirahnas to get me that nickel at the bottom?'....like...'Sure thing, Jamie. Anything for you, you fucking HOTTIE, you!'

Ugh, how pathetic is that? He doesn't have to so much as flash me a three second blast of his cute little ass to get me to do whatever he wants me to do whenever he wants me to do it. There should be a law against this kind of sexy hypnosis.

I'm like, "Yeah. Count me in." Which made Jamie smile, and he decided to look around the store for a few minutes. He gave Joanna a light kiss on the cheek and told her he'd be back in a minute. I can't imagine what it must be like to have him do that. It must be something really special.

I talked to Joanna for a bit, but was actually pretty surprised when she asked me, "So...how is Sam?"

I was so thrown off by the question that I didn't even have an answer for her at first. I cleared my throat and sort of avoided her eyes by pretending to rearrange a few of the CDs in my section. I was like, "He's...he's doing ok."

She said, "Well, good. That's good to hear." Then she's like, "Is he going to be working this Summer too or just enjoying the free time."

I walked a bit further down the aisle. I just...I felt really weird about having this conversation with her. I mean, something about it felt awkward on a level that I couldn't quite pinpoint. I didn't know if I was betraying Sam by saying anything about his current situation, or if I was betraying Jamie Cross...who just invited me to a party like two minutes ago...by discussing his girlfriend's Ex practically right in front of him. I said, "I don't know. He didn't mention anything to me, so..."

Joanna was still walking right behind me, and she says, "I heard he was dating again. Same girl?" Okaaaay, so now things were REALLY getting weird!

I sort of gave her a half nod, but that was it. I know how Sam feels about her. I know he'd probably get all excited if he heard that she even bothered to ask about him. But I don't necessarily see that as being a good thing. He's just now getting over the hole she left in his heart, I'd hate to tear that wound open again.

Luckily, Jamie finished looking around pretty quickly, and came back over to wrap her up in his arms again, resting his chin on her shoulder with a smile. He was like, "Well, we're going to grab something to eat and skidaddle. But we'll stop by to see ya from time to time whenever we can. Cool?"

I'm like, "Yeah. That sounds...awesome." And they said their goodbyes and all, but I was left wondering if Jamie had any idea about what Joanna and I were talking about. Is he, like, 'ok' with that kind of thing? I already know that Sam can't stand Jamie Cross since he started dating Joanna...but is the feeling mutual? And is Joanna in a position to play one against the other? She wouldn't do that, would she? She's got her hang ups like everybody else, but I don't think she'd be the kind of girl to play with two hearts at once like that.

Then again...she did come between me and Sam once. So who's to say?

Anyway...so Ollie and Calleigh were working the register as a duo like always...and Jamie had barely stepped a foot back out into the mall hallway before Ollie came practically skipping out from behind the front counter and rushing over to me with a giant grin on his face.

Hehehe, he was like, "Hi, Billy! Hi! Billy, hi! Hello!"

I'm like, "Hehehe...um...hi?"

And Ollie says, "Who's your friend, Billy? Who is he? Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

It wasn't hard for me to figure out who he was talking about. I said, "Who? Jamie?"

Ollie sighed to himself. "Jamie? That's his name? That...is a perfect name for him." He turned to Calleigh with a smile. "Jamie. His name is Jamie. I like Jamie." Then he turned back to me, like, "And how do you know OUR new friend, Jamie, Billy? Hmmm?"

Hahaha, poor Ollie was practically drooling over the front of his shirt. But I have to admit that I know the feeling! Makes perfect sense. Jamie is freakin' HOT! Unavailable, unfortunately....but HOT!

I told him, "I know him from school. That's all. Him and his girlfriend, Joanna." I grinned, but Ollie hardly saw that as much of a deterrent.

He was like, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Nobody can eat fish every day of the week. Sometimes, you need some beef In your life." I started giggling as Calleigh gave him a high five from behind the counter. "So he's about your age, then?" He asked.

I said, "Yeah. Almost a year older, but....you know..."

Ollie was like, "Ok, I can work with that." And he giggled to himself as he walked back to the register. I think I felt a little jealous about him mentally groping one of the most prized possessions in my personal spank bank, but I did what I could to hide it.

I don't think it worked too well. Because suddenly, just out of the blue, Ollie asked me, "Billy...do you have a girlfriend?"

I have to admit that I wasn't prepared for the question at all. In fact, I can't even remember the last time anyone asked me that. I said, "I....I uh...no. I mean, not at the moment."

Ollie gave me a sideways look, trading a secretive little smirk with Calleigh behind the counter. He was like, "Not at the moment, huh? Interesting." What was it? What did I say? Why was Ollie grinning like that. That's when he said, "Let me ask you this...do you have a boyfriend, Billy?"

Gasp.

Shock.

Gulp.

Horror.

My natural instincts stepped in and almost automatically replied, "No. I'm...I'm not gay." I didn't want to sound homophobic or anything, but I happen to know that not answering that question fast enough translates into instant guilt in most people's eyes.

'Guilt'. Maybe that's the wrong word. I don't know. I'm still not totally comfortable with the idea of having a bunch of people know about me. If you ask me, too many people know already. But 'guilt' is definitely not the word I want to use here. More like...'caution'. I'd kinda like keep some level of control over who knows and who doesn't. It's a bit of an intimate detail about who I am, you know? Maybe some people out there don't care or think it's a big deal...but I do. At least for now. So....whatever.

Anyway....2 o'clock rolled around. And I watched as Robin came into the store and clocked in for the evening. He walked right out on the floor, and as luck would have it, he was working the aisle right next to mine. And the shelves only came up to our chests, so it wasn't much of a barricade at all. Talking to him was a must. Otherwise, I was only going to succeed in making things even more uncomfortable than they already were.

Was it awkward? Hell YEAH, it was awkward!

I had almost forgotten how hard it was to be around someone that I once sank my erection into and pounded away until I bred him like a thoroughbred horse! THIS would be the appropriate place to use the word 'guilt'! Definitely.

It was a struggle for me to look him in the eye to do anything much more than to say hello for the first hour that he was there. I tried to be a bit more normal about it all...but every time I looked at him, all I could think about was the hours of meaningless sex that we had together. Sex that felt good...hell, it felt incredible...but I regretted it. Can't say why. I shouldn't. We both wanted it. We both needed it. But I can't help but to feel as though our sex cheapened the very definition of love making itself. Why am I being such a punk about this? This is so stupid. I shouldn't be this confused right now. What the hell am I conflicted about? It's not like I haven't had sex with someone just to get off before. Hell, I even started to feel good about it after following Jimmy's 'feel good' blueprint. So why this nagging sensation in the back of my mind?

It took us passing by one another bashfully in the aisles before we both realized that the discomfort wasn't going anywhere simply because we kept ourselves from talking about it. Talk about having an 800 pound gorilla in the room. Except this one was juggling chainsaws in front of a wall of sparkling fireworks. So, even though we were super quiet about it all, we finally gave each other a proper greeting and brought up the strange coincidence that we would actually be working in the exact same store for what may be the rest of our Summer vacation.

I heard Robin let out a little sigh of relief as he smiled and said, "I'm glad you said something, because I had no idea how to bring it up."

I'm like, "Neither did I, but...I think it looks more suspicious to have us unable to speak two words to each other without turning red in the face."

He's like, "Speak for yourself. I think I'm turning red anyway." It was true too. But it was kinda sweet on him. I'm glad that Robin was 'Leave It To Beaver' Robin when he was at work. I don't think I could have been around the other side of him day in and day out. Hehehe! We sort of broke the ice, a little bit at the time. Then we'd clean something or help a customer...and when we crossed paths again, we'd get a little more comfortable. Thank God!

As it turns out, Robin is still sort of in the closet himself. Half in and half out.

I wasn't sure what he meant by that at first, but he described it as, "Well...if somebody asks me, I won't lie about it. But I don't really feel the need to announce it either. It's not a badge, it's not a secret, it's just...me." Kinda reminds me of Bobby and Ian's arrangement. I think I kind of like that method. But...I might want to warn Robin to stay away from Ollie at the front desk though. Just in case.

I just knew there would be more to that boy than just...you know...and incredible ass and a sexy pair of lips. Which...I have trouble trying to avoid when I stare at him from across the store. I'm weird.

At one point, when things were slow, Robin and I were talking, and he got this really sheepish look on his face. In almost a whisper, he asked me, "So...I don't suppose you've heard from AJ recently? Have you?"

Sometimes I wish I could go the rest of my life without ever hearing that name mentioned in my presence again. I told him, "No. And I think I like it better that way."

Robin's eyes lowered down to the floor for a moment, and I could see his smile dim considerably from the comment. He said, "Yeah. I haven't heard from him either. I tried calling a few times, but...he doesn't answer anymore."

I said, "Oh..." Which was all I really could say.

He was like, "I don't know why. One day it was like....he just cut me off."

I felt bad. I really did. I told him, "I'm sorry, dude. I guess somebody should have warned you that AJ can be a bit of a bastard to the people involved with him. I hope you...I mean...I hope that you guys weren't...'serious' or anything..."

Robin snickered a bit. He's like, "God, no. No need to worry about anything like that. I just wish I had some warning, you know? I knew what AJ was all about when he first took me home. And, surprisingly...that whole situation looks pretty good when you're not getting it."

I cringed at the idea, and I said, "Oh no...he took your 'V card' too?"

Robin's eyes sparkled for a moment, and he smiled as he shamefully looked away. "Guilty. So we're not the only ones in the world he pounced on, huh?"

I told him, "Psh! We're probably not even the only ones in this wing of the mall, to be honest." Which made him giggle, albeit sadly. I made sure to let him know, "You know...you shouldn't have to lower yourself to be with someone like him. There's better guys out there. Much better. Ones who can really surprise you when you give them the chance."

I don't know what made me feel like 'Big Daddy Life Coach' all of a sudden, but I dunno...Robin seemed to like the idea that I felt the need to say anything at all. However, it caught me off guard when he said, "You've found yourself a sweetheart, haven't you?" My head snapped back in his direction, and he smirked at me like, "A real sweetheart, I mean."

I was like, "What makes you say that?"

He said, "You may not think anybody notices...but you've been staring at the front entrance of the store ever since I've been here. It just looks like you're waiting for somebody special to walk in."

I seriously need to learn how to hide my obvious signals from other people. Am I really that transparent. I don't even think I was doing it consciously. I just...ugh...I kept expecting Brandon to suddenly show up in a puff of purple smoke or something, and I didn't want to miss a thing. Geez, even when I think I'm not thinking about Brandon...I'm thinking about Brandon. I've gotten my emotions all tangled up in his 'pretty-ness' again...and that only leaves me open to get my heart broken.

I couldn't help but to smile to myself, and I lowered my head as I shyly whispered, "I don't know...maybe."

Robin was like, "Yeah. I can tell. God, you're so lucky. I'll bet he's really cute, isn't he?"

I blushed slightly, and looked around to make sure that nobody was listening. I said, "Yeah. He's...he's absolutely adorable."

Robin asked, "Sexy?" And raised his eyebrows which made me chuckle to myself.

I'm like, "Yes! VERY sexy! Hehehe!"

Robin said, "Awww, well...good for you, Billy. Honestly, you're living the dream for both of us right now. I hope some of your magic will rub off on me this Summer." He grinned. It reminded me of what Jimmy said a few weeks ago...you know, about me being one of those boys that others look up to. That gives them hope for something more than a few traded blowjobs with AJ on a dusty basement floor while their parents are away. I think I got to truly experience a little bit of what he was talking about today. And you know what? It felt pretty damn good! How strange...I'm a good example for something. Hehehe, who would have guessed?

I just shrugged a bit and said, "Thanks."

And then...

Well...Robin asked me, "What's his name?"

Yeah. Believe it or not, that was the moment that I came to the realization that...while I was answering Robin's questions...Jimmy was the furthest thing from my mind. And with that realization came that ugly word again. 'Guilt'. Heavy, heavy, guilt.

Because even though I know what I should have said...when I listened to the sound of my own voice, I heard myself say, "...Brandon."

That answer has been bothering me all night tonight.

The sting of it won't go away. What's worse is...when Robin told me, "Oh wow! Even that sounds cute!"...I continued on with the lie. In fact, it began to feel comfortable talking about him again. Making it seem like we were back together again. Like everything was fine and dandy and we were just as sweet a couple as Ollie and his boyfriend are. I mean...why did I lie? WHY? I keep searching my thoughts for a legitimate reason...and haven't found a single one yet. Not a one. I feel like I betrayed Jimmy LaPlane big time by just...shoving him and his feelings for me aside like that. It wasn't like I was trying to be mean or anything. I swear, it was just a random, involuntary, instinct that's constantly locked into a 'Team Brandon' mindset. And...and I guess...I chose to follow my heart. My boyfriend be damned. :(

It's something that I'll have to think on some more tonight. I have to eat dinner now though. I doubt I'll have any more adventures for the day. So I might as well just end this here...

OH...except for one more thing...

'Dizzy'.

Who is Dizzy? It was a question that kinda plagued me today, because I wasn't really sure of the answer. See, Robin and I worked the front of the store, Calleigh and Ollie at the register, and Taylor and Dizzy worked further in the back with the vinyl and specialty stuff today. There's a weird corner or angle to the store that keeps me from really seeing what was going on over there during most of the day, but I did catch a few glimpses here and there.

The thing is...Dizzy actually looked pretty cute to me. Short hair that was a really light blond, but with a bunch of dyed streaks of sprint green in it. Really slender and slim, with big brown eyes, and an awesome smile. The kind of person that you would do a double take if they passed you, even in a crowded mall. The thing is...there was something that felt a bit off about my instant attraction to him. Or...arousal. Or...hmmm...I don't know what to call it. I can't say that I've ever felt anything like it before.

Because Dizzy was really cute...but a bit too cute to be a boy. Does that make sense. I kept trying to get a closer look, but Dizzy spent most of his day talking to Taylor and laughing and helping customers around that darn frustrating corner that blocked me from really seeing what I needed to see. I didn't want to seem ignorant about it, and I certainly didn't want to be insulting or offensive...but...even though I guess it didn't really make a difference one way or another, I felt myself getting lost and confused as to what was going on at the time. It's unsettling to suddenly be in a social situation that seems so...unpredictable. Ugh! I'm sure that I'm saying this wrong. Either way, I had to leave work way before the end of Dizzy's shift, and even on my way out to the bus, I tried to look through the window and figure out if Dizzy was a really girlishly beautiful boy...or a really tomboyish girl. Because it seemed like it could go either way.

Some people might think the term is androgynous...but it wasn't. If I had to go with my gut feeling, I'd say it was a boy. The look, the gestures, the voice, the way he dressed...it seemed to be pretty well defined. A boy, right? A really cute boy.

And yet...call it a rare gay 6th sense of sorts...there's an element, be it ever so subtle, that seems to lean in the other direction. And I don't know why. It shouldn't. I guess my mind was just flooded with other stuff today. I'm sure the next time I see Dizzy, my brain will process things in a much more efficient way. For now though...yeah...that was weird for me. I'll have to think on that.

Ok, enough blabber! If keep filling up pages like this, I won't have much of a journal left by the time the Summer is half over!

Seeya soon!

Laters...

- Billy (Still upset about the whole 'Brandon/Jimmy' thing.....) Why did I do that? I'm an idiot...