Bernard: Diary of a 46-yr-old Bellhop - 12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Complacency

July 13^th. Bernard had gone in to work early so he could have a meeting with his boss. It had gone rather well, to his surprise and delight.

Bernard called Jack during his break and filled him in.

“Hey, baby!”

“Hi! How’s your day going?”

“Just great. Had a talk with my boss, Mr. Reed. He said that I have a lot of potential and if I want to change departments or whatever to just let him know.”

“That’s great! Maybe take the strain off your wrists for once?”

Bernard nodded. “Yeah. I really can’t handle wearing these splints anymore. They’re not very comfortable.”

“I’d imagine not. Hey, not to cut this short, but I’ve got to get back to work. I’ll see you tonight, alright?”

“Sure thing. Love you.”

“Love you.”

That night, both men returned home and chatted over a late supper.

“Jack?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever think I can do much more than ever be a service worker? I mean, if I went back to school maybe?”

Jack let out a breath. “Well, that’s up to you. I think everyone has potential inside of them. It just has to be unlocked.”

Bernard nodded. “True. I wonder if I have any of that potential.”

“I know you do. You’ve just been too afraid to show it.”

“That’s what Dr. Rasmus said. I hate it too. That’s why I finally worked up the courage and met with my boss today. Uh, to be honest, I kinda sugar-coated things with you a bit.”

Jack gave him a serious look. “Oh? How much sugar did you add?”

Bernard swallowed hard. “I uh, I asked him if he thought I could be a manager someday, right off the bat.”

“What’d he say?”

Bernard looked down. “He laughed out loud at me. He doesn’t think I have that kind of potential I guess.”

Jack reached for his hand. “Bern, I’m sorry…”

“I guess I’m always gonna be the big dumb guy who gets the luggage.”

“So, what you told me over the phone, that was a complete lie?”

Bernard’s eyes spilled over with tears. “Yes. Dammit, I lied to you…I didn’t want you to think I’m just a stupid guy who can’t do anything more than be a glorified camel! I wanted you to believe that I could actually have a real shot at things and my boss would take me seriously.”

Jack gave his lover a stern look. “Why? Why did you feel the need to lie to me about this?”

“Because I think you believe the same as he does. That I’m not anything more than just a service worker. That I could never be anything at all.”

Jack sat back a bit as if he’d been stung. “Excuse me? Where is all this coming from? What makes you think I’d say that? Or even think it?”

Bernard looked up and saw the hurt in the gray eyes he adored. “Come on, we both know it, don’t add insult to injury!”

Jack stood up and brought their dishes into the kitchen. “I’m not insulting you. I just want to know what the hell is on your mind. Let’s talk this out like we always do.”

Bernard stood up and faced him. He tried to reach for his hands, but was denied. “Jack…”

“What’s going on in your mind? Are you feeling alright lately? Should I call Dr. Rasmus back again? I thought you were keeping your appointments with him.”

Bernard balled his fists and felt his anger rise. “I am keeping my fucking appointments with him and don’t talk down to me like I’m a two-year-old! I’m almost 47 years old, dammit. I can make my own decisions!”

Jack crossed his arms and shot him a look. “Really? Is that so? I’m sorry, but how does someone so mentally disturbed, and by that I mean suicidal four times over, get to the place where he can really make his own life decisions? Are you sure you’re there yet? Really? I’d like to think I was helping, but maybe we should go to counseling together now.”

Bernard turned his face away and covered it with his hand. “I know I’m not cured, dammit! I can’t believe that we can’t talk about this? I thought we could talk about anything! We’ve been together all these months…I thought you loved me.”

“Bern…I do love you! I love you more than anything!”

“No, no you don’t. You think I’m not capable of being more than what I am.” Bernard cleared his face and took a deep breath. “I know exactly what’s going on here.”

Jack scowled. “Would you mind filling me in on it then?”

“This all started when I burned that damn fish and started that grease fire. You haven’t acted the same towards me since! You think I’m an imbecile and a complete lunatic!”

“What?” Jack practically shrieked. “How in the hell did you get that diagnosis, Doctor Bernard?”

“Oh come on! It’s written all over your face! I heard you the night of July 4^th. You didn’t think I did, but I did. You whispered your ex-lover’s name!”

Jack gasped and covered his mouth. “What? No I didn’t!”

“Don’t you dare lie to me too, Jack Larson!”

The two stood back from each other. The room grew very quiet and so tense any sound made both men flinch. Over a minute ticked away on the clock. Bernard and Jack stared at each other and watched each other’s movements carefully.

Jack shifted from one foot to another, while Bernard kept clearing off his face.

“Jack?” He started.

“Yeah?”

“Did you really say his name? Please be honest with me.”

Jack nodded and looked up at his boyfriend. “Alright, I admit it, I did say his name. The 4^th wasn’t exactly the way I remembered it.”

Bernard sniffed and looked back up at him. “I thought so. How were things different with him?”

“Look, Bern, I don’t want to get into an argument again…”

“We’re already arguing! Tell me how it was different!”

“Fine! I will! Randy and I loved the fireworks. We’d hang out away from the crowd and make out while they were going off. We came home and had some explosions of our own. There! Happy now? We had a terrific time and I wanted that with you, but it didn’t happen!” Jack blasted back.

Bernard let out a huff. “It’s not my fault they hurt my ears and it was loud and crowded! How was I to know that was one of your favorite things?”

“I thought I told you!”

“No, you didn’t! You haven’t been telling me a lot of things lately. I think you’re pulling away from me, if you want the honest truth! I think you’re still too deeply in love with Randy and you can’t let go! I also think you think I’m too screwed up mentally to continue this relationship, don’t you?”

“Bern…”

“No.” He held up his hand to stop the man from talking. “Please, stop. I need to process all of this.”

Jack felt his anger rise. “Am I being persecuted for still having feelings about someone I was deeply in love with? Are you serious?”

Bernard shrugged. “I dunno.”

Jack walked over and took him by the shoulders. “No, now you look into my eyes and tell me that’s what you’re accusing me of. Isn’t it? You’re jealous!”

Bernard looked into the angry gray eyes and pulled away. “Fuck yes I’m jealous! Everything I do Randy did better! He cooked better, he cleaned better, he probably did sex better! Isn’t that it? Isn’t it?” he demanded.

Jack raked his fingers through his hair and shouted back. “Alright, yes! Dammit, Randy was great with money, and a neat freak, and an incredible lover and a manager and everything I ever could’ve wanted!”

Bernard sobbed. “Well I’m sorry I’m none of those things! But you fell for me anyway, didn’t you?”

Jack shrugged. “Yeah, I did. You’ve got your traits too, like a great sense of humor and watching those goofy movies with me that Randy never could stomach.”

“That’s it? Fine! Doesn’t it suck for you that your precious Randy is dead—”

“Alright, you want the God-honest truth? Sometimes I wish I could raise the dead! At least I could’ve said goodbye one more time!”

Bernard’s mouth gaped open. “Are you fucking serious?”

“I miss that man like you wouldn’t believe!”

“Oh trust me I know you do. I hear about it every damn day! Randy this, Randy that…I’m tired of it! Would you feel that way about me if I just dropped dead tomorrow at work?”

Jack looked down into the man’s eyes and then off to the side. “I’d miss you terribly!” He replied.

“Yeah, sure you would. I’ve heard that before. No one misses us invisible people. I’m nothing to you or to this world! Well I’ll tell you something, Dr. Jack, I’m not the only one who lied! You jerk! Dammit! I’ve finally gotten my life together after almost 47 years and you are not going to rip it apart for me! I’m a damn fine person, a great worker and a terrific boyfriend! You’ve said it yourself! I won’t be trapped in a sick, abusive relationship because I think I’m weak or ugly or whatever anymore. I’ve got worth, mister! If you don’t see it anymore, then I know I can find someone else who can! I am so outta here.” He gathered up his keys and headed for the door.

Jack stood stunned for a moment as he watched the scene play out in front of him. “You’ve got to be kidding me, after everything I put up with when we met with your mental state and cleaning you up your nasty apartment? Now you walk out on me for having feelings over an old flame?”

“No that isn’t all of it! I love you so much it scares me, but I hate where this is going! If you can’t get over the past and if you don’t think I’m worth anything more than just your lap dog, then we’ve got serious issues!” He grasped the doorknob.

Jack sneered. “Excuse me? You called youself a lap dog and that you wanted to be that! Fine, whatever. Just…where you going? To your mama’s to cry on her shoulder?”

Bernard glared at him coldly. “Why the hell do you even care? I’m just a freaking bellhop to you. That’s all I am or ever will be, isn’t it?” He walked out the door and slammed it shut.

“Dammit, Bernard! I still love you!” He yelled at the closed door. He looked around the room and saw the dirty dishes, the uniform left on the sofa, and Bernard’s favorite item, a stack of magazines left on the coffee table. He walked towards them and picked it up in his hands. It was Vogue, the brand new issue that’d just arrived that day. Jack tore the cover off and started to pull out the pages when he finally knelt down to the floor and sobbed.

“Dammit, what the hell is wrong with me? Randy, I need you here! Why did you have to die? Why?”

After a few minutes, his barrage of tears subsided and he felt a little better. “I need to get out of here.” He walked outside and got into his car and found himself at the last spot he’d ever thought he’d be again-a bar.