Enigma - 23. Chapter 23 - Saying Goodbye And Moving On

Over the next week and a half Silver gets stronger and stronger. After the first few days the district nurse stopped coming because his wounds are healing so well the dressings have come off to let them get some air. The first time he was able to shower was quite emotional. He revelled in the feel of the water and got excited about being able to wash his hair properly.

When he came out he smelled so good I almost jumped on him then and there, and I would have if he was interested... but he wasn’t. Ah well.

By the end of the week he was finally able to ditch the awful joggers and was able to tolerate his jeans. He looked awesome, even more so after so long.

He now manages to walk around the house and spends more time sitting in the chair than in bed. He still gets tired really easily and dozes a lot, probably because he still needs a lot of pain meds to cope with the broken rib.

Emotionally, he is not doing so well. He is getting more and more withdrawn and is pulling away from me, day by day. Even though he is now so much better physically and, although we have been sleeping in the same bed every night he won’t let me get near him. We don’t even kiss these days, except for a brief peck now and again.

Most worryingly he won’t talk to me. Oh he talks about unimportant things, we have long conversations about all sorts of topics but as soon as we touch on his feelings, or what has happened to him, to us, he closes down completely. It has got to the stage where I am seriously considering giving Dr Marshall a call.

For the last few nights I have woken in the darkness and found the pillow wet from his tears. He has dreams every night. I can't honestly say they are nightmares because he doesn’t thrash or cry out. In fact the only sounds I have heard him make are those of pleasure... and he sometimes mutters a name... David.

The whole situation is worrying the hell out of me, but, once again I feel helpless. What can I do? It feels as though Silver is slipping away from me. Sometimes I catch him looking at me with such sadness in his eyes that I feel sick. I have almost lost him twice and I can’t bear to think that I might lose him again... through is own choice.

I am scared to leave his side, irrationally afraid that he won’t be there when I get back.

I have hatched a plot though... with the help of some friends, and today it comes to fruition. If I have guessed right then this might be a turning point for Silver, if not it could just make the whole situation worse. I haven’t said anything to him about it, not yet but soon we’ll see.

Silver is up, showered and dressed and is sitting at the table in the kitchen staring morosely out of the window. It is raining lightly and everything on the other side of the glass is grey and indistinct, made surreal by the mist. I take his untouched coffee cup from in front of him and he doesn’t even glance at me.

I watch him for a while, fear gnawing at my guts again. I want to take him into my arms and hold him but he’s too far away. If my plan doesn’t work then I know that I will lose him and it is breaking my heart.

After washing and wiping the cups and putting them away, more to postpone having to take this huge chance and risk ultimate failure, than any desire to clean up the kitchen. Finally I can’t put it off any longer.

“Silver...” I say softly and he drags his attention away from the rain to look at me with dull eyes, swollen and reddened from another night of weeping into his pillow. “We’re going on a trip today. Do you need me to help you to the car?”

His eyes widen slightly in surprise, then he sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t want to go out.” That is another thing that worries me. He hasn’t wanted to leave the house since he came back from the hospital. It almost feels as if he is afraid to.

“Come on babe. I have a surprise for you.”

“I don’t want to River. I don’t feel up to it.”

“I know. I know you don’t but you have to. I have been planning this... just for you and I need you to come with me today.”

“Need?”

“More that anything.” I crouch besides his chair and he draws back slightly, crushing my heart. “I know you haven’t been feeling great lately. I won’t push you into talking about it because I know you can’t. But I’m worried about you. You know that I love you and it’s killing me inside to see you like this.”

Silver stares at me with sad eyes and bites his lip. I know he is feeling bad. I know that he doesn’t want to feel like this, that it is not something he seeks or welcomes. And I know he can’t help it, he can’t stop it, he can’t turn it around.

“I have organised something that I think might help you. Just try... please... for me. When we get there, if you want to come straight back I’ll bring you, I promise. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do, that you’re not ready for; just please give me a chance. Please don’t give up on me yet.”

“I haven’t given up on you.”

“Haven’t you?” He looks at me for a long moment with the strangest look and then he drops his eyes and looks away.

“Please give me one day Silver, just one day. If you still feel the same after today I won’t push you again. I... I’ll let you go.”

“But I don’t want to...” He closes eyes and sighs. “Alright. Where are we going?”

“You’ll find out when we get there.”

He looks as if he is going to say something else, to push me... the old Silver would have done that... but he simply sighs wearily and nods.

I help him get his coat on and then into the car. He is still not able to walk far on is own and getting in and out of the car is difficult and painful for him. I put the wheelchair the hospital has loaned us in the boot while Silver watches, tight lipped and disapproving.

“I know you don’t like it,” I say as I get into the driving seat, “but you are going to need it today.”

“Whatever.”

The drive is a long one and spent in total silence. Silver sleeps most of the way and I am glad. I don’t want to have to talk to him, to hear the dull hopelessness in his voice. My guts are squirming with nervousness. Am I doing the right thing? Will this make it better or worse?

When we finally arrive Silver sits up and looks around sleepily. We are somewhere that is entirely unfamiliar to him... to me too. I hope that we have come to the right place. I had detailed directions but I have never been the best at following them.

I get the wheelchair out of the boot and help Silver into it. He is still disapproving and silent, I know he is scared, although he is hiding it but there is a hint of interest in him now. We are deep in the countryside in a picturesque village. The smell of grass and flowers is in the air and there is a silence that can only be found in places like this, right on the edge of natural country.

Carefully I wheel Silver along the pavement and through a lytch gate into a churchyard. The church is quaint in the way of country churches, and we are met at the door by the parish priest, who knows we are coming. He is dressed causally in jeans and a shirt. The only thing that marks him as a man of the cloth is the white collar he wears around his neck. He looks quite young, with shaggy brown hair and sparkling grey eyes.

“Hello there. You must be Silver. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

He sticks out his hand and Silver takes it uncertainly, casting a look over his shoulder at me which says ‘What the hell are you doing?’ I can practically taste the fear in him. That’s another thing that has changed. He is scared of people now.

“I hope that you find what you are looking for. I know it’s been a very hard time for you. Sometimes you have to look back before you can move on. I hope that this is what happens for you here.” The vicar raises his eyes to me. “Just follow the path round to the right... right to the end. It isn’t difficult to find... you’ll know it when you see it.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t hesitate to give me a shout if there is anything you need, or anything I can do to help.”

Ridiculously grateful for this small kindness and the fact that he isn’t going to follow us, I smile my thanks and then begin to wheel Silver along the wide path between the well tended grass verges flanked on both sides by the regiments of gravestones.

There is a deep silence that falls over a graveyard, any graveyard. It is unique and almost holy. On each side the silent graves watch impassively. Here and there mournful angels seem to follow us with their eyes.

“What the hell are we doing here? Is this your surprise? Is this what is supposed to make me feel better?”

“Wait?”

“Wait for what?”

“For that.”

At the very end of the rows of gravestones, set back slightly from the road and shaded by a giant yew tree is a grave. It is well kept and bears a bouquet of yellow roses. It looks relatively recent and is remarkable in that on each side of the gold writing on the black gravestone a white lily is engraved into the marble, perfect in every detail. And also because, beside the yellow roses are various items; strings of bright beads, ceramic teddy bears, badges and a whole mismatch of precious items. I know why they are there but Silver simply stares at them, wide eyed and confused.

“I don’t understand.”

I push the chair as close to the graveside as I can. “Read the inscription.”

At the top there is a short verse.

Sleep in peace, beautiful boy

My child, my hope, my ever joy

I never stopped looking, I never will

Until the day we meet again

My eyes fill with tears, knowing what is coming next. I know when Silver reaches it because he gasps out loud and his breath catches in his throat.

“How... how did you?” He can barely speak.

“The same way I found your parents.”

“But... but he...”

“There’s always a way Silver, if you want it enough.”

Slowly and painfully Silver gets out of the car and walks the few steps to the graveside. Holding his side he bends and traces the words with the tips of his fingers.

In Loving Memory of David Willis

Loving Brother, Loved Son and Faithful Friend

Born June 21st 1992 Died January 4th 2009

Silver looks up at me, tears streaming from his eyes.

“Is it...? Is it really...? Are you sure? Are you really sure?”

“I’m certain.”

“You did this...? You did this for me?”

I can’t speak now. I nod my head, tears stinging my eyes. Silver turns back to the headstone, tracing the words over and over.

Suddenly and unexpectedly Silver collapses, falling to his knees and then slumping against the gravestone. I want to run to him, to hold him, but I know that the pain he is in is very much on the inside and I can’t intrude until he wants to let me in. I can see his body shaking with the power of his weeping and I have to exert a fair amount of self control to stop myself falling to my knees beside him.

The very fact that the man I love more than life itself is in so much pain hurts me, hurts me badly and deeply. I pray to anything and anyone who will listen that I have done the right thing. This is make or break. Either it will give Silver closure, allow him to move on... or it will break him and I will lose him forever. I am so scared, so very scared.

I stand in the rain, watching Silver mourn until I get so cold I can no longer feel my hands and feet. Silver must be freezing, sitting on the floor against the cold marble. His sobbing is beginning to subside but he is still shaking and I know it is either from reaction, pain or cold... probably a combination of them all. I begin to worry for a whole new reason. What if this makes him ill? Maybe I have been incredibly stupid.

At the thought I can no longer be a spectator. I go back to the car and fish the car rug out of the boot, carefully unwrapping the object I had wrapped in it and laying it carefully flat before closing the lid so it does not get wet. Taking the thick rug, which has a silvered thermal underside I walk stiffly back to Silver and, sitting on the edge of the grave wrap it around him.

He has stopped crying now and is immobile, leaning against the stone, his eyes staring at nothing and one hand lying on the grave, like just another one of the trinkets that have been left here. He is as pale as marble and I feel sick.

He doesn’t look up when I wrap the blanket around him, doesn’t move at all. I pick up his hand and it seems even colder than the stone on which it lay. Trying to rub life back into the cold skin I stroke his hair. It has been cut properly now and, even plastered to his head and neck by that rain it suits him very well.

“Are you alright?”

For the first time he acknowledges my presence, lifting his red rimmed eyes to look at me with a dead, dull expression. He says nothing.

“Silver, you have to move, have to get warm... you’re too cold.”

“Not as cold as he is.” His voice is as dry as dust, weak and full of pain.

“No, not that cold, but you will be if you don’t move.” He blinks, looking completely spent, exhausted. “Please Silver, please... don’t do this, don’t give up. If I lose you I have nothing. I may as well lie down next to you and go with you.”

There is a flicker in his eyes but it swiftly passes. He shakes his head wearily and pulls his hand from mine raising it to touch the lettering on the stone again.

“He was so young. He didn’t deserve to die.”

“No. No he didn’t, and neither do you. You have to say goodbye Silver, you have to say goodbye and move on. You have a life and you have to live it now.”

“He had a life.”

“He did and he lived it... he lived it to the full, as far as he could. It wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault.”

He drops his eyes, slumping even more.

“Yes it was.” He whispers. “I should never have let him love me.”

“’Let him love you’? How can you stop someone loving... you, anyone? Love comes where it will... and it doesn’t come very often; not that kind of love; not the kind of love I have for you.”

“He didn’t know the rules, not really. He was so young, so new, so bright... and I... I did. I should have known. I did know. I did know what would happen if we were found but I was too selfish to stop. I let it happen. I let him love me and I let him die.”

“You did no such thing. You fell in love and so did he. He made the ultimate sacrifice and you almost did too. Would you really dishonour that? Would you let him have died in vain?”

He looks up sharply with a question in his eyes. I take a deep breath. It’s now or never.

“Do you really think that David would have wanted this? Do you think he would have wanted you to just give up... to throw his love back in his face by letting it ruin your life... to end it?”

Automatically he shakes his head and whispers, “No.”

“From what you have told me, David was a special person. He was full of light and life and he saw the same things in you. He loved the same things I do: your beauty, your gentleness, your faithfulness, your light, your life... and most of all your courage. He would be devastated if he knew that the very things he loved you for destroyed you.

“David fought for you to the end. He fought for you to live, to be free. Well you’re not free Silver, you won’t let yourself be free. The chains you have wrapped around yourself are unbreakable... by anyone but you. You’ve chained yourself to a memory, to a dark, horrible memory. You’ve doomed yourself because of a guilt that should never have been yours.”

He bites his lip as more tears fall from his beautiful eyes. I reach out to wipe them away and he doesn’t pull back.

“David fought for you to live. If you don’t do the same thing he died in vain. I know you loved him... I know you still do but... that doesn’t mean you can’t love me too. It doesn’t mean you are unfaithful to him. It’s what he would have wanted. It’s what you would have wanted if it was him sitting here and you...

“You have to let go of the guilt now Silver. You have to let go of the pain and the horror... and you have to let go of him.” He flinches. “That doesn’t mean you have to forget him. It doesn’t mean you have to stop loving him. You just have to stop clinging to his ghost. You have to live again, to love again. That’s the way to honour his memory. That’s the way to make him proud. That’s the way to make sure that he didn’t die in vain. Make every day a tribute to his love... by going on, making a happy life for yourself and living it to the full. Let the light back in Silver, let it heal you, let me love you... please, please let me love you. I need you.”

He opens his mouth to say something then closes it again and turns his head back to the stone. I can feel that he is full of confusion, full of pain. It is a defining moment and the most terrifying of my life. It could go either way and I have to let him make the choice himself.

I take his hand again and he doesn’t resist. It is so, so cold and I am so, so scared.

After a very long time he turns his face, wet with tears, blotched, swollen but breathtakingly beautiful. His eyes are sad but they aren’t dead any more.

“I love you River.”

“I know you do. I know... and I love you too, more than you can imagine. If you give up I can’t go on. I can’t do this without you, not any more.”

“I... I want to. I want to let go and move on. I want to give myself to you but... I can’t. I can’t let go. I can’t... I feel so guilty, so responsible and I... I’m afraid. The only time I have ever loved: the only time I gave myself totally and completely to someone... it killed him... and I have almost killed you... twice.

“When I saw you... when you were hurt and I thought... I thought... It was my fault... It was my fault again. I got you hurt and I can’t...”

“Silver. Don’t ever think like that again. Not for me. I made my own decisions. I chose to be with you. I chose to stay with you. I chose to let myself love you. Don't throw that back in my face. Don’t use me as a reason to give up. If you do that I’ll never forgive you.”

His eyes widen slightly and I sense that this is the moment. I keep thinking that we have reached it but this time I know, I know beyond doubt. This is the moment, the make or break time.

I reach out and take him into my arms. He doesn’t resist. He is so cold it makes me shiver just to touch him.

“I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve gone through, what you felt when David died. But I can understand a portion of it because I went through it myself. Do you have any idea how I felt when Faith shot you, when I held you in my arms and watched you bleed. I thought I was going to lose you right there and then. And then I sat by your bed in the hospital. You were in a coma and you were so... I felt as if my heart had been ripped out and as much as the doctors were telling me you were going to be alright I couldn’t believe it. I felt as if my life was ending.

“I blamed myself. I promised to take care of you, to protect you and I failed. The guilt was awful. It was crippling. It was Sam who set me straight. I realised that the only way I would let you down was if I gave up on you, if I gave up on us.

“And then when Faith was standing over you with a gun. Nick was dead on the floor and only minutes earlier I had had been talking to him, flirting with him in the kitchen. I told him he didn’t have a chance because my heart belonged to someone else and when I saw Faith, when I heard him say he was going to kill you it felt as if my heart was going to be torn out all over again.

“That’s why I fought him: that’s why I killed him... for you. I was protecting you... like I promised.”

Silver is silent in my arms. Apart from the violent shivering, which he can’t help, he doesn’t move at all although I can sense the turmoil within. I practically hold my breath. I have done all I can do and now it’s down to him.

After what seems like a long time. When I am on the point of getting the vicar to help me physically haul him out of there before collapses for real he gives a huge shuddering sigh and melts into my arms. One hand reaches out to run over the objects on the grave.

“What are these?”

“The vicar said that his friends come here. They leave things that have meaning for them; a parting gift; their way of saying goodbye.”

Silver nods. “I don’t have anything.”

I feel dizzy with relief. It’s been a hard road and it’s going to remain a bumpy one but I know that he has turned a corner. He’s heading in the right direction now, moving into the future not chained to the past.

“Yes you do.”

He looks up at me, his eyes no longer dead but with curiosity mixed in with the weariness.

“You have to come back to the car to see.”

He nods and sighs. Letting the rug slip to the floor he makes a valiant effort to pull himself up by the headstone but exhaustion and cold have stolen his strength. I sling his arm around my shoulders and, for once careless of the pain I might cause him I throw mine around his waist and haul him to his feet. He gasps and sags against me and I have to just about drag him to the chair. He sinks into it gratefully and I tuck the rug around his legs. He is still shivering.

I want nothing more than to get him into the car with the heater on full blast and to make him warm. But I know how important this is to him so I wheel him to the back of the car and open the boot. Very carefully taking out the object which had been wrapped in the rug I put it into his shaking hands.

Silver stares at it and then up at me, fresh tears in his eyes. I don’t mind these tears because they are different, they are healing tears.

“You... kept this.”

“I kept them all.”

For a moment he fights a war not to lose his voice in the emotion then he smiles. “It’s perfect.”