Enigma - 12. Chapter 12 - Making Friends

The last seven days have been... interesting. The huge progress that was made that first day was never repeated and Silver hasn’t talked much more about what happened to him. He has spent much of his time alone in his room, painting, reading or listening to music.

I checked out with the doctor about the amount of time he spends alone and he reassured me that this was fine as long as he didn’t seem to be becoming depressed or withdrawn, which he certainly hasn’t.

For at least a part of every day we have spent time together. Sometimes we do puzzles, at which he is so much better than I am. Sometimes we watch a film on television and discuss it extensively as it happens. What usually happens is that Silver watches for five minutes or so and then becomes puzzled by something and starts asking questions which turn into discussions which result in us not actually watching the film at all.

It has been very refreshing having Silver’s perspective on life. It is so different to anything I have experienced before. Nikki had been fairly dark even before he was taken and had always been prone to dark moods and depression. It is abundantly clear that Silver is nothing like that and never has been.

More and more over the week a wicked sense of humour and innate playfulness has emerged which has made it an absolute pleasure to be in his company. I miss him when he retreats to his room.

Silver still won’t talk about his life before and he won’t tell me his name. I know he’s remembered it because he has been on the verge of telling me more than once but stops himself saying that he isn’t ready to be that person yet. I’m pretty sure he’s remembered it all now. I don’t quite know why I think that because he won’t talk about it, but there are lots of little things that are changing in him that lead me to that conclusion.

For one thing his paintings, which he shows me excitedly whenever a new one is finished, have radically changed. In the first few days he produced canvas after canvas of twisted bodies and both people and animals in cages with leashes around their necks and chains around their arms and legs. The predominant colours were black and red. Many of the subjects were recognisably David and I studied them carefully, an idea forming in my mind.

Over the last few days the paintings have radically changed. He is painting landscapes, filled with details, in greens, blues and purples. Where there are figures they are relaxed and strolling, always the same two, sometimes accompanied by a child. I have wondered if they are Silver’s parents with him, or a sibling.

As well as the paintings there are scores of pencil and pen and ink drawings. Sometimes he brings his sketch book downstairs and sits at the kitchen table, or works when we are watching television. Recently he has been very close with this work, refusing to show me any of them.

I have also been teaching Silver to cook. He is very deft with his hands and he has taken to it readily. He likes the structure, the regimented steps and foregone outcome. He is still happier when he is following directions and has problems with decisions. However, it is improving slowly.

The doctor is coming this afternoon and we are hopeful that he will say that I can take Silver out. Silver is nervous about this. He is beginning to feel safe now, here with me but the big wide world outside the front door is terrifying for him. I have promised that I would take him to an art shop and that has made a difference. Now the fear is tinged with excitement.

I am sitting in the office writing up notes. It is becoming uncomfortable for me. More and more I am seeing Silver as a friend and not patient. We are comfortable in each other’s company and, more than that, we take pleasure in it. Silver is charming, quick witted and humorous. Of course it doesn’t hurt that he is also very beautiful, a beauty that is becoming more and more apparent as it is augmented and enhanced by the beauty that is inside and beginning to emerge.

We laugh and talk, about everything from philosophy to religion and Silver has found an opinion on them all, at least to some small degree. I say ‘found’ and not ‘had’ because, to begin with he had no opinion on anything, he hadn’t been allowed to. He looks to me to tell him what the answers are and it has taken some time for him to realise that sometimes there are no sure answers, only opinions, beliefs and hypotheses.

This, I think, has been the hardest thing of all for him to get his head around. For what seems to have been at least a third of his entire life he has been actively and aggressively conditioned to have no opinions of his own, no will, no independent thought. To break that conditioning, first by enabling him to make decisions and then to formulate opinions has been the most difficult but most rewarding of all that has so far been achieved.

Silver doesn’t realise it but every conversation we have draws him further down that road, from choosing what we drink and what we eat, to pondering the deeper mysteries of the universe, of which he only has the barest understanding. To my great surprise and delight, once the process starts it rolls forward at an incredible pace and our discussions have recently taken on a different dimension. Whereas before I was leading him, encouraging him and coaxing him to formulate the opinions and feel comfortable with doing so, these last two days he has begun to accept the process and now he is not only forming opinions but learning to defend them, constantly questioning me and forcing me to address and defend my own beliefs.

I have to admit that this process has not always been comfortable for me. Silver is uncannily perceptive and seems to know instinctively when I am uncertain or wavering, when perhaps my expressed opinion is not entirely my own or not clearly formulated or understood. That is never good enough for him. He questions everything, refusing to accept anything until it has been explained and established to his satisfaction. And that is not easy.

In some ways it is like explaining complex concepts to a child... someone who has not had the time and experience to absorb the usual social conditioning and coming to it with a completely open mind. He has no frame of reference. In other ways it is like facing an academic predator with a laser sharp mind and limitless curiosity.

It has been quite an experience. I find myself looking forward enormously to our nightly discussions and have been choosing films that deliberately provoke thought. At first it was on social structure, norms and taboos, things that have never been instilled in Silver, quite the reverse. Although he found these profoundly uncomfortable and was often reduced to a shivering wreck during those conversations, he never shied from them, facing difficulties, sometimes with hesitancy, often with fear but always with alacrity and a dogged refusal to give up until he has at least understood if not entirely assimilated.

So many times, even in the last few hours, I have seen Silver fall apart, suffer intolerable emotional pain, but always pull himself back and carry on. I have developed a deep respect for him... for his courage and tenacity and, following on from that a genuine friendship that transcends our roles and grows stronger every day.

This has not always been easy for me. It has become more and more difficult to draw the line and I have almost stepped over it countless times. A look, a smile, the accidental brush of skin against skin have devastating effects on my equilibrium and my libido. So many times I have had to leave the room to compose myself before I can face him again and he has no idea...

Given that he has been bound for many years to an essentially sexual lifestyle Silver is remarkably unaware of the devastating effect of his innocent and naturally flirtatious manner. He is so open and honest, so uninhibited and it drives me crazy.

Yesterday we were making dinner in the kitchen, chatting about inconsequential things and laughing together in the easy way of close friends, friends who have shared the most intimate moments when the soul is stripped bare and the truth spoken is of the ultimate kind. I had said something that made Silver laugh helplessly, so much so that the knife he was using to chop onions slipped and he cut his finger.

It wasn’t a serious cut, not deep or large but shocking nevertheless. He gasped and I acted instinctively, grabbing his hand and lifting his finger to my lips, sucking gently at the blood. Silver looked at me with the strangest look on his face, his lips forming an ‘O’ of surprise and for one long moment we stared at each other, his finger in my mouth... and then I dropped it and turned away to find a plaster in the kitchen cupboard.

Little moment like that, hot moments, dangerous moments have been cropping up more and more and I am getting worried about where they are going to lead. I feel that I am completely stuck. If I stay then I am staring into the jaws of danger yet I couldn’t bear to leave now. Hmm... maybe that line has already been crossed after all.

This is why it is so difficult to write my notes. I have to fillet out the personal stuff and keep it cold and professional, yet how can I be cold when I am writing about Silver. It almost feels like a betrayal of our friendship to be writing such personal things about him and yet it is my job, my duty and the only way that I can be allowed to remain this close to him.

With a sigh I scan the pages I have written and fax them as required then put them into the folder and close it.

For a moment I sit and contemplate my life, the things that have brought me here and where the path before me is leading. It had been so clear and yet now... now nothing is clear. Every time I think of the future it either looks cold and empty, without Silver, or... impossible.

“River.” A gentle tap on the door startles me out of my reverie and, despite myself I smile.

“Come in.” He got the idea of privacy and of knocking before you enter very quickly. It was a simple but effective lesson. Respect and privacy were things that he had always been expected to give but had never received. It was easy for him to respect my privacy but less easy for him to accept that he is entitled to the same.

He lights up the room with his presence. It is a gloomy room filled with filing cabinets, office equipment etc and dominated by a huge oak desk that is usually littered with papers and general office debris except, as is the case today, when Ronya throws a fit and clears everything warning everyone with dire threats not to untidy it again which are enforced for a few days until she gives up in exasperation until the next time.

With seven very different personalities making regular use of the room it was difficult for Ronya to keep order. However, with only the two of us, given that I naturally like order in any event, it is likely that order’s reign will be longer this time.

I sit back in the chair and look up smiling. He looks excited.

“Are you busy?”

“Nope... all done. What’s up?”

“I’ve finished. Will you come and look?”

There is no need to ask ‘finished what’ because he only ever gets this excited when he has finished a painting.

“Hmm... I don’t know. I was quite comfortable here...and it is time to start making dinner and...”

“River,” he admonished and grabs me by the wrist yanking me from the chair. “Stop teasing me. You are going to like this one.”

He is bursting with excitement, a kind of frenetic energy that reminds me of Julia. I realise that I miss Julia. The house seems quiet without her.

Not letting go of my wrist Silver tows me to the bedroom and throws open the door with a silent ‘Tada’. He is grinning all over his face and I am very curious now. I walk into the room and glance around. Finished paintings are hanging on the wall, propped against the furniture and stacked in an untidy pile in the corner. Ronya has taken several trips to the art shop and the assistant knows her quite well now.

Smiling I turn to look at the canvas on the easel and I freeze. It is a strange sensation, as if my entire body just stops. To say that I am stunned would be like saying that lava is hot or the ocean is wet. I can’t move. I can't speak. I can’t take my eye off the painting.

“Do you like it?” Silver’s voice is slightly anxious now, slightly hesitant, slightly doubtful.

Like it? Like is such a bland word. There is no way that a word such as ‘like’ would express the complex mix of emotion that is coursing through me right now, paralysing me.

The painting is... it is... it is by far the best he has done so far. The colours are muted... earth tones of ochre, terracotta and peach with splashes of purple and grey. Essentially it is of a figure reclining on a couch, a blanket draped over his legs and his arm raised over his head, the elbow bent.

There are very few other details to detract from the figure. The background is terracotta and ochre with purple swirls at the edges as if everything else apart from this one scene, has just faded into the background. However, the lack of detail in the background is more than made up for by the incredible detail on the couch the blanket and the figure which lies between the two.

The figure is naked, of course, all of Silver’s subjects are naked, except for the couple and their child who wander the gentle rounded landscapes. This is not a shock, neither is the sheer brilliance of the work. The thing that shocks me, that astonishes me and, frankly that scares the hell out of me, is the fact that the figure is me.

“Don’t you like it River? I thought you would like it. I worked hard. I... I wanted... I really wanted you to...” He pauses and bites his lip, “... to like it.”

The anxiousness in his voice finally gets through to me and I turn and smile at him, trying to force my whirling emotions back into their box and keep them from my eyes and voice.

“Of course I like it. How could I not like it? It’s awesome. It’s the best you’ve done. You really are talented Silver. I can’t believe how fast you paint.”

“This one wasn’t fast. I have been working on it in between other things for a long time. I wanted to get it just right.” The pride in his voice is so beautiful to hear. It has been such a long time since he has had pride in anything, least of all himself.

“And you have. It’s just... just...” I might as well have hit him. His eyes widen and then drop and his lips tremble.

“You don’t like it.” His voice is flat, emotionless.

“No! No...it isn’t that I don’t like it. I do like it. I like it a lot.” A spark of hope lights in his eyes and some of the excitement comes back. “It’s just... it’s just... a bit of a shock... seeing myself like that. I didn’t think...” I take a deep breath and plough on. “Thinking that... that you see me like... like that. It’s... unsettling, uncomfortable.”

I try to be honest without hurting his feelings again. I breathe a sigh of relief. He is smiling again.

“I could say that I see everyone like that... but I’m not sure that’s true. I don’t think I see Dr Marshall like that.” He looks at me, pondering. “Although that might be interesting for my next project.”

I splutter, my mind trying to imagine Dr Marshall in that position but balking from the task. Silver is giggling too... and then he isn’t. He’s moved without me hearing or noticing and suddenly he is very close, too close, uncomfortably close.

“River... I know what you think. I know what you are going to say, and you’re right but... at the same time you’re wrong. I know that my life these last few years has not been... normal. I know that I still have a lot of twisted ideas and conditioning and I know that they will confuse me and cause... difficulties but...”

He steps closer still and I know that I should turn away, push him away, run away... but I can’t move. I stare into his eyes as he leans closer. He is taller than me, not much but I am still looking up at him.

“I know how I feel about you River.”

Shit! “No Silver.” I step back and put my hand on his chest, holding him at arm’s length. “You can’t think like this. It’s not right. You’re right... you are confused. You can’t trust your feelings in this.” Trying to ignore his crushed look I press on. “I’m the first person you have been close to, the first person you have felt safe with. I am your first friend since David and it is understandable that you feel... that you think there is more than there is.

“Please... don’t think that I don’t like you. Don’t think that we have to stop being friends but I can’t... I can’t be anything more.

“When you leave here you will make friends, many friends. You are so beautiful that you will be surrounded by people who will fall in love with you. Give it time, give it space and let your emotions, your feelings, have time to settle. You’ve been in a very... unreal environment for so long. You don’t know what love is... it will take time for you to work out what you want out of a partner.”

“Don’t underestimate me River.” He says softly. “I know what I want. I know how to love.”

“I don’t doubt that you do... I just don’t think you know how to recognise it right now, how to separate it from... other things.”

“Lust you mean? Oh I know all about that too. I know that lust is all about taking... and love about giving. Only once have I willingly given my body to another person... only once... and I know the difference River. Believe me I know.”

I am falling deeper and deeper into his eyes with every word he says. They hypnotise me with their intensity, their strangeness. I want to... I want to... My hand is trembling against his chest and I know he feels it. “You think you do.” My voice is hoarse and I swallow hard to clear it. “Silver... it makes no difference. It can’t be. I am your carer and you are vulnerable at the moment. Whatever you think, whatever you feel, that is the truth. I am the professional here and I have to keep a professional distance. What you are asking, what you are looking for is impossible.”

Silver’s eyes turn cold. “Are you saying then that you were just pretending to be my friend? That all along, all you have been is a carer, a professional, a counsellor, and never a friend?”

“No... that’s not it, not it at all. Of course I have been your friend, I am your friend but... There’s a line Silver, a line I can’t cross. Please understand that. I will be your friend... I will always be your friend... but nothing more.”

Silver looks at me and his eyes change. They are no longer cold but burning with something I have never seen there before. Batting away my powerless arm he steps closer and his eyes, those eyes, those strange hypnotic eyes bore into mine.

“Can you tell me that line has not been crossed? I have seen you watch me. I have seen your eyes... and yesterday, when you put my finger in your mouth...” His voice is husky and his eyes... oh God... Oh God! How can I tell him he’s wrong? How can I say no when my heart is screaming Yes! Yes! Yes!

I hear the door open and footsteps in the hall. Silver pauses a moment, still far, far too close, and then he moves reluctantly away from me and I escape.

I am trembling as I go down the stairs and part of me is horrified to see that it is Dr Marshall. Damn! Of course. I remember now that he is expected.

“Hello River. I’m sorry I’m late.” Yeah, and so am I, I think to myself.

“That’s alright. Would you like a cup of tea?”

“No thank you. I know this is unfair of me but I don’t have much time this evening and I would like to get right down to business. I have read you reports and frankly I am astonished. If it is as you say it is then it is nothing short of a miracle.”

“Of course it’s as I say it is, why would I lie?”

The doctor looks at me pointedly, and I regret the sharpness of my words.

“I am not suggesting that you lied River... why would I do that? As you rightly say... why would you do that?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to come out like that. I’m just a little...”

“A little...?”

“Um... Just a little... distracted.”

Oh shit. This is an eminent and very skilled psychiatrist. He is going to see through me like a window. What the hell am I supposed to say now? Fortunately the doctor is pressed for time and he doesn’t want to get into that kind of discussion. He peers at me for a moment then smiles and nods.

“Understandable. If you don’t mind I’ll go upstairs to see Silver today. It’s more relaxed than the office and I would like to give him a thorough examination.”

My heart stops. If he goes upstairs he is going to see the painting. Fuck. But he’s going to want to see the paintings anyway... isn’t he? Ah shit! Ah well!

“Of course. Go on up. Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, that’s alright River. I would like to talk to Silver alone. I’ll speak to you in the office when I’m done.”

I spend the next few hours in an absolute frenzy of anticipation and dread. What is the doctor going to think? What is he going to do? What the hell are they doing up there? The endless cups of coffee don’t help and I am buzzing by the time I hear footsteps on the stairs.

Silver follows Dr Marshall down. He is scowling but the doctor is smiling broadly. A smile like that is so alien to his usually dour face that my stomach drops. What on earth has Silver been telling him?

“If you wouldn’t mind joining me in the office River. I’ll try not to keep you too long.”

“I’ll start dinner shall I?” I wince at the sarcastic tone in Silver’s voice but the doctor is delighted.

He barely lets me sit down before he starts telling me how delighted he is by the change in Silver and the progress he has made in only a week.

“I know that you were the key River. He needed a friend and you have fulfilled that role better than I could have hoped for. Silver has told me all about the discussions you have and the activities you have undertaken together. The bedroom looks wonderful and it was inspired to get Silver to help you decorate. He feels pride in that, really sees it as his own.

“The really inspired thinking though was with regard to the art.” Uh Oh! Here it comes. My heart sinks. “There’s no doubt that Silver is a very talented artist and it is amazing to see the progress he has made as it is represented through his art. I am truly astonished.

“It seems that somehow you have turned a key that has unlocked the chains that were binding him. There is very little danger now, I think of him withdrawing again. The work is going to be to educate him and integrate him back into a normal life, while providing support and counselling for the issues it is obviously going to be raising in him.

“I think you have already done a great job in this... the nightly discussions are another excellent idea. He seems to enjoy them and be learning from them. He is a lot more open than he was before although he still shows a great reluctance to talk about the time he has spent in captivity or about the life he had before. Do you think that he remembers?”

“Er...yes.” I can’t believe that he has actually mentioned the art but not the painting. Maybe he didn’t recognise me. Maybe he didn’t care. “There have been a number of occasions when he seems to have been about to say something but pulls himself up. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t remember it’s just that he doesn’t want to talk about it.”

The doctor nods. “That’s pretty much what I had concluded. Even so... the progress has been remarkable. It was always that case that once the conditioning began to break it would tumble like a house of cards. He just needed that push and a lot of support to rebuild and reinforce positive alternatives. However, I hadn’t realise just how quickly that would happen. I am extremely impressed with you River, you’ve done some excellent work here. I don’t know what would have happened to Silver if it hadn’t been for you. This is not something we would ever have considered.”

I smile outwardly while inwardly cringe. Good work? Yeah right. It was a piece of work alright. I sigh.

“I think that this next week you should continue exactly as you have. I wouldn’t expect anything like as much progress but if you keep on the way you are I think he’ll be well on the right road and we can look at easing back a little, reintroducing the other carers and maybe another resident. But we’ll see how it goes at the time.

“In the meantime, Silver has expressed a wish to be allowed to go out as he feels cooped up in the house. The last thing I want is for him to start feeling like a prisoner again. I think it would be wise to keep trips short and focussed. For example a visit to the art shop might be very beneficial, or a short trip to beach... perhaps a walk along the cliff path where there are not likely to be too many people about. I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay, that will be good.”

“Excellent. Now with regard to medication... given the remarkable progress I have considered reducing it but because of the speed that everything is happening and because of the traumatic nature of the thing that he’s working through I think that it would be best to leave things as they are for a while, just to give him a little extra support as he works through the more traumatic experiences. We’ll review the situation again in a week.”

“Okay... that’s... cool.”

“Is everything alright with you River? I am a little concerned that I am putting too much responsibility on your shoulders. You have been coping well but you seem somewhat stressed this evening. Would you like me to arrange some relief cover?”

“No.” I bite my tongue for being too eager. “No it’s alright. I can manage. Silver’s no trouble. He sleeps through the night and spends a lot of time in his room. If I need to go anywhere Ronya keeps an eye on him and now that he can go outside it will be easier again. I’m fine, honestly.”

The doctor nodded thoughtfully. “Alright. We’ll try it for another week and see where we go but after that I think it would be good for Silver to start getting used to other people being around. We’ll see what happens.”

“Okay. That’s fine.”

“Keep sending the daily reports and remember that you have my number and I want you to call me if there is anything... and I mean anything, that concerns you.”

“Thanks. Will do.”

The doctor smiles again and nods. I am really confused. Why isn’t he mentioning the painting? Surely he must have seen it, he must have thought the same things I did about it. Or... or... is he... is he saying that he’s alright with it? I am completely confused.