Enigma - 5. Chapter 5 - Shades of Blue

We work solidly until lunch time when Julia runs off to shower before college. I take Silver downstairs to make food only to find that Louise has beaten us to it.

The smell tickling our noses as we come down the stairs makes me feel warm inside.

“Someone’s been busy.”

“I thought I might as well, seeing as you stole my charge.”

“Well you could have come and helped.”

“Yeah... I think I prefer the cooking; besides that room is too small for four.”

“It’s too small for three really but having Julia around is fun.”

“Always.”

We sit at the table and I sniff hopefully. “Oh no you don’t. We wait until Julia is here.”

I groan exaggeratedly. “You know what she’s like when she’s getting ready. I’ll starve to death while we’re waiting.”

“Oh I don’t think you’re in any immediate danger.” She teases as she pinches my love handles... not that I have love handles of course; well maybe really small ones.

“Oww... you cut me to the quick.”

“Yeah right. Get over it.”

“What are we having?”

“Home made stew with crusty bread... and I made a casserole for tonight. I figured that you guys would be tired after your busy day.”

“You’re an angel.”

“One with black wings maybe,” she joked.

All the while we banter Silver sits upright and immobile, staring at the table in front of him.

“So how did you enjoy the painting, Silver. I hope River isn’t working you too hard.”

Silver doesn’t move. Louise turns to him with soft eyes and crouches down by the chair, touching his hand. After a moment when he doesn’t seem to be aware she is there, he turns his head slowly to look at her with blank and uninterested eyes.

“Did you like painting?”

There is not the slightest flicker of understanding or interest in his eyes or on his face. Is he hearing her? Is he seeing her? She reaches up and tucks a stray lock of hair that has escaped from his band, behind his ear and he flinches at her touch. She frowns and looks up at me. I shrug.

“Do you like the new colour of your room, Silver?” She tries again. He blinks but says nothing.

Smiling gently up into his face she brushes his cheek with her finger tips. “What are you thinking in there? Are you thinking at all? Do you even know I’m here? What are you hiding from? I wish you knew that you’re safe here... that we only want to help you.”

Silver frowns, a brief, sad expression that is gone as soon as it appears. He shakes his head shortly and turns his face away to stare at the table again. Getting up, Louise strokes his hair for a moment then goes back to cooking. I sit across from Silver and watch him carefully. The only things that moves on his face are his eyelids when he blinks. The only expression in his eyes is one of sadness which comes more from what I am feeling than what he is.

Maybe I shouldn’t have but I can’t help it. Something in me tells me that he is lost, fading, moving further and further away from the real world into the world he is building and reinforcing inside his head and there is only one way to get him out... making this world more real and safer. So I reach across the table and take his hand. It is passive, cool to my touch. He doesn’t move; doesn’t look at it; doesn’t look at me.

“I know, Silver. It’s okay. I know.”

A shudder passes through his body and his eyes flick up to mine. I smile but he just looks scared. He shakes his head again.

“You’re safe now. Whatever happened before is never going to happen again. You don’t have to be afraid anymore. We are going to take care of you, to keep you safe.” Again the abrupt shake of his head but he doesn’t take his eyes away from mine; doesn’t retreat behind the screen again. Is there something hopeful somewhere in there? Is there somewhere he can get his foot on solid ground and start to climb out of the pit he has fallen into?

“I’m going to find you, Silver. I’m going to find you and I’m going to save you. You’ve already saved yourself haven’t you?” His lips part slightly and I think he is going to say something. His eyes are very bright and I know I’m right... I KNOW it... and so does he. But, as usual I have to push too far. I always push too far. “What’s your name? What was it before...?”

He shakes his head violently and jerks back, tearing his hand from mine. For a moment he stares wildly around as if he is thinking of running but instead closes his eyes.

“Don’t, Silver. Don’t hide any more. Please... please give us a chance to help you.”

He shakes his head repeatedly; his mouth compressed. He is biting his lip and a bead of bright blood escapes and runs down his chin, dripping onto the tablecloth.

“Don’t do that Silver. Don’t hurt yourself.” I snap, more harshly than I should because I’m scared.

“No...m...sir.”

“Don’t call me that. Don't ever even think of calling me that. No one here will ever give you orders Silver, we only tell you what to do because you won’t do it yourself. You’ll learn. Remember the conditioner in the shower? You knew what to do with that. Give us a chance. Give yourself a chance.”

He is shaking his head and the only expression in his eyes is fear. I hurt inside to see that because I’ve seen it before.

“Please, Silver. Just be brave for a little while. Please.”

He is still shaking his head only now the movements are getting jerky and his eyes are fluttering. He no longer knows I’m here.

I get up and hurry around the table to stand behind him like I did before. His body is shaking under my fingers.

“Ah, Silver... I’m sorry. I pushed too far. I always push too far. It’s okay mate. I’m here; it’s okay.”

Louise has abandoned the stew. “What’s going on?”

“It’s alright. He’s having a seizure but it’s not a major one. He’ll be fine in a minute.”

“What was that all that about?”

I close my eyes and shake my head. “I’m not sure.”

“You seemed to have got through to him. Not sure that was a good thing but...”

“Yeah... I think I might leave it to the experts next time.”

“Make sure you write it up.”

“Yeah.”

We are speaking for the sake of it. Our eyes are fixed on Silver and we are both lost in our own thoughts.

It seems like a long time before Silver relaxes and, like before lets his head fall back against me. This time his eyes are open and he stares up at. For a while his eyes are wide and blank but then he blinks at me with a puzzled frown on his face. I smile and stroke his hair until Louise puts her hand on my arm, distracting both of us.

“Maybe you should sit down now, River.” Her voice isn’t hostile but it is firm and there is a deal of sympathy in her eyes; but a warning too. Blushing I nod and move around the table.

“Actually, can you give Julia and Ronya a shout and I’ll dish out dinner.”

All through dinner Silver is silent, completely withdrawn; not speaking, not answering and not meeting anyone’s eyes. The soup is really good but he barely touches it, just swirls it around and around with his spoon, lost in its depths.

Julia chats excitedly about her college course and all the things she is going to do this afternoon. I have to smile listening to her but all the time I have one eye on Silver and the part of me attached to that eye isn’t smiling. His hand is shaking and his eyes are very bright as if there are tears close to the surface.

After lunch we say goodbye to Julia and get back to our work. We have already finished the walls and, thankfully the ‘one coat’ paint has lived up to its claim and the roses are gone. The paint is practically dry and so we start by moving all the furniture back.

I direct Silver to start staining the panels on the front of the wardrobe with the blue stain, after first showing him very carefully how to do it. Unsurprisingly he catches on quickly and I leave him deep in concentration.

On the landing I take out the ironing board and steam iron and start ironing the new curtains and bedding, using the steam to unstiffen some of the starchiness. While I’m working I watch Silver through the open door. He seems very relaxed now, absorbed in his painting. I’m not surprised by what happened; not really. It just reinforces what I am thinking. I wish it didn’t.

As I watch, Silver finishes the panels and sits back on his heels with a sigh. He pushes back from his face the wild strands of hair that escape the band no matter how careful we are to capture them all. There is something about that gesture, simple as it is, that touches me. It is completely natural, unconscious, spontaneous... all the things that Silver usually isn’t. In that moment I so want to touch him.

Leaving the ironing I gently take the brush out of Silver’s hand. He flinches and looked up at me anxiously. I smile at him.

“It’s okay,” I say gently. “No more talking today, Silver; not unless you want to. Let me show you how to take the handles off the drawers so we can stain them.”

He gets obediently to his feet. I help him to empty the drawers and stack the clothing neatly on the bed. Making sure that he knows what he is doing with the handles, I go back and finish the ironing.

We spend a happy hour in silence, working shoulder to shoulder to stain the drawers and the bass relief on the foot of the bed. Silver then helps me hang the curtains and make up the bed. In all that time he doesn’t say a word and never meets my eye. I wonder if I have ruined whatever chance I may have had to get through to him; if pushing him too hard has irrevocably damaged the fragile trust that was beginning to flower between us.

When we are done I stand back, in the bedroom doorway and survey our work. The room is a little stinky from all the fumes but the roses are decidedly gone. Ronya has outdone herself in her choices and all the different shades of blue work together like magic. The bright, almost sky blue on the walls contrasts with the darker blue of the wood stain and the midnight blue of the duvet cover and curtains. A snaking vine of silver embroidered embossing on the curtains and bed linen adds a touch of glamour.

“Wow... it’s definitely blue. You did say you like blue right?”

Silver is standing just in front of me and he half turns to look at me. It’s the first time all afternoon he has reacted in any way to my voice and it makes my heart beat faster.

He opens his lips to speak and then his eyes open a little wider and he leans closer, his head tilted to one side.

“Your eyes are blue.”

I’m taken aback, even shocked. It was so unexpected. I manage to stammer. “Y... yes... yes they are.”

He nods. “I like blue.”

I am utterly shocked. Not only by what happened and the look in his eyes for that fraction of a second he opened to me... but by the simple and undeniable fact that he had actually volunteered an opinion. Okay, it was in response to a question but still...

“Do you like your room?”

“Mine?”

“As long as you are here yes... all yours.”

He turns his head, looking around. His eyes wander lovingly over everything. I can't see the look on his face because he has his back to me again, but I can tell by the tension in his shoulders that he is struggling with something. I put a hand on his shoulder and he flinches but doesn’t move. Again I feel his body tremble under my hand but I know that this is different. This is not a seizure; this is fear, pure and simple.

“I’m here for you, Silver. No stress; no pressure. I won’t push you again, but I am here for you.”

The trembling intensifies and he starts to shake his head from side to side. I can practically feel the pain and fear warring inside him.

“Silver...” I don’t know what I was going to say because I don’t have time to say it. Silver turns and throws himself at me so hard I am slammed back into the door frame. For a split second I think he is attacking me, but he isn’t. He puts his arms around me and clings to me for dear life, his head on my shoulder. Stunned, there is nothing I can do but put my arms around him and hold him while his body is wracked by silent sobs that seem to be trying to tear him apart from within.

“It’s alright, Silver. You’re safe now. You don’t have to be afraid any more. You are safe.” I keep repeating it over and over and over even though I have no idea if he’s hearing me or not. He is shaking so badly that we can barely keep out feet. At some point his knees give way and he pulls us both onto the floor, still clinging to me, crushing me with his arms and pressing his face against my shoulder. His heart is hammering and he is sobbing openly now.

Over the sobbing I hear hurrying footsteps on the stairs. “What was that bang... oh? Is everything alright River?”

“I... I think so.”

“Do you need any help?”

“No; no it’s okay. I think I’ve got it under control.”

“Really?” I almost laugh at the sarcastic doubt in her voice, but she retreats and I focus on the boy in my arms who is slowly falling apart.

“Silver... listen to me. I know it’s hard. I know it is; but you have to listen to me. Listen to me.” When there is no response, I put all the authority I can muster into my voice and snap. “Listen to me, Silver,” and it kills me that it is this, over everything, that finally gets through to him.

A shudder passes through his body and he pulls away from me, his eyes, rising briefly to my face, looking dull but not lifeless. Then he hangs his head. “No, Silver.” I put my hands each side of his face and tilt it up to look him in the eyes. He flinches but doesn’t look away.

“No one is going to hurt you here... no one. We are going to take care of you, and we are going to make you well again. I know you don’t want to be. I know you want to stay in your safe place but you know you can't do that forever. Your body is healed now and you have to heal your mind too.” He tries to turn his head away but I won’t let him.

“Believe me, Silver... I know that you don’t want to face what happened. I know you don’t want to face any of it. You don’t want to remember and you don’t want to live your life in the shadow of what happened but you don’t have to do any of it on your own. You are protected here and there are people who will help you; who will support you. Do you understand that?”

Again he tries to turn away but I hold him firmly. “Look at me, Silver.” Reluctantly he raises his eyes again. “Do you understand that you are safe?”

He shakes his head. “You are safe. You are protected. No one will hurt you again. Do you understand that?”

After a time during which I can feel the struggle in him, he seems to collapse in on himself and sinks back to sit against the other side of the doorway with his back against the frame. We stare at each other across the vast distance between us. His eyes are still dull but have more life in them than I have ever seen there.

“Do you understand?” He nods, unsmiling. “Do you believe?” After a pause he shakes his head. “Do you understand that you don’t have to follow orders any more?” He turns his eyes away.

“Silver... look at me!” I snap. His head jerks as his eyes fly back to mine. Slowly he blinks; so slowly, and something changes. It is something so small, so infinitely tiny that it is almost nothing; just the hint of a breath of air over the surface of a planet. Nothing... nothing at all... but I see it. My heart almost stops for the longest fraction of a second that stretches to the shortest of eons. Then he blinks again and turns his head.

“Look at me!” I command, and my heart leaps when, without turning his head he whispers. “No.”

“Oh, Silver... that’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.”

Surprised, he turns his head back and his eyes are so blindingly bright I almost can’t bear it. Nothing has changed but everything is different.

“Would you like to come downstairs and sit on the sofa? It would be more comfortable, and we can talk... or not.” I swiftly add. I am very careful to make sure that my voice frames a question and not a direction or even a suggestion. For a moment he struggles, I can see it behind his eyes... then he nods. “Yes.”

My grin almost splits my face apart and he can’t help but mirror it slightly. I get to my feet and hold my hand out to him. He looks at it, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, then grasps it tightly and uses it to pull himself to his feet.

“You okay?”

“Yes.”

“You’re not going to phase out on me again as soon as I turn my back?”

“Maybe.” He smiles and I smile back, suddenly happy and excited and hopeful.

I lead the way down the stairs and Silver follows. Ronya is in the hall, on her way out.

“I need to go out and do some chores. I was afraid... I didn’t want to go until I knew that you were okay.”

“We’re fine thanks... aren’t we, Silver?”

He gives me a wide eyed, startled look, his whole body tensing, then forces himself to relax and, although he won’t look her in the face, he manages to whisper. “Yes... we’re fine.”

Ronya stares at me over Silver’s head, her eyes wide and startled. “What the hell have you done?” she mouths at me silently. I smile and shrug. Shaking her head but smiling she pulls on her gloves.

“Well... as long as you’re okay. I’ll only be an hour or so. If I’m not back, don’t forget to put the casserole on at six... that is if you want to eat with us before you go home. Is there anything you want?”

“No thanks... oh yeah; I keep forgetting... can you get some art supplies please?”

She frowns. “What kind of art supplies?”

“Just the basics for now... paper, brushes, paint. What kinds of paint do you like Silver... watercolour, oil, acrylic?”

He stares at me like a deer caught in headlights and shakes his head. I smile encouragingly. “It’s alright. It’s okay... you can do it. You’re safe Silver, remember. It’s safe here and you can say whatever you want to. What paints would you like?”

His lips open and close a few times while Ronya and I literally hold our breaths. Ducking his head he says, almost as though he is embarrassed by the sound of his voice, “Ummm...” Licking his lips he looks nervously at Ronya and then away. “Ummm... Can I...?” He stops and looks at me, his eyes wide and anxious. Still holding my breath I smile and nod encouragingly. “Can I... can it... can it be...?” Losing his nerve he shakes his head and takes a step back looking frightened.

“It’s alright, Silver. No pressure, remember? You don’t have to say anything. But if you want to you can just tell me. Whisper if you like and whatever you say nothing bad will happen. Why don’t you just try it? Try saying what you want so that you can see that nothing bad will happen.”

Silver looks around nervously. He is breathing hard and his eyes are darting about, flicking from me to Ronya. I capture his face between my hands like I did before. “Don’t worry about Ronya. Pretend she isn’t here. Just tell me. What paints do you want?”

Again he does that thing, opening and closing his mouth as if he is practicing speaking... or maybe working up to it. “Can I...?” He swallows hard then spits out, “Can I have canvas?” As the words leave his mouth he flinches as if he expects to be punished. I stroke his cheek with my thumb and smile at him. “That’s really good, Silver. See... nothing bad is happening. Nothing bad is going to happen. You can do this.”

I look up at Ronya; her eyes are sparkling as if there are tears near. She nods enthusiastically.

“Of course you can have canvas,” I affirm. “So, what paints go with canvas? I’m hopeless so you are going to have to tell me. Is it watercolour?” I know damn well that you don’t put watercolour on canvas but I need him to tell me. I really need him to tell me.

“No.”

“Then what? Oils? Acrylic? Emulsion?”

That gets a tiny smile and a shake of the head. “Acrylic.” His eyes brighten for a moment until he seems to realise what he’s done and jerks his head away from my hands to look at Ronya fearfully. She smiles brightly.

“Canvas and acrylic paints; no problem. I might be a bit longer than I expected because I need to hunt them down but I’ll try not to be long.”

Silver stares at her until she is gone after which he stares at the closed door.

“Come on; let’s sit down.”

He jumps as if he’d forgotten I’m here, but follows obediently into the living room. I sit him on the sofa and then sit in the chair, facing him but a little to the side so that he is not intimidated by me staring at him.

“Do you want to talk?” Reflexively, he shakes his head. “That’s okay. Just relax then. Would you like a coffee?”

He stares at me blankly for a moment then shakes his head; not to say no but maybe to clear it; maybe to stop the encroaching darkness; maybe to reinforce something to himself... then he nods slightly. I get up and Silver stops me with a soft. “River.”

I look at him surprised. “No milk.”

I could hug him. Honest to God I could squeeze him ‘till he pops. I have never been so happy to hear two simple words in all my life. I must be grinning like a complete idiot because he looks surprised.

“It’s okay. It’s absolutely fine... better than fine... awesome. I’ll get the coffee... no milk.”

We don’t talk; not at all. Silver looks exhausted and thoughtful at the same time and I keep my promise not to press him. We sit in companionable silence and watch crap on TV. I notice, though,, that he does watch it. He doesn’t stare blankly at the screen he actually watches and sometimes he even smiles.

Of course I forget to put the casserole on until half past six and when Ronya returns shortly afterwards I get a telling off because she is anxious to go home and is already over an hour late.

“It’s not as if I mind River but I’ve been all over bloody town tracking down all this stuff.” As we speak I am helping her get the ‘stuff’ out of the car.

“No bloody wonder. Looks like you bought out a whole art shop.”

“Well... the salesman kept asking me questions I didn’t know how to answer so every time I got a choice I bought them both.”

“Are you sure the budget can stretch to this?”

“To hell with the budget. He spoke to me; he expressed an opinion and he made a choice. I’ve read the file River and I know you’re a miracle worker generally but bloody hell; this time...” We share a grin and then hurry out of the cold wind.

“Well... I had better be going. Louise should be back any time now and Max and Karen are in tonight so they’re both bound to be late. My bet is on Karen getting here about seven fifteen and Max more like seven thirty... although today it’s just deserts after you being so late this morning.”

“Yeah; yeah.”

“Take care.” I know she isn’t talking about me and I smile gently and nod.

By the time the others arrive the smell coming from the kitchen is irresistible so I decide to stay for dinner. It’s not unusual for me, so no one questions.

Louise and Julia are the first home and I hear the excited chattering even before I hear the key in the door. Silver’s eyes widen, anxiously.

“It’s okay Silver. It’s only Louise and Julia. You remember Julia... she helped us paint.” He nods and relaxes but I notice he remains watchful and his eyes are wary.

Julia bounces in, full of her day and what a wonderful time she is having at college. “And Louise didn’t even stay with me today. She went to a meeting at the hospital and they took her to look over the flat. It looks like I am going to be moving on the weekend.”

“Well you seem a lot happier about that than you did this morning.”

“I was an idiot this morning. Of course everything is going to be alright... and if not you are here; you will always be here.”

“Well, someone will. I should hope that I will be moving on to bigger and better things soon... but I will always keep in touch, I promise.”

She beams at me and plops herself down on the sofa, her feet drawn up, and snuggles into Silver’s side.

“Soooo; how did the painting go? Are you going to show me your room late, Silver? Are you happy with it? Did you enjoy paining it? Are you glad I helped?”

He raises his eyes to me, looking stunned. I grin and shrug. Looking down at the head nestled in to his shoulder he smiles and says. “Yes.”

“Glad you found your voice.” she says, not even looking up. But I can see her face.