Enigma - 11. Chapter 11 - Taking Strides

It’s warm and I am comfortable. Sleep hangs on to the edges of my mind and obscures everything beyond the sheer physical experience of being here, of being warm and comfortable and... and... held. Something twinges in the fog at that, a warning light begins to flash in the back of my mind, but I push it down. Just another moment, just a brief, blissful moment of feeling...

Shit! Suddenly I am wide awake and scared, so scared I am afraid to open my eyes. I am lying, stretched out in bed, covered by the warmth of the duvet. Something... no someone is pressed against me, along my whole length and I am curled around them, my arm encircling the slender waist, my hand resting on the soft skin over the smooth, flat... shit!!!

I open my eyes and stare at the dark head, inches from my own and desperately try to thrust the sleep from my mind, to remember exactly what happened last night. Thank God I am still fully clothed... phew... and so is he... at least he has pyjamas on. The jacket has ridden up at the front so that my hand is touching... moving very quickly away...

Carefully I slide my arm over his waist, back to my side and roll away from him. He murmurs and sighs but doesn’t wake as I slip out of the bed and stand on trembling legs looking down at him. What the hell was I thinking?!

Checking my watch I curse. It’s eleven o’clock. What if someone looked in on us? What if someone saw us? What would they think?

Carefully I open the door and slip out, looking back to check that Silver is still asleep. He is. The house is silent. The door of the staff bedroom is open and a glance inside shows that Max is long gone.

Downstairs Ronya is in the kitchen making tea... well it’s a change from coffee.

“Good afternoon Rip Van Winkle.”

“It’s not afternoon yet... not for another hour.”

“You look like you had a rough night... or was it a good night?” She is teasing but there is something in her eyes that tell me it is teasing with an edge. I groan inwardly. Oh shit... someone did see us.

“It was both.”

Ronya raises her eyebrows but says nothing, waiting. I let her wait, pouring myself a coffee and sitting at the table.

“Where is everyone?”

“Max has gone home and Kevin is taking Julia to college and then to get some stuff for the party.” Another inward groan. Kevin... just great.

“Oh yes... the party.”

“So...?” I look up, genuinely confused.

“So what?”

“So what happened last night?” Now there is definite challenge and more than a hint of disapproval in her voice. “How did you end up in bed with Silver?”

“I wasn’t in bed with him.” I respond irritably. “Well... yeah... I was technically in bed with him but it was only because he really needed some physical contact after... what?”

At the words ‘physical contact’ she had pursed her lips and shook her head. “Oh please. I can assure you that I was strictly professional... and fully clothed at all times. I am not that stupid.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.” She gives me a hard look then nods and smiles, clearly relieved.

“I didn’t think...well... maybe for a minute but... honestly River you need to be more careful.”

“Why?” I am irritated now, on my way to being angry.

“Because it looks bad River. It looks as if you are taking advantage of him and that’s not acceptable.”

The anger flares and I have to exert an iron will to stop myself from exploding in her face. To some extent she is right and I know it, that’s part of why I am so angry.

“Before you, or anyone else, start making assumptions you should get the full facts.” Ronya looks startled at the tone of my voice but I don’t care. “Silver talked to me last night. He really talked... about some horrendous things... the most...” I pause and shudder, unable to go any further down that road. “He really opened up and it took it out of him. He was scared and so was I. I was terrified to tell the truth, terrified that after having come so far he would lose it and slip back again. You should have seen him Ronya... it was awesome... he is so strong but he doesn’t realise it. It was a terrible thing that was done to him but I am beginning to think that it can be undone.

“He was exhausted and terrified. He just needed someone to hold him, someone who wasn’t going to take advantage of him or demand anything of him. He needed to know that it was okay to feel safe in someone’s arms, that not everyone is going to expect or even want something back. He’s been so badly abused he doesn’t think he deserves to be loved or even liked for who he is, only what he can give and he’s been taught that he has only one thing that’s worth giving.

“We can talk to him, and with him as much as we like... we can drug him and analyse him to our hearts’ content but sometimes the only thing that can really get through is to show him... to demonstrate with our actions that he really can feel safe, that he is worth attention, worth liking, worth holding... for who he is and not what he can give.”

“River... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made assumptions and I shouldn’t have doubted your motives. I appreciate what you’re saying. I’ll go and chew out my tongue in the office now shall I?”

I look up at her and grin. She is grinning back. “I’m sorry for snapping your head off but it was a pretty stressful night and... yeah... when I woke up this morning it was a bit of a shock to find myself in bed with him. It seemed so right last night... after what I heard, he needed it so much and I couldn’t deny him. This morning... it was more uncomfortable and I couldn’t wait to get out of there... so you pressed some buttons. I still stand by what I did but I do understand what you were saying and I appreciate your concern... for me and for Silver. I promise you that I won’t take advantage of him. I know too much about what he’s been through and what it can do to someone to add to his pain in any way.”

“I know that River. I do know that. It’s just... it was Kevin, you know...”

This time I groan out loud. “Oh why did it have to be Kevin? Out of everyone in this bloody house why did it have to be Kevin?”

“The universe hates you.” She grins and, taking her coffee moves towards the door.

“Don’t forget the party. Julia has left you a list of things for you and Silver to do before they get back... I think you should start now.”

I glance at the worktop and groan. The list is a long one.

I let Silver sleep. He needs rest as much as he needs reassurance. What happened last night took it out of him and he crashed as soon as we hit the bed. I start on the list with a sinking heart. How on earth was I going to get through all this in one afternoon?

It is half past one when I hear footsteps on the stairs. I heave a sigh of relief as I have been in an agony of indecision for the last half an hour of whether or not I should wake him.

He looks sleepy, but calm. I am surprised by the fact that he has had a shower and his hair is freshly washed and dried, combed straight and caught in a band at the back of his head. He is dressed too. I am impressed.

“I thought you were going to sleep until Christmas. Are you hungry? What would you like?”

For a brief instant he is caught off guard, paralysed by the fear of being asked to make a choice. Even the thought of acknowledging that he is hungry is scary, let alone having to decide what he wants to eat. Someone else might have closed up, or sidestepped but Silver stares at me for a moment, takes in my encouraging smile and crystallises into a tentative decisiveness I have never seen in him before.

“Yes. I am hungry. I would like...” He frowns, struggling.

“We have some of Louise’s stew in the freezer. I could warm it in the microwave if you’d like. Or I could do some cheese on toast, that’s what I’m having... or a sandwich? We have lots of fillings in the fridge. In fact we have lots of food for this blasted party tonight.”

“Party?”

“Julia is leaving remember? We’re having a leaving party for her.”

“Oh. I... I forgot.”

“It’s alright. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. We can sit upstairs in your room if you would prefer. I can sneak down and steal goodies and we can listen to music and giggle like girls.”

Silver’s eyes open wide and I can almost see his mind processing the information, assessing the inflections, weighing up the meaning. And then he grins and shakes his head. I have no idea what he means by that and don’t care.

“Can I have stew please? I liked the stew.”

I have to admit that I am surprised and not a little impressed. It is a simple decision, one I tried to make as easy as possible for him but, frankly not one I had expected him to make. After spending so much time being aggressively conditioned not to think for himself, the simplest of decisions are not only difficult but scary. He has been punished for every sign, every moment he has been anything but strictly passive and obedient, so much so that he came to believe that to fight back in any way made him less than human. And then when he had fought back, when he had found something worth fighting for he had lost it, and almost lost his own life. No... for Silver, no decision is simple.

After lunch, over which we chat just a little about inconsequential things and during which I begin to glimpse a sharp mind and wicked sense of humour beneath the timid, controlled surface, we start to work, side by side on the tasks Julia has left for us. In truth it has been left up to the two of us to prepare all the food for the party, which had been purchased by Ronya the day before, and decorate the living room.

Silver is a miracle. He is still better at obeying orders than making decisions and this comes in handy when we have so much to do in so short a time. The real difference is that now he thinks for himself so I don’t have to be so precise in the instructions I give him. If I ask him to blow up balloons he realises that once he has blown them up he has to tie them to stop them going down again.

At six o’clock Julia and Kevin arrive home and it is like a mini whirlwind hitting. Silver and I are enjoying a well deserved break, drinking tea at the kitchen table which is laden with trays, dishes, plates and bowls of party food. I wonder how many people are invited because there is enough food to feed a small army.

Julia is delighted with the food and the living room which is decorated with banners and balloons. She stands for a while in the doorway looking first one way and then the other and then she throws herself at us, first me and then Silver, hugging us tightly, her face a picture of joy.

“Thank you. Oh thank you... it’s fabulous. I love it.”

Silver looks stunned but he smiles and hugs her back. She stares up at him for a moment and then reaches up one small hand to touch his face.

“You’re different.”

He smiles, looking embarrassed and shrugs. “Am I?”

“Oh yes. You’re... here.”

The smile slips and he looks wistful. “Something is.”

Julia laughs and hugs him again then turns to Kevin and beckons madly. Smiling Kevin hands her a carrier bag and winks at me. I ignore him.

“I got you a present.”

Silver gapes at her. “A present? For me?”

“Well... we’re going to have a party... you need to have party clothes.”

Stunned, Silver opens the carrier bag and takes out a pair of black trousers, a white shirt and a pair of shiny black shoes. His eyes go wide as he strokes the soft material. He looks up, his eyes shining.

“For me?”

“All yours honey. I hope they fit. I had to guess your size. I want you to look good.”

“Thank you.” He ducks his head, blushing, with a huge smile on his face.

“Go and get ready. We only have an hour. You too River.”

“Yes ma’am.” I call as she flounces out of the door.

Left alone with Kevin I roll my eyes at the look on his face and, grabbing Silver by the arm, tow him up the stairs. He is still stunned.

I leave Silver to get ready by himself. This is a kind of test for him. It’s a big thing for him to expect him to work out all the different things required of someone to get ready for a party.

Kevin comes and lounges in the doorway as I get my things together. I can hear Julia singing loudly and tunelessly in the shower.

“Looks like you had a good night last night.”

“Not exactly.”

“Oh no?”

“It was rough on Silver.”

“That surprises me... I thought you would have been gentle with him.”

“Kevin... that isn’t funny. We had a major breakthrough last night. Silver talked about what happened to him for the first time. He talked about the time his friend was murdered in front of his eyes just for loving him. It was rough on him, terrible for him. He had a terrible nightmare and he didn’t want to be alone.”

Kevin’s face had grown shocked and then shamed. “I’m sorry River. I didn’t mean to make light of it. I was only teasing.”

“Well don’t, not about that. And for God’s sake don’t tease him. He wouldn’t understand. It might undo all the good work we have done.”

“Of course I would never say anything like that him. I’m not a complete bastard.”

I grin at him. “Oh I don’t know.”

I take my time showering and getting ready and when I am done I knock gently on Silver’s door and wait for a response before going in. It occurs to me that this is another thing he has never had... respect for his privacy. When there is no answer I call softly.

“Silver... is it alright if I come in?”

For a moment there is silence and then he says. “Yes.” He is staring at me, surprised when I walk through the door so there is no way he could have missed the look of utter shock on my face. He is sitting at the dresser, brushing his hair, which is loose around his shoulders and shining like raw silk, wearing his new clothes.

I can’t believe the difference. He looks so different that it could be a completely different person sitting there. Did I mention he looks different?

The white shirt is not, as I had supposed, completely white, but has a black rose embroidered over the left breast. It is snug fitting and laced up the front. The trousers too look as though they are a good fit, although I can’t see them properly when he is sitting.

“You look incredible.”

He blushes deeply and smiles at me. “Why did you knock on the door?”

“Because, now that you are able to take care of yourself more, you have a right to your privacy. You can close the door and know that no one is going to intrude unless you want or need them to.”

“But... but I...”

“This is your room now Silver, for as long as you stay here. You can do what you want in here, as long as it isn’t dangerous or unhealthy. You can spend time by yourself if you want to... or whatever you like. When Julia goes tomorrow it will be just you and me here for a while... and Ronya in the daytime. You can relax and just get used to being here, being yourself.”

Slowly he nods and frowns. “It’s still hard River. Everything is muddled in my head. Sometimes I want to remember... what happened... what was before... lots of things... and sometimes I don’t want to remember. When remembering hurts too much I want to... I want to find that place again... inside my head where I am safe. It’s so... I...”

“I understand. You’ve been through a lot and it’s been a long time since you’ve faced any of it and now it’s all here in one go. You’ve pulled down the barriers and you’re exposed and scared. I don’t blame you. I think it’s a very brave thing that you have done and I really don’t blame you at all for feeling like you want to run and hide from it.

“I told you that this wasn’t going to be easy... but I meant it when I said that I am here for you, every step. When you feel the need to run, run to me and I will help you feel safe again.”

Silver smiles. “I’ll try.”

“That’s all you can do.”

“Will you brush my hair?”

Surprised I smile at him. “Of course.” Taking the brush I stand behind him and brush his hair, relishing the way it feels as it flows through my fingers, watching him in the mirror. He tilts his head back slightly and half closes his eyes, the expression on his face one of pure pleasure.

“Do you like that?”

“Yes.” He sighs.

“Do you want to go down to the party? Or would you rather stay here?”

He opens his eyes and looks at me thoughtfully. “I have been thinking about that. Julia bought me new clothes. She is happy about it. This is her party and I don’t want her to be sad about anything. The party scares me. The people who will come... I don’t want to go. I don’t want to... but I will. I was careful and I look nice so... yes... I will go.”

I put down the brush and smooth down the soft as silk hair making Silver almost purr.

“Do you want to leave it loose or put a band in it?”

For a moment a frown passes over his face. He still has problems with decisions. Eventually he smiles. “If it is loose I can hide.”

“Yes... there is that. Are you ready?”

Nodding he gets to his feet and turns round. Then he pauses and puts his head on one side. “You look nice too River.”

It takes a lot of willpower not to blush. “Thank you Silver. I’m glad you think so.”

We meet Julia on the landing. She looks amazing in a pair of dark blue slacks and a blue and silver top that falls in soft folds to below her waist. Her hair is loose and brushed to a shine and the makeup finally makes her look like a mature woman, if a very youthful one. Freezing, her eyes wide she smiles a strange, misty smile.

“You are beautiful. I never thought... Wow, what a difference. You both scrub up well I must say... you’re going to steal the show.”

“Not with you looking like that honey. We wouldn’t dream of it anyway. This show is all yours.”

Giggling she wriggles between us and grabs an arm each, staring up at Silver with a thoughtful and slightly sad expression on her face. He meets her eyes and seems to know what she is thinking because his own smile is very much the same.

The party turns out to be a lot bigger than I had expected. As well as all the members of the care team, including Ronya and, surprisingly Dr Marshall and one of the physiotherapists, a pretty young blonde called Sheena, there are new friends Julie has met at college and old friends who had known her before and during her illness. In all there must be over twenty people here, most of them I don’t know, and that’s a lot packed into our small house.

I watch Silver carefully and he looks very uncomfortable but holds up well. Julia never leaves his side. She introduces him to her friends, involves him in everything she does, makes sure he has plenty to eat and drink and generally takes care of him.

About nine o’clock Dr Marshall is leaving and he asks me to walk him to the door. It is cool in the passage, and relatively quiet, quite a relief. The Doc turns to me with his usual frown on his face and I get anxious. Has someone told him about last night? Am I in trouble because of it? Can I really argue my way out of it when they are right about it being so unprofessional?

“What have you done?”

“Sorry?” Uh Oh.

“I can’t believe the difference. What happened? He’s a different person. If I didn’t know better I would have thought you had switched him with someone else.”

“It started yesterday and then last night he had a dream. It was horrible for him but it opened a window and he talked. It was hard for him, really hard but it seems to have made a huge difference.”

“I take it that you have put details of what he talked about in your report.”

“As exact as I can remember it, yes.”

“Good. I look forward to reading it. It seems as if whatever it was it was a key that unlocked that place he was hiding in. Be careful River, now that he’s out in the open he is going to be feeling very exposed and vulnerable. It won’t take much to send him spiralling back worse than before until he settles and starts to feel safe and comfortable with himself and to come to terms with what happened.

“Don’t be surprised if he has lapses. Just be patient with him and show him that it’s alright even when he slips.”

“Of course I will. I like him.”

The doctor gives me a piercing look. I wonder if he knows, if he guesses that my feelings go deeper than that... but he just smiles and it is such a shock to see a smile on his severe face that it takes me by surprise.

“I like him too River. Take care of him.”

“I will.”

After closing the door I stand in the hallway for a while, soaking in the silence and then take a deep breath before I head back into the party. I make for the kitchen to get a drink and as soon as I go through the door I see Silver. It is as if my eyes are drawn to him, as if he is the only other person in the room, even though it is packed. He is looking pensive but he looks up and sees me and a smile breaks over his face.

Julia is, as usual, right at Silver’s side. He smiles and shrugs and I smile back. My attention is diverted by Kevin who puts a glass in my hand. I sniff and my eyes water at the amount of Vodka in it.

“I’m on duty Kevin.” I chide him.

“By the sound of it you’re always on duty these days. Let your hair down a little.”

“Thanks but no thanks. I have to keep a clear head. Last night was a nightmare and there’s no saying what tonight might be like.”

“He’s looking good today. Whatever you did last night worked a miracle. I would be surprised if you have a bad night tonight.”

“I don’t know. He’s got a long way to go and I am going to be there for him and not in some alcoholic haze, too pissed to respond when he needs me. As I said... thanks but no thanks.”

Leaving a surprised Kevin with the Vodka in his hand I make my way through the crowd to Silver and Julia. Silver has a drink in his hand and I ask reflexively. “Who gave you that?”

“It’s alright River. Kevin tried to give him Vodka but he didn’t like it anyway and I filled it with coke.”

“I’m going to kill Kevin.”

“He’s just a jerk... he doesn’t realise.”

I am blindingly angry. I want to hit him and I glare at him across the table. He winks and turns away. I am about to launch myself after him when I feel a hand on my arm.

“It’s alright River. I wouldn’t have drunk it. I may be ill but I’m not stupid.” Truly stunned I look up at Silver and shake my head.

“No. You are most definitely not stupid. You are amazing. You surprise me a hundred times a day. You’re going to be fine.”

“I know.”

At ten o’clock the carers start to wind down the party. Although it is still early they want things kept controlled and, although the party keeps on they start to thin out the stragglers until, by eleven, there were only the nine of us left. The six carers, Ronya, Julia and Silver. I am frankly very surprised that Silver has lasted this long. I had expected him to leave a long time ago but he seems to be enjoying himself, although for the past fifteen/twenty minutes he has been looking very serious and introverted.

I make my way across the kitchen, where everyone has congregated, to where Silver is sitting, picking at the food that remained scattered over the table.

“Everything okay?”

He looks up and smiles. “Fine.”

“Are you tired?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to go to bed now?”

“Almost.”

“Almost?”

“There’s something I want to do first.” It’s as if speaking to me crystallises something he has been toying... or struggling with. He smiles at me then gets up and touches Julia on the shoulder. She has her back to him, talking to Ronya. At his touch she turns and, seeing who it is, throws her arms around him. She is clearly a little tipsy but very, very happy.

“Are you going to bed now Silver? I am so, so happy you came. You’re so awesome... and you look so good. All my friends are in love with you, you know.”

He smiles, bashful. “You’ve been kind to me. Tomorrow you are going. I will miss you.”

“I will miss you too honey. But I will come back and visit... and as soon as you’re up to venturing out in the big world you can come and visit me. Who knows, the way you are going, maybe one day soon you will be living next door.”

He smiles and shakes his head. “I... you bought me present and I have nothing. I... wanted to give you something.” Uh Oh. Something about the way he says it sets alarm bells ringing which only ring louder at his next words. “I... don’t have anything to give... except myself.”

“No Silver... you don’t have to... you don’t...”

He ignores me and I get to my feet, seeing Julia’s startled face mirroring my own.

I don’t know quite what I was expecting but I was utterly shocked and frozen to the spot when he starts to sing. The sound stops me in my tracks. It is truly beautiful. I don’t recognise the song but I recognise talent when I hear it. Silver is good, very good. I remember what he had said about entertaining at the parties with David. As well as the more distasteful activities they had sung... and now I can see why.

As Silver sings there is silence, absolute silence, and then, when he finishes the silence continues for a moment until Julia, tears streaming down her face throws her arms around him and hugs him hard.

“That was the best present I have ever had. Thank you so much.”

And then everyone is talking and slapping him on the back and he looks stunned and a little frightened. He turns to look for me anxiously and relaxes a little when he sees me but still looks uncomfortable with all the attention.

Julia, the perceptive little angel tugs on his arm and stands on tiptoe to kiss him as he turns. “Go to bed now Silver. You’re tired. I’ll say goodbye in the morning.”