Enigma - 4. Chapter 4 - Don't Be Scared

Ah Shit! I’m late. I haven’t been late... ever; but this morning I slept through my alarm after a night of... let’s just say disturbing dreams and leave it at that.

I threw on my clothes and didn’t even have a shower. Fortunately I remembered to put ‘painting clothes’ in a bag and I didn’t need to have breakfast because I can have it with Silver.

I arrive just as Lukas, one of Julia’s carers is leaving, having handed over to Louise. He grins at me.

“Kevin’s not happy.”

“I’ll bet. Ah well...” I smile and shrug.

Kevin isn’t happy.

“Where the hell have you been? I have places to go; people to see.”

“You’re going to go home and get straight back in bed aren’t you?”

For a moment he maintains his indignant stare and then grins somewhat sheepishly.

“I get grouchy when I’m tired.”

“Did you have a bad night?”

“Nope... he slept like a baby.” Kevin’s grin turns mischievous. “I think you have a fan.”

“What do you mean?”

“He watched the door for an hour after you left and wouldn’t talk to anyone else all night.”

“Yeah well... the notes say he needs routine and doesn’t like change so I suppose that’s it.” I don’t want to acknowledge the warm rush of pleasure that washes over me at the thought.

“Yeah right. Anyway... hand over’s simple. He sat staring at the wall for a couple of hours when he finished staring at the door. He didn’t talk to anyone and he went to bed like a little lamb and slept all night. He took his meds, drank his coffee without throwing it at anyone and was generally no trouble at all. So if you’ll sign off the night sheet I have an urgent appointment with Mr Beddybyes and he gets impatient when I keep him waiting.”

Rolling my eyes I follow him into the office where I dump my bag and sign the handover sheet.

Ronya isn’t in yet so when Kevin leaves I go into the kitchen to make coffee. Louise has already made me one and hands it to me with a smile.

“I thought you might need it.”

Sighing, I smile over the steam and take a deep drink of my morning caffeine hit.

“Thanks. I didn’t have time for one at home.”

“So what happened? It’s not like you to be late. You okay?”

“Yeah... just slept through my alarm. It’s never happened before, and it’s not as if I didn’t get a good night’s sleep.” I shrug. “Ah well... one of those things. I’m not that late.”

“You’d swear it was hours the way Kevin was going on.”

I laugh. “Well... you know Kevin.”

“Yeah. So, what’s this new guy like? Kevin was being very mysterious.”

“I repeat... you know Kevin.” I roll my eyes. “He’s... different.”

“Different to what?”

“To everything. He’s very sweet and very beautiful but...” I find myself shivering. “He’s shut off, hiding from the world.”

“I’ve read the notes. By the sound of it he has every reason to be. Does no one know what happened to him? I mean... shit; whoever did that to him were really trying to kill him. Why?”

“Who knows? Someday maybe he’ll be able to tell us.”

“So he’s completely shut down huh?”

“More or less.”

“That must be hard to manage.”

“Not really. He’s very compliant; follows instructions to the tee, so as long as you’re careful it’s fine.”

“Are you really going to decorate the room today... with him?”

“Why not? Why does everyone seem to have an issue with that? I mean would you want to sleep with the roses?”

“Nope; no way, especially not if I were a boy. But... are you sure he’s up to it?”

“Why not? Like I said he’s fine if you give him precise instructions. And it will be fun. I am supposed to engage him in activities and what else are we supposed to do? There’s only so long we can sit and do crossword puzzles.”

“Hmm... I suppose. What time are you supposed to be getting him up?”

“Nine: what about Julia?”

“No particular time. She’s got a free morning. I think she’ll be leaving us soon.”

“What do you mean?”

“They’re talking about moving her on to a supported flat.”

“That’s awesome. She really doesn’t need to be here now.” I like Julia and I would miss her but she is so sweet and she deserves to be out there in the world, making a life for herself, not marking time here.

“True... as long as she keeps taking her meds. That’s her issue. She starts to feel normal and stops taking them. Then she goes downhill fast and ends up back here.”

“Hmmm... maybe college will help. She has something to focus her mind on and in a supported placement she will have someone to keep an eye on her and make sure she takes her meds.”

“I hope so: she so doesn’t deserve to be sick. She’s such a sweetheart.”

I smile. “She is that.”

We sit and chat until ten to nine and then I go wake Silver. I’m strangely nervous and have to mentally shake myself to stop my hand trembling on the door handle.

Hell he’s cute when he’s asleep... and I really shouldn’t be thinking that.

“Silver.” I call him, reluctant to touch him. He stirs at the sound of my voice and sighs, throwing a hand up over his head, just like he did before.

“Silver, it’s time to get up. We have a busy day today.”

“Mmm,” he sighs, licking his lips sleepily and I almost have to turn away. I would have, too if he hadn’t opened his eyes. The look in them stops me dead. At first it’s sleepy and confused but then, when he sees me, when he sees it is me, he breaks into a grin that lights up his face.

“River.” The sound of his voice saying my name gives me chills.

“That’s me. Come on. Get your ass out of bed. We have lots to do and you need to get showered and fed. Can’t work on an empty stomach.”

“Work?”

“We’re going to paint the room, remember?”

He looks around and smiles again. “I hate pink roses.”

It’s the most I’ve heard him say. He seems almost... normal today.

“Yeah, can’t say I’m too fond of them myself. In fact I think I would go insane if I had to sleep in here for long. That’s why we are going to paint them into oblivion. We are going to change this too.” I flick the sickly pink bed cover. Silver smiles; and I think that I could really get used to those smiles; as he gets out of bed.

Silver walks to the window and throws back the curtains. He stretches, bathing in the sunshine and I have to leave the room. I turn on the shower and potch about getting things ready. When I look up he is standing in the doorway watching me.

“Time for your shower, buddy.”

“Are you going to watch?” His voice is a throaty purr and I want to jump out of the window to hide my... er... embarrassment.

“Part of the job, I’m afraid. Now come on, let’s get this done. I didn’t get breakfast before I came and I’m starving. Besides, I’ve only had one coffee and I need more caffeine.”

He just stands there with his head tilted to one side, watching me with a slightly curious expression on his face. His eyes are hovering between their familiar blankness and mild curiosity.

“Take your clothes off and get in the shower.” I immediately regret my commanding tone because the curiosity disappears and he snaps into obedience mode, his eyes completely devoid of emotion. He drops his clothes where he stands and gets into the shower.

There is none of his previous enjoyment. He is completely detached, stealing the occasional anxious look in my direction.

Contrite, I direct him more gently to wash his hair and this time he doesn’t use the conditioner until I tell him to. It’s hard to watch him and not for the obvious reasons. I wonder if it’s a punishment for my impure thoughts. At the very least it is a reminder why it’s so important not to have any more.

When Silver is finished with the shower I lead him into the bedroom and instruct him to wipe himself while I search through his clothes for the most worn and shabby of them that would do as painting clothes and make a mental note to speak to Ronya about getting him more. All of these are worthy of being work clothes.

While Silver is dressing I take the decision that it wouldn’t hurt if I had a quick shower myself. I like to shower in the mornings before work and as I didn’t have a chance this morning I see no harm in taking advantage of a few moments to get it done here.

The water is warm and soothing and I really need it this morning. Okay, I admit that I’ve been luxuriating for a little too long, and I’m getting a little too into the sensations. I’m feeling pretty good, if a little... excited... as I step out. Silver is standing in the doorway and I stop stock still in shock. His eyes burn me as they travel leisurely over my body, lingering on the source of my sudden shame.

“Silver.” I say sharply and the result is truly shocking. A flash of fear widens his eyes and he takes two quick steps forwards and drops to his knees, his head bowed, his hair brushing my feet. I’m shocked and take a step backwards almost tripping over the shower tray.

“Silver, get up.” Again, my voice is sharper than I had intended; sharpened by embarrassment and shock. His head snaps up, his eyes wild, and he reaches for me. In a panic I stumble backwards and fall into the shower, landing with a coccyx jarring thump, and bang my head on the back wall. Seeing stars I scoot up against the wall drawing up my knees and ignoring the pain in my back. Silver hasn’t moved. His eyes are shocked and fearful.

Taking a huge breath I steady myself and scramble out of the shower. Silver cowers back and covers his face with his hands. Wrapping a towel tightly around me I take him by the wrists, trying to urge him to his feet but it only makes him whimper and cower even more.

With a sigh I crouch down, facing him and making sure I am well covered by the towel.

“Silver... Silver, look at me. Look at me.”

Very slowly he lowers his hands and, trembling, looks at me through lowered lashes.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Silver. I am never going to hurt you. You can trust me. Do you understand that?”

For one long, hot moment he meets my eyes with a breathtakingly direct stare that scorches my soul. Then the shutters come down and he turns blank, the tension leaving him and the trembling ceases. I sigh. When he was afraid at least he was engaging. I have a feeling I won’t be seeing Silver on this side of the barrier for a while.

Getting to my feet I direct him to do the same and he complies. I take him to the bedroom and leave him making the bed and folding his night clothes while I hurriedly dry and dress. When I emerge he is standing facing the neatly made bed, immobile, staring at the opposite wall. I can’t look at him. I feel as if my heart is breaking. I have a strong feeling that I know what happened to him and it makes me feel sick.

Battling down my feelings I take Silver downstairs and help him through the process of making and eating breakfast. By the time we have finished Ronya is in and she tells me that she’s sorted out Silver’s benefits which should be in place within a week or two. In the meantime he can be sub’d out of the general fund so we can get him some new clothes. I file the information in my mind for later use as I am entirely focussed on something very different right now.

Asking Ronya to leave for a few minutes I make a call to the hospital and actually get to speak to the doctor in charge of Silver’s case. After a very intense fifteen minute conversation he agrees to come out and see the two of us the next morning.

I’m feeling more positive as I emerge from the office and go to collect Silver.

“Come on you. It’s time to get to work.” Without a word or any sign of actual understanding Silver gets up and follows me. I direct him to pick up an armful of materials and he follows me up the stairs. I tell him to strip the bed and put all of the bedding, including the pillows and quilt into the bathroom while I search the airing cupboard for the dust sheets.

As I am rummaging a door opens and a sleepy little face peeps out.

“What ya doin’?”

“We’re going to paint Silver’s room.”

The eyes snap wide. “Ooooh... can I help?”

“I don’t think it’s big enough for three of us to work.”

“Oh puleeeeze.”

I can’t help but smile at her. “Go run it past Louise. If she says it’s okay then put on some old clothes and a scarf over your hair. You don’t want to be going to college this afternoon with your hair full of paint.”

“Ooooohhhh.... fun, fun.”

The door slams and I can hear her frantically rummaging in cupboards. Smiling I carry the armfuls of sheeting into the bedroom. Silver is standing in the doorway of the bathroom looking at nothing.

“Okay. Let’s start with the easy wall.” The wall opposite the window has nothing leaning against it and therefore nothing to move. I carefully lay the sheets across the floor, tight to the wall and open the paint, pouring it into the paint tray. It’s a lovely bright blue, not too pale, not too dark and the best quality we could find... well Ronya could find. If we’re lucky it will cover the light pink roses in one coat; that’s what it says on the tin.

“Do you want to roller or cut?” He stares blankly at me and I sigh... it’s so easy to forget. “Okay let’s both cut.” I hand him a paintbrush. “Dip it in the paint. Not too much. Wipe it against the edge of the tin to get most of it off.” I demonstrate and he watches with apparent disinterest. I take him to the wall and show him how to carefully draw the brush across it, close to the skirting board.

“Make sure you don’t get paint on the wood. When you get to the corner just go around it to the door. You only need a narrow strip because we are going to roller the rest of the wall.”

He stares at me blankly while I speak and I sigh inwardly. Have I spoiled any chance I might have had of getting through to him? I watch carefully until I am sure he’s got the hang of it and then I get to work myself on a ladder, following him, doing the top.

I have to say he is doing a really good job. I remember that he is an artist and make another mental note to talk to Ronya about the art supplies as soon as possible.

We’re about half way around the room when Julia bounces in dressed in faded jeans and tshirt, an old red checked scarf covering her hair.

“Where do I start?”

“If you can wait a few minutes you can go mad with a roller.”

“Well... I’m mad without one so that sounds like it could be fun.”

That makes me smile. Julia has a peculiar way of making fun of herself and her problems that always makes me, and everyone else, smile. She sits on the bed and makes ‘helpful’ comments. At first they are slightly annoying, until I catch Silver smiling and then they become sweet.

When we are done with the cutting I pour paint into a second tray and hand Silver and Julia a roller each, instructing Silver to watch Julia and do what she does. With obvious delight Julia carefully charges the roller and splashes it on the wall, rolling with slapdash but joyful abandon in a haphazard pattern that covers the roses but also the floor and her own body. More carefully and with a great deal more restraint and control Silver follows.

I watch his face as he works and there is a small smile there, his eyes wide and following the paint as it swallows the pinkness. It eases the pain around my heart.

In what seems like no time at all they finish the wall and half the second one and stand back to admire their work. Julia slips her arm around Silver’s waist and squeezes him, resting her head against his arm... she can’t reach his shoulder.

“You’re amazing. Did I tell you that already? And so much fun. Show me how to do the paintbrush thing.”

Amazingly... or maybe not so amazingly since she gave him a direct command, in that way Julia has of speaking that sounds like a request but has people literally jumping to obey; Silver shows her carefully how to load and blot the brush and paint delicately round the edges.

“Oooohh can I do the top please? Can I get up on the ladder?”

“Julia, you won’t reach the top even if you do climb the ladder. Why not leave that bit to me... and wouldn’t it be a good idea to move the chest of drawers out of the way before you get paint all over it?”

Smiling, I get Silver to help me move furniture while Julia paints happily. There is a fair amount of paint on the woodwork and she spends as much time wiping it off with toilet paper, as she does actually painting the wall, which is fine as it gives us time to get the moving done. Pushing the bed close to the painted wall there is just enough room to accommodate the drawers and dressing table. As an afterthought I get a screwdriver and, detaching the mirror, I take it into another room for safety.

When I get back Julia is attacking the wall with a roller while Silver watches with a half smile on his face and more light in his eyes than I have seen all day. It breaks my heart when he ducks his head and switches off the light when he sees me.

“Steady on. I haven’t done the top yet.”

“Got bored waiting for you.”

“Julia you get bored waiting for your next breath. Take it easy there; you just gave me a paint shower.”

“It suits you.”

“Well, put the roller down and help me with these awful curtains.”

She drops the roller splashing paint all over the floor. Thank heaven I put down the dust sheets. They are going to take some washing after this.

“Watch you don’t step in the paint.”

Moving the ladder over to the window I climb up and unhook the curtains dropping them into Julia’s waiting arms. She wrinkles her nose.

“Who on earth chose these? They’re vile.”

“Glenda I think.”

“Figures.”

“Now, now Julia, you know the rule about speaking badly of other residents.”

“She isn’t a resident any more. She wasn’t nice.”

“She wasn’t well.”

“None of us are well, River,” she says seriously, “but most of us aren’t jerks... are we Silver.” I glance down as she gives him a blinding smile and gets back a confused frown. It doesn’t faze her at all. “Take Silver for example. He’s a complete freak but he’s so sweet I could eat him for desert and if he isn't careful one of these days I will.”

“Julia... inappropriate.”

“Yep... that’s me. Miss inappropriate. And don’t you just love me for it?”

“Sometimes.” She looks up at me and grins, catching my teasing tone. Silver just stands with his eyes lowered and a slightly sad expression on his face. I wish I could see his eyes. Julia catches my expression, turns to look then smiles up at me.

“Don’t worry River. He’s in there. He’s just hurt and hiding. When he comes out he’s going to be awesome.”

Sometimes she is blinding in her insight and she often takes me by surprise. “How do you know?”

“I can feel it.” She reaches out and touches Silver’s arm. He looks at her hand blankly. “He’s awfully hurt River. But I know you can help him. You’re awesome too.”

“Thanks for that.”

Her grin is back when she looks up and me and she takes the curtains and sits on the bed, unhooking the curtain hooks.

“You know, these are good curtains, apart from the sickening pattern. Maybe we could dye them or something.”

“I’ve got new curtains for in here but you can see what you can do with them for your room if you like.”

“I don’t think I’ll be needing them. Louise was saying I will probably be moving on soon.”

“Perhaps you can take them for you’re new place; I’ll ask Ronya.”

She nods, almost sadly. I look at her, thoughtfully. She has her head bowed even though she has finished with the curtains. “You don’t sound too excited about that.”

“Yeah... it’s good but... well... I... I like it here. It’s safe here.”

“It will be safe there too Julia. Have you talked to Dr Harkett about this? You know he won’t make you do anything you’re not ready for.”

“Oh, I’m ready for it. I know I’m ready for it. College is fantastic. I’ve already made some new friends and I’ve been to see the apartment. It’s really nice. I know I’m going to be happy there. It’s just...” She picks at the curtain material. “I’m going to miss this place... all of you... and... I’m afraid.”

“Afraid? What are you afraid of?”

“I’m afraid I’ll fail again and let you all down.”

I get down off the ladder and hug her. “Julia you won’t fail... and if you do... well we all make mistakes. No one is going to judge you and you won’t be letting anyone down. Besides... you’re welcome back here any time and if you don’t come and visit us often we’ll be around there kicking the door down, and kicking you ass if you don’t take your meds properly.”

Julia looks up at me, her eyes sparkling and then flings her arms around my neck and kisses my cheek.

“You’re so awesome River. You’re my absolute favourite. If you weren’t gay I’d want to marry you.”

I had to laugh at that. “Sure. I bet you say that to all the boys. Go out there and take the world by storm. You’ll have the boys falling at your feet.”

She looks at me with a haughty expression on her face.“I am thirty two years old, River. I have progressed past ‘boys’, I am looking for a man; a real man.”

“Julia... whatever you want.” We giggle for a while until we notice that Silver is staring out of the window... lost.

“River... something bad happened to him didn’t it? I mean, I know something bad happened to him... but that wasn’t it, was it?”

“I don’t know, Julia. I hope that we can help him talk to us about it, that we can find out.”

“He likes you.”

“How do you know?”

“I can tell. He likes me too.”

“Everyone likes you, Julia.” She grins at me but then turns serious again, looking at Silver.

“I’m scared for him River.”

“Scared? Why?”

“I don’t know: maybe because he’s so scared.”

“Well... I am going to try very hard to stop him being so scared.”

“Maybe... maybe you should be scared too.”

“Me?” I laugh. “I’m not scared of anything.”

Julia looks at me with the strangest expression in her eyes. “I know River but sometimes maybe you should be.”

She won’t tell me what she means and I just shake my head and get on with the painting.