Enigma - 8. Chapter 8 - Making Plans

When I finish I remain immobile, staring at my coffee which has gone cold, undrunk. I jump when I feel an arm around my shoulders. Ronya hugs me tightly.

“That’s quite a story River. I never knew.”

“No... I don’t talk about it.”

“Is that what you think happened to Silver?”

“I’m pretty sure of it. There are times when I look into his eyes and I see Nikki looking back. Some of the things he says, the way he is. A couple of times he’s almost said ‘yes master’; that’s what they’re conditioned to say. Nikki used to slip out with it sometimes. And the unquestioning obedience... that’s so...”

“Be careful River. Be very careful.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t think you can be professional about this, River. You’re too close to it. This isn’t Nikki; it’s Silver and I think you may be in danger of blurring the distinction.”

I open my mouth to refute her outrageous statement but close it again, in shame, knowing she is right. She pats me kindly.

“Don’t worry, River; I’m sure it will be alright.”

When Silver comes back he looks shaken and upset. His eyes scan the room nervously until he sees me then he smiles, his face lighting up. I glance up at Ronya and she shakes her head slightly but I turn my back on her and return his smile.

“How did it go?”

He frowns and shrugs. “It’s your turn.”

“Are you okay?” He nods, looking very serious and a little... blurred around the edges. “Come and sit down. Ronya will look after you.” With his head down he sits at the kitchen table. I get up as she bends her head to smile at him and asks him if he wants coffee. God there is a lot off coffee drunk in this house.

Ignoring her Silver looks up sharply at me as I pass through the door. “You will come back?”

I turn and smile, nodding. “Of course I’ll come back.”

He relaxes and smiles and only then does he turn his head to acknowledge Ronya.

The doctor is frowning. He glances up when I walk in but the frown doesn’t soften one iota. He motions me to sit down and I do so then wait for him to speak. Eventually he peers at me over his glasses.

“Unfortunately, River... I think you’re completely right.”

“Did he tell you anything?”

“Not directly, no. I found him more open; more present than he has ever been before, but he’s not talking; at least not about that. We talked about how he’s settling in, what he feels about being here. He spoke a lot about you.”

“Me?” I am genuinely surprised.

“He likes you River. He trusts you. I have no doubt that his current improvement is at least partially down to that feeling of trust and safety. He told me that he feels safe when you are there.”

“I... I don’t know what to say.”

“I have to admit that I have my concerns about encouraging that connection. I believe that you are too close to this; that because of your personal experience you are likely to get too involved and I’m not sure that would be a good thing for Silver.”

My heart falls. I knew that this was a possibility, and he’s right. I know it as well as he does. There is no way that I can avoid getting too close to Silver... hell, I already am. I say nothing because I have nothing to say.

“I... tested Silver in a number of subtle and not so subtle ways. When directly challenged... that is asked outright if a certain thing happened to him, he closes down like a clam. Worse than that: he panics. I pushed him as far as I could and he went into a full scale panic attack. I dared not push any further.

“On a more subtle level he has revealed quite a lot. He is definitely programmed to obey direction and if given a direct command in a sharp voice, especially if it is unexpected he automatically responds, ‘yes master’. It’s very disturbing and I have been thinking very carefully about what to do.

“Part of me thinks that it would be better to take him back to the hospital. He definitely needs close supervision as he begins to relax and open up. I am very concerned about a complete breakdown... or worse. However, the amount of progress he has made in the short time he has been here mitigates against that.

“And then of course there is your involvement in the case... in particular whether it should continue. I have to tell you that this has been a very difficult decision for me.Given your personal history I don’t think you can be objective, in fact I think that your objectivity has already begun to slip. But again I come back to the remarkable progress you have achieved with him.”

The doctor looks at me and I all but hold my breath. I don’t know why this is so important to me... okay, yes I do. Somewhere along the way I have started to think of this as a personal crusade; a strike against the bastards who killed Nikki. I don’t think I could bear it if he makes me leave now.

“I have asked myself ‘What does Silver need most right now?’ It isn’t drugs or therapy... it’s a friend. He needs to be supported but, more than anything else, he needs someone he can talk to, someone he can trust. And I think that person is you.”

I let out my breath in a sigh and pray that he doesn’t see how delighted I am and change his mind.

“This is a crucial time for Silver. He has made enormous progress but he’s on a knife edge and it could all go wrong very quickly. He desperately needs someone close by, who understands what he’s going through, someone he can talk to whenever he needs it. Of course I will make myself available 24 hours a day but I don’t think I could ever be enough for him.

“That is why I would like to make a very unusual request of you. I would like you to stay with him. I appreciate it’s asking a lot, and that I have no right to ask it but I have a feeling that it is not something you will reject out of hand. If you need to think about it, that’s fine but...”

“Wait a minute... what do you mean ‘stay with him’?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, River. My mind has been running away with me today. I would like you to move in here for the next couple of weeks; to stay here round the clock and make yourself available to Silver. I’m suspending the usual rules about keeping professional barriers. I want you to get close to him; to be his friend. I appreciate that you have your own life, your own commitments but I am only envisaging it being for a couple of weeks... after that we’ll re evaluate and see where we are going.”

“I... um... er... I... yes... yes, I would like to do that.”

“Good. That’s settled. Let’s say we take it slowly. We will try it for a week and see what happens. We’ll take it from there.”

“Can I take him out to get some new clothes?”

The doctor frowned thoughtfully. “I would prefer if he doesn’t go out yet. I’ll come back on Friday and we’ll see for next weekend. In the meantime I’ll ask Ronya to get him some things. I think it would be a very good exercise for him to think about what he would like and compile a list with you. If that goes well he can build up to actually picking things out for himself next weekend. I’m sure that I don’t have to tell you that there are likely to be setbacks as well as progress. Someone who has been as deeply traumatised as Silver has been and have withdrawn so badly, don’t recover overnight.”

“Of course not. I... I’ll keep a close eye on him and if I am worried about anything I’ll call you straight away.”

He nods. “Julia is moving out on the weekend, so after that it will just be you and Silver... with Ronya during the day, of course. It would be my intention to keep it that way, at least for the next two weeks. How do you feel about that?”

“Fine. I have no concerns about Silver. He’s not going to be any trouble.”

“What if he has a meltdown? Do you think you could handle that?”

“I don’t think he will... but if he does then, yes, I think I can handle it.”

The doctor frowns and nods. “We’ll see how it goes. I’ll make the arrangements as soon as possible. Can you move your things in today?”

“Can I take Silver with me?”

The doctor looks doubtful. “Do you have a car?”

“Yes.”

“How long will you be?”

“Half an hour; maybe and hour. I don’t intend to bring much... it’s only a couple of weeks.”

“Alright then. But don’t leave him on his own in the car, and if he shows any signs of being uncomfortable at your home or in the car on the way then bring him straight back.”

“Of course.”

“Well... I think we’re done here. I will want a daily report faxed to me before five every day... you can start tomorrow, and I’ve changed Silver’s medication. Just give him his anti convulsants tonight and in the morning and Ronya will pick up his new script tomorrow. I’ll leave it to you to decide if you think he needs a sleeping pill tonight. I notice he had a bad night last night. He might be more settled knowing you are here... but it’s up to you.”

“Thanks.”

“No... thank you, River. If you hadn’t picked up on what is going on with Silver, no one might have and goodness knows what would have happened to him. I have no doubt that we would have got to the bottom of it eventually; Silver is a strong boy and he would have fought his way back sooner or later but you have helped him a lot and I am sure that you will continue to do so. I have high hopes that together we will bring him home.”

“Umm... thanks. I hope so, sir.”

“Anything you want; anything you need; give me a call and I’ll make it happen.”

I am feeling somewhat stunned as I walk into the kitchen. Silver’s anxious eyes greet me and I can’t help but smile.

“Is he going to take me away? Did I do wrong?”

“Silver... what on earth makes you think that? You’re not going anywhere. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Is he taking you away?” I can’t help but smile at that. He’s perceptive; more than we give him credit for, I think.

“No. I’m not going anywhere either. In fact... how would you like to go for a short drive with me after lunch? We’d be going to my house to pick up some stuff so I can come and stay with you for a while.”

Ronya raises her eyebrows at me, over his head. I just smile at her. “I think the doctor wants to see you before he goes.” Shaking her head she leaves us alone.

“Do I have to come?”

“No. Of course you don’t have to come. You can stay here with Ronya. I won’t be very long. I just have to pick up some stuff.”

“You’re going to come back... here? You’re going to stay?”

“Yes. I am going to stay here with you all the time. I won’t be going home at night; I’ll be staying here, in the room right next to you. I’ll be here for you; just for you.”

“Why?”

“Because the doctor thinks that’s what you need... a friend you can talk to whenever you need it.”

“A friend?” He looks confused and lost again. “I... I don’t...” His eyes had wandered and now he brings them back to mine. He nods. “I’d like that.”

“Good. Let’s make lunch then we can go and get my stuff.”

“Can we go now?”

“Aren’t you hungry?”

“I... I feel... Maybe later I won’t be... brave.”

“I see. You’re afraid that if we don’t go now you’ll lose your nerve?”

He nods; his eyes wide. I can see that he’s frightened but he’s facing it and that can only be good.

“Hang on a minute. I’ll be right back.”

I check it out with the doctor and he gives me the go ahead. Silver doesn’t have a coat so I give him mine. It’s freezing, but he needs it more than I do. Besides, it doesn’t take long for the car heater to warm up.

Silver looks frightened but it’s a controlled fear. I’m anxious about him but not overly so. He keeps looking out of the window as if he expects to see something terrible. His eyes are everywhere.

“What are you looking for?”

“N... nothing.”

“It looks as if whatever it is, is scary.”

“It... I... nothing.”

“It’s okay, Silver. You don’t have to tell me... just know that you can.”

I can feel him looking at me although I have to keep my eyes on the road. He stares at me for a long time and, before he stops I am pulling into the kerb outside my house. Silver starts when the car stops and stares around him in something close to panic.

“It’s alright, Silver,” I reassure him. “This is where I live. It’s nothing much to look at, especially from the outside, but it’s home.”

I get out of the car and walk round to the passenger side. I open the door but he doesn’t get out. He cowers in the seat, his eyes huge and frightened. I understand that look. I know what’s going on behind his eyes. He’s been moved around too much: the hospital; the rehab centre; the house... and before that... before... there would have been a succession of houses and behind each front door a new torment: a new master to please; a new set of abusers and abuses.

I hold my hand out to him and keep my eyes locked with his. They are, I hope, calm and steady. “It’s safe here Silver. No one will hurt you here. There is only me. Do you trust me?”

The stare bores into my head and he remains perfectly still... and then, timidly, his head bowed and his hair covering half his face he puts his hand in mine and climbs from the car. I know how much that cost him. I know how privileged I am that he trusts me this much. Nikki never trusted me this much. If he had then maybe... but no; there’s no use thinking like that. That was then and this is now... and this isn’t Nikki.

Silver stands in the middle of my living room and looks around curiously. I have lots of knick knacks; souvenirs of my many travels. After Nikki died I took off. I had just finished my exams and was planning on going on to university, but I couldn’t. I suppose I was running away, but it was what I needed to do at the time. I spent two years travelling all over the world and every country I went to was displayed on the walls of my living room.

“Make yourself at home and look around. I’m just going to pack some stuff: I won’t be long.”

Silver is staring in captivated wonder at a carved wooden African mask on the wall, running his fingers over it. I don’t think he hears me. I don’t think he even notices I am gone.

I am half way through packing my bag when I hear the anguished cry from below.

“River... River where are you? River I’m alone: I’m scared.”

By now I’m at the bottom of the stairs and Silver throws himself into my arms. He is shaking.

“What is it? What’s wrong? What happened, Silver? What’s wrong?”

“I... I was... I was alone. I thought you’d gone. I was scared.”

I push him away slightly so I can look in his face. “I told you where I was going, Silver. I was just upstairs packing a bag. I told you that; do you remember?”

He shakes his head and I sigh. I really am going to have to be more careful. What a great start.

“Do you want to come upstairs with me while I finish packing?” Anxiously, he nods and follows me back up to my room.

My bedroom is much plainer than the living room but Silver is still looking around curiously, running his fingers over the furniture and the prints on the walls. They are mostly animal prints and he seems fascinated by them. When I have finished packing I watch him.

He is so sensuous. His fingers trace the outlines of eyes, lips, ears, teeth, and his eyes drink in every nuance of colour, every whisker, every paw. He is entranced and so am I.

“Do you like animals?”

He jumps a little but is smiling when he turns around. “I like these.”

“What about the real thing. Do you like cats? Dogs? Did you have a pet?”

The smile disappears and he shakes his head. “Does that mean you didn’t or that you don’t remember?”

“I... There was... sometimes there were dogs. I think I... I think once... maybe I had a dog.”

“Was that before?”

Until now he has been looking at me, although when he was thinking about dogs his eyes had grown misty and far away. Now he jerks his head to the side, lowering his eyes and shaking his head. I can see him closing down and I don’t want that to happen.

Dropping my bag on the bed I hurry around it to take Silver in my arms again. “It’s alright. You don’t have to answer that. You don’t have to think about it. You don’t have to answer or think about anything you don’t want to. You’re safe with me Silver; safe. I am going to be with you all the time. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. I won’t make you remember until you’re ready.”

I push away a little to look him in the eyes. He tries to avoid me but I catch his chin gently in my hand and tilt it upwards. “Do you understand that? Do you understand that you are safe; that you don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to... even in your mind?”

At first he is anxious, his eyes sliding away from mine but finally he sighs, a deep sigh, and looks me straight in the eyes, his own, thankfully clear and present. “I understand.”

I hug him then let him go. “Good. Now give me a hand with this and we’ll get back to the house. I don’t know about you but I'm starving.”

We load the car and are about to get in when we are hailed by one of my neighbours. My heart sinks and I pray silently for Silver to get into the car, away from her. He doesn’t. He just freezes, caught by her curious gaze.

“River... I haven’t seen you for days. I was beginning to worry. A young boy like you all on his own, it isn’t natural. I never see you bringing any friends over and I am almost disappointed there is no loud music to complain about. You work too hard.” She hands me a package. “I’ve been looking out for you. This came.”

“Thank you Mrs Partridge.” It is too much to hope that now she’s given the package she will just leave and, of course she doesn’t. She peers at Silver closely.

“Who’s your friend? He’s not a boyfriend is he?” She cackles, thinking she’s being funny. “My, he’s pretty. I’m Mrs Partridge, dear, I live next door. Pleased to meet you.”

She holds out her hand to Silver and he stares at it as if he’s afraid it’s poisoned. Taken aback Mrs Partridge turns to me and whispers in a stage whisper which could be heard by half the street.

“Is he alright? I mean... in the head. He’s not one of those loonies from that place where you work is he?”

Her eyes are wide and I know that she has scented gossip and won’t be satisfied until she’s sucked the situation dry of scandal. I sigh inwardly. How can I protect Silver from her? I can’t protect myself half the time... that’s why the whole neighbourhood knows I’m gay. It’s not as if I’ve told them myself.

“Actually he’s a friend. He um...he doesn’t speak English very well.”

Her eyes widen. “A foreigner, eh? Where’s he from then?” She peers at him curiously and he shrinks back.

“From the moon, Mrs Partridge,” I joke as I interject myself between them and urge Silver into the car. Thankfully, he complies and I start around towards the driver’s side.

“You want to be careful telling people things like that, you do. With those weird eyes you could have people believing you.” She cackles again.

“People will believe almost anything Mrs Partridge.” I smile at her and she grins. “I’m off for a couple of days. We’re going camping. Can you keep an eye on the house?”

“Camping? At this time of year? In this weather? You’ll catch your deaths; lying out in those damp fields. You make sure you wrap up warm. And snuggle together in them sleeping bags at night.” Another cackle bubbles out as she winks lasciviously. “Don't you worry; I’ll make sure the house is alright.”

Thankfully I get in the car and pull off from the curb, waving to Mrs Partridge as we drive away.

“Sorry about that. She means well but she’s a little... odd.”

Silver doesn’t answer. He seems lost in thought so I leave him to it. I figure I have pushed him far enough today.

On impulse I pull into a McDonalds as we are passing. Silver looks startled but I reassure him. “It’s alright. I haven’t had a McDonalds in ages and I thought I would treat you. We don’t have to get out of the car. I’ll just go through the drive through and we can eat it in the car on the way back... is that okay?”

It’s a bit late now if it isn’t okay because we are in a queue and we wouldn’t be able to turn around if we wanted to. Silver looks around somewhat anxiously but he takes a deep breath and slowly nods.

“Do you know what you’d like to eat?”

He shakes his head. “Please... I’m tired. Please can you...”

“Don’t worry. I’ll order. Do you eat meat? Do you like burgers? How about Coke?”

He shrugs and I decide that I have to just take a chance. I get a couple of Big Mac’s with all the trimmings, fries and Diet Cokes. When we come out of the drive through I park up in the car park and we eat. Silver is a little hesitant at first but as soon as he starts to nibble his eyes open wide and he tucks in with obvious enjoyment.

When we are done eating we sit in companionable silence, sipping our cokes and watching the world go by.

“It was a Labrador.”

“Sorry? What?” I had been far away, watching a family with four children, probably not all theirs, getting out of a car nearby. They were not having an easy time of it.

“My dog. It was a Labrador.”

“Your dog?”

“From before. It was yellow.” My heart literally stops and I want to whoop out loud. Struggling to control myself I force my voice to be neutral.

“Do you remember its name?”

He bites his lip and shakes his head.

“What about your name? Do you remember what your name used to be?” My voice is soft now. I know I am poking at a tender place. The name is the first thing they take away. Take away someone’s name and you have stripped them of who they are. Nikki had never been completely comfortable with his name after... although, as far as I am aware, he never told anyone what his ‘other’ name was.

Again Silver shakes his head and this time there is fear sparking in his eyes so I let the whole thing drop, still elated with the information about the dog. I must remember to write it in the notes.

“Are you ready to go?” Thankfully he smiles at me and nods. I take all the rubbish and deposit it in a nearby bin and then we head off again. It’s only about five minutes back to the house. The doctor has gone and Ronya is waiting.

“What on earth is going on?” she demands almost as soon as we are in the door. “The doctor told me what the new arrangements are.” She shakes her head. “Are you sure about this? Have you told the doctor about...?”

“I’ve told him everything, Ronya. Don’t worry, he knows about my lack of professional detachment and he’s more than happy with it. He told me quite frankly that he doesn’t want me to be Silver’s carer as much as he wants me to be his friend.”

She shakes her head. “This is dangerous, River...”

“Speak to the doctor, Ronya... he’s the one who suggested it and he’s the expert remember.”

“You’re right but...”

I hug her impulsively.“Don’t worry. It will be alright.”

“What about lunch?” That’s what I love about her... she changes the subject beautifully.

“Don’t worry, we’ve eaten.”

“You have?” She sounds shocked.

“We stopped off at MaccyD.”

She shakes her head and wanders off into the office, mumbling to herself.

We’ve set up one corner of Silver’s room as a tiny art studio. I suggest that he goes in there and does some painting while I unpack and move things around in the staff room; which is now my room. That way he will be near to me but in his own space.

At first he frowns at me, looking doubtful, but I take him in there and help him get set up. As soon as he puts the brush against the canvas he’s lost; absorbed in what he is doing. I watch him for a few minutes until I am sure he is settled and happy and then I leave and get to my unpacking.