The Art of Being Gay - 2. Symbols

Symbols

“You should probably get some groceries. It’s a lot cheaper,” his mother said closing the refrigerator door. “All you have in here is beer and a moldy piece of pizza. This is no way to live.”

Roy suppressed his desire to throw a muzzle on his mother. She’d been at his small, two bedroom house for only ten minutes and already had worn out his ears. “It’s been hectic at the store. I eat out most of the time.”

“You work at a grocery store Roy. You could pick up a few things once in a while. Eating out all the time isn’t good for you,” she said. Kendra Collins had her opinions about things and wasn’t afraid to express them. Roy watched as his perky 72 year old mother with short gray hair scowled at him with displeasure. “You need some fruit. If you don’t eat fruit you’ll get scurvy.”

Roy shook his head and didn’t respond. She was obsessed with fruit and the idea of scurvy, a disease that was unknown in modern times. He watched as she closed the refrigerator and stepped over to his sink. She bent down and grabbed the Comet.

“I’m just glad you’re away from downtown. It’s good you’re back home where it’s safe. I read there was another murder down there the other day. It’s unsafe stacking people up so close. They go crazy and rape and kill each other,” she said. She sprinkled some powder into the sink while moistening a sponge he had sitting on the counter nearby. “I’m glad you’re done with the flavor of the month thing you had going too.”

“What?” Roy asked watching her vigorously scrub his immaculate sink. He may not cook much but he kept the kitchen spotless. It was another of his, well, quirks. “What ‘flavor of the month thing’?

“You know, finding a different boyfriend every few weeks. That’s how you catch diseases you know. Picking up trash in bars is dangerous,” she said waving the sponge at him.

Roy felt his cheeks grow red. “I wasn’t doing that. I worked at a nightclub with bands. It was something different.”

His mother smiled her usual knowing smirk. “Of course dear. You weren’t trying on boyfriends like socks and underwear. I get it. Your old mom’s going senile, right?”

Roy chewed his lip. “What makes you think I was dating a bunch of different guys? I’m not like that.”

“Oh dear. You don’t know how transparent you are. Say, these curtains are wrong for this room. You need something sheerer, less bulky for a kitchen. A kitchen should say ‘relax, eat, chat, stay a while’. These say, ‘please check in your room key before eleven am’.”

“I’ll look at curtains. Mom, why do you think I was seeing a bunch of men?” Roy asked. Her banter exhausted him so much.

“You sounded just like you did when you were a little boy. One week you’d be so excited about this friend or that. Then, when you tired of them or they weren’t what you thought they should be, you’d get all down and quiet. Every so often when I talked to you I’d get a sense you had a new friend and then a couple of weeks later, you were a gloomy Gus. I figured these boys at your age affected you the same as playmates did when you were a kid.”

Roy thought about her characterization of his mood swings and she was pretty much on the money. He’d never thought his emotions were that obvious.

“I’ll say this; at least you call me every week. It’s not like Debbie’s two kids. They only call when they need something. You’ve always been a good boy about that,” his mom said rinsing out the sink.

“I’m done with dating,” Roy said quietly. “You won’t have to worry about that anymore.” It hurt to say it out loud but at least she wouldn’t be concerned about him.

“These towels are atrocious,” she said fingering the decorative ones hanging on the oven door handle. “We should find you new ones. Grape vines are so out right now and these are faded. We’ll go shopping after church on Sunday.”

Roy blinked his eyes. “What on God’s green earth are you talking about mom?”

“Sunday, after church. We’ll go to that kitchen store in Uptown and find some nice looking towels that will spruce up the place. It’ll be fun,” she said. Roy watched as she started digging through his junk drawer, apparently looking for something else to criticize.

“I’m not going to church with you, mom. It’s not Christmas Eve or anything,” Roy said absently fingering the placemat on the kitchen table.

“This church you’ll like. It’s a gay one. We’ll find you a nice young man to bring home,” she said with a wicked grin. Roy thought his mother’s strange wording was hilarious, like it was shopping for a new rug to go with the new towels. He began to imagine men lined up with price stickers and his mother looking at their teeth and hair for the ‘best bargain’.

“I’ve never heard of a gay church before. What do they serve at communion, Margaritas and condoms?” he chuckled.

“Don’t be crude dear,” she said with a perturbed look on her face. “It’s a regular church for gay people. It’s called ‘All God’s Children’. Much better I think than some nasty dive bar with boys who don’t know if they’re straight this week or gay. We’ll find you a nice broken one for you to fix up.”

“Excuse me?” Roy exclaimed. He could divine this as a true insult through her flood of words. Roy had lots of practice pulling out her little digs from the mountain of opinions she freely offered.

“I said the church will have nice men who aren’t wondering if they like other boys or if they like girls,” she said pulling out wire twist ties and bundling them together. “You’re no spring chicken Roy. It’s time to get serious about a nice man to keep around the house.”

Roy ignored her talk about a boyfriend like he was a tabby or Chihuahua. “I meant the crack about finding a broken guy for me to fix.”

“Oh that part. You’re just like your father, may God have mercy on his soul,” she said placing the little sheath of fasteners in the drawer. Roy watched as she started wrapping his rubber bands into a ball.

“Mother! Stop doing that and listen to me,” Roy said loudly. “Now.”

Kendra looked over at him with a wry smile on her lips. “I’m listening, your highness.”

“First of all, you make it sound like dad’s dead and not in prison. Second, how am I, as you put it, ‘just like him’?” Roy was feeling pretty annoyed with her little insinuations. He was nothing like his father, a low life criminal who he was embarrassed to acknowledge.

His mother sighed, dropped the rubber bands into the drawer, and came over to the table. “You are so like your father but in one way you are the spitting image of him.” She sat down and put her chin in her palms.

“That’s a rotten thing to say about me,” Roy snorted and pushed his chair back. “I’m not a criminal.”

“Honey, he wasn’t always a scumbag. When I met him, he was one of the sweetest men I’d ever met.”

Roy watched as her eyes glazed over. “He would stop the car and let squirrels pass. Harry left food out for the feral cats and if a little kid looked lost, he’d help find her home. He was a good man in bad situations. Unfortunately, he was a tender-hearted man that let things get to him and he made some terrible choices. They dragged him down into the mud. You’re just as kindhearted as he is, but you’re good at fixing things. He wasn’t.”

Roy thought about his mother’s soft, heartfelt words. “I don’t understand what you’re getting at. Do I find broken people and try to fix them?”

“Oh no dear. I’m not saying that at all.” His mother patted his hand a few times. She looked at him with such sorrow. “They find you. Now, I need to tinkle.”

Roy watched as she left the kitchen and headed for the bathroom. Her words about his father disturbed him. He was nothing like his dad. How could she say such a thing?

Roy sat back in his chair and fingered the chain around his neck. He rubbed the little gold cross that hung from it and pouted. Last time he’d seen his father the man was at least 350 pounds, his skin was broken out even though the man was in his late seventies, and he barely spoke a word. Roy realized he really didn’t know the man well. He’d been sent away when he was just a kid. The few memories he had were few and faint. They were also not very pleasant for the most part. There were a couple that made him smile though.

He looked down at the cross in his hand. It was strange. Roy never thought about the little pendant around his neck. He never took it off, even while taking a shower, so he never felt it. Hell, he never even saw the thing while doing his hair or brushing his teeth. It was part of him; a symbol of his religious past.

Roy’s grandmother, may she rest in peace, had given him the gold cross for his confirmation all those years ago. He’d felt so proud standing before the church and reciting his verse, making the vow to follow God and adhere to the tenets of his faith. He’d kept those vows for a while but during college going to church on Sunday morning wasn’t at the top of his list. The church had faded away from him.

Yet, he’d never taken off the chain and cross Grandma Nettie gave him. It was still part of him, but not. The little cross was a symbol of what he’d been. Or was it?

He still believed in God. Roy prayed, especially during times of sadness or pain.

Now his mother proposed he restart the old practice of going to church. It was for the wrong reasons though, Roy mused. You don’t go to church to pick up men. You go to church to praise God and well, to ask for forgiveness. He didn’t think God really cared about his nocturnal episodes with Tyler or the others. Long ago, the red haired man had decided God knew he was gay so it was pointless to worry about it.

“So, what time are you picking me up for church?” he heard Kendra ask coming back into the kitchen still wiping her hands on a towel.

“I’m still waiting to hear how I’m just like my convict father,” Roy said nodding to a chair. “After you explain that to me I’ll consider it.”

His mother sighed and shook her head. “I guess I should’ve told you this long ago. I just didn’t know how.”

Roy watched as a series of emotions crossed her face. She looked nervous, relieved, annoyed, and even a little pleased. But, the most enduring look on her face was fear. “Why now?” he asked.

Her face screwed up, nose wrinkled, eyes closed. “When I met your father he was surrounded by the nastiest, most worthless group of human beings ever assembled. I fell in love with him anyway.”

“This isn’t sounding any better mom,” Roy said chewing on his fingernail. “If you wanted to make me feel better, it’s not working.”

“I’ll start again,” she said. “I met your father after I hit his car with mine. I smashed the living daylights out of it. The only thing that concerned him was if I was alright. He hovered over me like a worried parent, terrified I was gonna die or something. He was the sweetest man who couldn’t bear to see others hurting. Unfortunately that was true of most people he met.”

Roy leaned closer. The vague memories he had were of a big, florid man who would cuff him aside the head and smelled of whiskey. Not that he was around much. He was always gone with his buddies causing trouble.

“He asked me out after finally accepting it when I said was fine. I told him yes. It was so special. He really treated me well. He took me out for a nice dinner and drove me out to the lake. We fished that night. He and I had such fun those days.”

The red head sat up sharply. “I remember fishing with him. He took me fishing didn’t he?”

“I’m surprised you remember that. You were pretty little when he did that.”

“What happened to him?” Roy asked. “Why did he get so crazy?”

Kendra sighed and fiddled with her car keys. “I didn’t like his friends. They were the sorriest group of losers. Harry tried to help them get jobs or out of their weird love problems but most of them were too screwed up to help. He never let up though. Well, until you were born and I chased those assholes off. I blame myself for getting a job. If I’d have stayed home and taken care of you, I’d have seen them creep back into his life.”

“They’re the reason he did that?” Roy asked. “Why those people died?”

“Yeah,” his mother sighed and wiped her eyes. “He knew it was wrong but that didn’t stop him. They told him it was a sure thing, easy money. What a bunch of idiots they were.”

“Am I that bad?” Roy said looking directly at his mother. “Am I some kind of loser magnet?”

“No!” Kendra barked. “That’s not what I meant. You’re the sweetest side of your father, the side that wants to help. You’re also pretty good at fixing things up. When you moved into the city, I was pretty concerned but I realized something just last week.”

“What’s that?” Roy asked.

“All those men you were hanging out with. You fixed them didn’t you? They left because they didn’t need you anymore. That never happened with your father. His losers were all still broken so they never went away.”

Roy hadn’t thought about his ‘boyfriends’ in that way before. Tyler was homeless and his band had fallen apart. Roy found him a new band and encouraged him. That’s why he lost Tyler. He helped solve the man’s problems. Adam was the same way. His girlfriend was a manipulate bitch who destroyed his ego and therefore his music. After three weeks with Roy, Adam was a new man with purpose and confidence.

“Oh God! I do that. How did you know that?” Roy moaned laying his head in his palms. “I’m gonna be alone forever aren’t I?”

His mother clucked her tongue. “There is no reason you can’t find someone who fixes you too. That’s why we’re going to church. We’ll find you a problem child who’s kind and wants to fix you right back.”

Before Roy could answer, his cell phone rang. “Mom, I have to get this.”

His mother waved a hand at him and shook her head. Roy went into the living room and answered.

“What’s up?”

“That weirdo you hired is having a nervous breakdown in the warehouse,” Roy heard Lonnie say. It was his warehouse supervisor who was pissed that Roy hired the guy over his cousin. “I told you he wouldn’t work out.”

“What happened?” Roy asked.

“I don’t know. He read a text message on his break. The guy looked upset so I asked him what it was all about. That’s when he started crying and shit.” Lonnie sounded smug which usually meant the story was far more involved than he was letting on.

“Is he still upset?” Roy asked twisting his diamond stud earring. It was a nervous tic he had when something was puzzling him.

“Shit man. He’s worthless,” Lonnie snorted in his ear.

“I’ll be there in a minute,” Roy said. “Don’t do anything. Wait, Lonnie?”

“What boss?” he asked.

“Put Madeline on the phone,” Roy said shortly.

“Aw, shit, man! You don’t believe me do you?”

“I believe you,” Roy said. “I need to speak with Madeline for a second.”

Roy heard the man walking and swearing softly as he made his way to the front. Roy started twisting his earring again and biting his lip.

“Hey Roy,” Madeline’s sultry voice said.

“Tell him that wacko’s all freaked out!”

Roy smiled at Lonnie’s little interjection.

“Chad is a little upset. He’s been crying but it’s not that bad. I told him to take a break,” Madeline said. “Somebody was making it worse.”

“I just told him to get his shit together. Man, I always get blamed for things.”

“Madeline, I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Roy said. “Keep Lonnie away from the guy.”

“I will,” Madeline said. “Bye.”

Roy stood in his living room and thought about what to do. He didn’t know the whole story. When new employees started Roy made a point of taking them out for coffee and getting to know them a little. He found Chad was newly out of the closet, had a teenaged son, and was on the outs with his family. Roy had to drag even those little bits of information out of the man. Chad was pretty quiet and private.

“Mom, I gotta go to the store,” he said walking back into the kitchen.

“I see,” she said smirking at him. “Gotta fix something, right?”

Roy nodded as he grabbed his keys and wallet. “Can you lock up when you leave?”

“Sure honey,” Kendra said. “Go do what you do best, solve the problem.”

“Great. Now you think my life should be committed to saving all the broken toys in the world,” Roy groused.

“Nope. You only need one broken toy to play with. Make sure he’s worth it,” she said grabbing her purse. “I’ll leave now.”

As Roy drove to his store, he tried to ignore his mother’s words. He wasn’t a pushover who tried to save all the troubled people in the world. It hurt to see others having problems. That’s all. He was nothing like his father.

Roy twisted his right earring again and something popped into his head.

‘Left is right and right is wrong.’

Roy snorted as an old memory came flooding back to him. He had just turned eighteen and decided as a protest and declaration to the world; he’d get his right ear pierced. Twenty years ago, people seemed to care about such things. Men with a left earring were straight. Men who got their right ear pierced were announcing to the world they liked dick.

His mother had a fit. She was afraid he’d get beat up or something. While he did get some strange looks from people, few commented. After only a few months, he got the other ear pierced as well. It looked better, more balanced, to have both of them pierced. Having the right one pierced had merely been a symbol of his coming out. Roy hadn’t thought of that in years. His earrings were part of him, like the cross, simply a piece of his being.

*******************

“Let’s hear it,” Roy said to Lonnie in his office.

“The guy just freaked out on me. I didn’t say much. I asked why he was upset and he started bawling like a little girl,” the man said. Lonnie’s long arms were crossed in front of him. His jaw was jutting out. Roy knew that meant he was lying.

“Tell me exactly what you said to him,” Roy said. “Don’t summarize it for me. What were your precise words?”

“I asked him, ‘What’s your problem’? He says his son got in a fight. His ex-wife is pissed at him. I asked him what was the fight about. He says it’s all his fault and starts blubbering. That’s it,” Lonnie said.

Roy could see the warehouse supervisor wouldn’t look at him. That was the man’s other ‘tell’. “I’ll go talk to him. Punch him out for the day and I’ll handle it,” Roy said getting out of his chair.

“Do you want Darnell to come by tomorrow? He’s really eager for a job and…”

“Why didn’t your brother hire him?” Roy asked cutting the man off.

Lonnie didn’t say anything at first. He looked at the ceiling tiles and shuffled his feet nervously. “Tyrell did hire him. My boy had a bad night and didn’t come to work the next day. It was bullshit. He wouldn’t even give him a second chance.”

“I see,” Roy smiled.

“Darnell’s got it together now, I swear,” Lonnie said holding his hands out. “He’s got two kids to take care of.”

“I’ll talk to Darnell and see what I think,” Roy said. “But no promises.”

“Man! You’re the best,” Lonnie clapped a hand on Roy’s shoulder. “I knew you’d see it my way. Is Chad gone then?”

“Nope. Chad’s in. We need a stocker,” Roy said. Lonnie’s face deflated.

“I guess you’re giving him a chance,” Lonnie groused.

“That I am,” Roy said. “Now get back to work.”

“Fine bossman,” Lonnie said.

Roy walked out the back door and saw Chad sitting on the dock with his head in his hands. He looked dejected and small, his legs swinging against the apron of the platform. He looked up when Roy approached.

“Am I fired?” he asked rubbing his face. It was red and streaked with dust.

“Not today. I want you to follow me,” Roy said. “We’re gonna have a little chat.”

Chad looked at him strangely. He jumped down from the loading dock and dusted off his hands. “A chat, about what?”

“Just come with me,” Roy said cryptically as he twirled his key chain on his finger. “You’ll find out soon enough.”