The Art of Being Gay - 11. Jockey Shorts Dance Contest

Jockey Shorts Dance Contest

“Hey, Peterson! You’re not bailing on us are you? Wes will be so disappointed,” Roy chuckled into the phone.

“No, I’m going. I, um, I have a problem. My car is in the shop and…”

“Do you want us to pick you up?” Roy said quickly. “It’s on the way. You live in Bloomington, right?”

“I do.” Roy could hear the man breathe a sigh of relief. “I’d take a cab, but they’re so expensive to take both ways downtown.”

“We got you covered. Besides, I’m not driving, Chad is. He’s DD for the evening,” Roy said. “It’s his turn to stay sober and take care of our drunk asses.”

“I won’t be getting drunk tonight,” Peterson said curtly.

“Well, I’m taking a load off,” Roy said. “I’m not getting drunk, but a little tipsy might be fun.”

Roy waited for Peterson to respond. There was only silence from the other man. “Was there something else you needed?”

“Yeah, I mean, I wanted to ask…” Peterson stuttered and fumbled for a minute.

“What is it? Is everything alright?” Roy asked. He thought as strange as Peterson was normally, this measure of confusion seemed out of character.

“Could you come alone?” Peterson asked. “I want to tell you something.”

“Chad’s driving tonight. It doesn’t make sense for us to both take our cars. Is there something else going on?”

Peterson waited, his mind whirling. He didn’t know what to say to that. Finally, he said, “Nothing’s going on. Come a little early though. You guys have never seen my house before. I’ll give you the grand tour before we go to the bar.”

“Okay,” Roy said happily. “We’ll see you in a little bit.”

Peterson carefully set the phone down. All his determination and mental preparation was for nothing. He'd resolved to tell Roy once and for all how he felt. The man made him feel so good, calm, energized. Roy was a person he could trust and what's more, there was a little surge that passed through him when they talked, just the two of them.

He knew, could tell, Roy had that same thrill. The first time they'd really met, only last month, when they shook hands a jolt of electricity had been exchanged. The look in Roy's eyes was of shock, which quickly melted into warmth. Since then, this sense of comfort tinged with the excitement of the unknown and unspoken filled their talks, no matter how brief.

It was only when the mechanic was around that their sense of belonging was shattered. Chad would smile at Roy and the connection snapped; the backlash was almost painful. Peterson knew he faded in Roy's mind when the big guy was around. At first, it made him despise Chad. Then, he thought he could run interference, limit Chad's time alone with Roy. That hadn't worked either.

Finally, he had to admit he really liked Chad. He was a good guy who took the time to get to know him. He didn't judge him or belittle him, well not really. Chad ended up being like an older brother to him using teasing humor to make him laugh. Once that particular wall was breached, there was nothing he could do. Chad had worked his way into a friendship.

Last night, Peterson figured he'd lay his cards on the table tonight. In his head, he envisioned telling Roy how he felt. Maybe Roy liked him the same way. As the scenario played out as he sat in his Lazy Boy chair and rocked, imaginary Roy had smiled at him, his lips curling just so. Roy chuckled in that especially sexy way of his and pulled Peterson close.

In his mind, Roy's hands touched his shoulders. His breath caressed Peterson's neck gently, provocatively. Tender words were carried on that gentle breeze, "I've been waiting to hear that." Peterson would turn his head capturing Roy's lips with his own. They would tentatively kiss, with lips just brushing each other, at first. The air between them would heat up, drawing them together.

Roy would then grab him by the neck, pressing harder, more urgently. Their tongues would dance, chasing each other and gasping sweet words demanding more. Roy and Peterson would become one at last. The initial flickering of want would become the all-consuming flame of compelling passion.

But instead, Chad would pick up Roy. They'd drive here, exchanging jokes, laughter, and closeness. Peterson would be an errand they had to perform on the way to their destination. He couldn't tell Roy now. How could he with Chad standing there soaking up Roy's attention. Peterson would be the sad also-ran whose presence withered under the bright light of Chad's smile and wagging eyebrows that made Roy giggle with silliness.

Peterson got out of his chair and went to his bedroom. He pulled out a box from his closet. He looked around inside, brushing aside old plaques and ribbons from school, a couple of old videotapes, and at the bottom found what he wanted. Peterson carefully lifted the small frame from its hiding place. He smiled at the picture and couldn't help but trace the lips grinning back at him.

He sighed and put the frame to one side. Peterson closed up the box and pushed it back into the space and closed the door. He took the picture and placed it on the dresser. Those faces looked so happy, carefree, and joyful. Had he really felt like that? The photo seemed to suggest he had. Perhaps that was possible again.

Hope seemed like something so alien though, especially since Roy was bringing Chad here. Seeing the two of them together in his home would smash the last fantasies he had nurtured so carefully. That may be for the best.

*******
"He wants to tell me he's gay. That's my guess," Roy said, shifting to look at Chad. The mechanic was barreling down the highway towards Bloomington and chewing his lip nervously.

"Why couldn't he say that to me too?" Chad asked. "Why did he want to talk to only you?"

"You know how shy and nervous he is. I've always had this connection with him, like he's my little brother or something. He probably wants to tell you after he talks to me," Roy said with a grin. "With all your bickering back and forth when you met, I wouldn't be surprised if Peterson has a little crush on a certain warehouse worker."

Chad shook his head but said nothing. What could he say? If he admitted he already knew about Peterson, Roy would be hurt. Besides, was Roy so dense he didn't see Peterson's eyes follow him and how he'd get the shakes when the boss man was near him?

"I truly doubt Peterson's creeping on me."

"He's kinda cute, in a nerdy way. You could do much worse," Roy laughed.

"I don't think Peterson and I will be hooking up any time soon. I have my own dramas to deal with." Chad changed lanes to get to the Crosstown exit. "Do you think Peterson's ever done it with anyone?"

Roy's smile disappeared. "I hadn't thought of that. I'm guessing with living with his mother his whole life and being in the closet, he's probably hasn’t had a lot of experience."

Chad considered his words carefully. "Wes could be a good for him. That boy could teach him a thing or two, I'd say."

Roy nodded but he also looked troubled. "I had a long talk with Tyrell last night. Peterson has always been sort of a recluse, but, he was always a friendly, affable guy until last winter when his mother died. Tyrell thought he was handling it pretty well until after a couple of weeks following the funeral. Peterson became withdrawn and distant. It seems his outings with us are his first steps back into being around people."

"Huh?" Chad said. "I didn't know that. His mother's death must have really broken him up."

"That why it's good we include him as much as possible." Roy turned and looked out over the street in front of them. "I hope he admits he's gay. Maybe someone like Wes can get him to see what's out there. He really is a good person who deserves to be happy."

"You're such a nice guy," Chad said, turning onto Peterson's street. "I hope he realizes what a good friend you are."

Roy grabbed Chad's hand and squeezed. He stopped, looked up at Chad's shocked face, and quickly let it go.

"Sorry about that," Roy said, clearing his throat. "I don't know what-"

"Forget about it," Chad said, parking in front of the modest ranch style home. "We get to be a little grabby. We're gay so it's okay."

Roy smiled and breathed in relief. "Okay, let's go see what big news Peterson has for us."

Every once in a while, Chad's brain tinkered with thoughts that didn't seem to jibe with one another. He wasn't the kind of person who came to individual conclusions about what bothered him. He'd ruminate and stew and then suddenly, without warning, something clicked in his head and it all became clear. In that split second of time, he knew what Peterson wanted to talk about, how he couldn't be there for several reasons. He also knew it was in Roy's best interest he didn’t go inside, not right now.

"You go ahead," Chad said quietly. "I'll wait here for a few minutes."

"Why? Come on, you chicken-shit," Roy teased him. "Don't you wanna know what he's gonna tell us?"

Chad paused, but his mind was made up. "I need to call Justin quick. I promised and then forgot to do it. You go in and I'll only be a minute," he lied.

Roy looked at him strangely, but then headed out of the car. He stopped for a second and turned. By that time, Chad had his phone out pretending to scroll through it. Scowling, Roy walked up to Peterson's front door.

Chad calmly considered his revelation in small parts. Peterson had already told Chad he was gay, so he didn't need to see Roy alone for that. It was obvious, at least to the mechanic, there had to be something else he was confessing.

Peterson was always a bit fidgety and jumpy around Roy, but not in a scared way, in an excited way. He'd done his damnedest to keep Roy and Chad apart. Hell, the guy accused him of trying to use Roy by flirting with him. Peterson was jealous and that came from his attraction to the red haired man.

Peterson wanted to tell Roy how he felt about him. That was the only thing that made sense.

Chad's stomach hurt at the thought of Peterson saying it and Roy's response. The guy was very fond of the blond haired man and worried about him. Perhaps there was something more there. Maybe Peterson and Roy was a matched pair, no matter how Chad hated the thought. After all, he knew Roy was looking for love and with Peterson it was ready-made.

Chad rubbed his face, and his hand came away wet. There were tears on his cheeks. His chest hurt as he imagined Roy's lips meeting...

Chad pinched his leg. He couldn't think that way. Roy deserved happiness and if Peterson could give it to him, all the better. In any case, after Christmas, Peterson would go back to the East Lake Minnemart. Roy wouldn't be his boss anymore. Chad knew that mattered to him. He'd rather step aside and see the man happy than watch him become lonely and depressed.

It was best for everyone, well, except for him.

Chad wiped his eyes again. He looked at his phone and saw only five minutes had passed. If he was going to do this, the right thing for Roy, he had to wait. It was wrenching torture as the minutes dragged by so slowly. Were they kissing? Did Roy welcome Peterson into his embrace? His blood raced like a train, almost as loudly, deafening him. His heart beat thudded loudly. It made his hand feel a buzz.

No, that was the vibrating of the phone in his hand. Chad answered it, worried, "Hello?"

"Why are you still sitting in the car? Come in, Peterson has something to tell you," Roy said without a greeting. "Get in here."

"Did he tell you?"

"Yeah," Roy laughed. "He's a big old queer just like us. There's a beer waiting for you. Come on Chad. We're waiting for you."

Chad climbed out of the vehicle and raced up the walk. Peterson's door was ajar. He peeked his head inside and saw the two of them chatting while looking at books from a line of shelves that lined one side of the living room. Chad smiled as Roy looked up and waved a book at him.

The room was very spacious with several banks of windows though it was a little dark in there. Heavy dark purple draperies hung in each window casing blocking all natural light. Chad noticed there were heavy, puckered valances above the drapes, also purple but with a pink lining. The effect was quite feminine in spite of the weight of the fabric. Otherwise, the room had two chairs and a sofa, dark leather with a couple of cherry wood topped occasional tables with lamps on them providing the only light in the room The carpet was light tan and looked new.

The room felt empty though, except for the filled bookcases along the wall.

"How is Justin?" Roy asked.

"What?" Chad answered, looking from Roy's cheerful face to Peterson's blank one.

"Didn't you call your son?" Roy asked. "That is the dumb excuse you used."

"He's fine. We, um, didn't have much time to talk," Chad said.

"Now I know why you didn't come in with me. Peterson told me all about it. I have to admit, I'd pretty much figured out what it was. I'm glad he finally confessed it all to me. I couldn't be more thrilled." Roy did look excited. He moved closer to Peterson and handed him the book back.

"So, you and Peterson...?" Chad croaked.

"I can't believe he hadn't told me before this. He’s gay and you’ve been holding out on me,” Roy chuckled. “You’re quite the actor, I have to admit.”

“So, Peterson just told you he’s gay,” Chad said slowly.

“Well, that’s not all,” Roy said. “I’m very excited for him.”

“You are?” Chad said, his heart sinking.

“I told him I have a date tonight. Wes called and asked if I would be his date tonight,” Peterson said.

Chad looked at him with surprise. “Oh, that’s cool. When did that happen?”

Peterson smiled, in a way that seemed more grim than pleased. “The phone rang as I told Roy I’m gay. It was Wes. I decided it was time for me to move forward with my life. Not everything I want can be had. I realized that talking to Wes.”

Chad breathed deeply. He didn’t know when he’d ever been so light-headed. Peterson’s look was that of resignation. He was exiting the field. The blond man even nodded to him, as if conceding defeat. What had he lost? What did Chad win? Roy seemed immersed in another book, scanning it quickly as the other two men communicated silently.

“Congratulations Peterson,” Chad said finally. “Wes seems like a really nice guy. It’s about time you started seeing someone.”

Peterson didn’t respond. Roy looked up and showed Chad the title of the book he was browsing through.

“Chad, have you ever read ‘Tales of the City’?” he asked.

Chad shook his head. “What’s that?”

“It’s one of my favorite books,” Peterson said. “I’ve read it several times. It’s about San Francisco in the 1970’s. There are some gay characters, some straight ones, and bi ones. Bi as in liking men and women, not Elton John bi.” Peterson actually snorted he was so amused at his little pun.

“Yeah,” Chad said. “Oh, mighty guru Roy, is this something I should be reading?”

“It’s a fun read,” Roy said. “I haven’t read them all yet. I only got through the first four books.”

“I love them,” Peterson said, taking the book from Roy’s hand. “What’s your favorite part?”

“I like Brian, the straight guy, at the bathhouse. That part was surprising,” Roy said. “What about you?”

Peterson grinned widely. “The saddest part of the book is when Michael, they also call him ‘Mouse’, enters the underwear contest. The doctor he started seeing is there and leaves when Mouse wins. I felt bad for him. Here’s a guy who gets on stage, exposes himself, and wins the contest. Because of it, he loses the guy. The doctor was embarrassed by the young man who got on stage to win a hundred dollar prize. That really bothered me a lot. It reminds me that winning doesn’t always mean getting what you want.”

“Really?” Roy said, looking at him curiously. “I forgot all about that scene.”

“Jon walks out on Mouse and breaks his heart. The sweet boy thought he wasn’t good enough for a guy who was a doctor. It hit me hard for some reason,” Peterson said. “There’s a lot of that in the world. Not just with gay guys, but with lots of people. One of the things so many movies and books push is how it’s what’s inside that matters. Love conquers all. Most of the time, it doesn’t.”

Chad felt a little shiver go through him. Peterson was right. That was a romantic notion, but it rarely happened in the world. Usually, it wasn’t that easy. He looked at Roy who was staring at the floor. He knew his boss wrestled with his own demons and past history of failures. It was painful to see him struggle. It was kind of pissing him off.

“Come on Peterson. You’re being kind of a downer. Aren’t you excited? You’ve got a date tonight. I mean, have you ever even dated a guy or fallen in love? I haven’t yet,” Chad said, his temper getting the best of him.

Peterson looked at him, then over at Roy. Their boss lifted his head, and got a smile on his face.

“Wes called and asked you out. Maybe he’s not your knight in shining armor, but the kid likes you, a lot,” Roy added.

Peterson’s face was grave, his lips twitched. Then, he tilted back his head and started to laugh. It was a deep throated, from the gut laugh, and it sounded like he’d just heard the best joke ever.

“You guys think I’m some kind of virgin, don’t you?” he gasped after a few moments of collecting himself. “Do you think I’ve lived my entire life without ever going on a fucking date?”

Roy and Chad looked at each other and grimaced. Peterson started laughing again, only this time there was bitterness.

“Wait a second,” he said, pushing his glasses up his nose. “I have something to show you.”

“That was an odd reaction,” Roy said shaking his head.

“I thought so too,” Chad agreed. “Maybe Peterson’s got a long sordid past. So, why wait so long to finally admit it?”

Roy shrugged again and then Peterson emerged from the hallway. “Look at this!” he said shoving a picture frame into Chad’s hands. “Does this look like a guy who’s never experienced love before?”

Chad looked and saw a much younger Peterson, his blond hair much thicker and his glasses a different style. He was beaming with delight and beside him was a dark haired man, quite handsome, with deeply tanned skin and dark eyes. He also looked positively radiant. Their faces were close, so close it was evident they were together. In the background were trees bathed in golden light reflecting as if glowing in as much happiness as the two men. It was a stunning photo.

“Who’s this?” Roy asked as he sidled next to Chad to look. “Is this your boyfriend?”

Peterson stepped back and crossed his arms. “Not really. We never lived together or anything, but we were lovers for seven years. His name is Matthew and we’re in love,” he paused and shook his head. “I was in love with him. It’s over now. In the end, he looked at me and I wasn’t good enough.”

“How can you say that?” Roy looked abashed. “You look so happy together.”

“What happened?” Chad asked handing Roy the frame. “Did he dump you?”

Peterson pursed his lips. “Not really. It’s a long story. I don’t wanna get into it.”

“We’ve got some time,” Roy said stepping closer to the blond man. “Have you ever told anyone the story?”

Peterson snorted. “Who would I tell? It doesn’t matter. In the end, who we are with is affected by what others think. He couldn’t be with me, not like that. I was someone he could fuck around with and talk to, but we were never really together. I know that now.”

“We’re not going anywhere until you tell us what happened. Obviously this guy hurt you big time. Spill it,” Roy ordered, rather fiercely.

Peterson sighed, again. He uncrossed his hands and nodded his head. “Let’s sit in the kitchen.”

The two men followed him in as the blond man grabbed three beers from the fridge. He handed them each one and sat down. “Come on then. I’ll spill my pathetic story. I might as well.”

“Don’t be like that,” Chad said, taking a sip of his cold one. “We’re asking as friends. Sometimes unloading a burden onto others makes it a little lighter.”

Peterson smiled wanly and put his hands onto the table. “I guess I should start with my mother,” he said. “Otherwise, it doesn’t make much sense.”

“Did she know you were gay?” Roy asked.

“Yep,” Peterson answered immediately. “And she hated it. She didn’t like talking about it and I didn’t feel like hurting her so it was never an issue.”

“I’m sorry,” Roy said, putting his hand on one of Peterson’s. Peterson looked at it and smiled. He pulled away and grabbed his beer.

“Don’t be. I didn’t want to make waves, so it was an unspoken issue. I was a single man and she was by herself in the world, so we lived together. I didn’t want to live alone. She wanted me here. Some people might think it was a bad relationship, but we liked each other. It worked for us, except I never tried to step out and meet people, well, until Matthew that is.”

“You never wanted to live by yourself and find companionship?” Roy asked, looking truly confused.

“Honestly, I didn’t,” Peterson answered. “I know most people don’t understand, but it mostly worked for me. And her. Until Matthew.”

“How did you two meet?” Chad asked.

Peterson chuckled. “Through his wife.”

Chad and Roy looked at each other. “What?”

“I knew his wife and kids from church. She also taught Sunday school so we got to know each other. Matt never went to church. It was only after they moved to Wisconsin that I finally met him. He came to pick up some books Cheryl had loaned to me. I don’t even know how it happened. One minute we were talking at this very kitchen table and then next we were kissing and holding each other. It was crazy.” Peterson took off his glasses and started wiping them with a cloth napkin.

“But, you said they’d moved?” Chad asked.

“It’s not that far away. We would meet at a motel somewhere in between. At first, we’d get together once a month. That petered out pretty quickly. I think we couldn’t stand to leave each other after a night or two. It was too painful. That’s when we would get together when his wife went to Michigan to see her family. He stayed home and I would go to him.”

“You loved him,” Roy said. Peterson didn’t even pause of look away.

“I did. He loved me too. I know, how very ‘Brokeback Mountain’ of us. When I think about what we did, it was sad and a little desperate, us grabbing moments together. While we were together, even in our own homes far apart, it felt like we were one. Maybe I’m not explaining it right. He had his wife and kids. I had my mother. We were together though. At least, that’s how I felt.” Peterson put his glasses back on his face. He smiled sadly.

“When mother died earlier this year, everything changed. For a week, I was a mess. I called Matthew and begged for him to come be with me. I needed him. The house was so empty without her and all I could think about was having him here. He wouldn’t come. He said that wasn’t what we were. I was his fling, his lover, not his boyfriend, partner, whatever. I told him to fuck off and we haven’t spoken since.”

The three men sat in silence, waiting for something to pass. Nothing did. Finally, someone had to speak. “I’m sorry Peterson,” Chad said, looking at the blond man with tenderness. “That had to hurt.”

“It did, but I’m over it now. I realized Matthew liked me in a little closet under the stairs. To be fair, I liked having him in a box as well, hidden from view and never causing waves. Mother knew about him and tried to stop me from seeing him. I would make excuses, poor ones sometimes, and she would drop it. I think in the end she was right. We loved each other so much we hurt each other so deeply. You see, love doesn’t really conquer all.” Peterson breathed deeply. “Can we go to the bar now? I have a date with a very cute young man who theoretically I’m old enough to have fathered. I don’t even care anymore. I need to move on.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Roy asked. “That’s rough.”

“I’ve had over six months to mourn losing both my mother and my lover. It’s time for me to get on with it.” Peterson stood up and walked over to the hallway. “Maybe I will get lucky tonight.”

Roy excused himself to use the bathroom and the other two men stood at the door waiting for him. Chad playfully punched Peterson in the shoulder and grinned at him.

“I’m proud of you,” he said.

The blond man looked at him in surprise, “Why? Because of what I told Roy or because of what I didn’t tell him?”

Chad’s eyes widened. “I meant telling us that painful story. It must have been hard to do.”

“That wasn’t tough,” Peterson said. “It was actually a relief to tell someone.”

Chad rubbed his face and considered his next words carefully. “What didn’t you tell Roy?”

“You know,” Peterson said with only the ghost of smile passing across his face. “You better not wait too long though. You’ll fuck it all up if you’re friends for too long. Trust me, if you let a relationship get stagnant, it’s too hard to fix. I know. I lived it. Besides, I won’t wait forever.”

Chad didn’t respond. He knew what he needed to do next. If he had the courage, it would have to be tonight. He needed to talk to Roy, alone. Maybe trivia night with a bunch of rugby guys around wasn’t the best venue to do so, but Peterson was right.

Roy was worth it.